#todaywearing

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary175

3/8-9/2024

friday - saturday

i saw my schedule for next week. they keep increasing my days and hours. i am not made for this.

i am made to stay at home, and bake, and do other things. i am meant to sit at home and write and mix my songs. that's all i want. it feels wrong that i can't. it's not that i want the world to be centered around me, to cater or whatever, but this is so unnecessary, what i am doing. i don't provide anything to anyone except a body. i am so useless. i'd be fine being useless the ways i want to be. but i am reminded of it constantly.

and it's not like work, despite the people i work with being nice to me, really does anything good, in any way, i think, for me. even the money, i just compulsively rid myself of it. i don't like having money really. it's evil and stuff i guess. reading foucault today before i clocked in i almost started crying, as he began evoking the carnival and how the final moments of the executed brought forth massive identification with him, and how the cruelty of the crowds, a cruelty which did not come from an identification with the king but instead an added force to the sovereign's vengeance upon the criminal, washed away in some way, into the knowing that they were close to the criminal, rather than close to the king. there was solidarity there, and the criminal in his last moments, as foucault puts it, freed by death and his time being limited to the extreme, he would shout all profanity he could imagine, against god, against the king, against the jailers and executioners, against those watching, against what forces one could imagine implicated, curse the rain and mud, curse his own blood, everything, i guess, attack on all authorities, the crowd would be in awe, there was something to congregate under in those moments and this was more dangerous to power, this fact of identification, the impossibility of shame in those moments, because death so near, and shame so small, it was eclipsed, it recalls kristeva, and how the carnivalesque is so grave, it is not solely humorous and it is not wholly sorrowful, but it is of gravity, weight, everything is extreme because the most extreme outcomes are all there are. fucking and death and curses and so on and forever. i feel horribly distant from that, at work, or it feels that at work, it should be there, it should be possible. it is not. i know i say i don't want to talk about it too much but i can't, if it's my whole day. i don't like that and it makes me sick that it was my whole day and i want to kill myself is all i feel right now kind of. i miss my girlfriend and i was sad cooking tonight. i had to imagine myself cooking for other people. i don't like anything. i just want to die. i know this is an overreaction or something. i barely ate all day but i did eat before work and it's not enough. and i won't eat there because of the disgusting bugs i know live in everything. and i just don't know. i wrote something tiny today in my notes app and i can't stop thinking about how mad i am at this stupid fucking hat i wear that messes up my bangs. it's cruel to me. i shouldn't have to feel so dysphoric at home but work reaches into my life and makes me. i don't like that it's my life. i don't want this. i don't like being somewhere for 8 hours and only hurting for it, and knowing it will repeat itself. people act like i'm crazy to hate it so much. what do people do to not think about this. i don't know. all i want to know about is how this comes to be, and how to kill it. how any of this happens. is it that immature?

the dysphoria really upsets me because it makes me think i need to cut my hair but i just need to wash it again but if i can't stand looking at myself i don't knoiw. ugh.

i just need to do something else.

here's me earlier todaywearing those frames i got, look, i think even my haircut when it's normal and stuff and not messed up by a stupid hat looks good:

i also went and cut more hair anyway. i'm so smart and not stupid and impulsive.

idk why i am so crazy after these long shifts. i made my bangs higher. i really feel like such an idiot. i liked my hair how it was. idk what is wrong with me.

i at least have worked on music today. when i woke up i went and recorded a little fragment for the one problem song, i think i got the delivery right, that song might be close to ready now. i just mastered another song, as i got home.

i think it's definitely sounding better now.

i feel so dumb. i can't get over it. i feel so bad right now. i hope when i like. shower and stuff tomorrow and i'm just nto fixing my hair by blowdrying it again and stuff it looks okay. the bangs are straight now they're just too short. i am stupid i am so stupid.

maybe it's not that bad. i am calming down. i'll just have to see tomorrow. and i have to wear the stupid hat so it doesn't make a difference. i am just going to need to relax. i need to relax. if i don't relax i will hurt myself.

i have to go to bed now, because i have to go to work at 2:30 pm.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[saturdaysentiments]

Quote: Style

Style is not just clothesIt is the way you thinkThe way you manifest lifeStep into your QueendomUnbound by expectationsWrapped in the confidence of who you AREHonored by your HeartSet the trendsThat are important to you And it begins withInternal ValueThere is no WIZNo announcement ofWhat’s popping todayWear YOURSELFYour true selfFor only YOU can do it well You ARE the great I AMSo glow from…

[beautiful-blest-mess]

