#treating people like garbage isn’t the moral high ground some people think it is

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.��

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

[claptraprights]

your name is claptraprights but you barely post claptrap. absolute nonsense, I came here for the cwapylap and you lied to me. give more robot son or else.

Or else 🔫 This is fair; I neglected my poor robo boy ::((

Which is shameful not for me as a Claptrap stan but also for me as a robot stan.  But the thing is – that I dare postulate: Claptrap is one of the best and most complex characters in Borderlands. But people don’t really see it because he’s…apparently cheerful (which he isn’t because he’s just programmed to sound that way by Hyperion)  

Honestly, I feel like they really wrote themselves into a corner with him though because they are so desperate to show us how aware they are of Claptrap being a cartoon-y character that they have to reinforce it at every corner and it undercuts any real storyline or development: It requires for all his endeavours to fail and for all other characters to reject him based on his personality alone – which again, is a stretch, bc he isn’t that annoying (you tell me that the same people who perceive Mr. Togue as a perfectly normal guy think Claptrap is difficult to be around??) and often the reactions to him are out of character. 

Which is sad bc…the truth of the matter is that humans are incredibly unfair to him (and robots in general in the borderlands-universe): Claptrap was created to open doors! Fucking! Doors! That’s…a super-simple task for a dumb little robot to do. And everyone is expecting him to do all kinds of things that he isn’t programmed for. It’s like asking a toaster to be a rocket-scientist. And he still does his best to help them at every corner no matter how badly they treat him because they are his only friends and the only people outside Hyperion he knew (except for Captain Flynt who ended up torturing). For example, first time we arrive in Liar’s Berg, Hammerlock electrocutes Claptrap to avoid talking to him – and a few seconds later Claptrap makes a kinda rude comment about Hammerlock - who has the nerve to act like he’s the one who got wronged: “I am right here, ‘dude’” – My man, you don’t really have the moral high-ground here. Claptrap is one of the few characters who don’t kill you for so much as looking at him the wrong way and people should really learn to appreciate it. (Dare I say? Anti-robotic sentiment)

Plus, here’s the reminder that Claptrap thought of Jack as his parental figure and not only was he manipulated, re-programmed, abused (sounds familiar?) – Jack actually ended up committing robo-cide against his entire product-line to the point that when we meet Claptrap at the Southern Shelf, he has dead Claptraps propped up in his living space playing cards to feel like he has company of his own kind - because even the humans who are not affiliated with Jack treat him like garbage. One of the central motivations of Claptrap is to fight back against his loneliness and being the only one of his kind and he’s surrounded by computer-geniuses and engineers that he did so much for – can it be that hard to clone or re-discover the Claptrap code and make a new one??  

It’s honestly why I feel like Claptastic Voyage is one of the best DLCs because it really did some deep digging on Claptrap’s personality:

Claptrap's Consciousness: Ohhh! I almost remembered the thing I need to tell you about 5H4D0W-TP!

Athena (if present): Dammit! What KIND of thing? Wilhelm (if present): Like what? C'mon, rust bucket! Nisha (if present): Would a few bullets jog that janky memory? Claptrap (if present): Is this what it's like talking to ME? Timothy (if present): Oh that sounds super interesting, why don't you get back to me when... oh you know what? In fact, don't. Don't ever get back to me! Aurelia (if present): Well then, perhaps consider saying nothing at all.

Claptrap's Consciousness: No, I've definitely forgotten. Oh! ...No, it's gone again.

Athena (if present): CLAPTRAP! Wilhelm (if present): SHUT UP! Nisha (if present): SHUT THE HELL UP! Claptrap (if present): WILL YOU SHUT UP! Timothy (if present): SHUT UP! Aurelia (if present): WILL YOU PLEASE DESIST?!

Claptrap's Consciousness: WHY are you ALWAYS so mean to me? EVERYONE is ALWAYS SO MEAN! All I've ever done is try to help! I know I mess up, and I'm 10 to the power of 100 of SORRY about it -- but if you can't see that, and can't take my good intentions for what they are, then maybe you don't deserve anything good to ever happen to you! In fact, I'M OUTTA HERE! Ah. I can't leave -- I live here. But I CAN leave you!

Athena (if present): Claptrap... I'm sorry. Wilhelm (if present): That got weird. Nisha (if present): Whatevs. Claptrap (if present): Was that his fault or mine? This place is so confusing. Timothy (if present): Am I supposed to break character now? I'm so confused. Aurelia (if present): I'm mortified. Sorry.

to make up for my debt to my poor kid, here are some Claptrap headcanons:

-          In a way, he’s stuck in the same vicious circle that many children are in school who have a reputation as ‘bad students’ or ‘troublemakers’: He is so convinced that he cannot do right and will never be appreciated that he doesn’t really try anymore. Because if he tries his best and fails, it always hurts worse when other people mock or insult him than if he didn’t. It’s a kind of learnt helplessness.

-          Nevertheless, he tries to learn new things to disappoint his friends less…but he’s just not good at it and he feels like if they know he’s trying and failing, it would be worse for him than if they thought that he just doesn’t care so…

-          Joke’s on Tannis: Claptrap is still keeping his Kevins. Fl4k knew which planet they’re from and told Claptrap and now Clappy can fast-travel there and spend time with them. He’s still grieving for the original Kevin though.

-          He’s still friends with Ava. At this point she knows that most of the stuff she thought she knew about him before she came to Sanctuary is actually kinda made up and embellished. But he’s a good friend and doesn’t for a moment blame her for Maya’s death. Plus, unlike the others she doesn’t really have any experience with Claptraps at all and just likes being around someone who is hurting but still knows how to see things in a positive way and is really excited about spending time with her without making rules or anything. And he’s a great source for Vault Hunter stories!

-          This isn’t really a headcanon bc it’s at least implied - but Shadowtrap is still alive somewhere in him  (in Voyage, he seems to be the reason Claptrap survived Jack destroying the Claptraps) and every time someone mistreats Claptrap, he’s getting a little bit stronger.

-          Angel actually looked out for him in her own way. She likes him and she relates to him, in a way. In the first Borderlands, she describes him as a ‘cute little robot’ and The Pre-Sequel, when Jack is about to scrap his entire plan to reprogram Claptrap (which likely would have meant destroying Claptrap who already thought of Jack as his parent), she’s canonically the one who conceives a plan how he could still work as a Vault Hunters and I chose to interpret this as: She could relate to his situation and didn’t want him to die so she made this whole Vault Hunter.exe thing work somehow. She might even be the reason Shadowtrap could help Claptrap survive the H-Source despite being Hyperion-code himself.

-           Athena actually had plans to take him with her once she left after the events of Claptastic Voyage but obviously, it was too late then and she didn’t see him when she was brought to Sanctuary so she still doesn’t know he’s alive.

[mikauzoran]

Lila Fake-Dating/Emotional Blackmail Adrienette: Betting Against the House: Chapter Four

Read it on AO3: Betting Against the House: Chapter Four: The Worst Date Ever

“…So…” Lila finally spoke up on their short stroll to Assa Café just down the street from the school. “Nino’s going to fail Physics?” she carefully sounded him out, trying to determine if Nino’s excuse to pull Adrien aside held water.

Adrien made a thoughtful noise. “Maybe not fail outright, but he’s certainly not going to do well.” He cast her a sidelong glance and then pretended to come clean. “The Physics project isn’t actually what Nino and I talked about.”

Her grip on his arm tightened until it was almost painful. “Oh? Then what did you two talk about? Surely you’re not spreading slander about me.”

Adrien scoffed. “Lila, do you think I’d risk Marinette’s safety like that?”

It wasn’t a lie. He was simply leaving it up to her to decide what the truth was.

She seemed to come to the conclusion that he wouldn’t play around when it came to protecting Marinette because her hold on his arm started to loosen.

“Besides,” he sighed, “what would be the point of telling anyone? It’s not like they’d believe me. You’ve got the wool pulled too far down over their eyes.”

Lila hummed softly as she contemplated the merits of his statements.

“Nino’s planning a surprise for Alya,” Adrien volunteered to throw her off the scent. “He’s been consulting me because I’m a hopeless romantic and good at giving gifts and orchestrating surprises.”

“Is that so?” Lila chuckled, a sly grin beginning to form at the corners of her lips. “Prove it. I expect a romantic gift from you promptly.”

Adrien shrugged, pretending that it was of no consequence.

On the inside, he heaved an enormous sigh of relief because it appeared that he had outfoxed her and that she believed he hadn’t said anything to Nino about the blackmail.

“Anything for you, Ma Fleur,” he replied obediently.

 They arrived at the café—small and intimate with counter service and only a few seats—a couple minutes later.

Lila did not look impressed as she glanced over the menu. “I guess I could get one of their detox juices. What do you usually get here?”

“Typically, I order the salmon or tofu bentou,” he informed, getting out his wallet. “Their ingredients are really fresh, and the chef is fantastic, so you can’t actually go wrong.”

“The lunchboxes do look good,” she granted reservedly, not wanting to appear too excited. “But rice has so many carbs.”

“So just eat the meat and the vegetables,” Adrien suggested with a shrug. “It’s not like you have to eat everything.”

She pursed her lips, debating. “Which is better: the miso pork or the teriyaki chicken?”

“I don’t know, actually,” he sheepishly admitted. “I’ve never had them. I’m a pescatarian.”

She stood there for almost twenty full seconds gawking at him. “No, you’re not.”

“I’m pretty sure I am,” he snorted lightly, not appreciating her dictating tone. “And I think I would be the best person to ask about my eating habits.”

“I’ve seen you eat chicken before,” she accused, acting like this was some kind of personal betrayal. “I saw you when your father invited me over to dine with you.”

“I’ll eat it if it’s put in front of me,” he confessed, “but, when I have any say about what I eat, I’m pescatarian, so I’ve never ordered the miso pork or the teriyaki chicken here.”

She blew out an indignant little huff, crossing her arms over her chest. “You don’t have to be such a jerk about it.”

Adrien physically bit his tongue to hold in a snarky response.

“…I guess I’ll get the miso pork,” she eventually decided. “Evian to drink and a matcha tiramisu. It really did sound good when I heard you talking to Elise about it the other day.”

“Perfect. Sounds good.” He gave a nod of approval as he moved down the counter to the register to pay.

“I’m going to take a seat,” she apprised, turning in a way so that her hair whipped around behind her sharply.

Seating was extremely limited—a bench seat along the wall opposite the counter and a handful of tables with individual chairs on the other side—and the restaurant was very small, so Lila didn’t have far to go. She could hear Adrien exchanging pleasantries with the cashier, but she couldn’t understand what they were saying because they were holding their conversation in Japanese.

This irritated her for a reason she couldn’t quite pinpoint, and it only got more intense as the cashier laughed and smiled at something Adrien had said.

Lila took a deep breath and forced herself to stay calm as she watched Adrien finish at the counter and bring over their trays.

She hated his charm, his irresistibility, his boyish handsomeness, and the way he was so nice to everyone who wasn’t her.

 Conversation was sparse as they consumed their food.

They’d never really talked in the years that they’d known one another. Adrien was civil and polite but didn’t make an effort to initiate chitchat, and Lila hadn’t bothered to get to know him either.

He was just a pretty face and a bleeding heart whom she was more than willing to use and step on in order to climb her way up. Besides, she was more than half certain that he hated her, despite his “moral high ground”, “patience of a saint” act. She had never seen the point in truly getting to know him. It wasn’t like he really cared about getting to know her, despite his pretended amicability.

“You’re acting awfully sullen,” she observed when five minutes passed without either saying anything to the other.

He shrugged.

He did that a lot, and it annoyed her. It was like he couldn’t be bothered to give her a proper answer. She didn’t like him dismissing her like that.

“You should smile,” she advised. “The point of this date is for you to make a show of how in love you are with me and how happy we are together. I’m dating you for the media exposure, so stop sulking and look like you’re excited to be with me or something.”

“Sorry,” he chuckled darkly. “It’s a little difficult to act cheerful when you’re upset.”

“What do you have to be upset about?” she challenged.

He eyed her with a dangerously bland look, cocking an eyebrow as if daring her to say it again. “You took something important from me, Lila,” he explained flatly. “My father is a little stingy with my schedule, so I had to plan tonight’s game night with my friends almost a month in advance, but, now, here I am wasting an evening with you. I was looking forward to game night, but you ruined that for me, so, yeah. I think most people would say I had something to be upset about.”

She gave a little snort and tossed her head. “Well, be upset later. Right now, you’re on the clock, so make a good show of being in love with me.”

He sighed, closing his eyes and taking a couple deep breaths to defuse his temper. When he opened them, he smiled brightly, looking for all the world like he was enjoying their outing. “Is this better?”

“Perfect.” She decreed, satisfied…until he reached across the table and stole a bite of her matcha tiramisu. “Hey! Thief! I didn’t say you could have any!” she squawked in protest.

He smirked at her around his spoon. “Sorry, Ma Fleur. I didn’t think you’d mind. I mean…don’t you love me enough to share?”

Her eyes narrowed dangerously.

“Come on,” he teasingly whispered. “If I have to put on an act, so do you. No one’s going to believe I love someone who bosses me around and treats me like garbage. You have to at least pretend to be worthy of love; otherwise, everyone’s going to see through this sham.”

Her lip curled back into a scowl as she hissed, “I don’t know, Adrien. You seem to love your father, even though he treats you like dirt. Maybe people will just assume you’re a masochist.”

Adrien recoiled, the fake smile dropping clear off his face. He gazed at Lila with contempt but didn’t voice a response.

Her sneer phased into a discontented frown. “You’re going to have to do better at this fake dating thing in the future when we’re in public; otherwise, Marinette might find that there are some unfortunate rumors circulating about her.”

Adrien rolled his eyes. “There are literally two or three other people in this restaurant right now, and they’re all around back. No one’s watching our shameful little display, and I did just fine all day at school. Back off, Lila.”

It was a gamble confronting her like that, but, for once, it payed off.

Lila shrugged and sat back in her seat, returning to her dessert disinterestedly. “You did do well at school today. …Make sure you keep up the good work, and maybe we won’t have a problem.”

Adrien nodded, scooping up some rice with his chopsticks and bringing it up to his mouth to keep himself busy so that he wouldn’t press her any further and accidentally push her over the edge.

Things were quiet again for a stretch, each of them lost in their own reverie.

Several minutes later, Lila spoke in a soft, defensive voice, asking out of seemingly nowhere, “What do you like about Marinette so much, anyway?”

Adrien looked up and blinked at her in surprise, unsure if she had actually said anything and whether he had heard her right.

She arched an eyebrow at him challengingly. “Well? What do you like about her?”

Normally, this would be the point where Adrien went off on a bullet-pointed lecture about how amazing and wonderful Marinette was, but, always wary of Lila, he reined in his kneejerk response and formulated a more reserved reply.

“Her selflessness, mostly,” he confessed, cautiously elaborating. “She’s kind, even when she doesn’t have to be, and she’s always willing to take on more work on top of her already overwhelming load in order to help a friend. She’s just a good person like that. She doesn’t do it to get anything out of it…she’s just good,” he finished with a shrug.

