#trans sam agenda reigns supreme

[fallouttboy]

i feel bad just having one post for trans sam supernatural soooo.

he figures out he’s not a girl when he’s around 13. he knew for a while, how he didn’t identify with the other girls his age (as come and go as they came, what with moving all the time) and he didn’t identify with whatever john was putting onto him, he wasn’t a girl. he wasn’t john’s daughter or dean’s sister.

so he starts going by sam instead of samantha. it’s what dean’s always called him, ever since he was a little kid. it always made him warm on the inside, getting called the nickname made him feel loved in a world where he was so desperately trying to be, at the very least, noticed.

john didn’t take it well, but then again no one expected him to. it took dean a little bit, getting used to having a brother and not a sister anymore. after a few months he warmed up real fast, making sure to always remind sam how badass of a brother he is. dean didn’t really fully get it until they were much much older, living in hotels and sharing clothes as adults. he didn’t quite get what it meant for sam to be Sam, brother, son, boy. because that’s all dean’s ever been, he’s just been A Guy, that’s what his life has been. he didn’t grasp the implications and intricacies that went into sam’s transition, both physically and emotionally/mentally. he loved hearing sam talk about it though (most of the time, he did want to throttle the kid more than a handful of times. sleeping in a chevy car together for a majority of your lives will do that to a guy).

my personal headcanon is that sam’s top surgery is actually from dean. so “surgery” is a bit of a stretch, it’s more akin to a fourth grader using normal scissors instead of safety ones. the scars are jagged, angry red lines where fullness used to be. they’re not pretty, they look like a botch job by a drunk doctor, but that’s also kinda what makes sam love it. they could never afford actual healthcare, let alone a proper hospital visit. their idea of high class medicine is name brand cough syrup from a grocery store instead of store brand from a gas station. he’s given dean stitches with dental floss and a sewing needle, he’s put his foot in the snow and sat outside bundled in more cotton than is necessary when he sprained his own foot on a jog as an adult. this is the norm.

and so when dean came home a little while after john, showing up with a vicious grin and hands behind his back, sam knew something was up. they’d just raided a dentists office run by vampires (ironic, right) and dean snuck back in, grabbed a tank of the laughing gas and a few tubes of numbing cream and a mask, and hooked sam up. it was stupid, incredibly dangerous, very very bad idea and sam would never, ever recommend this to anyone, ever, literally in the whole of time forever and ever. do not let your 18 year old brother gas you up and chop your tits off. but once the cream was all over (literally, completely all over, down to the waist of sam’s jeans), it felt so fucking weird to not have a chest. he was gassed up and couldn’t feel his chest, but when he woke up, he was bandaged in a shit load of gauze and flat chested. he hurt, like a bitch, a real fucking bitch, but he was Sam now, he was a boy.

luckily, john decided that was the time for him to fuck off and fight some demon or something, leaving the brothers at a motel in des moines. sam got to lay in bed for weeks, watching shitty motel cable and making dean be his personal assistant. after a long while, dean was the one to cut the bandages off, sam was too afraid to look. “holy shit, i didn’t do bad!” “what, really? how do i look?” “like my brother, man.”