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armpirate · 1 year ago

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UNDER HIS SKIN || JJK || Ch. 29

Pairings: tattoist!jk x fem!reader

Genre: smut, angst, friends to lovers, tattoo au, virgin reader.

Summary: They say there are two versions for every story, and it's important to hear both of them. Everybody is hearing your side of the story, but it's just fair to get to know his.

After breaking up with his girlfriend, the only thing he wanted was to have fun with no attachment. You wanted to get rid of your virginity, and he wanted to tick you off his list. What he didn't expect was getting so emotionally attached to you that he would regret the deal.

Previous || Next

MASTERLIST

Seoul, Korea. 2016

Things with Areum don't seem to be going anywhere. I keep trying to talk to her, but for some reason it just never goes further than any other greeting.

She always offers me a gentle bow, making her hair move all the way to the front with the way her body bends over slightly, before she goes back to focus on her laptop and gets ready for all the notes she'll be taking.

Maybe I shouldn't have confessed to her, it just made things weird between us -and it also seems like it made some space grow between us. Or maybe I should've been more original than just telling her I liked her. Maybe if I had been more creative, she'd be feeling the same way I did? Or, at least, she'd have thought about giving me a chance.

I let out a soft sigh, before I sense someone taking the empty spot next to me. At first, I'm not bothered to look at the person, it's not like I'm curious enough. But a pair of fingers gently pulling the sleeve of my jacket get my attention.

I get completely blocked when I see those familiar black eyes staring right into me. I'm not able to move until I realize she's been talking to me for a few seconds already -well, probably the time it took my eyes to go from hers to her lips.

—I didn't do the mandatory task for today —she starts speaking—. If I don't do it, I'll fail the subject and be forced to take it again next year.

—And what do you want me to do?

—I'm sure you did it.

And, in fact, she's right. There's no way I'd leave a subject pending for no reason, when it's as easy and simple as doing it.

—You want to copy my work?

—I'll just take a look at your research, and I promise you I'll change the wording. It's the same questions for everybody, so I'm sure he expects some answers to be similar.

—Similar, but not the exact same.

After that answer, she rolls her eyes and huffs, and she attempts to leave. But before Areum is able to stand up, I hold her wrist. She looks at me annoyed, something that only encourages me more to give in.

—I'll let you copy them.

—Thank you —a smile instantly brightens her face—. I owe you one.

And maybe it was the way she said that while looking at me like that, or it could be that I'm too into her to think straight, but those words have given me an idea.

—You do —I assure her—. And I'll let you copy them in exchange for something.

Her eyebrows frown momentarily, before her eyes turn to me completely curious about what I have to say.

—If I give you my work, you'll date me —she scoffs, looking away—. I'm risking my ass on failing the subject by helping you, and I'll be saving yours if it turns out well. I'm just asking you to give me a chance, for one month.

✸ ✸ ✸

Something that started that day, and that'd only last a month, turned into half a year of relationship. With every date we had, Areum was able to see parts of me she'd have refused to see in any other circumstance. Slowly, with patience, she learned to treasure every single bit of me and everything I was willing to give her.

I'd always pick her up from her place to walk her to college, and then walk her back home from it; we'd always sit together in class, and have lunch with our friends in common; on the weekend we'd spend it either with her parents or mine, and later we'd go out for a walk -until one of those days we decided to take it a bit further when her parents weren't home. She was the first girl I ever really loved, and I was also the first guy she fell in love with.

But soon I started seeing she didn't fall for me, but the meaning of what being in a relationship with me meant. She loved the attention, being taken care of, and having someone thinking of a future with her. But that place was never mine to take, and I forced her into thinking I was the right one. Her smiles weren't genuine. And, while she appreciated every single one of my gestures, I could see that infatuation vanishing away from her eyes a little more every day we met.

Until today.

She seems shaken. Areum keeps clenching her jaw and avoiding making any type of eye contact with me, tightening the grip of her fists when I ask her for the third time what's wrong. At first I think she argued with her parents, or maybe she didn't enjoy the summer holiday in Busan like she was expecting to. Fool me actually thought for one second she was mad because I wasn't able to text her one of the days she was there.

—We need to break up —she whispers.

I look at her, confused. I try to make her step inside and talk to me about this properly, maybe let her be more calm, but she sneaks away from my grip fast, giving me one deathly look that paralyzes me completely.

—Did I do something wrong?

I've asked that question a few times, actually. It's probably the only thing I'm completely aware of before she speaks again.