Lila snorted, casting her eyes back down at her tiramisu. “Figures you’d go for that goody-goody martyr act. You’re so gullible.”

“…May I ask what you hate about her so much?” Adrien inquired, attempting to foster a genuine conversation.

If he could figure out what made Lila tick, maybe he could come up with a way to gain the upper hand and declaw her. He knew from studying history that some people really were just evil, but he couldn’t help but think that there was some reason why Lila acted the way she did. If he could figure her out, maybe she wouldn’t turn out to be such a lost cause after all.

Lila tossed her head, heat rising on the back of her neck and staining the tips of her ears crimson. “What I hate most is that everyone loves her so much,” she spat with venom. “She doesn’t even have to try, and everybody loves her. She’s so obnoxious with her ‘holier than thou’ attitude. She acts like she’s better than me, but she’s not, and she doesn’t deserve everybody fawning over her all the time.”

Adrien nodded, taking a long sip of his houjicha.

She was jealous, no different than Chloé. The only difference was how Lila went about expressing her jealousy.

Chloé was just a brat and a bully. (He meant that in the nicest, most loving way possible because Chloé was like a sister to him, but that didn’t stop him from seeing her less attractive sides.)

Lila was insidious. She wasn’t outwardly vicious or vindictive like Chloé. Instead, she spun intricate plans like a spider lying in wait to capture unsuspecting victims in her web of silver-tongued lies.

“Have you ever considered that it’s okay for Marinette to get attention?” he tentatively suggested. “It’s not a zero-sum game. Just because people are paying attention to her, that doesn’t take anything away from you, does it?”

“Any time people are fussing over her, they’re not lavishing me with attention; therefore, I do lose out if people pay attention to her,” Lila argued hotly. “You can forget about any delusions you have of making us get along and be friends. She has things that I want, and I’m prepared and willing to take them from her. There are some things that aren’t shareable.”

Adrien’s brow slid into a soft frown. “Like what?”

“Like you,” she replied airily, not letting him see the weight she placed on or the importance of this acquisition. “For starters, anyway.”

“I see,” he replied neutrally, taking another sip of his tea.

What he wanted to say was, “You’ll never have me”.

“Well…have you ever considered that maybe people would like you, even if you were just yourself around them?” he tried from a different angle.

She rolled her eyes. “You’re gullible and naïve. I’m my true self around you, and you despise me, don’t you?”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “Despise is a little strong,” he hedged.

She laughed mockingly at that. “Please. I’m the bane of your existence.”

“That would be Papillon,” he corrected. “I don’t necessarily hate you, Lila. You make me really angry sometimes, and I want to wring your neck when you hurt my friends, but, most of the time, I don’t hate you,” he explained, trying to convince her.

She cocked an eyebrow at him in suspicion, not taking his word for it.

“Most of the time, you’re an annoyance, and I resent you for being a crappy person,” he summarized. “But I don’t hate you.”

She nodded slowly, analyzing his words. “…I see…. So…how do your personal experiences with me lead you to believe that others would still fawn over me if I dropped the act and stopped telling them what they wanted to hear?”

Adrien pursed his lips as he came up with nothing.

“Mmhm.” She kept nodding. “Yeah. That’s what I thought. Well. Thanks for the suggestion, but I think I like things the way they are at present, so I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing. Seriously, thanks, though,” she replied, voice dripping with irony.

“Doesn’t it ever get to you, though?” he pressed, showing his hand a little. “Not being able to be authentically yourself and accepted as you are by anyone?”

She tipped her head to the side, taking a slow sip of her Evian water as she pondered the earnestness of his tone. “Not really. Why? Is this a personal problem you’re having?”

He pulled the shutters down over his emotions, carefully composing his face into a neutral expression.

Like hell he was going to get into the complexities of the lies he had to tell the people he loved in order to protect them and his secret identity with Lila. She didn’t get to know how it tore him apart sometimes not being able to share aspects of his life as Adrien with Ladybug and how he longed to confide in Nino or Marinette about life as Chat Noir.

“If it were, I wouldn’t be talking about it with you,” he informed levelly keeping the ire out of his voice.

A quirky smile slowly turned up the corners of her lips as she chuckled, “Then why did you think I’d open up and be all vulnerable with you when you asked me?”

He blinked, surprised by the question.

He found himself hard pressed to answer her.

“Because you’re such a nice, sweet guy that everyone spills their guts to you?” she snickered. “Don’t try to psychoanalyze me, Adrien. I’m not a problem for you to fix, and I don’t need you to save me. I’m perfectly happy the way that I am.”

“Are you actually?” He really had to wonder. “How can you be? You don’t have any real friends…I mean…unless you count my father, and I don’t think he actually counts.”

She shrugged, unconcerned. “I don’t need friends. Friends are for mushy, weak people like you. You band together to protect yourselves because you’re stronger that way, but I don’t need other people like that. I’m tough enough to make it on my own.”

Adrien thought she was way off the mark, but it was obvious that he wouldn’t be convincing her about the benefits of friends at this time, let alone anytime soon.

“…Have you ever had friends?” he asked while she was in a divulging mood.

Even though she’d said not to analyze her, he couldn’t help but be curious. He had to believe that if he could just figure her out, he could help her stop hurting others and herself.

She paused to think for a moment, little trenches burrowing their way across her forehead as she did so. “…Maybe when I was little,” she finally answered. “I remember there were some kids around my age where we were living at the time, and we played together. I don’t remember their names. My family never stayed in one place long enough for me to really get to know anyone, so there was never any point in making friends in the way that you mean. These past three years is the longest I’ve ever been in one country, let alone one city. It’s kind of weird being stuck with the same people for so long.”

“That must have been hard, not feeling like there was any point in getting attached to anyone because you knew it wouldn’t be permanent,” he responded thoughtfully.

She rolled her eyes, balled up her napkin, and tossed it at him. “Oh, stop. I don’t need or want your pity. Stop trying to find explanations for why I am the way I am,” she commanded wearily. “I’m not some tragic romance novel antihero with deep reasons for acting the way I do. There’s no trauma for you to uncover and heal in order to make me a ‘good’ person. You don’t get to play hero this time.”

He held up his hands in surrender, backing down.

He didn’t think she was telling the truth exactly, but she was very clear about her wishes for him to drop it.

“Okay. Sorry,” he bowed out demurely, scooping the napkin she had thrown up off the floor and depositing it onto his tray with his own rubbish.

She snorted softly, crossing her arms. “Real people aren’t so black and white,” she grumbled. “We’re all grey on the inside.”

“Yeah. Maybe,” he agreed halfheartedly, still thinking that maybe there was something he could do to get through to her and make her want to change for the better.

“Give up,” she groaned, seeing the gears in his head moving. “You’re such a goody-goody. Just like Marinette. I’d say you two deserved each other if I didn’t want you for myself.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” he chuckled, a faint smile coming back to his lips.

“This date is over,” she announced abruptly, sounding tired as she rose to her feet. “I didn’t come here for you to turn me into your next do-gooder project. I came here so that people would see me acting all lovey-dovey with Adrien Agreste. Since that’s not happening, you might as well take me home and go hang out with your loser friends like you wanted.”

Adrien hurriedly drained the rest of his tea and got together the rubbish to take over to the waste disposal bin.

“Sorry I’m such poor company,” he apologized, not bothering to put any feeling behind the words as he picked up her school bag to carry for her and held out his arm for her to take hold of.

“You’d better be,” she huffed, taking his arm and letting him escort her out of the restaurant to where his driver was waiting for them, parked on the street outside. “This is the worst date I’ve ever been on.”

“Have you been on many dates?” he wondered aloud without thinking.

“Plenty,” she retorted defensively. “Usually, the boys I date shower me with compliments and can’t take their eyes off of me the whole evening.”

“I must be defective,” he snickered, opening the car door for her. “Sorry. I promise I’ll do better at school tomorrow in front of our audience.”

“You’d better,” she grumbled, climbing in and crossing her arms sulkily.

 Adrien made a show of walking Lila to her door and giving her a parting kiss on the cheek in case any paparazzi were watching. “See you tomorrow, Ma Fleur.”

“I’ll miss you, My Prince,” she giggled, delighting in his compliance.

He slumped in the seat as soon as he got back into the car, feeling like all of the energy had been sucked out of him. He looked up to find Victor, his bodyguard, sneaking glances at him in the rearview mirror, trying to assess whether he was okay.

“Rough day,” he sighed, summoning up a tired smile. “I’m actually supposed to be over at Marinette’s playing video games right now, though, so…you don’t think you could drive me over there, do you?”

Victor gave a grunt and turned the car in the direction of Tom and Sabine’s.

[6blackfilin9]

Just decided to show that I'm still alive over here

So guess it's LongShitpost Time

A very long post about The Batman's (2004) Penguin

And well, I've been thinking about making it for about a year, so.. here we are, watching me behaving like an easily surprised kid babbling about Oswald and how much I admire him and why

Actually nothin' important or highly moral here. If you still wanna read then just forget it's talk about a character from a kids show, I take this sh🐧t seriously and barely speak English

I like to take a lot of screenshots but can't use here all of them uuUUuUuuUUUUUGH

It's all about the 1st episode of 2nd season of The Batman (mostly, I also mention other my two fav episodes with Oswald)

I like it so much cuz this all just starts with "cat-mouse play" kind of cooperation which leads to "well guess you two will be chillin' in jail in pure mammalian harmony" and ends up with "oh no no no, this is your thievish girl, so you take her back"

"— You two pointy-ears make such a cute couple: his and hers."

"— Hm, made for each other."

I just crack up at this plot line so much

But well, being more serious, this episode unveils some of Oswald's personality traits quite vividly.

Going back to the first episode when he appeared, from the first sight it looked like the most of the time he acts like a mindlessly arrogant jerk who has no clue about what he’s doing, as most of kid-show villains, and tends to lose his temper fast , but if you look closer you’ll see that huge amount of his conduct lines are just a part of the games he plays

Like, he came to the Bruce's party just to take the damn list of guests, that’s the goal

But because of his behavior in public's eyes he wasn't the "strange quiet guy who's been looking around for all the time, than took the list of rich guests from butler and than left while there are robberies of rich people occurring in the city". He was "arrogant snobbish freak who thinks he's some sort of royalty (despite his family lost its place at the top of Gotham's society) so he acts around them as if they were peasants", so, for everyone it looks like the only thing he came for was attention, plus, influenced by negative emotions, people didn't notice such a potty movements as putting some paper in his jacket. I mean none even managed to notice that he stole the motherf🐧cking tray

(Well, for sure Oswald's quite snobbish about his family and it's "blue blood", can’t deny that, though he doesn’t behave that defiantly all the time and the only time when he completely loses it, cracks and explodes about this was when he became enraged hearing Alfred's words whom he took hostage in Bruce's house. That was a very bad day for him)

And come on, Oswald had patience and intelligence to figure out how to teach different predatory birds like ravens and owls, who actually tend to be wayward and even agressive time to time, to steal damn stuff from houses and how to make those f🐧cking badass high-tech umbrellas himself

So, cool man

If that episode showed his enormous arrogance, devotion to his family, resourcefulness, intelligence and hidden potential, this one shows how cunning, selfish, cold, ruthless and at some point insightful he can be

Back to the episode, it literally opens with the start of the strategy competition between Oswald and Selina

First they meet they start with a direct verbal flight for the Cat statue, which Oswald wins. So Selina, willing to get what she wants, desides to get down on a more manipulative subtle level playing love interest

So, of course Oswald gets stunned at first, I guess not every girl treats him this way every day, but he effectively uses this state to figure out his following plan and actions, and immediately starts behaving as a school boy in love.

So the man literally changed his tactics in a couple of seconds and figured out the new plan with the new “puppet” involved. Selina didn’t even notice anything thinking that she managed to hook him up easily so she now can manipulate him as she wants.

(guess Bruce was right, these two are worth each other: both prideful as heck)

So later their game enters the new fervent phase: they both play love interest in front of each other, and Oswald nailes his role just perfectly, making Selina even more convinced of his naivety so she reduces her alertness completely.

But guess he enjoyed this at some point. Like, Selina is a charming beautiful woman able to maintain a pleasant conversation with couple of dry sarcastic notes, so, I think this shade of sincerity helped him to play his part

And well, for quite huge amount of time Oswald makes that devil face with crooked grin which makes him look like a f🐧cking Satan, or just beings grumpy hardened journalist who had seen some shit which makes him look like he's about to have a severe breakdown, but here as he is around Selina in the first part of the episode he's completely calm like a damn fat cat, serious, focused and straight-faced, that's just gorgeous

He cracks up a bit ahead of time just once, when she manages to get the Bird statue

But as it goes to the showdown he doesn’t show even a hint of genuine sympathy or regret, he’s just like “well get reked Selina” and takes English leave

Well, I know it’s a kids show, Bruce saves the day and stuff, but Oz did literally put the bomb in the f🐧cking handcuffs so in case one of the two tries to put them off before the police arrive they actually f🐧cking die. I mean, that's kinda rough. But at the other hand it’s quite nobly but shortsighted of him to leave his enemies alive having a chance to interfere him later

And well, maybe Oswald isn’t good at etiquette, but he have never beaten Selina or any other lady if it came to close fight, while Batman did. Ozzie is a gentleman, shame on ya Bruce

And just to be said, the motherf🐧ucker didn’t even blink when the f🐧king half of his god damn umbrella was cut off right in front of his f🐧cking face. And oh my god, how f🐧cking firm Oswald's grip is that the hella heavy umbrella all made of f🐧cking metal didn't even swayed from the impact in the most stout place. Badass.

And just for a second, Oswald managed to dig to the bottom of that legend about the Bird and Cat statues and started putting the plan into action only after he had found all the necessary information about it (which he had to translate himself from ancient Egyptian), so that the first time he used it, it didn't turn out that he missed something and summoned some ancient shit so now the whole world is in danger (as it happens with villains in movies sometimes).

(The saddest part is that the only single thing that prevented the shit from happening was immense amount of luck. mean Bruce has all kinds of gadgets for literally any situation and knows literally everything just in case. Like, it was very useful of Bruce to study ancient Egyptian just in case someone decides to use egyptian artifacts for evil stuff. And they were so f🐧king lucky the the birds weren’t hungry and didn’t try to peck their faces off while they were climbing the god damn lighthouse which is already hella dangerous even without the maniac birds trying to knock you down)

Well, what do we have so far

Even if Oswald does have some temper issues, he's capable of making some keen psychological tricks, making strategies and keep his head above water, the only thing that actually hampers him is his own pride (like in the episode with Team Penguin. He does have some leadership qualities but he turns from leader into boss quite quickly thinking of himself only)

And, importantly, he is being at some level realistic and objective realizing that none actually takes him seriously.

He understands that for most of the people he’s just a deformed and depraved man with a funny voice, who’s also a descendant of the aristocratic family which ran out of money and lost former authority.

