#tooweirdtolivetoogaytodie

[writingwithcolor]

hey! do you have any advice for a gentile writer on how to handle bar/bat mitzvah ceremonies, and are there ever instances where the child doesn't want to have a ceremony (and how might a parent react to that)?

Writing a reluctant b'nei mitzvah

Hi! For how to handle it, I'd see if you can find a Jewish friend in your writing community to walk you through what it was like for them if they had one, or see if you can watch some videos on YouTube if anyone has posted theirs. 

If you're talking about basic structure of the event: 

The Reform ceremony 

The Reform ceremony will include things like 

having to learn a Torah portion

chant it in Hebrew 

and then expand on it a little in your native spoken language ("Here's why I think this Torah portion is relevant to today's climate change crisis" or whatever)

as well as speeches from your parents and maybe other relatives about how freakin proud they are of you. 

And maybe the temple board president gives you a kiddush cup on behalf of the board.

Afterwards there's usually a reception. 

If the reception has dancing, at some point the kid of honor may get raised into the air while seated on a chair by a bunch of the other guests while they're dancing. (This also happens to the couple at weddings. Fun fact I did not know this wasn't "all big weddings" until I was an adult.) 

This year my temple had its first Zoom bar mitzvah, and the reception involved trivia with one of his moms as the MC. (And they had someone driving around dropping off lunch for all the reception guests, which I thought was an amazing gesture!)

As far as a kid not wanting a b'nei mitzvah ceremony (there's your gender neutral term btw)

 I’m sure that does happen, especially considering the public speaking component and the existence of anxiety or other neurodivergence as a special circumstance. However, I’m not sure I, personally, would trust an outsider to write about the complex reasons someone in a marginalized group may not want to participate in one of that group’s events. However, one thing that's gonna be true when you ask three Jewish people a question you're gonna get.... at LEAST three answers, so read on!

-- Shira

Ceremony research

In terms of researching the ceremony, it depends a lot on denomination. 

For Orthodox families, I recommend you look at Chabad.org. Chabad are a Chasidic sect that do a lot of outreach to help people connect to their Judaism in as many ways as possible - they definitely helped me find my own rhythm when I first left home. I've had a quick check and there is a ton of information on their website for kids preparing for their bar/bat mitzvah - but they will nudge you towards the more 'religious' (in their eyes) way of doing things. 

For information on Reform ceremonies, I will defer to Shira :) 

Now, as for a character who doesn't want their bar/bat mitzvah to take place

Shira thinks no, and if you want to accept that answer that is a totally valid choice and may well be the easier option. I think it can be done (the old two Jews, three opinions), mostly because of the feelings I remember having around my own bat mitzvah. I will say that if the central conflict of the story revolves around the ceremony, that would be a case of taking up a space where we can talk about our own traditions. If it's a subplot, that's a step in the right direction. 

I would also not recommend, outside of an #OwnVoices piece, a character not wanting the ceremony for reasons like:

They don't think it's cool

They don't think it's important

They don't like Judaism the way they've been taught it

However, I think it could work if it's a reason like

They have social anxiety or another kind of brain chemicals where attention/people/noise/worrying about whether anyone likes them enough to come to their party etc are not things they just love to deal with

They are worried about whether their parents can afford it

They have suffered a trauma or loss and can't stand the thought of celebrating right now

It's becoming an autonomy war between them and their relatives, who all want something different for the big day

The reason I'm saying this could work is because the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony and preparations are part and parcel of growing up for us, and are just as steeped in messiness and big feelings as anything else preteens go through. For example, leading up to my bat mitzvah, I sometimes had thoughts about wishing it wasn't happening. This was mostly because my parents felt the pressure for it to turn out a certain way, and that lead to the atmosphere at home being more tense than usual, which my anxiety and general hormones couldn't handle. However, even at not-quite-twelve I knew that this was a very ungrateful and problematic thought to be having, since many Jewish girls who lived through persecution didn't get the chance to have this rite of passage. It was something I thought grouchily while trying on ANOTHER hideous dress, but never voiced. 

Today, some fifteen years later, I am very grateful I had a bat mitzvah but would not say I enjoyed it, for the same reasons that part of me wanted it called off.

