#too many shitty bakers out there ruining it for the rest of us

[theamazingannie]

Made a bunch of churros for my brother’s Spanish class and almost nobody ate them. Some even said they were “too fatty”. Bitch, what are you doing in a Spanish class? The spirit of every abuela in Latin America is glaring down at you

[reddesertcolbs]

drunk confessions // colson baker

kind of hate this, kind of don’t at the same time 

requested: yes - using this prompt list.

summary: a very drunk colson calls you whilst you’re in the middle of a date, which is nothing new, asking for you to pick him up and it leads to some drunk truths.  

word count: 2.2k words.

warnings: mention of alcohol and weed, swearing. 

my writing

//

“this food is gorgeous,” smiling up towards the man that’s sitting on the opposite side of the table. picking up some of the pasta onto your fork, popping it into your mouth, chewing the food and swallowing, before looking back up to meet his eyes. “how’s your food?” 

“amazing thanks,” you watch as he puts a forkful of food into his mouth, washing it down with some of the wine that you ordered to the table. “how’s yours?” 

“really good thank you, i’m glad i went for this.” pointing to the pasta dish with your fork, lifting up your own glass of red wine with your free hand and taking a sip. placing the fork back into your hand, you scoop up more of the tomato pasta, shoving it into your mouth.

the loud text tone of your phone that’s sitting in your bag makes you stop the chewing of your pasta, covering your mouth with the back of your hand, as you send him an apologetic look before reaching into your bag to put it on silent. 

“i thought i put this on silent before i came.” you smile at him, pulling the device out of your bag and glancing down as it begins to buzz and ring loudly in your hand. your eyes knit together in confusion, as the name “cols” is on the top of the phone and a picture of him is displayed on the screen. “sorry, i need to take this. could you excuse me for a second?” 

“yeah of course, take all the time you need.” he sends you a polite smile, watching you as you mutter a quick thank you and stand up from the chair, and begin to make your way to the bathroom, accepting the call as you stroll. 

“hey, cols. you okay?” you mutter, opening the door and leaning against the sink, looking around the bathroom and noting it’s empty. 

“y/nnnn,” he drags out the last letter of your name, laughing loudly when you hear shouting from the other side of the phone. “what are you doing right now?” 

“you know what i’m doing,” your brows are still knitted together, chewing your lip in confusion as you have already mentioned your date to the blonde many times. “why is everything okay?” 

“wait, what are you doing?” he questions again. you can hear shuffling around in the background, and you’re still not too sure why he’s calling right now, as he knows you’re on a date. 

“i’m busy, cols. i’m on a date, you know this.” you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose in frustration. pulling the phone away from your ear briefly, you check the time, before parting your lips again. “do you need something? because i need to go.” 

“that must have slipped my mind.” he slurs down the phone. you can hear the smirk in his voice, and you can’t stop your head from shaking in annoyance. “i need you to come and pick me up, i need to go home but i’m too drunk to drive. please y/n.” 

“colson, i can’t. can't you ask slim to get you?” you turn around in the mirror, glancing over your appearance. 

“i can’t, he’s with me. please i’ll pay you, i need you please.” he begs, causing you to shake your head again. 

“this isn’t the first time you’ve called me when i’ve been on a date, colson.” sighing deeply, you bite your lip in frustration. after thinking the situation over, you nod your head, even though he can’t see you, before exhaling loudly, making sure he could hear the annoyance that is present. “fine, you owe me big time. where are you?” 

“thank you, i really appreciate it. i’m in soho, i’ll stand outside so you can see me.” you can hear the smile in the tone of his voice, and you can feel the corner of your lips starting to tug into a smile, but you stop yourself before it can. luckily you have only had one glass of wine, therefore it was safe for you to drive. 

“i’ll be there in five. don’t move.” sighing once more, you end the call and stroll towards the door, swinging it open and walking back to the table with an apologetic grin. 

“hey, i know this is bad timing, but i need to go. something has come up and i need to leave.” you feel shitty, ditching your date so soon, but you’re always going to be there for your friends if they need you. “we can rearrange this if you would like?” 

“it’s fine, don’t worry about it. yeah of course, i’ll text you.” he smiles, standing up from his chair and extending his arms, pulling you in for a quick hug before pulling away. 

“i’m really sorry again.” you give him a soft smile, as you pick up your bag, resting it on your shoulder as you begin to back away. “thank you for tonight, it was nice.” 

“you’re welcome, i’ll see you soon.” he grins, giving you a small wave as you turn around with a smile, walking out of the restaurant and towards your car. 

unlocking your car, you slide into the driver’s seat, placing your bag onto the floor of the passenger’s and turning the ignition on, not before fastening your seatbelt. you begin to make the small drive to soho, where colson is waiting patiently for you. 

pulling up right outside the door, your eyes connect with the tall blonde who is leaning against the wall with a blunt situated in his mouth, as he pushes himself off the wall. jogging slightly, he makes his way around to the passenger’s seat. 

opening the door wide, he sits down in the seat with a huff, throwing the burnt out blunt onto the ground before shutting the door with a smile. 

