#tom: so uh.. i did an oopsie?

[tomeebear04]

I feel like tom would be a really good dad but also hate kids

LOL true. he would be good with kids, but they make him uncomfortable. his thought process would be "i dont want to mess them up like my stepdad did to me." they love him though. he has true fun uncle energy. i could see him becoming an accidental dad in wtfuture after a wild few weeks in ibiza. much to matts disappointment and tords annoyance

[asshlyyyy]

Thank you @girlnairb for tagging me in this! This one is quite long so if you don’t want to read it go ahead and just ignore this. However! If you want to get to know me a little bit more... Go ahead and keep on reading!

Here is the original post! I shortened some of the questions! @aconflagrationofmyown came up with this. Don’t take offense when I said the options were bad! I mean it nicelyyyy

1. When and what was your first exposure to Elvis Presley?

100% It was Lilo and Stitch. And because of that damn movie, I thought Elvis was born and raised in hawaii. You can’t tell me otherwise you thought differently.

2. And what was your first impression?

Well, I was a young little child. I probably just thought that it was good music. This was years ago, so I’m going off of brain memory right now.

3. Lace shirt or jumpsuits?

Jumpsuits. I thought about this for awhile, because there are way more jumpsuits, then lace shirts. Now, you can never forget the feeling the lace shirts give, but those jumpsuits... They are something else.

4. You can steal one of Elvis/Austin/s outfits, what’s it going to be?

Okay, I don’t know how many of you have seen, “Elvis, that’s the way it is”, but the shirts he wears when they are practicing. The bright purple patterned one, the red aututom kind of one. I want those, but if we’re only doing one. I would take the red one. This one!

5. What’s your favorite random Elvis quote?

UH- I don’t necessary know any off by heart. There isn’t something that I am necessary quoting. Call me a fake fan all you want. I have issues ;-;

6. Did you find Austin Butler’s lips distracting despite them being in a movie about the King of plush upper lips?

Some moments yes, some moments no. I think where there was nothing else to look at... 100%, other times when my eyes are flashing around the whole screen... no. 

7. What’s an aspect of Elvis’ character you wish more people appreciated?

There are like three things. A) He was a reader, and I hardly ever see it mentioned in any types of fics. (From my knowledge) B) Dude was hella religious. He loved God and its hardly shown in some fics. Sure, it hardly needs to be shown, but. C) Dude was hella afraid of sex. Truely, when he was sent off to Germany and he learned what prostitutes were... dude was scare. And I a lot of people in their mind few Elvis as someone who was sex crazed.He was scared earlier on. These are just my opinions. And fics are written in our own way, but its nice to see real aspects of Elvis in them.

8. You meet Col. TOm Parker for the first time, forewarned with the knowledge of what a scumbag he is, what do you do? (Multiple choice, check out the options on the original post)

C) You encourage Elvis to leave him and break the contract

9. What was your favorite aspect/ scene from the Elvis 2022 movie?

1:59:55-2:00:59 (I just love seeing all the jumpsuits)

10. You can only choose only one song or piece of media to convince someone to become ab Elvis fan, what is it going to be?

This picture. Because you cannot tell me you... that you don’t feel some type of way... The no undershirt.. the messy hair... You can just tell how tall he is... UGH.

11. How many children would you give Elvis Presley from your own - or theroretical- womb?

Three or four... Yes, I would say three... and if another one happens... oopsies. I wouldn’t be mad.

12. Where are you hanigng out with E.P.?

Well, I personally don’t like leaving the house. So, 100% Graceland. Not only is it just a beautiful property inside and out... There is so much stuff to do there.

13. What is the peak Elvis era?

1968-1977. LISTEN, older Elvis is getting to me. Obviously if you have read my recent fics. We got some hella good hits also after the comback special and up till he died I mean- Lets, ignore his looks the closer we get to his death... but the energy, the music, UGH.

14. How long have you been an Austin Butler fan?

First time I saw him was when I was watching Zoey 101. I might’ve been only 6 when season four came out, but I still found Austin cute. Then again in iCarly, I was like... he cute. Then AGAIN in Wizards of Waverly place. THEN AGAIN, in Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. His early stuff yes, haven’t really been like ya know. I am a fan, I wouldn’t say die hard fan.

15. What kind of ELvis chick are you?

Uh, so there's two options. I am going to make up my own? I am someone who will do everything for this man, because that’s just how I am with any partner. I wouldn’t be something he sampled, or a fling? Because I wouldn’t know how to handle that.

16. Is Austin Butler an honorary southerner now?

Again, these two options suck. Because on one hand it’s “Hell no” and the other “He’s been possessed.” Listen... actors have to learn how to do accents. Doesn’t mean they become an honorary person from that area. 

17. Pick your poison in the fan-fiction realm.

Angsty fluff

18. Spit or swallow for this man?

Swallow, I am not explaining.

19. Would Gladys approve of you?

Yes, because I would do anything and everything to make this women love me. Along with Vernon. I want to be loved by everyone in that family. If not, that’s all I’m worried about. Is it me? Did I do something? Not to mention, I would treat her boy well. Like, I will buy this guy shit even though he don’t need it after a certain point.

20. Which of Elvis’ cars if your favorite?

I may know nothing about cars, but damn... I know a nice car when I see it, and Elvis had some nice ones. My favorite is this one! Yes, it is to a video... I- This was the best I could do. Don’t get me wrong, the pink cadillac is a classic and the purple one as well. But there is something about the 1973 Stutz Blackhawk... I mentioned it in my Just the Nurse fic, and I- Maybe it’s the black with the red interior... But UGH.

21. What are your odds for beating this man at karate?

Odds honey? My odds are at a 0. I am small. This dude could walk over me-

22. If you could meet Elvis and have enough composure to tell him something, what would it be?

“It’s okay to ask for help. You are not alone in this situation in the slightest. People want to help you.”

23. What are you top 3 go-to Elvis songs?

FUCK. I knew somewhere at some point someone would ask me my favorite Elvis song, or my top so many Elvis songs. So, goddamn it. Also... I totally used the medley one from Recorded Live on Stage in Memphis cause... hehe. It’s TECHINCALLY ONE SONG.

Burning Love

Promise Land

Long Tall Sally/ Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On/ Mama Don’t Dance / Flip, Flop and Fly/ Jailhouse Rock/ Hound Dog

24. What’s a hoppy or pasteime of yours you wish you chould share with Elvis/Austin!Elvis

Painting! I feel like Elvis would’ve made some interesting art!

25. What’s the Elvis 2022 quote you’ve been mumbling to yourself ever since you heart it?

43:18-43:20, “I am not!”

26. If you could spare him one tragedy what woult it be?

100% Gladys’ death. If she didn’t die, not only would she have convinced him to leave the Colonel, he would’ve been better in the mind set as well.

27. Is there a modern artist that sorta scratches for you the itch that Elvis’ absence leaves?

I’m taking this in the sense that... A modern artist you love that gives you the same happiness that Elvis’ songs do. 5 Seconds of Summer. Hands down. Thank you.

28. How did you react at the end of the movie when In The Ghetto started to play?

E) I may have appeared emotionless but in fact my soul was leaving my body and I don’t think it’s returned quite yet.

Okay! I first saw this in the theater with my mom and granny! I did not want to cry in front of them. When I watched it again when it came out on prime... I balled my eyes out.

