#took like an hour to convince myself out of bed ugh I’m such a rotten mood

[skyward-floored]

Writing out of context scenes just to mess with characters is fun... even if I’ll have have to rewrite the entire thing later so it makes sense with the actual plot

[baeveewin]

6 am. 09/19/2017

It’s 6 am, and this behavior of mine during lonely nights are becoming repetitive. So let me release some stress. I am sorry for always being so bratty. I am sorry i am such a hard, difficult person to love. I am sorry that it has been over a year & I still haven’t let you fully in. Let me correct that, It’s been over 6 months & i still haven’t let you back in since the incident. During this recovery, I’ve been doing nothing but my best to forgive & forget. & well, I forgive. But i can’t seem to forget. I’m not sure if I am growing during this process or am I still the same. I am hoping the choice is growing though. Anyways, Im honestly just really tired. Im not sure of what, but i just feel so drained every day. Gosh, how I hate the feeling of being drained. Especially when everything is going right in your life, yet you feel like its all wrong.  Im not sure what Point im trying to prove. Let me just tell you all the thoughts that has been going through my mind the past few months. I haven’t mentioned any because i’m afraid. Afraid of what you would think. Afraid of you leaving of course. Im so scared to be alone sometimes, because of nights like this. When Did I get so weak. I don’t think anyone has made me this weak before. Does this just means the love is real? Or am I just blinded by lust. Im such a fool, of course Im in love with you. Who wouldn’t fall in love with you. & it sucks because you’re my first love and im your second, third? I’ve been sitting on my bed crying for the past hour, and I honestly have no good reason to be crying. I guess your past is catching up to me & im so sad. Before you met me, you were in a very long happy relationship. Although, I am naive about your past, since you never talk about it, i tend to make assumptions into my head. But when you do talk about it, i get a little insecure. I hate myself so much. I think about so many things that brings me down. Why am I like this? Insecure for what? I guess because I feel like my looks arent that great, I guess also because I’ve ran into some old photos of you & your ex on your laptop & in your second room & you look so much more happier then, than now. Before you get mad, I Was not snooping, I was cleaning & found it. & I was also charging my phone on the laptop & of course the ICLOUD photos popped up. Im a little jealous sometimes because I’ve never been in a happy relationship before, so I have nothing to look back at like you do. Sometimes I wonder, if its because you’re going through the whole probation thing that is why you’re not that expressive but that shouldn’t be an excuse for anything. Am I correct? But don’t mind me, i am 19. What do I know. I feel like every time I try to do something right, it goes wrong. I am so afraid you’re not over the past. Because sometimes I sit here and wonder if I am really over about my past & honestly, I don’t really have a past. Beside a bunch of boys who cheated on me, used me, & abused me. But yet I am still here, sweeter than ever, Just a little insecure. I can’t seem to focus on the present because the past just keeps bothering me & Im not sure what to do to make me feel better at this point. I just wish the feeling of secure was wraped all around me. But right now, I feel so free, so cautious of life & this relationship. You know when people say history repeats itself, i believe in that so much. But im just hoping history wont repeat itself. Im trying so hard, everyday to forget. I just wish there was an erase button for me to erase all the mistakes you’ve made. I pray every night for better days for the both of us. I prayed & asked my aunt for you to come back to me that one time you decided to leave. Some how she granted my wish, and i felt so blessed. I don’t think you understand how sad I was that night, It was endless tears. It felt like someone stabbed me 10x. The adrenaline, the heart drops, the stomach grumbles .. oh how I still feel like that feeling every time we argue.. & the thought of you cheating again when I left for Mexico frighten me so much. I feel like you forget that you took me for granted at an early stage of the relationship. But those actions are the reason why I expect so much more from you now... I ask for so much affirmation because I am so scared. I am such a sucker when it comes to love, my dear. I think you would know that by now. The long letters, texts, the little things, the handmade gifts. Ugh, I love it all. If only you knew how happy I get when you post about me, or show me off on social media via Public . I feel so mattered. Next, Sometimes I just