—You seriously don't know what you did? —she scoffs again— You ruined my life, Jungkook.

When she drops those words, the first thing I could think about is a pregnancy. We've always used protection whenever we were together, but some accidents could happen. Honestly, we wouldn't be the first ones to be going through something similar, and it's not like I'd leave her to go through it alone either. It could totally be possible because we were last together a month and a half ago.

But then, I notice I'm wrong again.

—You and that fucking deal.

Why would she bring up a deal that we decided to move on from five months ago?

And while I side of me wanted to know, I wish I had never encouraged her to speak more after she says:

—I could've been with Tae if we hadn't dated back then —she pushes me, making me stumble—. If you had given me your task without putting that fucking deal in between, I could've dated the person I actually liked.

And that's the last thing I needed to confirm I was never the one she ever intended to date, or care about. Her heart was never meant for me, but I forced her into leaving any other choices aside because I was too selfish to think straight. She never developed feelings for me, but she fell for the idea of the great relationship I forced her into. When I got her in the deal, I never even considered she could've been after someone else.

—We're done, Jeon.

But instead of seeing through her and her words, to share the blame, to find a reasonable way to deal with it, my first reaction is to grab a jacket and head over to Taehyung's place. I know him, I know he's a quite popular guy in our college, and I know he's the brother of one of Areum's friends. But why the hell was he in Busan? And what the hell did he tell her that got her reacting that way as soon as she came back?

Good thing about him being popular is that you always know where to find him. People, especially girls, talk about him so much that I was able to overhear a few times how those girls wanted to see him play soccer with his friends. And just thinking about the coincidence of him casually playing in one of the small fields just today, the same day that Areum decided to break up with me, only clouds my mind even more.

As soon as his friends leave and he's alone, everything happens way too fast. As if something had taken full control of my body and actions. All I end up being conscious of is the way he answers back to every one of my punches, and even grabs me at some point, making us both fall, ending up with my elbow laying over his wrist in a way that makes him scream in pain.

It actually takes me a few days to realize what I've done and reach out to him, showing up to his place and falling to my knees as soon as he shows up. Overhearing a conversation his sister had with Areum, I'm aware of Taehyung's injury being so severe that it could keep him from playing piano forever. And only because I got jealous, because my girlfriend broke up with me.

I never think Tae would forgive me, nor that he would even stand my presence. I was expecting a kick right against my chin, but instead, while rubbing my hands desperately at the height of my face, I felt a weight on my shoulder.

—Come in.

After doing what I'm told, I follow him inside, aware of the way his right hand is bandaged, and how he barely moves it -because at the minimum move, pain is installed on his features.

It's while talking that he tells me he knows about Areum, and he also knows why I went there and reacted the way I did. He confesses he did tell her he liked her at some point, because he thought she was so into me that she wouldn't even care at that point, and that he stopped liking her after he kept seeing her with me and learned we were dating. He keeps insisting on how he never told her to make her feelings shift.

And even if it was the case, it wasn't an excuse to do to him what I did. So when I bring up the topic, he jokes:

—You did me a favor —he chuckles—. I was done with playing that thing. I have bigger dreams than sitting on that stool for the rest of my life, playing the same song over and over again.

—I will still make up for what I did.

✸ ✸ ✸

Seoul, Korea. 2017

Not following what he said on leaving him alone, I kept going to his place every day after college. Sometimes I'd help him to get things done -like helping him with his homework or such-, or go to pick him up to go with him to the rehabilitation center, or sometimes I'd just stop by in case he needed a friend. He was one of the most popular, but it was surprising how neither of those people were around when he needed them the most.

Friendship just grew between us naturally. Almost making us inseparable.

But there was something that kept bothering me in the back of my head, something about that place that just made it unbearable to stay there. And it was while talking with Soo that I thought I found a solution to all my problems.

—You're going to New York? —Tae almost choked on his drink.

—We are going to New York —I correct him.

After his parents kicked him out, when he refused to keep doing those rehabilitations, I tried to be by his side as much as possible. We even rented a small studio, where barely both of us fitted, not that long ago.

And as much as I love being around him, the truth is that we aren't comfortable enough to think about staying longer than just a few months. And I doubt I'll ever be able to keep living in Seoul the way I used to. There's just something wrong about it.

—Why New York?

—My sister is there —I shrug—. It'll be easier for us to get used to a place where we know someone, she'll also help us find a new place to live in.