29. If you’ve got a favorite gif or photo insert it here and bless us all.

For once I’m early on something and I haven’t seen them do this... This took a long time just to say... I can’t- It took me quite some time.

I tag // @presleysnotes, @heavenlybutler, @venus-haze, @emmymaehereeeeee, and @murdererfromthestart​... Because those are the only people I talk to.

[awigglycultist]

Okay hatchetfield zombie apocalypse au bc why not ("but tgwdlm is a zombie apocalypse" shh no that's an alien musical apotheosis and also this is won't be the exact same as tgwdlm)

This ended up being way longer than I thought it would and also kinda ramblely (is that a word??) oops. So read the rest under the cut

Okay this takes place in 2019

Emma and Paul are together, emam ofc suggests they going to her cooky reclusive biology professor

This isn't the apocalypse Henry excepted and he doesn't like that, but hey he still prepped for an apocalypse so he's safe

Since this isn't a musical apocalypse and it'd probably be pretty hard to get money off of someone during a zombie apocalypse, so he's currently not trying to murder anyone

He let's Emma and Paul stay with him

But then Emma is like "hey you have room do you think my nephew, brother in law and his gf could stay with us? The gf's a nurse she could be helpful!!"

He eventually agrees

Then Paul's like "hey my coworkers are kid dumb asses there's know way they're surviving an apocalypse on their own can they stay with us? And also one of them has daughter and the other has a little brother (cough cough HCB) them too?"

And then Hidgens ends up agreeing to that, and then Alice and HCB are ofc both like "wait hold on our friends-" (ie: Deb, Ziggs, Grace Chasity (this would be HCB's friends not Alice's ofc), Cineplex kid (because I said so) Ethan (also Tony, my beloved) Lex and Hannah (once again, because I said so, do we seem them interact? No, but they're friends now)

And Hidgens at this point is like "well fucking fine I guess so! Bring em here we have a bunch of ppl already so why not!!"

All of these people, living under one roof (albeit a very big roof) is ofc chaos!

I'd imagine ppl kinda stay in groups a bit tho. Like the teens stay with each other for the most part. CCRP gang hangs out together most. Ect.

Still, very chaotic. The teens (really mostly Deb, Ethan and Lex) causing plenty of trouble. The adults all being dumb asses. Plenty of arguments between Bill and Ted ofc. And probably several arguments between the nerdy prudes (grace, hcb and cineplex) and the other teens. Probably one fight between Alice and Ziggs but it gets settled quickly and they figure everything out and clear the air and become good friends.

I mean you think this amount of ppl, particularly this certain group of ppl, are going to be well organized durning the apocalypse? Hell no!

Hidgens is the only one that actually understands shit about apocalypse, he's the one who prepared! (once again: although for the wrong one) so he's constantly having to be like "no we can't do that that's dangerous!!" Emma, Alice and Lex are the only other really competent ones.

Hidgens ofc spends his time trying to find a cure, Emma helps him. If life ever goes back to normal she has an automatic A in his class for the rest of college just for going through this shit and helping him.

Tom, Bill, and Tony are the dads. They're obviously dealing with the kids. But the do mainly try and focus on their own kid because... That their kid ofc they care about them the most. But they try to take care of the other kids too.

Bill has a rough time connecting with anyone besides Alice. But Grace was always nice to him church so there's that. And ofc Alice has gf, a gf he doesn't like a ton but now he's very much stuck with so he might as well try and get along with. They eventually do.

Tom ofc like I said cares most about Tim. But after him the next he cares most about are CaliforMIA gang. Lex and Ethan were his students (I know it's not confirmed that Ethan was one of students but he is now bc I want him to be), probably his favorite students, and that Lex's little sister who's only a few years older than Tim, ofc he's also gonna care a lot about them.

Tony also cares alot about Lex and Hannah, that's his son's gf and her little sister, once again, ofc he'll care about them alot too.

Becky absolutely cares about all the kids a ton!! She's a nurse who works with kids, she's very nurturing and mother like. She cares for and about them all fairly equally but Tim is her favorite because... Well that's her bf's son and she's known him the longest out of any of the kids ofc. Lex and Hannah end up loving Becky alot because she's so much kinder and sweet than their biological mother.

Before the apocalypse Ted took care of HCB, now he's still taking care of him ofc. Ted doesn't want to be taking care of any of the kids besides his brother. He wants to drink and party and stuff. I mean it's the apocalypse so why not? But he ends up taking care of Grace and Cineplex quite a bit too. This happens not bc others aren't taking care of them, they are being taken by the other plenty well (like I said the dads and Becky all care for all the kids they just have favorites) but because they see HCB going to Ted for almost everything and Ted doing stuff for/helping out HCB so they're like "well okay guess we'll go to him too" He's not happy about it. He already has to deal with his obnoxious little nerdy prude bother and now there's two more? But part of them reminds him a lot of himself when he was younger. Maybe that's why he doesn't like them, or also maybe that's why secretly likes them a ton?

Hidgens, Emma, Ted, Tom and Lex are the ones that go out most often because they're the only who are really able to fight off the zombies and stay safe a stuff (okay Ted not so much as the others but they bring him anwyay cause Henry's like "he looks like he can use gun or something" and Emma, Paul, Bill and Charlotte are all like "this is a horrible idea don't bring him" but they do anwyay. He doesn't kill any of the others so hey why not keep bringing him? Besides if something goes wrong they can use him as bait or throw him to the zombies to get them off the rest of the group /hj)

Other ppl in Hatchetfield exist of course and are out they're trying to survive. Sam and Pamela are some of the first to die that's karma bitch

Lex and Hannah were living with Pamela ofc when the apocalypse hit, the girls wanted to go somewhere safer but Pam wouldn't let them, then one day she went out and got turned into a Zombie, the girls quickly took that as their chance to escape and they went to Tony and Ethan and then ofc ended up at Hidgens'

Charlotte was with Sam before he turned into a Zombie and then when he did she ran to Ted & HCB and stayed with them before they ended up at Hidgens'

Gary and MIAH are together and trying to survive on they're own. Sylvia, Melissa, and Greenpeace Girl end up meeting each other and decide to gang up together and they're badasses. Dan and Donna are two focused on the news and finding out if Peanuts is surving (which yes, Peanuts, (as well as Papa Ed.. At least for a while) are doing fine) and they die pretty quickly. Holloway and Duke are doing great, Holloway's a witch so yeah she's good and ofc Duke is with her so he's good too.

Lucy is in Hatchetfield and she's already in the woods vibing with Chumby before the apocalypse hits (THAM doesn't happen in this universe and instead Lucy ends up finding Chumby own her own because uh??? Reasons??? Idk bc I said so) the two of them have no idea there's a zombie apocalypse. The Paul clones take this apocalypse as they're chance to escape, Paul23 leading the uprising ofc, they don't kill Paul and take his place tho, instead it's more like "there's a zombie apocalypse? Oh fuck yeah!" *escapes* "oh theres a zombie apocalypse oh no-" some try to stay in a group and live together, some try to go out their own. There's now a bunch of random Pauls and Paul zombies around town. The main gang do end up seeing the clones and they're all just kind like "uhhh wtf???" except Paul, he's absolutely freaking out, the clones kinda are just "uhh haha how do we explain this".