“hey bestie.” he turns to look at you, eyes heavy and red with a sleepy grin. 

“hey.” you smile wide at him, before beginning to make your way towards colson’s house.

“how was your date?” he asks, leaning forward and cranking the music up loud, drumming along to the tune on the dashboard. 

“it was going great until you decided to call.” you smirk, reaching over to turn the music down, before sighing. “cols, can i ask you something?” 

“sure. you can always ask me anything you know that.” he throws you a smile, then looks down at the fraying thread that’s hanging out of the slit on his knee. 

“why do you always call me when i’m on a date?” you ask softly, your eyes leave the road for a moment and you glance towards him, eyes darting around his face as he brings his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing gently as he looks deep in thought. adverting your eyes from him, you look back onto the road.

“i, erm,” he takes a deep breath, before looking over at you with glossy eyes from the alcohol and weed that he has been smoking. he rests his head against the coolness of the window with a sigh, letting his eyes shut for a moment, then glances over to you. “no reason.” 

“colson.” you pry, not believing his response at all. “come on, be honest with me.” 

“i just don’t like to see you with other guys.” he mutters out too quickly, words slurred from the whiskey he has most likely drank all night. he flicks his eyes from you to the window, whilst clearing his throat as the awkwardness settles in.

“pardon? i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that slower,” chuckling slightly, eyes removing from the empty road ahead of you and over to him with crossed brows, sending him a sheepish grin. “please.”

“fuck,” he mutters to himself, voice low before he repositions himself, sitting up straight and turning his body to face you. “i hate seeing you on dates with other guys when it should be me.” 

“what?” you choke, eyes wide as your head whips to look at him with parted lips. “do you know what you’re saying right now? how much have you had to drink?” 

“it’s fine, just drop it.” he sighs, bringing his hands up to his face and rubbing it gently, exhaling through his nose loudly. 

“no, colson. i can’t drop this now.” you shake your head, pulling up to colson’s driveway and once you park, you turn the ignition off and turn your body to face him, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“i get jealous every time you mention a date because i’m into you.” he looks over at you, eyes dancing around your face as you process his words with your lip between your teeth and eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “and i know i’m drunk, very drunk, but i mean every single word.” 

“cols,” you exhale softly, “why didn’t you just say something earlier?” 

“i didn’t want to ruin our friendship, that’s why i decided not to say anything.” his gaze is on his hands, playing with the large amount of rings that are littered on his fingers, avoiding your eyes that are fixed on him. “plus, i don’t even know if you have any feelings for me either, so yeah. you can just ignore everything i said.” 

“nothing will ever ruin what we have between us, colson.” you smile warmly, trying your hardest to calm the nerves that are visibly radiating off the blonde. “i’m not going to lie to you and say i have a lot of feelings for you, but i can admit that there is something there, between us.” your hands move back and forth, pointing at him and you to help further explain. “and there always will be, you know that, because we’re close friends.” 

“very close,” he adds with a grin, making you roll your eyes at him. the strong bond between the two of you wasn’t new to everyone, the late night cuddles and bed sharing, drunken kisses and many occurrences where one of you would accidentally walk in on the other one when you were butt naked after a shower, or getting ready for the day.

“look, why don’t we talk about this properly tomorrow, when you’re sober?” you inquire, eyes darting around his face as his gaze lingers on his fingers, spinning one of many metal rings around his digit to distract himself. 

“can i pick you up and take you to the diner?” he flicks his attention to you, a hopeful glint glistening in his irises. “i know how much you like it there, especially with me.” 

“of course you can.” smiling brightly, as he brings one hand to rest on top of yours, tugging it towards him and lacing your fingers with his.

“i’ll pick you up at 1pm, don’t be late.” he winks with a cheeky grin, bringing your hand up to his lips and pressing a gentle kiss to the back of your soft hand. “it’s a date.” 

“it’s a date.” you nod in agreement, grinning as he leans over to connect his lips to your cheek, leaving a soft peck to it before sitting back in his chair. 

“thank you for picking me up, you have no idea how grateful i am to have you in my life.” his cheeks turn a light shade of pink once the words leave his mouth, and you’re not sure if it’s from the alcohol and weed that he’s consumed during the night, or if it’s because he’s sharing his genuine feelings with you, something he doesn’t do often with anyone. 

“no need to thank me, it’s what i’m here for,” you give his hand a loving squeeze to show your appreciation for his words, and him, with a small smile. “i’m so grateful to have you in my life too, cols.” 

the blonde can’t wipe the huge smile off his face it’s starting to hurt, your lips mirroring his when he lifts your hand up to his mouth again and places a quick kiss to it. colson wishes your hand was your lips, but he’s going to keep that to himself for the time being, baby steps. 

