#tomorrow in therapy I'll figure out how to reach out to my best friend and tell them how much i love them and to apologize for being distant

[headstrongblake]

you'd be better off staying here. / kassy & o / @thewholecrew

with kassy's college semester in full swing, it's easier for octavia to go to her. whenever kassy has a free moment, octavia happily supplies her best friend with her favourite coffee for fuel while she's at school, or spends evenings at her apartment. they walk arm and arm together into the guys' new clubhouse, checking on the nearly finished nightclub upstairs. literally, anything to squeeze in extra moments because they're not used to not being at each other's sides. save that one month none of them really talk about. octavia's used to having kassy around at school, in her space, in her bubble constantly. it's why octavia easily loses track of time while she's cozied up on kassy's couch, but when kassy offers for octavia to stay, it's not that she offers...it's how. you'd be better off staying here.

all night while the two have caught up, octavia can't help but feel a tension in the room. not between them, but vibrating nearly off of kassy. she can't place it. almost chalks it up to the summer. if anyone understood that there were a multitude of bad memories to choose from, it was her. but as octavia went to leave, she can't help but look between the door and kassy. " this worry i'm getting here...you wanna talk about it babe? " octavia fully wandered back to her best friend, sinking into the couch beside her as she slowly reached for kassy's hand. maybe it is the kidnapping that's the source, but, octavia wanted to be sure, feeling some new sense of fear in her friend.

what octavia doesn't expect is a new threat. one directly harassing and scaring her. octavia sits there listening to kassy talk about calls where there's only the sound of a person breathing on the other line trying to buzz in from the lobby. the pictures of herself. the creepy notes. the more kassy tells her, the more effort it takes to control the emotions that threaten to become a fire of rage right then and there. she's so sick of people threatening her family...grown tired of simply sitting here while it happens again and again to the people she loves. " we have to tell the guys, rev... " octavia starts, trying to formulate some sort of solution in her mind when she looked at kassy, i already told nick. a quick breath of relief came forward, " good, " she nodded, processing the idea her best friend has a fucking stalker. " good, they'll figure something out kass, they'll fix it. " she concludes, head nodding as she soothing brushed her thumb against kassy's hand.

" in the meantime, " octavia settled further back on the couch, pulling kassy to her as she wrapped her arms around her, tucking her chin on top kassy's shoulder. " i'll stay as long as you want, i don't have physical therapy until after you go to class tomorrow, i could take you if you want. " octavia offered, " my knives are not just pretty, no one's getting passed me and them okay," she said softly with a hint of laughter, hoping to ease some of kassy's tension.

[clarkresse]

August 18; Why am I still in San Fernando

I'm writing this in a rush because I wasn't sure what I saw. Nor why the camera on my phone was being shitty and not doing as it was programmed. Maybe, it's just my mind. Maybe, I mistook something for another thing because of the stories I used to hear about the woods behind the Golden Hills Graveyard. I'm hoping I'm crazy and it's not what it actually was. If it was then what am I supposed to do with that kind of information? If someone was killed because of it and I knew and didn't say a word, would that make me an accomplice? Would that person's friends and family blame me? And then what? Am I the murderer? And what if I tell someone and it turned out to be nothing? I'll forever be labeled as crazy. Not that I would come back to this town after the funeral. However, I'll always think about how people here think I'm crazy. That kind of information is crippling in my daily life.

I was at the graveyard to check the plot where Rowena would be buried. First went to the chapel there and met with the priest that'd be presiding over the final mass. Then walked, near the edge of the graveyard, to the olden parts of the site where all the oldest gravestones and mausoleums were. Rowena, along with my own family, were one of the oldest family in San Fernando.

Many tombs and mausoleums there either belong to or are related to my family.

While Rowena's family has a grand mausoleum with members of her family dating back five centuries. With more space for another five centuries.

After I checked with the groundskeeper and the funeral planner it was already late afternoon.