Spoiler alert: the world isn't destroyed. How? Not totally sure yet but probably through Hidgens managing to find a cure and time travel. Emdriod has traveled back in time to replace Emma, but oopsie she didn't travel back far enough so she can't kill Emma in Guatemala, so she goes to Hatchetfield in hopes she can kill Emma when no ones looking and just replace her then, but oh no there's apocalypse so thats a much bigger issue. She survives easily, she's strong af, doesn't need food, all that jazz. She and Emma do meet each other and it's another "wtf?" "how do I explain this?" situation. But Emdriod lies ofc and kinda explains what happened but said that she accidentally time travelled and leaves out the whole wanted to kill her part. Now the Emdriod has found Emma she does try to kill her, that's awfully hard to do tho considering Emma is literally always with a group of people, and Emdriod doesn't want to just kill Emma right in front of everyone bc then they'll all hate her and her goal isn't to just kill Emma it's too replace her. She end up giving up and she runs into Paul 23 and they bond of my doubles of someone and wanted to kill that somoen at first and then fall in love and kill zombies together :)

Ohh uhh other ships: Paulkins, Lexthan, Barneston, Potseed (Alice x Deb) ofc. Charted, Obnoxious Teens (HCB x Cineplex Kid) oh and ofc Holloduke. Uhh Bill x being okay for once, Ted x probably not dying for once (not too sure about that one yet) Hidgens x not actually trying to murder someone for once

Wait wait I just got idea: the zombie apocalypse occurs BECAUSE of Hidgens, he tries too bring back the working boys (remember his original backstory with accidentally killing them and stuff??)

Okay I think that's all I got for now

[honeypiehotchner]

Trust -- part thirty-eight

It’s Best Man Speech time! Also, I’m a liar. This chapter is not the last. The next one is. Oopsies! ;)

“Pray silence for the best man.”

           You squeeze Sherlock’s hand as he stands to his feet, buttoning his jacket and smoothing it down. He really is nervous.

           But to be fair, you’re a little nervous, too. He wouldn’t let you hear the speech—He wouldn’t let anyone hear it, actually. This is brand new to everyone. And while that should be exciting, since it’s Sherlock, it’s a little nerve-wracking.

           John is beaming, though, grinning from ear to ear – possibly a little buzzed. But he does really love Sherlock, and you know that, even when he doesn’t want to admit it. You know those two have a bond like no other. The Baker Street boys, as Mary calls them.

           “Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends. And, um…others.”

           Sherlock’s stuttering continues, prompting you reach up and thread your fingers through his. He glances down, smiling a little.

           “Telegrams,” you hear your brother mutter, and then Sherlock is back.

           “Right, um…” Sherlock picks up the cards. “First things first, telegrams. Well, they’re not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams, I don’t know why. Wedding tradition. Because we don’t have enough of that already, apparently.”

           “Sherlock,” you whisper warningly.

           He settles again, nodding. “To Mr. and Mrs. Watson. So sorry I’m unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck, and best wishes, Mike Stamford.”

           Ah, Mike. You chuckle.

           “To John and Mary. All good wishes for your special day. With love and many big…big squishy cuddles from Stella and Ted.” Sherlock sighs. “Mary, lots of love—Oh.”

           John looks up at him. “Yeah?”

           “…poppet.”

           Mary snickers, leaning forward to catch you stifling your own laughter.

           “Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes from Cam. Wish your family could’ve seen this.”

           You lean forward at that, giving Mary a look of sympathy as John takes her hand in his, comfortingly.

           Sherlock carries on, not missing a beat. “Special day…Very special day…Love…Love…Love…Love…Love. Bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People are basically fond.”

           Here we go, you think, wanting to smack Sherlock in the arm, but you decide against it.

           “John Watson. My friend, John Watson. John. When John first broached the subject of being best man, I was confused. I confess at first, I didn’t realize he was asking me. When finally, I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and surprised. I explained to him that I had never expected this request, and that I was a little daunted in the face of it. I nonetheless promised that I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was, for me, as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he placed in me and indicated that I was, in some ways, very closed to being moved by it. It later transpired that I had said none of this out loud.”

           The room erupts with laughter, especially coming from John. You laughed loudly, too, because that definitely wasn’t the story you remembered John telling you.

           Sherlock begins rummaging in his coat for some cards. “So…done that. Done that. Done that bit. Done that bit.”

           He takes a deep breath. And continues.

           “I’m afraid John that I can’t congratulate you.”

           Your eyebrows furrow. Odd start. Maybe you should’ve forced him to practice the speech in front of you.

           “All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society and in time, one feels certain, our entire species.”

           The room stills. You stare down at your hands, a little bit worried for the rest of this, and still regretting the fact that you never took a peek at his speech before today.

           “But anyway, let’s talk about John.”

           “Please,” you hear John clear his throat, shifting around in his seat.

           “If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes in truth from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.”

           You tilt your head. That was an insult, wasn’t it?

           “It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel.”

           Is he…serious? He absolutely has to be kidding.

           “And contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity to the family idiot.”

           The room rustles again, and you clasp your hands together, willing yourself to keep listening.

           “The point I’m trying to make it that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous,” Sherlock pauses to look down at you, nudging your arm so you’ll look at him. “I am unaware of the beautiful.” He smiles only softly, then turning to Mary and John. “And uncomprehending in the face of the happy.”

           You smile sadly.

           “So, if I didn’t understand that I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. And certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.

           “John, I am a ridiculous man. Redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship and the love from the woman sat to my left.”

           Your breath hitches. You weren’t expecting him to mention you at all.

           “But as I am, apparently, your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion.” Sherlock pauses, the corners of his mouth twitching. “Actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss. So sorry again about that last one.”

           You chuckle softly. He’ll forever be apologizing for the time he was ‘dead.’

           “So know this. Today, you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man and woman you have no doubt saved. In short, the three people who love you move in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary and Y/N as well when I say we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.”

           You reach up and wipe a stray tear away from your cheek, chuckling a little when Sherlock doesn’t seem to notice he’s gotten the rest of the reception hall crying as well.

           “Ah, yes. Now on to some funny stories about John…” Sherlock frowns. “What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? John? Y/N?”

           “Love…” You shake your head, smiling despite your own watery eyes.

           “Did I do it wrong?”

           “No, you didn’t,” John mutters, pushing his chair back. “Come here.”

           The room applauds while the two of them hug, Sherlock still not understanding anything at all as he tries to continue over the noise. John pats his shoulder and says something to make him stop, but you don’t hear.

           After John is settled back in his chair, Sherlock continues.

           “So, onto some funny stories about John. If you could all just cheer up a bit, that would…be better.” Everyone laughs. “On we go. So, for funny stories, one has to look no further than John’s blog. The record of our time together. Of course, he does tend to romanticize things a big, but then, you know, he’s a romantic.

           “We’ve tackled some strange cases. The Hollow Client. The Poisoned Giant. We’ve had some frustrating cases. Touching cases,” Sherlock rolls his eyes. “And of course, I have to mention, The Elephant in the Room. But we want something very particular for this special day. The Bloody Guardsman.”

           Ah, you remember. The unsolved one. From wedding planning weeks ago.

           “Private Steven Bainbridge had written to us with a concern about someone possibly stalking him. A bloke, no less. Private Bainbridge had just come off guard duty. He’d stood there for hours, plenty of people watching, nothing apparently wrong. He came off duty and within minutes was nearly dead from a wound in his stomach but there was no weapon. Where did it go?

           “Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to consider this: A murderer who can walk through walls. A weapon that can vanish. But in all of this, there is only one element which can be said to be truly remarkable. Would anyone like to make a guess?”

