#tonystark1d
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stereksecretsanta · 7 years ago
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Merry Christmas, @tonystark1d!
You said you love kidfics and I was like hell-yeah I can do a kidfic and then I wrote this most angsty not-kid-fic. So ummm, yeah. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!
Read on AO3
*****
Putting it on the table
It’s not something Stiles thinks about – until he does of course – and then it’s all he can think about.
Parrish and Helena have a daughter, a beautiful little girl they call Grace – Gracie.
Parrish is older than most of the pack, so it makes sense that he’s getting married while the rest of them are still in college, still spreading their wings (figuratively) and finding their way. Stiles and Derek might have lucked their way into a relationship – something he really hopes will last – but he’s under no illusion that he’s anywhere close to having his life together. He’s certainly not thinking about starting a family.
Grace Parrish is born on Sunday night at 11:03 PM. Two days later the pack gather to welcome another member to their family, an addition to their mismatched pack.
There’s even a chance she could be a werewolf herself what with Helena being one – although Derek says they won’t know until later. They usually start showing signs about two years of age.
Helena had a home birth – werewolves don’t go well in hospitals for the most part – and it was an uncomplicated birth thankfully. When the pack comes round to visit Helena and meet Gracie, Helena’s lying on her bed. Parrish is on her left, sitting on the bed with an arm wrapped around her, and Derek takes the chair next to the bed on the other side. As soon as he sits down he reaches out a hand to rest on her arm. Stiles can see the black leaching up his arm which means he’s taking some of her pain. Just one of the perks of being a werewolf – or of having a nice alpha.
When Gracie wakes Parrish picks her up from the bassinet, before passing her over to Helena. The pack continue to chat as she feeds her, before Parrish – and maybe they should actually call him Jordan now that there’s three of them – takes Gracie to burp and change. When Parrish returns he passes smaller, cuter Parrish to Derek.
Sitting next to Derek, Stiles peers over Derek’s shoulder to take a look at Gracie. He’s more than a little worried about holding her. If they pass her round clockwise Stiles is next in line for Gracie and he is not sure that anyone should trust him with something as fragile as a baby that’s only just a couple of days old.
Whereas Derek holds her with a comfort that can’t be faked. It’s something he’s seen before – when he and Scott used to hang around the hospital during summer they’d run into new mothers and family in the garden all the time. You could always tell the seasoned mothers – they held their babies with a practised ease.
Derek holds Gracie with that ease.
When he drags his attention from Gracie to look at Derek it takes his breath away.
Derek is looking down at Gracie with such affection – and he has a small smile in his face. When Gracie looks up at him he pulls a face at her. Her little hands and legs kick out, and Derek takes his hand not supporting Gracie and catches her little fist with his finger, her tiny little fingers wrapping around Derek’s index finger and Stiles almost chokes out a sob at the sight of that.
It’s easily one of the cutest things he’s ever seen. He feels an honest to god pang in his chest – a physical pain which he didn’t think was possible.
The line from The Grinch pops into his head – his small heart grew three sizes that day .
When Gracie is passed to Stiles she hangs onto Derek’s finger like it’s a lifeline, and Derek has to gently unwrap her tiny blotchy fingers – complete with tiny little fingernails – from his finger, and even then she immediately tries to close her fingers back around the now absent space, but fingers instead closing into a fist when there’s only air.
It’s less than half a minute before Gracie scrunches her face up, taking a deep breath and demonstrating her masterful use of her new lungs to the room.
When Stiles was 10, his mom passed away.
As a kid, it had been a pretty defining moment. He sorts his childhood into pre-mom and post-mom. And he and his dad did their best – he never doubted how much his dad loved him and did everything he could for Stiles. But he also knew how much his dad had been lost after mom’s death.
He knew how lost he’d been as a kid after mom’s death.
While he might not have really understood it all, 10 year old Stiles had made a promise then that he’d never leave his own kid behind like he had been.
“I’m never going to have kids.” He’d informed Scott solemnly.
“Uh okay,” Scott had said, turning to look at Stiles, “I want to have, like, five.”
“Okay,” Stiles agreed, “I’ll be the best uncle to them ever.”
And that had been that. Later Stiles had found out that what his mom had was genetic, and it only solidified his decision to stay kidless.
He’d never really considered re-thinking that.
Until now.
The thing is, once he sees it, it’s impossible to unsee. He sees it everywhere.
He sees Derek goofing around with the kids at Beacon Hills fair. He sees Derek pick up the four year old daughter of one of his coworkers – swinging her up onto his shoulders and running along to make her laugh. He sees Derek take Gracie so that Helena and Jordan can finish their meals in peace for once.
