#tomorrow. because right now I have no idea my cells are just whining in distress like hummingbird wings trying to keep me upright

[vaguely-concerned]

I.... wrote so many words of the wigmaker job reread analysis today. what the actual fuck

[polaroid15]

With Great Power...

Chapter Three: With great power comes a great inability to sleep

Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30579050/chapters/75545900

TW: panic attacks

------

As requested by Peter, Tony parks two blocks away from the school lot.

He idles his car and waits for the kid to appear with a careful eye in the rearview mirror. It’s just shy of five o’clock. Peter should be out of decathlon by now. His fingers itch to reach for his phone, to send the kid a flurry of texts until he materializes and puts him out of his low patience torture.

But with a righteous amount of self-control, he refrains. After what seems like decades Peter appears at the passenger door. He raps his knuckles against the window before slipping inside. Tony smiles at this, a warm fondness growing in his chest.

“Did you just knock on my car?”

Peter freezes in the middle of securing his seatbelt. “Uh, yeah? It’s polite.”

“Last week you and Thor had a competition to see who could down a two liter of Diet Coke the fastest.”

Lips quirking, Peter shrugs. “Your point?”

“That wasn’t very polite.”

“I won, didn’t I?”

“You sure did kiddo.”

Peter finishes buckling his seatbelt and shoves his heavy backpack down between his legs. The setting sun shines through the windshield into his eyes and Peter winces against it, reaching up to shield them. His hand shakes in the air and Tony’s eyes narrow in suspicion. “You alright kid?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah Mr. Stark. Totally. Long day is all.”

Unconvinced, Tony peels out onto the road. “Yeah? And why’s that?”

Sighing dramatically, Peter settles further into his seat. “I patrolled before school. Stopped a mugging. That was cool I guess. Then I took a couple exams. Decathlon, obviously. Oh, and I totally failed the beep test in gym-”

Tony raises a brow. “You failed the beep test?”

“On purpose!”

“Why the hell would you fail a test on purpose?”

“Because Peter Parker isn’t exactly a track star, Mr. Stark.”

God, this kid. Tony hopes the admiration doesn’t show on his face. “I see.”

“Anyways,” Peter plows on, caught in a yawn. “How was your day?”

“Oh, you know. The usual.”

“That’s a terrible answer.”

“Well it’s the one you’re getting.”

Peter scoffs. His eyes droop against the gentle rumble of the car. “You’re just as bad as Happy.”

“I’m telling him you said that.”

Peter only smiles in response, eyes closing all the way. Tony lets the silence sit. He’s read enough of Karen’s reports to know that the kid hasn’t been sleeping well.

And good god can he relate.

They only make it through three Black Sabbath songs before Peter’s head dips down towards his chest. The momentum must shock him back into the waking world because he gasps, flailing out and landing one hand on Tony's arm and the other on the window. Immediately flushing, Peter yanks his limbs back into his chest. “Sorry,” he murmurs.

“You can sleep. It’s okay kiddo.”

“No,” Peter says all too quickly. A chord of worry strikes in Tony’s chest. “I mean, I shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be polite.”

“Pete, if you say that word one more time I swear I’ll set DUM-E on you.”

“Polite, polite, polite, polite-”

Something floods in Tony’s chest. It feels as if he’s being warmed from the inside out and for a moment, his concern for Peter’s health takes a place on his mind’s backburner. He cracks a smile. “Be sure to remember this moment Pete. You asked for it.”

-----

“Dr. Banner!” Peter drops his backpack heavily on the ground, skipping and stumbling into the lab and towards the man in question. Bruce is sitting in front of a laptop, the buttons on his shirt secured incorrectly and glasses sitting crooked on his nose. He smiles widely when he sees them. “Hey Peter. Tony said to expect you. How’ve you been?”

“Oh you know,” Peter says, giving Tony a pointed look, “the usual.”

Tony snorts as Peter pulls up a chair beside Bruce, propping his chin up on his hands and staring intently at the screen. After a few seconds his eyes light up. “No way! Is this skin-cell regeneration technology?”

Looking surprised, Bruce nods. “How did you-”

“He’s a smart cookie,” Tony interjects, walking up behind them and ruffling Peter’s hair. Peter swats him away, though he’s smiling.

“Is this what you and Mr. Stark are presenting tomorrow? At the conference?”

“Yep. Though procrastination hasn’t really done us any favours-”

“I’ll help!” Peter blurts.

Bruce looks to Tony like he’s a parent to grant permission. Trying to ignore the implications behind it, Tony concedes with a grin. “Oh what the hell. Where do we start?”

