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The degenerate’s guide to 2017 college football TV watch ‘em ups: week 5

Schedules are getting a little better this week as we get into conference schedules and the Florida teams get back to normal.

I see some pretty strong matchups but the early kick games look kind of bad. Having USC/Washington State and Miami/Duke both playing Friday night in a TV doubleheader seems weird. Could have pushed the ACC game to Saturday morning and nobody would have been the wiser. I guess TV contracts don’t work that way, though, so here we are with this schedule. I feel the need to italicize that there are some strong matchups. It’s not a great week overall.

Times are, as per usual, Eastern and stolen from FBSchedules. All gambling advice is fully backed by RTARL’s “don’t ever ask us for shit” guarantee and comes with all requisite warnings that you are a dummy if you listen to me about anything ever.

Saturday, Sept. 30, 2017

Matchup Time (ET) TV

Houston at Temple Noon ESPNU

I was caught completely off guard by Coach Ryan Gosling limiting Ed Oliver’s effectiveness last week but those things happen. When Khalil Mack was in college there were games where he was worked around by some truly awful teams and he was playing as an off the ball linebacker. Oliver should be back to normal this week.

Maryland at Minnesota Noon FS1

I can’t imagine looking forward to seeing this game.

New Mexico State at Arkansas Noon SECN

This is a body count game for a middling SEC team and it’s still better than the B1G’s in-conference offering on FS1.

North Carolina at Georgia Tech Noon ESPN2

Matchup of two very interesting coaches but also two not very interesting rosters. Could be a fun watch ‘em up but I won’t call it a “good” game.

Northwestern at (10) Wisconsin Noon ABC

Among the many things I can’t really explain about my college football fandom is a strong dislike of Northwestern football. Like I’m rooting for Jonathan Taylor to extract blood early and often in this game and I don’t really understand why.

Rice at Pittsburgh Noon RSN/ESPNCE

It just occurred to me right now that it’s really weird for Pitt to be insanely week in the defensive backfield. I know it’s only his second year there but isn’t Pat Narduzzi supposed to be sort of a scheme wizard on that side of the ball? Pitt has looked so bad so far that this game might not even be a gimme.

(18) USF at East Carolina Noon CBSSN

ECU isn’t very good this year. They never should have fired Ruffin McNeill. USF looks like they’re getting better every week so this could be a nice bloodbath.

Vanderbilt at (21) Florida Noon ESPN

Florida could really lose to Vanderbilt in the Swamp and I wonder if even having two straight division titles is enough to save Jim McElwain if that happens.

Syracuse at NC State 12:20 pm ACCN/ESPNCE

The ACC might be the best conference in the country top-to-bottom and they can still put up clunkers like this. Strength against whatever the strongest thing you can say about Syracuse is with NC State’s pass defense going against the Orangemen’s pass heavy offensive concepts. This should be pretty ugly.

Central Michigan at Boston College 1:00 pm ACCNExtra

Harold Landry reminds me of former BC star Mathias Kiawnuka for all of the good and the bad that might imply.

Baylor at Kansas State 3:30 pm ESPN2

With Kansas State looking above average this year they should be able to beat Baylor by at least 30.

Buffalo at Kent State 3:30 pm ESPN3

Florida State at Wake Forest 3:30 pm ABC

Undefeated Wake Forest at home against winless Florida State. This will never be true again unless they play each other in a season opener.

(7) Georgia at Tennessee 3:30 pm CBS

If I understand anything about these two programs Tennessee is going to win this game on a Hail Mary after getting down by 30 points in the first half.

Indiana at (4) Penn State 3:30 pm BTN

Saquon Barkley is gonna get like 8 carries, Penn State is going to pull away in the third quarter to win by maybe 20. This looks like torture to me.

Murray State at (17) Louisville 3:30 pm RSN

These stats shouldn’t count for Louisville unless they are bad.

Navy at Tulsa 3:30 pm ESPNU

Navy playing a game on an ESPN feed seems sort of wrong to me. Other than playing Notre Dame on NBC they pretty much only ever play on CBS/CBSSN. Zach Abey has been pretty good this year (not up to his hype level from before last season yet) but Navy’s defense is pretty bad. Every game is an adventure with these guys. Tulsa has been terrible this year but they can score a lot.