And he uses it for his own good. He couldn't if he didn't, otherwise he'd choose way less twisted ways of behavior

He knew what would the people at the party see in him, so he could predict what behavior would cause the result he needed.

He understood Selina wouldn’t take him as a serious opponent, seeing him as a lonely slow-witted man or whatever, being sure that she can hook him as any other in such an unpretentious way she thought she would be able to make him do all the work instead of her. His awareness made her plans all exposed and clear

But all this negligence combined with his pride does hurt him though, no doubt. There’s a whole episode about it, when he occupied Bruce’s house.

He has his own reasons to envy and hate Bruce, by the way. They both are from rich families, both intelligent, strong and talented, but Bruce is more young and handsome, plus, his family business remained successful. At this point he is much more luckier than Oswald

I mean even if it gets to falling Bruse safely falls on tent and Oswald falls on the dirty ground through hell, fire and high boiling water (I don't give a shit that it had been made for the comedy matters)

Basically, the only thing Oswald is doing is trying to restore not only the family’s honor, but also his own with help of money and growth of his authority. Maybe even to show others and himself that he’s something more than just a garbage. That he's something more than he seems to be at the first sight

But as far as I can see Oswald has never been that type of poor kid with low self esteem crying in a shower with the lights off and who then starts to hide behind the wall of arrogance as he grows up. I mean right in this episode he says that his mother had always told him that he was a handsome one, so I think his parents loved him, maybe even spoiled at some point, and gave him confidence and warmth he needed.

Though well, to be fair, children are cruel, and of course they would react to the child who lookes like a victim of a crazy geneticist's experiment in a very specific way. Some would avoid him no matter what it takes, for sure some would get used to him and communicate normally, but some would mock and bully him severely. So of course he would start to protect himself

But sadly he went in wrong direction, since his confidence became arrogance and his ways became much more twisted and radical

Even as an adult he’ve chosen a really slippery slope, though. He could've chosen a different path, but (as I guess) he couldn't overcome his sense of injustice and his resentment towards people around him, who actually neglected and loathed him. So he just sank in his negative experience and sharpened himself as the lone survivalist, which made him egotistical to the point when he doesn't care about the others and can actually stumble in some situations, being sure he can't be wrong

His actions can't be justified, but they can be explained. Oswald is really very understandable character

So

There is actually no moral of the post

Just me coming to conclusion that The Batman's Oswald appears to be quite deep in the first seasons

Yes, I just wasted about 5 minutes of your life, and you can't take those back

But I can leave you with a question besides frustration

Why in the bloody hell are they holding each other?!

I mean come on

Few hours ago they revealed mutual betrayal, he almost killed her, dropped her on the froor so she couldn't run away with the thing he needed, and now they hold each other flying away on a jet-umbrella

And don’t f🐧cking tell me they do this because of the fear that if one of them falls the other will too

No f🐧cking way

Just imagine flying on the f🐧cking jet-umbrella, you will cling to it so tightly that one day you will take it into your grave with yourself because you will not be able to unclench your f🐧cking fingers after a single flight, but instead of holding the motherf🐧cking umbrella they hold each other

So is it a weird joke or a very thick hint?

Who knows

[ceratonia-siliqua]

Heaven Is a City We’ve Been Priced Out Of (Ch 1)

Another death is nothing, but the life he finds in the wake of it means everything. --- After taking out a target, Bucky just plans on getting home and going from there. Running into heaven in the form of the skinny little slip of Peter Parker was not part of the plan. Doesn't matter now though, Bucky isn't leaving without the mysterious angel in the slums.

AO3 LINK 

Warnings: Underweight character (due to poverty), violence, drowning, mentions of drugs (no usage), and possessive behavior.

The ones like this. The slow ones. They were one of the few times he truly felt something other than indifference. One of the few times he felt pity. As the grimy little thing seized in his hands some part of him, the once human part, hoped that this was a release. A sad, painful life this thing had lived, it was written in it’s skin. The dirt, the leathery hide, the wrinkles, all signs of a poorly lived life. A series of mistakes that lead it to Bucky’s hands to die, drowned in less than a foot of water as he held its face submerged in a bucket by the neck. Sinking it would have been too obvious, holding it in the river itself too loud. So he sat here, stiff as steel, unflinching as he felt the body desperately suck in water looking for air. Pained gurgling that had made lesser men empty their stomachs. Thought he could hear the lungs sloshing.

It gave one final kick and slumped. Bucky held it there a few moments longer, making sure the deed was well and truly done. He let go and the bucket slipped, the homeless man slumped to the ground, now drenched in water. Bucky’s arms covered in scratches which had bled under the dead man’s fingernails. He dragged the body towards the river. The yawning void of night swallowing the scene, a bad part of town where predators lesser than him lurked. No one would see the man who had to die. The man who had stumbled in on a Family dealing, a deal meant to be so secret not even Bucky knew the details. Why they had sent their top enforcer made sense in that light, even if the man was an easy kill, failure was too dangerous to risk.

Bucky silently slid the man into the water. Waded in, washed under the man’s nails to remove evidence of his existence. Scooped mud from the bed of the river to redirty them. He went out till he was chest-deep, rolled the body in the water to ensure nothing was dry. Let the body settle face down before pushing it out into the current, watched as the mass of tattered cloth was whisked away in the turbulent, black water.

He got out, stripped his wet clothes off and threw them, wrapped in a plastic bag, into the ratty backpack he had brought. Put on beat-up jeans and an old T-shirt, a well-worn coat and barely held together shoes. Picked up the various ‘valuable’ trash he had originally put in the bucket before setting off. The last article of clothing dawned, an old blue baseball cap.

The quickest way back was through the tent city he had originally come through. He retraced his steps, the man in the river already forgotten, just another body that marked him a killer. It seemed as though those within the homeless encampment knew that as well, the dirt paths between the cluttered tents strangely empty. Prey could always sense the proximity of a predator it seemed.

He was studying a strange sculpture in front of one of the tents when he walked into something. The clattering of cans and the short point of contact led him to believe it had been a garbage can until he heard a high “I’m sorry!”

He was going to ignore it, keep walking and leave the rat to scuttle amongst its filth when he caught a flash of the boy in front of him. The kid could barely have been older than eighteen. Big doe eyes and wild oaken curls, milk-white skin hidden underneath dirt and poverty. For the second time that night he felt. This time it wasn’t pity, there was certainly sadness but this feeling… it warmed him. His very bones sang with the image of divine beauty before him. The dim street lights in the distance seemed to build a hazy halo and for a second Bucky wondered if he had truly found an angel. It seemed as though God had a cruel sense of humor to place such beauty before him after he had smothered a helpless soul only twenty minutes before. He wanted to reach out, feel divinity on a carnal level. He wanted to-

“I’m so sorry sir!” The sweet bell of the angel’s voice brought him back to reality. To the fact that the angel was kneeling in the dirt at his feet, scrambling for cans that had been dropped and scattered. No place for a being of heaven.

He crouched down and helped pick up the trash, placing it in a plastic grocery bag where the others that had been retrieved sat. “It’s alright, shoulda been lookin’ where I was goin.”

They picked up the rest of the cans in strangely comfortable silence, though Bucky wished to hear his voice once again.

“Ah, thank you for helping me. Most people would have either taken them or kept walking. I really appreciate it.” The kid looked up at him. Those honey brown eyes melting his heart, their gaze saying so much more than his words could.

“Of course, seems rude to walk away when you were in need’a help.” As though he hadn’t been planning on just that.

“Still, thank you. I don’t think I’ve seen you around? Are you new here?” Those sweet eyes blinked at him, curious as they melted through every wall he’d ever put up.

“Yeah, just came to this part of the city, didn’t know it existed before.” Not a complete lie, though Bucky had never been one to care about the morality of such a thing. Yet, lying to this man more than needed made him feel off kilter, like there was something wrong about it here and now.

“Oh, yeah, most people don’t know about it. They don’t want to think about us, sadly it’s easier to forget than try to fix it.” The kid stood up. Bucky mirrored him, never taking his eyes off him. “I’m Peter by the way.” A frail, bone-thin hand reached out towards him.

Bucky saw that hand and it was like he’d been slapped across the face with it. Suddenly the sallow body before him came into focus, the beauty still fiercely present but a sickness hid behind it. Something in him broke at the sight, a protective instinct he didn’t know had been living buried under his skin ripped through him. He took that hand ever so gently, wanted to cradle it between both of his own but refrained. His closed fist swallowed that tiny hand. He could feel every knob, every knuckle, bone, and tendon shifting under that paper-thin skin. He didn’t dare squeeze, terrified he would shatter it. “Bucky, pleasure to meet you.”

Peter blushed and it stoked a fire inside of Bucky, the flare of pink bringing life back into that now too pale looking skin. Bucky had to resist every instinct to consume the angelic little thing as Peter politely pulled his hand away.

“Well Bucky, I know it’s a bit late but would you like to come by my tent? I don’t have much but I’d like to treat you to a snack if you’d be willing.” The kid wouldn’t make eye contact, glanced away. Bucky wanted to hear him say his name again, wanted to hear it whispered in his ear between gasped breaths and screamed as he slotted himself inside Peter’s body.

“Course, doll. Lead the way.” He gestured absently with his hand towards the dirt path.

Peter strode ahead, so trusting as he left Bucky at his back. It made the hunger grow. In his world, trust was everything, to have it so easily given made him want to know more. Made him want to keep Peter and all his innocent trust to himself.

The journey took longer than he expected. Peter’s tent seemed to be on the very edge of the encampment, a fact that set off alarm bells in Bucky’s head. The farther his tent was from the center the more likely he was to be attacked and harmed. Such a frail thing would be easily overpowered and wounded. It triggered a rolling swell in his gut, a muted anger that these people would leave someone so vulnerable on the outskirts in a place set up to provide safety in numbers. That anger only bloomed into a simmering rage when he realized Peter had a limp. He’d seen enough of them to know it, even as Peter clearly tried to hide it. It wasn’t an old knee injury-induced one, Bucky had seen enough busted knee caps to know it. No, this limp was from a hip injury, how it occurred was beyond him but that fact was as clear as day.

Peter brought him to a dark green tent that had seen far better days. It had been patched with duct tape, plastic bags, and even small strips of cloth. It was filled with numerous holes too small to bother patching up, that said, there were spots where the fabric puckered from being sewn together. This tent was old, older than Peter. Pointed to the fact that even amongst the homeless this boy was at the bottom rungs of poor, barely sitting above those without tents. Peter stopped in front of the zipped up entrance and faced Bucky.

“There isn’t much but it’s mine. It’s meant for four people but it might still be a little tight. You’re a lot… broader than I am so I don’t know, hopefully it’s not too small.” Peter gave a nervous smile, like he was trying to make Bucky comfortable with all this.

He wasn’t, but not in the way he knew the boy was worried about. “I’m sure it’s lovely doll, don’t be nervous for my sake. I can promise I’ve seen worse things.” Far worse. Terrible, terrible things.

That blush popped back up again, warmed Bucky up once again only to be doused by a bucket of ice water. Peter opened the tent, inside was almost harder to see than the outside. A pile of bags filled with cans sat in one corner, waiting to be recycled for change. A small pile of food, barely worthy of being called a pile as it consisted of a few cans and a plastic tray of cookies, all carefully taken care of and clean despite the dirt that seemed to cling to his skin. Ratty blankets took up a third of the floor space, all threadbare and providing a poor illusion of being better than sleeping on dirt. Each detail chipped away as his cold heart, somehow thawed out by this angel disguised as a wretch. It should have been frightening, to become so attached so quickly, to want to protect this being with every fiber of his own. It was foreign, completely alien to Bucky but in a way, it grounded him. Just the short time he’d already been around Peter made things feel sharper and brought him into the present. Like he had been dissociating, barely within himself all this time and Peter was a light sent to return him home. Bucky had never been a religious man but in this moment he felt as if Peter may be something beyond human, a gift sent specifically to pull at Bucky and make him feel.

Peter took off his shoes, beat to hell red converse that were held together by hope and tape. It was such a domestic and ingrained activity, yet strange to see in this context. Slapped Bucky across the face as once again he was forced to acknowledge that this hovel was Peter’s home and had been for god knows how long. Bucky set the bucket he’d been carrying outside and slipped his own shoes off, seeing how clean the floor of the tent was earnestly kept.

“You can bring your shoes in, just stick them by the entrance. Some people will take anything not nailed down.” Peter said it jokingly but it only made Bucky wonder if the sparse belongings were because of someone following exactly that code.

“I have cookies, they’re fudge stripes! I got them a few days ago, this nice old lady offered to buy me a snack. I… probably should have asked for something a little more substantial but I couldn’t resist. It’s been a long time since I’ve had sweets.” There was a distinctly sad note to Peter’s voice. Bucky hated it, never wanted to hear it again. Too permeated by sadness already.

“Doesn’t hurt to enjoy the little things.” Not that he got to enjoy much of anything.

“Well, I’m glad I have them at least. It’s a bit harder to share stuff from a can. My spoon broke so I just kind of drink out of them. I don’t think you’d appreciate swapping germs with a random stranger all that much.” Peter smiled as he opened the tray of cookies, slid out the plastic holder, and held it out to Bucky.

Bucky tried not to think about how he wanted to do a lot more than just swap germs with Peter. But, he was a man of control, and even though this slip of a thing was working his way under Bucky’s skin in the most pleasant of ways, it didn’t suddenly void his training. He took two cookies after Peter encouraged him to take more than one.

“So, Peter… How long have you lived out here?” Took a bite of the cookie, hated the taste of over-processed flour and cheap chocolate but was willing to put up with it when Peter beamed. He seemed to take pride in being able to give despite having so little.

“Oh, here specifically it’s been about six months but I’ve been homeless for about a year total.” Peter was shoving a cookie in his mouth as he rustled around in the blankets, looking for something. Bucky zeroed in, watching as even with this helpless one he could not break the need to be on guard.

“And how’d you end up homeless, kid?”

Peter stopped and looked at him. “I know that there are a lot of stereotypes out there but it wasn’t drugs if that’s what you’re thinking,” he resumed looking, found his prize in the form of a small box of cigarettes. Bucky couldn’t help but note the irony. “I lost my aunt and uncle in an accident. I lived with them for most of my life after my parents passed. They didn't have life insurance so I was on my own. Had to sell everything to pay off their debts and then my hips were crushed in a car accident three months later. I lost my job and all the insurance payouts went to medical bills because I didn’t have health insurance. Seems like insurance is the root of all evil in my stories,” He laughed and offered Bucky the box of paper wrapped nicotine. He explained when Bucky shot him a look. “I don’t smoke but they’re good for trading. You said you were new to this whole thing so I thought it might help you out some to have these.”

Fuck, fuck, this god damn kid. He couldn’t leave him here. Couldn’t let such a sweet soul rot out here in slums of the city. Bucky’s world may be dark but at least it isn’t this. At least there is food and a bed. At least every moment wasn’t trying to survive solely on chance and the kindness of others, however rare it may be. Could be yours. You could keep him safe, an angel all your own. He doesn’t have to say yes… A voice whispered in the back of his mind, dark not like his own but… persuasive.

