#took panadol and it somehow solved all of my problems

[santir0sales]

last week has just been me getting sick after another, gastric is FOUL

[c9sneaksen-blog]

Crimson Comforts

‘Inspired by the 'medical pause’ from game four of the quarters with Dig’

Crimson Comforts

It was hot and cold at the same time,  dry and drenching. His chest felt like it was on fire yet he had the sensation of drowning, no air in his lungs - nowhere to go or escape to. In short it felt like he was dying and to be honest it could well be a possibility. Bright side, at least he had managed to get off stage before throwing up and completely shutting down, Not so bright side - he had to get back on stage soon. Hopefully after he started breathing again.

He knew the hand on his shoulder was supposed to be comforting but all it felt like was a weight, something pressing down that had enough to bruise and break. Someone was crouched down in front of him but all he could see was spots, bursts of darkness and temptation. All he could hear was buzzing and the sound of his own heart beat. It had to pass, it just had to - all the others had. He just needed a little more  time, he just needed his body to reset itself.

There was talking around him, quiet, almost careful, there was a sense of uncertainty and fear.  He wanted nothing more than to rid that fear from all of them, he just couldn’t find the strength.

“Has it been this bad before?”

“No, I’m actually starting to worry - this is not normal ‘I had a migraine at the start of the day’ behaviour.”

“Is he even breathing?”

“I would be a little more freaked out if he wasn’t and please don’t put that idea in my head!”

Any further comments were silenced by the sudden gasp and movement from the previously prone Jensen on the couch. They all eyed their team mate apprehensively as he lurched forward, coughing uncontrollably as he blinked back tears.

“Hey, you with us?”

Jensen blinked again, trying to get his bearings he looked over at Andy and cringed slightly at the look of concern on the supports face, all he could manage was a small nod before he continued to cough.

“Welcome back to the land of the conscious.”

The midlaner grimaced slightly, a hand to his temple as he muttered. “I wouldn’t call it that.” His voice sounded wrong, stretched and scratched

“Okay, so half conscious maybe.”

“Something like that.” Jensen continued to cough through his words, trying to rid the pain in his throat. He suddenly realized that the person with his hands on his shoulder was Zach, it was barely touching him, as was Zach who was sitting as close as humanly possible without physically touching him. “Uh… how long have I been out?”

“About twenty minutes, give or take a few.” Zach was the one that answered, his voice strained. “Going to be honest Yensen, you scared the crap out of us.”

“Sorry.”

The whole team cringed as the single word caused another bout of coughing.

“Maybe you should stop talking?” Juan gave Jensen an odd look as Zach closed the small distance between the two of them and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. “And maybe not go back on stage?”

“Don’t be ridiculous - I can’t do that to you guys.” Jensen shivered as he was pulled further into Zach, trying to contain his coughing. “Just, just give me a minute, we can still do this - I, I might not be much help but I won’t- I can’t let you all give up.”

“Please stop talking.” Zach muttered in the mid laners chest, now completely engulfed in the hug with him, “We can work something out, Repeared and Robin are with them now - just let us take care of you for once huh?”

Jensen just coughed in response, clutching Zach even tighter as he did so.

x-x-x

“This is beyond stupid.”

The blunt, annoyed, statement from their top laner summed up the teams feeling as they made their way back onto stage. It was rather reluctant on their part but there was nothing for them to do. Jensen was, after all, a stubborn idiot and would not let them surrender the game, not ever on account of him.

“Let’s just make this as quick as possible, we’ll figure out game five when we get there.”

“Game five, wow that will be a miracle.”

“We can do this.”

“Our main carry can’t talk or see straight…”

“Well, you know - we’ll just have to carry him for once.”

And then the game had started back up - and everything just turned into a right mess.

“They’re going for Baron guys, this might be it, we have to fight-”

“I, ah, don’t think I’m going to be much help…”

“Jensen are you…?”

“To put it bluntly I may be seeing double.”

Numerous curses flirted across the mics as the team faltered slightly in the river, moving tentatively through Baron from mid.

“Push mid.”

“Excuse me, Andy…”

“We’ll stop them backing - push mid and end this - just auto and dash your way down there.”

The split second of silence felt like a thousand. “Okay, I’ll try.”

“Looks like the team have finally made the decision to fight this and - wait, is Jensen, is he farming minions, at a time like this?”

“That’s not farming, that’s pushing he’s heading straight for the inhibitor.”

“And the team is poking, stopping the recalls, giving Jensen time as he burns down that inhib.”

“This is C9’s last ditch effort, they’re trying to finish - TP from the middle of the pit… oh.”

“PERFECT flash body slam stops him in his tracks - and that’s the trigger, C9 is in. Sneaky rocket jumps in, Smoothie right then beside him, protecting him - and Jensen, Jensen is on the turrets!”

“Keane’s weaver wall - he got out and is heading for the base.”

“Keane is out and is heading to Jensen, coming into the base to one on one Jensen. But Jensen, just doesn’t care! He’s got the first turret, he’s on the second one - dodging out the attacks from Keane, burning down the turret!”

“C9 is down, the baron pit fight was a bloodbath - but three of Dig is down too - it’s just Altec left, he’s recalling but - JENSEN GOT KEANE!”