“Yes!”

----

The hours blur and melt together. So engrossed in their project, Tony doesn’t really notice Peter losing steam until he’s gripping the counter so tightly Tony knows it can only be to keep himself steady. Only now does he see the deep rings of purple under the kid’s eyes.

The nagging in the back of his mind pulls harder but he lets it go. Peter is running Bruce through a genius theory on how to approach increased somatic cell growth that he would be an idiot to interrupt. Not for the first time, watching Peter work is like looking at a mirror image of his younger self, fresh-faced and enthusiastic at MIT. It’s enough to distract him, a small smile morphing his exhaustion into something softer.

Piggybacking off Peter’s ideas, Bruce proposes his own theory concerning the role of red blood cells and Tony loses track of time in his own contributions. The next time he comes back to himself it’s nearly two in the morning.

And Peter looks dead on his feet.

Bruce must notice when Tony does because he closes the laptop, though with some reluctance. “Well then. There’s history. Or, the start of it at least.”

Laughing softly, Peter rubs at his eyes. He sways and Tony resists the urge to grab him. Bruce stands and squeezes Tony’s shoulder. “He’s a good kid,” he says quietly, privately. Then, louder, “see you both tomorrow.”

And he leaves.

For a moment him and Peter simply stand in silence, relishing in the exhausted high of their scientific breakthrough. Then Peter yawns and it snaps Tony into action. He uses one hand to grab Peter’s elbow and the other to collect his backpack from the floor. They walk in silence from the lab to the elevator and miraculously make it to the outside of Peter’s door.

“Thanks Mr. Stark,” Peter says softly, his words slurred on their edges. He takes his backpack and sinks a few inches into the ground at the weight of it.

“Straight to bed, capiche?”

“Mm. Yep.”

“Goodnight, kid.”

“G’night.”

Tony should’ve known it was too good to be true.

-----

Pepper’s out of town. His bed is big and empty and cold.

He can’t sleep.

He thinks of Peter.

“Hey FRI? Is the kid asleep yet?”

“It appears Mr. Parker is doing calculus homework.”

“Of course he is.”

Tony sighs long and deep. It carries out into the empty room and dies. It’s nearly three in the morning now. He debates getting up and telling Peter off for his wakefulness, but deep down he understands it’s not really his place.

“FRI, let me know when he falls asleep.”

“Of course.”

Tony waits and waits. The alert never comes.

Finally, his eyes droop.

It doesn’t last long.

FRIDAY’s voice jars him back into wakefulness. “Boss, it appears Mr. Parker has fallen asleep.”

“Mm. Good.”

“It also appears that Mr. Parker’s heart rate has risen significantly along with his breathing. He seems to be in distress.”

Damn it.

“Boss-”

“On it, FRI.”

Head rushing from standing too fast, Tony just barely manages to catch himself against the wall as he stumbles out into the hall. Even in the dark he knows the route by heart. One door, two doors, three doors-

“Pete?” Tony stops and hits his palm against the entrance. He’s reminded of Peter knocking on the window after decathlon and his heart seems to twist. When there’s no response, he cracks open the door.

“Peter?”

He expects to find the kid in bed. Instead, Peter is slouched over his desk, his tense face pressed into the pages of a heavy textbook. He’s whining and twitching in his sleep, a look too similar to physical pain for Tony to be comfortable stealing his expression.

He’s at Peter’s side in seconds. However, once there, his own heart rate seems to accelerate. “Uh FRI?” he whispers. “Any tips?”

“Start by waking Mr. Parker up.”

“Right, right. Good plan.” Hesitantly, Tony digs his fingers into Peter’s shoulder. When he doesn’t stir, he opts to shake it instead. “Pete? Hey. You with me buddy?”

“Please. St-stop-”

“Peter!”

“Stop. Stop-”

In a flash of worry, Tony shakes Peter harder. FRIDAY’s warning voice fills the room but it’s too late. Peter wakes up with an earth-shattering gasp, flying back in his chair. It would’ve been funny under different circumstances. But it’s not, because Peter is too pale and covered in a cold sweat. His young eyes are wide and terrified, a weak hand reaching up to wrap around his throat.

Then Tony understands.

“Breathe,” he instructs. “Peter, can you hear me? Look at me. Breathe.”

Peter makes a horrible strangled noise in the back of his throat, his eyes trying and failing to lock on Tony as his chest works overtime to pull in nothing. Tony grabs the boy’s hand away from his throat and places it over his own heart. He uses his other to direct Peter’s face more intently on his own. “You can do this Pete. You’re having a panic attack. I know it’s scary, but you have to focus on getting in some air, okay? I know you can do it.”

