#trial 4 might’ve been my favourite in the game if it weren’t for the monkubs

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

I’m still not feeling great from yesterday but I thought I’d try to write down my trial 4 feelings to get them out. Otherwise I might just be lying in bed anxious for the rest of today. Under the cut cause it might get long and rambly

Cw: I do talk negatively about Kokichi in this post so if that upsets you please tread carefully

First I really appreciate the three of you who replied to my post from yesterday. I’m feeling very intensely about this and I’m glad you all get it. This case was heartbreaking to me and it’s hard to talk about but I’m gonna try. I’ve learnt from experience that when I feel this way about a hyperfixation I will just bottle it up and feel terrible until I break down a few days later, so it might be better to get it out now

This case was really well set up. I thought miu’s body discovery was a bit underwhelming but that also might be because I was freaking the hell out about Gonta and have been for the last while. I’ve never felt so strongly about a character like this and it was eating me up inside every time I played. I know it was very obvious but even back then I was scared. I relaxed a bit through the investigation and into the trial because I thought, there’s no way right? Gonta wouldn’t hurt anyone this way. I should’ve seen the red flags at his development at the start of the chapter but I just thought they were setting it up for later.

When we got to the second half of the trial I was so convinced that Kokichi had done it. I mean obviously right? He’s been acting so fucking weird this whole case I couldn’t wrap my head around it. When shuichi lied to try and implicate him and Kokichi was like “you know what? Fuck you. I’ll ruin the mystery for you. The murderer was Gonta gokuhara” I flinched hard and my heart started pounding. There was no way right?? There was no way. He’s lying, he’s always lying, but I couldn’t calm down.

If you were on the stream last night we did have to take several sporadic breaks because I kept getting light headed. It’s stupid, I don’t know what power this game has over me but I couldn’t calm down. It was also frustrating because I wanted to keep going so badly but I was at serious risk of passing out. My hearing kept going in and out and I was just trying to focus on implicating Kokichi somehow. It kept getting harder and harder.

During the key smashing part of split opinion I couldn’t really control my hands? I was hitting the keys so fast not because I was good at games but because my hands were trembling and hitting the keys faster than I normally could.

When shuichi had to start considering if it could be Gonta I still thought there was hope, maybe it was someone else. But I knew it couldn’t be Kokichi, or kaito, but I just couldn’t accept it. Gonta started breaking down and both his in game voice actor and lily’s amazing acting made it harder because he was so distressed. He didn’t know what was happening and he couldn’t even remember hurting miu.

Kokichi’s crocodile tears(?) didn’t help. I keep saying it but I hate him when I play the game and when I’m not playing I find him fun and fascinating. But would could be so horrible in the flashback light to convince them to do this? I don’t know and I strongly doubt it’s from the mercy in kokichi’s heart. It was manipulation the whole time through. It hurts so bad that Gonta was manipulated so much by him despite the insect meet and greet incident. Yes, Gonta decided on his own that it was hell outside and it was true despair regardless, but it was KOKICHI that made him look at the light and it was KOKICHI that even gave him the opportunity to kill. He didn’t deserve being used that way. I can be a bit naive and unaware when someone is not acting with good intentions towards me so this really hurt. After the stream ended we did finish the post trial. I don’t know what to believe with Kokichi anymore, and I think that’s the point. He’s an incredible antagonist, but I hate him so much right now. I hate that I drew him and Gonta hanging out so much in the early game. I strongly dislike shipping them too, but that’s just my own personal feelings. This was just one step too far for me and I don’t think anything could redeem him in my eyes to the point that I could forgive him for this

The murder itself was hard to watch, the way Gonta kept apologizing. It hurts so bad. The way Kokichi just stood there with that grin on his face. Ugh.

The way everyone was fighting in the trial was cool to see. How angry everyone was with each other, with Kokichi, THE WAY KAITO DEFENDED GONTA. It was so hard to see but the way everyone kept fighting for Gonta eased the pain a bit. Even the way shuichi gently walked through the comic at the end to try and explain it to Gonta. That was kind writing. Though not all of it was and I’m getting to that.

Gonta crying but believing shuichi and accepting it, and apologizing so much, it felt so terrible for him. He didn’t deserve any of this and it was so much monokuma’s fault, but also Kokichi. To me it feels like Kokichi killed Gonta, in a way. Which makes it so terrible that Gonta was both murdered in my eyes AND was executed.

And his fucking execution is what broke me. If you were there you’d know I didn’t even fucking watch it. I turned around because I knew it would be too much. But most of it sounded okay. I’m just so fuxking angry about the monokubs. What the actual fuck. Why would you send off a character who they probably knew was extremely well liked with THAT happening in the background. Maybe I’m placing all my sadness into this one bit to convince myself id feel okay if only that one part was changed, but I do really feel like that. Gonta deserved a somber, respectful end even through a stupid over the top execution. It makes me so angry and so deeply upset that they didn’t respect the people playing this game enough for this shit. But I really should have known. This game series is objectively terrible, gross, and harmful. But this hurt me the most. It makes me so upset that gonta’s execution is as bad as MIKAN’S.

At least when gundham died his execution was kind to his character and his fans. He died in a way that when I think about it I feel sad but in a cathartic way. This just makes me feel disgusted and insulted. It was extremely insulting.

I’m sorry if I said any extreme things on the stream that hurt anyones feelings vis a vis character and ship opinions. I wasn’t thinking straight and through the second half of the trial I was half way to passing out at all times. I was just trying so hard to make it to the end and see it through past my deep anxiety. I didn’t mean anything mean that I said, I really don’t feel that strongly about anything.

Thank you again to the people who were nice to me. This felt good to write out. I haven’t felt this horrible about something fictional since the ending of TMA, but at least that was cathartic and well written. I don’t think I’ll be able to get over this for a while. For both the good and the bad reasons.