“right, get out so i can go home,” you tease, turning the key to the ignition, causing the car to roar again. you glance over at him, feeling his eyes watching your every move, and you’re correct once you meet his gaze as soon as your head turns. “i have a date to get ready for.” 

“okay okay, i’m going.” he chuckles, unlinking your hand with his and raising his palms up to show his surrender, making you giggle. “i’ll see you tomorrow, thank you again.” 

“see you tomorrow.” you respond, rolling the window down to the passenger seat once he steps out and shuts the door behind him with a slam. 

“drive safe, give me a text when you get home so i know you made it home in one piece.” he demands, leaning his arms on the window with a warm smile, before pushing himself off it and turning around, strolling to his door. 

you stay parked outside his house, watching his every move to make sure he got in okay, knowing full well how clumsy drunk colson can be. colson gives you a small wave once he opens the door, signalling that it was fine for you to leave now, so you head off into the direction of your home, mind clouded with the tall blonde that you’re very fond of.

request here

[amnachil]

The College Society Chapter 3 Part 2

Did I skip a week ? Yes. Was it on purpose ? No. Will it happen again ? Maybe.

Sorry :s

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey Monday January 21

He tried his best to stay calm. Why would he be mad ? It wasn't something important at all. And he had his cock in Amber's pussy right now. He couldn't be mad. Not before he came. Screw it. I'm mad. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey stood up, enraged.

"What are you doing ?" asked the cheerleader's captain. "We ain't finished yet. You promised me ten orgasm in one go, I got only nine."

"It was before you ruined everything." he replied. "Stupid bitch."

"Don't be vulgar. It makes me hornier."

This fuckin' little scumbag. She dares. He decided to ignore her. He put his briefs and his pants.

"C'mon Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey." she begged with a sweet, touching tone. "I'm sorry if it piss you off, but it's done now."

"You gave to this shitty Theophile your bmw and three tickets for the incoming big musical festival ! I mean, why the fuck ?"

She lowered her eyes. I don't like this. At all.

"Some people think you might be... out of touch with the prey. Look, we all know it had always been easy for you to hunt. And maybe, just maybe you got a bit overconfident and lost some skills."

The Dean's grandson hesitated. Should he strangle her or just beat the shit out of her ? He slowly put his shirt. This asshole, after all the things he did for her.

"There are bets among the hunters." she confessed, a bit scared by his attitude. "Most of us think Theo will win this. But hey, you're still the best in bed. Girls, boys, trans, you're our favorite when it comes to sex."

"You gambled against me." he realised. "That's why you helped Theo. And that's why you're distracting me here. You little dirty toad. I'm not a gigolo you can call when you want."

"To my opinion ? You should withdraw and just enjoy your already well developped sex life. Your pathetic strategy is working too slowly. Did you kiss him once already ? Theo will have him in bed wednesday night, whatever you try."

It was enough. All those stupids jerks thought he wasn't able to win the hunt ? Let's have some fun.

"Who's organizing these bets ?" he asked.

"Obviously Steve. Who else ?"

He left without a response.

When he arrived at the music club, it was running late but they were still playing some dumbshit music. Most of them were off-key, and it sounded horrible. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey waited outside until Steve noticed him. The conductor decided to make a break, and came closer.

"You want something ?"

"Hell yeah. I'm here to make a bet."

"A what ?"

"Don't make yourself dumber than you already are porker. Listen carefully jackass. I'm betting 1000$ that Theophile will just fail like the contemptible shit he is, and I'll catch the prey. Do you understand ?"

Steve blinked, shocked. Stupid pitiful bonehead. You wanted to bet, we're betting.

"Okay..." he eventually whispered. "But I can't tell you who already gambled and..."

"Don't bother cretin. I know them by heart. Theo himself, you of course, Amber, Sam from the Beta Omicron, and the professor Linda Webers, all against me. Archie gambled for me. Am I right ?"

The dumbass's eyes spoke for him. All the greedier and most sutpid hunters, except Archie. The clevers didn't gambled yet. They're too cautious. He was glad to know Summer did nothing yet. The girl might be useful soon to get rid of those hyenas.

Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey then headed straight to his apartment. At the moment, Theo probably had already invited Liam for the festival. And my baboon of a boyfriend said yes, for sure. But what about the third ticket ? Not for Laura, it wouldn't make sense... It's for Nicolas. The fatty roommate. Oh man, this greedy Theo, he wants both of them. The blond lad looked at his phone. Zack had called him twice this evening. He would talk to him later. First, the business. He dialled Nancy number and waited.

"Geek to best dick in the world, what's the matter ?" she answered almost immediately.

She had her own way to communicate. I like it anyway. My cock is one of my favourite subject.

"I need a ticket for the festival of wednesday. I know the sales are off but can you find one ?"

"Of course sir. Send dick pick or butt pick and you'll be fulfilled."

He quickly and gladly sent both. He was still a bit hard from Amber's session, Nancy would like it.

"Nice." she appreciated. "I'm adding those to my collection asap. Damn, now my ceiling is almost covered like my walls. I have too many screen of your body dude."