Peter tries.

“Listen to my breathing. Try and follow it.” He takes in an exaggerated breath and feels tears bite at his eyes when Peter manages to copy the behaviour. “Good. That’s really good Pete. Keep listening.”

“‘M-m-”

“Don’t try and talk. Focus on breathing. I’m right here.” I’m not going anywhere.

Peter squeezes his eyes shut. It’s the longest ten minutes of Tony’s life, but eventually Peter’s breaths even out. Exhausted, he slumps forward into Tony’s shoulder, shaking horribly. “O’side.”

“What was that kiddo?”

“Out-outside.” Weakly, Peter tries to push himself up. His unfocused eyes land on Tony desperately as he continues his struggle. “Gotta- gotta go outside. P-please.”

With a sinking feeling in his stomach, Tony nods. He helps Peter stand, grabs a blanket from off the kid’s bed, and with combined effort they make their way out into the hall. Tony keeps his hands planted firmly on Peter’s shoulders to keep him steady.

As soon as the fresh air hits Peter visibly relaxes. It must not do wonders for his balance because he lists heavily to the side and Tony is too caught off guard to fully catch him. They end up in a tangled heap on stairs. Peter inhales deeply through his nose and exhales out of his mouth, holding his breath in a careful pattern. “Thanks,” he murmurs eventually. “Better now.”

Feeling threateningly close to tears, Tony drapes the blanket he had grabbed carefully around Peter’s shoulder, fussing with it until it’s secure. “Wanna talk about it?” he asks softly.

Looking weighed down, Peter shrugs. He looks up at the night sky, at the stars, and turns up his lips in a sad smile. “I still dream about it sometimes.”

“About what?”

“Mm. The warehouse. Being stuck.”

Tony frowns, his insides turning to ice. Peter’s face is relaxed now, but in the dim light Tony can still make out the underlying exhaustion. The stress and the fear. God, he’s just a kid.

“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?”

“I know it’s dumb. But I wake up and I can’t breathe and-” Peter frowns. “It’s just not worth it.”

“It isn’t dumb kiddo.”

“I’m just- I’m so tired, Mr. Stark. You know?”

Overcoming the paralysis in his limbs, Tony scoots closer to Peter and pulls him up against his chest. When Peter leans into the gesture he runs his hand through the kid’s hair. “I know Pete. I’m sorry. This never should’ve been you. I hate that it’s you.”

Peter sighs. The usual glint in his eyes is gone. “Occupational hazard, right?”

It isn’t fair, but it’s true. Tony wishes he could fix it. He’ll work his whole damn life trying. “Yeah kiddo. I guess it is.”

Tony shivers. Peter notices and shakes his head. “Sorry, sorry. We can go back inside. I’m okay now. I promise.”

“Pete-”

“No really.”

When Peter stands without toppling over, Tony caves and stands too. For a moment they stand still. It’s safe, quiet. Crickets and frogs can be heard from across the dewy lawn. “Mr. Stark?”

“Yeah kid?”

“How- how do I make it stop? The nightmares, I mean.”

It feels like a sucker punch to the gut.

“You can’t stop fear,” Tony says, and it takes a lot of effort to keep his voice even. He thinks of Afghanistan and the Battle of New York, of finding Peter collapsed on the Cyclone after bringing his plane out of the sky. “Every single person on this damn earth is scared of something Pete. It’s part of being human.”

Peter nods, then smiles weakly. “Well technically Mr. Stark, I’m a superhuman.”

“True, but that still doesn’t make you exempt.”

“I know.”

Tony is quiet. The world is quiet. “Talking about it helps too,” Tony says finally. “There are lots of people who want to help Pete. You just- you just have to let them. You have to let us take some of the responsibility too.”

Peter looks at his feet. He rubs a tired hand over his eyes.

“Come on kiddo. You good to go inside now?”

After a slight nod, they walk back into the warmth of the compound. Peter lingers before closing the door and Tony stares at his small shadowed frame. He swallows down a rush of emotion and clears his throat. “How do you feel about a movie?”

Again, Peter seems to relax. Only then does he close the door. “Only if it’s Back to the Future.”

“I’d accept nothing else.”

Peter smiles. For the first time that night, it’s genuine. They sit side by side on the couch and even before the opening credits finish Peter is snoring softly into his ribs. Tony relaxes against the kid’s even breathing. He takes some of Peter’s burden and shoulders it gladly.

