#toji mi amor but make it painful

[redmo0ninvenus]

down memory lane | Toji Fushiguro

i'm late, but happy birthday to my beloved <3

this one is fluffy, but also angsty (very), made myself cry a bit, but poured my heart and soul into it. sending love to anyone who might feel the same, the holidays can be tough for some people, besos 🤍

canon divergence, toji is a good father, angst, fluff, reader is mamagumi, mentions of blood and pregnancy

word count: 3.6 k

You remember seeing him for the first time at Shibuya crossing as you were heading towards the station, just a quick glimpse but those green eyes of his kept you awake at night. You kept seeing him from monday to friday for a month, just for a few moments as you were on your way to work and he was heading in the opposite direction. 

Then you didn't see him again until after a couple weeks, this time inside the subway as you were heading back home. Eight thirty p.m. on a Wednesday and he was sitting in front of you, black shirt clinging tightly to his body but splattered with drops of blood, not noticeable if you weren't paying attention, what was noticeable was a large cut on his right upper arm, it wasn’t dripping with blood but it looked painful. People were either avoiding his gaze or focused on his arm, sneaking a glance at him when they thought he wasn't looking.

A heavily pregnant woman hops in at the next station and the wagon is crowded, so you give her your seat. Gathering all your courage, you take a seat next to the man, his breath hitches and there's a confused expression on his face. You look him in the eyes and then avert your gaze to his bicep, "that's a nasty wound you got right there" you tell him. 

He huffs and holds your gaze, with an unamused expression he responds, "that's nothing, you should've seen the other guy". 

You don't need to be a genius to know that he's bad news and you shouldn't feel as intrigued by him as you are, but he pulls you like a magnet, something inside of you wants to know everything about this man, so you just let out a small laugh and shake your head. 

He visibly relaxes, slumping against the seat and leaning his head back. 

"you know if there's a pharmacy near the next station?", he asks as he squeezes his arm, he winces slightly and you think to yourself that however he got that injury, you shouldn’t get involved. 

But you ignore the warnings in your head and respond, "haven't seen one, but I leave nearby and got some supplies i could clean that with"

You know you shouldn't, you know this is the dumbest decision you've ever made, inviting a stranger to your apartment, when it is dark outside and he is bleeding, and you don’t even know his name, but you do it anyway. You don't know anything about him, but you want to help him, perhaps you’re just inadvertently craving company or human warmth, whatever it is, it is stronger than your sense of self-preservation, because you just offered to clean his wound, in your apartment. 

And so, you get up and walk out when you arrive at the next station, not bothering to spare a glance at him, if he wants to follow you it's his choice. As you walk outside, it's practically deserted, few people on the street, then you notice his presence and he jogs to catch up with you. As you walk side by side you're not afraid of him, nor anxious, just curious, the logical part of your brain is screaming at you that this is a bad idea, yet you choose to ignore it again. 

After a few moments of silence, he finally speaks, "you really shouldn't invite wounded strangers into your apartment this late" 

You answer coyly as you slow your pace and turn to look him in the eyes, "you're not exactly a stranger, we see each other all the time at Shibuya crossing" 

He smirks and he leans against a wall crossing his arms as he answers, "but you don't even know my name"

He’s enticing, you need more of him, so you hold his gaze and reply, "then tell me".

───⋆☆─────────────

Two months later you're curled up on your sofa while a movie plays in the background, you try to keep yourself awake, Toji called about an hour ago asking if he could come and spend the night with you, undoubtedly you said yes. You've gotten to know him in the past weeks ever since the night you cleaned the nasty wound in his arm and he fell asleep on your couch after you shared some leftover pasta you had in your fridge. 

Your relationship is complicated yet so simple, he comes to you and you let him, you need his warmth and his touch and he would never tell you but he needs yours. You know what he means when he asks to spend the night, a night of nice relaxing hot sex, you shower, come back to bed, and speak about anything that comes to his mind, you fall asleep while he rubs little circles in your shoulder, his hands are calloused but his touch has become something you find yourself craving whenever he’s not around. 

Then he leaves in the morning, sometimes leaving tea in the pot for you, still warm by the time you wake up and head to work. You cherish the physical touch and the comfort he gives you, even if it's ephemeral and with no strings attached. Or at least that's what you thought. 