—Are you for real though? Or are you tricking me like the time you said we'd go to Jeju last month?

—I'm being for real —I nod—. If everything goes the way it should, we'll probably leave in January.

✸ ✸ ✸

New York, United States. Currently.

And after that, we lived more things after we moved here. He went to my graduation on the School of Arts, occupying a precious spot next to my parents and my sister, he also was the first person that knew about me and Leslie -and he was also the one that had the hardest time when I told him I was going to move out somewhere else with her after two years in the relationship. He's seen me at my worst, but also has been happy for every good thing that happened to me. That's why I didn't hesitate to give him the money he needed to open the pub, he's dreamt to open since he injured his hand.

—Y/n is not Areum —I hear him say—. Yeah, it also started with a deal, so what? Did anyone put a gun to her head to accept it? Fuck, Areum just wanted to have a boyfriend at that point, because most of her friends had one. If she hadn't ever known about my feelings, she'd probably have dated you for longer, or even married you at some point. Blaming you because my feelings changed was fucked up. She was fucked up —she finishes.

Taehyung scoffs, and I know he isn't entirely done.

—Doing that to my Kook —he clicks his tongue—. Who the fuck in her sane mind? —he tries to control himself—. But you yourself said that Y/n is different, that she seems genuine. You said not long ago that she didn't want to meet other guys. You think Areum would have declined that if you had said that same thing years ago? That girl actually likes you, and you're being a dumbass for allowing others to hit on her.

He might be right, or he might be wrong. Honestly, there's no turning back. I already told her, and as much as I hate the idea, I still think it's the right thing for me to do. If she chooses me at the end of the day, it'll mean it was always me. And if she chooses someone else, then I'll be happy to let her go and see her happy, because it was never me, the person she was supposed to end up with.

#fanfic #ff #jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkookxreader #jk #bts #wattpad #kookie #smut #jungkook smut #tattoistjk #tattooau #jungkook pov #Under His Skin #reader insert #armpirate

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cordlessgryphon · 19 days ago

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"So What Ever Happened to that Weird Asshole from middle/high School"?

If you are on this blog, there's only two feasible questions you could be asking yourself that would make you come to this source: A) "Who made the funny post?" If this was the question you asked that is now answered by coming to this blog, you will be vaguely dissappointed to know that while this blog is abandoned, and I have emotionally grown quite considerably in the Past Ten Years and am no longer facing the sincerely terrible affliction known as Being A Dumb Teenager who's cringe in The Bad Way; I am still a Tumblr User!! but I'm *mostly* not making silly shitposts these days.

or B) well. See Above Post Title. If you are asking that question, you (typically) fell into one of two categories: People who did not know me on an actually personal level, and People who did- people I actively considered my friends, or people I hurt in my own confusion. To the former category; We are Adults, rapidly approaching 10 years after we all Graduated High School. You are looking up specific information on someone you effectively had only ever heard stories about or interacted with in passing. I am cringe, and free. Your oppinion on me actively means next to nothing. Kindly, and with all respect, Have you considered getting into birdwatching? crochet? learning HTML? Literally any other productive use of your time that's not perpetuating the rumor mill?

Now that my spiel to the peanut gallery is out of the way- if you even remotely feel as if you belong in the latter category: I would Actively and Sincerely like to extend my Apologies for the way I acted as a Teen.

The long and the short of my behaviour was that I was experiencing Big Emotions that I didn't have proper tools to communicate or understand, and Effectively took it out on everyone around me. Unfortunately, this is The nature of being an Immature Teenager going through things they didnt have the tools to verbalize except by lashing out at their peers. This is Not an Excuse. I should have realized and gotten my shit together, well before I finally did, and for that, I am Sincerely Sorry.

Anything Else on the insights of these Big Emotions that I feasibly could have to offer you is nothing more than an explanation, and, again, by zero means an excuse. The way I acted against you was rude and meanspirited, best case scenario. You didn't really deserve that!! School was hard for everyone, and I should have realized that, and not have been so self-centered and aggressive.

If I could know then what I know now, I would have been Nicer to you guys. I wouldn't have taken everything as a Personal Attack. There was a LOT that I couldn't control-- but that doesn't mean that, at bare minimum, I couldn't have just Chilled Out. Alas, hindsight is 20/20. I can't change the Fact I was immature and mean to you in Highschool. But I can apologize, and I am, because, at bare minimum, you DO deserve a Sincere Apology.