He’ll take as much as Peter will give him.

[sneyrwrites]

|6| Ace| Levi Ackerman x Reader

✘ Ace: Separation ✘

|Wordcount: 5897 | |Ch.1: ✘ | |Previous: ✘  

Almost six months had passed since Maria fell. We left 845 behind, and 846 begun.

The government had transferred most of the refugees into farms to harvest resources, and luckily for me I had to move to the same place than the kids and Armin’s grandfather.

Mikasa, Eren and Armin got really close to me, and the same happened to me. I had no doubt in my heart that I would give y life to ensure they were safe. Which was kinda hard given the fact that they still wanted to enlist, Eren was almost counting the days, Mikasa and Armin ready to follow his lead. In my eyes they were still babies, on the verge of turning  11 years old. So, How could they possibly understand the dangers they were going to face head on?

Hoping they changed their mind was as dumb as it was selfish. They were certain about their decisions, and even though I could sleep reassured, knowing they were alive behind those wall, trying to force them into not going to the surveys and stay inside the concrete cell was too cruel.

The days were relatively peaceful. I woke up early, before sunrise, and prepared breakfast for the five of us. After that the kids cleaned while we, the grown-ups , went to work on the fields for a few hours. Later in the evenings when they replaced me I could go ahead behind the barn where we store the wheat and use the rest of the dim daylight to train.

I never thought I would miss the suffocating scorching air of the basement, but as I delivered blows into the tree’s hard barks I couldn’t stop myself from longing for simpler times. 

Eren and Mikasa quickly took an interest in my hobbies and kept me company, sitting in a pile of old crates just watching me practice drills and keeping my stamina up, their legs swinging back and forth, but barely, they would grow tall in no time, taller than me for sure, and maybe even taller than Ivo.

“Can you teach me?” Mikasa inquired one late night as I was trying to remember Annton’s favorite punches combination. She took me by surprise. 

“Me too!” Eren jumped down from his usual sitting spot and ran to me, the excitement in his body was almost palpable. 

“Maybe tomorrow, it’s getting late already”  I objected, sweat and the icy breeze of night wasn’t a good combination for someone’s health.

That ‘maybe tomorrow’ turned in a week because they tasked me with one of the most tedious and arduous thing I had to do in my life, weeding the crops. Armin’s grandpa skipped it because he had back pain, and since the only one strong enough to do the job efficiently was me, I had to spend six days hunched over digging my nails in the dirt. By the time I could finish for the day, my wrists ached from the constant pulling and the only thing I wanted to do was passing out in the closest thing i could find, chair, table, couch, bed. Anything worked for my tired body.

One would’ve thought the kids would understand, but of course they didn’t. Eren whined like a baby, begging me to get up, and I just laughed at him. He was crazy if he tough my legs could work normally after seven hours of cramps and aches.

“Please (Y/N)! We might need to know he basics for when we enlist!”  Eren whined.

He had a point there, but that didn’t magically cured my sore muscles.

“When I finish the weeding, I’ll take my day off and properly teach you.” He pouted at my response, but there wasn’t really much we could do about the workload the military police demanded from us.

I woke up the next day to find the crops free from the annoying green sprouts. And to an almost passed out Eren on the kitchen. With one look at the cuts in his fingers, I knew the culprit. Did he spend all night in the corps? With the freezing air? I would give him a lecture after my heart finished turning into goo from how adorable he was. Sighing, I picked him up and carried him to his bed. His cuts were clean, and I remembered his dad was a doctor. Probably watching after injuries was something he took from his progenitor.

Eren slept for the rest of the day. So I postponed the training another day.

When the sun peaked through the walls, I woke the three sleeping children and dragged them outside where I had prepared a few sacks filled with the weeds we recollected as punching bags.

Their droopy eyes filled with excitement the moment they understood what we were doing. 

Mikasa and Eren where on board, Armin was a little less convinced, but he agreed anyway.

“Okay Rascals, let’s see what you got.” I said.

And they surprised me. 

Mikasa handled my ass in no time. Her reflexes and strength weren’t normal in a kid, when she trained for real the little girl would be lethal. After two failed tries she managed to throw me over her shoulder with a decent amount of force, the impact of my shoulder against the grass making me wince. 

Eren on the other hand trained with passion, but thing were a little more complicated for him. His movements were rushed and unprecised. He reminded of me when dad tried to teach me for the first time. It also didn’t help that he got frustrated when Mikasa got the hang of it faster than him.