I didn't know what it was in my mind. My head, since I returned to this town, has been working against me. And I really hope that it really is simply me losing my sanity and needing therapy or something. Because if it's not that then what was this?

It's not there but it's there. I see it. A person or a figure of it was staring at me. It could have been a person but why didn't it feel like a human at all?

Where I was going or how I ended up at that part of the woods, that I'm unfamiliar with, I don't know.

I saw the figure on that unfamiliar road and after staring at it for ten seconds, reached for my phone and I just snapped the picture. As it approached I was still taking pictures without thought.

Then fear sets in. And I just ran.

Not sure what happened after. I just ran. Ran until I found lights. When I made it back to where people were, that's when I looked over my shoulder.

No one was following me.

I head back to the inn and immediately wrote this down.

Cause yes, I'm maybe sleep-deprived and may have drank a little before heading to the graveyard. But that shouldn't have been enough to drive me into delusions of gho- I can't even call it that.

I"m just going to sleep and see if I'm still crazy tomorrow.

Next Chapter:

Start here:

[thequintessentialqueer]

man this has been a weird fucking year so far. like obviously jaw surgery was hell, and I'm like, at least a little bisexual now which is???? I'm still digesting that tbh. uh, I started therapy and am now realizing that I likely have OCD which is like??? I literally never would have even begun to consider that because I'm so messy and disorganized but I actually have a lot of rituals that I Have To Do Or Else The People I Love Will Die and also I have horrible intrusive thoughts and just a constant, unending stream of obsessive thinking that I can't shut down or mitigate??? I read this really in-depth article that interviewed people with unusual forms of OCD and it was like someone had taken it all straight out of my life and my head. it literally made me cry from both relief and anguish. I gotta talk about it more with my therapist and hopefully see a specialist to rule out other shit, but yeah like fucccck.

uh let's see. what else? well, one of my former best friends ended our friendship (and did the same to our mutual best friend as well) because I am a "dangerous extremist" for not believing that "incremental change" is an adequate solution to the impending climate crisis/the rise of fascism??? and they ditched our other friend for even shittier reasons lmao so like I objectively know it was total bullshit but it still has made me way more insecure in all my relationships because like.......damn.......if they can end two 8 year long friendships over some shit that they never previously brought up or gave anyone a chance to talk through, how can I trust any of my other relationships? like I've only had one friendship longer than that one (10 years, with my darling justice, who I just spent a really lovely couple days with ❤️) and like.....you truly can think you know someone, you can put so much trust and love into them, support them through all their shit, stand by them through everything, and they can just....change so completely that it makes you question whether the self they presented to you up until that point was even real, you know? like the other friend in this situation was literally questioning to me whether any part of our friendship was real if they could do this for such weird and shitty reasons. and looking back they had a history of dropping people and they would always say that the person in question had turned out to be "toxic" and "manipulative" and we believed them because they were our best friend but now it's like.........huh. so that's a pattern.

and the way they handled it was so awful too. like this was all during my jaw surgery recovery and they didn't visit me once in the first two months, continuously claiming that they had a stomach bug or that they couldn't leave the house because of anxiety, just completely stringing me along when I was in pain and lonely and isolated and wanted so badly to see them, and I bought those blatantly obvious lies because I believed they would never lie to me like that. so it had to be true, right? and then they just sent a huge chunk of text over fb messenger making all sorts of assertions about my personality and beliefs, claiming that I was secretly judging them for things I absolutely had never judged them for, and so on. and the thing that fucked me up the most was that they said they had always idolized me to the point of believing anything I said was automatically true, but now they had realized I was "a rigid thinker who sees everything in black and white" and that I hold "beliefs that scare them" (aka that there can be no justice under the settler colonial state and that it has to be dissolved and replaced with indigenous sovereignty). it fucks me up even now because I have always been so afraid of being worshipped/put on a pedestal. the act of doing so is a denial of my humanity, which is intrinsically linked to my fallibility. they idealized me without my knowledge or consent, and then upon realizing that I was not perfect, they discarded me completely. at no point did they ever see me as the person I am. (also like you wanna talk black and white thinking lmao????? deciding that a person is either perfect or irredeemable would solidly fall under that imo).