“Keane eats a culling to the face and that mean’s the second turret is down. A shut down for Jensen and he is winning this for C9, he’s on the nexus, he had the minions. Altec is back but it does not matter!”

“What an end, what a call - this is…”

“C9, on the back of Jensen’s push, takes us to game 5!”

  Jensen groaned throwing the headset down and collapsing on top of his keyboard. “Fuck, kill me now.”

“So much for us carrying you.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you stopping them backs - oh God,”

“Do you need to get out of here?” Jensen only just realized that Zach was whispering to him, kneeling beside him on the stage, a steady hand on his shoulder - his voice was shaking, but that might be because everything for Jensen was shaking. “Let me get you out of here…

“Please…”

And that was all he managed before he collapsed right there on stage.

x-x-x

Slowly, ever so slowly, the darkness ebbed it’s way out of Jensen’s vision, it gave way to a blurry, fuzzy vision of a ceiling - and a blurry view of people, his team, hovering over him.

“He’s opening his eyes.”

“About time, normal people just take panadol when they get migraines, this idiot collapses and panic’s the entire LCS community.” Andy’s sarcastic voice cut through the dreary sight and Jensen couldn’t help but grin.

“You know me, always want the spotlight.”

“Asshole.”

“You know you love me.”

“Only because I have to.”

His vision came back in focus and Jensen saw his support standing just out of reach from him a small smile on his concerned face. Most of Jensen’s vision was taken up by Zach, who was leaning over him and placing something on his forehead, a cold tower - that was somehow making all the difference.

There was no smile on Zach’s face, only a deep set worry, a flash of a grimace. A completely different sick feeling filled his stomach. He was the reason for the pain clearly painted on Zachs face, and he hated it.

“Zach, I - I’m sorry please, I’m okay-”

“This does not constitute as okay.”

“Look, I’m here - I’m awake I-”

“You stopped breathing!” The hissed answer was accompanied by a subdued silence from the room as Zach stared at Jensen, the pain mixed with anger - the concern shined in tear welled eyes. “So, so you can just stop saying you’re okay…”

Jensen’s brain could barely comprehend it - stopped breathing? He hated himself for putting them through this, putting him through this. Without saying a word, Jensen took Zach’s hand that was clasped onto the towel on his forehead and moved it to his chest, pressing our right where  his heart was.

As Jensen breathed deeply and deliberately Zach couldn’t help but shake slightly, his hand pressing close as possible, clasping and intertwining his fingers. “You’re, you’re not okay…. Why - why aren’t you okay?”

“I don’t know - I’m sorry.”

Zach let out a deep breath, bowing his head and trying to stop the tears from falling from his eyes. How was he supposed to do this - how was he supposed to function with this weight on his heart.

“Sneaks?” The AD’s thoughts were interrupted by Andy’s soft voice, he had almost forgotten the rest of the team was here, “Ambulance is here, finally.”

“Good, good - they can make it better - I know you hate hospitals but you have to go.”

Jensen blinked, hospital, but there was something he still needed to go. “But - but the game…”

“Don’t even think about it, we’ve decided you’re not going on. Impact’s going to play a tank midlane, Ray’s going top - problem solved.”

“But…”

“You need to go to the hospital we will play, not that we like it.” Juan folded his arms across his chest, “We all refused to go back on stage until you woke up - not that it fully matters, but it’s nice that they gave us this time. They’re all concerned.”

“They are-”

“You collapsed on stage in front of everyone Jensen, concern kind of comes with that.”

Jensen frowned, muttering quietly. “Some people were probably quite pleased actually.”

Zach smacked him across the shoulder at this, hissing angrily “Don’t you even!”

“Paramedics are here.”

Everything was happening so quickly, Jensen looked at Zach, still a little unsure of what was happening. He didn’t want to leave him here looking like this, pained, destroyed, he hated it.

“Zach-”

“Go… please?”

x-x-x

“I’m not sure what we were expecting, but it wasn’t quite this.”

“Well when a player collapses on stage you can’t really try to think what to expect.”

The casters watched as the teams made their way back on stage - with the obvious and stark change to the C9 line up. Impact’s name on the midlaner position caused quite a stir - contrasting the looks on the players faces, the stoic, deep eyes that looked like they would rather be anywhere else.

“Okay, I’m getting information that an ambulance arrived to take Jensen to the hospital and our thoughts and best wishes go with him and stay with the players as they try to concentrate on this game.”

“This is going to be true test of their mental strength and seeming how close this team is, they’ll be wanting it to be a quick one as well.”

“And a lot of eyes will be on Sneaky, he will be the main damage dealer on this team and he’s probably the one feeling this all the hardest.”

And with that game was underway and the casters and players alike tried there best to fully focus on the game.

x-x-x

“Is your job stressful at all Mister Jensen, do you have situations when you are anxious or push to hard?”

“Oh you mean every time he plays, even scrims.”

“Robin, I wouldn’t exactly…”

“You’re your own worst critic.” The translator, assistant and friend of the team narrowed his eyes at the prone and shaky Jensen in the hospital bed. “It is pretty stressful, he seems to shoulder a lot of the responsibility if we win or lose and blames himself even if it wasn’t his fault.”

“I am the carry Robin, it seems to imply that if we lose I haven’t done my job.”