I am, slowly but surely, making amends where I can. I'm doing better, and I strive to be consistently better every day. You are by no means required to do anything about this apology. Hell, you don't even have to accept it! Lord knows you have EVERY right not to!

I'm going to be very honest- my memory is spotty, at best; but if you were one of my peers in School who feels hurt, and want a more personalized apology/explanation for what was going on, to put your own traumas at ease? Please feel free to reach out and just give me a nudge who you are. I'd be more than happy to rebuild a burnt bridge, starting with an olive branch, just as long as you are willing, too. and, with that, I think I can finally lay this blog to rest. Nothing particularly interesting or holy is contained herein. Just the ramblings of a kid in Highschool who barely exists as even a fraction of what they are today

See you, Space Cowboy.

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oppositegenderscantbefriends · 2 months ago

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This debate is lame.

Still surprised a ex of mine got i.g maybe exposed on reddit? Not sure if she okay-ed it or what I don't speak to them so not my problem but still weird an a Lil gross to see.

I want to fuk around or get into a relationship but at the same time I know I'm not mentally ready nor emotionally available right now for that. I also just don't want to spend money. I really have been selfish with myself and it's nice. But uh yeah I kinda wanna fuk around but that could cost my time away from making money and that doesn't seem worth it or productive. I did a lot to be who I am today an locked away the man wh0re b.s I used to do and idk if I'd wanna let that back out again because I started thinking what if I had a daughter or what about my sister's? If they saw or could see how I am with women would they see that as okay if I wasn't being genuine or honest or loyal? Would they accept a lesser man instead of somebody good in nature? So I stopped an changed my ways. Just didn't want them to grow up valuing something horrible and If I had a daughter I wouldn't want her to let men use her or think that what they do is okay or normal or right because they got something from it. That's just not healthy or okay in anyway.

Mental health isn't good again. Just not okay but at the same time I will be. Only because I said and promised I wouldn't do anything permanent. Although the urge is strong. I just know now that it'll pass and that it's just temporary pain. It's not gonna be like this forever. Even though I challenge that idea, I have come to accept it and started hoping it does. Really wish I didn't see and go through and have things done to me in life, seen things i didnt ever think i would, heard things from people i never expected to hear, and experienced stuff I shouldn't have ever felt. I know life isn't easy for many and everyone has a story. I get that, not asking or looking for empathy or sympathy because in my eyes. I still believe it's my fault even though I'm told differently. I still don't see it that way.

I wish I had somebody that would show me love thru making me amazing food recipes from insta, Facebook or wherever to just try out. Such a food wh0re. That and having somebody make you something from scratch or just overall homemade always means a lot to me because it doesn't need to be expensive or fancy or any of that. It's the effort and thought of that person taking that much time and thinking that hard about me that makes me happy. The littlest things in life truly mean the most because in my experience, they're always overlooked.

I had a bad health scare recently. Blood pressure wasn't lookin right, heart rate was a bit high but all good. Just almost maybe nearly went on a ambulance ride. Couldn't catch my breath, talking was nearly impossible. Heart felt funny a couple days but we good. It's normal feeling now. If it happens again I'll probably be in the e.r or possibly dead if it's as serious as it could be but I don't think it will be. I got really good genetics sooooo yeah. Just sucked feeling my chest that tight, not able to speak an when I did it felt like my chest on the left side was gonna pop or burst an the next day it hurting right in the same area like Lil sharp pains an also slightly unable to catch my breath along with my heart thumpin crazy fast while I barely moved(i.e. walked or picked something up or w.e)

Fingers crossed that some broad gives me the green light to truly give a real hard-core experience. I just would like to vent a lot of stress and hate out into some intimacy.

Lost weight 188 to 152-155 now. I'm gonna get back to bulking and hitting the gym again since I have a nice solid foundation to work with since I didn't lose too much muscle mass. Gonna have a insane physique and strength when I go back to 160-165. Probably take a couple months since I'm gonna be slowly bulking since I want a bit more muscle than fat this time. Although I might eventually get back to 170ish to just be a solid unit. But yea, the main goal is weight gain with strength training.

Might be it? Idk. I can't decide anything anymore. Just feel desolate. Goodnight, gonna hit my cart an fuk off for a while. Maybe re share post on here still but my post will slow or stop. Same across the board of other socials.

P.s. stand up an get help if needed. Be safe in what you do in your day to day. Take care of the only body you have. Don't be weak with people who don't care about or use you. Cut em off and lock in on yourself. Nobody will give you a life worth living, you have to make one yourself.