“I don’t like this anymore” He said, not even getting up after I made him lose his balance. Frustrated tears misted over his eyes. 

Mikasa just sat next to Armin, who was watching us intently, but without involving in the exercises

“Hey, it’s okay if you don’t get this on the first try, it takes practice Eren.” I laid down on him, watching the clouds above us.

“But Mikasa...” He objected, but I shut him up before he could even finish the idea. Those negative thought would take him nowhere. It wasn’t healthy for anyone to compare their skill level with someone else, specially when they were just starting 

“Mikasa is another case... We’re focusing on you now, and what she can and cannot do has nothing to do with you, Okay? So don’t go there.” I turned to him and flicked his forehead to get my point across. “I didn’t master this with only  training for a day Eren, It’s up to you if you want to put the effort or not.” 

His gaze drifted to the sky, and he stayed silent for a while. 

“Okay, let’s go” Getting  up he dusted off the dirt on his pants and got on position again.

“That’s the spirit Kiddo.”

By the time the sun set he could almost throw me, and during the next week he mastered the technic, and it never failed to amuse me when he and Mikasa practiced behind the barn where I could see Eren’s attempt at throwing her off balance.

Those times where I could just be with them and see their growth were cherished. Hale and Ivo visiting as much as they could without being suspicious, to keep me updated with Lord’s Reiss movements, who apparently knew how to hold a grudge, keeping an exorbitant price for delivering me alive to him. 

“Ivo!” Eren’s cheerful voice filled the air every time he saw the cart in the road that lead to the house.  

“What’s up, brat? Missed me?” Ivo’s relationship with the kids had developed into a friendship, with the constant hours they had to spend together because of me. “Where are the other two runt? I brought Armin a new book, I’m sure he finished the last one already” 

He was good with kids, and he had a soft spot for the trio.

With the three kids distracted with the new literary piece in their possession on top of the kitchen table, Ivo approached me as I was trying to cook dinner. 

“Hey, I got news about the recruitment” A small apologetic smile in his face told me he knew how I felt.

Part of me wished I could just stay there in the farm with the kids and Armin’s grand father forever, but it was impossible with the constant flow of guards and military policemen coming and going around collecting the harvest. I couldn’t live forever covered by a cape.

“What about it?” I asked, not really because I wanted to know but because I had to. 

“So, they start in a month. You should start getting ready...” My heart crushed, I was not ready, and a month wasn’t enough. Ivo noticed my distressed and clasped my shoulders as I was cutting some onions. I attributed the sting in my eyes to them and not the idea of leaving the kids behind. “You don’t have to worry, I’ll keep an eye on them.” If he hoped he could make me feel better, he was wrong. His heart was in a good place, but I was convinced only me and Armin’s grandfather could take good care of them. 

“You don’t have to worry about us (Y/n)” Mikasa’s voice broke my little pity party. “It’s only going to be a year, we already decided to enlist when we turn 12.” That didn’t help either. I barely knew how to tie my shoes at twelve years old. 

“Yeah! Just wait for us in the Survey corps! We’ll kill all the titans and then see the ocean together, remember?” Eren reminded me of the promise we had. 

“Maybe I Can wait another year and then join with them... I can hide like I’ve been doing until now.” I tried to convince Ivo, but he just deadpanned at me.

“I think you’ve been lucky until now, but the chances of you keeping the cover for another year is really dim. It’s better if you enlist now.” Armin reasoned, but it still didn’t sit well in my stomach. 

“Yeah listen to the kids, who apparently have more common sense than you do.” I threw a piece of potato to his head and hit his eye. “Auch! Goddamit, that hurts (Y/n)!” The kids giggled and the tension in the room dissipated a little, but it still remained thick in my body. “It’s better to stick to the plan (Y/n), and you know it. They’ll be fine.” I turned to the kids, and they nodded in agreement. I sighed, giving up on my excuses and accepted the finality of the situation. Everything would be fine after all, right?

Wrong. 

Tragedy struck once again the day after Ivo left. A letter reached us and it tore Armin’s grandfather from us. They selected him for the suicide mission to reconquer Maria. I plead him not to go, stating that it was a crazy plan, but he refused to listen to my pathetic sobs. 

“If I don’t go, they might rataliete against the kids, besides you’re just assuming we’re going to die,” He smiled sadly at me “It might surprise you, but these old bones can still fight!” I saw the doubt in his eyes and I knew he was sacrificing himself for us to have a better chance at surviving.

A week later he was off into the horizon, his last words etched in my heart.

