#toolosttolose

[letmewritemylife]

Lara Johnson (Part 2)

You stole my sanity, I'll never be the same. - Citizen Soldier (Hope It Haunts You)

A/N The end is a reference to the beginning of Avengers: Infinity War, which is actually part of my fic series, but I don't have it saved on my phone anymore. I recommend going check it out on my Instagram (agata_varano), it should be a light blue post with a big title and it's split in two parts.

TRIGGER WARNINGS Mentions of alcohol abuse, self harm, nightmares.

But her demons didn't appreciate the way she had treated them and came back roaring and screaming louder than ever that same night and again for weeks, months. Her conscience had never been so mean to her and Lara didn't sleep for days, tortured by her own mind.

Days weren't less hellish than nights. Leaving her past behind was hard, almost impossible when everything could become a painful reminder of what she had done, of what she had lost. 

Moreover no one around her seemed ready to trust her, not after what had happened, and she couldn't blame them. Not even she could trust herself.

Training with the sorcerer, Doctor Strange or however she was supposed to call him, wasn't exactly a dream either. 

Firstly, Lara had to admit Strange was right: she had no control over her powers. Probably denying them for years hadn't been a good idea and had resulted in an uncontrollable, destructive magic that she hated like her own life.

Knowing that she could destroy an entire city without even wanting it wasn't exactly a pleasant feeling. It was like wandering around the woods being completely on fire, feeling like a monster and having little to no desire of self-preservation.

Strange tried to help her, she guessed, he wasn't mean and Lara understood it, but being social wasn't exactly his thing. He expected her to open up with him, make him understand what was going on in her mind, but he was the first one to hide behind thick walls whenever he could, ignoring her for hours until they had to train.

The only comfort was the other sorcerer who lived with Strange, the one she had thrown into a window, that didn't treat her differently from other people: he ignored everyone with no distinction.

Lara would have tried harder to find a place in all those people's lives, if only she hadn't had to find peace in her own. 

Her problems with anxiety only got worse, often accompanied by violent panic attacks. Nightmares and mental struggles didn't hesitate to drag her down the same hell she had lived in for years. Having no idea how else to cope with the undying pain and sorrow, she let herself be devoured by her own demons. She found it impressing how easy it was to hide alcohol around the Sanctum, ready to tempt her in the middle of the night when nightmares wouldn't let her sleep. If drinking wasn't enough, she could always go back to her old friend self-harm: no one cared, no one noticed and she wasn't able to stop. It was perfect. 

Unfortunately Strange didn't agree with her. 

It had been a couple months after Lara had moved into the Sanctum and she was training with Stephen like every other day. Like every other day, she had no idea what she was doing. Like every other day, she had tried to control her powers. Like every other day, she had failed majestically.

"You just have to calm down, it's not that hard," he said in that tone which Lara could never understand if it was annoyed or not.

She clenched her fists in a desperate attempt not to burn everything down. "It's not hard for you."

He crossed his arms on his chest. "It's not hard for everyone. You just have-"

"'You just have'! It's easy to say for you. You're the goddamn Sorcerer Supreme, you don't have this kind of problems!" She raised her tone at him, mad at how hypocrite his words sounded.

Stepping towards her, he pointed his eyes to her face, his expression now angry. "No, I don't, but at least I'm trying to help you."

"'Help me'?" She spit back, screaming at him with all the rage she had bottled up for weeks. "If completely ignoring me, always acting like I'm just an annoying burden hanging around and then expecting me to listen to you is your way to help me, then thanks but I don't need it."

Strange's expression turned sorry, but that didn't calm down Lara. She headed to the door, her fists clenched hard enough to hurt her palms with her own nails. 

He opened his mouth for a moment, tempted to say something, but no voice left his lips. He silently stared at the woman as she left the room and rushed upstairs.

Lara slammed the door of her room, leaning back against the wood and slowly sliding down until she was sitting on the cold floor. She let out a breath as she tilted her head back, staring at the white ceiling.

She felt bad, terribly bad and she couldn't help it. What was she even thinking when she had decided to accept Strange's help, forcing him to carry a burden he knew nothing about and rightfully didn't care about?

Curling up on the floor, she stared out of the window, the darkness of the night slowly covering the city. She waited until the neon light of the street lamps was turned on, then crawled to bed.