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hospitalterrorizer · 4 months ago

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diary302

7/17-18/24

wednesday - thursday

tired tired tired... up too late rn.

so that means soon i sleep.

some good stuff w/ music today, i got to work on some stuff, another track has been exported so i can listen and see what i think about it, it certainly is a weird one, i want it to be the opener cuz i think the chorus is super catchy in a way that will surprise people, but idk about that honestly. to someone like me though, it is cute and fun. i wanna figure out vocals for that. i also figured out the issues i think with the other song re: drums/ease of understanding it/following what it does. i had to simplify one pattern a bit, make it less idk, offbeat basically.

anyway, outside that, today was errands day... i was able to get pizza too and there are leftovers. my gf was very tired today though, cuz she got in at 3 am yesterday and had to quit the job because they were like, wednesday is a mandatory day, and she was like, i can't do 7 pm to 7 am, and then they were like, well okay. and so that's that. it's not like it would have been too much longer than this anyway. i just feel bad for her cuz she was doing that so much she didn't really have time to process how draining that was for her, so she's kind of crashing today.

anyway, what else. my gf's brother is driving her mother truly coo coo bananas, it's very sad to see. i hope he will become not awful soon. obviously he won't but you know. oh and i felt cute today, at least, or mostly, it's very strange how i will oscillate but part of it really is being able to dress up, i suppose. i didn't take selfies though. idk, i should have, to document it. i feel dumb for not. isn't that so weird? the need to collect proof of feeling cute/ see if i ought to, that's so psycho generally, but the sense i missed out, i feel like i'm lying just putting it in text. something's wrong with me but it just goes too deep to really deal with. or deal with here. it's just me being crazy.

anyway, my gf is doing better now, she'll be even better tomorrow, the whole experience has made her more grateful for the kind of work she already does, she is not used to doing anything very physical, and she did way too much of it in too short a time. i've done more over my whole life but to be like, worked so hard over 4 days is majorly fucked, and it's so hot outside, this warehouse she was in had like little to no ac, probably just some swamp cooler somewhere in the massive thing. maybe i should not have encouraged her to sign up for this because it sounded so crazy and funny... but some parts of it were crazy and funny, but i can't describe those, so do your best to #imagine.

uhmm,, what else. ... too many people dming me on discord right now. it is 3 am... i want to sleep .

it's weird. everything just feels weird. i wish i were not feeling so weird. i don't know what i feel weird about. it's almost like a pregnancy. i dunno. i keep thinking about pregnancy. do i wish i could get pregnant? not really. i wish for other things. if i listed all the stuff i wished for, if i got it all, i think i'd just turn to smoke cuz it's so self negating half the time. i wish my hips were a little wider. i wish i was prettier. i wish i were what i am. i wish i weren't anything. i wish people didn't look at me. i guess people keep wishes so they can have little hypocrisies and discard them just as quick but i hold onto everything . i don't eat all of any animal, but i guess i want to eat all of myself.

why am i thinking about pregnancy though? it's weird. it's been a thing for a while in my head, never before has it been like this. i guess there's something like, can i carry anything to term? am i fertile in any way? i can't imagine myself as anything other than,.. idk, not giving, i'm not motherly certainly, i am very cold, or i think of myself as being cold but i think really i'm sort of just weird emotionally and my gf says i'm sweet and stuff anyway, i'm not giving or warm in normal ways, i think i act too immature to really be warm in a mothering way, but i am, i don't want to say productive or useful, i guess generative is the better word, doing things, i guess i've always, since knowing the word, which has been for a long time cuz i've known it since middle school i imagine, or earlier, the word gestating. i feel things inside me gestating, and have felt that, a resonant chamber inside myself too. i don't know. i don't want a womb, this isn't like, me saying the opposite of how i feel. it's just strange, that this is anything inside my head at all.

final thing before bed, it's also strange how of all people one might need to contend with as a cultural influence, lana del ray is one of them, that she is still the producer of images of what people wish they were, what they are, what they think things should be like, a weird nostalgia which doesn't refuse the present, i guess this fantasy that right now is also the past maybe. i wonder if i'm off in the same ways, or if we all are, if that nostalgic illness is something we're all dealing with. i would like to say no, because i would like to not have to think about anything mark fisher said, not out of hate just cuz i want to move on from that whole moment where everyone was so dour about the idea the past could be strung up like a corpse, carved, repurposed, material, just flatly a material basis and set of methods to dissolve/digest, put those functions to rest and see what rises once again. i also do not care for lana's music, it is weird though that even her visual aesthetic/fans of her aesthetic + pose have crept into producing images / maintaining lines to images/things i like seeing. it feels odd. also a lot of those girlblogging blogs give off such evil vibes, half the time i feel like the ways they are, are just transphobic, i feel as if i am witnessing terfs, i feel fairly certain in fact, it's just all so weirddddd.

