#transcribing this in the kitchen as i help cook dinner and desperately dodging the eyes around me

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[Image descriptions in order: a meme of a dog with long caramel and white coloured fur being hit with a large blast of air, so that its fur is blown back and its eyes are scrunched by the force. The text reads "Bad Sex Awards wasnt lying, that Sex scene can Bad.]

[An excerpt from a sex scene. It says "He looks long and lovingly at my wet vagina, saying 'a flower, a jungle flower,' as he caresses one lip and then the other, tweaks my clitoris with his tongue, and lifts his head to declaim rapturously: 'Someday I will paint this jungle flower, this Venus mantrap, but first I will subdue it.' And he plunges into me with his iron stalk, touching my womb again and again until I weep tears of joy. He cannot stop until he has made me come three times and I am quivering from my thighs to my toes and I plead for a rest, a breather, saying, 'Come, come, my love.' At last he ejaculates, shuddering and growling, making the noises of a seal baying at the Arctic moon.

'My slippery seal,' I say, 'my salty sweetheart, my kingdom of the three slipperies.'"]

[A comment by I0ve-for-mutts which says "I don't think this writer knows how a woman's body works".]

[The rest are excerpts from the bad sex awards. They say: the mound of her sex ... was disproportionately - but beautifully - high and rounded, overgrown with a luxuriant mop of long black pubic hair, not crinkly at all, but soft and feathery; and the vulva itself... was of unusual plumpness, almost spherical, like a large exotic mushroom in the fork of a tree, a little pleasure dome if ever I've seen one, where Alph the sacred river ran down to a tideless sea. No, not tideless. Her tides were convulsive, an ebb and flow that could take you very far, far back, before hurling you out, wildly and triumphantly, on a ribbed and windswept beach without end.]

[Her vulva was opposite my face. The small lips protruded slightly from the pale, domed flesh. This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon's head, like a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. Little by little this silent gaze penetrated me to the marrow. My breath sped up and I stretched out my hand to hide it: I no longer saw it, but it still saw me and stripped me bare (whereas I was already naked). If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my prick like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. [...] I came in an immense splash of white light, as she cried out: 'What are you doing, what are you doing?' and I laughed out loud, sperm still gushing in huge spurts from my penis, jubilant, I bit deep into her vulva to swallow it whole, and my eyes finally opened, cleared, and saw everything.]

[oh the sheer ecstasy of lips and tongues on genitals, either simultaneously or in alternation, never will I tire of that silvery fluidity, my sex swimming in joy like a fish in water, my self freed of both self and other, the quivering sensation, the carnal pink palpitation that detaches you from all colour and all flesh, making you see only stars, constellations, milky ways, propelling you bodiless and soulless into undulating space where the undulating skies make your non-body undulate.]

[the flood in her loins washed morals, despair, and all other abstract assessments away in a cloud of some sort of divine cologne of his. Now his big generative jockey was inside her pelvic saddle, riding, riding, riding, and she was eagerly swallowing it swallowing it swallowing it with the saddle's own lips and maw - all this without a word. But then he began moaning.]

[He buried his face into Hannah's c**t like a wanderer who'd found water in the desert. She tasted like a hot biscuit flavoured with pee. She grabbed his scruff and pulled his face to hers. They kissed, and she took his cock - it felt as thick as a Louisville Slugger - and guided him in. When he exploded - and he exploded quickly - he felt - as if his heart had liquefied and then been shot out of him up through her vagina and uterus and her ovaries and up over her diaphragm and somehow down the vena cavity to her heart, his own now coating hers.]

[Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone.]

I’m reading bad sex awards finalists across the years