I wonder what would happen if someone entered her room. It wasn't his problem anyway.

"Okay... I found someone selling his ticket for 250$." she announced after a moment. "Let me see if I can do better. By the way, it seems your ass is getting rounder again."

"Yeah, I overindulged in pastries lately. Long story."

It wasn't much, but Nancy was good to notice small detail.

"Oh, there we are. A moron who wants a revenge against his girlfriend and... whatever, we don't care about the story. Ticket is bought sir. You owe me 100$, but you know how I am, you can pay in kind."

"So nice of you milady. Send the ticket and let's have some fun."

Liam Wednesday January 23

His shrink Ms. Hang and him were on their third session. They hadn't talked much during the previous one. Mostly because he wasn't inclined to. He came only because he liked the couch. And I'll have to go soon, because Nick, Theo and me are going at the festival. He intented to protect his friend, because he knew the ogre was up to something bad.

"Tell me Liam." spoke eventually Ms. Hang. "What are your favorites hobbies ?"

Sleep. Going to the gym. Sleep again. Talk with the unicorns. He didn't answer. (Now that he thought about it, there was another thing he liked lately : make blowout with Dami's bakes). (His boyfriend, even if they never really formalized the thing, was a damn good baker, and cook in general). (They had only three more date after the movie, and each time, Liam ended up stuffed like a turkey).

"You know silent is an answer ?" asked Ms. Hang. "It help me to understand you. And there is a piece of advice I can give you."

"What ?"

"You should act more like your father."

Liam feigned to sleep. I didn't hear, nanana. It was the worst advice he ever heard.

"I don't mean to do the bad things he did." she insisted. "But you sure could use some of his confidence. He's a successful millionaire, known and respected. And you are the complete opposite, a shy, dreamy young adult who flee from his problems. You can learn some stuff from him."

"It's not a good idea." he contradicted. "And I'm sorry, but I need to go."

"Of course. The session is over anyway. But think about it Liam."

He went back at his apartment as fast as possible. And he tried to not think about it at all. Be like his father ? Learn from him ? I'm pretty convinced he's with the forces of evil. I think he and the witch made an alliance to fight us. (By us, Liam meant mainly the unicorns who lived under his bed). Anyway, he changed for more causual clothes, sweatpants and pullover, and then joined Nick.

"I've a bad feeling about this." confessed this one. "I mean, why Theo invited both of us to a music festival ? Where's the catch ?"

Make you eat your content. Kidnap you. Eat you. The ogre probably planned this. But Liam would protect his friend.

"I don't know why I'm asking you. I'm guessing you didn't even realised you put your pullover backwards..."

Theo picked them up in a nice car, and they arrived five minute later. The festival took place in a vast shed and all around. Quickly, they got lost in the crowd. The junior led them towards the center, and bought them food. (Obviously he did). (Greasy, rich food). And they started to dance, and listen to some bands. Nothing seemed to happen, and Liam started to feel reassured. After all, maybe Theo was just nice ? At some point, Nick whispered to his roommate :

"You know, I'm supposed to lose weight but fuck, if Theo keep feeding me like this, I'm gonna burst."

Liam himself had to admit, he had eaten a lot too. (But far less than he could handle).

"Maybe we should go somewhere less noisy to rest a bit." suggested the chestnut lad.

He expected to put some distance between them and the ogre. If we have to run, bloated like we are, it'll be fun to watch. (He pictured to stuffed turkeys running, and it made him laugh). Anyway, they found themselves next to the toilet area.

"Good call buddy." congratulated Nick. "I'll be back."

He entered in one cabin. Liam waited a bit, looking at the crowd. There were spotlight of several colors. People were dancing with ardor. He glanced at what looked like fairies and human-butterfly. (It was a real thing).

"Baboon !"

The lad turned his head. He glimpsed Dami coming closer.

"Dude, I'm calling you for almost ten minutes now." he said once here. "Are you deaf ?"

"Maybe." conceded Liam. "Sometimes I become blind and I can't see. Sometimes I can't hear. I don't know why."

(In truth, it probably was because he just went out of touch with the real world). (Literally in fact).

Dami tried to say something, but suddenly, a girl grabbed him and kissed him with passion. She shouted :

"Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey, where have you been ?!"

And then she kissed him again. For a long, very long time. Liam watched them, a bit surprised. He didn't know how to react properly. She is... Dami tried to do something. His eyes were burning with a mix of anger and surprise.

"Let's finish what we started." continued the girl.

She tried to pull off the boy's pants, apparently ready to do... Liam couldn't stand it. He just ran. Even his slow brain could understand what it meant.

Barbara Thursday January 24

She closed a book with a sigh of relief. Military stuff could be so scary sometimes. But also very instructive. The conquest of power wasn't an easy path, but Barbara was confident. The queen of this college, this Summer, she wouldn't be a problem. Then, she would've to get rid of this abusive king, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey. Not easy, but one thing after another.