Ohio at UMass 3:30 pm 11 Sports

This is one of the worst possible games this season and Ohio will somehow beat UMass on the road by more than Tennessee beat UMass at home.

UTEP at Army 3:30 pm �� CBSSN

Last year was supposed to be a step forward for Army’s program but they’ve kind of sucked so far in 2017. This is not an attractive matchup even for a gutter palate like mine.

Arizona State at Stanford 4:00 pm Pac-12N

How does Stanford keep roping me in with one single player to watch year after year while putting together an offensive system that is dependent on making everybody fall asleep? Bryce Love should go off against ASU and Kalen Ballage should continue to do absolutely nothing against Stanford so pretty much expect both of these teams to look exactly how they have looked for the past four weeks. Stanford will win in a rout, 27-16.

Eastern Michigan at Kentucky 4:00 pm SECN

Kentucky lost to an inferior opponent last week so we’ll see how they bounce back against a relatively tough Eastern Michigan team

Iowa at Michigan State 4:00 pm FOX

Iowa missed a huge opportunity last week at home against Penn State so they might be in a bad mental space against Sparty. That’s Michigan State’s best bet because they look just as bad in 2017 as they did in 2016.

Texas State at Wyoming 4:00 pm Stadium

The Josh Allen “I’m not actually good enough to play in the NFL” tour continues with a visit from Scott Bakula and the Armadillos.

UConn at SMU 4:00 pm ESPNews

UConn football is consistent with two things: being bad and having good defensive backs. That’s all I can think of for a recommendation here. Courtland Sutton could have a tough week but SMU should win. UConn is legit one of the worst teams in the country right now.

Miami, OH at (22) Notre Dame 5:00 pm �� NBCSN

I’m sure there’s a way to look this up quickly but I’m not gonna be the one to do it - how many times has a team played Miami (OH) and Miami (FL) in the same season? Notre Dame is doing it this year. I hope they lose both but last year’s bad luck doesn’t seem to have carried over to this year.

Akron at Bowling Green 6:00 pm ESPN3

Technically speaking this is a football game so enjoy it you fucking weirdos who watch bullshit MACtion.

(24) Mississippi State at (13) Auburn 6:00 pm ESPN

I still think of Malzahn as the better schemer between these two but I’m not 100% about that anymore. I think Auburn will probably roll the Bulldogs here.

Air Force at New Mexico 7:00 pm CBSSN

I’m low key enjoying Air Force football this year. This is the kind of trash game that typifies my ideal of Degenerate Football.

Ball State at Western Michigan 7:00 pm ESPN3

How does the MAC manage to infect such a huge percentage of the TV schedule every week?

Charlotte at FIU 7:00 pm beIN SPORTS

For all of the great things he did for The U and UNC’s programs, Butch Davis isn’t really a quick turnaround guy. FIU is starting from the very bottom of the stack in Florida but I’m sure if he gets 4 years there, Davis will have them turned into an offbrand monster. Kind of like what UCF and USF have going right now.

Coastal Carolina at ULM 7:00 pm ESPN3

Yeesh. Gotta respect this game for finding a place to hide. Nobody is going to watch this.

Marshall at Cincinnati 7:00 pm ESPN3

Another kind of awful matchup that’s nicely scheduled for minimum exposure.

Memphis at UCF 7:00 pm ESPN2

Without looking I would have sworn both of these teams were just barely inside the top 25 but now I am looking and neither one of them is there. Weird. This is a pretty great AAA matchup if you’re into that sort of thing. If you are not into that sort of thing you should be because this is the most interesting conference in the sport. Not the best, mind you, just the most entertaining.

Middle Tennessee at Florida Atlantic 7:00 pm Stadium

It seems well nigh impossible to me that Lane Kiffin goes unscathed in the current pay to play scandal even if the investigation never jumps from basketball to football.

North Texas at Southern Miss 7:00 pm CUSA.TV

How did so many bad games get scheduled for prime time on Saturday this week? You won’t have to do a lot of channel hopping.

