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nathank77 · 4 months

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5/29/24

2:14 a.m Edited

I know I've been saying maybe I'm hyper but the Atkins Bar held me over until around 9, I ate around 10 p.m . I ate the Atkins bar at 3:15 I think. I ate boca burgers again cause I felt like it with vegan bacon. I might be a little hungry atm but not really. I'm not sure. With Graves being hyper I went from being not hungry to ravenously hungry. There was no in-between.

Tomorrow I'll have California Veggie burgers and vegan bacon. It's not half as much protein so it'll be a better judge.

Still haven't been monitoring my heart rate as much as I should but my popping has been normal... not like I'm hyper. I mean a high heart rate usually makes you anxious and I have had anxiety but not really badly... so I use that as a test as well.

All I know is I'm in low ac right now and my skin is fucking ice. Yes it's 60.. but it's low. Usually I go to high on 60..

Beyond that I realized like yes my car ac works well but it takes a while to cool the car. Driving to Southington was a good way to test that. And I didn't sweat.... I would have if I was hyper.... I didn't sweat at all...

So right now I'm going with high end of normal? To be determined with more days of monitoring my body..... remember I dont know what, a "normal" metabolism feels like. So yea.

Speaking of anxiety. Ptsd. Panic attacks. I've noticed that I've had less of all of it the last week or so. They say give cbd at least 28 days before discontinuing it or uping the dose. My brain always wants it but I'm always like why? It's a waste of money. I've noticed that all those mental illnesses have been better. Still not sold on it. I'm going to stay on 100mg of cbd until July 26th and give it 3 months. If it can make my flashbacks, anxiety, heart palpitations, shortness of breath and everything less extreme. It sells itself bc I'm extremely mentally tortured and I've noticed improvement. Let's see if it continues. There is a reason I've been writing about it less... I've been suffering less. Yea I have anxiety still and ocd... and it's not cured but it's less traumatic... not the ocd unfortunately.. but I've got to give the cbd more time cause my body wants it and I'm like but the money... and now I'm seeing an improvement. I can't live with extreme ptsd and panic attacks... so let's keep it going for a while...

So Mike is like all about don't change the variables so you can see what is doing what. Aka don't increase the white mulberries. Don't take more or less cbd. Don't change anything...

Well tbh I've noticed drastic improvement since going to 2000mg of white mulberries. It's been two weeks....and I'm not getting side effects... and okay lets back track- since doing 1000mg the chanting toned fucking down a lot. My quality of life got better but not enough to say my life was worth living. Now lets be present. On 2000mg- this shit is inaudible it's only able to say like 2 words! Bussycunt, successful deadname, happy birthday. Whatever. It can't finish its fucking sentences. Some of the incoherent whispering I can tell is the rest of the sentence... but it's becoming more of a narrative... bc my brain knows the rest of the sentence and I've been changing it. It says "the bussycunt" and I say "thinks it's going away." Instead of, "feels bad for deadname."

Even my deadname barely sounds audible it's fucking dying and i know it's the white mulberries and I know it's a direct effect from upping the dose..

I'm starting 3000mg tomorrow after dinner. I got enough to do it for 2 weeks and see if I get side effects. If I do I'll weigh what side effects and how I can treat them. And of course i will see how it effects the hallucination... let's say it improves but I still hear it.. let's say I get no side effects.

Then I'll go up to 4000mg for another 2 weeks. I'll weigh my symptom reduction and side effects.

This goes without saying but if 3000mg or 4000mg stops the hallucination i won't increase. If 4000 doesn't stop it, I'll try 5000mg bc I'll still have enough to play around with it before I run out to see if I get side effects..

They sell white mulberries at 5000mg like 180 capsules for 20$.... so I can gradually increase my dose until the symptoms either disappear or go away. I won't exceed 5000mg... but I mean I have a feeling this fucking flower can give me my quality of life back. I got to cross my fingers that I get no side effects.

I hate to say it but I get why Mike is saying to control the variables..... but my quality of life sucks and going to 2000mg gave me some shows I like back. I'm watching Dexter and ink master. I'm happy. So we can throw variable control out the window.

It sucks but if 5000mg kills my hallucination, at that point it'll be July 10th.. if by July 9th I'm still hallucinating the cbd isn't going to kill it. That variable is remaining consistent. If my ptsd, anxiety and panic attacks stay under control then the cbd is worth the money.

I just dissociated but it's okay I was under a blanket cause I'm fucking freezing.

Anyways yea I got to try to reduce my symptoms. If I start bloating or something then I'll either pull back to 2000mg or I'll find a way to treat it that's safe if the hallucination stops.

It's way safer than antipsychotics and it's working like one. More enzymatic degradation and reuptake... more facilitation.

I've noticed when I take my white mulberries earlier than the 24 hour mark cause sometimes I take it at 20 or 22 hours it's more controlled.....

