#took a 10 month break from fandom just to come back like an addict finally getting their fix

[ctrl-alt-bucky]

listen I've just played through MW3's campaign for the first time and i just HAVE TO SAY... i love Ghost and all, but Price.... . . . . . . . . .

Damn that man is hot

Dare I say more so than Simon 🫣 Maybe that's a huge hot take but idk. I'm down with the mask kink, but the utter control Price has over everyone?? The dominance?? The aggression?? The looks he gives people when he's pissed off and thinking of ways to work situations out??? Sjhfdkdjdk

And not to mention that he's such a softie despite all of that rough soldier exterior. He cares so much for the work he does and his team and it really shows how much trust he puts into them (esp Gaz).

I'm no facial hair enjoyer either, but there might be a bit of something something goin' on with his 👀 That's all I'll say abt that lmaooo

[the-darklings]

coa one year later & self-reflection

(*drags out a creaky metal chair and plops down on it heavily*)

Hi. It’s me, ya boi skinny--

Wait, wrong one. Do over.

Hi, it’s me, Kat, and I’m not dead. Clearly. Today being one year anniversary of COA has kinda put me in a reflective mood, so I guess I decided to sit down and just...talk about some things, thoughts and feelings I’ve been bottling inside for a hot sec. Especially given how radio silent I have gone on here and people deserve a bit of perspective. 

And before anyone starts worrying, it’s all good, and I’m still around and currently in good health for the most part. 

So, let’s take it back to the start. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, we need to go back a year for that. 

By technicality alone, COA actually turned one year old on October 12th. That’s when the first part was posted. However, the reason I’m treating today as the aforementioned birthday is simple: I had no intention of this story ever being more than a short two-parter. I told this to the discord gang already but COA was only going to have two parts. V was going to die in Tokyo and the rest of the story follows glimpses of John throughout the movies and it’s her ghost that haunts him. Skipping ahead, it was going to have a bittersweet ending of John eventually dying, having completed his task, only to be greeted by V, Daisy and Helen in the afterlife. A peace of sorts. Then, I realised that, well, no. I have more to say on this world and intrigue about this placeholder character V kept growing. 

November 1st happened and I made a very last minute call to continue COA but with the added pressure of doing it during NaNoWriMo 2019. And boy did I. Most of the story was figured out during that very intense month. I posted Part 2 on this day a year ago because I was so eager to share it. Perhaps, in retrospect, a bit too eager. 

For those of you who may not know this, I work as a writer full time for my actual every day job. I’m the main writer for an original webcomic called In the Bleak Midwinter on Webtoon.com and have been for almost two years now. Getting what is essentially your dream job is amazing. I’m very lucky on that front but it also taught me stark realities of having your job and only hobby overlap. It’s a dangerous creative mix. Especially because I was not used to being constraint in what I create or the feeling like I have to please anyone else. Writing as a job is a whole other avenue of creative exhaustion. I love my job a lot and am very, very lucky to have it but it doesn’t change the fact that those initial stages made me fall back on COA a lot for creative freedom that I craved so desperately. To an unhealthy degree looking back on it now. 

But going back to November last year. NaNo time. I did it. Finished on the 24/25th I believe. A juicy final count of 52k+. All while maintaining a weekly update schedule for a fic that usually hit around 10k per update, if not more, even during those early days. Add writing an original story on top of that. Writing every day for hours on end (we are talking 10-12hr days) without any time for other hobbies or time for myself in general. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Losing weight and sleep in the process. I think the thing that convinced me that I should continue doing so is the fact that the outpour of support for COA ended up surpassing anything I ever expected or even dared to hope for. I’m not a huge numbers person but the outpour of love and just sheer investment in the story and characters blew me away. John Wick fandom is on the smaller side and has been going through downtime when I posted COA so my expectations were...well, small tbh. I like keeping expectations low to avoid any disappointments in general. But I’ve also always had an issue of being a massive 0 or 100 kind of person. If I love something, it consumes me. In this case, it brought me as much joy and freedom as much as it was steadily pushing me towards the ultimate crash. 