anyway , sleepy sleeepy sleepy , so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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slowing-down-in-style · 11 months ago

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My Dad - 12/27/2023

My dad came over for Christmas. He showed up a little before 9:30am and he was gone before 11:30am. I didn't expect him to stay long. I guess there wasn't really anything worth staying for. He doesn't like people. (Groups of people or people in general) He doesn't like coming to the city. I can't get him to do anything with me. No hockey games. No baseball games. No Crew games. No Zoo. No parks. No hiking or biking or walking or movies or cooking or baking or... anything. He's okay with coming to my place though. Sometimes we go to dinner. Only at Texas Roadhouse, preferably in Springfield. He lives an hour away from us. So in actuality I guess instead of 2 hours... I'd taken up 4 hours of his day. Anyways, I thought the way that he left was rather weird...

He came over. I made cinnamon roll waffles for Christmas breakfast for him, Alex and I. We didn't exchange presents this year, same as last year. I didn't know what else to do while he was here... and I've long since learned I probably overwhelm him when I talk, because I fill the silence between us with talking. So I tried to talk less. Tried to stop filling the gaps of silence with worthless chit-chat.

So yeah. I guess it makes sense he left after only 2 hours. I dunno.. is 2 hours short? Is it long? Is that a perfect amount of time? He said he wanted to go home and take a nap.

Alex and I were fiddling with the xbox, maybe he thought we were ignoring him or were bored with him or something. I wasn't trying to ignore him, I was just trying to load something up, a game or a movie or something I could share with him so it wasn't just silence.

He suddenly declared he was going home and started walking towards the front door. I got up and opened my arms like I wanted to give him a hug. He looked back at me and kind of scoffed, then came back and hugged me and said goodbye. I don't think I'm ever going to forget that scoff and the look he had. I was heartbroken.

I sent him an email today, that's how my dad prefers to communicate, and asked him if I had done something to upset him on Christmas.

"No." was the reply. Nothing else.

Chris calls it verbal economy. 'that man does not talk about feelings. full stop.'

Yeah.. doesn't really leave me with a whole lot of paternal love. This is the same guy who let his me just step out of his life for years because his girlfriend treated me like a second class citizen and he only came back into my life because I called him and made him man up for my 16th birthday.

I need to quit trying to squeeze water out of stone.

My mom was a pretty emotional person. Very watery. Wore her heart on her sleeve. She was the one who had full custody of me. She often guilted me into spending time with her in ways that now... I miss terribly. She would sometimes climb in bed with me and snuggle. She would ask me to come down and snuggle up with her on the couch and watch a movie and play footsie with me like we did when I was a little kid. She took me everywhere with her when she could. (At least until she started leaving me home to go to the bar...)

I took these amazing moments for granted. When I was little I loved them. As a young adult and a teenager I felt cramped and we fought and she drank and it felt like manipulation and neglect and abuse. She would (often drunkenly) fight with me one night, not remember it the next day and expect me to be okay with her sudden lonely affections. She might not have been mother of the year, she might have been verbally and emotionally abusive and an alcoholic... and I'm not putting her above my dad in any way. But I wish right now I had parents who showed me love. I wish I had realized how important those moments were and how few of them I was going to have.

I have aunts who love me, or at least one does, but they are far away. On top of that Teri has more than enough to handle being the center piece of sustaining the lives of my disaster of a cousin and aunt. How can I possible ask her to take on one more burden in me?

I have Chris who loves me and shows me love in so many ways. He shows me new ways to love and encourages the growth I need to understand myself, the love I need and the love I give other people.

I have Alex who loves me and indulges me here and there in the same ways I indulged my mom when she wanted and needed affection and attention. When I want to show him attention and motherly affection I do so and try not to guilt him into accepting it as best I can.

I want to move towards acceptance of however my dad chooses to be and how he choses to love me. I like to think I have over the years. I don't try to force him into situations by suggesting things anymore- so he doesn't have to tell me no. But how do I expand on that acceptance so that I don't hurt when I'm let down anymore?