As much as my husband hates it, I’m in the Christmas Spirit WAAAY early this year 🤩 And this vest screams Christmas 🎄 I love a good plaid vest! It’s linked on the blog today along with all my outfit details ❤️ . . . #AutumnOOTD #FallOOTD #FallFashion #FallStyle #FallTrends #Fashionista #StyleOfTheDay #FashionStyle #Stylegram #TodaysDetails #DetailsOfTheDay #TodayWearing #StyleInfluencer #PersonalStyle #CurrentlyWearing #christmastime #RealOutfitGram #FashionDiaries #christmasfashion #FallWardrobe #FallLook #ltkunder100 #AutumnStyle #SweaterWeather #christmas (at Lexington, Kentucky) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4-Zg05AiSG/?igshid=15y4jj3hzycum

[findyourdazzle]

This gorgeous straw bag from @strawbag.lakeoflife on @etsy has been a staple in my closet over the past month and I know it will carry me well into the fall months. Click dat link in my bio to see more of my August favorites! 💄💋 Also don’t forget to enter my giveaway! You could get the Jacklyn Hill and Norvina Palettes! Check my previous post for details! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #FallFashion #FallStyle #Fashionista #StyleOfTheDay #FashionStyle #BeachBabe #Stylegram #TodaysDetails #DetailsOfTheDay #TodayWearing #StyleInfluencer #PersonalStyle #CurrentlyWearing #Fblogger #RealOutfitGram #FashionDiaries #WIDN #ABMovesSummer #ClassyAndFashionable #FallWardrobe #FallLook #ltkunder100 #AutumnStyle #SweaterWeather #ShoeQueen #blogdoobabes #scsister #stylecollectivesister #stylecollectivesisters #newjerseyblogger https://www.instagram.com/p/Bnohtx8BXQK/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=adbttcjqv5s6

[stylishein]

#stylishein_official New collection in fashion show. #newcollection#fashionshow#fashionshows#underwearmodel#model#seamlessbra#seamless#brasil#innovativedesign#smartcasual#innovativeproducts#innovativetechnology#innovativebrands#newtoinstagram#thursday#thursdayvibes#thursdaymotivation#todaywearing#wear#whatyouneedtoknow#pageforyou#foryou#foryoupage https://www.instagram.com/p/CSp10vXBeVx/?utm_medium=tumblr

[myladytrends]

Linen dress for summer ❤  Simply and easy to wear. We can dress up with heels and  bag or wear with bamboo wedges and basket bag for casual Friday as I wearingtoday. ❤ Do you love linen dresses like me? 😍🙈 Happy Friday Ladies!!! 💋 . Los vestidos de lino son para el verano! ❤ Sencillos   y fáciles de llevar. Los puedes combinar con tacones  y  bolso o con unas cuñas de bambú y cesta de mimbre para un look relajado de viernes. ❤  Os gustan los vestidos de lino tanto como a mi? 😍🙈 Feliz viernes chicas!!! 💋 . #ladytrends #lady50plus #50plusstyle #over50style #summerdresses #linendress #mujeresbabú #maturemodel #50newstart . . . . . #fabover50 #bestager #ü50 #ü50style #styleover50 #todaywearing #agelessstyle #petitestyle #petitefashion #Midlife #styledujour (en Casa) https://www.instagram.com/p/CB44wQ3KZ8L/?igshid=1vfxb5atev4ag

[readytofly]

Can't you hear my silent screams? They are so loud they echo in my dreams..... Behind this face that carries a smile Lies a dark road that goes on mile after mile....... My silent screams have been going on for years, But it always falls on so many deaf ears..... How can they hear these silent screams in my mind? They can't hear my thoughts if I keep telling them I'm fine....... What can I tell them? These silent screams carry no words. It's just feeling of sadness and darkness that comes in its herds.......... How can I explain so people understand this? It's like walking around in a suffocating black mist......... Its holding on to happiness like holding water in your hands. It just trickles between your fingers and disappears into the sands........... I can't explain how this feels; it's so extreme, So I hold my mouth shut to cover my silent screams......... #todaywearing #somewhere #feelings #imnotarobot #imnotweakimstrong #artlover🎨 #expression #manypeoplefaces #depression #anxiety #society #mask #selfesteem #lifestarts #lifewithmak #sketchup #forpeople #emotions #notmad (at SomewhereInMyZone) https://www.instagram.com/p/CAmSXLznNvF/?igshid=x89isu5nbtvu

[tinalovesluxury]

Balenciaga printing hoodie. 💰540CNY (Original price 1080CNY ) #dailylook #daily #todaywearing #dailywear #hoodie #hoodies #hoodieseason #jumper #jumperdress #fashion #instafashion #fashionweek #streetwear #streetstyle #streetfashion https://www.instagram.com/p/CACZC6XFcBR/?igshid=gls86qanzi5t

[clotheshorse90]

