#trick question your life is never supposed to start youre supposed to accept the banality and then die having done nothing you ever dreamed

[1eos]

i grabbed my last letter of reccomendation from my grandmas house and when she asked what its for and i told her she launched into this whole thing as to why i cant move and i can't go to school bc i have to work and i just asked her if she thinks im an idiot. like the hostility..........................................................it be your own family that wants you to die at a dead end job in a declining city..................

[itsmylife--dontyouforget]

I need answers...

I saw your name again in old going through old Messenger chat, I decided to click and reread them even though I already know what's in. My questioning, a clumsy questioning, as if nothing was wrong with me that night. I explained you that I had a "little" blackout, knowing very well that I don't remember anything from 9pm to the time I woke up... This awakening, which still haunts me in my subconscious, I remember hearing an alarm ringing, opening my eyes and not knowing where I am... starting to panic inside, where am I? What happened? I lift the sheets, I'm naked, on the floor a wrapper... and then you ask me “how are you” and you tell me we had a great evening... An evening that I only remember the beginning: our discussions about travel, culture, advice for my studies, I drink your words as I always have, you have always been good advice since we have known each other, you were the big brother I never had...

An evening that was just a friends dinner in a restaurant, nothing exceptional, an evening during which I only drank one beer except for the shot of tequila before entering the restaurant, a bottle that you had brought back as a souvenir of the good old days.

Here we are back to that famous morning, when I locked myself in the bathroom of this hotel, I remember taking a shower, getting dressed, gathering my things quickly and ordering an Uber. My brain just went on autopilot, I don't remember the passed time between the hotel and my home, I just remember coming home and taking a shower and getting ready quickly for work and pretending nothing happened.

I called L. and asked him to come with me to the pharmacy to buy a morning-after pill just in case. I didn't really explain the situation to him, I have just told him to not ask any questions.

Then, that same day, my college girlfriend called me, my double, the one without whom the group work and classes would have been nothing but long sessions of torture. I summarize the situation by telling her that I have a blackout and that I woke up in a hotel room without knowing how I ended up here. She jokingly replied that I'd better stop drinking and partying. She laughs. The following year in class, she brings back the subject in a funny way, saying that anyway, I'm such a party girl and I drink so much that I wake up in a hotel room with strangers. These words, at this very moment, made me understand that the fault was mine, and what was supposed to happen happened. It was my friend, I must have done something wrong....

I was 21 years old, I went out to dinner with a friend on a weeknight, an older friend who was engaged. 

It was by reading many testimonies that I managed to put a word about what had happened and that I discovered the phenomenon of sideration and traumatic amnesia. Our brain, that overpowering tool that knows how to put itself on automatic pilot. My brain just decided to suppress that moment and the following day, a banal day where I pretended nothing happened...

Coming back to that discussion, I had almost forgotten that you came back to me a year later to tell me that “you were sorry and you still didn't understand my reaction, that I am a great girl and that you missed me as a friend.” At that time, I didn't dig any deeper. 

Two months after that night I wanted to reclaim my life and somehow my body. I broke a few hearts in the process. The chicks team was born, they made me understand that my detached behaviour with regard to what happened was not normal and that it might be good to talk to a professional about it. Which of course I didn't do.

Then comes the period of self-loathing, followed by long introspection and memories coming back to the surface. 

Like the year I turned 18, when I was dating G. he took me into the bedroom during a party at our house, when I was drunk and couldn't even undress myself, it wasn't love either, nor was it envy, but rape. 

The following summer, with this boy I met at my workplace, a super nice client with whom I spent the beginning of the summer as a friend. One day after he drove me home, as usual, he asked me if he could charge his phone for 5min for the gps, I accepted. He tried to kiss me : I pushed him away, he tried again and started touching me, I told him no several times and I managed to force him out. He left and sent me a message telling me “what a great person I was and that he loved our time together, that he apologised for getting carried away but I had to understand that it was because I was "hot" ”. I blocked him, he came to my workplace several times. The start of the academic year is coming up and I find myself crossing into him at the library and university restaurant constantly looking at me and smiling at me... 

It has taken me a long time to regain confidence and re-dating, a little over a year. 

Then I met someone in the corridors of college, an angel...at first sight. It turns out he is violent as soon as he drinks. We were having a party with some of my college friends as part of a project, he came over and freaked out, spilled a drink on my girlfriend, hit a guy who was dancing with me and my friends and knocked the performer off the stage. The guards had to throw him out; he was waiting for me, furious, calling me non-stop. I started to get paranoid at night and always watch my back.

I had time to look back and think about those situations that were obviously "not normal" and not acceptable.

Situations that I wasn't aware of how there were impacting and affecting my relationships. What I thought I had forgotten came to the surface, first with the words of R., who, I quote, "forced himself to sleep with me". Then comes the break-up, I decide to embrace my single life and go out again, always followed by that shadow. This summer, on the beach, M. who stent above me to kiss me, I started to panic...then N. this feeling of déjà vu and anxiety at the contact of his body on mine. These flashes, real or imaginary, that my brain sends to trick me. 

All this to get back to the beginning of the story, I want answers. To find this missing piece of the puzzle, even if it is impossible. Part of me stayed in that hotel room.

I'm often told that it's complicated to know what I really think and that I'm constantly chasing guys. Making me understand that I am an easy girl and that I have to be careful because one day bad things will happen. Saying me that I didn’t seem to realize it and that the world isn't all rosy. I already know that, I have chosen to live the moment and not feel sorry for myself. 

I have the life I dream of! 

That’s why I just keep my thoughts for myself, I don't talk about this event. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to change the way others look at me. Sometimes my mind gets foggy, and lately we all have time to think, maybe a little too much.