Also- today is his birthday. I'm taking him to dinner. To Texas Roadhouse. In Springfield.

#2023 #journal #dad

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blahandwhatever · 1 year ago

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Days have been messy mixed bags.

Friday I finally finished my long project and felt the freedom that followed, but I started and spent the day tired, woken up many times in the morning by banging beyond the wall that earplugs couldn't drown out, and ended it hot and uncomfortable, as the air conditioning stopped working at night.

By Saturday the AC worked again, and I planned to spend the day chilling and cleaning and shopping, but my father texted me. He texted me around noon initially, but I didn't check my messages until four because I wanted to take my time with guaranteed peace. He said he was grilling some steak, asked if I wanted to come and have some and see my brother before he left for college next week. Followed up later saying he'd be gone after four, and I could come then if I wanted to. I said I would see. It was a little jarring, this out-of-nowhere thing with zero acknowledgement of the elephant in the room. He'd never replied to my email or my reply to his message last week, never acknowledged anything about the situation with my mother. Hadn't seen or talked to me for many weeks prior, since I visited for Father's Day, an unusual length of time for him to go without saying anything. And I didn't mind that. But this felt odd.

Annoyed by the sudden change of plans, I went anyway - he really seemed to want me to have that steak, and I was going to have to go say goodbye to my brother at some point anyway; I just hadn't realized he was leaving so soon. I was a little anxious and a little out of it. I hoped I wouldn't see my father. My brother would be leaving for his friend's house in a while, so I wouldn't stay long anyway.

My father wasn't home when I got there - but he did come soon after. He acted, more or less, like everything was normal. Showed me the food and stuff. Got something and left again. I was glad not to have to deal with any difficult conversations but disoriented by the emotional dishonesty, as many times as I'd seen it from him before.

I spent a bit of time with my brother, feeling, as I often do, like the only one making an effort, but I had to try in any case. I gave the dog lots of pets, took some food my mother (who was working) had saved me in the freezer, took a look around the late-summer yard, and got going. I dropped off my frozen stuff at home, went to a couple of stores for some essentials, and tried to wind down the rest of the night, though feelings still swirled around my father and brother.

Sunday, my father sent me some money he hoped would be helpful in hard times. Wasn't sure if he meant the emotionally hard times or was aware of my financial situation - or if it was more hypothetical. Hoped he wasn't trying to win my favor or something. Though I was confused, I thanked him and didn't engage further. Couldn't deny it was helpful. I used it to pay my past due electric bill, reinstate my car insurance, load up on groceries, and gleefully do some clothes shopping for the first time in a while - it was only some cheap stuff at Target, but still. Other than that, I mostly just wanted to relax at home. Wasn't too nice out anyway. Feelings and thoughts were still too colored by family.

Yesterday I felt weird and got a random nosebleed for the first time in decades. Thankfully it was over the bathroom sink. I assume it wasn't anything serious, though suddenly gushing blood sure can bring the 'oh no am I falling apart is this it' feeling for a moment. I wondered if I was getting sick, though I was also on my period, which can stir up all kinds of fuckery, and I'd slipped a bit again with my iron supplementation schedule. Again I let myself take it easy, aside from a couple of chores. Work was in a lull as I awaited my next project from the new job, and I could afford a break from surveys.

Today I slept looooooong. It was clearly needed but derailed some of my plans. Oh well - they could wait another day. I did get sushi for the first time in forever and made what I could of the short day.

Two of my balcony flowers that were doing well have kind of died. I don't know if it's because I watered them less for a few days - I'd found my other flowers had done better with less water, so I wanted to see if these would too. :/ I'm glad I at least got to enjoy them for a while. Still did better overall with flowers than in previous years.

Also better than previous years is the bug situation, which, aside from flies, has been surprisingly tame this summer. Maybe it really does have a lot to do with cleanliness. I've gotten better at staying on top of that, especially in the kitchen, though I'm still far from where I should be.

The days are getting shorter, and the bittersweetness of the end of summer is setting in. I still want so much more sunshine, so much more nature while it's alive.

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daisylu-rocketdog-blog · 1 year ago

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Miss Daisy passing has brought up all kinds of feelings and memories intertwined with each other. For roughly the past 5 years, my parents and I haven't had the greatest relationship, mainly due to the way my father used to treat me. Things have slowly improved now that I'm moved out and independent, but I've noticed I've had a faint feeling of anger, or sadness turning into anger, since Tuesday. Because I've had this rift between my parents and I, it's affected how much I went over to their house, and therefore how much I saw Daisy. It makes me really sad to say this, but in the past year I'd probably only seen Daisy 5 or 6 times.