That being said, I can’t thank you all enough for every comment, like, reblog and message and fanart. You’re the reason I got this far. With your support. It brightened some really dark days for me.

But. 

To be frank, it’s never been about you guys. I never wrote or pushed because I felt like I had to appease anyone. That creative mindset is pure poison and I long since learned to let go of it. I kept pushing and kept working myself to the bone because I liked it. I liked how reading peoples’ responses made me feel. I liked the addictive nature of reading all the comments and theories after an update. I loved the idea of brightening peoples’ days and giving them something to cheer them up after what might have been a shitty day. Even if that was at expense of my own time/well being. But for a long time, it wasn’t. I love writing a lot but facts remain facts. 

It was beyond unhealthy and burnout wasn’t a question of if but when and that when was approaching at neck-breaking speed. 

So we come to the end of November. Part 4 has just come out. People were invested and I was invested alongside them. I was just finishing up Part 5 which (back then) was the biggest single chapter I’ve ever written and god I still recall my sheer dread because that was the beginning of Santino being established as a LI. Looking back on that now, it’s downright hilarious how worried I was about the reception of him and V together after John.

So honestly, I hit burnout at around Part 8. Because that’s the first time I recall struggling with writing a chapter. Part 8 came out on December 28th. I had a brief break for holidays. But my mistake was not taking longer back then. Because I continued writing with a barely healed burnout. Followed by almost a year of struggling and continuously creating through that state. It wasn’t like I eased off the pressure, either. Oh, no. The chapters grew in size, the world and the characters with it. AUs amassed quickly and while I adore every single one - again, I didn’t know how to pace myself well enough.

I’m spiteful though. The more the chapters struggled the more I pushed against the burnout. By the time Chicago arrived, however, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up writing 43k+ in a span of 2 months, I believe. And while to some it may not seem like a lot given the time frame, it’s a lot when you’re burnout to a crisp & writing an original story for work + deadlines. Which I was burned out and then some. Chicago was something I was looking forward to writing for months. I have built it up since Part 4. It was a long time coming. So while I’m still proud of it, I would be lying if I said that some scenes were not sacrificed for the sake of keeping to my invisible schedule that no one but me actually cared about. You guys have always been patient. I never felt pushed into anything. It’s always only ever been me doing the harm. 

Chicago was the downwards spiral for me mentally. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own expectations. That people were drifting away from it. I was plagued by the thought that the story I poured so much into was falling apart and growing weaker. Which this has always been an issue with me: I am my own harshest critic. Always have been. In fact, I’m a downright mean little fucker when it comes to just tearing at myself. I know writing is for fun - and it is - but I still like the idea of being proud of my work which only made everything worse despite the love each update received. 

This takes us to the beginning of June. Specifically, June the 2nd. Or, as I like to call it: Kat Makes Another Impulsive Decision but This One Actually Works Out For the Better. On this day, I created the COA Discord server. And damn, I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting when I did ngl. I did it for fun and as an escape more so than anything. But somehow it ended up being the best decision I made in a long while. I know some of you are reading this. So love you lots, dorks. It’s such a privilege to be able to call so many of you my friends even outside of COA now. That little community has given me some of the best memories from this year and helped me to crawl out of my own metaphorical pit I was stuck in. Mentally, I’m doing much better than I did beginning of this summer. Which could be summed up as a constant self-hatred cycle and a feeling of inadequacy. 

That, however, does not mean my burnout magically disappeared. If anything Chapter 17 just put a nail in the coffin so to speak. 2020 has been a shitty year just across the board for obvious reasons I don’t need to go into here but that can only partially be attributed to my mental state. Chapter 17 was...exhaustive. To say the least. But I was determined to stick with my vision and not split it up. I was also starting to be a bit more forgiving towards myself in terms of how long I may take to write it thanks to guys on discord though the feeling of failure and worry never quite faded fully. I’m proud of Part 17. Truly. But that was also when I hit rock bottom creatively on COA. It drained me completely. 