“You see my point, Doctor.”

“Yes well I was expecting as much. It seems you have given yourself a blood ulcer, caused by too much stress and pressure on your body. You have kept pushing it when it needed to rest.” The Doctor continued to flip through the notes he had, eyeing them with a small frown. “Now, about the whole not breathing thing - which I am glad we managed to get on the top of by the way, it is highly rare but not unlikely. Normally the couching tears the blood ulcer, realizing it and the blood through the lungs, but it some rare cases, the coughing dislodges it whole, blocking the airways.”

“So if there is anyway to burst it on purpose, that way it won’t be blocking anything.”

“It may seem that simple Mister Jensen, but as you can imagine a bursting blood ulcer inside your airways is not good for your health… There are dangers to it, it is a unpleasant procedure, but you are in the best place for it. Not too pleasant if it were to happen before you got here.”

Jensen made a face at this, the sudden thought of it happening on stage coming to mind. Collapsing was bad yes, but throwing up blood then collapsing would have been a lot worse. “You are the expert Doc, I will do anything you suggest is best for me.”

“As I said there are some major risks involved, and it is a long recovery, weeks, sometimes months to heal properly. And I have to make it clear how unpleasant it will be.”

The idea of not being able to play for so long pained, to not help the team get to worlds and beyond. But more than anything, their faces came to mind - the fear, the pain. The way Zach had looked at him had completely broke his heart. He couldn’t do that to them again - he wouldn’t.

“Okay, I’m ready, I understand - please explain everything.”

x-x-x

The game had been a bloodbath on both sides with the total kills just peaking over 50 which was pretty impressive seeming the game was barely 20 minutes.  There would be people that said they had lost on purpose, that they had thrown the perfect chance to stall and stretch the game to plus fifty and win. But they didn’t care, in fact the team wouldn’t be able to tell you weather they lost on purpose or not, it could well have been subconscious - but that didn’t matter.

All they cared about right now was getting to the hospital and being a complete team again. They had left without any interviews, without any hesitation. To them the faster they got to the hospital the better. When they got there they quickly made their way out of the van, running as fast as they could into the building - only to come to an abrupt stop at the main reception.

“What do you mean we can’t see him?”

“I am sorry Sir but we can only let family up to the surgical ICU.”

An easy feeling filled them all as they all looked at each other in concern. “Su-Surgical, but why would he need surgery…”

“I can’t tell you that Sir.”

“But we are his family, unless you expect his parents to come all the way from Denmark.”

“What about who came with him, surely he’s up there and you can send him down to talk to us.”

“Actually the gentleman in question is in the generic waiting room just down the hall you are welcome to join him just not go upstairs to the surgical unit.”

There was that word again, surgical it brought up too many mental images that none of them wanted to be true. Somewhat terrified the team made their way to the waiting room - making a beeline for Robin.

“What in the world is going on?”

“Surgery! Really - what the heck is happening!”

Robin just looked at the all in shook, “Ah - why are you down here and not up there.”

“They won’t let us through, we’re not family, it’s stupid.”

“Not all of you - Zach, you’re his emergency contact. They have to let you through, you’re down as his next of kin.”

Zach suddenly stopped, finding himself dizzy. Next of kin? Jensen had actually changed that? Sure they had joked about it, much like they joked about a lot of things, but this? This meant they were serious, offical - actually out and such…. The happiness that suddenly filled him felt somewhat out of place in a hospital but there was nothing for it. Jensen thought that he was worth it, that they were worth it - and he wasn’t going to let him down.

“Alright, I’ll - I’ll go up.” Making his way back to reception Zach gave the receptionist a small smile, not missing the way she narrowed her eyes at him. “Hello again.”

“You can’t go up - I’m sorry.”

“I know, I know they can’t - but apparently I can. My name is Zachary Scuderi.” Fumbling slightly he dove into his jeans, presenting ID. “I don’t know if you need this or not but I’m his emergency contact.”

Looking somewhat skeptical at Zach she took the ID, squinted at it and typed a few keys on her computer, silently comparing the information. “What is your relationship with Mister Jensen?”

“It - uh, it doesn’t say?”

“You need to confirm it.”

Zach sighed, biting his lip. “I’m his… boyfriend? Significant other…. Partner? Sorry which one would you like?”

“Any one of them is suitable.” She handed the ID back, as well as a plastic key card. “Just follow that to his room,  I am sorry for before, but in cases like this we have to be sensitive.”

“It’s okay you were just doing your job.”

“You friends are welcome to visit once he his moved out of surgical.”

“Thank you.”

Zach clutched the card as if was the most precious thing in the world. His happy feeling from before was gone, replaced by a sudden dread, almost like complete darkness, He realized that he hadn’t actually found out from Robin what was going on, he was going in completely blind.

Zach wasn’t too sure if his heart could take it - any of it.

x-x-x

His whole body shook, his mouth filling with the tang of copper once again as blood pulled in his throat. He barely had time to comprehend and recognize it before he coughed, the crimson liquid exploding outwards. It bubbled slightly at his throat as the Doctor held him up - the blood filling and staining the pan he was holding.

“You’re doing good, really good - we’re almost there okay.”