Remember that kids going through this process are usually aged between 11-13. So they have big, complex feelings, hopefully some empathy and values, but often not much knowledge of the wider world or empathy for people whose perspectives are too different from theirs to be on their emotional map just yet. They're also desperate for autonomy. I would personally expect to see this messiness in a character approaching their ceremony, which is why I think misgivings about the whole thing can be a plausible element. 

Thirteen the Musical does a good job of exploring contradictory emotions in the build-up to a bar mitzvah. (He does want his ceremony to happen, but starts out with some immature ideas about what he wants it to be like and why.)

Finally, you asked about parental reactions if these feelings do end up being voiced. 

If being Jewish means a lot to this family, the bar/bat mitzvah is probably the most important day of the child's life so far, and something their parent(s) put a ton of work into. 

The initial reaction would almost certainly be 

shock

followed by disappointment

Assuming you're going for a healthy parent-child relationship, they would then hopefully work through those feelings and listen to what has got their child so upset (since they would have to be pretty upset to want the whole thing cancelled). 

As a Jewish reader, I would feel annoyed if they did end up calling it off - hopefully instead they can work through the problems together and figure out what would make it an awesome day. For example, I was recently (pre-Covid) at the bat mitzvah ceremony of a neurodivergent girl, who sang a Jewish song instead of sharing a thought on the Torah portion. Her mum then spoke about the process that had gone into making the ceremony accessible and appropriate for her daughter. 

For more examples of how any accommodation possible will be made to avoid cancelling, check out the online bar mitzvahs that have been popping up throughout the pandemic.

I hope that helps, and thanks for reading this - apparently, I am more passionate about bar/bat mitzvahs than I realised...

--Shoshi

Shoshi, those are some great "Why I don't want to do this" reasons you came up with that AREN'T weird and antisemitic, and I agree they would be less of a red flag for me. To clarify, I think my resistance was basically that even those "good reasons" -- which I definitely agree with -- might be miswritten from the outside bc sooooo many people think that any culture with "a tradition" is automatically a burden on its teenagers, but like you said, we're proud of two of us three opinions etc. so there's enough wiggle room.

Judaism is not a marshmallow. There are a lot of rules that can sometimes be a hassle, there's social pressure because of how communal we are, and the outside world sees us through a lot of weird lenses. However, for those of us who like it here, all that is worth it because of the positives, for example in addition to rules we have awesome traditions, that very communality means community, and specifics that might be more personal like my own use of repetitive prayer as a mental health boost.

I fear that when those of us who write from the inside about the pain of the negatives don't also mention the positives -- which is by no means a requirement of someone expressing their pain -- it leads the outside world to believe there aren't positives. And then gentiles turn around and write Jewish characters who find their own Jewishness annoying, inconvenient, burdensome, etc. 

I'm wandering from the question but basically if you are going to write the setup in the OP, this is the North Pole you have to be traveling away from.

-- Shira 

There is such a tendency to write Jewish characters who are intended to be likable/relatable rejecting aspects of the culture, at least in part as a way to make them relatable to the broader public. I worry that without constant vigilance it would slip into that territory. 

For instance, having anxiety and not wanting to do your portion in front of an entire shul is one thing, but if the hesitancy is also part of a broader desire to avoid engaging with the culture it is a problem (well, it's an OwnVoices deal anyway). I guess, for me I wonder why it is that this Jewish character has to be struggling with a Jewish celebration. Lots of us do, myself included, but I narrow my eyes a bit when folks outside the community feel such a pull to those particular narratives, and that's what makes it feel like unstable ground for someone who isn't Jewish.

--Dierdra

I got so into that b'nei mitzvah question haha, it spoke to me because it's such a turbulent time in life that I felt it could humanise the young Jewish character - IF handled well. I DEFINITELY agree though about the whole 'urgh why do I have a tradition?' character, which is very tired at this point. I'm honestly so sick of Orthodox Jewish characters only ever being portrayed in order to make our way of life look less than.

--Shoshi

[andermuunoz]

[b00bconnoisseur]

🎶

"Put your playlist on shuffle and write your favorite lyric from the first song!"