"Can you give me the plate ?" asked Jessy. "I'm still hungry."

Yeah, of course she was. Back in highschool, Barbara had saw her grade fall into decadence. Several people became greedy fatties. Even now, she was still wondering if it was Raphaël's doing ? Did he have manipulated people in order to make all his rivals become worthless ? You can't be at the top when you're too fat. People judge you only by your look. A bit of chub was the sign of a weathly life, but too much was just a proof you ain't able to control yourself. If you're not the master of your body and your mind, you can't be the master of the other. Jessy just let herself go for two years now. She wasn't in the race anymore.

"So... are you seriously gonna meet the football team captain today ?" asked Jessy. "When did you became so important ?"

"Well, you know, it just happenned."

"And what about Colton ? You said you would arrange a date between us."

I said it, right. She had planned to find a cover for her since the very beginning of their relationship. When she had met Colton in 12th grade, she knew they weren't meant to be together. Unlike Raphaël, who she never truly understood, he was a simple-minded lad. Since then, she had been searching someone to replace her when the time would come. Because she didn't need him under her feet, and neither his sister, Leila.

"I'll go see him." she assured. "Don't worry, he'll like you."

"I know, everybody likes me."

In your dreams maybe. Barbara just smiled and then left. She had an important appointment after all.

She met Oliver Thompson, the football team's captain, in the library C. He was a man of culture as well as a athlete. He was famous in the university and the town, because his team had managed to go the the national each year since he was captain. That was why Barbara needed him in her side.

"Hi." she greeted and sat in front of him. "Nice to meet you."

"Same."

The lad was tall (187 cm or 6'2") and corpulent. A mix of fat and muscle very imposing. She honestly looked like a tiny little girl in comparison. I'm 151 cm (4'11") and weight around 44kg (97 pounds). Of course I can't impress people with my stature.

"You probably know that I'll be the next head of the student union." she smiled. "I'm gonna make some important change, and first of all, I want to support our most important clubs."

It was the weird thing about this college. Fraternities and sororities weren't as powerful as she thought. Many student didn't even joined them. But activities's clubs were the center of the power. If I control them, I control the university.

"It's nice." admitted Oliver. "Summer's giving us a considerable budget already, but more is always welcome. But sorry, I'm not sure you'll have the real power to do it, even as the head of the student."

"I know what you mean. It depend of the hunters right ?"

The hunters. The women and men who chased for power and sex. As far as I know, they rule the university. Summer is one of them. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey is one of them. I'm one of them.

"Exactly. Trust me, we all know the next general assembly is coming soon for the budget of the second semester. We all want our slice of the cake. But it's the community who prevails. The better hunter you are, the better are you chances."

"Even for me ?"

"Even for you. Maybe you think you'll be head of the student, but you'll have zero power if the community is with Summer. She's good ya know ? As long as the hunters respect her more than you, she still have the power."

Make sense. Barbara thanked the football player, and left, her head full of thought.

The petite blonde then attempted to her lessons. And this evening, she headed towards the pool. She had no interest at all for swimmers. They were only a few and in great majority useless. Especially this bastard, Liam. She hated him with her body and soul. To be honest, she only knew the story from Jessy, but it was enough. The chestnut brown lad had always been a bit weird. It wasn't surprising that he had tried to kill someone eventually. Anyway, she was here for Colton. Her ex-boyfriend had joined the swimming club when she had left him. A bit pathetic to my opinion, but whatever. She glanced him. Sadly, he was with this damn Liam. For a moment, she looked them do lenghts. They were both good. Colton was a bit shorter and thinner. More athletic. Liam was thicker, with a flat but slightly soft stomach. He had quite an ass, she noticed. What am I doing ? I'm not here to covet this dumb guy. Eventually, she decided to come closer.

"Colton." she hailed. "Can we talk ?"

The dark-haired lad glanced at her with a strange look. Next to him, Liam closed his eyes, maybe in order to disappear. But I can see you idiot.

"I won't be long." she assured. "I just want to introduce you to a friend of mine. I think you'll like her, and it could be good for you to be distracted. Why not next week ? I'm only worried for you, of course."

"Okay, I'm fine with it but only if I can bring a friend. Nick for example ?"

"Whoever you wants except Liam."

This latter pouted. Jessy doesn't need to see you. In fact, she might try to kill you if you two meet.

To be continued

Barbara’s pov help us to discover more about both Liam’s past and the hunter community... Where a war is starting. Will Theo surpass Dami ? Or maybe Liam will not fall for either of them. Right now, is main goal is to protect his fattened roommate anyway.

[itsthekidchameleon-blog]

Gronk’s Basement Week 1/2 Recap

WHAT IS UP fellas. Alright so here’s the deal. ESPN ruined it’s platform and I’ve been forced to find a new method for posts. Super unhappy about it. For however many years I’ve been working the same shitty platform, trying to be funny, and it’s worked to some degree. I am all out of sorts now and I am going to try something new. The new platform won’t even allow you to post a video or a link. I think this tumblr is something the kids are using these days so I am giving it a shot. Seems pretty sweet so far. No idea if it will work but let’s give it a whirl.