The only part that sucks about white mulberries is the human studies of long term use are limited... usually ranging for 3 months or so... but antipsychotics ruin your brain. And this doesn't deplete dopamine... it facilitates it in the mesolimbic pathway. Facilitates is much safer than depleting it all and causing Parkinsons. I hate being an experiment but my quality of life needs to get better.

I fucking love myself and I deserve to get better and work on my ocd and be better than I ever was. So yea. Tomorrow aka today 5/29- I start 3000mg. All I can say is please let me "look" for my hallucination and finally not find it. It's been better. But not perfect. My body is telling me to increase it. My brain is telling me to stick the course with the CBD. Imma listen to it.

Also I had a weird dream about gluttony. I was in some cafeteria or something the details are fuzzy. But there was all this food and I was eating like a pig CONSTANTLY. All the food. I don't remember much else but I feel like I was trying to eat more than people. I know it was post-apocalyptic sorta...

Then I had another dream but I actually think it was a continuation of the dream where we found a house on water and it was like partially built. Idk who we were. Just I was there. And the kid Walter from lost was building the house. I looked around and it was barely a house everything was open just basically a frame. And then all of a sudden Walter had built the entire thing. There was like one spot with a hole.

I don't know what either of these dreams meant. No fucking clue. I can't pick up symbolism... all i know is they were weird and I remember them.. I'm still trying to figure out the symbolism.

I'm excited to start 3000mg of white mulberries. Cross your fingers that I get no side effects and my quality of life gets better. 2000mg was not a mistake. Hopefully 3000mg will kill this fucking voice.

I'm a little anxious going back to a half mg tonight but I have drugs. I'll fall asleep. We will just see how many it's takes. Worse case there is always weed before another half mg of xanax.

Another random fact- white mulberries actually help with Parkinson disease. That's cool right?

Well I'm going to watch more Dexter. I'm at the end of the first season and I'm enjoying every minute. Sometimes the lyric-less music and silence is silent.

I've been writing this in "silence." I can't look for my hallucination but at the same time it takes longer for it to appear when I do and I hear a lot more true silence just with interruptions.

But don't get me wrong I always hear it trying to talk and it always wants to say the same thing constantly. And that's why the narrative is hard to break. It also makes sitting in silence really hard for long periods. Right now as this has taken me like 20 minutes to write I can't wait to drown it out. That's why I got to increase the dose.

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monsterkingdom · 5 years

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Heya! welcome to the masterpost I’m making to keep track of how I view my Wandersong AU that I’ve dubbed

Eya-Born

Read below!

Concept

The concept of this AU is very simple! Kiwi -- our Bard-- is a being made directly from Eya. That is to say, they are basically a demi-god.

When setting up to finally have the passing of the Universe -- Singing her song again-- Many know of the Hero who is sent to usher out this task within its final moments.

What if, before even that prophetic dream and entities start truly deteriorating-- She made a being to also challenge the idea with the knowledge of the ever so elusive Earthsong. That’s where this AU comes in!

Beginning

Eya created a being to see how much the world truly is in disarray and attempt to remedy it in their own way. A being free from fate. Free-will was her emphasis... as well as her attunement to magic-- which by default meant music.

They were sent to the Earth the Wandersong Universe knows... Specifically to a woman living in a city in the midst of industrial change. Riddled with loneliness due to a husband who got too into his work and guilt.

Seeing such an ailed child on her doorstep, a scenario one only hears in fairytales... She took the child in wholeheartedly, worrying who would leave them in such a state. After searching for the origins to no avail, she decided to raise them as her own.

Under the name Jack. Named after the fabled protagonist of many fairytales and rhymes... it seemed fitting based on their circumstances.

And thus, begins the bard’s life.. full of normality in every sense of the word.

....almost every sense of the word.

The magical properties of their music were always something they grew up with. Though, it didn’t do too much... Their mother assumed that the child was most likely part witch. As simple as that.

As least... as simple as trying to mask their child’s slightly pink tinged hair with several different hats upon growing up. Thankfully, Chismest was starting its headstrong course on being perpetually cold and gloomy by the bard’s early years and being bundled up was definitely inevitable indoors and out.

Cutting forward to the events of Wandersong, many of everything ended up panning out the same. The prophetic dreams, ghastly encounters, universal fates amounting to nothing, so on and so forth...

The not-so-Earthsong was sung. The world was saved... the zip and zap from the dreamtower was done and the dialogue with Eya congratulating them begins. However... as she starts prepping to send them off. A rumble occurs... the clouds separate and palms grasp the platform the three of them stand on.

Reunion

(now please enjoy this minor comic I did half a year ago)

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(ok end back to writing)

Kiwi then began-- as Eyala once put it-- “vicariously feeling Eya’s love through everything in the world” (paraphrasing this btw)

However, there’s... quite a lot of love to feel. Especially when you’re not used to it. That happiness... that joy... starts feeling a bit weird when you can’t turn it off.

Needless to day Kiwi didn’t adapt well.

Though... Eya, in all her overseeing capabilities... seemed to have a detached reaction to the whole situation.