He’s not stupid – he knows that being good with kids doesn’t mean you necessarily want kids. But there’s something about the way Derek holds Gracie, smiles at the kids, and has honest to god patience with them that leaves Stiles reeling.
He’s also not entirely comfortable with the way it tugs in his chest every time he sees Derek interacting with kids.
He thinks if they were any other couple this would be when they bring it up. But Derek is as discussion adverse and emotionally constipated as they come and Stiles doesn’t feel like he’s much better. So he does the more reasonable thing – he researches.
For the most part, he strikes out. Parrish agrees with him that Derek is good with Gracie – and in that exhausted tone that he constantly has now, but he also sounds appreciative. Lydia says ‘that man had a God-given duty to reproduce’. Isaac scrunches up his nose at the question and Stiles assumes that because children are just too dirty and grabby for Isaac – wouldn’t want to dirty those designer scarves he loves.
It’s Cora who provides him with the most important information.
“Oh yeah,” she says when asked if Derek would be a good parent, “Derek always wanted kids. And he used to look after all the kids in our pack when we were together. They loved him.” She scrunches up her face before adding, “It was so annoying.”
It shouldn’t surprise him – especially considering the fact that he’s asking this question in the first place – but it does. His brain struggles to catch up to that, trying to imagine teenage Derek – that Derek he’d met once who had been so angry and hurt – looking after kids. Playing with them and probably doing all the other things for them like feeding and fixing their scrapes and Stiles just can’t catch up to that.
His face must be displaying his confusion because Cora gives him a strange look.
“Really?” He asks, and when Cora just raises an eyebrow at him, he continues, “I just – I wouldn’t have expected that.”
Cora’s face softens at the words.
“Yeah,” she agrees softly, “I can understand why.”
His chest feels like it’s being squeezed, and he can feel the tears pricking at his eyes. The last thing he wants to do is cry, especially not in front of Cora. He makes an excuse about needing to get another drink, standing up to go back inside and leave Cora outside on her own.
“Stiles,” she calls softly when he’s already standing and taken a few steps toward safety. He steels himself for more and turns around to look at her, “I uh – I think that person is still in there. In Derek. He’s still that person, he just… buried it deep after the fire.” She shrugs her shoulders, her face as sad as Stiles has ever seen it before. “You know what he’s like.”
“Yeah, I do,” he agrees sadly, before making his escape.
He wants to bring it up with Derek – he does. But there’s a whole host of reasons why he doesn’t. They’ve been dating a couple of years – Stiles isn’t sure if they’re ready for that conversation yet. There’s his own uncertainty about where he stands on the issue.
And then there’s the multitude of issues which all fall under ‘Derek’s past’.
Stiles knows there’s a lot of pain locked behind the door which hides Derek’s past. The things he knows he’s either found out by snoopinginvestigating, chance, or by guessing.
He can count on one hand the things Derek has willingly disclosed to Stiles about his past – either pre or post fire. Confessions required to deal with life or death situations definitely do not count .
It’s something Stiles tries to respect. He’s not the most forthcoming himself at times so he’s not one to judge. Derek lets him deflect topics or questions with smart ass comments and sarcasm though and it’s the least he can do is allow Derek the same.
But he wants to bring it up. He just needs to tackle it sensitively. He can do that.
Stiles tries. He really does. He picks a day that he gets off early, he makes Derek his signature jalapeno mac n cheese which Derek loves . They eat dinner at the table like Derek loves to and when they sit on the couch and turn onto reruns of Supernatural Stiles slides down onto his knees, intent on blowing Derek before he tries to have the conversation.
He figures a bit of a post-orgasm high won’t hurt the conversation.
Derek blows it all to hell of course by grabbing his searching fingers pulling them up so that Stiles has to sit up taller on his knees and asking, “what do you want Stiles?”
“Can’t I just want to spoil my boyfriend?” He responds – which isn’t an answer, but it’s also not a lie. He’s been around werewolves enough to learn the art of the dodge.
Except Derek knows that move too, and he furrows his brow at Stiles and nope, nope that was not part of the plan – Derek was never meant to get grumpy.
Stiles jumps in before Derek can say anything about it.
“Okay, there’s something. Something I wanted to talk about and I want you to remember that I tried to make this conversation better by blowing you first and that was your decision.”
Stiles sighs, pulling his hands from Derek’s and standing up to move back to the couch beside Derek. He sits back into the corner, angling himself to be looking at Derek without having to turn his head to the side.
He’d planned this part out – has rehearsed this conversation in the shower every time he was in there for the last week. But now in the moment, he can’t think of the words to say.