It's 2:30 in the morning and you have to wake up early tomorrow, for a big presentation at work that could earn you a nice promotion, but still, you wait for him while rain pounds in the window and drenches the streets. There's a knock at the door and you know it's him, you let him in and he ruffles your hair, leaning in to give you a quick kiss, his jacket is soaked and his hair is wet.

Just slightly annoyed, you complain, "you are dripping inside my apartment"

As he walks towards your bathroom and without looking at you, he responds coyly, "you said I could come" 

"Just don't come to bed soaked, i just washed my sheets", you climb into your bed while he takes a shower. 

You don't have sex that night, instead, when you're about to doze off, you feel him getting in bed and he wraps you in between his arms, pulling you close to him, maneuvering you so your head is resting in his chest. 

That's the very first time you feel it, how he treats you like an expensive, delicate piece of art, so gentle with you, with the very hands that do whatever he does at the job he's been so adamant to tell you about, only giving you vague details, but you're smart enough and you know whatever he does is not exactly a legal activity.  

You fall asleep like that, with cold rain dripping outside, but so warm in bed with Toji, feeling him breathing in your hair and his warm skin sending sparks through your body. 

───⋆☆─────────────

In the seven months you’ve been together you’ve come to learn that he has trouble talking about his emotions and his past, but so do you. It's been hard for the both of you, sometimes leading to arguments, he shuts off and sometimes just walks out, coming back the next day so you can talk about it. It’s difficult, but together you've managed to make it work. 

He has learned to trust you, so he tells you about the Zenin's, about sorcerers and how he got the scar on his lip. Yet, he still hasn't told you exactly what he does for a living, you've managed to put some pieces together with the info he has given you, but you don't dare to speak it out loud. You do not press him to give you an answer, you don’t do it because he never presses when you cry with your face buried in his chest, reluctant to explain further when you’re struck with a painful memory. 

Time goes by, and little by little you've told him about the things that hurt you and pain you, and like you, he has also started to put the pieces together. It’s a slow process, but eventually, you both manage to tell each other directly about the things in your past that hurt you, you start healing, and little by little the memories you both hold from what you used to call home start to form a scar that no longer makes you scream in pain, now it only stings. 

On your one-year anniversary, you manage to convince him to put a dress shirt on and have dinner at a semi-expensive restaurant, you tell him you'll pay, you don't mind it, work is paying nicely and you can afford it. But when the check comes, he takes it from you and pays himself, he grins at you and tells you it's only fair since you've done so much for him. 

That same night he tells you he loves you, he speaks it for the first time, not that you didn’t know, he shows you through his actions, he’s not a man of words and you’re okay with that, you don’t even care that you were the first one who said it, because he knows how to make you feel loved, even when he doesn’t express it verbally. 

One day he's smoking on the balcony of your apartment, he moved in a couple of months ago, you watch him from the living room, and smile fondly when you think to yourself that it has been pure bliss. Yes, you fight sometimes, it’s only natural, but when you agreed to move in together you had a serious conversation, you told him you never wanted to replicate what your parent's dynamic was at home, so whenever you have an argument you talk it out until it's settled, and you apologize, whoever is at fault, it’s hard for you and him, as hot-headed as the both of you are, but you know it’s the healthy thing to do. 

You've both gotten better at communicating your feelings, he even says I love you more often. The sex is great and he makes a good house husband whenever he isn’t working. You remember the day he sat you down on the couch and without mincing words, he announced what he did for a living, he was expecting you to kick him out when the words sorcerer killer came out of his mouth, but you didn't. 

Maybe you should've, you think to yourself sometimes, his line of work is violent and filled with anger and blood. But when he hugs you, when he cups your face between his hands while kissing you, when you're half asleep and he brushes your hair away from your face, when you feel the way he loves you, and when you remember what he told you about the Zenin’s, you remember why you choose to love him and to stay by his side. 

Because he's not sorcerer killer when he's with you, he's just Toji and it feels so good to love him, he brings you all the warmth your heart has been looking for, you love him and he loves you the way you've desperately yearned for ever since you were a teenager, wondering if one day you'd find a partner who would show you things could be different than what you were shown at home. 