anyway it just sucks so much because nothing they discarded me for was something bad I did. it was all the things about me that are good: that I am involved in activism, and willing to risk facing violence from the state as a consequence of protest; that I care deeply about the rights and liberation of all people; that I don't want all life on earth to die because of 100 companies and the systems that allow them to destroy the world for profit; that I am open and honest in my beliefs and practices and that I trust others to be the same way (one of the things they said was that they'd been dropping "subtle hints" that they had a problem by......asking me questions about things I said.........questions that I took at face value and answered sincerely. all of this knowing full well that I'm on the autism spectrum and don't pick up on "subtle hints"). so it just sucks because there was literally nothing I could have changed or fixed to salvage this relationship. I wish to god that the problem had been me so I could have corrected it. I know I was in the right but I don't want to be in the right - I just wanted us to be alright and there was nothing I could do because they were the one who was being ignorant, taking their fears about me judging them as evidence that I was judging them.

.......but yeah like this has made me actively scared to message my best friend from university because I'm just so scared of losing them too because I literally don't think I could take losing their love because I love them so much but like I know I'm literally damaging our friendship by not reaching out enough but I'm just so scared, even though I know it's irrational. I would be fine in person but all this shit with my ex-friend going down over fb messenger (which they also did to our other friend that same night) makes me so scared of receiving another message like that or of saying something and having it misconstrued and ruining everything. I'm so afraid because I try so hard to be kind, compassionate, trusting, loving, fair, honest.......to just do good in the world as much as possible and to do right by the people I love..........and to know that I can do all of that and have all of it twisted around as a bad thing........I don't know man it's just fucking hard.

anyway sorry for this million mile post I'm just. uggh. like I had a great day today. I've had a great week. I was at anime north, caught up with lots of friends......I've been actually reading and writing for the first time in ages.......and today I met with my mentor to discuss poetry, then bought some books, talked to some cool older socialists, hit up a bulk barn......like it was such a genuinely good day! and then I went to lay my head down for a quick nap and all this shit hit me again out of nowhere for the first time in weeks and I'm just like. is this gonna keep happening forever?? the other friend in this situation described us as being "literally in mourning for a loss" and like. fuck. true. but I'm just so mad that this is able to have power over my heart when there are so many good people in my life who love me and who I love in return. there's so much good in my life and I am learning and growing so much every day despite all my mental health shit. I have amazing comrades, incredible friends, a complicated but loving familial relationship......I guess this is just kind of......my first real breakup in a way?? (and my absolute first time being "broken up" with ever). like I've broken up with partners before but after like, weeks, months.......not 8 years. and it's like we did so much together and they're in so many of my photos, so many of my memories, and to know they only ever loved their idea of who I was, that they didn't really understand or know me......it sucks and I guess it's gonna suck for a long fucking time. but I wish it would stop sucking sooner.

[hissterical-nyaan]

Hey, I've been in a hostel and I know how shitty it is especially in first year. I got depression in first year and got better with a lot of support plus mild meds. First year of college is the WORST year of our lives. Period.

Also, reading your last posts I think you could benefit from getting a therapist. My best friend had a queer-affirming therapist who had video call sessions with her, and she benefited a whole lot within just a month of sessions. (Google doc of therapists that she sent me). Email a queer-affirming therapist, mention that you're a student and ask for a sliding scale and they will probably give you a decent discount.

If writing an email is scary I'll send you an outline so you can just fill in what you're looking for and how much you want to share with them.

P.S. I know I'm talking as if it's easy/simple when it really isn't. But I just figured it was better than doing nothing.