forget how to even be sweet anymore, because the other side of me just wonder why should I even be nice when no one else is. I also tend to sit on my bed, and think about all the times you want to give up on us over small arguments. Another reason why Im so insecure sometimes, and always keep quiet. How are we suppose to grow when all you ever do is throw tantrums, slam doors, or slam objects or yell or even be so hostile when Im not even screaming. If you haven’t already notice, every argument we’ve gotten into where you walked away, I’m always the one chasing after you. I have the need to. I feel like if i don’t ever run back to you or be the one to speak up, we’re never going to be okay. It kind of sucks, the feeling of being taken for granted or not cared for. What i am really trying to say is, chasing you is exhausting. You say you’re always chasing me,  but do you know what it feels like to have the person you love the most , walk away from you multiple times over small arguments. Do you know what it feels like to feel obligated to text first or you’ll be abandoned? Do you know what it feels like to think you have so many ways to control me. At this point, i am starting to think you know i have you wrapped around my heart, so you have every power to make me do/feel anything because you know I wont ever leave you. You say I’m hard to love, but am I really? Or are you just tired of me. I am so scared of you leaving me. Where is my pride at anymore when it comes to you. When you walk away from me when we’re arguing, I try so hard to not call, text, run after you but its so hard. Like that one time I went through your phone and i literally begged for you not to leave me while chasing you out the house.. out in the streets. Why am I like this when I don’t deserve it. Its just starting to hurt. & its starting to get tiring. Every time we fix an argument, I always take the fall because You convince me I’m the problem. I’m a little to hard on myself sometimes. I try to reach your expectation but its so hard when you start thinking the reason why every thing falls apart is because of you. You always say i am the problem, i am this, i am that .. but do you ever realize how your actions effects me too? You’ve brained washed me to think i am the immature one, when really .. you’re just not being considerate enough. Do you see what I mean when I say the past is catching up to my growth & i am trying so hard to grow pass this even more. Its not even about your ex, your past, my past, your mistakes, I think it’s just whats suppose to be is meant to be. I think we’re meant to be, sometimes. all the time? I don’t want to say we are, not trying to scare you away. I mean I know you say you’re with me for the long run, but maybe you’re with me because im the only good thing that is keeping you going in your life? At one point, you felt like We were only together because I kept you up during jail time, god I hope you don’t feel like that now. I guess it’s actually not me anymore. Its you. Maybe you’re not opening up to me as much like you should. We don’t really ever sit down and talk unless we’re drugged out. I never really say whats on my mind because i am afraid you’ll lash out on me. So most of the time when something is wrong, I do stupid things or just stay quiet. My biggest fear is losing you. Yet I am losing faith. I really want to grow with you, but sometimes I feel like i am holding you back. I am still starting my life. Barely in college, still not legal to drink. Am I holding you back? I love you so much My dear that sometimes it hurts because I don’t feel good enough for you. Like my body, geez why am I so small & skinny. Why cant i be like the girl you want. Or Like why do I still have braces, i look like i am 10. Or why cant I naturally be pretty, why do I must spend hundreds of dollars on makeup. But at the end of the day I am me. We’ve reached to the comfortable stage in our relationship & its okay but I want to regain our spark. I want to feel that intriguing feeling that everyone claims they see in us my love. I want that so much. I just need something to motivate me & tell me everything is going to be okay right now & the future. You’re doing a great job at being my boyfriend. You are perfect. I have so many friends who wishes their boyfriend was like you. But maybe this is just my insecurities getting in the way. Or maybe me crying out for help. I love you, you’re doing great. You’re the only extraordinary person in my life. I hope you completely understand where I am coming from, after reading this blog. I am not here to bash on you or tell you you’re a horrible person, those are not my intentions. My intentions is to finally release all this rotten feeling & telling you what has been on my mind for the past months. My intentions are for us to help one another out.  I love you. Forever and always.