Someone that could show you that love didn't hurt, love didn't make you cry and it didn't cause you pain. Toji came into your life and showed you life could be sweet, loving him felt heavenly, he put at ease all the remaining anger in your heart, and he gave you the sense of security you had been craving for so long. 

───⋆☆─────────────

You didn't want a big wedding, when he got on one knee in your kitchen and proposed to you, you told him having him was more than enough. So, your wedding picture that sits in the living room is just the two of you in the courthouse, you are wearing a white, simple, pretty dress you bought at the mall at a semi-expensive store, a bouquet of your favorite flowers fresh from the farmers market. And he's in black, dress shirt and trousers, holding the marriage certificate while his hand is resting on your waist, the place where it feels it belongs. 

You went to Kyoto for your honeymoon and spent a week there. After that, you settled into a comfortable routine, he started picking up less work, which made you feel less anxious, so you encouraged it, told him your job could provide more than enough for the both of you and he seemed to ponder the idea for a while, the idea of becoming a househusband lurking in his brain, he still came home late and you had to clean some small wounds sometimes, just a few scratches, and you still worried, but he was working even less, but not stopping completely. 

Then Megumi came, and just when you thought life with Toji couldn't get sweeter, on December 22, a cold winter night, you were blessed with the newest member of your family. 

The way Toji treated you while pregnant made you think that you couldn't be more in love with him than that, a bit more love and you would explode.

But when your baby was born, once again you were proven wrong, seeing him fall into his new role as a father made your heart burst with so much love for your husband, more than you thought it was humanly possible. One day you were in bed, he thought you were asleep while he fed Megumi his bottle with formula, and the words he quietly whispered to his son were engraved into your heart as well. 

"I'll be different, I promise you that, you'll never have to go through what I went through, you’re more than enough for me, always remember that"

"Your mom, I love her so much you know kid, she's the best thing that ever happened to me, and we'll love you always, we'll be different than how we were raised, we'll do better for you", he uttered while he held his finger and Megumi grabbed it with his tiny fist.

"I will always come back home in one piece, i’ll always try, but if anything ever happens to me, know that I will love both of you until my last breath, and even after, I'll find the way to keep loving and protecting you if there's such a thing as an afterlife"

The words your husband whispered to your son that night made you silently cry into your pillow, tears running down your face trying to keep your sobs inside so he wouldn't know you were listening. He put Megumi back in his crib and came back to bed, he kissed your temple and as he hugged you, he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and in an almost inaudible whisper, he said "I know you were awake, just know I meant every word of it" 

───⋆☆─────────────

And today, a Saturday afternoon, the neighborhood is quiet and you're on the balcony, the wind is cold and you're wearing one of his sweaters. It's been a while, but they still smell like him. You're waiting for Megumi to come back home, he was going to Yuuji's house with some other friends.

He worries about you, he even said he could stay to keep you company, but you want the best for him, he doesn't go out much, and he's a quiet kid, so you were happy when he said he wanted to spend the day with his friends before new year’s eve. 

If things had been different, tomorrow morning you'd wake up in Toji's embrace, you'd pepper his face with light kisses and he would laugh softly, that laugh that could melt your heart and send sparks through your body. You would stay in bed for as long as he wanted and then you would get up and cook dinner for later, anything he wanted you would say because it was new year’s eve, but most importantly it was his birthday, and even when you celebrated his life every day, December 31st was his special day. 

After Megumi comes back, you fall asleep on your bed, still wearing his sweater and hugging one of his shirts, clinging to the lingering smell of him, burying your nose in the piece of fabric, yearning to have him with you again, just so you could fall asleep next to him instead of the empty cold pillow next to you.

When you wake up it's 2:30 in the morning of December 31st. He's not next to you, but still, you roll to his side of the bed and fall asleep there again. When you wake up again it's five in the morning, and it's not dark outside anymore so you leave your room, hugging his sweater to your body, and step onto the balcony with a cup of tea and a framed polaroid you took on this same day, except some years ago tucked to your chest. 

