#totally true dwarf fortress stuff

[wholesomemorbid]

The Tale of Cerol, a Dorf Bard

A 100% true story from a game of Dwarf Fortress I was playing yesterday.

Panel 1: "THIS IS CEROL, A DORF BARD." He is a cute dwarf wearing a cave spider silk shirt and holding a guitar.

Panel 2: "Cerol came to the Vale of Immortals to entertain! Cerol likes blue peacocks, good wine, and waterfalls." Cerol frolics past a watchful peacock, his beautiful beard flying.

Panel 3: "AND STEALING." Cerol looks evil suddenly!

Panel 4: "The captain's guard often saw Cerol admiring Erysneth, a yak bone scepter." With shadowy guards in the foreground, Cerol gazes adoringly at a scepter on a pedestal.

Panel 5: "Cerol was not subtle." Suddenly, the scepter and Cerol are gone! The guards are surprised!

Panel 6: "The sheriff and hammerer didn't reach Cerol before he traded it to a traveler." Cerol has been beaten to a broken pulp on the ground while the lawdorfs glare at him. Cerol must have no regrets because he's giving the thumbs-up.

Panel 7: "It was weeks in the hospital before Cerol walked again." He's in the hospital bed, patched up, resting, and giving a thumbs-up. Still.

Panel 8: "The count of the Vale put his fav crown on display. Creusisingar." Those shadowy foreground guys are watching the pedestal again, now with a crown.

Panel 9: "Luckily Cerol learned his lesson..." Cerol approaches the crown, still using a crutch to walk.

Panel 10: "Right?" The pedestal is empty and Cerol is gone again!!!!

Panel 11: "Everyone saw Cerol carry it to his room." He obviously doesn't need the crutch THAT badly, he's running along with the crown in his arms.

Panel 12: "Everyone saw the count replace his crown with Cerol." A pile of bones are unceremoniously piled upon the pedestal from whence Cerol stole things. RIP Cerol.

If this ridiculous comic made you blow air through your nose, please follow me. One heart = one moment an artist forgets deep existential despair in a moment of shallow joy

[meatball-headache]

They said "don't get attached to your first dozen" characters, and boy howdy, that was an understatement. I've fed I don't know how many to the jungles of Qud, and now I'm not creating characters with interesting builds and carefully-planned stats, I'm just hitting random, because it's at least as good as me when it comes to preparing to roam the salt marshes :p

So this is Urdru, a True Kin Child of the... something. Hearth, I think. I don't know. He's doing well! Well, he got past Red Rock, so that's officiall Making Progress—he's the first True Kin I ever had that got that far. Really, I've only ever had one character get past Grit Gate and only two that got to Grit Gate. You know me, I get distracted searching for Dessicatedicus Molluskfriend, and returning books to the library all the time...

I am totally into this game. This has to be my game of the year. I know, it's a late introduction, and the competition's been pretty thin, but I'm just completely captivated by this game. I've played Dwarf Fortress and ADOM and stuff a little bit, but not in any depth. Not for more than an afternoon, anyway—they were too hard to understand, in terms of how to play or what I was looking at, and too hard to make progress, and a younger Meatball had no patience for something like that. These days, I'm much more okay with just hitting RNG and letting an emergent story tell me how I die. Will I ever get good at the game? I don't know, did I ever get good at Bloodborne, or did I just bullheadedly plow my way through and get the Platinum anyway?

But, I mean, it's not just the steep challenge. It's just, this game's particular style rubs me the right way. Mutants and cybernetics were never really my thing, honestly—although when you've got a copper sword and leather armor and you're up against a battery of laser turrets surrounding an electronic keycard, now I'm interested. But it's more than just that level of the theme. It's something in the writing, and how the dynamically-generated scenarios are completely ludicrous, but the atmosphere of the writing and music compel you to take it seriously. You go five layers deep in a dungeon, dealing with exploding flowers and machine guns the whole way, and you find a statue that reveals some secret history: that Sultan Quradesh went to the town of Poisonedwasteland and bought a bejewelled dagger that he named Bejewelledicus Poisonedwastelandgift. And then he lost in in a bar bet and fled the town. ("Quest accepted: 'Find Bejewelledicus Poisonedwastelandgift'!") And the game is asking you to nod sagely and accept this as deep, serious lore, and there's something captivating about that.