Derek’s still looking at him, and his face is only growing more concerned – he can feel his heart beating a fast staccato in his chest and that would be broadcasting his rising anxiety at the thought of tackling this conversation.
He decides to just go for it. All in. Balls to the wall and all that.
“Do you want kids?”
Something flashes across Derek’s face – faster than Stiles can catch it and then it’s gone. Derek’s face morphs into his neutral face, the one he wears at pack meetings while he’s waiting people out or negotiations and if anything it’s even worse than his concerned face. This is the unknown.
He races to continue – hoping that his next words will give him a reaction – something.
“Because you’re really good with them. I’ve seen you with Gracie and with the kids in town. And I just... like… I wanted to ask.”
Derek doesn’t respond at first, but Stiles waits him out. Sometimes Derek just needs a moment and Stiles doesn’t want to pressure him. He just watches and waits – watching for a response – any response.
Which, when it does come isn’t the response Stiles is expecting or wanting.
“Do you want kids Stiles?” Derek asks, his face still unreadable.
Stiles wouldn’t lie even if he could get away with it.
“I don’t know,” Stiles admits, “I never really thought about it before. But I… ummm… I think I might. Or I could.” Stiles takes a deep breath, and asks again, “do you want kids Derek?”
Derek exhales heavily – closing his eyes and leaning back against the couch.
“I used to,” Derek says softly, “when I was younger. But I haven’t thought about it for a long time.”
“Why not?”
“My whole family is dead Stiles. For a long time, I thought I didn’t deserve another family.”
“Derek–” Stiles goes to object but Derek cuts him off.
“And, I don’t think I could deal with losing them again. If I lost my family again I–” Derek opens his eyes to look at Stiles, pinning him with his gaze, all the emotion which had been absent earlier now clear in his eyes. “I couldn’t do that again.”
Derek’s voice cracks on the words and Stiles feels like his heart cracks along with it. Stiles pushes forward throwing his arms around Derek’s shoulders and pulling Derek in as tight as he can. It’s only a moment before Derek returns the gesture, wrapping his arms around Stiles and coming to rest on his back.
“You know we’re your family, too, right?”
There’s no response for a moment until Stiles feels the movement at his shoulder, feels Derek’s nod as it ruffles his hair.
They both find it easier sometimes when they’re not looking at each other to say the things they need to say. Sometimes they go up into their bedroom and turn off the lights, just lie next to each other and have the hard conversations.
This isn’t exactly the same, but it still does the job.
“We’re your family and we’d do everything it takes to keep our family safe.”
Stiles rubs small circles into Derek’s shoulder.
“And if one day that family involves our children, then we’ll do our best to keep them safe too. You know that’s not – it doesn’t mean – we can’t protect them from everything.”
Stiles pulls away from Derek, pulling back to look into Derek’s eyes.
“But we’ll do our fucking best.” Stiles takes a deep breath, before continuing, “For what it’s worth, I think, one day, if you want it, you’d make an amazing parent Derek. Not now, like I am one hundred percent not ready for that now. But, you know, one day.”
Derek leans forward resting his head on Stiles’ shoulder.
“You don’t have to decide now, you don’t even have to say anything. We’ll table this now, but just, you know, if you ever do want to have that conversation. Just say the word.”
Derek nods his head against Stiles shoulder.
“Yeah,” he mumbles, breath warm against Stiles’ shoulder. “Thanks Stiles.”
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stereksecretsanta · 7 years ago
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The Sterek Secret Santa - 2017 - The Big Reveal
That’s it for another year my loves! Hope you all had a fabulous Holiday Weekend & that each and everyone of you enjoyed all the Sterek-y goodness!
A special, warm THANK YOU to the following amazing darlings: theydraggedmein, hosio, aredblush, mad-madam-m, candybarrnerd, andavs, vanessawolfie, bitacrytic, gryvon, serenelystrange, menqlu, areiton, hetaliaanimegirl, whatthehellisahoechlin, rightsidethru, neaislove, marauder-mischief, pororeindeer and thisnewjoe. I couldn’t have pulled this off without you guys! You have my everlasting gratitude. 
And THANK YOU for everyone that heeded my cry for help, the response was quite overwhelming and sorry I didn’t reply to everyone, but I was still busy queueing gifts at the same time too and had to celebrate Christmas xD
If you’d like, you can still add your works to the AO3 Collection! You can even add works of the previous editions here :) You can also repost your gift(s) to your own Tumblrs now, of course!
If Sterek truly is Eternal, will I see you all back next year? :)
-xoxo Leonie (leetje)
*****
And here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for…… the list of Secret Santas!