           Good lord. You definitely should’ve looked at his speech.

           “Come on, come on. There is actually an element of Q&A to all of this.” Sherlock clears his throat. “Scotland Yard, have you got a theory?”

           “Don’t pick on Greg,” you mutter.

           “Yeah, you. You’re a detective, broadly speaking. Got a theory?”

           Lestrade crosses his arms over his chest, deciding to entertain Sherlock. “Er, um…If the uh, if the blade was propelled through the um…grating in the air vent… Maybe a ballista or a catapult, uh, somebody tiny could crawl in there. So yeah, we’re looking for a dwarf.”

           “Brilliant.”

           “Really?”

           “No.”

           You shake your head.

           “Hello, who was that? Tom.”

           Sure enough, Tom stands from his chair, Molly sending a frightened look your way. This is going to end badly, it always does when Sherlock gets in one of these moods.

           “Got a theory?”

           “He attempted suicide with a blade made of compacted blood and bone. Broke after piercing his abdomen, like a meat…dagger.”

           “A meat dagger?”

           “Yes.”

           “No.”

           Tom sits back down, and Sherlock continues, clearly annoyed. “There was one feature and only one feature of interest in the whole of this baffling case and quite frankly, it was the usual. John Watson. Who while I was trying to solve the murder, instead saved a life.

           “There are mysteries worth solving and stories worth telling. The best and bravest man I know and on top of that he actually knows how to do that. Except wedding planning and serviettes, he’s rubbish at that.”

           Everyone chuckles at the slight joke.

           “The case itself remains the most ingenious and brilliantly planned murder or attempted murder I’ve ever had the pleasure to encounter. The most perfect locked-room mystery of which I am aware.

           “However, I’m not just here to praise John, I’m also here to embarrass him so let’s move onto some—”

           “No, wait. So how was it done?” Greg interrupts.

           “How was what done?”

           “The stabbing.”

           “He never solved it,” you chime.

           “Yes,” Sherlock nods. “I never solved that one. It can happen sometimes. It’s very…very disappointing. Embarrassment leads me on to the stag night.”

           Oh, dear Lord.

           This night was the night you, Mary, and Molly got together and had dinner before having essentially a big sleepover at John and Mary’s. Because John was out with Sherlock all night, apparently doing something along the lines of having a beer at every place they’ve solved a murder.

           It’s okay, you found the idea weird, too. But Molly said she calculated everything correctly, so they should be fine. Even if it was odd that Sherlock asked her to calculate anything in the first place.

           But anyway, while the three of you were drinking wine and sharing idiot stories of your significant others, John and Sherlock were getting absolutely pissed.

           “‘Course, there’s hours of material here, but I’ve cut it down to the really good bits.”

           Apparently, they were only out for two hours before returning to Baker Street. Mrs. Hudson said she nearly had a heart attack when she walked out with her trash to find them snoozing on the stairs, drunkenly mumbling to each other.

           And then they had a client. Of all things, they had a client that night.

           “The Mayfly Man.”

           They also got arrested, which Lestrade wasted no time calling you about and starting off with saying, “You’re not gonna believe this shit.” You thought it was going to be much worse than what it was, but at least Lestrade was able to get them bailed out with no problem. And thankfully, it never turned up in the papers.

           You still remember after that when Sherlock continued investigating. You were sat in his chair when he had probably six or seven laptops open, talking to all of these women who had encountered the Mayfly Man. John was here as well, helping with the case on his day off.

           Apparently, Sherlock had asked a question to the women and immediately every single one of them signed off. You had warned him to let you help, but he didn’t want you to. He didn’t want to come off as too knowing.

           “Why? Why would he date all of those women and not return their calls?” Sherlock slams the laptop closed, straightening up and buttoning his blazer.

           John snorts. “You’re missing the obvious, mate.”

           “Am I?”

           “You are,” you nod. “He’s a man.”

           Sherlock still doesn’t get it. “So? I’m a man.”

           “You’re a different breed,” you chuckle.

           “But why would he change his identity?” Sherlock asks the rhetorical question to the wedding guests, not noticing their lack of interest. “He was married. Obvious, really. Our Mayfly Man was trying to escape the suffocating chains of domesticity and instead of endless nights in watching telly or going to barbeques with the awful, dreadful, boring people he couldn’t stand, he used his wits, cleverness and powers of disguise to play the field. He was—” Sherlock stops, suddenly surveying the room and seeing their tired faces. He turns to you and you shake your head, motioning for him to stop the story.

           He nods. “On second thoughts, maybe I probably should’ve told you about The Elephant in the Room.

           “However, it does help to further illustrate how invaluable John is to me. I can read a crime scene the way he can understand a human being. I used to think that’s what made me special. Quite frankly, I still do. But a word to the wise: Should any of you require the services of either of us, I will solve your murder, but it will take John Watson to save your life. Trust me on that, I should know. He’s saved mine so many times and in so many ways.

           “This blog,” Sherlock gestures with his phone, “is the story of two men and their frankly ridiculous adventures. Of murder, mystery, and mayhem. But from now on, there’s a new story. A bigger adventure.”

           You watch with a smile as Sherlock glances to the happy couple, and then you watch in surprise as he looks to you.

           “Ladies and gentlemen pray charge your glasses and be upstanding.” You stand with your glass in hand. “Today begin the adventures of Mary Elizabeth Watson and John Hamish Watson. The two reasons why every single one of us is—”

           Sherlock freezes.

           His glass falls from his hands, but no matter about that. You know that look in his eyes. He’s gone. Albeit for a split second, but he’s gone.

           It’s almost like he’s gone to his mind palace.

           The glass shatters as it hits the floor, the noise startling Sherlock back into the real world. He blinks, looking down at the mess he made and tries to brush past it.

           “Oh, sorry, I—” He shakes his head, clearing his throat.

           “Another glass, sir?”

           “Thank you, yes. Thank you. Now, where were we?”

           “Sherlock…” You whisper.

           He looks to you briefly before continuing on. “Ah, yes, raising glasses and standing up. Very good, thank you… And down again.”

           You sit down quickly, casting a worried glance in John and Mary’s direction. The rest of the guests follow, confusion coating their faces.

           “Ladies and gentlemen, people tell you not to milk a good speech. Get off early, leave them laughing. Wise advice I’ll certainly try to bear in mind, but for now…”

           “Sherlock!” You hiss as he jumps over the table.

           “Part two!” He walks down the middle. “Part two is more action based, I’m gonna walk around, shake things up a bit.

           “Who’d go to a wedding? That’s the question? Who would bother to go to any lengths to get themselves to a wedding…? Well, everyone!” Sherlock turns around, clapping his hands. “Weddings are great. Love a wedding.”

           Mary leans forward to look at you. “What’s he doing?”

           “Something’s wrong,” you whisper back. “I don’t know what.”

           “And John’s great, too,” Sherlock points back to the front. “I haven’t said that enough, barely scratched the surface. I could go on all night about the depth and complexity of his jumpers. And he can cook, does a thing – A thing with peas, once. Might not be peas, might not be him, but he’s got a great singing voice – Or somebody does…

           “Too many, too many, too many, too many!” Sherlock screams. He stops himself, turning back around. “Sorry, too many jokes about John. Now, uh… Where was I? Ah, yes. Speech! Speech. Let’s talk about…murder.”

           “Christ, Sherlock,” you smack your forehead.