I dunno. I'm flattering myself, but, it kind of reminds me of my own writing. The only voice I could be comfortable writing in has this... completely off-the-wall word-salad pile of mumbo jumbo going on, but, I'm not trying to write it to be funny, I'm trying to write it with the same sense of awe and grandeur that Tolkien used to list the trees the hobbits walked past. Some kind of "glorious stupidity," or something. I don't know.

...and that reminds me of the date. Tomorrow's a whole new year, and that traditionally calls for Resolutions. I haven't made any Resolutions, capital R, in a while, having decided that the whole thing was pointless, and life's too short to stress yourself out over. And yet, here I am, a million years old and how many books have I wroten? Either two or five—sort of—but who's seen 'em or cares? Where's my Wikipedia article? What's my tombstone gonna say but some dates? It's disappointing. I need to crack the whip some more, and get myself moving.

So, my New Year's Resolution is: writing every day. The only way I can function is doing a whole chapter at once. One chapter has to be written in one sitting, and one day's writing is one chapter. Now, we can see how this will lead to burnout, so, I'm not putting a word count on it. I just want to pin down an A and Z so I know what happens in a given chapter—what the point of writing it is. And, I'm not just going to churn out word count constantly. Going back and editing yesterday's, last week's, last year's chapter totally counts. I just want to keep working, and keep moving forward.

Also, so I can tell what I did all year (what happened in 2024 other than Dawntrail?) I'm going to return to my personal journal. So I can spare you from my rambling thoughts like this :p But, mainly it's just to bullet-point what I've been reading, writing, and playing lately.

...but, that's an adventure for tomorrow. For now, I have to see how Urdru dies :p

[punkrockgenasiashton]

Critical Role Campaign 1 Ep1-27 Recap

So, a friend of mine recently got into Critical Role and after talking to her about the absolute dumpster fire that is Orion Acaba she found herself unable/uncomfortable watching/listening to episodes with him in it and asked me what happened through the Underdark arc because I told her Orion aside I liked it a lot. So I started writing. And kept writing. And kept writing. And basically below the cut is a pretty in depth recap of everything that happens before Orion leaves the show for anyone who is curious/or have friends who you want to have a more complete Critical Role experience when getting them into Campaign 1

For easy future reference:

Vox Machina=VM=The Party

Vax= Half Elf Rogue

Vex= Half Elf Ranger

Percy= Human Gunslinger

Grog= Goliath Barbarian

Scanlan= Gnome Bard

Keyleth= Half Elf Druid

Pike= Gnome Cleric

Tiberius= Dragonborn Sorcerer There might be some color/opinions, but here we go:

Okay, so. The adventures of Vox Machina as we know them start in the city of Kraghammer, a city of dwarves in the northwest area of the country of Taldorie beneath the Cliffkeep Mountains. Kraghammer is a pretty reclusive city, wary of non-dwarves, who are disallowed from entering the city except for official business with the Greyspine Quarry, one of the most prolific mines in Exandria (the world), so as they arrive Vox Machina stick out like sore thumbs. Their mission is to find Lady Kima of Vord, a well known paladin and close friend of Allura Visoren, an  arcanist the party is close to. Kima had gone missing in the Greyspine Mine beneath Kraghammer. After some investigations, the party learned that a whole mess of 'stitch monsters' have been attacking the mines from deeper beneath, and after killing one (a Naga with 2 extra Naga heads stapled on that Scanlan blows up with cock lightening) with the owner of the Greyspine Mines watching  they were granted access to investigate the mines and beneath proper.

The party then stumbles through and finds a small goblin camp/city that had been razed and they find goblins that have had their brains sucked out through a round hole in their head. They then meet my personal favorite NPC maybe ever, Clarota, a feral illithid who had been cut off from his hive because of his ability to use magic (huge taboo in Mindflayer society, apparently). They agree to help Clarota and Clarota agrees to help them to defeat the bbeg who has taken up residence in Clarota's city (Yog Voriel), an entity named K'Varn.

The party then go through a Duargar (Dark Dwarf) War Camp where Vax one shots an illithid using a combination of expert sneaking and goblin shit and they interrogate a duargar general. The  General tells them Kima is being held in the City of Emberhold, the duargar stronghold deeper within the Underdark. At the center of the city is Fortress Emberhold, defended by a magma drip that pours magma over the top of it in such a way that the only way in is through the front door or a secret exit on the left side of the fortress. VM finds a way to open said secret exit, and find Kima being tortured in the dungeons. Kima is grateful for the rescue but is immediately wary that they're working with an Illithid. The party then debates whether they should trust the lawful good paladin and best friend of their ally or the chaotic evil feral illithid, but eventually talk Kima into just letting Clarota hang around until they deal with K’varn.