"She doesn't know she's beautiful. Because no one's ever told her so. And the demons that she has, are all she knows" Better Off Dead, Sleeping With Sirens

I love this song so muchhhh

[ahhhthefeels]

maize + pumpkin for the autumnal asks? 💕

Yeee thanks! 😁💜

1. maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street

Ok this is a really weird one. I was walking down the street late at night (with a couple of friends) on the way to a birthday party and we heard someone drumming but we thought it was just a shop we passed on the way with music. Fifteen minutes late my friend whispers to me "hey can we walk a little faster? I think that guy's been following us for 15 minutes now" and so I turn around a lil peek and I see this man, carrying a portable drum and sticks and just like drumming but also following us at the same time? And I was like ??? After we got away I started cracking up because that had to be the most hilarious combination ever (but still creepy nonetheless)

2. pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

Inherently good!

[horsegirlhob]

∞

It’s not some message written in the dark / or some truth that no one sees / it’s a little bit of everything 

(A little bit of everything, by Daws)

[lastnightsglitter]

1, 5, 10

1) "Flaws" or "Oblivion"?

flaws holds a v v v v special place in my heart :,) 

5) What era of Dan's hair do you like best?

2012-13 and that era of 2015 where it was grown out,, :* also unpopular opinion but I really like the grown out blond/?/// I dont know why lmao 

(so in short, I always love his hair. I just am not too big of a fan when he buzzes it really short) 

10) If they released an acoustic of any song, which would you like?

already answered! (an official one for warmth

15) On a scale of 1-10, how much is Dan the utter can of soup that his middle name suggests?

he’s a soupy boy, 10/10 

ok one more bc I have no self control ajkhsdad

[combeauferre]

2, 7, n 8 for the writing asks 😳👀

2 -  is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

i’d love to try a fake-dating au or a Theres Only One Bed fic bc i just love how cute and cheesy they always are, but the fake dating especially would take a lot of commitment i feel 

7 -  share a snippet from one of your favourite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

oof ok 

Dan isn't a very still person. He's always fidgeting in some way; either he's pacing, or he's jogging his leg, or holding something in his hand to play with. Maybe a year of constant action has made him restless, or maybe he's just always been like that. Phil takes this moment to watch Dan be still. His side rises and falls gently as he breathes. The little snuffles make Phil smile. He remembers the first time Dan fell asleep next to him, tucked up into his chest while Phil sat up on his phone. It was the first time he'd ever heard Dan's little snores, and it was then that he began to realise that he didn't really ever want to be away from Dan. They were so young yet. They had no idea how much their lives would intertwine. Phil never knew he was capable of so much love. He remembers wondering how long it would last, whether Dan would be the one to stick around. He thought he'd never get used to his chest feeling so full of adoration. He's used to it now, but that doesn't make it any less his favourite feeling in the whole world.

-you’re moving without moving

with this one i just really enjoyed exploring just,, waking up next to your favourite person and being able to admire them in a way you normally can’t, it was just a really nice warm thing to write and i loved it 

8 -  share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

It only rings twice before someone picks up.

"Dan? Thank God."

"Hi, Mrs Howell," Kath begins. "This is Kath, I'm, uh, Phil's mum?"

She hears a huff down the phone, something she hopes isn't a sob.

"Kath," Dan's mum breathes.

"Dan's here." She doesn't need the question to be asked.

"Oh, Kath, thank you so much." She does hear a sob, then. "Has he been with you long?"

"No, only about five minutes."

"Can I speak to him?"

"I've sent him up to shower," Kath tells her, "It's raining buckets out there, and he was soaked through when he got here. Didn't want him catching a chill."

There's a shaky breath on the end of the phone.

"Mrs Howell, is everything alright at home?" Kath asks tentatively. "I know it's not my place but... he seemed quite upset."

"He and his father had quite a nasty fight," Dan's mum says, quietly. "I thought Dan had just left to go let off some steam round the block, but then he didn't come back and-"

-safe place

this was the first time i explored any kind of kath/karen interaction and it began my lowkey karen stanning (big up team dan proud mum) and i think it was just really interesting to think about the relationship between two mothers who havent met but their sons are just each others world idk i just loved writing this fic

[wndamaximov]

thoughts on sweet iced tea

It’s sustenance second only to coffee(the flavored ones, like chamomile and strawberry)

My thoughts on...