I tried writing Part 18 for weeks after, day in and day out, not getting past the first scene and hating every word I wrote. So I took a deep breath and stopped. Figured I let it marinate and wait instead of trying to piece one of the most crucial chapters in this story like some Frankenstein monster two sentences at the time.

So my solution was simple: give myself some distance from it and write other things. Get my spark back. Of course that’s always a good idea. Having multiple creative escapes is the best thing you can do for yourself creatively. There was just one tiny little problem. 

I was still burned out. Still am. The problem went deeper than just being burned out over COA. I was burned out over writing itself. 

Which is an issue for a person who only has writing as a creative outlet.

I don’t have any other way to express myself. So I was stuck in a runt, trying to write because it’s the only thing that makes me genuinely happy even when I really shouldn’t have. And let me tell you. It’s a shitty fucking feeling. My burnout worsened. I had a thousand ideas but every time I tried to get them down it felt forced, fragmented, and weak. Repetitive and dry. Now, this is also in part because English isn’t my native language, so my vocab is limited as a result, but I hit that sweet rock bottom in that regard, too. 

So, I worked on V (but in her OC form Clara), Lucien and The Elites. All those characters have grown so much since you last read about them. I have multiple original projects planned down the line that will feature all of them existing in their own world, with their own stories and no longer constrained by JW canon.  

Which, finally, takes us to the end of October and beginning of November 2020. 

I was convinced that the best course of action was to do NaNo again but with an original story this time (involving V). Suffice to say, it took a grand total of maybe 5-6 days and hating every second of writing it while also feeling like this project I’m so passionate and excited to write (still am) is just...going down the toilet to be blunt, to realise I may have made the wrong call. 

Still, the stubborn ass that I am, I pushed through. Convinced I can get into it if I just keep going. The realizations that I am sharing with you right now won’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for a rather curious turn of events about a week and a half ago.

I recently bought a gaming laptop, all in preparation for Cyberpunk 2077 dropping ofc. But, in the meantime, I kept recommending a game to a friend on the COA server. That game? Far Cry 5. (It’s a blast to play btw, just a side note.) And playing it brought back all the feelings of nostalgia from the days when I used to write for that fandom. So I revisited some old work. Checked the stuff I never published and that has been sitting ducks in my docs for months and hoo boy. Let me tell you it was a vibe check of the worst kind. 

The stark difference in the prose and the ease with which it flowed was...startling. It made me remember why I love writing so much and how proud I used to be of what I wrote back in the day. Which is not to say I’m not proud now, but it was just such a sharp dip in quality it was impossible to ignore.  

So I didn’t.  

I paused NaNo, moving it to another month. I paused writing for everything but work, which with our season coming to an end I will also get a rest from soon, too. I kinda paused in general. For the first time in a while, I finally forced myself to switch off. Rest. 

The reason why I haven’t been on here is simple: guilt and not having energy to be on here. I like making my blog a safe space for everyone. Similar to escape it has become for me. I couldn’t pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I felt obliged to perform and being here became exhausting. I haven’t been checking my inbox. Haven’t done much of anything except occasionally dropping by and reblogging a random post so people know I’m alive.

And that’s that, folks. That’s where I am currently. Resting. Completely exhausted mentally but resting. Getting my energy back. 

So where does that leave us, huh? If you read this far, dunno what to tell you. Thanks, I suppose. It’s still odd to think people actually care about my existence sometimes.

I know what you’re likely thinking, too. So does this mean COA is never gonna be finished? What is gonna happen to it? Are you abandoning it?

The answer: no. 17 out of 25 chapters and 250k+ in, I’m too far in not to give it a proper conclusion. Not because I owe it to anyone other than myself. I want this story to be a stepping stone for my future as a writer. I want to prove to myself that I can get this done and finish it. As of right now (as you can no doubt tell with how long it’s been since last update) it’s on a soft hiatus while I rest. This rest? Not sure how long it may last. Right now, my plan is till mid December at which point I will reevaluate. Ideally, I finish the year with an update. But my New Year’s resolution is to finish COA. That timeline has become a little more murky now but, again, ideally it’s within the first quarter of 2021. Will that happen? I don’t know. And I don’t want to make false promises, either. 