South Alabama at Louisiana Tech 7:00 pm ESPN3

This is one of the better games on the schedule at this time and USA has actually sucked badly so far this year.

Troy at (25) LSU 7:00 pm ESPNU

Maybe Derrius Guice will do something to make this interesting but I wouldn’t count on it.

(11) Ohio State at Rutgers 7:30 pm BTN

If Ohio State really tries for 80 this is worth watching but otherwise it’s just more detritus.

South Carolina at Texas A&M 7:30 pm SECN

aTm has two potential first round talents in Christian Kirk (fading) and Trayveon Williams (only a sophomore) and a head coach who built his rep in the first place as a great offensive mind. Sakerlina has a supposed defensive wizard at head coach and a bunch of early round talent all over the roster. When you say it like that this seems like a fun game but nope. I’ve got no interest in it.

(2) Clemson at (12) Virginia Tech 8:00 pm ABC

Now this looks like a real deal great game to me. Both teams have freshman QBs and I think VPISU’s Josh Jackson is actually the better of the two but he can be that and it still might not matter in this particular game. This is not an easy win for Clemson and should actually be a better game than Clemson’s last “big test.” The Hokies are much better on defense than Louisville and they might be able to get off a few deep burns on Clemson’s secondary.

(15) Oklahoma State at Texas Tech 8:00 pm FOX

If Clemson makes me a liar and just stomps over Virginia Tech then you can check in here for what is sure to be a 79-63 kind of a game with over 1,000 yards of combined passing.

(6) Washington at Oregon State 8:00 pm Pac-12N

Every week I get to Oregon State against whoever and just laugh to myself that this fucking guy left the head coaching job at Wisconsin to become the guy at Oregon State and every single week they look worse than they did the previous week. UDub should have this one sealed up before the start of the second quarter.

University of Mississippi, Oxford at (1) Alabama 9:00 pm ESPN

On the one hand Shea Patterson is extremely talented and 27 points is a huge line for a conference game. On the other hand Mississippi got worn the fuck out by the Antifa Bears who don’t even have a real roster put together yet and Alabama could sleep walk to a 30 point lead here. It’s just a matter of how much Alabama wants to stomp them out. All of that recent history of upsets and close games is history, this is not going to be close.

Nevada at Fresno State 10:00 pm ATTSNRM

Fuck yes, this is West Coast trash and I love it. Neither of these teams is particularly good (I mean like any good at all) so this might not be watchable but I sometimes get into this sort of thing.

California at Oregon 10:30 pm FS1

It’s not time for either of them to have a national following yet but I like where both of these programs are headed. Cal having a decent defense overnight seems like a road map to an exploitable market inefficiency in college football.

Colorado at UCLA 10:30 pm ESPN2

Seeing them side by side like this makes me realize that Colorado already exploited that inefficiency that the Antifas are moving towards and started from even farther back in the pack. I just thought of this comp for Josh Rosen and now I’m buying into it: Russell Wilson. He’s obviously much taller than Wilson but the pluses and minuses to their games overlap a lot. Rosen won’t have a 5th year in a new uniform to broaden the scope of his game so he’s probably looking at one year or more as a redshirt in the NFL to put things together but I think I’m onto something here.

NIU at (19) San Diego State 10:30 pm CBSSN

I ran out of space and felt like I already had enough running backs on the RTARLsman list but Rashaad Penny is definitely still one of my guys. I’ll check in on this one if I can but it should be a pretty big win for SDSU. That came out weird, I love terrible late night blowouts but I don’t want to misrepresent what it is I actually want from this game.

San Jose State at UNLV 10:30 pm ESPNU

I kind of wish it hadn’t occurred to me how odd it is for UNLV to be named Rebels because that’s all I think about for them now. This game is a pretty strong contender for worst teams to play each other in 2017, if you’re wondering about that side of things.

Colorado State at Hawaii 11:59 pm MWN/Spectrum PPV

This is a beautiful terrible game. I want so badly to watch but it could really lead to a divorce. I’m sure this holds true in some form for almost everybody reading this. If anybody reads this part. Mountain West Network can’t have a subscriber base larger than like 100,000 households can it?

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