She woke up with a scream after no more than a couple of hours, moving so suddenly that she fell down on the floor. She got up on her hands and knees, her breath heavy and tears streaming down her face. Trying to calm down seemed impossible, it always did. As she focused on her heart beating faster and faster second after second, she didn't notice someone knocking on the door and carefully stepping in.

Whoever had entered the room turned the light on just enough not to trip over her. "Are you okay?"

Lara brought up her face to see Strange kneeling next to her, close but not enough to touch her. She shook her head. "No, I'm not, is this what you want to hear?"

Her unnecessarily bitter answer seemed to hurt the sorcerer, who moved his gaze to a casual point on the ground. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Feeling guilty was the last thing that Lara wanted to do in that exact moment, but she couldn't help it. She stuttered, trying to form a coherent sentence, then focused on the same point as the sorcerer. "Don't be, it's- it's my fault. I always mess things up." 

She sighed as she sat up. "I'm sorry for what I said today. You were trying to help me, I guess, but…" She moved her eyes to meet his. "It's hard, okay? And I don't know what to do. I just- I know I don't want to hurt any more people, but nothing else."

Strange let out a breath. "Well, that's something." 

His eyes darted to her wrists left uncovered by her shirt and barely illuminated by the weak light in the room. For the first time he realized her problems weren't just nightmares and uncontrollable powers.

When she felt his gaze on her, Lara was fast to cover her hands, her eyes falling to the floor.

"Lara." The man's tone was unusual to her. He wasn't annoyed, he wasn't angry. He was concerned. He had just pronounced her name for the first time in maybe days and it was out of worry. "If I open up with you," he said calmly, "can you promise me that you'll let me help you with whatever is going on in your head?"

Lara's lips opened, but she quickly closed them, not sure what to say as she stared at the floor.

"Please," he pleaded out, his voice lower than ever.

Lara sighed and finally looked up at him. "Fine, I promise."

And slowly, Lara took control of her life and, even more slowly, of her emotions. After two months, Lara was far from happy, but maybe she was a little closer. Sometimes she even slept at night and with time stopped drinking out of despair and boredom. After an even longer period of time, she stopped cutting her skin and crying herself to sleep. The last thing she achieved was control over her powers.

After months of training and work, she came to the conclusion that she didn't want to waste the life she had got back, she didn't want to run away anymore. 

She still felt responsible for the events of her life, for what she had done and what she had not done, she still had a little, strong voice in her head reminding her the monster she was, but now she was able to shut it down.

Taking the responsibilities for her actions, she decided to force others to do the same and the first thing she could think about was the Agency X. She made it her mission to take down the whole organisation, or at least try. She knew everything about them, she had trained with them, she had worked with them, she had lived with them. She could still remember names, faces, agents and she would have used that knowledge to defeat them.

As time passed, Lara didn't only find a mission to complete, she also found friends, people she could talk to, people she could rely on. After months, Lara came to the point where she could call Stephen and Wong worthy of her trust. Or maybe she could call herself worthy of theirs, she wasn't sure.

Everything was moving slowly around her, but it was moving, just like a machinery that used to be perfect but has been turned off for too long and now needs time to work again. She had earned a life worth living and dying for, full of missions, demons (metaphorically and not), magic and takeaway food, because apparently there isn't a course at Kamar-Taj on how to cook edible stuff.

But that relative concept of normality was soon to be damaged, as well as the Sanctum roof.

[letmespammylife]

Snow White 🦢☁️

[letmewritemylife]

Spring

A/N This is an AU in which "I'm Sorry" never happened and Lara×Stephen is real. Yes, I'm that desperate.

Genre Fluff.

Warnings None. Just a tiny tiny bit of make out, but it's fluffy and emotional.

Recommended track "Heaven" by Exit Eden.

The chorus of a death metal song was not exactly what Lara had thought would wake her up on such a sunny spring morning but there she was, sleepily rubbing her head as she reached for her phone on the bedside table with a groan. She looked at the screen to read the name "Tony Stark" written in bold white letters.

"Hi," she muttered, her voice deepened by sleep.

"Hey, Earthquake. Did I wake you up?" Man, the inventor sounded unusually happy. 

Lara half smiled when she heard Morgan's voice in the background. "No, I was already half-awake, you just fastened the process." She leaned against the header of the bed, moving her hair to the side and then resting her free arm on her lap.

"Don't tell me you're alone!" Those words let out all of Tony's concern. It had been a while since quarantine had began and it wasn't the best thing ever, but it could get even worse if spent alone and with a fragile mind like Lara's and he understood that.