           “Sorry, did I say murder? I meant to say marriage. But, you know, they’re…quite similar procedures when you think about it, the participants tend to know each other and it’s over when one of them’s dead. In fairness, murder is a lot quicker, though.”

           You watch as Sherlock pulls out his phone and begins texting behind his back – something you hate when he does, but now it’s only worrying you further.

           “Jeff, the gents.” Sherlock looks at Lestrade.

           “It’s Greg!”

           “The loos, please.”

           “Why?”

           “Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s your turn?” Sherlock nods toward the door as Lestrade’s phone beeps. So, Sherlock was texting him. You wish he’d text you to let you know what the hell is going on right now.

           Lestrade looks at his phone and his eyes widen. “Yeah, actually, now that you mention it.” And he disappears through the doors.

           “Sherlock,” John calls out. “Any chance of an end date to this speech? We’ve gotta cut the cake.”

           “Oh! Ladies and gentlemen, can’t stand it when I finally get the chance to speak for once – Vatican Cameos.”

           Your eyes widen. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

           “What did he just say?”

           You scoot over to Sherlock’s seat next to John’ careful of the broken glass. “Vatican Cameos,” you murmur. “It means someone’s going to die.”

           “Not you, not you, you,” Sherlock points to John. “It’s always you. John Watson, you keep me right.”

           John stands to meet Sherlock. “What do I do?”

           “You’ve already done it,” Sherlock whispers, glancing to you. “Don’t solve the murder. Save the life.

           “Sorry,” Sherlock inhales sharply, turning back around. “Off-piste a bit, back now, phew! Let’s play a game. Let’s play murder. Imagine someone’s going to get murdered at a wedding. Who exactly would you pick?”

           “I think you’re a popular choice at the moment, dear,” you hear Mrs. Hudson say, bringing a small smile to your face.

           “If someone could move Mrs. Hudson’s glass just slightly out of reach, that would be lovely. More importantly, who could you only kill at a wedding?”

           Your eyes widen. They lock with Sherlock’s. There’s a brief moment where you wonder if it’s you. After all, this morning was the only time you traveled without Sherlock in a long time. But it doesn’t make sense, you don’t fit. He’s here with you now, and no one was close to you when he wasn’t.

           Sherlock shakes his head slightly. You’re safe.

           “Most people you can kill just any old place,” he continues. “As a mental exercise, I’ve often planned the murder of friends and colleagues. Now, John, I’d poison. Sloppy eater, dead easy. Y/N is a different story. To poison her would ultimately insure my own death sentence. Lestrade’s so easy to kill, it’s a miracle no one’s succumbed to the temptation. I’ve got a pair of keys to my brother’s house, I could easily break in there and asphyxiate him…if the whim arose.

           “So, once again, who could you only kill here?”

           Sherlock’s eyes lock with yours again and you mouth, “Isolated.”

           “Clearly, it’s a rare opportunity, so it’s someone who doesn’t get out much. Someone for whom a planned social encounter known about months in advance is an exception. Has to be a unique opportunity. And since killing someone in public difficult, killing them in private isn’t an option. Someone who lives in an inaccessible or unknown location, then. Someone private, perhaps, obsessed with personal security. Possibly someone under threat.”

           When Sherlock looks to Major James Sholto, you sigh, letting your eyes fall closed. You should’ve known from the minute your brain told you it had to be someone who is truly isolated. Major Sholto is the only one true fit to that statement.

           “Or, a recluse,” Sherlock speaks, now obviously filling the time as he writes something on a card. “Small, house hold staff. High turnover for additional security. Probably have all signed confidentiality agreements.

           “There is another question that remains, however, a rather big one. How would you do it? How do you kill someone in public? There has to be a way. This has been planned.”

           Your eyes widen. “The Bloody Guardsman,” you blurt. “The killer that can walk through walls. The weapon that vanishes.”

           Sherlock stares off when he hears you, Major Sholto standing and leaving in the meantime. Sherlock nods to you. “Not just planned, planned and rehearsed.”

           He slides back up to the front, grabbing a random glass. “Ladies and gentlemen, there will now be a short interlude. To the bride and groom!”

           Everyone stands for the toast, but Sherlock whirls around, leaning down to the table. “Major Sholto’s going to be murdered. I don’t know how or by whom but it’s going to happen.” Sherlock abruptly kisses you on the forehead before turning and moving his way through the crowd. “Excuse me, coming through, consulting.”

           John gives Mary a kiss before standing, looking to the both of you and saying, “Stay here.”

           As soon as he gets around the table, though, you and Mary look at each other and nod. You stand, linking arms and pushing your way through the crowd, careful not to trip on your dresses as you search for where Sherlock and John went.

           You round the corner just as your brother is laying into Sherlock for not remembering Major Sholto’s room number.

           You roll your eyes and say, “207,” as you and Mary push between them.

           The four of you bound up the stairs and to the left, Major Sholto’s door right at the end of the hall. Sherlock immediately begins banging on the door, trying the handle.

           “Major Sholto!” Sherlock yells, hitting the door with an open hand.

           The Major speaks from behind the door. “If someone’s about to make an attempt on my life, it won’t be the first time. I’m ready.”

           “Major,” John steps forward. “Let us in. Or I’ll kick this bloody door down.”

           “I really wouldn’t,” he calls out. “I have a gun in my hand and a lifetime of unfortunate reflexes.”

           “You’re not safe in there. Whoever’s after you, we know that a locked room doesn’t stop him.”

           “Yes, I know. The invisible man with the invisible knife.”

           “I don’t know how he does it, so I can’t stop him and that means he’ll do it again.”

           “Solve it, then.”

           “I’m sorry?”

           “You’re the famous Mr. Holmes. Solve the case, on you go. Tell me how he did it, and I’ll open the door.”

           Sherlock shakes his head, stepping away.

           “Please, this is no time for games. Just let us in, you’re in danger!” John’s voice cracks on a matter of urgency, and the knot is your stomach is twisting dangerously tight.

           “So are you, so long as you’re here,” the Major counters. “Please, leave me. Despite my reputation, I really do not approve of collateral damage.”

           “Solve it,” Mary blurts.

           “Sorry?”

           “Solve it and he’ll open the door, like he said.”

           “I couldn’t solve it before, how can I solve it now?”

           “Because it matters now!” Mary cries.

           “What are you talking about? What’s she talking about? Get your wife under control.”

           “She’s right,” John replies, deadly serious.

           “Oh, you’ve changed!”

           You smack Sherlock’s arm harshly, finally succumbing to the urge you’ve had all evening. “Shut up!” Sherlock looks back at you, dejected and holding his shoulder where you hit it. “She’s right. You are not a puzzle solver, you idiot, you never were. You’re a goddamned drama queen. Now, there is a man in there about to die, the game is fucking on, solve it.”

           Sherlock’s eyes widen, though you can’t tell if it’s in shock or realization, but then he turns to the door, and you hear he’s solved it. “Major Sholto, no one’s coming to kill you. I’m afraid you’ve already been killed several hours ago.”

           “What did you say?”

           “Don’t take off your belt.”

           “The belt,” you mutter. “Of course.”

           “Bainbridge was stabbed hours before we even saw him. But it was through his belt – tight belt, worn high on the waist. Very easy to push a small blade through the fabric and you wouldn’t even feel it.”

           “The belt would bind the flesh together when it was tight. And when you took it off…” John trails away.

           “Exactly. Delayed action stabbing.”