“Peter, you don’t have to give me those… I’m not homeless, I was just passin’ through. Was headin’ to my car just on the other side of all this.”

Peter wilted, set the pack of smokes off to the side. “Oh, I’m sorry for assuming. People just don’t usually come through here unless they are.”

Bucky gently caught Peter’s hands, startling them both. “Peter, let me take you home. Let me treat you right. You shouldn’t be out here, let me take care of you.” Knew he sounded crazy, could see it in Peter’s eyes.

“Bucky… that’s really kind of you but…” I don’t know you; know if you’re safe to go with. Peter didn’t say it but Bucky could hear it.

The same voice whispered to him, telling him to just go the easy route, pick up the kid and leave. No one would notice but… Seeing him wilt like that just from Bucky rejecting the cigarettes told him all he needed to know. The beauty on the outside was alluring but the peaking light of his personality was something he wanted, needed. He wouldn’t risk destroying that, not now.

Bucky reached into his back pocket and flicked open a pocket knife, held it out by the blade to Peter, didn’t miss him flinch. “I know I’m askin’ a lot here, doll. Can’t have trust without earnin’ it. If you don’t feel safe then you can take a stab at me.” Covering the blade he set his fist lightly just below his ribs. “Just take a shot here, blade isn’t long enough to kill me but it’ll still hurt like a bitch.” He held it out again, this time a little closer to Peter. Let the knife rest on his open palm this time.

Peter picked it up very carefully. The knife was carbon black all over and the blade about as long as his pointer finger. Bucky used it for a variety of things. It wasn’t a great weapon but it was reasonable for someone on the street to casually have. Even if Peter tried to stab him, he didn’t have the training to do much damage, and Bucky could easily stop him before it plunged through his skin. No, this was about proving something. Showed that Bucky was willing to give this stranger a weapon to defend himself to prove he meant no harm, risking his own hide if Peter ended up being the “dangerous” one here.

Peter looked up at him out of those doe eyes, so large in his hunger ridden face. “Okay, I’ll go with you, but only for tonight.”

Bucky wanted to laugh, Peter wasn’t leaving tomorrow. He’d go the peaceful route first, certainly, but Peter had sealed his fate by taking the knife.

Bucky shuffled out of the tent. “Let’s go. It’s gettin’ late and we’re gonna have to run through somewhere and pick up food. I’ll have groceries delivered tomorrow, you can tell me what you like and I’ll make sure it’s in the pantry.” He could feel Peter’s need to protest, wanted to grin when it didn’t come. The temptation already enough to stifle complaint.

He slipped on his shoes, picked up the bucket, and held out his hand to Peter. The young man gave it a suspicious glance before gently taking it. Bucky did let himself smile this time, happy to have this tiniest of surrenders. His car was only a few minutes away but he had a feeling Peter would grow tired. The hand not only a warming point of contact but a way for Bucky to assess Peter’s exhaustion.

“Come on, sugar. Car isn’t terribly far. Food and shower seem like priorities right about now so we’ll go somewhere quick. Any preferences?” Bucky wasn’t normally a talker, in fact, the amount he’d spoken in the last twenty minutes was more than he had willingly in the last four months. Something about the kid made him chatty, made him want to run his mouth just to see how Peter would react to every word.

“Um, just something warm.” Peter squeezed Bucky’s hand for stability as they clambered over uneven ground. Peter had closed the knife and was holding it in his other hand, not quite relaxed but not strung tight. “I’ll really eat anything, it’s just cold and I think something warm would help.”

The word ‘cold’ pinged in Bucky’s mind as he realized that yes, it was. Things like that didn’t normally come up on his radar, weather was one of those things that just was so he was inclined to ignore it. He only ever considered it when he needed to dress appropriately to blend in. He slowed for a second and slipped his hand from Peter’s to remove his coat, handing it off to Peter.

“Bucky, you don’t have to give me your coat. It’s cold and you’re already doing so much-”

“I’ll live, cold doesn’t bother me much and you need the insulation.”

Peter looked like he wanted to protest, and seemed about to. Bucky cut him off by taking the coat back briefly so he could drape it across the smaller’s shoulders. He picked Peter’s hand back up and went back to their march towards the car, charmed briefly by Peter’s childish huff as he followed Bucky’s lead.

It didn’t take all that long. The car came into view, exactly where he left it. It was a painfully dull car, one of the various work vehicles the Family had on hand that he was given to use. The license plates were regularly swapped and all under false identities just in case it was ever linked to a scene. It was a perfectly serviceable car, which was why Bucky didn’t think about the challenge it might pose for Peter’s injured hip.

Bucky unlocked the car and opened the passenger door for Peter, who stood there staring at it. He naturally read it as hesitation, Peter possibly reconsidering.

“Somethin’ wrong?” Ready to catch him if he ran or lunged.

“Yeah, um, I- I can’t crouch that far without… without my hip locking up and falling.” Clearly embarrassed to admit, refusing to look at Bucky.

Relief. “Oh, doll, I’ll help you. Come ‘ere.” He gently maneuvered the smaller man so his back was against the open door frame. “Put your ‘ands on my shoulders and I’ll lower you down.” The ‘h’s disappearing in the softness of his accented voice.

Peter complied, held on tight as Bucky bent his knees and braced Peter with an arm just below his rear and a hand on his lower back. Bucky had lifted and lowered enough bodies to know it needed to all be in the knees as he crouched to help Peter down. Nearly purring as those arms wrapped around his neck, clinging to him as Peter was guided down into the seat.

“Thank you, Bucky.” Peter withdrew, not in fear but merely to situate himself, buckle in.

“Anytime.” Shut the door carefully and moved around the other side, scanning the area for anything abnormal, anything he should worry himself with. Nothing but the empty night looked back at him. He dumped the trash in the bucket into the bin in front of his car where he’d found it and stuck it in the back seat as he climbed into the driver seat.

Peter had his hands folded in his lap. The knife still closed and now resting between his clamped thighs. Bucky wanted to reach over and feel the soft muscle giving under his hand, to pet at the pretty thing next to him. Instead, he jammed the key into the ignition and listened as it hummed to life. Pulled away into the night without looking back, for the first time bringing back a life where he should have left death and death alone.

[hellishvu]

Wildfire;

☆彡 where you get knocked out by the famous robbers of the city.

— this is kinda cute, when i say kinda i mean super cute. also no i do not think maknae line or anyone in bts would actually steal! this is fictional! but i hope you enjoy this story i really got a burst of inspiration when i was reading this book about murder? correlation? there is none (・・?) and yes i was not on hiatus or not writing i was putting my actual blOOD SWEAT AND TEARS into this story! so i hope you enjoy it, i think its one of my most well written stories!

words: 6,596

“Bunnie get the milk!” Jimin screamed over the isles covering their faces with an animal masks. Calling out Jungkook’s code name so if the security does have any audio they still wouldn’t know who they were and who would grab so much chocolate cookies.

“I got it! Bear get the cereal!” Jungkook runs across the isles, the dark barely lit by his phone light that he shines through the isles. Sliding across the isles till he lands on a huge stuff animal of Spider-man.

“Oh hell yeah.” Jungkook snickers to himself grabbing it suddenly adding it to his “shopping list”. Jungkook skips down the isles trying to find Jimin so they could leave. The playful walk he does while he turns seeing the familiar haired boy Jimin.

“What is that?” Jimin whispers grabbing the cereal, grabbing all of their all time favorites and some of the more experimental ones. He sees Jungkook snuggling with it before putting it in his backpack.

“Don’t blame me when you don’t have a cuddle buddy.” Jungkook sees Taehyung showings the bags of groceries. “Look he’s here.” Jungkook pointing at the man with the bear mask, Taehyung. The separate bag of what they do for the homeless near their home town. They always think about people that can’t do what they do.

“Why does bunnie have an spider-man stuff thing out of his backpack?”

“He’s soft!” Jungkook whines as they all rub his hair, giving the warm feeling of comfort even if they are currently in a currupted business of grocery stores. This company was well known for treating their workers like garbage and having many horrible morals by the owners.

“Let’s go bun and bear.” Jimin smiles even if they couldn’t him. Wrapping his hand around both of their shoulders holding them close even if they tried to get out of his grip.

You had driven back from a little road trip and just when you finally get around 15 minutes away from home your car just completely shut down on you. So parking on the side of a very dimmed resting stop you see a van. Already red lights are going off, vans have a very very bad reputation. You see a male come out of the bathroom of the resting station with a bowl and spoons, opening the van door stepping inside.

“Let’s see if he can help me.” You say turning off your car. He didn’t seem of harm, holding onto your keys walking towards. If anything goes wrong you can hit them with your keys. “Hello I was wondering if you could help.” You say seeing the van door open seeing three people with animal masks on. A bunnie, a bear, and a duck was all you could remember before you got hit on the head knocking you unconscious.

“For the boys!” Jungkook screams out seeing you knock out. Taehyung took off his mask when he realized you weren’t gonna get back up any time soon. “Do you think he was a cop?” Jungkook asks peeking over the van.

“Don’t you think the cop would announce he was a cop before opening the door?” Jimin checked your pulse just in case. Never can be too sure about situations like these. Taehyung grabs the back of your shoulders. Your body flopping around as Jungkook grabs your feet feeling a bit responsible for what happened.

Jimin checks your car seeing it was locked, trying mutiple times to open it running back to the two with your body. “No use his car isn’t open.” Jimin announces the information meaning Jungkook to look around trying to find a spot for you to be safe.

“We could just put him in the van.” Taehyung suggests, Jimin kissing him on the cheek agreeing with the idea. “Check his pulse again.” Taehyung asks Jimin, could never be too safe.

The three nodded placing you in the van while they all hover over your body, Jungkook cuddling with his new spider-man, Jimin placing each of his hands on both of their thighs, and Taehyung glaring checking on your breathing. Hours went by still they didn’t see a movement till you groaned causing Jungkook to abandon his spider-man ready to meet you.

“Wha-What happened?” Slowly you rose up from the van ground not realizing the 3 in front of you. Rather attractive people seeing the stranger’s face. “Who are you?” You asked and suddenly the aching headache blasted you internally. The bump on your forehead grew red. The guilt hit Jungkook when he realized you were in pain a lot more than he expected.

“Uh Bunnie here might have knocked you out.” Taehyung says insisting Jimin grab a pack of ice from the mini cooler they had in the front. Jungkook looking at you waving.

“Your car was locked so Bear thought it would be a good idea to put you in here.” Jimin describes while grabbing the pack of peas wrapping it around a towel.

“Bear? Bunnie? What I am in a different planet?” Feeling the cold ice hit your forehead had some relief of the headache but it was still pronounced. The throbbing stage was there and you felt like laying down. Your brain cells were still trying to connect your in a van with 3 fairly attractive people that call themselves by animals.

“You never seen the news?” Jimin asks seeing you nod no. You couldn’t with how busy you were these pass couple weeks. The nearby police sirens were heard first by Taehyung making him jump.

“They are coming.” Jungkook was on high alert grabbing his mask before jumping to the front seat. Plugging the keys into the engine while you saw the pretty one with gorgeous lips pick you up and set you on the bed in the van.

“You’ll be fine. We can come back for your car.”

“Car? Oh.. Oh! My car!” You get up quickly your vision turning blurry about to grip at the car door before Jimin holds you back silently trying to tell you to rest. “My car.” You whine out when you fall asleep once again. Jimin staring you down with a worry look.

The van sped away from the rest stop just seconds before the police got there. They were looking around to find any clues to the robberies but were met with a dead end and a broken down car but had a camera that was running the entire time.

“I think you two or should I say three should call me the best get away driver in history of mank-” Jungkook brags while Taehyung gives him the eyes. They park in another rest stop hours away from the other one relaxing finally.

“Remember that one time you ran into a pole and we had to run on foot?”

“I said I wa-”

“For days.” Taehyung sternly says while Jungkook crosses his arms trying to look for Jimin. “Jimin you think I’m the best?” Any sorts of praise from him would make his statement true but when he did look at Jimin all he saw was him taking care of you, every minute he made sure you were okay, and it reminded him of the way he treated him and Taehyung.

“Yeah of course I do bun.” Jimin smiles at him making Jungkook run over to the back of the van giving him a kiss.

“Now as apology, Taehyung give me a kiss!” Jungkook points at Taehyung while he gets over to the back. He cheeky smiles when Taehyung pecks his lips on Jungkook’s.

You finally woke up once again the pain levels had lowered but you still felt it’s presence linger. You saw the man with the pretty lips look down at you with a smile. Meanwhile the other two were too busy giving hickies to eachother.

“Oh uh. Look I’m not into.. orgies?” You stumble through your words, obviously you spoke whatever first came up in your head still gaining consciousness from the slumber.

“Orgies?! Take us on the first date jeez!” Jungkook giggled pushing Taehyung off of him. The three were finally looking at you to avoid the awkward eye contact you looked over at the window and saw a completely different town that you weren’t suppose to be in. You didn’t even know which town you were in.

Jimin opened the van door, stepping out of it telling the others to take care of you while he buys you a water bottle to help your head. You sat quietly afraid to speak a word looking around the van. The masks that you remembered before getting knocked out.

The awkward silence lasted long before Jimin arrived passing the water to you pushing Jungkook to get driving to a nearby restaurant. Taehyung helped with directions even if they both missed the exits many times.

“So why the masks?” You asked. Jimin grabbing it to show you the detail of the mask. He placed his hands on his knees wondering how to explain it to you.

“We are here!” Jungkook announces from the front, parking in the back of the restaurant just to be more hidden. Taehyung gets out fixing his hair in the reflection of the window.

You just went along with them, I mean you had no clue where you were at and you didn’t know the last time you ate something. Walking in you saw Taehyung open the door for you 3 getting a quiet thank you from you while you sat on a booth table. Jungkook immediately going to the burger section of the menu.

“What are your guy’s names?” You ask while drinking your beverage. Trying to keep yourself from the awkward silence to occur.

“Taehyung.” Jimin says pointing at the one already eating the appetizer that were for free. “Jungkook.” Another point was the one sitting next to you, remembering quickly that this was the person that knocked you out. Scooting slightly away from him. “And I’m Jimin.” Jimin says with a slight tone of leadership. You made a note that he was someone you shouldn’t mess with.

“Nice... nice. I am Y/N, nice to meet you guys. Do you guys work?” All three of them laughed. The most innocent looking people can have the deepest secrets and you were faced with a group of people that were exactly like that.

“You could say we do.” Jungkook smiles at you, nodding while you take that he is the least intimidating one out of the 3.

The food arrives and the comfortable silent table hits, expect all you could hear was Jungkook munching on his burger while Taehyung shares his grilled cheese with Jimin. The tv on the screen was on the local news, your mind wondering till your eyes landed on it. Seeing a familiar place, Jungkook looks where you are.

