#travis & mikayla: warpainte.

[lovekindled]

how long has it been since you’ve slept ? for travis

“ what do you care? ” underlaying, seething resentment was the only way he'd been able to communicate with others lately. his brother's death had brought forth a regression of sorts, softened edges throughout the months now back to being as sharp as they were when the plane crashed. it didn't help that they were back to square one, the cabin burnt to the ground alongside every foundation they built. despite the detriment of losing their only shelter, having his thoughts occupied with the survival of the team was the only thing helping him keep his sanity. this is what javi would've wanted, he reluctantly reminds himself. the wilderness will help us as long as we give it what it wants. “ it's not like there's much time to sleep. unless you want to freeze to death? ” travis doesn't wait for an answer, already turning around in the opposite direction, continuing his search for wood, wanting to put as much distance between himself and the girls as possible. he can barely look them in the eye most times, but their sight is not as wretched as his own reflection, distorted and unrecognizable whenever he's able to catch a glimpse in the icy water. how could anyone sleep carrying that sort of guilt around?

⁽  ⠀  ♡  ⠀  ⁾ ⠀  morbid curiosity   ,   accepting.

[doomdays]

@warpainte / travis has kept his distance from everyone for days;   he doesn’t know how to talk to anyone,   doesn’t know how to look anyone in the eye,   and he’s not sure he can ever stomach it again.    there is one person that he keeps thinking about,  though—-   one person he feels he owes something to,  even if he’s not sure what.   he holds so much resentment for himself for not being able to connect with his brother before,   not even after he returned from months lost in the wilderness,   but when travis was suddenly thrust into some kind of parenthood;   their mother was left behind,   their father died in front of them,   and it was up to him to take care of his brother.    he failed,   over and over,   too afraid to be too much like their father and too mournful to know what his mother would do for his little brother.   instead,   he took so much of his anger out on his brother,  barely gave him the love he deserved   (  at least, that’s all he can think now, no matter how skewed his own perspective has become ever since he last saw javi.  )  

she did better with him.   there’s some irony in that —- mikayla is the kind of girl travis was terrified to talk to back at school,   always assuming that even being in her line of sight may just make him subject to ridicule of some sort   (  perhaps that was just natural for him,  always assuming everyone was thinking the worst,  because most of the time,  they were.  )   and yet,  javi clearly found some kind of comfort in her,   some kind of hope that travis couldn’t do for him,   because he never had the answers.   he could have done more,   something he thought every day when he didn’t know where he was,   and something that weighs heavily on him now,   but while he felt some sense of jealousy with mikayla when he saw that javi was starting to open up to her and not him,   that’s faded now,   replaced with a certain level of respect he’s been wanting to express to her—-  even if he still doesn’t know how.

but maybe that’s what his brother would want — for the two of them to find some common ground,  be here for each other now that they’ve both lost him.   javi cared about mikayla,  so travis does,  too.

he moves to stand next to her,   keeping a distance for his own comfort,   yet still closer than he’s really allowed himself to be to anyone but nat since.   his mouth opens to speak,  but it quickly closes again,   because he’s not sure what she to say.   and even though he hasn’t heard his brother’s voice in months,  something urges him to believe that maybe he would know the right thing to say,   even if just to lift her spirits.    he clears his throat after a moment,  and without looking at her,   he finally allows himself to speak about his brother for the first time since he saw him last.     ❝  he liked you,  ❞     he mutters under his breath,   each word cracked,   barely sounding like himself —- and he wants to leave it at that,   because all he sees when he closes his eyes is the last hopeful smile he ever saw from his brother,   and it was for mikayla,   so he can’t let himself.    ❝  i saw . . . you were looking out for him. ❞ it's his way of saying 'thank you,' because he can't find the words, so it's the best he can do.

[ladyintree]

there's an elephant in the room now that a new ritual has been started, and she can't stop wondering if @warpainte is thinking the same thing: someday, it might be one of them to pull the card. tai doesn't want to address it, she doesn't want to have to talk about it or face it, but she's the one who insisted they need to find a way, so she has to be ready for whenever that day comes --- if it comes.

they've secured themselves away from the others, inside the plane that is not the same sanctuary as the attic was, but it works for now. at least she can still have her close, at least she's still here at all. ❝  travis could've gotten himself killed, ❞ she mumbles quietly, refusing to look at her because she knows mikayla won't want to hear what she has to say. ❝  don't do that. if it's me. ❞ it's hypocritical, because she knows that if it were ever mikayla, she'd be following travis's lead regardless of all rationality, but if she's ever going to die, she needs to know mikayla will be safe. that's what's most important now. ❝  promise me you won't do anything stupid. ❞

[ladyintree]

they made a choice, and now they have to live with it. it's what they didn't do that will likely haunt them forever, but tai's thinking rationally enough to know that it was the right choice. they had to do something to keep themselves alive, and tai was ready to own it, knowing someone had to be a sacrifice  — even if it was someone she loved. even if it was @warpainte ( though she could stand in that circle, telling herself she could commit to it, even if it was her, but even she knows that she would have done the same thing travis did, not letting anyone touch mikayla, even shauna. )

she doesn't know what to do with her grief now. she barely knew javi, but she felt responsible for him in some way, because against all odds, she was the one to bring him home, and yet that did nothing to really save him. maybe he was better off out there, maybe she ruined this for him, sealed his fate, and he'd still be alive if she hadn't found him. but selfishly, for mikayla, it's hard to regret bringing him here, because for whatever reason, he did something for mikayla, made her feel comfortable, softer, sweet in a way that tai knew personally yet was still different with him, and even though he's gone now, tai's glad mikayla had that, even for a moment, even if tai didn't understand it entirely.

she wishes things were different, that they didn't just watch a kid die for their own survival, but selfishly, she can't shake that maybe they're all better off, even him, because none of them should have to live with what they do from here on out, especially him. she knew what it meant when she watched him go down; it meant that nat could live, that mikayla's childhood friend could be spared this time, that tai's friend could live another day, that shauna wouldn't have to spill blood from hers. but it also meant that they watched innocence die, just like their own, and tai couldn't let herself dwell on that. the only way through it was to move on, to keep doing what they all set out to do. to live. but as much as tai wants to rid herself of all emotion in order just to get through it, she has to look out for mikayla, first. she hasn't done a good job of that lately, so as much as she wishes not to speak of this at all, mikayla's feelings on it are all more important.

they can still hear travis's sobs through the walls of the cabin, and tai's jaw clenches as she tries to block it out, eyes darting around until they land on her. she takes a deep breath, making her way to her, one hand moving to rest on her shoulder, the other brushing through her hair as she urges her to look at her. it's the first chance they've really gotten to just be with each other since before they gathered in a circle, before they prepared to potentially say goodbye to each other for good, before mikayla had to watch her lifelong friend get a knife to her throat, before she had to watch the latest friend she made die. tai doesn't know what to say at a time like this, she just knows mikayla well enough to know that she needs her.  ❝  sit with me, ❞ she whispers, bringing her head in closer to press a long kiss to the top of her head before she pulls back, tugging her over to the chair to sit.

she's scared, feeling the weight of everything they've done in the last day finally hit her, knowing that looking to mikayla for a moment of peace like she normally does isn't going to cut it this time, but she forces herself to go on.  ❝  are you — ❞ okay....? she doesn't finish, because she knows the answer, her head shaking herself off.  ❝  baby, i'm so sorry, ❞ she says instead, her words trembling as she wraps her arms around her, pulling her in close to her.