#trūama

[rattsietottsie]

My truama has made me the worst girlfriend and lover.

I grew up with betrayal after betrayal.

Always unwanted.

An annoying fat weirdo.

I was subjected to all kinds of psychological abuse such as manipulating family members against eachother, calling me every name under the sun, making me more and more self concious and.. so I isolated myself.

I stayed in my room as much as possible.

In addition to what my mother did, my father would try his damnest to break me down. Day after day.

Everyone around seemed to want nothing more than to strike fear in my heart and push me around..

The physical abuse... most of it I can't remember. My mom beat the shit out of us. I remember standing in the corner for hours while she watched HGTV.

I still can't stand that channel.

She even made me kneel on rice.

My most vivid childhood memory is of my mom choking my older sister and me trying to pull her of by her hair. Both yelled at me to get away, mom with rage and my sister through tears.

My stepmom also psychologically tortured me. Made me feel guilty and made fun of me for crying when they said the meanest shit to me. I couldn't even branch out and make friends because she wanted ALL of the info on anyone I wanted to hang out with and.. I decided it was better to be alone. She publically humiliated me..

And worst of all, my dad tried to get in my pants three times and none of them believed me. 'Im not so sure you didn't just mis inturpret'

HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO MISINTURPRET THIS:

I was in the basement. I was never comfortable being there but... Even underage if I hung out with them, I could smoke and drink.

I was just about out of it and he walked over and sat himself right next to me. Started feeling my thighs and trying to rub me through my pants.

I finally got the guts to stand up and run off when he tried to push his hand in my underwear.

I hate this world so much sometimes. I'm sick of being trampled over.. but I'm powerless. Can't even hold a job. My anxiety gets me every time. I do my best. I break down. I do my best. I break down.

Nothings ever okay.

And.. now.. I've met a nice guy.. and.. all he wants to do is enjoy life but I can do nothing but bring him down with my trust and abandonment issues.

Often when I break down, I can't think past how bad it hurts. Physically. And it's so hard to pull out of.. I beg him for support. "Please make sure I can contact you if it gets too bad"

He just wants to live his life and I struggle so much when he's away.

He has such a basic good life.. I don't think I belong. He has a nice group of friends ill never want to see or be apart of.. I'm just too anxious. People have been talking behind my back for so long.. That's why.. I really prefer 1x1 friendships. Full attention on eachother..

Only.. often.. I don't want friends. I'm too depressed. I just want to curl up with him and he just wants to play video games and fake christian to go on 'retreats' paid for by his friends rich aunt.

Its so hard every time he goes. My stress climbs quickly feeling like he's abandoned me even if logically after a year I shoukd think he'll stay.

Occasionally.. ill go on a tangent. I.. don't believe anything I say and I have little control of the rush in my head of terrible thoughts and.. he doesn't deserve it. He shouldn't put up with me.

"I'm better off alone."

A bold faced lie I tell him when my flight reaponse kicks in. The truth is... I need to be cared for. I can not get myself through all this alone. Some days I'm just so ready to dïe.

I need to hold out... I need to try harder. He's promised me the moon and the sun and I can't deny he wants to.. I can't. My anxiety can.

I get so cold sometimes. I can't feel his warmth. He tries and he tries. Just.. to start over with me again the next day. Nothings sticking in my head. All I can think is.. everyone in my life is going to hurt and leave me..

And.. that leads to me pushing people away. Intentional or not. I keep telling him to break up with me. Just go if he can't be there for me.. and I know that's not right.. i love him. He shows so much love and yet my heart is still walled in.

I have a feeling.. even if.. he gives me all the love and care in the world.. I'll never really be okay. I've been scarred by everyone around me.

I've tried so hard to get some help or care over the years.. even told a teacher what was going on. Nothing came of it.

A girl I didn't know at school in 8th grade (fuck 8th graders) told me, 'why dont you go home and get mølested some more'

I've just been so needlessly hurt that.. I can't imagine it'll ever change.

I'll keep trying till.. either my will or my body gives out.

And.. I.. really hope.. he won't get fed up. He really is trying.. and I'm just.. good for nothing.

I don't deserve anything.

Not a single thing.

Not the clothes on my back.