“Take care of Armin for me okay?”

Obviously the mission failed in record time.

Armin’s tears couldn’t stop falling for days as he clutched his grandfather’s hat close to his heaving chest. The only thing I could do was hug him at night, trying to soothe the heartache I knew was unbearable.

His hopes were cruelly snatched from him by pigs who were safe in their castles, filling their bellies like there weren’t thousands of starving people pleading for food outside of Sina’s walls. Thinking that sending the poor section of the population to a horrible and certain death was the solution. Armin’s feeling of  safety with his grandfather was gone, lost because of a negligent government.

If I didn’t want to leave them before,  now it was impossible.

I would wait another year, no matter what they said or did. So when Ivo came back at the end of the month with Hale, I delivered the news to them, fully aware they would chew my butt, but I was sure of my decision .

The usual cheerful greeting between the kids and my friends didn’t lift my mood like it always did. When the three of us were inside of the house I finally found my voice.

“I’m staying until next year” I concluded, not caring about the shocked and angry looks I got from them. 

“What do you mean?” Hale said, who recomposed almost immediately to my news. Ivo just stared at us. I could feel Eren’s angry stare in the side of my head, but I ignored it, kknowing full well he would scream at me. 

“I won’t leave them alone Hale.” I explained, and she seemed to understand what I implied. 

“You do realize it’s suicide, right?” Ivo stepped forward, towering above me, looking straight at my eyes. “Are you aware of the risks for you and for them too, I imagine?” His opinion implied behind his words.

I knew they were worried about me and my safety, and it was valid, but my concern for Mikasa Eren and Armin was too. 

“I won’t leave them alone in here.” I repeated, crossing my arms. “I’l be careful, like I’ve been until now.”

“I don’t like it (Y/N)”  Ivo’s hand went to his hair, pulling his fringe a little in frustration. “You’re risking too much...”

“You don’t need to like it. Just accept it.” My decision was final. “I’ll join with them next year, and we’ll see from there. Ivo, I can’t leave them alone, they’re still ki..” something hard collided with my temple and Eren’s shoe fell to my feet. Did he really just threw his shoe at my head? I would’ve laugh if it wasn’t for the current mood in the room.

The three of us turned to the kids, and my cold ran cold. 

Eren’s eyes were ignited with rage, as Mikasa retained him by his shirt, trying to keep him out of our conversation. She was frowning at me tho, not happy about what I was trying to do. 

“Are you serious!?” He said when he noticed my attention on him, the words died in my mouth. “You’re willing to die in vain!?” He shoved Mikasa aside and came barreling to me, his fist colliding with my hips repeatedly. I didn’t expect them to understand, and I knew they were going to be upset, but I wasn’t ready for this intensity.

“Eren!” Mikasa whined and tried to take him away from me. Ivo grabbed him from under the arms and lifted him in the air, holding him in his arms, Mikasa positioned herself next to them showing me who she was siding in the discussion.

“(y/n)... think about it please, we’ll talk in the morning. I’ll postpone the trip to tomorrow’s evening.” 

Ivo Hale and the two kids left the room.

I flopped on the couch, next to Armin, who had been quiet the whole time. We stayed like that for a while, the only sound interrupting the peacefulness was the eventual sniffing from me, as I’d cried.

“You know... They have a point.” He pondered.  “The chances of you remaining unnoticed until we can actually enroll are pretty slim… " His eyes were foucused in the table in front of us. "I heard a few guards already talking about the way you act, they’re curious.” Fuck, Armin’s words weren’t helping. “I know you’re worried about our safety, but you can’t really help us if you’re already dead” Getting up he left the room, leaving me alone to think about my decisions.

Armin was smart, and a little manipulative too. He knew how to strike in the right place to have the reaction he wanted. 

And he succeeded. Armin’s short and consise speech took the blindfold away from my eyes. The rest of the night went by in a few moments, and the sun’s first rays warmed my face through the windows. Knowing it would be the last time for a long time, I got up from the couch and went to prepare breakfast for all of us.

Tears prickled my eyes as I heated some water for a cup of tea, the dark gray clouds in the sky matching my mood, the constant threat of a downpour above our heads. When the first raindrops fell the light footsteps of the kids signaled them entering the room.

Looking over my shoulder, I noticed the three of them sitting at the table, Eren’s and Mikasa’s eyes stuck to the scratched surface while Armin stole glances at me from time to time, trying to determine if I had thought about what he told me.

