#trenchcoatimpala talks/rambles

[trenchcoatimpala]

I just rewatched "In my time of dying" and I have some things I need to say about that speech John gives Dean before he goes off to die. Let's touch on the points, shall we?

John apologizes to Dean for making him grow up too fast, putting too much on his shoulders, having Dean be the one to comfort him when it should've been the other way around, and he tells him he's proud of him.

The fact that Dean has to ask if it's really John talking is the first clue at how messed up this is. But what I want to talk about is that you'd think this little speech is kinda nice actually. You’d think wow, look at John acknowledging everything he made Dean do/go through. You’d think hey at least he said he’s proud of Dean for real this time! You’d think that, right? And yeah it is nice. John does mean what he’s saying.

But it all gets ruined by what John does after he gives his little "I'm sorry I screwed up so much" speech. Because he then tells Dean that he may have to KILL Sam. That whole entire speech just gets fucking NEGATED by that in my opinion, because what did he just tell Dean he was sorry for? Oh, that's right, putting too much on Dean's shoulders, making him look out for Sam when that was supposed to be his (a father's) job.

He tells Dean to "watch out for Sammy" and of course Dean says "yeah, Dad, you know I will" but it's a double entandre. Watch out for Sam as in: he’s your kid brother, keep him safe, but also as in: he’s dangerous. It’s giving Dean more responsibility that he SHOULDN’T HAVE. After literally having just told Dean that he's sorry for dumping all that crap on him, he goes and dumps more crap on him. It was a deathbed confession of his sins, maybe even hoping that telling Dean he was sorry might absolve him of terrible torture in Hell. If he wasn't about to die, he wouldn't have told Dean any of that. Not to mention the fact that he's also leaving Dean in charge of finishing the hunt for yellow eyes.

And of course, after John dies, Dean's left with so much suvivors guilt, and he's confused and scared about what his Dad meant when he said he may have to kill Sam. This in turn leads to Dean sacrificing himself for Sam because "I'm not even supposed to be here" so in his mind it's evening the scales.

Dean carries so much with him and it all comes back to John fucking Winchester and his A+ parenting.