Jensen’s only answer was a groan, his whole body going slack - exhaustion hitting him full on. All he wanted to do was sleep, but sleeping when you have a throat full of blood that you could choke on was not a good thing.

The doctor’s hand strengthened on his shoulder, pulling him a little closer to the edge of the bed and steadying him into a sitting position. “You just have to last night, then everything will be all fine - and hey, I heard you’ve got someone coming up to be with you. I am glad, to go through this yourself will be hard.”

“They - they let my team up here?”

“No, just one - your emergency contact I believe.”

“Zach…” Jensen breathed deeply at the thought of seeing Zach, and although it brought a surge of happiness it also brought a surge of pain - the blood burst forth without him realizing - filling the pan once again. “Ugh, I really don’t want him to see me like this.”

“You don’t get a choice in the matter.”

Jensen looked up, a blush already rising to his face as he tried his best to wipe the blood dripping from his moth. “Zach, I - ah how long have you been…”

“Enough.” Zach slowly made his way into the room, nodding to the Doctor at Jensen’s side as he did so. “Ah the nurses filled me in on what happened and the surgery - thank you, for all you have done, for…”

“Hey, I’m just doing my job.” The Doctor gave a warm smile as Zach seemed to lose all semblance of words, he held out a hand for him to shake, while still keeping one strong arm on Jensen. “And I am relieved to see you, someone to keep an eye on my patient here.”

“Oh?”

“I am not allowed to fall asleep.”

The Doctor grinned, almost laughing at the deadpan way that Jensen said this. “Yes, and as much as I know you do understand this, your body might fight you - so someone needs to be here with you.” At this point he directed his attention to Zach. “It’s a little unorthodox but I think I can trust this fine young man here with the task.”

“Of course no I want to help - you probably have other patients and need sleep yourself.”

“Good.”

The next thing Jensen knew Zach and his doctor had switched places, he found himself looking up at the man that saved his life while leaning against the one that gave it meaning.

“Now you know the rules.”

“No sleeping.” Jensen repeated, leaning quite happily into Zach’s embrace.

“And let it happen, even if it is unpleasant, “I will make sure to check up on you at regular intervals, but hopefully by the morning the majority will be gone and we can look to move you downstairs.”

“Just the night - we can do that, right?”

Zach squeezed Jensen’s shoulder and, causing the blonde to blush furiously, bent down to softly kiss the top of his forehead, “Yeah, we can do that - together.”

With a small smile and a wave the Doctor left them alone - Jensen happily leaning against Zach, Zach just happy enough to see Jensen breathing. It wasn’t long before the first yawn came from Jensen.

“Fuck I can barely keep my eyes open.”

“How do I help, I don’t want you falling asleep on me.”

“You can talk.”

“Talk - wouldn’t my monotonousness voice put you asleep?”

“I could never fall asleep talking to you, I wouldn’t want to miss anything. Tell me about the game.”

“Well we lost.”

Jensen snorted, causing him to cough a little, “No shit.” Jensen fell back into Zach a little more, breathing deeply a the burst of pain in his throat. “Tell me everything.”

“Everything-” Zach hummed shifting him and Jensen in the bed carefully, wrapping him completely around him. “Well we first picked Elise for a bit more damage to the comp, and got the birds duo.”

“Lovers, appropriate for your and Andy.”

“Tease.”

“Impact got Galio?”

“No, they banned it second phase, he ended up on Ekko actually - I think he enjoyed playing him as a hyper carry rather than a split pusher for once.”

Zach felt more than saw Jensen’s demeanor change at this, he could almost guarantee that Jensen was grinning.

“He is a very good Ekko, we used to play one on ones when possible - what did Ray end up on?”

“Fiora actually, against Maokai.”

“Wait… you guys didn’t ban him again - and had no tank!”

“Pick and Bans were a bit of a mess actually, much like the actual game.”

Jensen shook his head, “You shouldn’t have let what was happening distract you.”

“You’re worth it - and besides you can’t tell me you would be any different if it was anybody else in your spot, if it me here instead…”

“Of course I wouldn’t, you mean everything to me and I…” Jensen’s whole body shuddered, he breathed in and out quickly and groaned. “I - damn in I shouldn’t be talking, I hate that you have to see me like this..”

With a violent cough, more blood came from his mouth, adding to the already crimson pool in the pan. With tears in his eyes Jensen tried to hide the worst of it from Zach, which was quite difficult seeming he was wrapped around his arms.

“Hey, no I want to see this, even though it hurts to see you in pain I would hate for anyone else to be here in my place.” Zach tried his best to try not to move much as he leaned over to the side table where the doctor had placed a towel and some fresh water.

But with shaky hands the midlaner could barely hold the bowl let alone clean the blood off.

“Come on, turn around.” Zach carefully moved, giving Jensen enough space to slowly turn around and face him, Jensen barely looked Zach in the eyes, a shy, unsure smile on his face as he kept his eyes on his blood stained hands.  “Here - just let me take care of you.”

The two of them were silent through it, Zach washing the damp tower over Jensen’s hands, slowly and softly massaging his hands and fingers as the crimson liquid washed off. Jensen jumped slightly as the towel in Zach’s hand moved to his face, his mouth, carefully moving in circles around there.