Megumi was just a few days old, and it was snowing outside, so you and Toji dressed him in the warmest onesie he owned, put a hat on him and the little boots Toji got for him the day he was born. When you asked Toji that day what he wanted to do for his birthday, he just said he wanted to spend time with Megumi and you, so you indulged him and dragged him to the park nearby your apartment. 

He had gotten you a Polaroid camera for your birthday that year and you brought it with you, the weather was cold, and Megumi started crying, so quickly, you asked a lady passing by if she could take a picture of the three of you, kindly she did, and you didn't know it at the moment, but that became your favorite picture of Toji

He didn't smile much, but in that photo, he is carrying Megumi with one arm, his other on your waist, keeping you close, and he's smiling so fondly at the both of you that it always brings tears to your eyes when you look at it. 

So here you are, sitting on the floor of the balcony, with the picture inside the small frame, your knees tucked to your chest. You hug the picture and after a few tears escape your eyes you kiss his image, "happy birthday my love, I miss you every day", a sob rips through your throat and you manage to choke out "I'll love you until my last breath, and I'll do it even after that"

Megumi opens the door softly, not wanting to startle you, you turn your head and give him a sad smile. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't need to. You see more and more of Toji in him every day, like your husband, he doesn't smile much, but when he does your heart melts.

He sits next to you and takes your hand. There are more pictures similar to the one you're holding, of Toji’s birthdays, Megumi a bit bigger in each of them, they're in his room, but he keeps the picture of Toji’s last birthday on his nightstand, it's the same as the one you're holding, except Megumi is six years old in it, and it's also a favorite of yours because he's smiling just as fondly as in the one you're holding right now. 

Megumi squeezes your hand softly, you lessen your grip on the frame and he takes it from you, he rubs his thumb over his father's image and a soft smile graces his features, "happy birthday dad", he whispers, and you know it's impossible he remembers the words Toji whispered that night, but you're sure they're engraved in his heart as well. 

That night, the both of you eat what you cooked while you wait for midnight to strike the clock. Sitting in the living room, your family picture next to you, he asks you to tell him how you used to spend this night back when he was little, to walk him down memory lane, and your heart stings, but it also fills with warmth when you remember. 

You remember fondly how Toji would lean on the counter, your baby in his arms, next to you while you cooked whatever Toji wanted for his birthday, how he would tease you and poke your sides, making you laugh with his sarcastic remarks about Shiu or the annoying neighbor next door, and you would tell him about work, the newest gossip in the office and how your boss annoyed you that week. 

You would eat dinner, your son in his baby chair, and you would step out on the balcony minutes before midnight, it became a tradition for you to bake a small cake and have Toji blow the candles when the first firework exploded and before the clock struck midnight. 

You smile at Megumi as you tell him all of that, in moments like this you feel Toji is right there, dining with you, alive and smiling as fondly as you remember him. And you know you can't have those moments back, you can’t have Toji back, but you'll be forever grateful for them. 

Because you'll always be grateful to the man that showed you new year’s eve could be something enjoyable and something to look forward to, the man who showed you love didn't hurt, the one you love with passion, him loving you back just as strongly, the one who gave you a family even before Megumi was born or before he put a ring on your finger, the one that got away but will always have your heart. 

───⋆☆─────────────

[tojikai]

Sorry for my language, mi-amor, but does that b*tch Naomi know what she is doing is rape? Either way she boutta catch these hands. I guess I also see why Y/N and Satoru's relationship failed cause Satoru has no backbone and Y/N tends to see only her pain. Like my heart hurt when she didn't even message Satoru to check on him because she was busy with Toji. Plus Yui calling Toji dad doesn't sit right with me idk if Y/N lets her or not. But either way it doesn't feel right when Y/N was so devastated over Yui calling Naomi mama. And I will make Mrs. Gojo see the other world very soon :D. How can a mother do that to her son. Old hag.

"Yn tends to see only her pain" yeah, she's kinda like that esp at the beginning of this series and she was trying to explain how things became like that, and the flashbacks then !! it played a role on why they fell apart :(( and satoru was really hoping she'd call or at least text, bc he's just so SO tired :(( as for yui, yn does not let her say that ofc, they always try to correct her but as i said before, she copies megumi. next chapter will show how they try to fix that !! and satoru's mom is just... not thinking :''))