"Stephen's in another dimension with Wong, don't know when he'll be back. Why?"

"Just wondering. If you want to call us or anything we're are and you know that, right?"

Lara smiled at the kind thought. "I know it but I'm fine, don't worry. I'll survive a few hours on my own."

"I'm sure so. I have to go now. Oh, Morgan can't wait to see you again!"

"And neither can I. Bye!" 

When she ended the call, Lara smiled at the screen, then closed her eyes and leaned against the header, listening to the birds outside.

As she headed to the bathroom, she looked at all the messages from her friends and all the comments on her social media. Bucky had sent her a photo of Alpine sleeping on Sam's lap, which made her smile like a child. Giving her hair a normal look was harder than expected since every stroke seemed willing to do whatever it wanted, but in the end she managed to make a decent-looking ponytail. The bags under her eyes weren't even too dark, considering she had gone to bed late. It was not her fault though! It was all because Stephen had not drunk the coffee she had made the day before, so she had had to drink his too.

Of course, Lara was a responsible adult and decided not to drink other coffee. Not too much, at least. Just a cup. Maybe two if the day became too stressing. She leaned against the counter as she sipped her coffee, looking out of the window at the empty street. The chirp of the birds sitting on the trees, the rays of sunlight shining through the glass, the clouds moving slowly across the blue sky, everything was so peaceful. For a moment, she wondered what Stephen was doing. Was he fighting some sort of demon? Was he just visiting some alien sorcerer? Thinking made her hungry, so she looked for some biscuits in the cupboard and then plopped on the sofa, willing to spend the rest of the day away from work and stress.

The morning passed fast between a video call with Wanda and a trash tv programme that Lara could not find the sense of, but for this reason she found funny as hell.

It was almost midday when she heard a noise she knew pretty well: a portal opening in the middle of the room. She turned off the TV and stood up just in time to catch Stephen before he fell face on the ground. He collapsed onto her, nuzzling his head against the crook of her neck. 

Lara made him sit on the couch and studied his face with a worried gaze after sitting on the armrest right next to him. He was covered in cuts and various injuries, but luckily none of them looked too bad, yet he seemed exhausted. She moved a finger over his cheekbone to see if he was still bleeding from the big cut he had on his cheek and Stephen covered her hand with his, slightly turning his face to kiss her palm.

"Are- Are you okay?" Lara stuttered, her voice just a little louder than a whisper.

Stephen nodded and moved Lara on his lap to make her straddle him before kissing her softly, his trembling hands cupping her face.

Lara hated being the responsible, cold one, but she had to. She gently parted from him, her hands resting on his chest. "If you're okay, then how did you get all of these injuries?"

Stephen curved slightly his lips. "I wouldn't call these 'injuries', I barely notice them." He moved his face up to meet Lara's again, but she stopped him with a finger on his lips.

"Well, I do, so first I take care of your face and then I'll kiss you. Do you like the sound of it?"

Stephen smirked. "I thought spring's good weather would make you less annoying."

Lara slowly got down his lap, still keeping eye contact. "You'll need more than a little sun for that, Merlin."

Stephen smiled as his gaze followed her across the living room until she left. She came back a moment later and sat next to him, ready to medicate his cuts. She held a side of his face as she disinfected every cut meticulously, removing all the dried blood and dirt. When her eyes fell down to his smirk, she smiled.

"Actually, you'd be old enough to take care of your own wounds..."

"And letting such a cute nurse go to waste?" 

His gaze moved around her face, studying the way her eyes were lighted up by the compliment, how the corners of her lips curved and her white teeth gently bit her bottom lip as she put all her attention into taking care of his wounds. She was beautiful, so beautiful that when he noticed she was done, about to close the bottle of disinfectant and put it away, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Her giggle was the best sound he had ever heard. She stood on her knees and held his face in her hands before pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. He tightened his arms around her thighs, his mouth meeting hers in a kiss. 

It took them a few minutes before they stopped kissing. Lara laid down against Stephen's side as he wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer and removing the tie around her hair to play more easily with the soft stokes.

"Do you have a rough idea of how much time it took me to make my hair?" Lara commented while looking up at Stephen. 

He kissed the crown of her head. "I'm severely injured, let me enjoy my favourite thing before I die."

She smirked and snuggled closer to him, enjoying the warmth of his body. "Stroking my hair or being an idiot?"

He smiled against her hair before starting moving his hand up and down her back. "If you consider being irremediably in love with you being an idiot, then the last one."