Hey thank you so much 💕💕 this means a lot to me, more than you could ever imagine

I'm feeling better after hearing first year is hard for a lot of people and it will get easier, cause my hopes were I'll be able to get out of this depression once the entrance exam ends....stupid me lmao

My college gives free service of quite a few therapists (all queer affirmative) so I'm gonna contact them once I'm more mentally ready. I'm still not sure if i tell my mom about therapy cause she doesn't believe in it.... But thank you so much for the resources regardless 💖

I'm taking a day off tomorrow to recharge and relax alone for a bit, hopefully it helps. Today really was a breaking point of sorts. Dealing with my mental health issues + my identity has never been so difficult. I'm not sure who to reach out to in my peer circle, who'll accept me with least assumptions but let's see how it goes :D

Thanks again <3

[stubert87]

I've spent some time wondering if coming back here to write something was too self indulgent at a time like this. But I'm going to start writing and if you're reading it then I got to the end, thought it was ok, and posted it.

I think it's fair to say that the nation's mental health, as a whole, is in somewhat of a state of flux at the minute. Our life as we have come to know it has been entirely disrupted, albeit temporarily. I've come back to this space to share some of my musings and offer support to anyone who's mental well-being has been affected since the threat of coronavirus has appeared. For many of us this may just be the most recent trigger in a series of major episodes of anxiety, low mood, etc. For others this may be the first experience of anxiety or any form of negative mental health. I hope this makes sense. Maybe even some of it may resonate.

I'm more than familiar with how isolated our thoughts can make us feel when we're in the midst of a low point. Add to that the very literal isolation that has been placed upon us through social distancing measures, and we have the recipe for a mental health crisis. But it isn't as bad as it sounds. In every new scenario and environment there is opportunity. We just have to be willing to see past the fear, and seize it.

There are some of us adept at change. There are some of us that aren't. I most certainly am not. I'm analytical and need order. I need time to digest my new environment, figure out how to exist within it, and then consciously marry up my strengths to this new situation, while guarding my vulnerabilities, until I establish a comfort zone. For those of us who aren't as fast paced as others when dealing with change, the entire situation is a wall of anxiety that seems insurmountable. We are paralysed by the overwhelming barrage of "what ifs" leading to "I can'ts" that lead to "I'm a failure" and there we have ourselves back on the edge of The Abyss, thinking that this is no way to live and pleading with the universe to make tomorrow better.

The insurmountable wall right now is made up of a combination of catastrophic thoughts that has the potential to cripple us. From worrying about the health of ourselves, our friends and families, to worrying how long this will last, and when we can see each other again, each question is a potential doorway to a 'corridor of catastrophising'. It's very easy to end up at very scary and upsetting conclusions, such as "I'm never going to see xyz again" or "I'm next". Very dark thoughts in an already dark time.

The process of breaking the cycle of worry is a lot greater than anything I can outline in this blog. There's a reason that forms of therapy last many sessions. But I'll try to pass on a few tips that have helped me over the years.

I like to think there's two places you can tackle your worry. If we use the analogy of the 'corridor of catastrophising', the door you walk through and into the corridor is the initial worry, the end of the corridor is the final conclusion you reach: a dead end is a total overwhelming negative thought, taking another door out of the corridor is us reaching a better conclusion.

The first way you can try to tackle your worry is at the start, by nipping it in the bud. When you open the door and see that "what if" worry, you can ask yourself is this normal worry, or excessive worry. If what you're thinking is something like "I'm worried about the wellbeing of my grandparents because they're vulnerable and isolating for 12 weeks" then this is a perfectly normal worry. Any human being would think this. You then need to make sure you follow up this thought with positive action and find one way to make the situation better. Using the grandparents example, can you set them up with video calling? Can you send them voice notes? Can you get them involved in distanced activities like a video chat quiz or look for events to take part in like the virtual grand national? Taking positive action will help remove the mental isolation and bring about a positive shift in mindset. And much like a negative mindset can spiral, a positive mindset can also gain momentum.