“N-No.” Jungkook stutters out of his mouth. The realization of what is being shown. Jimin quirks his eyebrow before looking behind him Taehyung joining along.

The news showed a video of the van and Jimin going to the bathroom. Soon enough you were in frame of the video walking towards the van. Although the video was blurry it was clear who it was. You finally knew who they were and why they were so secretive. They were the famous robbers of the city and you just got yourself into the mess of a tornado. The video was zoomed in to see all three of their faces when they had taken off their mask to check up on you.

“What. The. Fuck.” Taehyung’s voice was very different now. It used to be soft and honey like but you could tell he was pissed off. Beyond calming down and you would be lucky if he didn’t make a scene at the restaurant.

“Hey Tae.” Jungkook tries to calm him down placing his hand on me table hoping he would hold it. Meanwhile Jimin looks kinda out of it, like he’s planning how to fix this.

“Look guys.”

“Was this part of a plan? Are you part of the police? Better yet a detective?” Jimin says quiet enough but his voice was powerful. You knew if you didn’t explain yourself they would get up and leave you. Not thinking a second thought about you.

“I didn’t even know who you guys were till now!” You tried not to get angry because the look on their faces obviously told you that they thought you were lying.

“Why do you have a camera in your car?” Jungkook asks because he always sees the good in people. He always gives people a chance to explain themselves.

“Because if I get robbed or something. It’s a safety procaution. It’s nothing else I swear.”

“Let’s go.” Jimin requests the bill quickly not even giving the others the chance to finish their food. Jimin grabbed his jacket walking out getting into the van.

“He’s mad.” Jungkook whispers in your ear, being near you so you wouldn’t run away neither feel isolated. You thanked him for being with you even if it felt like you were hated by the entire universe.

“The plan is to drive you back. Get you in your car and get out of our lives.” Jimin hisses at you laying down on the back of the van. Your posture was tight being afraid if you move a muscle you could get kicked out.

“How far is my car?” You ask Taehyung but he had ignored you. The cold shoulder hurts... a lot more than you thought. Jungkook sits in the drivers seat, you joining him since he seems to be the only one that is on okay terms with you.

“3 day drive if we don’t take a break.” Jungkook says playing more soft music when he looks back. Jimin and Taehyung buzzing off to bed in eachother’s arms.

“Do you always drive?” You ask looking out forward seeing the traffic. Resting your head against the window.

“Most of the time yes but when I’m tired Jimin usually does.” Jungkook slowly makes his way through the large amount of traffic. Turning up the music a little so you two could hear the lyrics.

“We are in a poly relationship if you’re wondering.”

“Yeah.. yeah I kinda knew.” You asked, Jungkook giving you his phone to take charge of the aux cord. His wallpaper was the three of them posing with a waterfall behind them.

“You can change the song whenever. I’m always up for new music.” Jungkook smiles while you played your favorite song. The beat coming in while Jungkook turns a corner to a coffee shop.

“I need to just get some smoothie to keep me up. Since I didn’t get to finish my meal, I’m a bit tired.” Jungkook turns off the engine getting out locking it. You joining him to the walk of the stand.

“Want something?” He asks while taking out his wallet. The small id with his goofy smile in his wallet.

“A water would be fine.” You got out your money that you had left over from the trip. Placing your hand on his wallet to put it away. “Let’s get something for the other 2.” Trying to get on their good side, wanting to make it somehow better by the end of this trip.

The orders were placed while you drank your water sitting on the outside bench provided by the stand. Jungkook glancing towards the stand waiting for the drinks to be ready. You got out your phone seeing it was dead and you doubt they had a charger in the van. Placing it back in your pocket, Jungkook seeing it.

“We could stop by a motel, get some rest. You could charge your phone.” Jungkook suggests trying to find a nearby motel that wasn’t too expensive.

The worker called out your name making you get up and grab the drinks. Passing Jungkook’s his while you held on Taehyung’s and Jimin’s. Jungkook opened the van door seeing the two playing on a switch too busy on Super Smash.

“Oh thank you Jungkook.” Taehyung yawns grabbing the drink from your hand. The classic favorite he has that Jungkook remembers like his own name. Jimin grabbing his from your hand still not giving you a chance to speak.

“It was actually Y/N’s idea. He paid for them.” Jungkook says sipping on his getting to the front of the car leaving you with them staring at you. They gave you a small smile before going back to Super Smash.

“Thank you.” Jimin mumbles. You sighed knowing you were making progress with them. You didn’t know how long you could take them being mad at you for.

“Thanks!” Taehyung says seemly more focused on the game but it was good enough in your book. Going back to the front of the passagers seat seeing Jungkook put it in reverse before going back on the freeway.

The night arrived and the motel was shown in a glow up sign. Jimin checked in showing off the key unlocking the door to see 2 beds. That’s all they could afford currently so someone was going to share with you.

“I’ll sleep with him.” Taehyung says earning a chuckle from Jungkook. “Not like that Jeon.” Taehyung glares at him while you look in the bathroom exploring the bedroom. You didn’t have any clothes so I guess you were sleeping in your evening clothes.

The night was quiet, not much went on besides Jungkook turning on the shared tv to play a comedy movie and Jimin fell fast asleep his arms wrapped around Jungkook’s waist. You laid your body away from Taehyung till you heard him snore feeling safer to lay flat watching what Jungkook was chuckling about for the pass few minutes.

You viewed the red clock seeing it was 1:23am. Jungkook finally falling asleep leaving the tv on and you got up slowly to go turn it off so you could save electricity. Walking to the back of the room where there was a small patio, leaning against the fencing. Hearing the sliding door open you glanced to see Taehyung.

“Couldn’t sleep either?” Taehyung says still groggy from a nightmare he had. You nod tapping on the railing. At least you and Taehyung were now on speaking terms.

“Yeah just thought I’ll have some fresh air.” You whispered taking a couple deep breathes. The night was cloudy so not much stars could distract you from Taehyung. It was just you and him, the way you looked for something to look at so you didn’t have to look at him. “It’s nice. Out here.” You tried to start a conversation but the way you heard Taehyung laugh seeing your try wasn’t successful.

“Yeah. Just near a highway full of drunk drivers.” Taehyung crosses his arms. You saw how the topic of drunk drivers affected him, the way he said it made you cautious of the topic.

“When me and the two were just getting together. At first we had trouble with the idea of poly and we asked ourselves if we could ever work. Then..” Taehyung saw you turn your head finally making eye contact with him, your face showed you had all the intentions of good, listening to him. No need to be defensive if you weren’t going to insult him.

“Then a drunk driver hit us. Full on. First thing I got out of the car was “God where are they? Are they okay? Are they dead?” That’s all I was worried about even if my ribs hurt like hell.” Taehyung looks back at the clear door seeing the most important people in his life soundly sleeping. You gave him a sympathic look trying to help him through the brought up memories.

“That is when we decided. We are doing this. We learned so quickly how short life can be and we did it. We are in a poly relationship.” Taehyung finishes his story with a small smile seeing the clouds slowly reveal stars that shine bright. The way you two are under the same stars you couldn’t help but feel you grew closer to him. You wanted to know him more.

“We should get inside.” Taehyung grabs your hand leading you back inside. He lays himself down lifting the blanket around his head while leaving some for you.

“Goodnight Taehyung.”

“Goodnight Y/N.”

“Goodnight us.” Jungkook says causing a little giggle to come out of him on his side of the room. Taehyung throwing his spider-man plushie at him causing him to whine out. Jimin mumbling a quiet barely understandable “shut up and go back to bed.”

The next morning you woke up to see Jimin eating oatmeal watching a reality tv-show. Last person you would think watches reality shows was Jimin but you learn something new everyday. Jimin finished his oatmeal setting it on the end table seeing you were awake.

“The others went to get actual breakfast. Take out of the good old pancakes.” Jimin says getting up running his hands through his hair making a mini bun with the use of his hands. “How was talking to Taehyung?” Jimin asks clicking the tv off.

“It was nice to understand him a bit better. Understanding you guys has been my favorite.” You said glimpsing at Jimin looking at himself in the mirror.

“Surprised you haven’t asked the elephant in the room.” Jimin washes his face before patting it on with a towel, you noticed he was in a differnt pair of clothes assuming he went to the van to get a new change of clothes.

“The elephant in the room?” You asked seeing Jimin turn to you.

“Why we rob?”

“Oh. Well it’s none of my business if you guys don’t want to tell me. No offense will be taken.”

“We never rob more then what we need. I’ll tell you that.” Jimin hears the door open seeing the two holding the take out bag the room filled with the pancake scent. Jimin sat on his bed giving Jungkook and Taehyung a kiss and thank you.

You four dug into breakfast smiling seeing them full cheeks of pancakes and Jungkook placing his cut bananas slices into a smiley face. Taehyung drowning his pancakes with honey and Jimin drinking his morning tea with little chuckles in between each sip seeing the two with their breakfast.

“Y/N I need you to go ask how much another night here would cost. Could you do that?” Jimin asks, Jungkook and Taehyung knew that look of Jimin’s. Something important was needed for alone time. They all looked at you when you nodded getting up from the bed walking towards the door.

“We are running low.” Jimin finally says once the door was closed hearing your footsteps become faint.

“On what?”

“Everything. We need to rob.” Jimin says closing his box of breakfast sighing into his hands. “But he is here.”

“We shouldn’t involve him in our shit.” Taehyung says while Jungkook nods. You in fact should not become a robber because once you do it, you’re offically in it. For the long run.

“We don’t have a choice.” Jungkook says even if he was always in the optimistic way of thinking. There was no other solution for you, they couldn’t leave you at a park and come back with a van that’s going 1,000 miles per hour. “I stay with him and you two can go.” Jungkook suggests the idea, they both know if anyone that couldn’t get pass was Jungkook probably because 1) he was buff as shit and 2) he was incredibly stubborn.

They heard the door open, their body posture changed immediately to waving at you trying to shoulder off the secrets. You explain the prices but they all thought about how explaining that they had to rob and you were going to be apart of it was going to be. Their thoughts raced and all they wanted was to somehow trust your word that you wouldn’t say a word.

The drive to the store was silent and the small talk you tried to make was quickly shut down when you got dry responses back. You saw Jungkook was driving closer to the store seeing the large logo of the grocery store coming closer.

“So what are we do-” You turned around seeing Jimin and Taehyung in masks, the masks you seen on the news. You knew what they were about to do, and you were a eye witness to it all. You could get involved. “No! No!” You tried to stop them but Jungkook parked in the back of the parking lot seeing it was a more empty day, the back of the store was the best escape plan.

“Y/N please don’t make this harder then it has to be.”

“What do you mean harder? I am in a situation where I can go to jail!?” You truly did try to stop them from whatever plan they had. Jimin nodded to Jungkook before opening the door and running with Taehyung inside the back door of the grocery store. Jungkook saw you get in the back of the van seeing you grab at the door to leave.

“Don’t. Y/N please dont.” Jungkook pleads with you while you look out seeing no alarms go off just yet. You weren’t ready for this, you weren’t ready to throw yourself into a criminal but the look of Jungkook made it so much harder to leave.

Jungkook places himself in front of the door the only way out and in this van. You huffed feeling trapped inside this van. You couldn’t breathe god your chest rose up and down but not a single amount of oxygen was in your lungs.

“Calm down. Please.” Jungkook says you placing yourself between his arms desperately trying to pace your breathing. Jungkook hates seeing this, so much he felt the need to tell you it’s going to be all alright. “Once we get to your car we won’t tell anyone that you’re part of this okay? I promise you.”

Jungkook and you were like that for a while, till he saw the two run with the stolen goods. Jungkook got in the front of the car turning it on driving to pick up the two. You tried to get yourself together, tried to make the best of the situation. You opened the door seeing Jimin and Taehyung jump in the van closing the door behind them.

The drive back to your car, you had forgotten about it at this point. It was quiet, you stayed in the back of the van while Jimin and Taehyung filled the air with their deep pants of the running they had just done moments ago.

“What is wrong with Y/N?” Taehyung asks while Jimin searches through the bag of the goods. You sitting in the corner of the van not speaking a word.

“He’s having a tough time.” Jungkook tried his best to explain because he has no clue what’s going on in your head. He doesn’t know if you want to leave as soon as they arrive at the motel. Jungkook was scared and he wanted to say something to you before any of that could happen.

“Hey you alright?” Jimin asks placing a hand on your knee, seeing you flinch slightly but you knew they wouldn’t hurt you. Human touch seemed out of the question for now. Jimin understood your body language giving you some space.

“I just wasn’t.. ready for all of this.” You explained seeing Tashyung get closer to you. Lifting your chin up to look at him. The calming brown eyes you saw while he smiled.

“You will be okay, I promise nothing will happen to you.” Taehyung says titling his head still keeping that smile that lowered your anxiousness. You weren’t as afraid of the future. “And if anything happens to you, I will make Jungkook run me over like a pancake.” Taehyung jokes causing a small chuckle from you.

“Don’t be so explicit.” Jimin chuckles seeing the coast was clear. It wasn’t the more aggressive high speed chases and the last thing you would need is that.

The last stop before well you could go back to your car. The decision of reporting them or to live your life with only the memories of them. You overthought your decisions, like what if you met them again? Would you able to handle it? Jungkook parked the car at a whole new motel. The back having a pool this time, the same thing happened once again. Jimin checked in while you 3 checked out the pool.

“Woah it’s heated.” Jungkook touches it basically oozing with satisfaction. The grin arrives when Taehyung starts to take off his clothes. Jungkook hiding his eyes jokingly. “Taehyung we have clothes in the van!” Jungkook teases while Taehyung dives in the water.

You two got splashed by Taehyung attempts at trying to get you guys inside the warm water. The two of you decided swim trunks and a tank top was the best choice changing in the van. You got out seeing Jungkook in an all black swim suit, walking with him back to the pool seeing Jimin floating with Taehyung swimming underwater.

“Since when did Jimin get in?” You ask Taehyung getting up for air, splashing you a lot more since you were now in the appropriate wear. “Hey! Hey it’s still cold!” You see Jungkook no where to be found till you felt a sudden push behind you, your brain needing a second before it realizes “you’re going into the water”

“Oh very funny!” You got up on the surface of the water seeing all of them giggle. They were all your best moments in your life and most anxious moments. They were beautifully chaotic.

You four all swam around playing the classic games of marco polo and who swims the fastest, surely you lost against Jungkook. The boy was a merman you swore. Taehyung getting on your back while he floated against your body. Jimin splashing you a little and Jungkook getting under you holding you on his shoulders causing you to yell out trying to grab onto something to stable yourself.

“Jeon!” You yelled out as he dunked you into the water plugging your nose before getting submerged underwater. Jungkook laughing when you got up from the water. Splashing him in response of his teasing.

When it was time to get out of the water, Jimin got out first basically freezing and jumping back into the water since it was way warmer than outside. You all questioned him but you saw the faces of them with their red nose.

