#traumatized people with mental health issues have struggles. caleb is... neurodivergent coded.

[grimmons]

Now that it's said, done, and over, I'm extremely satisfied with the ending that we got for the M9. I know people who are distressed and upset and uncomfortable with the ending that Essek and Caleb got, but to me? It reads like people just. Don't understand how intimate these characters are with each other.

My thoughts will be under the cut and finished off in tags. It's a long one, boys.

cws and tws // critical role spoilers for ep 141, shadowgast mentions, queerbaiting references, mentions of abuse (multiple kinds) and trauma.

The casual intimacy in and out of fights, declarations of devotion, wanting to spend most of Caleb's lifetime with Essek...

Essek willing to drop the idea of his lifelong dream, because he had met Caleb, and Caleb changed him for the better.

Caleb sharing a very, very personal and horrible and traumatizing memory, and a dream that he's wanted for years, to undo his mistakes, to save them. Essek immediately offering his help and willingness for assistance, because even though he refuses the ability to time travel for both consequences unknown, and the ability to be with Caleb in the now, he would drop anything to allow his friend, his student, his partner, to have a happy and fufilling life.

Caleb denying the offer in a silence, and disintegrating everything, the only thing that could have offered him a comfort of the past, to show that he's moved forwards, and Essek acknowledging it quietly.

The big Shadowgast moments? They're THERE. Not everyone is as loud with their intimacy and affection and care and love. Not every couple is for the big kisses, the loud confessions, declarations. Both Caleb and Essek are guarded, careful individuals.

And I know, I know, the friendship word. It's horrible, it's pride month, Liam keeps cutting off mlm representation with his characters, it's baiting, whatever. Say what you will say. But friendship does not, and has never, been an exclusive descriptor.

My wife might be one of the best friends I've ever had. I refer to her as my wife, but also my friend, and we may be life partners, but that doesn't stop me from trusting her with my life as both. And trust me, we ARE the loud romantic types.

Caleb has been through worlds of trauma and hurt, through friends, love, and sex alike. We all know this.

Essek is filled with paranoia and fear, any wrong move and he's on the chopping block where Trent could have been.

Caleb is a teacher at Soltryce Academy, a man offered a spot on the Assembly, a counsellor of a child and a hero as part of the Mighty Nein.

Essek is a war criminal, who is wanted for many crimes, known for betrayal of the Dynasty, and I can only imagine much worse.

Do you think Essek, so willing to sacrifice himself, so willing to drop everything for Caleb, would want to incriminate that name by his presence? Speak up? Say something?

Caleb has been the one to initiate almost every moment between them. The forehead kisses, touches, cheek kiss. All of that was Caleb. Essek never acts upon impulse regarding Caleb unless it is DIRE, and he feels active danger coming to harm Widogast.

Essek would know. Run all of the possible outcomes through his head. That was his entire life's work, remember? The endless possibilities? He would have run every bad ending over and over, Caleb being hurt, being hunted, blamed, defamed, ruined. Because of him. Being near him. Why would he ruin this for Caleb? He has a lifespan far, far shorter than Essek. Maybe 70 or so years left, which feels like but a speck to that of an elf. Why would he want Caleb to suffer MORE, in the short amount of time he has left with him?

He wouldn't!

But I don't think Caleb would agree either. He wouldn't give up, this was discussed too. He doesn't admit defeat easily. He would keep trying, I think. Stay with him. And there would be an unspoken love between them, I think. Knowing, acknowledging, hurting. Knowing that being together means absolute hell for the two of them, with Essek hiding, and Caleb's life expanding. Essek has too many personas at risk, and Caleb has a future ahead of him. Essek has an eternity, to Caleb.

And I know, a spell could have fixed it all. Essek could have changed himself to fit better with Caleb. He would get a free pass. But that's not the point! Essek wants to be able to live with his sins and free himself at his own pace. Caleb would have been willing, but they had a whole discussion about how they wouldn't change anything - past or future. About moving forward. Essek wouldn't just.. take a free pass out. Not after that.

I think it was fitting for them. Life partners, unspoken but known. Friends. Romantically or not, they loved each other in some way, made for each other. Saved each other, literally and metaphorically. Maybe they tried, but it wasn't meant to be.

Romance is... nice. Vagueness is horrid, and has a deep history of discomfort in the LGBT community. Especially when in line with being "friends." But in my opinion, there's no hiding that Essek and Caleb were intimate, and cared deeply for each other. They were by no means just friends. And I think both Liam and Matt know that, and I think they chose the perfect way to end it. I respect them and it.

And hey, even if they never became romantic, platonic relationships are important! Queerplatonic ones, too! It may not be the perfect wizard romance we wanted, or proper representation to those (rightfully, I feel) upset, but it doesn't make that form of love any less real or valid. I say this as an mlm person who desires representation of myself. I know I don't speak for us all, but my personal view is this.

We may be angry, or upset, or confused, or in grief. Representation does matter, and I completely agree! But ultimately, it is not our story to write, our characters to bend, or anything more. We can't will Liam into doing something he thinks does not fit the moment or character. Parasocial relationships need to meet a stopping point, for the player and the character.

And remember, most of Caleb's love life is... actually revealed by Liam out of game! The Jester crush, his attraction to Essek at all, Blumentrio. Caleb is just not open about it.

And to that, I say a final note of thank you, to the Mighty Nein. Long may you all reign. Don't forget to love each other.