The party then decide to take out the nobles of Emberhold because it’s become clear that the Illithid and Duargar (who historically hate each other) are working together under this K’Varn and anyone who works with them is a threat. During the battle they kill the Durgar King but the Queen charms Grog and escapes, blowing the ceiling, attempting to burn VM alive in magma. The party just escape, Vax losing most of his foot to the lava.

Keyleth and Kima have a very serious argument about whether it’s the party’s place at all to be involved down here. Keyleth pointing out that A. they’ve murdered a lot of potentially mind controlled people and lost Grog in their attempts to rescue Kima and B. before they’d entered the underdark they’d never heard of K’Varn so who are they to be inserting themselves in the conflict? Kima arguing that K’Varn has a power that will allow them to take the surface over and it’s their responsibility to stop them and take that power away from an obviously evil creature. The party eventually agrees with Kima’s argument that even if it wasn’t their place before it is their responsibility to stop K’Varn.

The party track down the Durgar queen, regain Grog, and while Vex is interrogating the queen the queen’s mind is taken over by K’Varn who taunts the party, inviting them to the temple he has taken residence in,  before killing her. The party then moves further into the underdark, through a sea of bone that tries to eat anyone who touches it, where they do battle with another stitch monster, this time an impossibly fast elf with tentacles for arms and legs. They then finally reach the Illithid city of Yog Voriel, an ancient ruin they’d taken over within a fungal forest surrounded by a giant lake. Investigating the lake the party finds a shipwreck Percy and Tiberius repair and go sailing around the island looking for a potential back entrance to K’Varn’s temple. They find some caves, investigate, get chased by a cloaker (giant bat) on the water.

They decide to take a rest on the shores to the north of Yog Voriel where Keyleth decides to attempt to scry on K’Varn, to find out where in the tempe they are and to finally find out what they are. The scrying reveals that K’Varn is a beholder with a strange horn attached to their head. After some discussion it’s worked out that the horn is one of two “Horns of Orcus” Orcus, an evil god of undeath, his horns make the holder/wearer a somewhat avatar of Orcus himself, crazy but also incredibly strong with necrotic power.

The following morning the party sail to the island Yog Voriel is on and find a formorian (an evil giant) and mind control him. Then, after a lot of planning, and a lot of bullshit by Tiberius because Orion metagamed a ton (the party in character had never heard of a beholder but Tiberius openly refused to set foot in the temple because Orion knows that Beholders lairs are dangerous as fuck), the party decides to drop the mind controlled giant from the top of the cavern through the glass ceiling of the temple, destroying a device that kept the Illithid under K’Varn’s power by trapping the Illithid hive’s Elder Brain.

Fight ensues, Tiberius true to his word doesn’t enter the temple and doesn’t help with the fight at all, Vex gets the final kill on Living K’Varn. During the fight K’Varn used a petrify ray to turn Kima into stone.Then, using the Horn, K’Varn rises as a zombie beholder. Tiberius gets the final kill on Zombie K’Varn. Claorota double crosses the party, and the Illithid attack Vox Machina as they escape using a teleportation circle that takes them back to their home city of Emon.

VM returns to Emon late at night and decides to go on a bar crawl with their stone Kima. (It should be noted here, in case you’re concerned, over the past couple days, using some really high rolls and homebrewing, Pike has been slowly healing/regrowing Vax’s foot and finally finishes doing it after about 5 days in game when they get back to Emon). After some debating the party decides while it’s not necessarily prudent, it’s necessary to inform the rest of the council of Emon as well as Emperor Uriel Taldorei himself about the Horn of Orcus they plucked from the dead K’Varn. After that discussion they unstone Kima.