OG Post

[pjsforestkid]

I love your blog so much!! 💛💛

aww thank you so much!!

[andermuunoz]

[b00bconnoisseur]

salted caramel, mango, n black cherry

salted caramel: favorite movies?

Ooooo hmm.....i love marvel movies! Spiderman Homecoming is one of my favorites do is Into The Spideyverse! Oh oh!! THE GREATEST SHOWMAN AND LOVE, SIMON. THEY'RE SO SO GOOD

mango: when and why did you start your blog?

I started it on June 6th of 2018 and i started it cause one of my frens from Deviantart was making an art tumblr and i wanted to give them a follow and give his art likes n stuff :3

black cherry: four words that describe you?

Hmmmmm.....

Creative

Caring

Nerdy

Indecisive

(Im indecisive abt absolutely everything so i cant ever make decisions which is why im easily influenced 😬)

[marigoldtragedy]

List 7 comfort films and tag 7 people!

tagged by @jusdrinkstea thanks for the tag love!! <3

1. The Princess and the Frog

2. Romeo + Juliet

3. Castle in the Sky

4. Birds of Prey

5. Tangled

6. Baby Driver

7. Treasure Planet

I tag @a-arvensis @smoking-tomato @risotto-eater @lovecharmsxx @spy-goth @not-your-bitch-bitch @tooweirdtolivetoogaytodie and anyone else who wants to join in!

[yourfavealbumisgay]

I Am Easy to Find by The National is claimed by asexuals!

(requested by @tooweirdtolivetoogaytodie 💜 thank you!)

[vulpinesaint]

@the-marxist-mash tagged me, so here we go babey

Rules: tag 9 people you want to know better (this assumes i know even five people that i want to know any better)

Top 3 ships: fuck it; stucky, geraskier, and harley quinn/poison ivy. there you go. now that i’ve shown you my soul feel free to extrapolate whatever wack psychological things you want from that

Lipstick or Chapstick: yes (fuck you, i like both; lipstick is really fun and chapstick is great for days when i want my lips nice and healthy and a little shiny but not colorful bc i get anxious over looking too feminine)

Last song: hazy miss daisy (kid bloom)

Last Movie: birds of prey babey! yes i pirated it i’m sorry miss margot i wasn’t gonna be able to watch it otherwise

Reading: the ship of the dead (magnus chase book three; i’m almost done with it and then i’m reading dracula next. technically i’m also reading invisible man but that’s for school so it doesn’t count)

Three random things that make me happy: uhhhhh music, fanfic, wearing elf ears

alright bitches watch out i’m coming for a deeper friendship with you: @b-bucky-y @so-cinnamon-dun @tooweirdtolivetoogaytodie

sorry folks i don’t talk to: anyone so if you wanna get to know me better send me a message and if you wanna do this little tag feel free :)

[crashingmanicwave]

14, 17, 32

I am sorry this is so late lmfao I had scarce computer access all weekend buuuut let’s see here

14. Killjoy name?

I couldn’t think of one so I took this quiz and got... Cellophane Exploder. lol

17. Can you play any instruments? Which?

I played the piano for like ten years! And then I stopped.

32. Favourite Fall Out Boy song?

This is a very difficult question for me to answer lmfao but uh let’s see... I guess at the moment I would have to say The Last of the Real Ones

[messitheking]

tooweirdtolivetoogaytodie replied to your post “Does anyone know any artists/bands to listen to?”

I love most of those bands too!! If you like Bastille, I'd recommend Walking On Cars - I started with At Gunpoint, but my favourite's gotta be Always Be With You or Ship Goes Down. If you like indie rock/alternative, you might also like SYML - personally, I love his stuff and can't stop listening to Where's My Love. Hozier is also amazing. If you want to branch out a bit, grandson is fucking awesome and deserves more love, although his stuff is a bit heavier. Andrew McMahon has really good stuff too. He's played quite a few festivals with Bastille and if you like them and Imagine Dragons, you'd probably love his stuff as well. I'd really recommend his self-titled album. :)                  

Thank you so much! I’lll add them to the list