#tomybubba

[tomybubba]

though I know you’ll never find this, I’ve decided to leave you in 2024.

I am going to move on, because the disrespect you showed me made me realize how you’ve manipulated me for years on me to forgive and dismiss your behaviour and still love you naively. and more so, it made me realize how little you actually cared about me.

so I hope she treats you and loves you in all the ways my love couldn’t, but I hope it haunts you and the day you see it happen to your own daughter and she’s heartbroken over a guy who did exactly what you did, I hope it pains you and I leave a scar so deep in your mind that you never can truly escape it no matter what you do.

goodbye C.

yours truly,

f

yeah eventually 2043, someone’s gonna hurt your little girl like you hurt me

[tomybubba]

i wish I had been enough for you to want to fight for us

[tomybubba]

i didn’t want you to become a stranger to me.

[tomybubba]

today would’ve been our three year anniversary,

instead it’s just a reminder that we became strangers to each other again.

how did we end up here?

[tomybubba]

if you ever come back, I hope you remember that one of my favourite movies of all time is Lilo and Stitch, my favourite flower is a hibiscus, and that our first date (i hope) is stargazing and sleeping on your car hood so that we can wake up to go on a morning hike to catch the sunrise from your favourite trail. i'll always save my stargazing virginity for you.

[tomybubba]

i love you doesn't even encompass how much i truly love you, but it suffices.

[tomybubba]

the door is always open for you, my love. you'll always have a place in me and no matter how long it might take for you to come home, the door will be the same as you left it, the same colour, the same build, the locks haven't changed, and the light on the porch is always on.

you'll always be home to me.

[tomybubba]

i'll always ask the universe to be nice to you, even if it means giving me a hell of a time

[tomybubba]

you promised me you wouldn’t leave without a proper goodbye

why didn’t you keep your promise?

[tomybubba]

why is it so easy for you to go back to her but so hard for you to try and work things out between us?

[tomybubba]

its my birthday today, the first one without you, my love. i really hope you say happy birthday to me.

you probably wont, but i wish you prove me wrong.

i'll blow out the candles with one sole wish that you came back and we can start over again.

happy lonely birthday to me

[tomybubba]

March 17th, 2024

Dear C,

hi bubba. it's been a while, hasn't it? i wanted to keep writing to you but I was scared that you weren't gonna want me back

i haven't gotten a text from you in three weeks, and it makes it scarier and harder because for the first time, I'm scared that you didn't follow through with your promises and that I'm actually screwed. the promises that if we ever lost our spark, we'd work on getting it back, that you'd always be here for me and that I'll always be yours, that you wouldn't ghost me.

one thing i always regretted was the fact that my friends showed me the thing, that it came up. i feel like because of that, you had a change in your heart towards me. or perhaps the reaction I had turned you off. regardless, I wish we had worked it out.

i wish you had told me you wanted to go no contact.

i went to my last uni formal yesterday, and all I could think about was you, how i wanted you to be there, dancing with me. i looked at the dance floors and saw all the couples, and all I could think about was our plan to dress up like we would've for prom and dance even though we both have no clue how to dance. all the couples in the photobooth made me want to cry because all I could think about was doing that with you. i wish i could've shown the world how amazing of a person I had in my life, how I had a bubba that made me feel like I was enough and that I was a princess. i wish i could've shown the man who is truly the most perfect person in the world, and I wish I had loved you publicly and shown the world that you are the one.

my friends have been trying to make me move on, they say that I can't stay hung up over you and love someone who never wanted me or loved me, or that I'm wasting my time on someone who's a dick. perhaps that's true, but they also have no clue because they never loved you or got to know you the way I did.

i'm starting to accept the fact that maybe you won't say happy birthday to me this year, but still hanging onto the slightest hope that you do. I'll understand if you won't though. I'll cry about it like I do every night, but I'll still understand and I won't ever hate you at all. I could never hate you.

i love you so so much C, so much. I know I must be the annoying ex who can't take a hint, but i'm scared that if I don't say it, no one will. I love you forever and always my love, my love for you is infinite bubba. I'll be right here, waiting in our little home we built for 2.5 years with a cup of hot cocoa ready for you, whether you're the old you or new you.

yours and yours only,

F

[tomybubba]

they say life waits for no one. but i'd wait an entire lifetime and every one afterwards for you

[tomybubba]

Wishing you godspeed, glory There will be mountains you won't move Still I'll always be there for you How I do I let go of my claim on you It's a free world You look down on where you came from sometimes But you'll have this place to call home always - Godspeed, Frank Ocean

[tomybubba]

Jan. 28th, 2024

Dear C,

This blog is dedicated to you bubba. I know you don't want to commit to anything anymore, and I respect that and will always respect you and your decision if it'll make you happy. I can't let you go though, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me and I can't give that up just yet. I don't think I can anytime soon.

I hope you can read through these and remember that no matter where you are in life, who you are now, or even who you're with, I'm always with you in spirit. I'll always be cheering you on as your biggest fan and I'll always love you so incredibly much.

I'll keep waiting for the day we can finally meet and have that morning hike you wanted to take me on. We can finally lay under the night sky, looking at the stars and talking about our future like we have a clue, and sleep in each other's arms. I'll keep waiting for the day we can do all the things we talked about, explicit or not, and I promise I'll tolerate the smell of your weed even if it repulses me at first.

I'll keep waiting for the day I can meet your family, and you can finally meet mine. I promise no matter how much they might be against us, I'll still be on your side and we can make it work. I'll keep waiting for the day you become mine again because I'll always be yours in every universe. I'll always be the moon to your sun, the stars to your universe, the cat to your dog.

I love you so much C. I wish I could let the world know.

Yours and yours only,

F

[tomybubba]

i miss you c, the world has had this grey filter casted over it ever since everything went down.

life was technicolour with you