For some of us though this may be to little too late. We might have already walked down the dark corridor to it's gloomy and seemingly absolute end. And also for anyone who hasn't had to work at challenging their thought processes before, simply trying to nip it in the bud is a a lot to get to grips with straight away, and you could actually end up in a strange state of denial where you're pushing the thought away, only for it to come back with a vengeance. So we have to look at reframing our negative thoughts to help us back track and take another turn off the corridor.

The idea is to challenge the thought by asking yourself can I bring any evidence to back that thought up? Can I prove without any shadow of doubt that the thought I have is true? Using the example of grandparents again, it's easy to bring in evidence like "they're old and therefore high risk", "there's already been thousands of deaths". These are natural worries, but they're not concrete evidence to support a worst case scenario. If we try re-framing our thoughts more positively then the thoughts become less consuming and therefore allow us to think more rationally. "They're vulnerable" - correct, but they're shielding for 12 weeks in isolation to ensure the chances of infection are minimal. "There's already been thousands of deaths" - could be challenged by "yes but there's also plenty of cases of recovery and also so many that haven't been infected or shown symptoms. As long as we're all doing our part to stop the spread, we reduce the risk".

By challenging each negative thought we give ourselves chance to minimise their detrimental impact and make them more manageable and easy to digest. It takes a lot of practice but eventually you get quicker at managing these thoughts and you're quickly volleying them away before they can take hold.

Another problem many of us are now facing is the concept of managing our time in isolation so we're not climbing the walls. Not an easy task at all, but one the more analytical of us may find a bit easier. Iregardless it will take practice. It's easy to fall into bad habits when we have too much time to kill. For some of us we'll naturally fall into good habits because we're disciplined. For others amongst us structure and good routine maybe don't come so naturally. The best way to ensure we're getting the most out of our day is to spend up to a week documenting your activities and the mood you experienced while doing it, correlating what our mood was like to the activity and looking for patterns in the day to day, so that we can then start planning more activities that elevate our mood whilst balancing our necessary tasks that may not bring us so much comfort or joy. Sounds simple on paper but I can definitely attest to the fact that challenging your own behaviour and embedding change is never easy.

There are also so many of us who have anxious brains who've suddenly found that we're calmer than usual. That people around us seem more anxious than we are. It's an interesting phenomenon that I've recently found myself in and mused over this somewhat. Having pondered on it a while, I can only draw the conclusion that my mind is used to living in a state of abstract worry. By that I mean I'm worrying about what MIGHT happen, or rumenating on an incident that happened a week ago. None of this worry is in the present. And when you're suffering from a period of mental ill-health it feels almost possible to be present, grounded, and in the moment. But in this pandemic lies a very real, very present threat. One that means our lives are changing by the day. A threat that is very much making us exist in the present. Anyone who's ever been stuck in the rut if anxious thinking knows that when you snap out of it into the present moment, you're capable of thinking and rationalising and lightning speed. So if you're one of us who's found yourself much calmer than ever, make sure you're continuing to keep those positive actions going to build a positive resilience. Think about what you can do to help friends, family, colleagues and your community to keep us all afloat. Sometimes the people who've experienced the darkest of thoughts are the ones who can bring light to others dark times. If this is you, now's your time to shine.

The final key to it all is my age old advice. KEEP TALKING. The second you feel in a slump, pick up the phone and call someone. Video call them. Start a House Party. Never impose further isolation on yourself by withdrawing. On the opposite side, if you haven't heard from someone in a while then call them. Make whatever plans you can in this difficult time.

I think I've meandered on long enough. If you've made it this far, thank you. If you've found any of this thought provoking or even helpful please let me know. I've attached a link to some further reading on covid-19 and anxiety (if you have any reading left in you) I think it's pretty useful