“We all run for it.” You said while the others nodded. You gave the signal the four of you yelling running to the room. The loud giggles coming from all of you surely woke up your neighbors but you were having the time of your life.

Jimin got out the key quickly unlocking it jumping on the bed not caring if he was wet, Jungkook landed on him. Creating a dog pile you and Taehyung joined along. The laughs you all shared, Jungkook’s nose crunches, Jimin throwing his head back almost a belly laugh, and Taehyung with his box smile barely able to breath from how hard he was laughing.

Stuck in the position for a while the laughing stops soon and you all enjoy the quiet breathing of each other. It sunk into your heart that maybe your regular life wasn’t meant to be. That fate or the path of your life placed you into theirs. Maybe you were suppose to get knocked out by literally mini wrestler Jungkook and eat pancakes with them. 

“I like you guys.” You sigh all four of you laying on the bed. The wet clothes sticking onto your body. Jimin getting up from laying down looking at you. “Like a lot.” Jimin sees your hand, it was in a fist the knuckles showing while you stared off into space.

“We like you a lot too.” Jimin rests back down, feeling comfortable. Jimin about to turn on the TV to push the topic into something else. While Jungkook held on the remote before Jimin could get it.

“No, we like you more than that.” Jungkook says standing up from the bed. Obviously he was shivering from his wet clothes. Standing between the tv and the bed blocking your view.

“Jungkook you need to go change.” You looked on the ground for his clothes but he stood on top of them. Laying down on the bed you looked up seeing his determined brown eyes to get an answer from you.

“Do you like us? Like “like” us?” Taehyung stood up along side Jungkook. They wanted you to say yes, that you’ll stay with them. This relationship was almost destiny. You weren’t mean, judgemental, nor a know it all. 

“Because we like like you.” Jimin gets up also joining the line of the defense warriors between you and the bathroom. You sat up seeing the wet inprints on the bed of the 3. 

“I love you three.” You finally said gaining a smile from all of them while they jump on you. Wrapping your arms around them as much as you could. Taehyung leaving kisses on your cheeks making you smile till you were sore. Jimin holding your hand caressing the front of your hand with his thumb. Jungkook nuzzling his head on the other side of your neck. "Okay okay! Now can we go change?" Seeing they were still wet and even if you wanted to be in this position for the rest of your life the wetness made it icky.

They all changed into their new pair of clothing seeing you already fallen asleep since you went first. Jungkook placing himself next to you hearing a little groan for him to come closer. Jungkook let a little meow when you suddenly wrapped your arms around him pulling him close. Jimin coming out freshly showered seeing the masks on the ground of the motel feeling that anxiety rise in his chest. He forgot about it all, forgot about the crimes, and forgot how you reacted being in that situation. He felt bad, that he was pressuring you into this new world that felt like you had no choice on whether to come or not.

Taehyung coming from the bathroom seeing Jimin stare into nothing almost. He tilted his head to see Jimin staring at the masks realizing soon enough what he was thinking about. Reading his glare and looked over to you and Jungkook. He knew this would break Jungkook but it was decision that can only be made by you. If there was one thing he never wanted to take away from you was your choice of freedom.

"Jungkook." Jimin quietly says seeing Jungkook get out of your arms standing in front of the masks unknown of what was wrong with them. The smile turned south when he saw their bothered faces. "We need to talk. About Y/N." Jimin announces the ache in Taehyung's stomach.

"We can't just leave him! He- He loves us!" Once Jungkook heard the plan his entire body froze with fear. That they were going to leave you in the motel leaving you because the guilt of forcing you into this runaway lifestyle was eating them alive. They didn't want you to be hurt or worst in jail.

"We have to Kook. You know we do." Jimin says not even able to look at the young boy's eyes.

"I want to meet him again, somehow or somewhere. Or else I am staying." Taehyung says fiddling with his fingers till he saw Jimin grab a notepad in the motel.

"We will leave him a note." Jimin says, he was quick thinker of the group. The planner seeing every little thing that could wrong and make a plan that completely avoided all issues.

You wake up to an empty room, no warm welcoming. The bathroom was dark and open, isolated you were. The room felt cold looking at each bed seeing no one. Even going to the point of looking outside to the pool. Only a family was swimming, you asked them if they've seen the 3 boys, no luck. Running back to the room you saw a note on the tv stand in the room, seeing a little note that you assumed was made by Jimin. "We will meet again." seeing a whole complete puzzle that felt complicated. It intimidated you to your core, what if you couldn't solve it? Will you just plainly never see them again because your brain was on hyper drive and couldn't process the puzzle?

"Fuck.. fuck!" You threw the pen till you looked on the ground seeing the aux cord from the van, Jimin's rings, and Taehyung's phone on the ground. Odd enough that gave you the fighting spirit to continue this puzzle. It was like they told you that they believed in you so much they left objects important to you. The aux cord that Jungkook couldnt drive long enough not without his music, Jimin and his fashion of rings feeling free of fashion, and finally the phone that Taehyung always records his videos of him lip syncing or the skies. You knew they were giving you a chance to leave with your normal life, that you would join their group. That robbing was just part of their lifestyle but you would take all of it just to be with them.

You got a cab with the money you still had finally figuring out the puzzle after hours, seeing the sunset the skies becoming dark. Wherever the idea that they possibly could have given up on you, that they just decided to go on with their life and most saddening to leave you behind. Telling the address to the driver she gave you an odd look. You didn't know the town very well nor what was popular but once you saw that the way to the road becoming less full of trees, the plains of the town. Parking by the bridge thanking the lady before running down under the bridge seeing the 3 sitting on the ground near the river.

"Look who made it." Jungkook basically is glowing the sunlight hitting his face while he saw the aux cord in your hand. Running to you at full sprint hugging you.

"Jungkook doubted you." Taehyung jokes around. You reached the back of your pocket giving the phone to Taehyung. Him giving you a smirk joining the hug.

"I did not!" Jungkook raises his head from your neck sticking his tongue out to Taehyung. Jimin waving at you walking seeing the rings in the palm of your hand.

"Maybe Jimin made it too easy." Taehyung snickers seeing you frown your eyebrows.

"Jimin made my brain shake and die a little." You joked seeing Jimin finally join the hug. The rings around his fingers being completed with you and the two being in his arms.

"The choice to come wasn't." Jimin finally finishes the sunlight finally going down, the running waters of the river, and the slight moo's in the background from the cows on the plains made you laugh a little.

“We should probably get your car.” Taehyung snickers just now realizing this entire time you’ve been far less. Who knows if you still cared about it.

“It’s probably towed at this point.” You chuckled placing a kiss on each of their lips. The first kiss under the bridge near a running river.

[pearlroseteas-interdimensional]

Spoilers for season 3 episode 7 (Tales from the Citadel)

So, I do believe my Morties Feeling Worthless is Dangerous theory was correct. 

What the hell happened in this episode? We learned life on the Citadel, we learned why our Rick hates it. 

We also learn we are actually following our Rick! I was for sure the twist of this season was this was a completely different Rick, being a punch in the balls for the viewer. I guess the creators just aren’t as cruel as me?

We learned Rick’s society... Is society. They are rebuilding what they have lost and we watch the effects of our Rick’s actions, while just the same knowledge and possible education status (probably? Infinite realities, one of them went to Brown) there was still a social latter. 

That surprised me, because before I thought the Citadel was honestly like a mall, hotel, tour area where Ricks and Morties came for supplies, and why our Rick was always in trouble for getting things for his things, but not other Ricks it seems?

It might have been that, before the attack. We see Ricks with injuries, Morties without Rick, and a huge crime problem and I think a Morty strip club? Uh, I never read it, but it sure sounds like Citadel of Lost Children. 

We learned how much Morty are taken for granted, they are given zero education in a school, lawyer Morty was seen as a thing to be fun, and when the Morty from the diner tried to get a taxi, they skipped him, going to another Rick. 

If we look back to the first episode showing the Citadel we see a sea of Ricks and Morties, happy.

 We see Morties dumb and happy. However, let's look at the new Citadel. We see unhappy Ricks, we see dangerous Morties. What else do I see? Morty's never went back to their universe. Rickless Morties are still forced there to be there. They're forced to be alone from their families and their entire life has truly stopped. I believe the old citadel was better, despite it all, Morties were treated better, Ricks and Morty were free and they actually had leaders. 

A law, from the last scene shows, it was against the law to kill a Morty. So while being pieces of shits, the Rick council had enough morals to not allow their other grandsons to be abused as badly as usual. Another thing I caught onto was no Rick went home? It looked to be they lived there and did daily jobs. Does this mean these Ricks never left there? Is that why we never see another pair of our main characters during adventures? This was probably spoon fed to us but it's been so long since I've seen the old plot heavy episodes. 

(SPOILERS) 

We got the return of Eye Patch Morty, who ran for president and seemed to treat Morties better this time around? He's not torturing them yet, he was quick to fire that one Morty. There is no more council, it's one person. I know it isn't a monarch but think about it. He already had killed and disposed of those on the table who had opposed him. He completely avoided the question when asked about his original Rick, using the excuse of being a Morty with an "Aw Geez! We traveled around so much!" He's already got a Morty killed during his presidency, and he's shown his violent behavior early on. 

I will forever miss Campaign Manager Morty, he did his best and got shit on for doing the right thing. It’s sad, honestly, this was one of the parts that made me ball my eyes out. I have never cried over this goddamn cartoon before. Why did he have to die? I love him!

Speaking of this scene, look at all those corpses. It’s barely been any time at all and without the Council of Ricks, they have already spilled so much blood. They’re like children who are finally free. They are destroying what made their home, their home. It’s not just Ricks out there either guys, they had no problem killing a Morty. Which, was illegal in the times before. 

Morties could be abused, but now they are truly isolated, dying and having real racism being brought their way. Any Morty in this place is unsafe, any Ricks are unsafe- everyone is unsafe.

(End of major spoiler) 

(Semi spoilers) 

NO DOOFUS RICK HECC HE BETTER NOT BE DEAD, CREATORS 

I love Dumb Ri- Long Morty. But he shows us that they have to put each person in a category so bad that people like Doofus Rick or Long Morty they have to make a lower citizen.

Morties are committing crimes, becoming dangerous and now a lot are using some Rick's love to manipulate them. They feel worthless, Morty Cop said utterly Mortist comments and shown the lack of respect he had for himself and his kind. He killed them, said they didn't matter and it was found out he was just as bad, if not worse, than the other Morties. The Rick cop was the most human of the team and the town. 

Morties acting like children hits home with Ricks, I do believe Ricks miss Beth, their family, wives and the normal relationship they could have with Morty. I think those cookies taste good not only because Rick feels successful, but the fatherly love he possesses for his daughter. It seems he had to leave her too, or a freak accident happened. 

Maybe they formed together to protect their loved ones because the government targeting them. No matter what, Ricks are dangerous.

Also, I know this got to be some goddamn foreshadowing. Showing us how cold blooded Morties can be- Rick is in their blood. Yet, Rick is human, he's not a complete monster.

There is a strip club of minors- Morties, creators calm yourself! 

I’m slightly salty 90% of the Morties shown were just normal Morties with some minor difference. When I saw what this episode was actually about, I was so excited! I wanted Pocket Morties, I wanted Rabbit, Miami, Ghost and more Morties! Not just Glasses, Left, or Slick Morty, thought Liztard Morty was awesome- he was just a DNA test gone wrong. I still love him though

The cop Rick shows us a new type of Rick, our Rick shows a compassionate Rick who tries to keep his love under-wraps.

Doofus Rick shows us a kind, simpler Rick who is open, and quite wise on certain topics. He made oven less brownies and made Jerry feel better about his collection, he’s awesome!

Long Morty (Dumb Rick) shows us how Ricks are so determined to make little sections of each person that they put their own in the same mistreatment and abusive place as their Morties, he was just a Morty to them. They even are killing him in those tight clothes!

Cop Rick shows a new Rick, fresh from training and wanting to help people, Ricks and Morties alike. He shows us that Ricks can be open with their emotions and have moral high grounds. He better not be a one off character. He wants to help people, but this might have jaded him. I don’t think he has a Morty, but gosh he’s so sweet to the ones he talks to

The cop side story was disheartening, we saw an even darker side of Morty in this episode. They’re all just teenagers, without parents or true lives to go back to. They are forced into a ghetto like town with other teenage themselves.

Expecting to, like adults, to be functional and not depend on a Rick, even though that’s all they’ve done in that crazy, dynamic world. 

The Morty School was just as I expected, a fun adventure before Slick Morty (SPOILER) threw himself in hoping to make a good life for every Morty. I honestly hope he is okay and alive... In the garbage. 

It also shows us Morties are simplified by their Ricks, “Fat Morty, Liztard Morty.”

When the Glasses Morty told Slick Morty he also rolls his sleeves up, I realized something. they’re truly only judged by their appearance, and sometimes a certain character trait. They’re not people in this society. They truly are a shield, sidekick, a joke- nothing unique. So common they are passed around like pets.

in all, a great episode, you should get caught up and check it out.

[pass-the-bechdel]

Supergirl s02e16 ‘Star Crossed (1)’

Does it pass the Bechdel Test?

Yes, twice. Barely.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Five (41.66% of cast).

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Seven.

Positive Content Rating:

Three? I guess.

General Episode Quality:

Nevermind, they’re back to stupid. So, so stupid.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) UNDER THE CUT:

Passing the Bechdel:

Kara passes with Rhea when they meet. They speak again later. There’s a lot of Mon-El involved both times, but they get there eventually.

Female characters:

Kara Danvers.

Alex Danvers.

Lyra.

Rhea.

Maggie Sawyer.

Male characters:

Mon-El.

J’onn J’onzz.

Winn Schott.

Lar.

James Olsen.

Boris.

Mandrax.

OTHER NOTES:

“To make Daxom great again.” Oh, no.

Ok. That flashback. I have mentioned before, how disturbed I am to find that the original confrontation of Kara’s prejudices towards Daxom have since been shown as actual deserved disdain, and how Daxom being actually exactly as bad as she said (to a caricaturish level) undermines Kara’s supposed lesson as well as treating Krypton as holier-than-thou despite all the huge flaws in its culture that have been made so evident, creating this huge us-vs-them divide with a really clear ‘good side’ and ‘bad side’ and absolutely zero nuance, etc. The flashback to Mon-El’s departure from Daxom as it actually happened does no favours to any aspect of the narrative: Mon-El is shown as hesitant and concerned for the safety of others in defiance of the prevailing Daxomite attitude, because the show is too afraid of the audience backlash if they show him being truly callous instead of just passively allowing it, while at the same time the narrative gives no quarter for Daxom and its people as a whole despite their undeserved fates. We are supposed to see Mon-El’s guard and think him awful, but what do we expect any ‘good’ guard to do? Maybe not kill that one guy, but the rest, with the ignoring everyone else in order to focus on rescuing the person he’s pledged to protect? Even killing the Kryptonian makes sense (is not morally ok, but makes sense) in the context of being exactly the kind of targeted violence that happens in the real world when people are ‘othered’. The coding of the behaviour is so transparent it’s disgusting, and coupled with that not-even-veiled MAGA line just before? Daxom’s Republicans to Krypton’s Democrats is a pretty fucking gross parallel to draw. I am very disappointed in the show for all of this garbage.