I smiled at him, as I tried to memorize their features, because the next time I saw them they would be different, considering the fast pace they were growing. Eren was slowly starting to lose the baby fat surrounding his face. By the time they joined he would look like a teen, and I was going to miss the process.

Sighing, I filled my cup with the steaming black liquid, hoping it would help with my distress. I poured three more and left them on the table right in front of them.

Even though it was subtle, Eren flinched at the sound of the porcelain against the table. I could see the tension in his shoulders, but I didn’t know if it was because he was still mad at me for last night’s incident or if he had slept in an awful position.

Mikasa’s eyes found mine for a brief moment when she reached for the cup, but they adverted as a quiet “thank you” slipped past her lips. Armin’s hand reached for his cup and he did a Mikasa.

Eren lifted his head, locking eyes with me, and I froze, a breath stuck in my throat. His green eyes were full of tears, his bottom lip trembling slightly. He bit it, trying to stop the quivers looking to the side. My heart clenched at the sight of the broken boy. Was he so visibly upset because of my attempt to stay? Did I fuck up with suggesting it? His ego was surely bruised because of my doubt over them staying safe for a year alone. Regret and guilt mixed in my gut.

I opened my mouth to speak, but in a heartbeat he was no longer sitting in front of me. Moving fast as thunder he suddenly appeared next to me, circling my with his arms and holding tight, the pressure of his arms around my waist hurting a little, but I didn’t mention it, relieved by his actions.

“I’m sorry” He said,  hiding his face in my shirt. I could feel the tears staining it and the ones I was holding back all morning spilled.

I hugged him back, squeezing even harder, trying to imprint the feeling of his hug in my memory. Another two bodies collided against us, and I knew Mikasa and Armin joined our hug. I circled them too with my arms.

I cleared my throat, catching their attention. Mikasa lifted her face to look at me. Her eyes were dry, but they now held an uncharacteristic sadness in them.

“Okay, listen up you three...” I began, trying to hide the pain I was feeling. “You are the only good thing that came out of a shitty year,” Mikasa’s frown deepened at the curse word, but she said nothing. It wasn’t like me to give speeches, but it was a special occasion.  “And I hope you stay as united as you are forever. I’ll leave today only if you accept that condition, and if you promise to write, because I’ll miss you guys.“ I said. Eren’s arms tightened even more .

“You don’t need to worry, Ivo and Hale will check on us every now and then. We need you to survive.” Armin spoke, Mikasa nodding in agreement. ”And we promise to stick together, but you have to promise you won’t forget us while you’re away.” His insecurity flashed again.

These three little kids have lost so many loved ones and I could see behind his words and actions that they cared about me. Which meant I was doing something right with them if they were concerned about me. I sniffled and laughed brokenly.

“That’s ridiculous. How could I forget about the kid who showed me the wonderful world behind these walls?” Armin smiled at me with eyes glazed over. “Or the girl that can throw someone the double of her age effortlessly... I still got the marks of that time, Mikasa.” She snorted, and I squeezed her a little more. Even tho she kept her emotions under control all the time she was one of the most caring persons i’ve ever met. “And Eren, we’ll go outside together, so keep training until then. I’ll wait for you in the surveys.” Or at least I hoped I could survive until then.

A potential death in the hands of a titan was better than a certain death because of Reiss orders.

The rest of the day is a hazy mess in my memory. Most of it went by packing the few belonging I had. Hale and Ivo announced it was time to go when I finished tying the knot in my bag.

Observing how Ivo carried it into the cart, I could only feel the regret in my decision, just how angry would the kids be if I suddenly locked myself into the room until Ivo and Hale left?

Speaking of the devil, Hale’s hand clasped my shoulder, squeezing reassuringly, almost as if she knew what I was thinking.

“Don’t worry, it will be fine... It’s your best chance Ace.” She said, but I still doubted.

I tried to dissipate my second thoughts. Ivo whistle for us to get into the cart, and Hale said goodbye to the kids, promising to come back as soon as she could. Palming my back, she left me alone with the kids to say goodbye for real.

Sighing I crouched down and hugged them one last time, their fingers clutching the fabric of my hood. I tried not to cry, reminding me that it would only be for a year, we were going to keep in touch with the letters and Hale and Ivo would look after them, but the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to spend time with them was tightening my chest.

“You better write me... I’ll miss you rascals.” I got up, and Mikasa searched for something in her pocket.

She extended a small black rock to me without a word. It was flat and shiny and in one of its faces, it had their names engraved into it.

“We know it’s not much...” Eren begun, Mikasa nodding in agreement.

“But this way you can keep us with you.” Armin finished the sentence.