“Oh fine fine...” she waved her hand slightly... the hue in Kiwi’s face settling a bit, though their face still bore an expression that showed they were still under some of the emotional weight of the whole thing.

“I suppose it is a bit much all at once... You’d probably be better off having it opened but unleashed through your own discoveries.”

Before Miriam could question further, the goddess’ gaze shifted to that of her Angelic assistance, who was watching the whole thing rather speechlessly.

“Eyala, dearest...” the melodic voice of Eya’s godly tones spooled out toward her, “I’m putting you in charge of guiding them through the basics.”

“M-Me, Eya?” She hesitantly replied, “I mean... of course!” she sputtered out.

“Eeeeeeexcellent” she chimed, “We can see they’re already experiencing increased empathy... maybe in due time they’ll be able to discover their other properties. The bard may excel beyond your basic prowess later on, Eyala, but your knowledge is a wonderful base for the poor dear...”

Eyala wordlessly nodded, clearly not about to speak up about the whole ordeal Kiwi had gone through in front of the goddess herself,

“In any case... I am greatly pleased with your performance, child. As a reminder, this is my gift to you. The locks are now undone... all that is needed is for you to learn. Maybe then you’ll be ready to take it in this way.” she smiled, eye crinkling with pleasure as Miriam helped Kiwi to their feet,

“Eyala will assist you in any way she can... She’ll probably teach you how to contact her with ease after this. However, I must leave you now... re-establishing the universe that was saved and all” she chuckled about it, hair slowly enveloping her face before she began receding into the clouds once more.

The godly presence left in an instant, leaving the trio to stand bewildered on the platform once more.

“So...” Eyala began.

“...Is she... normally like that?” Kiwi wheezed out, finally gathering their bearings.

“Yeah... she didn’t sound empathetic like the tales blab about her being.”

Eyala frowned at the two of them and clapsed her hands together, “She tries her best... but, she doesn’t get to experience things as much as she used to. Though, her love for everything is still here...”

The angel sighed and floats closer to Kiwi, holding their face slightly. A bit more tenderly than the goddess did to them previously,

“We’re gonna make this easier for you, lil’ B. I promise.”

Learning

Kiwi-- being a direct piece of Eya as opposed to a simple messenger like Eyala-- had a lot more going for them in terms of connections to things. As someone who normally was pretty darn good at burying their feelings into the dirt, suddenly feeling a good amount of what everything else did along with their own weird doubts was quite a bunch to take in.

They went through with their hellos and good-byes, keeping their misty tears in as best they could. They met up with their mother during... trying desperately to hold their tongue as she rambled on about their ‘long lost’ father finally come home... hoping all of them could live normal again. That they could be normal.

They were whisked home in the late evening after staying with Miriam for dinner... holding her closer than ever in their ever-so-tired arms... before letting her drift into the night sky and drift to their bed.

Only to be unable to sleep due to all the sudden emotions they felt. Realizing... ever suddenly.. a lot of them were from the people they interacted with. It was like having thousands of voices and waves of feelings hit you in a chaotic, nonsensical cacophony. It all felt like static, their brain muddled with thoughts not quite their own. They shook their head and for the first time in a while... they cried.

They felt the immense weight of these feelings drag down their face, the tears building and washing over their cheeks relentlessly. They couldn’t tell if they were happy, scared, or sad. Or if it was even them that felt this way.

A hand touched their shoulder, a familiar glow next to them. Kiwi needn’t even look to know it was Eyala again. checking in on them, most likely.

“Hey... Lil’ B.” her voice whispered, “I know it’s... a lot. You’re being left on a pretty bad note.” Kiwi turned,, face still full of tears and their voice caught in their throat from.. well... everything. They simply nodded in agreement.

Even Eyala could see the visible strain on Kiwi’s face.. and very well knew the reason why, “ Here. Let’s start with this instead... and I can help with the contact stuff tomorrow. We gotta help you filter this all out.” She held their hands in hers, rubbing their palms with her thumbs, “Just... focus on me. Okay? It helps to have something to think about other than people... “

Kiwi nodded... and looked Eyala over. Her hair effortlessly floating behind her in its usual ever-shifting hue... her smile, small, but visible. They could read the concern on her despite having most visible features omitted... Eyala was good at that. Expressing herself through motion and all. It reminded Kiwi of themself.

Without realizing it-- they found their head suddenly empty... well. mostly. There was still that static tingle in the back of their head. Near their neck, it felt. Almost like forgetting something important... but they pushed it down. Much like anything else they felt in the past... and let out a shaky sigh.

“That better...?”

Kiwi nodded again, looking at their hand for a sense of stability now.

It glowed... not much but. It was just a tinge... ever slightly lighter than the darkness surrounding them and Eyala, “So...” they scratchily started, “I’m really...”

“A real child of Eya. Not just in... like... a collective universe sense. Yeah.”

“Wow...”

--WIP ATM BC BED--

#BIG HECKIN WIP!!!!#Im not tagging until IM DONE DANGIT

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