Remember when I fucking flagged Lyra as using Winn for her own ends the second she stepped on screen? Fucking flagged it. 

This is a much better Hamilton joke right here than the one a few episodes ago, but that one a few episodes ago was still too much, and that steps on this, because, really? Two sizeable Hamilton gags with only a couple of episodes between them? You’re trying WAY too hard to be current, show. It’s embarrassing.

Uurrrgghhh, and now we’re doing the ‘oh actually Lyra had a good reason for being terrible!’ thing? This shit is so predictable and empty and I am so over it. Remember one episode ago when this show was momentarily good again?

Is Guardian fighting in a fucking glass factory or what? So many glass panes to be thrown through.

So, we pretending that Lyra’s lie and Mon-El’s lie are the same? Just ‘they lied’ is not a parallel, show. These are not comparable situations.

See, Mon-El says in his apology that ‘I was a spoiled, useless person, but I didn’t know’, and that’s a big part of what is making this whole storyline, all season long, so poor. The total lack of nuance in Daxom. The clear-cut morality of Kryptonians which, also, lacks the nuance of reality. If Mon-El was raised in that life, how much opportunity did he have for seeing the flaws in it and recognising them as such? We have no concept of his level of self-awareness, and refusing to allow people room to grow is not how you achieve progress. At the same time, Mon-El’s process of self-improvement on Earth has been so paint-by-numbers simple, it’s hard to take it seriously. If he’s found changing so easy, how entrenched were those ‘spoiled, useless’ teachings that made up his entire formative existence? Real people take years to overcome such things, not least because when it’s a commonplace feature of how you were raised, it’s hard to recognise that there’s even a problem, let alone dismantle the rationale in your own mind that has allowed you to be unthinkingly complicit. Expecting Mon-El to change like flipping a coin is unfair; blaming him for the circumstances of his birth is unfair; telling this story in the way that they have, with his self-awareness and capacity for immediate total overhaul not just of personality but of ideals apparently uninhibited and detailed with only the slightest of backslides? Utterly unrealistic. What should have been a long, hard journey of self-reflection, questioning, and honestly ugly behaviour has instead been casual comic relief and romantic faux pas, and that’s so insulting. I can’t support Mon-El as a character because I can’t support the ill-constructed narrative that made him; in basic terms, he doesn’t make enough sense. He’s too unrealistic to function.

URGH. This is such a fucking mess I am annoyed at myself for even trying to untangle it. That kinda happens when you’re trying to over-simplify your storytelling to this extent: the break from reality is too intense, and you end up with a heap of confusion that your audience can’t figure out how to engage with on a meaningful level. In university, the single most important word I learned was ‘ethnocentricity’ - the belief that your own culture/background is inherently superior to all others. On the surface level, this is plain ol’ racism - and can be many other ‘isms as well, as cultural background shapes our perceptions of gender, sexuality, religion, etc. Looking deeper, we see ethnocentricity manifest when we assume that our social or moral codes are automatically the correct ones, without pausing to question where we got those codes from, and whether or not, actually, there might be better ways to do things. I actually debated this directly, back in 2016 when two Australian men were executed in Indonesia for drug smuggling, and the debate over the morality of the death penalty was rife throughout the country. I’m not going to get into that debate again here, but as an example of ethnocentricism, it was a case in which a lot of Australians flat refused to acknowledge the possibility that just because another country has different laws which conflict with our way of doing things, doesn’t necessarily mean that the people of that country are corrupt, lesser beings with an under-developed sense of morality which we need to step in and correct. Different ways of doing things can be shocking to our sensibilities at first blush, but we have to think about why they are that way and how the backdrop of that logic informs the constructs we see, before we pass high-and-mighty judgment over others. 

Supergirl’s Daxom narrative is a perfect example of ethnocentricism at work, with zero reflection: Kara is right, Mon-El is wrong, this cultural division is all-encompassing and without exception, the end. To be clear: I’m not suggesting that there’s a way to argue for, say, slavery being ok, but what there is is nuance to how people reach such a conclusion, and if we refuse to engage with the nuance we can’t engage with cultural learning, sharing, or understanding, and that’s how you end up with blank hostility instead of working towards more positive futures. Something being ‘obviously morally correct’ is (as evidenced through the entirety of human history) not enough to change systemic issues outright; if it were, the systemic issues wouldn’t have developed in the first place. Supergirl has run into trouble here because it’s trying to be topical, addressing the divisions in current US politics, but it also doesn’t want to actually have a nuanced conversation about the subject, and so instead we get heavy-handed black-and-white morality that only alienates the two sides instead of identifying common ground and building upon it to bridge the gap. Moreover, the show cripples its ability to explore these concepts in a better, more thorough way in the future, because it refuses to commit to the shades of grey in its situation and instead builds a two-camps concept in which any dithering or olive-branching between the two looks like ideological compromise and moral degradation instead of the complicated and painful process of learning that it represents in the real world. 

The truth is that as nice as it is to sit on your moral high horse feeling pure and special while everyone else scrabbles on the muddy ground, you can’t understand the people down below and you certainly can’t help them unless you’re willing to hop down and work through the mud as well, and what use is ideological purity if you’re the only one who benefits from it? That doesn’t mean that we should all start behaving in ways that conflict with our moral compass because, hey, some people are bigots, but it does mean recognising that we are all in a process of self-improvement and if you’re not at least open to the possibility that your way of doing things isn’t the best way, you can’t progress yourself, nor does treating others with condescension help bring them to your way of thinking or at least to a middle ground from which you can proceed together. That’s all a much messier and trickier prospect than what this show wants to deal with, and yet it’s exactly the story they’ve blundered into the middle of with the ridiculous notion that they’re gonna be able to clear-cut their way out. Mon-El’s process should involve a lot of questions: not ‘this thing is correct because obviously it is’ or ‘this thing is correct because Kara says so’, but rather ‘I’m being told that my way is wrong: why? Why is it wrong? Why was I taught that it was right? In what ways has my belief in the correctness of this thing influenced my perceptions of other things? Is it possible that this thing I believe actually is right, and Kara is wrong? Why should her perspective be infallible? What are the consequences of either possibility? Does that jive with the rest of my understanding of the world? What else is altered by this change? Are these alterations also correct?’ and so on, and so on, ad nauseum. Exhausting, repetitive, and complicated, yes, but that’s the reality (not least because he’s supposed to be a literal alien from another planet, but, whatever). At first, I thought it was stupid of them to introduce Mon-El without bothering to spend time on his integration into Earth culture outside of a handful of gimmicks; now I see that it’s much worse than that. I don’t expect this whole arc to end well; I only hope that it ends quickly.

[friedesgreatscythe]

man i miss the days when i could just like shit--specifically romance-based stuff--without having to climb up on a soap box and write mini dissertations either in defense of something i just liked, or in a sociopolitical critique of why i know it’s flawed and wrong but how that doesn’t reflect me as a person.

it’s honestly exhausting. and it’s unfair to ask that everyone look carefully and closely at stuff they consume (unless it’s like, demonstrably a terrible thing coded for virtue signalling and other garbage. but that’s not as common as people think). sometimes you just wanna like characters or relationships and not have to worry about what that says about you as a person.

i don’t have the mental energy to engage in entertainment on the same levels that i apply towards real-life efforts. i consume media to be happy, and it’s hard enough to be happy in fictional contexts for reasons that can be completely asinine or disconnected from what other people say about it (see also: the twelfth doctor’s last episode, and the way clara’s been treated by DW in absentia). my heavy-lifting outrage and demand for change has to be applied to real things in real life that cause real problems.

eta: and i realize that a lot of my frustrations with this is because i base a LOT of my emotional responses and opinions on things i like depending on how the people around me also feel about it. i don’t change my mind to fit theirs, but i do feel in doubt and constantly guilty if what i like are things that people around me--people i trust and love--are using as evidence #1 in their moral high ground arguments.

and it’s not even that i can’t handle different opinions. this isn’t about preferences and taste. this is about me enjoying something, and having to sit through essay-length analyses of why it’s bad, wrong, or a poor choice(tm) that has some real world implications.

so the point of this post is really just me getting annoyed that i can’t disconnect from other people on that level. this trait of mine is a learned thing from abuse, but it’s also a feature of my bpd (discouraged, specifically). i try so hard to avoid conflict and police my emotions and reactions to thing, in the hopes to avoid any hint of someone getting annoyed or upset with me. i do this with EVERYONE, because for years if i had a ‘wrong’ reaction to something, or felt the ‘wrong way’ about something, i’d get fucking beat for it.

so when i come across these posts that are like YOU NEED TO EXAMINE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT xyz, i feel like i’ve committed some great, massive wrong. it’s less painful when it comes from strangers, people i follow who are vaguely mutuals of mine, but it still hurts. when it’s from friends, people i trust and have known for years, i feel horribly guilty--and then it just becomes a sneaky shame spiral. i still like what i like, but now i have to worry who among my friends is going to rake me over the coals for it.

and i’m just tired. i’m a sick woman and i’m tired and i just want to like things. so i have to figure out how to disconnect in a healthy way.

[pan0ramy]

my english essay about mark & jack!

it’s done!! finally. 8D

my english teacher gave us an essay assignment this week, and from all the possible essays we were given, one of them stood out to me the most:

Write a personal essay in which you reflect on moments of insight and revelation you have experienced.

so, it ended up being about mark & jack!! i’m going to put the essay itself under the cut so you don’t have to scroll through the whole thing. just a heads up if you do choose to read it: 

it’s an english essay. written by me. it is going to be long. you have been warned.

It is very hard to deny that the internet and social media have a huge impact on the lives of many these days. No matter where we go or who we see, phones and computers are absolutely everywhere. This reliance on technology & the internet has lead to a lot of criticism, with the general consensus being that the internet is a dangerous place full of negative influences. But this doesn’t mean that every “internet personality” has a negative impact on the people that follow them; some can prove to be valuable role models for their fans, and can even be their friends in times of need. I, personally, have two role models, both of them being well-known YouTube personalities. However, I can confidently say that neither of them fit the stereotypes I mentioned above, and their morals and guidance have given me insight into the type of person I aspire to be.

The first of these two personalities is Seán McLoughlin, more commonly known by his YouTube name “jacksepticeye”, or just simply Jack to his fans. Seán is an extremely bright, bubbly person, and this definitely comes across in the videos he makes. Yet despite the millions of fans he has, Seán has never let this inflate his ego in any way; he is an incredibly humble and welcoming person, repeatedly stating his wishes to come across as a real person to his fans, rather than aspiring to be the most famous YouTuber. There are many aspects of his personality - like this one - that I look up to him for, but what stands out to me the most is his work ethic. McLoughlin has, for the past three to four years now, made two videos a day every single day, and he definitely prides himself on this. However, he has also made a handful of videos discussing his fear of failure, which is certainly not something a lot of people would associate with internet personalities. This humility and hard-working mentality that Seán displays has been a constant source of reflection for me, as I am currently preparing for my Leaving Certificate exams. It made me realise just how much work is required for these exams, and while that may seem daunting to think about, Seán’s constant work ethic and positivity has been more than inspirational. He has undoubtedly helped to keep me grounded and focused on my goals.

"Go out there, find what drives you, find what motivates you; find what your true passion is and throw yourself at it. It might not work out at first - you might feel like it's going to fail, you might feel like it's too much to take on, but just make a start somewhere. If you want change to happen, make a start and do it."

The second of my role models is another YouTuber – Mark Fischbach, known as “Markiplier”. Mark is another great example of a role model who constantly encourages their community to do great things in today’s society; a big example of this would be the monthly events Mark holds to raise money for various different charities. However, while I definitely admire his generous qualities, I mainly look up to Mark for his morals and values. In February of this year, Mark made a video addressing the controversy surrounding one of his friends on YouTube; their actions caused quite a stir and caused many people to send various threats and insults their way. In response to this, Mark made a video simply called “Respect”. In it, he expresses his own thoughts on the situation, as well as reinforcing the message that everybody has the right to be treated with the most basic level of decency and respect, regardless of what they have done or who they are as a person. This video showcases Mark’s personality excellently, and definitely inspired me to reflect on my own personality. It also led me to realise that the morals Mark displays in the video align with the morals I aspire to have, and it shows that there is an awful lot more to him than just a person behind a camera.

“I believe very firmly that every single person in the world has the ability to do something amazing or terrible. To spread love, or hate. And whether or not they do one or the other depends on us - it depends on us being strong enough to take the high road in the face of the worst adversity.”

As well as this, Mark touched on the mentality surrounding internet personalities and celebrities in general. He continually stresses throughout the video that regardless of how society may view them in the news, these people are human. Even though it can be hard to remember that, they are simply people “trying to figure out who [they] are”, just as we do every day. Just because they are constantly in the public eye doesn’t mean we should put them on a pedestal, or glorify them while putting others down. This links back to my earlier point about having celebrities as your role models; it isn’t a bad thing to look up to them, yes, but it’s also important to remember that they are just like us at the end of the day. These points were nothing short of revelations for me personally, as this can be an incredibly easy thing to forget about in today’s culture, which constantly hones in on celebrities and their actions. As such, it is now something I reflect on a lot, and I coincidentally have an awful lot of respect for Mark because of it.

"It's so easy to label someone. [...] It's so easy to boil someone down to a single word or a phrase, and that's all they are. Even when you're praising them. But [...] even when you're putting someone on a pedestal, or if you're calling them human scum, and trash, and garbage, you're inherently dehumanizing them in both aspects."

It is very hard to put into words the impact that both Mark and Seán have had in both my life and the lives of many others. They prove to be a constant source of positivity and inspiration for everybody in their communities, and it goes without saying how grateful I am to have them as my role models. Not only have they given me ample opportunity to reflect on my own personality, but they have inspired me to better myself, and to show others that moments of insight can arise when you’d least expect it.

[land-of-frogs-and-dragons]

y’know

I find it real facinating that any and every point on any stance on any issue a person can ever have has an arguable side.

Like, take for example the issue of abortion. Some people say Pro Life, yet their stance is squarely in the “let people make their own decisions but if I were in their place I would not get an abortion, and I will not let my view control the autonomy of others.” Other Pro Life individuals are the hardened “noone can have abortions ever because of religion/my beliefs/ect,” which is also an arguable stance. And then there are Pro Choice/Pro abortion people who’s views are also nuanced and varied. It’s just really interesting that all these viewpoints can be argued and that people won’t always change their minds on an issue. Like, you can logically argue over the existence of God, but the people who believe in God aren’t always thinking in terms of logic and, therefore, won’t change their beliefs.