Lara smiled so hard she could feel her skin aching. "Why do I even love you?"

"When you find the answer tell me 'cause I'm wondering the same."

They stayed like that for a while, cuddling and enjoying each other's company. Stephen slowly caressed Lara's hair, playing with the silky strokes, while she laid there, lost in her thoughts as she drew nonsensical patterns on his chest. It really was relaxing, being completely silent and listening to each other's breaths and pulses. There was no need for words, they knew they were both happy to be together, with no one else around and with nothing to keep them apart. Then Lara felt a warm fabric wrapping the two of them, gently leaning over her shoulders. She threw a side look at her right and saw the Cloak of Levitation partially covering her and Stephen's body. Her eyes then met Stephen's annoyed glare and she smiled, snuggling closer to him and wrapping her arms around his torso.

"I hope you're not jealous of a piece of clothing."

"Me? Jealous? Never been, will never be." He answered coldly without stopping stroking her hair, but moving the sentient fabric a little to have enough room to move his fingers.

Lara smiled against his chest. "You're cute as hell when you're jealous."

Stephen snorted and leaned down to kiss her head, then turned to the Cloak. "If you plan on staying here, you could at least bring me a sandwich."

The Cloak shock itself in indignation and answered by moving further from Stephen and closer to Lara, who giggled slightly. She pressed her hands against his chest and met his lips in a kiss. Her hands moved up to his shoulders as he buried one of his hands in her hair and placed the other one on her hip.

He lazily bit her lower lip and his tongue asked for entrance, licking the seams of her mouth. She suddenly opened her mouth and sucked his tongue, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer in an open mouth kiss.

"If you were hungry, you just had to ask," she whispered against his lips before he pressed her against the couch and kissed her roughly.

The Cloak flew away from the two, finding a free spot on the table near the couch and curling up like a cat.

In the meantime Stephen's lips were moving down Lara's jawline, tasting her and leaving wet kisses all over her skin. Her hands moved to his hair, massaging his scalp with the same rhythm of his kisses. When a bite to her neck made her moan, she gently pulled a stroke of his hair and earned a guttural sound from him. The sorcerer held Lara's wrists and locked them just above her head with one hand, while the other cupped the side of her face as his lips moved back to her mouth.

Lara smirked against his lips. "Something's suggesting me you missed me, Strange."

Stephen smiled and arched a brow. "You're exaggerating, Johnson."

"Really, Merlin?" Lara put on a fake pout and freed herself from his hold, pretending to get up from the couch.

Stephen smiled at her childish behaviour and turned to hug her tightly from behind. He then buried his head in her hair, kissing the side of her face.

Lara placed her hands on his arms in an attempt to free herself as she giggled. They were adults, yet they were there acting like kids.

"Okay, maybe I missed you a little," Stephen whispered in her ear, his lips brushing her lobe.

Lara smiled and turned to place a kiss to his lips before getting up. "Hate to ruin the mood, but you and I probably should have lunch."

Stephen smirked. "I was, in fact, about to eat my favourite meal."

Lara laughed and pushed Stephen, who wrapped his arms around her as he fell back down on the couch. The witch took a moment to move her finger on her lover's lips. "Seriously, I'm hungry but not in the way you're thinking, you pervert."

Stephen laughed again. How many times had he already smiled since he had come back home? He had no idea, but he liked how Lara mirrored his expressions, smiling so brightly that his heart skipped a bit every time he looked at her. "Okay, okay, got it. I'll let you eat food." He moved a stroke of hair from her face. "In a minute." He added before drawing her back for another kiss.

[letmespammylife]

Golden ☀️🌻

[letmespammylife]

Blue queen 💎💦

[letmespammylife]

Pink queen💞👑

[letmespammylife]

UNESCO heritage💜🔮

[letmespammylife]

The Supreme Queen TM 🦋💎

[letmespammylife]

The aesthetic of Resist is >>>>>>>> 🦋🌌

[letmespammylife]

Harley Quinn 🖤🌝

[letmespammylife]

Lzzy Badass Hale is the queen. Periodt. 🍁🍊

[letmespammylife]

Red rose🌹💋

[letmespammylife]

Our goddess of the imaginary light, Amy Lynn Lee💚🌱

[letmespammylife]

Can I say I love this edit? Cause I do!

[letmespammylife]

Stan for clear skin

[letmespammylife]

Sharon deserves all your love and way more