Before the meeting starts Emperor Uriel asks a messanger to make sure a Lord and Lady Briarwood are made to know about something trivial. The mention of the Briarwoods sends Percy into what looks like a silent panic attack that everyone else misses.  During the meeting, it’s decided that the Horn is unsafe in Emon and Emon is unsafe as long as it’s there and that it should be brought across the sea to the West to the city of Vasselheim. Vasselheim is basically the Vatican, Mecca, Jerusalem, and Mahabodhi all rolled into one. It is the high religious city of every major good and lawful god in the civilized world, and there, the Horn would be locked away under the eye of the Platinum Sanctuary, the largest and oldest temple to Bahamut in the world and kept safe by Highbearer Vord (Kima’s...master? The head of her order of Paladin). Following the meeting Percy asks the Emperor about his correspondence with Lord and Lady Briarwood, Percy explaining that the Briarwoods are old friends of his family and asks to be kept updated on the Emperor’s correspondence with them, and that if they’re in the city to please let him know. As Vox Machina are members of the council, this is totally acceptable to the Emperor

Before the trip, during a few days of downtime, Vax goes on a date with the party’s favorite shop keeper, Shaun Gilmore. This isn’t really important but you should know the name Gilmore because he’s an essential NPC who crops up a lot, and Vax’s relationship with him becomes important later, so it should be known that they have a quasi-dating relationship. (It should also be noted that they’re not really dating and there’s a whole lot of subtext and lowkey stuff that points to the idea that Vax is also interested in Keyleth)

On the way to Vasselheim on a skyship the party is harried by wyvern riding pirates. Keyelth turns a Wyvern into a Chicken using polymorph at 500 feet up, one of the best kills in the show imo. While in Vasselheim, following the sealing of the Horn, Grog has a fight in a fighting pit known as the Crucible, losing just barely to the standing champion, an half orc named Kern. Also while in Vasselhiem, because she’s played by Ashley Johnson and Ashley lives on the east coast most of the year, Pike is called to rebuild a temple to her god, Sarenrae and leaves the party. The city wall closest to them is then attacked by a hydra. Vox Machina goes, hunts down the hydra, and kills it. While fighting it another party comes and claims VM are “scags” taking their contracted kill.

Once the Hydra is dead it is discovered that within Vasselheim there is a hunters guild known as the Slayers Take and the hydra was a quarry of theirs and by killing it without a license VM had broken the laws of Vasselheim and they’re given the choice between either joining the guild and retroactively killing the hydra for the Take or face trial. They choose to join the Take. I highly recommend trudging through Orion during the Trials of the Take episodes because it’s basically a 4 parter where the party is split (so Orion’s only in 2!) and they have a couple of really good guests in. (Including Wil Wheaton, Will Friedel (Eric from Boy Meets World), and Felcia Day.) Following the trial they are introduced to the true leader of the Slayers Take by Huntmaster Vanessa Syndriol of the take (basically the second in command), a sphynx named Osisa. It’s also revealed that the Take is a  quasi-religious order dedicated to Ioun, the Goddess of Knowledge and Osisa watches the world through a type of Scrying Eye. 

After the Trial of the Take Mini Arc the party takes a trip to the village of Pyrah, a few days travel from Vasselheim and located in a semi-active volcano. To condense a lot of information into a very short bit: Keyleth is a member of a tribe known as “The Ashari,” The Ashari are broken into 4 clans (Earth, Wind, Water, and Fire) and spread throughout the world to defend parts of it where the elemental planes bleed over into the prime material, every generation a member of each clan goes on a pilgramage known as the Aramente to be tested by the other clans to become the headmaster of their clan. Keyleth is Air Ashari and is on her Aramente to become the leader of the Air Ashari because the last person to attempt it, Keyleth’s mother, had never returned, leaving her father as acting headmaster. Pyrah is home to the Fire Ashari, and the party accompanies Keyleth on her trial. They go to the Fire Elemental Plane where they evade an ancient red dragon (foreshadowing for much later, remember this dragon) that would have decimated the party, and then fight the headmaster of the Fire Ashari, Cerkonos, and 3 other fire ashari while the ashari and Cerkonos are beast shaped into fire elementals.

Following that Grog has a rematch with Kern, beats him, and the party returns to Emon where they are informed the Briarwoods will becoming to Emon for a feast with the Emperor and because of Percy’s request and the party’s standing as council members they are given an invite. Once the party returns to their own keep, known as Greyskull Keep, Percy reveals that the Briarwoods murdered his entire family and took over his ancestral home of Whitestone, and the reason he is Lord Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Kollowski De Rolo III is because he is the rightful Lord of Whitestone.

Again, even though Orion is in them I really recommend watching Episodes 24-26 because 24 and 25 are very plot important and 26 is just hysterical, skip episode 27 (Orion’s last episode and generally considered by many a very uncomfortable watch due to Orion making a very off color comment about Laura (Vex) giving him (Tiberius) a boner and Travis (Laura’s IRL husband) being livid about it) and then watch from episode 28 onward and you’re right near the start of what’s lauded as the best arc of the series.