You won’t change the mind of someone who is against gay marriage based on “well, straight people can marry so why can’t we?” if you scream at them and call them dumb, but if you bring facts and calm debate to the table then people tend to be more willing (this, of course, discounts those who are against gay marriage bc they think that NO marriage should bring you extra rights which happens due to the ability to give birth to children; those people tend to not give a rat’s ass as long as marriage is solely a ceremony and not something that gains a person more rights that they ought to inherently have).

You’ll never be able to convince someone who believes in God(s) that their God(s) does not exist solely because you’ve never seen hard evidence that they exist. Just because you aren’t looking for it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. On the flipside, because you aren’t looking for it might mean that you’re missing signs that would otherwise be obvious to someone who believes in their god(s) that their god(s) love/hate you.

You won’t change someone’s mind on a viewpoint if you treat them like absolute garbage from the moment you discover they have that viewpoint; debate and discussion is a two-way street, and just because you believe you have the moral high ground does not mean you a) actually have the moral high ground, and b) mean that you’re right. The people at the Westbro Baptist Church believe they have the moral high ground and do not. Terrorists at ISIS believe they have the moral high ground and do not. Our current US President more than likely believes he has the moral high ground, though whether he does or not is up for debate in our divided nation. People who use theri place of power to abuse those without that power believe they have the moral high ground and do not. People in a mob hivemind believe they have a moral highground until they are on the spitroast for their mob; they do not have that high ground when that high ground kills someone, destroys something harmless that brings a person joy, or is something dug up from years ago when that individual was a minor and uneducated in all the things they now know and causes them to fear for their life or the lives of their loved ones.

tldr: the fact that the world is full of nuanced opinions that counteract and disagree with each other is fascinating and it’s really lovely

[hongpilgyu]

I was going to miss Portland... but then I won't.

(ARCHIVE POST FROM WEBSITE. ORIGINAL POST DATE: JULY 21, 2017)

I leave Portland for Louisville in just over a week, and tonight as I was working for Postmates, I began to feel particularly sad about going away. As I was waiting for a pizza to finish baking, I was going back and forth with the deep recesses of my mind telling me that I shouldn't follow through with the move and that Portland is all that I've ever known and will know. Only after I began to close my eyes and pray did these messages stop as I envisioned myself trekking through the wilderness with a guiding star. Only positive images of movement and action followed, and by the time the pizza was ready to deliver, my mind cleared up and I knew that disaster would happen if and only if I do NOT follow through.

My emotions changed from sadness to regret when I saw someone on the street who was mumbling near the entrance door to yet another swanky apartment complex I was delivering to. They were sitting on the ground with their blankets and belongings, whispering as if in a slumber, and despite me counting the number of dollar bills I had in my mind to give to them, I passed them right on by as soon as I closed the heavy door. Pangs of regret were coupled with thoughts of my friend Isabel, who I met on the streets and who I've committed my friendship to all the way until now, where she finally has her own place. I remembered her comment to a recent Facebook post, expressing her utter contempt at Portland city services on how poorly they treat houseless people. The city literally tries everything other than simply providing housing for people without it, she says.

Her comment made me consider the possible correlation of Portland's "sweeps" and other fuck-ups against houseless people and the anti-houseless sentiment and behavior expressed by residents. I heard somewhere that people in power have huge influence in determining what is and isn't moral and acceptable in society - you know, "fish rots from the head down" kinda stuff. This prompted me to think of that one time when this waiter at a crêpe place on Belmont was telling someone to get out for appearing drunk (and poor), cutting them off at every word with a threat to call the police. The waiter kicked them out right as I was walking in with my friends, and while I didn't end up confronting the waiter, I become angry and go off to my "what-if" scenarios and start saying what I would've said in my car as I wait for my next order. "Excuse me, did you just threaten him?" I hypothetically say, "Because if you're kicking him out, you're kicking me out. You don't get to treat people like that/garbage/trash just because you think they're drunk and poor/can't pay. I don't care what justification you made in your mind: if you're bothering him, you're bothering me, and now you don't know what to do 'cause you're bothering someone your own size."

Still angry over that waiter, I get directed to Safeway in downtown. As I enter, I see this store security cop in blue hassling another seemingly-houseless person by asking them for their receipt or proof of payment. As they were rustling through their pockets, I knew that I had to confront the cop. As soon as I was done in line, I walk up to the cop and ask them smugly, "Aren't you going to check my receipt?" They respond, "I don't need to check your receipt because I already see it in your bag." I counter, "Then why are you checking other people for receipts?" They spit back, "I'm doing my job. Is there a problem?" I scoff, "Just what I thought!" and start walking out. The cop yells, "What are you thinking?" and I spit back, "You're profiling people." (I should've said "houseless people" or "people who live on the street".) After a brief pause, the cop ends with, "Your comment is not appreciated, sir. Have a good night."

My feelings were still anger, with some high-and-mighty mixed in. I knew better than to be very proud of myself however, for when I was checking out, a loud, boisterous person asked me if I can save their spot while they go find some soup or whatever. I knew that they were also profiled as houseless because when we both first spotted an unclaimed donut sitting by the conveyor belt, the loud one asked me to pull it up front and when I did, the cashier snatched the donut away as if the loud one was going to steal it. When they returned back in line with only crumpled receipts in their hands, my instinct was to protect my phone and wallet that were laid out for them to see, and even as the loud one was making better small talk than me, I clutched my phone and wallet and put it away for fear of it being stolen. If that cop saw me earlier and called me out as much as I called them out, it'd be game over.

I ended my night hating Portland and hating what I've internalized here more than whatever I was reminiscing about at the beginning of my night. I ended my night counting down the days as before, looking ahead to the future, leaving behind this backward town. I ended my night with more bad memories, more negative confirmation and more of a bad taste in my mouth. I ended my night disgusted about the very city I thought I was clingy to. I was going to miss Portland... but then I won't.

[athome-businessideas]

Five Practices to Help You Thrive in Perilous Times

Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, where you live, your age, marital status, race, religion, sexual orientation or profession, 2017 is likely to be a year unlike any we’ve ever experienced.  America has never been more divided, and many people are feeling alienated and anxious.

Donna Stoneham, PhD, author of The Thriver’s Edge, says the key to remember is this:   Thriving is our birthright.  So now, more than ever, it’s critical to do what we can to build our capacity to be resilient. c We must cultivate a strong body, a strong spirit, a strong mind, a strong community, and a strong character, not just to survive, but to thrive now and in the future.

1. Cultivate a Strong Body. I have a coaching client I’ve been trying to inspire to take up an exercise practice.  When we last met, I said, somewhat in jest, “If you won’t do this for yourself, then do it for your country!”  We all need strong bodies because physical strength helps to ground us.  It helps keep our immunity high in times of stress so we don’t get sick.  A strong body positively impacts our attitude and helps us to feel that we have the power to successfully navigate the world, even in difficult times.  Exercising regularly, getting good nutrition each day and making sure we get sound, restful sleep gives us the energy we need to thrive and successfully manage stress and fear.

  The Practice: Move your body for a half hour or more at least four times each week and for a minimum of fifteen minutes every day.  Walk the dog.  Use a treadmill or an elliptical while you’re reading or watching TV.  Run. Swim.  Play basketball.  Do Yoga.  Just MOVE.  Get good nutrition every day.  Say good-bye to fast food.  When you’re hungry and need a snack, have a piece of fruit, some nuts, or a food bar.  Make sure you’re consistently getting at least seven hours of sleep each night and be mindful of how much alcohol you ingest. Notice how you feel about your ability to manage your emotions when you make it a conscious practice to take better care of your body.  How does it shift your attitude?  How does building a stronger body help you navigate challenges?  How does it shift your level of energy and your capacity to focus on the most important things and people in your life?

2. Cultivate a Strong Spirit. The poet Rumi said, “Come out of the circle of time and into the circle of love.”  That’s what building a strong spirit allows us to do.  It gives us a higher perspective that isn’t bound by time or circumstances. It allows us to experience a connection to something greater than ourselves and to have faith we’re not alone.  It helps us see that even though we may not agree with another person’s perspective, that we are all still part of one human family.  It enables us to see beauty in the midst of chaos or despair. Building a strong spirit helps us radiate compassion, not just for others, but also for ourselves.  It helps us to become instruments of love, joy, and greater understanding.  It helps us stay grounded and not lose our center when we feel attacked.

  The Practice:   To cultivate a strong spirit, dedicate time each day to communing with your higher power, whatever form that takes for you.  Some do this through a regular practice of prayer or meditation.  For others, it’s being in community with fellow seekers, spending time with family or communing with nature.  A strong spirit can also be cultivated through a regular gratitude practice.  Every morning when I awaken, I pray, I meditate and think about at least three things I’m grateful for before my feet even hit the floor.   It’s a wonderful way to start the day and it gives me courage to face the day.  So create whatever ritual that’s right for you that enables you to come out of the circle of time and into the circle of love.  Then dedicate at least ten minutes each day to that practice.  Think about ways that you can demonstrate compassion in the world and pay it forward, then take those actions.  A strong spirit will help you keep your wings in the air and your feet on the ground, especially when you need it most.

3. Cultivate a Strong Mind.  In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, the psychiatrist and Auschwitz survivor Viktor Frankl said, “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.”  The mind is a powerful instrument and we have far more control over what we think than we credit ourselves with having.  We are constantly choosing, whether consciously or unconsciously, how we make meaning of our lives and of the world.  In this “post-truth” age we’re living in, we must be vigilant about what we choose to consume.  The old saying, “garbage in, garbage out” couldn’t be truer.

  The Practice:  To cultivate a strong mind, take in things that feed you such as inspirational stories, great literature, blogs, or movies that inspire you or give you hope about the world.  Likewise, calibrate how much news you listen to, how much time you spend on social media, how much media you consume. Stay informed, but don’t allow the media to dictate your life or your mood.  Every day, set an intention to be good to your mind by being careful what you feed it.  Fill it with things that help expand what’s possible, rather than things that cause you to contract or live in fear.  Give yourself at least ten minutes a day to read or watch something that’s inspiring.  Start your day with an inspirational book, a TED talk or a blogger you follow that gives you hope.  Know when it’s time to say “no” to more news, especially when you’re trying to go to sleep. Notice what shifts as you become more consciously responsible for what you’re thinking, rather than allowing the noise of the world to manage your perceptions. How does what you consume contribute to how you perceive and interact with the world? How does it enable or disable you from making your most important contributions?

4. Cultivate a Strong Community. Martin Luther King said, “It really boils down to this: that all life is interrelated. We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tired into a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one destiny, affects all indirectly.”  We are all connected, and especially when times are challenging, we need people we can rely on for support.  We need assurance that we’re not alone, that others have our backs and that we will get through challenging times together.  One of the outcomes of the recent election is that people are reaching out to one another and are willing to be allies for groups of people they may have never considered before.  We are realizing that if we’re ever going to come together again as a country, we need to learn how to reach out, engage in dialogue, listen and seek to understand those with different opinions and experiences.   Building a strong web of community and support is crucial, because at the end of the day, we are all in this together.

The Practice:  Reach out to two or three friends and plan to get together at least once a month and be available by phone as needed.  You can also volunteer to host a circle through groups like Dream Corp’s #lovearmy, which are designed to help us support one another and work across differences.  You may even want to start a regular lunch group at work.  The point is to create a safe space where you can share your concerns and get support for the actions you plan to take to make a difference now and in the future.  If you have skills to volunteer, find a place to give back and pay it forward in your community.  If you have kids, take them with you to volunteer at a local food bank or charity nearby where they can also make a difference. Notice what shifts for you as you engage with your various support networks and communities, both personal and virtual.  How does what you contribute affect your sense of interrelatedness? How do others’ contributions to your life affect your sense of connectedness and well-being?

5. Cultivate a Strong Character. Mark Twain said, “It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”  Our moral courage is a reflection of our character.  These times call for us to be both brave and resolute.  We need to know what we stand for and what we’re unwilling to sacrifice, regardless of the cost.  Exhibiting character may show itself in standing up for a stranger on the subway or for someone at work who is being ostracized or singled out. It may be taking a stand for a neighbor or standing in solidarity with another group by flying a flag that represents their cause.   It may be going to a march because you believe in a cause, or it may even go as far as offering safe-haven to someone you meet because you know that’s the right thing to do. Honoring your character is knowing where you draw the line about how you will treat others, regardless of what others around you are doing.  Use your moral compass wisely to direct your actions and behaviors.

The Practice: Spend an hour this coming weekend reflecting on your most deeply held values.  Write them down.  Then spend time thinking about how you can put those values into action every day, at home and at work.   Also, give thought to what ethical lines you are unwilling to cross, no matter the cost.  Then each day upon waking, set an intention about how you’d like to show up in the world in a way that is aligned with your values and ethics.  Then do your best to fulfill it.  For example, you might start the day by setting an intention to be kind to all the people you interact with.  Or maybe it’s making a commitment to really listen to others’ points of view.  Practicing living your values everyday strengthens your character so you can rely on it in the times you need it most. Notice what happens as you become more mindful of living a life that’s driven by your values and ethics.  What possibilities open up for you?  How does it change how you interact or about the way you feel about yourself, the world, and your contributions?

We may be living in perilous times.  We can’t deny that hatred, cynicism and misunderstanding are present, but we each have the power to transform them. The author and anthropologist Margaret Meade said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

Let’s make 2017 the year we commit to strengthen ourselves in these five areas, so that collectively, we can create a world where everyone can thrive.

The Thriver’s Edge

Seven Keys to Transform the Way You Live, Love and Lead

Donna Stoneham, Ph.D.

List $16.95

Trade softcover 200 pages Also available in Kindle

ISBN: 978-1-63152-980-1

Published by She Writes Press, Berkeley, CA

  About Donna Stoneham, Ph.D.

Donna Stoneham, PhD, is a master executive coach, transformational leadership expert, facilitator, author, spiritual activist and speaker.

For the past twenty-five years, Donna has helped several thousand Fortune 1000 and not-for-profit leaders, teams, and organizations unleash their power to thrive and create powerful results in their work and lives through her company, Positive Impact, LLC.  Donna holds a Ph.D. with a concentration in Learning and Change in Human Systems from the California Institute of Integral Studies and is a certified Integral Coach®.

Donna is the author of the award-winning book, The Thriver’s Edge: Seven Keys to Transform the Way You Live, Love, and Lead named by Buzz Feed as “Nine Awesome Books for Your Kick-Ass Career” and she’s a contributor in books, The Coaching Code and Ask Coach (October, 2016).  As one of the world’s leading coaches, Donna will be featured in the upcoming full length documentary, Leap! The Coaching Movie (2017).

Donna has written for the International Journal of Coaches in Organizations, TD Magazine, Conscious Lifestyle Magazine, and The Globe and Mail. She’s been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Investor’s Business Daily, and The Huffington Post and has been a guest on ABC, NBC, and Fox affiliates, Sirius Radio, IHeartRadio and on numerous radio shows throughout the US.

When she’s not coaching, she enjoys swimming, sailing, philanthropic travel, writing, and enjoying a glass of wine on her deck with her spouse and rescue dogs in Pt. Richmond, CA

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