All I’m saying is that it will be done. I’m just no longer sure how long, exactly, it may take me to reach that Epilogue. I don’t expect many people to stick around for however long it may take me, but if you do, thank you. Truly. I really and deeply mean that. 

So what’s on the cards for this blog in the meantime? Well, CP77 is coming out in under a month (if it doesn’t get moved again lmao rip) and I expect that to be my soft return to posting my writing on here again. We will see where the muse takes me, if at all. Regardless though, I’m excited. 

One doctorate thesis later, here we are at the end of this really long rambling session. I hope that this has given you some perspective on things going on behind the scenes. I spared you some of the gorier details but I think this post has been long overdue. I suppose I, myself, was just too unwilling to face these things despite knowing about them deep down for a while now. I’m too self-critical not to notice but acting on correcting this behavior has been a whole other matter clearly. 

Thank you for reading this post, my writing in general, and supporting me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still around. More is on the way in the future. I’ll be seeing you all real soon. And all my love to all of you. 

Love,

- Kat.   

[buddyrabrahams]

10 biggest NBA trade deadline takeaways

[clears throat and does best ancient Roman accent]

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?!?

After countless visits to the Woj bomb shelter and copious mashing of the F5 button, this year’s NBA trade deadline is now in the rearview mirror — but not before New Orleans became a Boogie Wonderland, Jeanie Buss executed Order 66, and Danny Ainge slept through all of his alarms yet again. As the salary cap dust finally begins to settle, let’s go for a deep dive into the 10 biggest takeaways from Trade SZN 2K17.

1. The Southwest Division has become a meat grinder

In their shocking acquisition of three-time All-Star center DeMarcus Cousins from the SacrHAHAHAHAmento Kings, the New Orleans Pelicans managed to melt our faces off and give the ultimate middle finger to small-ball all at once. Cousins will join forces with Anthony Davis to form what is easily the NBA’s most fearsome frontcourt duo since Tim Duncan and David Robinson, and he very well could lift the team to a Godzilla vs. King Kong-esque clash of styles against the Golden State Warriors in the first round of the playoffs.

But while the Cousins bombshell dominated all of the headlines, the Houston Rockets upgraded their own weapon system by trading for former Sixth Man of the Year Lou Williams, a top-tier bench scorer and yet another threes-and-free-throws enthusiast to toss into Daryl Morey’s cauldron. And with the omnipresent San Antonio Spurs again cruising to a 60-plus win season, the Memphis Grizzlies modernizing nicely, and the Dallas Mavericks somehow still kicking, we may officially have a new Division of Death in the Association.

2. The East is now as wide open as it’s been in years

A faint glimmer of hope shines intermittently in the distance to signal the possible end of LeBron James’ reign of terror over the Eastern Kingdom. That glimmer may actually be the Ibaka Flocka Flame that the Toronto Raptors lit this trade deadline, a get that should improve their spacing and help remedy their chronic problem of bleeding easy buckets at the rim in crunchtime. Their late addition of P.J. Tucker as a LeBron-stopper of sorts has the potential to be huge as well, especially he was had for the price of a negative asset in Jared Sullinger and a pair of inconsequential second-rounders.

But don’t sleep on the Washington Wizards either now that they no longer have a cardboard cutout of a second unit thanks to the acquisition of Bojan Bogndanovic from Brooklyn. Bogdanovic’s friskiness off the bounce and his 36.6 percent career mark from deep give the Wiz a legitimate sixth man instead having to trot out The Ghosts of Power Conference Studs Past in Trey Burke and Kelly Oubre Jr. Now as long their starting five continues to swipe lunch money, Washington is set up to a be yuge headache come playoff time.