Zach stopped as Jensen pulled away, his eyes returning once again to the bed in front of him.

“Jensen, what’s wrong?”

“I-” Breathing deeply, not liking the pain from just doing that Jensen tried to keep his composure. “I just didn’t think I could care for you even more but here you are, doing - doing this for me and I-”

“Hey, Hey.” Zach shuffled a little closer on the bed. “Don’t you dare say you don’t deserve it, because you do.” Placing the bowl of water and towel back on the bedside table, Zach searched Jensen with his eyes, his thumb going up to his cheek to wipe away the tears that were dripping down. His heart dropped and felt heavy as he watched the tears drip down to stain the bed sheet. “I am yours, nothing can change that - no one can change that. Nothing is going to drive me away…”

“But I did this, I did this to myself and I dragged you and everyone else down with me…”

“You can’t help who you are, they told me the reason it happened was because you push yourself… and sure it annoys us sometimes, but it’s also a part of the reason why we care about you - why I care so much for you…” Zach pulled him in close, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug as Jensen tried to stop the tears from falling. “You weren’t to know that this was going to happen, and you’re not alone - you’re not. None of us are just going to let you go through this alone, you have to know that?”

“I do, really I do but I… Did they tell you, when they think it started, how long it’s been growing?”

“It didn’t come up.”

“He thinks around six months.”

Sneaky breathed out deeply at this, hugging Jensen a little tighter than before. “Last split finals?”

“Mmhmm, last split finals.”

“You changed after that you know, I think it’s because for once you broke publically… after that even though you still went through it, you let me, let us know when it was happening. Little by little you let us all in just that little bit more - we got to see the Jensen after the game…”

“You forced your way in your idiot.”

Zach smiled, and pulled away from Jensen a little bit so he could stare into his eyes. “Would you have had it any other way?”

“Never, I care so much about you that we’re almost reaching the L word territory here, and I can’t imagine, anything without you by my side.”

“Whoa, you hyped up on pain meds there man - don’t get too mushy on me!”

Jensen chuckled, although it turned into a frown and then a cough. “Ow, ow, okay don’t make me laugh please.” Tilting forward slightly Jensen hummed happily, resting his head on Zach’s shoulders. Zach’s hand almost immediately went to run his fingers through his hair.  “Mmm, are you sure sleep is not an option.”

“I’m sure bud, the doctor was very clear on it - remember?”

Jensen made a humming sound at this, but it soon turned into a gasp and then an explosion of coughs. He tried to turn away, not wanting Zach to be this close and showing such weakness and horror. But the carry was having none of it, Zach kept a calming hand entangled in Jensen’s hair while he reached out for a clean pan. He held the metallic pan steady as it suddenly turned red, the blood violently exploding forth. Jensen shivered, continuing to cough up small amounts of blood, the sound of it hitting the pan echoed around the room and clanged in horror around Zach’s heart.

“Nicolaj!”

“This - this…” His whole body tensed, blood still dripping down as he tried to find the words to describe it.

“This hasn’t happened like this before?”

As Jensen nodded, clutching Zach for an anchor, Zach reached back behind them and pressed the call button for the Doctor, immediately turning back to Jensen taking the hand that was gripping the sheet. Intertwining his fingers and letting Jensen grip his as tight as possible.

“I’m here, I’m here, the Doctor is coming. It’s going to be okay - I’m here.”

Jensen just nodded, clutching Zach still, hunched over on the bed, blood still dripping down. Small cough and lurches caused it to come out faster. Jensen barely comprehended the door opening, fully focused on his intertwined hand. He didn’t hear the conversation Zach had with the doctor, or what the doctor tried to say to him. He was too tired, way too tired, his energy couldn’t be split, he could only focus on one thing at once.

Zach, he had to focus on Zach, everything would be okay if he focused on Zach, Zach was here for him - Zach would keep him safe.

“Jensen, Nicolaj, Nicolaj can you hear me?”

“Zach… thank you.” He was so darn tired, so he welcomed  sleep with a smile.

x-x-x

Zach wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting when he made his way back down to the main waiting room but it wasn’t quite what he saw. His whole team, including the coaching staff were collapsed and asleep on a large couch. Zach had a feeling normally it would only sit four people but they were all squashed on it. Juan was even laying across all of them, almost falling off it  if it wasn’t for the arm subconsciously thrown over him by Jack. The sight caused a warm smile and feeling to fill him, he had kind of expected some of them to leave by now, it was after all passing three AM.

With a sigh, Zach collapsed on the chair beside his team, pulling his feet up to balance on the chair, wrapping his arms around his knees and placing his chin on the top of his knees. An eerie silence fell over Zach and he suddenly felt very alone, something burdening down on him. All he had felt today was worry and concern but he had always been around someone - been around people to keep everything all together.

But now he was alone, now he had nothing, no one to look at and hold back any kind of break down. Tears came quickly and in a flood, everything coming out all at once. It was silent at first, before he couldn’t hold that back any longer either - the sobs echoed around the otherwise quite empty room.

He couldn’t control them and in away he didn’t want to. He was so tired, he was so damn scared and he just couldn’t hold up anymore.

“Zach…”

Zach barely comprehended the voice, but he did feel the firm grip on his shoulder - he leaned into his friends touch, not even be able to actually figure out who it was. He didn’t care, all he cared about right now was that he was crying, he was feeling - he was completely terrified.