           “Neat,” you mutter, then realizing what you’ve said, you grimace. “Sorry.”

           “You’re supposed to open the door, Major, he solved the case.”

           Silence.

           “Whatever you’re doing in there James, stop it, right now, I will kick this door down!” John yells.

           “You and I are very similar Mr. Holmes,” the Major continues. “There’s a proper time to die, isn’t there?”

           “There is.”

           “And one should embrace it when it comes. Like a soldier.”

           “Of course, but not at John’s wedding!” Sherlock screams. “We wouldn’t do that, would we, you and me? We would never do that to John Watson.”

           Sherlock steps away from the door, and right as John is getting ready to ram his foot through the door, it opens.

           John and Mary disappear into the room, leaving you and Sherlock in the hallway. He suddenly picks you up by your waist and spins you around, setting you down to press a firm kiss to your lips.

           “You’re a drama queen, too,” he pouts.

           “Shut up,” you shake your head, pulling him back into you for another kiss.

[thirsttrapholland]

Title:  The Ikea Test

Pairing: Tom Holland x Black Reader

Summary: There are several major milestones that can make or break a new relationship.  But nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to the first time you try to put together a piece of Ikea furniture.

Warnings: None really.  Maybe some language.  Mostly just fluff.  A little suggestive at the end.  Reckless comma usage.

Word Count: 1296

 Hour One

You and Tom stood in silent disbelief wondering how so many parts could have come out of what was such a relatively small box.

Tom was trying to play it cool, but you had no problem admitting that the two of you might have bitten off more than you could chew. “Maybe I should hire one of those handyman services to put this together.”

“Absolutely unnecessary.”

“Look at all these parts and screws.   The instruction manual doesn’t even have any words in it. I don’t know if we can do this.”

“Babe, this stuff is specifically designed for people to put together at home on their own.  I say we put on some music, crack open a couple of beers and we’ll knock this out in no time.”  Tom pulled you into a hug and laid a kiss against your temple.  “An hour or two.  Tops.”

 Hour Three 

You emerged from the kitchen balancing two plates and a couple of beers.  You had left Tom in charge of your project while you made the two of you a couple of sandwiches.  You came back and found him hammering on something that you were about ninety-nine percent sure shouldn’t have been hammered on.  “Where’s the instruction manual?”

Tom pointed to the corner where the manual laid upside down as though it had been thrown in frustration.  “We don’t need it.”

“And what’s all this?”  Several bags of nuts, screws and random things that you didn’t even know the names for, had been thrown back in the box.  “Shouldn’t we be using these?”

Tom took a bite of his sandwich before answering you. “It’s just a fact that they give you extra stuff.  Like suggested materials.  You don’t actually have to use everything they put in the box.”

“That doesn’t sound right to me.”

“Babe, just let me work alright? I’ve got this.” 

Hour Four

Tom sat slumped in defeat with his chin resting in the palm of his hand.  “Maybe I should give Harrison a call?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Why?”

“I feel like somehow between the two of you, not only would this thing not get put together, you’d manage to wreck something else.   No thanks.”

“That’s not fair. It’s not like we’re a couple of idiots just running around breaking things.”

“Need I refer you to the microwave incident?”

“It’s not right for you to keep bringing that up. We did buy you a new one.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Also, in our defense the container looked like it was microwave safe.  I know it said it wasn’t, but it definitely looked like it should have been.  And even so, how were we supposed to know it would explode?”

“I’m not getting into this with you again, Tom.”    

“Okay, okay.  No Haz.  What about Harry?”

You couldn’t stop yourself from laughing out loud.  “Boy, bye.  Harry is not coming over here for this.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You can text him if you want, but I can tell you right now he’s too smart to get in the middle of this mess.”

“I think I know my own brother a little better than you do,” Tom said while tapping away on his phone.  “There, I just asked him to come give us a hand.”

Tom’s phone dinged signaling a reply less than a minute later.  “What did he say?”

“He said, and this is a direct quote, ‘No way in hell’.”

“I’m not the type to say I told you so, but-” You shrugged your shoulders not even bothering to finish your sentence.

“Well you don’t have to look so smug about it.”

“No, actually I do.  Because I told you so.”

 Hour Five

“That’s not the same piece.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Babe, I need you to take your glasses off, give them a good wipe down then put them back on and take another look, because I don’t know how you’re not seeing that this” he said while shaking the L-shaped piece of wood in his hand, “Is that.”  He pointed to the instruction manual.  “And it goes there.” As he gestured vaguely to the right of the lopsided monstrosity the two of you had created.

“You call me babe one more time and I can guarantee you that one of us is leaving here in a body bag, Thomas.”

“Oh, that’s real mature.”

Without saying another word, you stood up and began walking towards your bedroom.

“Where are you going?”

“You obviously know what you’re doing and you don’t want to listen to a word I have to say, so finish it yourself.”

“You’re just gonna walk away and leave me with this?”

“Do whatever you want to do, Tom.   I’m going to take a nap.”  You turned on your heel, marched into your room and slammed the door hard enough to make the knick knacks on your shelves shake.

Hour Seven

You awoke with a crook in your neck.  You quietly opened your bedroom door and peeked out into the living room.  You don’t know what you were expecting to find but Tom still sitting in the middle of the floor with several empty beer bottles spread out around him certainly wasn’t it.  He had raked his hands through his hair so many times that it was standing on end, lending him a sort of ‘mad scientist bested by his creation’ look.

The broken look on his face as he directed his gaze back and forth from the instruction manual to all the unused parts that were still laying around dissipated any irritation you might have still been feeling. Also, there was nothing quite like a two hour angry nap to help you gain some perspective.

You and Tom had survived meeting each others’ friends and family.  You had traveled long distances together.  You had even had an, oopsy that condom definitely just broke, moment.  All potential relationship killers and you had conquered them all.  You would be damned if you’d let yourselves be outdone by an entertainment center from Ikea.  

You walked into the living room, sat down beside him and gently removed the screwdriver from his hand.  “Tom, stop.”

“But I’ve almost got it.”

All the unused parts and various screws strewn across your living room floor were telling a much different story.   “Baby, first thing Monday morning I’m going to call somebody to come and put this thing together for me.”

“I really wanted us to do this together.  What does it say about us if we can’t put together a stupid piece of furniture without arguing?”

“It says that the people at Ikea are sadists and this really isn’t that important.”  You took Tom’s face in your hands and turned his head towards you until he was looking you in the eyes.  “So far we’ve come together on the things that really matter, haven’t we?”

“Yeah.”

“This is nothing.   And I refuse to spend one more second antagonizing each other over nothing, alright?”

“You’re right.”  Tom leaned back on the floor, pulling you down beside him.  “Besides, there are much better ways for us to be spending our Saturday night.”

“I can’t argue with that.”  You snaked your hand down his chest, letting your fingers wander underneath the waistband of his sweats.  “No boxers, Mr. Holland?  You shameless hussy.”

“You’re the one that just stuck your hand down the front of my pants.  I think we’re both shameless hussies.”

“Finally, something we can agree on.”