I looked back at Hale and Ivo in search for something to say, as they were in earshot, but they were not helpful. Ivo was weeping like a baby while Hale was trying to console him, rubbing his back in comforting circles. He was a crybaby sometimes, but it was okay, as I was about to cry too. 

“This is the best thing you three could’ve got me kids.” They were making the whole “not crying anymore” thing difficult-

“(Y/N)... It’s time to go, the cart is fully loaded now.” Hale announced. The heaviness falling into my shoulders at her words.

Suddenly I wanted to beg for more time together, as it wasn’t enough. My time in the tiny house with them wasn’t perfect, but it was the closes thing I could think of, and it was hard to let go and walk away.

I hugged them one last time and I get inside the cart, the hood protecting me from the cold droplets that were falling from the sky.

The cramped space felt cold without the kid’s presence, and as it advanced, I looked back into the house where the three of them were waving me goodbye from the door. Hale Ivo and I imitated them until the small farmhouse was only a dot in the distance.

“Come on (Y/n)... We’ll keep them safe.” Hale’s hand squeezed mine, and I nodded vagely, my focus on everything that could go horribly wrong in the year I would be away.

“You know... They remind me of us in a sense...” Said Ivo, and I could see it too.

“Yeah... Mikasa is as scary as Hale when she gets mad.” I joked, the tears trailing down my cheeks “Last week she could beat me in only a minute dude, she’s talented. And Eren is one of the bravest persons in the world. And god, Armin makes me feel so fucking dumb when he speaks. Can you guys believe he gets bored with the books he reads because he guesses the ends?”

Most of the trip consisted of them listening to my rambling about the brats.

One year. I repeated those two words in my head over and over, needing to believe them for my own sanity.

The trip to the training camp took longer than what i expected, as we had to stop in the city to unload the crates and bags filled with the farm’s harvest. We left Hale behind and Ivo and continued in another cart that was conveniently going to the training corps to restock its inventory to prepare for the newcomers.

I did not understand how the whole inscription paperwork functioned, and Ivo had barely given me the overall description of what could I expect. Not mentioning where it was or what was I supposed to do. The only thing he asked for was my birth certificate, explaining he would take care of the rest, which only incremented my anxiety.

When we got to our destination, the sight made me want to crawl in a hole. The depressing brown hills that surrounded the camp were already making me feel trapped, and I noticed that everything was, indeed, a sad shade of brown, from the soil to the cabins, the only thing that sliced through the muddy scenery was a dash of green from a forest, Where I assumed we would train .

We got down from our transportation and Ivo left me all alone to sign me in into the administrative building. I stood there for a couple of minutes, like an idiot, just waiting and observing my new environment like a fish out of water. A couple of instructors parade in front of me, talking in hushed tones as they looked me up and down. Intimidated by their higher ranks, I focused my attention into my dirty and mud covered boots. My father’s advice still fresh in my memory.

“In the military, respect is above everything else (Y/N). Be humble of your position and you should be fine.” He said the morning I delivered the news to him .

The men and women in charge of our training had earned their positions with hard work and determination through years of their life and I wasn’t about to disrespect their efforts with a bratty attitude... Or at least that’s what my dad told me to do.

Ivo came back after a few more minutes, a bald man by his side.

His wrinkled face seemed like one of someone who had seen horrible things, his skin tanned because of the amount of hours he spent under the scorching sun’s rays. Once they got to Where I was, I straightened my posture, hands behind my back. He stepped in front of me, nodding in acknowledgment, a sour expression on his face.

“Are you (Y/n) Müller?” He asked, his voice harsh and blunt, just like his appearance.

“Yes, sir.” I responded, intimidated by him. I tried to ignore Ivo’s amused smile behind the soldier.

“I’ve met your father... a dedicated and brave man, I expect nothing less from you cadet. It’ll be my pleasure to have you in the recruits unit number one hundred and three.” His welcoming was sincere, as he had no reason or need to greet me personally. It seemed like my father was an appreciated man by some. The thought warmed my heart. “I’m chief instructor Kieth Shadis and I’ll be supervising your training for the three years you’ll be with us. Welcome.” He inclined his head and left me muttering a welcome to his retreating back.

Ivo palmed my arm and I relaxed.

“Welcome to the army Ace.” He said, the smile clear in his voice. “Make us proud.”

I hoped I could do it. Apparently now I had people expecting me to do well in the training, while the only thing I knew how to do was throw some punches and then dodge a few, fighting titans was a whole different thing.

I just hoped not to die during my training.