Before I get into the action, I would like to start off by ranking the 2019 team names. If you did not change the name of your team, you tied for last and I hate you.

KT, Tuck, Ease, Macero, Pickett, hate you all, change your team names.

Tight End Luvr 87 - God I miss Gronk.

Purple Cobras - Doug went with a classic movie team name and I don’t hate it. Doug I hope you walk into every NFL Sunday watching location doing this:

Gronk’s Nation Can’t Hang at CF - Steve, I have absolutely NO fucking clue what is happening here. First, this isn’t Gronk’s Nation, it’s the damn basement. Second, CF? CrossFit? Cumberland Farms? Central Falls? Where you going with this name? Need some explanation, please elaborate.

Nuts on the Table - Great name, if this was 2018. Get a new thing Jmart. Also we all know there’s not enough room on the table for your giant disgusting nuts because you already filled the table with 48 empty beer cans.

Devil Without a Koz - DIGGING THIS ONE! A great reference to a timeless classic by Kid Rock. Is it also a nod to the big G-O-D for welcoming Koz into the family? Now that Koz is Jew-no-more, he’s throwing his Kippah in the air, praising the big guy upstairs and shunning the Devil. Koz, little tip from a lifetime Catholic: You only need to go to church once a year (or just tell people you do) and as long as you donate a little money when you do, you’ll get into heaven. Don’t buy into the every Sunday going to church hoopla.

The Vaginas - Honestly do not know if I love or hate this one. I will cut Branch some slack, he’s had a lot on his plate lately so a new team name was probably the least of his worries. So he did the least creative thing he could do and kept his yearly vaginal efforts on par and named his team, The Vaginas. Such a guru move.

Gay Lords - Govey is gay, Lord Jeff’s, all that stuff. Not giving the rest of the league much to say about him here by just admitting to what we’ve been saying all along. I can appreciate the humility here. Well done Gov.

Now I will jump right into the action with some recaps. I may not get to every game due to time/lack of fuck’s to give.

Week 1

**Jmart vs Hurley - **well here we have an ex-roommate battle. For those of you who don’t know, Jmart and I do not live together anymore. He up and moved to San Diego one day, it was the strangest thing. I came home from work one day and all his shit was gone, and all he left was a note on the kitchen table that said he had to go see about a girl.

At any rate, I refuse to let Lamar Jackson help me to a win for the first time in two weeks (foreshadowing) and started Carson Wentz. Losing Tyreek Hill killed me really. Jmart had a pretty solid outing with 16 points from Steven Gostkowski and 31.6 from the Goat, ultimately beating me by less than 8 points.

Branch vs KT - Well this was an absolute slug fest. Branch had 36.7 from DeSean Watson, Jacobs rumbled for 23.8, and Barkley with 16, but he fell just shy of KT’s performances including 38 from McCaffrey, 33 from Mahomes, and 28.4 from Derrick Henry. KT certainly has some studs on his team and will be a tough out this year. KT notches one in the win column and the GURU one in the W.

Keach vs Koz - This one was not even close. Koz notched his first weekly points prize of $25 throwing up 151.7 with strong performances from Mark Ingram scoring 22.7, his random tight end Mark Andrews who added 20.8, another 30 from Bell and Fournette and Alshon scoring 19.6 to top it off. Keach had strong weeks from Keenan Allen who fucked me all year last year, as well as David Johnson and Emmanuel Sanders, but not too much to show from anyone else including a dud from his kicker.

Govey vs Hammy - Hammy of course took his boy Dak and boy did it pay off as he scored 41.4 week one. Relatively modest weeks from everyone else except Harry Butker who scored 17, Steven racked up 119.6. Govey’s team struggled to get much going with the only notable performances coming from Kamara with 20.4 and Tyrell Williams with 19.5. Look for Govey to make some moves to shake things up!

**Tucker vs Pickett **- Pretty close matchup here with each team having some really down weeks from their QB’s. Cam Newton absolutely is a shell of himself and only scored 5.4 points. Jared Goff struggled across the field from him only gaining 11.4. It was performances from Dalvin Cook and Evan Engram that gave Tuck the win over Pickett here, as Pick’s team struggled to get anything going from anyone but Delanie Walker and Austin Ekeler and Amari Cooper.

Macero vs Easley - Ees, Eeees, I don’t want to butcher your name man is it, Eas-i-lee? Fucking Scal! Anyway this was a low scoring match between one perennial contender and a guy who loves trying to sabotage this league with bad roster moves. Easley’s team got 22.6 from Matty Ice and 15.5 from Damien Williams but not too much from the rest of his NFC dominant team. Macero started Melvin Gordon who doesn’t plan to play till November. I can’t sit here and say it ultimately lost him the game given that although he only lost by 4.5 points, three out of the six options on his bench scored less than that. BUT he did have Sammy Watkins on his bench who scored 42.5 points, but that is what you get when you start players who are not playing.