“Hey Sneaks, it’s going to be alright - he’s going to be okay.”

Zach really didn’t know how it happened, but he ended up on the floor near the couch, wrapped up in the arms and basically in the lap of one of his team mates. They spoke softly to him, letting him completely break down, crying in his shoulder.

“He - he almost died, I… I almost lost him and I, I couldn’t cope, I just can’t even imagine…”

“We know, but he made it - he’s strong, you guys have plenty of times.”

Zach choked in reply, clutching his team mate entangled with him even harder. It had been close, way too close for comfort. He had stared down the thought of losing him and it had shaken and chilled him to the core, snapped something in him that he didn’t think could be snapped.

He was never leaving him now, not for anything - every second was precious.

x-x-x

His vision came back to him slowly, dark blurry images becoming more solid and increasing in colour. Jensen had a funny feeling that the fact that his Doctor was leaning over him was not a good thing - then again he was smiling, so that could be a good sign.

“Good Morning Mister Jensen.”

“G-Good… Morning.”

“Congratulations, you survived the night.”

“But I - I thought I blacked out?”

“You did, it was always something that could have been a possibility and you did scare a few people, but you survived and here you are.”

“Here-” Jensen took in his surroundings, realizing his room was different. “I’m not in the ICU anymore?”

“Nope, as you can possibly tell all the excess build up of blood in your lungs is gone, you can breath and talk normally now.” His doctor continued to smile at him, indicating the IV line that was attached to him that Jensen didn’t even notice until it was pointed out. “We are still monitoring  you and drinking and eating for the first few days is out of the question, hence the IV, nutrients to keep you going.”

“But I’m… okay?”

“Yes, yes you are - two, maybe three weeks in here and then we’ll let you go. There could well be incidents in the future that require hospital visits but we will discuss those later.  I thought instead of me rambling on about all this medical stuff you would like to see your, ah, team?”

“They’re still here?”

“From my understanding they slept in the waiting room, Mister Scuderi  was also seen in there, you will be happy to know he was asleep.”

“Good, I didn’t want him staying up all night.” Jensen shuffled in the bed, now that he was aware of the IV line it was itching, a kind of nuisance and weird numbness in his arm. “So they can come see me?”

“They can, I will go tell them you’re awake, that way someone other than you can hear some ground rules.”

Jensen nodded, ground rules, he had a feeling he wasn’t quite out of the woods yet, he still felt like absolute crap but he knew with his team behind him Jensen believed he could do anything. On and off the rift.

Luckily for his sanity he wasn’t left to his own thinking for long, not that long after the Doctor had left there was a knock on the door and a familiar head popped around the door.

“You don’t do anything in half measures, do you?”

It felt good to laugh, especially when it wasn’t accompanied by a burning pain. “Half measures are for boring people.”

Andy just rolled his eyes, moving further into the room and sitting himself firmly on the side of Jensen’s bed making a conscious effort to avoid the IV’s. “You will be pleased to know your better half is having a well deserved nap. Jack’s staying with him just so he’s aware where he is when he wakes up.” Glancing over to his friend on the bed he added, “You doing okay Yensen?”

Jensen smiled, shifting slightly to move closer to the support, he leaned on his shoulder and sighed in contentment. “I will be, with you guys around.”

“Well,” Andy wrapped an arm around Jensen and leaned a bit further back into the bed. Motioning the others to come in as they arrived at the door. “We’re not going anywhere.”

x-x-x

“Something has been bothering me Yensen?”

“Mmm?”

It was Jensen’s first official day out of hospital,  two whole weeks of being stuck in the same room with the same routine was starting to take it’s toll on Jensen. He had been insisted on the team not spending their time with him as it was quite boring just sitting there and talking about things you had already talked about for days on end.  Zach had visited him every day, the team had popped in every now and then - but now that he was out he didn’t feel like he was taking up any of their time, he was after all, staying at home.

Home, he couldn’t think of any else more perfect to describe where they all were.

“I’ve lost you haven’t I?”

“What, oh, sorry - I just kind of, zoned out.” Jensen shook his head, giving Zach a small smile. “I guess, I’ve been by myself for these long periods of times now I’m just so use to thinking and having conversations in my head - sorry you said something was bothering you?”

Zach just chuckled, shifting slightly closer to Jensen on the couch. It felt almost surreal to have him back in the house, looking healthy and smiling - it was almost like it didn’t happen - except it did - and he still had nightmares about it. “I was just… wondering when, and why I guess you made me your next of kin, I…” Noticing the hurt look that crossed Jensen’s face Zach quickly added,  “Not that I don’t like it, I do - I’m just confused.”

“Why is that confusing to you?”

“I don’t know I guess I just didn’t realize we were quiet - there yet, you know. I was just wondering…”

“I love you.”

Sneaky froze, blinked and opened his mouth - though nothing came out.

The distinct sound of the door leading into the gaming closing echoed around the lounge, obviously some had walked in thinking it was a good time to come say hello and had made a quick exit at the words the had heard.

“What - does that confuse you to?”