[coralsgrimes]

Anyone notice that the 3 recent DM submissions (brunette, boyfriend, holding hands) - you know, the ones with no pix - all type her name as Julianne hough? Like, not one of them could manage a Julianne Hough? Seems a bit odd. Someone said that DM combine multiple submissions from the same person and cos these have not been, they’re from different people. Uh hello ‘more than one email address used’ perhaps? It wouldn’t get spotted as a multi submission. I’m just suspicious of DM subs where no pix are attached. Not suggesting of course that Bulianne were not together and strolling through Manhattan bcos ofc they were, but these subs are the ones being taken as absolute proof of a romance. No PDA’s in the pap pix or the fan pic at ITW. I just think Benny is too paranoid for anything like that if there’s a chance he could get photo’d (except if it’s platonic)… cos the P in PDA is a curse word to him!

📸

😱

Soooo immma not sure if immma understanding right but will try to say what me thinks.

The Sunday spotted submissions are mosty insta DMs, and sure thing ye can make new accounts but immma also sure ye can tell someone made a throwaway. Not even deuxmoi will post shite like this. Plus message from different accounts and on probably different days? Sounds kind of excessive don't ye think? For what? Something we do already know?

The caps... Well Julianne is a name so there's like 100% chance that auto correct will do the upper case part for ye. In the into the woods one Tom Hanks and Martin Short are typed same as her. Myth busted

The PDA. Everyone be saying that boy is very physical. And true that based on photos. But look at where they come from - cons, premieres, candids with costars for social media, promos... Yep pretty much for the public. There are other pap strolls of his with other peeps and he's keeping the distance too. Plus ye can tell he ain't happy with the lil flashes in the park.

For the pic from theatre. He's holding a playbill and she got a cup. And what is the point of holding hands in the aisle between seats (dunno if there's a name for it in english soooory)? They were probably either about to sit or just stood up and were concocting a plan titled How To Talk With Mr Hanks When You Are A Nobody!

He can't interact with his friends on social media even, ye think he gonna stand close to them when fuckin paps or some NPC's are taking pics which will end up on daily mail? Yeee I don't think so x.x

They keep spiting out the narrative of them being close friends for years, cool beans. Everyone thinks otherwise tho. Either of them could say so out loud. None did, even ever present on social media fairy queen. Instead a close source, back in 2020, told the media that they are friends. Now with every new oopsie, the gossip pieces basically backquote themselves on that, no new shite... Sooo I'm basically gonna backquote myself right now. From gossip point of view, nope, the are way more than friends. It's been years and years, weird coincidences and Vatican level secrecy. No need for any kisses, would be cool if they did but not essential for the conclusion. They fucking know they can't say more cuz there might be an affair in the mix, probably maybe. We can speculate all we wanna but the court of public opinion voted on the in love option.

[takaraphoenix]

Hello, may I ask for a rant on James Bond movies now that you watched them. Since you didnt tell me too much while watching :P

*seeps through all the prompts to get to the bottom of my ask-box*

Ah.

Uhm.

*ducks head*

I’m sorry?

This was so mind-numbingly boring... I’m just not an action-film person. All that... shooting and fighting and exploding bores me. I’m the one who skips forward when they fight in the Lord of the Rings movie at the end.

The only three things I really liked were M, Q and Moneypenny.

Moneypenny kicks ass and is hot and, most importantly, she doesn’t just fuck Bond.

Q is a real cutie and a dork. I like him.

And they killed M. I’m not over that. She was the only good thing about the first two Bonds. THE ONLY. And they kill her off to replace her with a completely bland, boring dude. Urgh. *still pouting about that*

The plots were just convoluted.

Like. Bond spent the first three movies just... killing everything. At least M called him out on his shit, but that was not what I expected of Bond. I mean, going in, I expected death because I know “00 is the killing number”. But. A British spy.

I expected suave charms. Using his wits and skills of seduction to gain information. Not just... slaughter everyone and go “oopsie daisy”.

I mean, part of it is the casting.

Daniel Craig is... I think the only person with less charisma is Tom Cruise, because I legit can not think of anyone less charismatic. So, I don’t know, call me up again when they change Bonds and someone with... with Bond in them is cast. Like, if I look at a list of all the Bonds, they all have that certain charm and personality and, uh, British poshness.

And just the...

The origin story? Like? “Little Bond grew up in this very house” was... I don’t know, but Bond is one of those characters where I really don’t need a childhood story of??

Not to mention the Hydra plot.

The evil organization led by a German dude that infiltrated the gouvernment and had a fucking octopus as its logo.

...So, did Marvel sue them over this, or...? I mean??

And the “I am essentially his brother and want revenge because I’m a whiny bitter brat” was over the top and exhausting.

This just...

This really isn’t my cup of tea.

Too blatant action movie for me.

If there’s an old Bond movie that actually has intrigue and mystery and some clever usage of wit and skill, then please recommend me those, but these four Daniel Craig Bond movies were just blatantly brutal violence and dumbassery...

And, like I said in the beginning, I’m sorry. But this is not gonna be one of the things we share, I suppose... .____.°°°

[belaborthepoint]

First Dem Debate 2020

WOLF BLITZER: Here we are in Ohiowa. Biden, let's start with you. Why should you be Commander in Chief even though you supported the War in Iraq?

BIDEN: Oopsies! That was a booboo haha. Mistakes. We all make 'em.

PETE: I'm young, and I served with babies, people not old enough to vote, children without memories. They weren't there for 9/11. We will have challenges different from anything we've seen. Cyber, climate, foreign interference. We need to look to the future to learn from the past, and for me, that's personal.

WARREN: The military industrial complex is bad.

WOLF: Tom Steyer, you've never done anything and no one knows who you are. Can you speak to that?

TOM STEYER: Should I look into the camera? Yeah, this is good, this is good stuff. Okay. I worked in finance around the world. I met businesses. I agree with what Elizabeth said, it's about judgement and it doesn't matter if you have zero experience.

WARREN: Uh-

TOM STEYER: Everyone else made mistakes. And you know what? Barack Obama was a senator with no experience, just like me, a white billionaire finance bro with no experience. An outside perspective is what we need, a random dude. That's what I can bring to the table.

WOLF: How are you going to stop ISIS?

BIDEN: I was part of the Iran nuclear deal. And then guess what, we pulled out, people are saying, our allies, we both need to stand down, and now-- we just need to put it to get it in and up and just, and now, and we need to do it.

WOLF: Okay...so would you leave troops there or pull them out?

BIDEN: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I would leave them there to patrol the gulf, cause we're there already, so you know, might as well, some of them, right?

KLOBUCHAR: You need to leave some there cause of terrorism.

PETE: I remember the day, all those many years ago, I remember it, when we shipped out, saying goodbye to family. I remember walking hand in hand with my best friend, into the sunset, and his child was behind him, and he kept walking and couldn't look back, because if he did, Eurydice would be trapped in the underworld forever. I was just thinking about that story cause I saw Hadestown on Broadway last night. Just terrific.

WOLF: Biden, would you ever take military action without congressional approval?

BIDEN: Only if everyone says it's okay. I mean, we can't just take out all the troops. You can't just talk to terrorists, you have to defeat them. Otherwise we have to police everyone.

WOLF: Just to be clear, you and Obama took military action without congressional approval like a bunch of times. What's the deal?

BIDEN: We had authorization to do other things.

PETE: If our troops have the courage to go into harms way, Congress should have the courage to vote. It's all about courage. As my great-grandfather once said, it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

WOLF: Isn't that a quote from Harry Potter?

WARREN: J.K. Rowling's a TERF.

BIDEN: I don't know what that means.

WARREN: Trans-exclusionary-

BIDEN: What is trans?