Thought 1: Fuck I forgot how much work this is.

Thought 2: Really hope this tumblr shit saves and works.

Thought 3: Had a dream last night I was training Carson Wentz in some footwork drills, except he looked like John Mulholland. I love this shit so much I do it in my sleep.

Week 2 - gonna be a bit shorter

Hurley vs Guru - Again, I sat Jackson at QB and it bit me in the ass. Note to self: Start Lamar Jackson. Branch got a modest win with 83.5 points with solid weeks from his Vagina stars Barkley, Brown and Jacobs. My team needs help but I am not panicking yet.

Branch is 1-0, I am 0′for.

**Keach vs KT - **This one wasn’t very close. Mahomes scored 39.6, Tyler Boyd with 17.2, Derrick Henry with another strong week, KT cruised past Keach who rolled with the Baker Mayfield which net him 17. Honorable mentions: Sanders and Chubb totaling 40 points. Keach falls to 0-2, KT is undefeated.

Jmart vs Koz - Koz, love ya buddy and sorry I couldn’t make it to your bachelor party but I will let you know that if I wasn’t in front of my TV wearing my Gronk jersey the Pats D may not have scored 40, which helped you get another $25 weekly points prize. You’re welcome. This was a slaughtering and Mark Andrews once again showed out with 21.2. Jmart had a decent week with 28.7 from the GOAT but just barely broke the 100 point mark. Koz is 2-0, Jmart 1-1.

Tuck vs Macero - Actually a pretty tight game here. Cam Newton once again sucked, and the 26.6 from Dalvin Cook couldn’t help Tuck’s team past Macero, despite Macero losing Brees early on. A strong showing from Odell on Monday night pushed Macero past Tucker here pushing both teams to 1-1.

Govey vs Pickett - Another blowout as Govey is learning why the ‘stache may not have been such a hot pick after all. 18.4 from Rodgers, 13.1 from Tyrell Williams and 13 from the Houston D and Govey barely broke 90 points. Pickett’s team notched 125.4 behing Julio Jones and Austin Ekeler. Pickett is 1-1, Govey is 0-2.

[fairylights101writes]

So @seijouho and I were talking about matsuhanaiwaoi things and I was like “okay, but lemme write some headcanons” aaaaand here we go. The rest are under a read more!

The four moved in together after college (Makki and Oikawa went to the same university while Iwa and Mattsun went to different ones, but they all maintained a long-distance relationship throughout their college years) and with the amount of money they had they went ahead and bought a house - a small fixer upper, but theirs nevertheless

Mattsun landed a job as an editor in the city and writes in his spare time - he often gets inspiration from his boyfriends. Makki is a beauty vlogger and within a year actually managed to get a big following and a couple of sponsors, but he still works in a local coffee shop for extra cash. Iwaizumi is a physical therapist, typically for athletes, and Oikawa is on the professional volleyball team

They don’t always get to spend a lot of time together, but in the beginning it was Mattsun who decided that they needed at least one day a week to spend time all together to relax and make sure everything was okay. That started in the first year of college (typically happened with a group Skype call), and continued at the house. They typically curl up in the living room and watch TV or movies, and they rotate who’s turn it is to pick movies

Sometimes they go on dates though - they’re really fond of picnics and walks at the nearby park, which also has a lake that they can go swimming in when the weather is nice. Mattsun likes to make crowns from dutch clovers for them, which he’ll place on their heads with the sweetest pecks and eskimo kisses, which make the boys (especially Iwaizumi) blush and stutter. Makki is the baker, so he’ll make all sorts of sweet treats for them to eat there (he likes to hand feed them like a dork), and Iwa cooks them food

Oikawa likes to playfully complain because “Haji! Hiro! You’re going to make me gain too much weight with all your good food! Then my coach and trainer are gonna get mad!” They just swat him and tell him to suck it up - plus he never gains the weight he complains about, and they do try to make him nutritious things

Mattsun on the other hand

Mattsun gets a little pudge because he quit playing official team volleyball and instead played with the far less competitive club, rather than the team at university, and after graduating he stopped altogether. Sometimes he feels bad about how he’s put on a little weight, but the other three love him for his extra squish (“Shush Issei, you’re not even that big” “Yeah, you just aren’t ripped like Hajime, but that’s okay, but no one is ripped like Hajime!”)