And to think that we haven’t even gotten to the team that’s mathematically closest to the Cavaliers yet…

3. The Boston Celtics are still waiting for the right time to pounce

“This will be the year that Danny Ainge finally awakens from his trade deadline slumber,” we repeated to ourselves as we slowly rocked back and forth in the fetal position. But alas, Ainge has once again taken the advice of the Magic Conch Shell and done nothing.

Paul George? Sike. Andre Drummond? Ask again later. Jimmy Butler? LOL.

In fairness, there’s not as much urgency to deal for a superstar when the Celtics have already witnessed one emerge in-house this season in Mighty Mouse Isaiah Thomas. Ainge may also want to see a healthy Avery Bradley get more reps with this current core and wait to see where that much-ballyhooed Brooklyn pick will actually fall so as to make a more well-informed decision about the future of his team. But time is of the essence with the Cavaliers, who are just three games ahead of Boston entering the second half of the season, beginning to show signs of mortality, so it’s still tough to justify the Celtics sitting on their hands instead of throwing them.

And since we keep mentioning those pesky Clevelanders…

4. The Cavaliers are walking a dangerous tightrope

LeBron James just hit all of his prospective playmakers with a resounding “It’s not you, it’s me.” Granted, a pre-deadline move was a longshot with the capped-out, asset-deficient reality the Cavs were forced to work with, especially since they gave up what little they had left to acquire sharpshooter Kyle Korver. But it’s still a highway to the danger zone to maintain status quo when the roster only runs six or seven deep right now thanks to the respective injury absences of J.R. Smith and Kevin Love.

Fortunately though, deadline inaction is far from nuclear Armageddon for the Cavs. The buyout market is still a viable place to acquire cheap, albeit exiled, talent in order to retool for a playoff run. Ditto for the often-overlooked 10-day contract cycle, which they recently took advantage of with the signing of ex-No. 2 overall pick Derrick Williams. So while time is very much ticking on Cleveland, there’s still an ample amount of sand in their hourglass, and hopefully that means their title defense doesn’t fall flat (no pun intended).

5. Several more months of Carmelo Anthony rumors await us

#StayMe7o he did indeed, much to the chagrin of those of us who felt compelled to bang our heads repeatedly against our keyboards thanks to the constant bombardment of Carmelo chatter and the gross societal overuse of the phrase “no-trade clause.” Well, those therapy sessions now look like a pretty darn good investment with Anthony surviving the trade deadline and ensuring that many more months of Melo-brand Instagram shade, indecipherable Phil Jackson subtweets, and Spike Lee sideline struggle faces are looming on the horizon to assault the senses of the NBA fandom.

Where do the Knicks go from here? At 23-34, they’ve all but clinched another season of futility. Meanwhile, Derrick Rose will likely be gonzo after the year, but Joakim Noah will still be around to clog cap, and Kristaps Porzingis will continue to have his development stunted by the team’s Melo-centric offense. Then draft season arrives followed shortly after by the 2017-18 campaign, and we fire up the Anthony hot stove all over again. Are we having fun yet?!?

6. The Lakers are done playing games

Jeanie Buss means business if you didn’t gather from the Red Wedding she stunningly pulled on her brother Jim and Mitch Kupchak just 48 hours before the deadline. The same goes for Magic Johnson, who, upon ascending to his new perch as Lakers president of basketball operations, traded away Lou Williams, got the team involved on the Paul George front, and took calls on Nick Young, all faster than you could say “Abdul-Jabbar.”

Now none of those moves were game-changers in and of themselves, but they affirmed one message to Laker Nation: our long national nightmare is over. Johnson is already working to rebuild the franchise’s reputation in the eyes of marquee talents and scheming with new GM Rob Pelinka and the rest of the front office to put the Lakers in a position to realistically and financially be able to acquire that talent. So rival executives best be vigilant of no-look passes zipping by their ears, because it’s Showtime in Los Angeles again.