“No, I just didn’t think, I mean I never thought you’d be ready…”

“I wasn’t  when I actually changed it, it was almost like I knew it but I wasn’t ready to say it - or by changing it I thought I was admitting it even though no one else knew. But admitting it now… two weeks ago I almost died - and I am not risking anything happening again that will stop…” Jensen took a deep breath, moving the final space between him and Zach, taking the brunette’s hands and leaning forward so that they were inches apart. “Every moment, every second, everything I say and do… it matters now, and I want nothing more than to do all those things, good things, fuck ups - whatever, I can get through it all - as long as I have you.”

Zach was bright red, his voice a barely audible squeak. “You’ve been thinking about this a lot haven’t you?”

“Mhmm, and….?”

“And I love you too.” Zach flung his arms around Jensen, pulling him as close as possible and breathing in deeply as Jensen snuggled into his embrace. “But don’t you ever - ever do anything like that to me again!”

Jensen just chuckled, “What you’ll stop loving me?’

“No way - never.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear.” With a cheeky grin Jensen pulled out of the hug slightly to kiss Zach quickly on the lips, quirking an eyebrow at the brunette as he asked. “Now don’t you have scrims to be at - pretty sure someone tried to come and get you before?”

Zach nodded, “You coming?”

“Hmm, I can watch - but I don’t think I’m quite up to playing yet.”

“Good, you can be my lucky charm - among other things.”

Jensen just laughed at this, shaking his head at his did so. The two of them, albeit begrudgingly, untangled themselves from each other limbs and got off the couch before making their way into the gaming room. All eyes quickly turned on them - and their intertwined hands - and the stupid grins on their faces.

“You guys finished declaring your undying love for each other?”

“For now, yeah.”

The whole team rolled their eyes at this as Jensen let go of Sneaky’s hand and made himself comfortable on his computer chair, spinning around to the middle of the room where he could easily see all of his teammates and quickly scoot over to any of their screens at a moment’s notice.

It was normal, it was nice - it had seemed like a far off dream two weeks ago. But now that dream was a reality, it was right here, and they were living it. And it was certainly better than any dream either of them could come up with.

A/N - This took me a while to finish because I wasn’t too sure how I wanted to end it. but I hope you all enjoyed it. :) -Kylie 

[tarotjourney2021]

I am now in the magician phase and I need to get to know the tarot I will experience every phase and major arcana as much as possible and be willing to play a factor in them. and to fully live them and be guided.

Actually I am about to go into the magician phase or so I think ... I think I have left the or in Propgotaroy phase between the fool and the magician..

I have taken the leap into this world of magic.. without knowing where I am going I was so lost.. knowing that I am missing something.. something is missing and everything is a mess.. i am a mess and my life is a mess.. and I was missing and messing something up.

I started to be drawn to things I don't understand .. to crystals.. to tarot.. to strangers on the internet with their tarot card youtube channels.. who seem to describe anything and everything I am going through. They seemed to name those feelings that I couldn't pinpoint. Those mixed emotions.. these thoughts.. how did they know? How did they know all of this was happening with me, they don't know me.

My mind automatically tries to ignore these stark resembles. Some of them give detailed examples of something I am going through. "for example, Taurus, Say you're trying to start a youtube channel, but you feel weird talking to a camera or you're worried of what people might think....then they proceed to whatever advice the cards suggest".

How did he know I've started a Youtube channel and I feel weird about talking to a camera and I am worried about what people might think?

My logical mind, who only encourages science-based evidence snorts "whatever".. but no. This person is telling me something else about me like he knows what kind of person I am. Even my own family doesn't know who I am. Do I know who I am? What am I listening to, why am I so consumed by this?

Listening to all my major placements, and each one resonates.. differently.. and in so many times, my Taurus sun sign might show up in my moon reading or my virgo rising reading.

What gives?

Who are those people? what are they doing? probably a lot of weird people who are nothing like me are listening to all this!

I need to keep this a secret. I need to keep it hidden.. otherwise everyone will think I am crazy.

Actually some of those readers act like they're crazy, acting like someone is talking to them, or something is a 'sign'.. I roll my mental eyes. Really? Someone is talking to you?

But I believe them, on some level. Someone is talking to them.. and this someone who told them all these initmate things about me, that i somehow found in a Youtube video is weird to say the least.

But what am I so attracted to all of this, binge watching certain tarot readers that I regard them as my hidden treasured gold mine.

Or as Minnow Pond puts it, my team! People who I have on my team.

I need to think of a team right now. It's quarantine and I've been here for over a year, in my little basement apartment, just me and my cat Gavin, and I need a team, more than ever.

He's been on my team for a while.. he is one of the rare youtube tarot readers I'm currently watching who seem to focus on seem to focus on the physical world... and as a newbie in this world..I like to start with what I know, the physical world.

I have made a careful cocktail of tarot readers I watch. Scorched earth seems to know the depth of my soul, seemed to know everything I've ever gone through, congratulates me on all the little milestones I've crossed... knows exactly what it's been like for me, all these years..

Also her, with her red hair, and hard cored yet incredibly soft emotions.. with her Cancer sitting in the cushiony spot of Venus. It's weird that I know that, I know. Also what does that even mean?