Most of you know the drill by now, yes? :) The list is in alphabetical order. The easiest way to find whom your secret santa was, is by hitting Crl+F and then search for your own Tumblr name :D
adventures-in-mangaland was heavy—cream’s secret santa - gift(s) here
aflailureandamasterpiece was caffeine-in-an-iv’s secret santa - gift(s) here
andavs was be-happy-every-day-please’s secret santa - gift(s) here
andavs was herewegohappiness’ secret santa - gift(s) here
annoyinglycute was bibliophile246’s secret santa - gift(s) here
anyberry was thisnewjoe’s secret santa - gift(s) here
aqua-ref was captainpettie’s secret santa - gift(s) here
aredblush was idk-words’s secret santa - gift(s) here
aredblush was rightsidethru’s secret santa - gift(s) here
areiton was gswritings’ secret santa - gift(s) here
areiton was nonbinary-kurt-wagner’s secret santa - gift(s) here
artandphotograph was dontgostakinmyheart’s secret santa - gift(s) here
azurarainstuff was annoyinglycute’s secret santa - gift(s) here
beerwolves was andavs’ secret santa - gift(s) here
bibliophile246 was theonewiththeeyebrows’ secret santa - gift(s) here
bitacrytic was damnfancyscotch’s secret santa - gift(s) here
bitacrytic was squishysterek’s secret santa - gift(s) here
blizgori was scales-not-skin’s secret santa - gift(s) here
caffeine-in-an-iv was quaterdenarius​’ secret santa - gift(s) here
candybarrnerd was theydraggedmein’s secret santa - gift(s) here
candybarrnerd was tonystark1d’s secret santa - gift(s) here
captainpettie was simplyn2deep’s secret santa - gift(s) here
classy2shoes was kaistrex’ secret santa - gift(s) here
cryptomoon was neaislove’s secret santa - gift(s) here
damnfancyscotch was fear-frost’s secret santa - gift(s) here
divinexstiles was awolfinitaly’s secret santa - gift(s) here
dontgostakinmyheart was artandphotograph’s secret santa - gift(s) here
do-what-the-knight-tells-queue was likewiselupin’s secret santa - gift(s) here
fandom-madnessess was marauder-mischief’s secret santa - gift(s) here
fear-frost was idleafterthoughts’ secret santa - gift(s) here
foolishsel was merlshmallow’s secret santa - gift(s) here
freakingmeout was jewicer’s secret santa - gift(s) here
froggydarren was cryptomoon’s secret santa - gift(s) here
frogsandboxes was kaidarknight’s secret santa - gift(s) here
go-n-ef was serenelystrange’s secret santa - gift(s) here
goodoceangonewrong was lacrimadraconis’ secret santa - gift(s) here
gryvon was haletostilinski’s secret santa - gift(s) here
gryvon was lover95’s secret santa - gift(s) here
gswritings was mynuet’s secret santa - gift(s) here
hales-republic was gryvon’s secret santa - gift(s) here
haletostilinski was hosio’s secret santa - gift(s) here
hannars97 was princessabitchessa’s secret santa - gift(s) here
happynglad was adventures-in-mangaland’s secret santa - gift(s) here
hazytuesday was cobrakaisback’s secret santa - gift(s) here
heavy—cream was writerdragonfly’s secret santa - gift(s) here
herewegohappiness was aredblush’s secret santa - gift(s) here
hetaliaanimegirl was missisjoker’s secret santa - gift(s) here
hetaliaanimegirl was peanutbutter-jelly-fish’s secret santa - gift(s) here
hosio was beerwolves’ secret santa - gift(s) here
hosio was whatthehellisahoechlin’s secret santa - gift(s) here
hotaruyuki was thetheoryofaqueer’s secret santa - gift(s) here
idk-words was mad-madam-m’s secret santa - gift(s) here
idleafterthoughts was areiton’s secret santa - gift(s) here
immortal-sterek was mophasia’s secret santa - gift(s) here
inatshej was kevaaronday’s secret santa - gift(s) here
jadorehale was blizgori’s secret santa - gift(s) here
jewicer was s-horne’s secret santa - gift(s) here
jungleride was evetessmachr’s secret santa - gift(s) here
kaidarknight was frogsandboxes’ secret santa - gift(s) here
kaistrex was welshwoman1988’s secret santa - gift(s) here
kaneshirotakeshi was synoaponga’s secret santa - gift(s) here
kevaaronday was pororeindeer’s secret santa - gift(s) here
kittylovessterek was mermaid-reyes’ secret santa - gift(s) here