Shopping day ..... basic b*tch ... swipe >>. . Outfit @armani shoes @alexandermcqueen . . . #leroydawkins #alexandermcqueensneakers #alexandermcqueen #emporioarmani #armani #whatiwore #whatwearing #todayiwore #todaysoutfit #todaywearing #blackmenstyle #blackmenfashion #mensclothes #mensclothing #menswear #ootd #ootdmen #ootdfashion (at Bicester Village) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1wgIYagWYQ/?igshid=gzolhmrvimdo

[style-by-joules]

I gave it a shot for several months, but I've decided capsule wardrobes aren't for me. Head to stylebyjoules.com to read more about what I learned and why I decided to give it up. . . . #fashion #fashionblogger #fashionblog #style #styleoftheday #styleblogger #styleblog #minimalist #minimalism #capsulewardrobe #capsulewardrobechallenge #SummerFashion #SummerStyle #Fashionista #StyleOfTheDay #FashionStyle #BeachBabe #Stylegram #TodaysDetails #DetailsOfTheDay #TodayWearing #StyleInfluencer #PersonalStyle #CurrentlyWearing #Fblogger #RealOutfitGram #FashionDiaries #WIDN #SummerWardrobe #SummerLook (at Chicago, Illinois)

[teetopsecret-blog]

🖖 #suddenbkk #tattoo #tattoogram #cool #adidas #3stripes #eqtsupport #adidaseqt #equipment #dailyphoto #dailypic #ootd #wdywt #todaywearing #today #style #styletoday #picstagram #stylegram #pictures

[chloeelisecompany-blog]

Light look 💡 . . . #makeup #makeupaddict #makeuplove #mua #makeupblogger #makeuplover #beauty #beautyblog #beautyblogger #beautyaddict #beautiful #redhead #redhair #fashion #fabulous #style #lifestyle #cosmetics #products #pretty #styleguide #styleinfluencer #fashionforward #makeupinfluencer #inspocafe #detailsoftheday #todaysdetails #todaywearing #todayiamwearing #outfitideas (at Park City, Utah)

[beautiful-blest-mess]

The sweetest little thanksgiving outfit 🙌🏼 I wore this little number for mine + Ashton’s Christmas pictures the other day and got so many compliments while I was there! 🤩 It’s only $13 from @sheinofficial and I’m super stoked about it! All the details on my blog 🦃 . . . #AutumnOOTD #FallOOTD #FallFashion #FallStyle #FallTrends #Fashionista #StyleOfTheDay #FashionStyle #Stylegram #TodaysDetails #DetailsOfTheDay #TodayWearing #StyleInfluencer #PersonalStyle #CurrentlyWearing #Fblogger #RealOutfitGram #FashionDiaries #thanksgivingoutfit #FallWardrobe #FallLook #ltkunder100 #AutumnStyle #SweaterWeather #thanksgiving (at Lexington, Kentucky) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5YQuorgvMg/?igshid=vxuv0zf68d

[findyourdazzle]

Finally, there is a new post up on the blog! I'm talking all about how to maximize your wardrobe 👚 and the one app that you need in your life to make it happen! ✨ Check out the link in my bio for the deets! Also, drop your tips in the comments for ways that you get your closet organized and make the most of your wardrobe! 👠 . . . . . . . . #FallFashion #Fineryapp #Fashionista #StyleOfTheDay #FashionStyle #BeachBabe #Stylegram #TodaysDetails #DetailsOfTheDay #TodayWearing #StyleInfluencer #PersonalStyle #CurrentlyWearing #Fblogger #RealOutfitGram #FashionDiaries #WIDN #ABMovesSummer #ClassyAndFashionable #FallWardrobe #FallLook #ltkunder100 #AutumnStyle #SweaterWeather #ShoeQueen #blogdoobabes #scsister #stylecollectivesister #stylecollectivesisters #newjerseyblogger (at New Jersey) https://www.instagram.com/p/BoaA90mgySM/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=l9hl0d9pzqlt

[ownluck]

Ariadna Becerra x @shanasaperas

[myladytrends]

All white and camel... ⚪👜 . Can't get enough of this color combo! ⚪👜 Yes or Yasss!!😄☺  Happy humpday Ladies! Stay safe and cool! 💋 Hoy look en blanco con accesorios en camel. ⚪👜 Me encantan estos tonos! Que os parece? Si o Siiii!! 😛☺ Feliz día chicas! 💋 #ladytrends #lady50plus #50plusstyle #over50style #summeroutfits #bermudas #summersuit #chicworkchick #mujeresbabú #trendylook #styletip #maturemodel  #fabover50 #chicover50 #soybabú #bestager #ü50 #ü50style #styleover50 #todaywearing #50pluswomen #agelessstyle #petitestyle #petitefashion #Midlife #styledujour (en Casa) https://www.instagram.com/p/CBzwBltq3iF/?igshid=145t3u9loixnv