7. Doc Rivers is perfectly content to run it back again

Another team somewhat surprising in their silence this year was the Los Angeles Clippers, who took a pie to the face last deadline by swinging an eleventh-hour deal for Jeff Green, who played for the team for all of two months, in exchange for Lance Stephenson and a future first-rounder. Welp.

Perhaps the sting of that belly flop of a trade necessitated the exercise of more prudence this time around, but the Clips are in a good spot regardless. Merciful point god Chris Paul is on the verge of an early return from injury, and Blake Griffin has been Hellboy in basketball form since his own return.

While the temptation to gauge themselves against Golden State and panic into a Carmelo Anthony-type deal must have been enormous, there’s intrinsic value in the 2011 Dallas Mavericks model of keeping a nucleus intact for several seasons in the hope that they can eventually break through the glass ceiling. Though the Dubs have all but assured that the ceiling [commander-in-chief voice] just got ten feet higher, it sounds like that’s the conventional wisdom Doc Rivers is going for here.

8. The cavalry is coming behind Russell Westbrook

Those 10,000 “Save The Brodie” shirts I ordered off eBay were not purchased in vain.

Though the loss of Westbrook’s blood sworn dance partner, Cameron Payne, is absolutely devastating (not really), the reinforcements have arrived for our beloved triple-double addict. Doug McDermott will offer Billy Donovan a versatile offensive threat to close games with in those situations where the foul stench of Andre Roberson’s jumper is too much to bear. The addition of veteran forward Taj Gibson should also unlock a number of juicy tall-ball lineups next to Steven Adams in case rookie Domantas Sabonis isn’t ready for the bright lights of the postseason or if Enes Kanter isn’t the same upon returning from his upholstery-related injury.

All things considered, the cost is quite minimal for the Thunder. Joffrey Lauvergne proved to be little more than a 6-foot-11 whoopee cushion in the increased opportunity presented by Kanter’s absence, and Payne is a low-upside option at a position of abundance who simply hasn’t looked serviceable since undergoing foot surgery. With the Thunder only 3.5 games out of a top-four seed in the West, let Westbrook’s piercing battle cry shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness.

9. Is The Process still being trusted?

The trade of Nerlens Noel to Dallas was a bolt from the blue, especially since he had finally appeared to find his calling as a defensive dynamo sixth man for the Sixers. In selling off Noel, a Day One Process OG, is Jerry Colangelo beginning to trample all over the carefully-crafted sandcastle that his predecessor, the Honorable Sam Hinkie, built?

In conjunction with their earlier trade of Ersan Ilyasova to the Atlanta Hawks in exchange for the injured Tiago Splitter and two future second-rounders, Colangelo seems to be presiding over a radical shift in team-building strategy by the Philly front office. Gone are the days of building exclusively through the draft in favor of clearing out roster space and cap room, perhaps to work more closely with the free agency pool in future years.

With that in mind, dealing Noel, who is due for restricted free agency after the season, makes at least a remote inkling of sense, even if it’s still difficult to justify the late 180 of choosing to keep Jahlil Okafor over Noel. So while I can at least somewhat understand why Colangelo pulled the trigger, as a fanatical disciple of the Holy Gospel according to Hinkie, I can never forgive him.

10. Paul George survives the deadline

As it turns out, Larry Bird was just teasing us all along. Though the PG-13 fever dreams abounded from Boston to Los Angeles, George remains with the Pacers through the deadline. It’s an interesting way for Indy to maintain the outward appearance of long-term commitment to the four-time All-Star while also gathering intel as to what his trade value might be over the summer and come next season.

In the end, it stands to reason that the time wasn’t ripe for the picking to move George. The Pacers are still a playoff team and George is under contract through 2018. But as Carmelos and Butlers before us can attest, this by no means symbolizes the death of the rumor mill, for George or other potentially-available stars. So as winter gives way to spring gives way to the playoffs gives way to the summer, there shall be no rest for the weary. Long live the National Basketball Association.

from Larry Brown Sports http://ift.tt/2lvZhIM