knownonsense8 was hetaliaanimegirl secret santa - gift(s) here
leothestoryofmylife was not-so-harmonious’ secret santa - gift(s) here
leslieknopeismyshiningstar was leothestoryofmylife’s secret santa - gift(s) here
likewiselupin was leslieknopeismyshiningstar’s secret santa - gift(s) here
lover95 was substanceofmysoul’s secret santa - gift(s) here
lunastories was ohhalenostilinski’s secret santa - gift(s) here
mad-madam-m was comedicdrama’s secret santa - gift(s) here
mad-madam-m was potrix-the-queerschlaeger’s secret santa - gift(s) here
marauder-mischief was hotaruyuki’s secret santa - gift(s) here
marauder-mischief was sydburf’s secret santa - gift(s) here
menqlu was foolishsel’s secret santa - gift(s) here
menqlu was vanessawolfie secret santa - gift(s) here
merlshmallow was lunastories’ secret santa - gift(s) here
mermaid-reyes was anyberry’s secret santa - gift(s) here
missisjoker was thepsychicclam’s secret santa - gift(s) here
mophasia was aqua-ref’s secret santa - gift(s) here
mynuet was rubyredhoodling’s secret santa - gift(s) here
nbstilinski was aflailureandamasterpiece’s secret santa - gift(s) here
neaislove was classy2shoes’ secret santa - gift(s) here
neaislove was do-what-the-knight-tells-queue’s secret santa - gift(s) here
ohhalenostilinski was bitacrytic’s secret santa - gift(s) here
peanutbutter-jelly-fish was menqlu’s secret santa - gift(s) here
poetry-protest-pornography was cats4stiles’ secret santa - gift(s) here
pororeindeer was stacinadia’s secret santa - gift(s) here
pororeindeer was stilinski-sourwolf’s secret santa - gift(s) here
potrix-the-queerschlaeger was jadorehale’s secret santa - gift(s) here
pseudoapollonian was knownonsense8’s secret santa - gift(s) here
quaterdenarius was theproblemwithstardust’s secret santa - gift(s) here
rightsidethru was hannars97’s secret santa - gift(s) here
rightsidethru was lucifers-lawyer’s secret santa - gift(s) here
ritarmandi was kittylovessterek’s secret santa - gift(s) here
rubyredhoodling was scientificallyfrostedtrenchcoat’s secret santa - gift(s) here
scales-not-skin was immortal-sterek’s secret santa - gift(s) here
serenelystrange was daddy–oreo’s secret santa - gift(s) here
serenelystrange was froggydarren’s secret santa - gift(s) here
s-horne was happynglad’s secret santa - gift(s) here
simplyn2deep was whenpushkincomestoshove’s secret santa - gift(s) here
squishysterek was nbstilinski’s secret santa - gift(s) here
stacinadia was whitewolvesandtulips’ secret santa - gift(s) here
stilinski-sourwolf was goodoceangonewrong’s secret santa - gift(s) here
sydburf was fandom-madnesses’ secret santa - gift(s) here
synoaponga was ritarmandi’s secret santa - gift(s) here
theonewiththeeyebrows was go-n-ef’s secret santa - gift(s) here
theproblemwithstardust was pseudoapollonian’s secret santa - gift(s) here
thepsychicclam was divinexstiles’s secret santa - gift(s) here
thetheoryofaqueer was infectedcolors’ secret santa - gift(s) here
theydraggedmein was azurarainstuff’s secret santa - gift(s) here
theydraggedmein was dollycravee’s secret santa - gift(s) here
thisnewjoe was kaneshirotakeshi’s secret santa - gift(s) here
thisnewjoe was poetry-protest-pornography’s secret santa - gift(s) here
tonystark1d was hazytuesday’s secret santa - gift(s) here
vanessawolfie was freakingmeout’s secret santa - gift(s) here
vanessawolfie was hales-republic’s secret santa - gift(s) here
welshwoman1988 was wolvesofinnistrad’s secret santa - gift(s) here
whatthehellisahoechlin was jungleride’s secret santa - gift(s) here
whatthehellisahoechlin was leiorossi’s secret santa - gift(s) here
whenpushkincomestoshove was candybarrnerd’s secret santa - gift(s) here
wolvesofinnistrad was jeangvrey’s secret santa - gift(s) here
writerdragonfly was inatshej’s secret santa - gift(s) here
Let me know if I mucked up any names/html or if you’re missing entirely. As usual, I kind of zoned out a few times while coding this list 8-)
Now go forth and smother your Secret Santa in lots of loving for your Stereky Gift(s)!
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