Oikawa comes home from practices, games, and tournaments with lots of aches, especially in his right shoulder and knee, so Iwaizumi will give him rubdowns and massages (and then the others too so that they aren’t left out). Iwaizumi has “magic hands” according to them, and they pay him back with lots of smooches and hugs

Their best investment though was when they got their custom-made bed two years after moving in. The previous bed was nice, but cramped and hot. The new one though - oh, that was a dream

The bedroom is longer than it is wide, not by much though, and one end has a pretty wide window, and so they had the bed built there so that it spans from wall to wall, and it has a headboard with sliding doors that hide cubbies, which they can put things into (usually lube, condoms, so on). The bed is covered in pillows (no fewer than five normal pillows), a bunch of blankets (themed ones for each too - a volleyball and galaxy one for Oikawa, a Godzilla one for Iwaizumi, flowers for Hanamaki, and dogs for Mattsun). It’s wide enough that they can sprawl out and move so they don’t get overheated at night, which is a blessing, and makes them infinitely more likely to all sleep in the same bed

They can usually find Oikawa napping there after early morning practices, and whoever is free will probably curl up with him (this has led to everyone having numerous pictures of Oikawa sprawled on the bed with at least one other person cuddled up beside of him)

Holiday meals are a riot because they try to fit four sets of parents into one house, as well as assorted siblings and their children, but they manage, and Iwaizumi and the parents always cook enough for an army while Makki and Oikawa’s sister are in the back whipping up all sorts of baked goods for the families

None of them are big on drinking, but sometimes Makki will pour himself a glass or two of wine, turn on some music, and lounge on the couch until someone with some free time comes in. That usually results in slow dancing, even if it’s the complete opposite of slow dancing music. Makki tucks his head into Mattsun and Oikawa’s shoulders, or settles his chin on the top of Iwa’s head, and he’ll hold one hand while he wraps his arm around their waist and holds them close and spins them in slow, lazy circles. Sometimes the other two will come in and stop if they’re home/not working/not tired. Sometimes they join in. If that happens they usually end up changing partners and all drink a little wine, and they end up giggling into kisses and being so, so very happy

On the other hand, Makki still loves to joke and prank, so using his very limited French knowledge from uni, he’ll go up to the others occasionally, purr “I want to touch your baguette,” and grab their crotch. This has led to slapped hands, deadpan stares followed by “are you fucking kidding me?” and, sometimes, actual “baguette” touching

Mattsun is the one who goes out and gets the first pet. Is it a cat? No. A dog? Not even close. A fish???? No - he decided to get a hedgehog, which he called “Iwa”. Oikawa literally fell to the ground laughing when he found out. Hajime sat down and took several long, controlled breaths (secretly because the damn thing was so cute that he was low-key dying). Makki joined Oikawa on the floor, wheezing

Later they ended up with two cats (both long haired and black, much to Oikawa’s grief since he loves to wear white or bright colors). They’re called Alexander (the Great) and Pawley

Makki keeps a garden in the backyard and grows lots of things!! Iwaizumi made fun of him for growing morning glories (“you do realize those are weeds, right?” “Shush, they are beautiful and they are my children!!!” “... right.”), but he also grows roses, sunflowers, and more! The boys tend to get home grown bouquets from him

Iwaizumi likes to curl up on their bed surrounded by pillows and with a cat on either hip (and the hedgehog on his chest) as he catches up on his reading, though he tends to fall asleep like that, and his glasses end up skewed on his face. The others have many pictures of this, and they like waking him up with kisses. Or screaming if Mattsun pile drives Makki onto the bed

Oikawa. Fucking. Tooru. He tries so, so very hard to be romantic, but he tends to miserably fail. Books them a table at a really nice restaurant? Food ends up shitty and kinda ruins their date night, though they make up for it at home. He tries to make them breakfast in bed as thanks for dealing with all his volleyball stuff? Burns half of it, sets off the smoke detector, and ends up waking everyone up on accident. Get them flowers and nice things for the anniversary? The flowers somehow end up broken or wilting before he can get them safely into his boyfriends’ hands. He’s a walking romance disaster, but they love him for it

He also tends to forget anniversaries because he’s always extremely busy with volleyball, and whenever he has to be out of town or the country for tournaments, especially when he makes it to the international/Olympic team, he always ends up crying after he calls them for birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays

Makki and Mattsun 100% walk around the house sometimes with their hands stuck through their shorts, and they’ll come up and grab Oikawa, Iwa, or each other on the ass, which will usually result in a race around the house and lots of laughing

Fixing up the house together, one step at a time. One of the first things to go is the positively atrocious paint job in the bedroom, and they all end up covered in turquoise paint with handprints on their butts and smears on their chests from where they pulled each other in for kisses

Building furniture was somewhat of a fiasco because someone usually tears the directions in frustration and someone else usually accidentally hammers their finger, but all ends well. Eventually. After lots of trial and error. Thank God for Iwa and his higher than average comprehension of putting things together

But he totally fails when it comes to picking things that match. It’s a miracle if he’s not walking out of the house with three different kinds of stripes, and an even bigger one if he picks something on the first try that the others approve of. He just doesn’t understand why he can’t put color X with color Y or design A with design B. But he doesn’t complain too much

Basically they’re just super fucking happy living together in their cozy little fixer upper that they painted a soft pink and filled with lots of plants, and eventually a dog joins the picture, and then a kid, and when a second kid comes into the picture they move into a bigger house, and have their damn happily ever after