PETE: I grew up with Harry Potter because I am twenty-one years old and it is very close to my heart. In a way, Albus Dumbledore has always been like a grandfather figure to me. And he was gay, even though there's no evidence of that in the text and so no actual representation. Look, Harry Potter is nostalgic for me, okay? Give me a break.

WOLF: What were we talking about?

TOM STEYER: Where's the camera? Am I looking at the-  oh, okay, here we go. I would take military action to protect the lives of American people. Terrorists are bad and I love America. We need a strategy though. And what is that? I don't know. Also, Australia is happening. Also, how can Americans prosper more?

ABBY PHILLIP: Biden, would you meet with North Korea?

BIDEN: They said I am a rabid dog and should be beaten to death with a stick.

BERNIE: Haha.

BRIANNE PFANNENSTIEL: Bernie, why don't you support the trade deal even though the AFL-CIO supports it?

BERNIE: Cause all the unions and all the environmentalists and everyone good in the world opposes it and I don't want all my grandchildren to die.

BRIANNE: We'll talk about climate change in a moment but let's stick to trade.

BERNIE: Joke's on you, they're the same thing. Everything is climate change.

TOM STEYER: Where's the- here we are. Look. On the first day, we get rid of tariffs, waivers, corn-based ehtanol. I am literally the only person here who acknowledges that climate change is real.

ABBY: Bernie, why did you tell Elizabeth Warren that women shouldn't be president? Why do you hate women?

BERNIE: I actually never said that.

ABBY: Really?

BERNIE: Yup.

ABBY: Senator Warren, what did you think when Bernie admitted to you that he was a rampant misogynist who thinks women are all stupid and bad?

WARREN: I did not enjoy it and thought he was wrong. Bernie is my friend. Also, I'm the only person here who's beat an incumbent republican in 30 years.

KLOBUCHAR: I know other women and I am proud to know them, their names are, um, I know their names.

BERNIE: Just so you know, I have beaten an incumbent Republican.

WARREN: When?

BERNIE: 1990.

WARREN: Yeah...30 years ago...

BERNIE: What's your point?

WARREN: I said "in 30 years." So you haven't beaten an incumbent republican in 30 years.

BERNIE: 1990 was 30 years ago, as a matter of fact.

WARREN: Yeah, I know, that's what I'm saying...

BERNIE: Neither here nor there. Anyways. I believe that a woman can be president.

ABBY: Senator Warren, I'll give you the last word.

BIDEN: I would actually like to have the last word.

ABBY: Of course you would.

BIDEN: I also like women. They are competent. But who represents all of us? Brown, black, gay, female, whatever else?  A cishet white guy like myself. I can appeal to the most people.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

ABBY: Healthcare?

BERNIE: Medicare for all. We can finance it with a 4% tax on income. People will be paying 10% of what they're paying now.

BIDEN: We don't really need Medicare for all though.

BERNIE: Workers are paying 20% of their incomes on healthcare. That's insane. People are going bankrupt because they can't pay their medical bills.

BIDEN: Nah.

ABBY: Mayor Buttigieg, you call your plan 'Medicare for all who want it,' but you're forcing people to pay for it even if they don't want it. How do you feel about your false advertising?

PETE: I'm just making sure that um. I'm offering a choice. And my plan is paid for. It's super cheap.

WARREN: The only reason your plan is cheap is that it sucks butt. People won't be able to pay for their prescriptions.

PETE: It's JUST. NOT. TRUE.  

BRIANNE: Biden, do you support free universal infant care?

BIDEN: Here's the thing. I mean, we should have that, yes, BUT I don't know. I also had to deal with child care. I don't know. I know my time is up and I don't really have anything else to say but I'll just stop now, I won't go over like everyone else who has things to say.

WOLF: What about the impeachment?

TOM STEYER: Wolf, we need to decide for ourselves. I know what America is about, Wolf. Standing up for what is right is ALWAYS worth it, Wolf, okay, Wolf? And I will NEVER back down from that, Wolf.

KLOBUCHAR: Have you no sense of decency, sir?! HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?

WOLF: .......what? 

BRIANNE: Mayor Pete, what do you do about farms and factories that can't be moved from areas at high risk of flooding?

PETE: Yeah, that's why we need to stop climate change. It's just so bad, it's real bad, and we need to stop it, and that's what I'm gonna do.

BRIANNE: I repeat: what do you do about farms and factories that can't be moved from areas at high risk of flooding?

PETE: Yes.

BRIANNE: Not really a 'yes or no' kind of question.

PETE: Hm?

TOM STEYER: This is why climate change is bad, and I'm still floored that I am the only one here who is not a climate change denier. I am the only person in this room, in this country, who believes in climate change and wants to take action, and I am the only person who can stop climate change. On my first day in office, I will cancel the weather.

BRIANNE: So okay, let me get this straight. You care the most about climate change, but you're also a billionaire who has profited from investing in coal, oil and gas. Correct?

TOM STEYER: Yeah, I mean, I invested in the economy. It was about the economy. But then I divested and I gave all my money away so I could become an eco-terrorist and tree sit in the Amazon rain forest. So, YEAH, I think I CARE about CLIMATE change, idiots.

BRIANNE: Senator Klobuchar, you're quoted as saying "I think fracking is very cool and also sexy. When I think about fracking it makes me feel warm and happy. I don't know, I can't explain it, it just gives me butterflies. I like fracking, okay? I love it. I love fracking." What do you have to say about this?

KLOBUCHAR: I think it's a good transition. It'll get us to carbon neutral eventually. We'll just frack for a little while. We'll be carbon neutral within the next 500 years.

BRIANNE: Okay, Bernie's been raising his hand for a while now like a good little boy so I'm gonna call on him. Bernie?

BERNIE: We actually can't wait 500 years to be carbon neutral because we'll all die and all our children will die and our planet will be uninhabitable.

ABBY: Mayor Pete, you said that black voters don't like you because they don't know you. What if they actually do know you but they just don't like you because of who you are as a person?

PETE: If black people really know me, they like me. It's just that I don't know any actual black people. I mean, is that so bad? Is that really my fault? Wait, hold up. Now that I think about it, my step-cousin went to school with someone who's black and I think he is voting for me probably. My step-cousin, I mean. All I have to say is, I care about poverty and I do not think that police officers should murder people.

ABBY: Bernie, a lot of people don't like socialism. Don't you think that'll be an issue?

BERNIE: Nope, not at all. Most people don't actually know what socialism is, but when you realize that socialism is like, having fair wages and healthcare and access to education, you realize that actually socialism is the bomb dot com.

ABBY: Mr. Businessman, you spent a million dollars of your pocket change on tv ads for yourself. How do you expect people to actually like you?

TOM STEYER: Okay, people. Look me in the eyes. Look at me. I'm talking to you. I started a business by myself. And when I'm in office, I'm gonna show everyone that Trump is a fraud and everyone is a phony. If you sat around there long enough and heard all the phonies applauding and all, you got to hate everybody in the world, I swear you did. People never think anything is anything really. I'm getting goddam sick of it.

ABBY: Is that from Catcher in the Rye?

TOM STEYER: These are my own words. I've done everything myself.

BIDEN: By the way, just wanted to say that I am uncomfortable saying 'black' and also I have huge support among the African American community. I have met African American people before in my life and we just love each other. So much love.

TOM STEYER: In closing, I love team sports, and you are all my teammates. I can slap your butt, but no one can kick you in the face, and that's how I'm going to win this election. Let's save the world.