And there is Dash... Dash in between.. He's amazing.. so charismatic.. I don't know how he looks, in his youtube videos he only shows his hands.. but I think I'm in love with him. I sometimes when I am feeling lonely listen to his readings even if it's not my sign, just to listen to his voice and amazing insight. I only wish he wouldn't focus on love readings, I don't care too much for that anymore, I know, ironic for the person who stumbled on tarot on the first place through chasing hocus pocus love tarot readings.

Anyhow, back to Chris. He said he plans to die on stomps. I do to. Because I am the fool. and about to become the magician.. what else would I do?

It's weird that I am now consumed with the idea that I am not getting even nearly enough of life. that I need to taste everything life has to offer when I'm 36 now.. and all my life I was consumed with the idea of killing myself, of not have earned the right to be here.

I was in second grade when I was asking my father if an overdose of Panadol would kill me. Feeling disappointed when he said it wouldn't, wondering how else would I die and get rid of all my problems. What problems did I have in second grade that couldn't possibly be solved, the only way out was an overdose on Panadol? I don't know, I don't remember. But I remember feeling the situation was dire.

Of course my father thought I was asking because I DIDN'T want to die, since I always had severe migraines and often took Panadol, he probably thought I was double checking I was being careful. I wasn't.

I might have gotten the idea from my mother, she always used to suggest killing herself and getting rid of her life, she never said it with a knife to her throat but she always said it with so much misery and manic frustration, I always worried that one day she might do it.

'If you come one day from university and see that I killed myself, never ask what is the reason". What is that reason? me?

Anyways, I don't want to die anymore, and I can't believe that this though consumed me all this time. It consumed me so much that I never carried through with anything.. how do you carry on with anything when don't care to be alive to see it through. I need to be alive to see it through, and to put in the work. Because putting in the work is what proves that I have the faith.. and the way to prove that I have the faith I say I have is to move.

I now want to live... not only to see things though, but also because the journey is pretty cool.. I can't believe I missed all this by being in my bed.. cause I feel too small to be here and to take up space.

I am reading this book.. my therapist gave me.. "Eastern Mind, Western Body".. or was it the other way round.

anyways.. it is a phenomenal book. I loved it so much i read in just a bit, then returned it to my therapist to order my own book so I can highlight everything.

How come no one told me about these chakras? Everything is slowly making sense..

The fool's journey.. I'm here.. I am not sure what any of this is.. but it makes perfect sense.. and everyone I know.. if they knew this is what I am consumed by these days...'you believe in this stuff?!'.. I don't know if I believe... but I have to, I've witnessed it and can't deny what's happening.. everything..

I've been asking for answers for so long.. feeling like i need a place to start.. asking all the time for cues.. and then things are starting to come in.

Book suggestions.. video suggestions.. people I end up meeting.. are all things that I so need to be engulfed in right now.. everything is connected in a weird exhilatering way... and I'm here for it. in a foolish, somewhat wise way.

Things are finally connecting..I prayed for this.. I don't pray really.. but you know what I mean.

and the 'Lady universe' this is what I like to call her.. I might explain that in another post.. but it's a good medium between 'The universe' which feels a little weird.. and 'Allah' whom I've been told to worship but I don't anymore. He is still warm, but vague and very very questionable.

Anyways.. the answers are coming.. but so. much.. i can't keep up.. I am learning so much.. and yet feel like I am not learning anything at all... I sometimes feel bad for the years I've spent without learning anything... or bothering to learn anything.

I have some dragons to slay..to get the gold they are guarding... I came all this way.. I moved all the way from Sudan, where everyone told me I need to just get with the program, bleach my skin, relax my hair and marry my cousin or anyone willing to marry, even though I 'passed my expiry date'.

No, that's not the vision, sis.

I'm going to Canada... how did I get here.. I don't know.. but despite being Sudanese and a woman from a conservative family, whom I was walking on egg shells already...

I can't believe I never got caught with all the BS I got myself in.. How did I survive there? In that Shari'a led country when falling in love with someone outside of your faith is a crime I should be flogged for?

I had so many nightmares about being flogged and being caught.. the nightmare starts in so many different ways.. tricking me into believing it is a different story.. but always ends up with me being caught and about to be flogged.. I always wake up at the last minute.

I told my Christian boyfriend at the time, but then I stopped so I don't make him feel guilty about our love. I shouldn't've worried. I realized he was cheating on me all the four ears we were together.

The disappointment didn't come from the clashing cultures and religions, it came from the most unexpected place, him.

You don't know when your heart breaks, because it doesn't make a sound. It was that dull but yet overwhelming pain, it took me a while to understand that was what a heartbreak felt like.

I thought I was immune.

Everything shattered. Was that the tower? I don't know..

But it set me off on this fools journey... I feel the past four years here in Toronto, have also been part of it. I had no idea what the hell was happening.. so many phases of depression and anxiety.. it's all a bit of a blur.

But I feel like I've woken up and it feels strange...

And I need to make up for the 36 years that have passed with me worrying about the mundane. I plan to live this journey, to the fullest..enjoying it.. Yes, the person who used to out herself to sleep by fantasizing about her own death and how it might be received to wondering how can I squeeze this life for all its got.. and if I will be able to lick all that honey that drops...

I am saying yes to the journey.. 'the hidden treasures hidden inside of me will be happy I said yes.