It made me feel angry at myself for not going over there, but my partner reminded me I was only keeping away for my own mental health and safety. Otherwise, of course I would be over there to see them and Daisy. Often. I think I felt somewhat emotionally detached from her because of all this, and that makes me incredibly upset to think about. I love her so much and always loved getting photos of her from Mom, but I didn't like thinking about what the end of her life might actually be like or how it might affect me. I would have fought through any discomfort just to have a number of more good days with her, knowing what I "know" now. It just feels like I've woken up or something. Like I was in a haze about it before, even though I was aware she had health problems. I guess "you don't know what you have until it's gone", but of course I knew that I loved Daisy and that I missed her. It's just so upsetting that my relationship with them is the one and only reason for my absence from her life the last few years.

I was almost worried she didn't remember me, even though my Mom reassured me that wasn't the case and I don't honestly think it was either. It's just thoughts of her missing me, wondering where I was, or not understanding why I was gone so much that break my heart. I wish I could just talk to her now and she would understand. She's done nothing wrong, and I'm sorry that I wasn't there as much anymore. It's just because of Mom and Dad.

At the same time, this has now brought me closer to my parents. I feel it. My partner and I went to their house Saturday for a cookout. That hasn't happened in the over 5 years he and I have been together. I'm the one who suggested we go, even. I didn't even care about the previous tension I would have felt doing something like that. My brain ignored it totally. To put it simply, I didn't give a fuck about anything else but the emptiness in my heart for Daisy. And doing anything I could to make me feel closer to her. That overridded any other emotion. So maybe in a weird way, her passing can be a chance for things to get better. And maybe I'll see them more. How ironic and sad. I'm not going to forget all the things they've done and said, but seeing how well they treated Daisy for the last almost 17 years makes me feel happy. It makes me feel better about them. It softens the blow. I'm not sure how long these feelings will last, but I'll take whatever I can get. I'm coping with this grief in all kinds of weird ways and I'm just letting it happen. I don't know what else to do.

As always, I love you Miss Daisy Lu. I'm so glad we "discovered" your real age today... not sure how we forgot that detail. I miss you so much. ❤️🌈🌁

#pet grief #pet loss #coping with grief

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thedysphoriadiaries · 2 years ago

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Entry 2 - What I could be? 14 February 2023, 2:21pm

I am wearing a hoodie. Under it, a shirt. It reads: “Be the reason why someone smiles today”.

Under that shirt is nothing. I am acutely aware of that. It is why, even in the tropical heat of this country, I wear a hoodie. It makes me feel less... exposed.

I am acutely aware of the girl standing to the right of me, on the opposite side of the door of the train I'm in.

I see her, from the corner of my eye.

The only thing protecting my eyes from the photonic acid that looking at the people I envy is, is this phone, and the auditory stimulation I'm giving myself at this moment, in the form of “Fall”, by Chon.

But I digress.

Why is it so, that every notion of wanting to be a girl fades away, when I put on the clothing expected of my gender, only to be replaced by a silent, repulsive envy?

I glance at the bag of a woman who just happened to walk past me; she had to alight. I'll be seeing that, and the faces of the girls I saw on my way to the train, in my thoughts later today again.

I switch the song I'm listening to, to “Atlas Novus”, by Scale The Summit.

Lynn's Vibes, the playlist says. Under it, the name of the person who created the playlist:

Cedric.

...

My deadname. Or, at least, a name I don't want to use again.

It poses a very interesting question, or hypothetical: what would life be like if I was cis?

For one, if I was a cis guy,

I'd never have such a weird interest in girls. A sexual one, sure, but not such a deep-seated interest in girls. And surely, not every girl I came across. I'd have standards too, even if I'm a guy. I'd never have considered... thinking about being a girl. I'd probably go about his day as per normal, liking my hair, thinking about at least losing some weight before enlistment. I'd think it was a waste of time, but would never have had the idea of transitioning to avoid it. He'd be empowered by his own manhood. How he's able to protect what he loves. How he's strong. Caring. Kind. Nurturing.

...

If I was a cis girl?

She'd be more masculine than other girls, but she'd own it. She'd like to do more masculine things, like music making, or making stuff from her own hands. But at the end of it all, she's still a girl. She'd still want to feel pretty. She'd be a lesbian, though. haha. She'd still want to cross her legs every once in a while, while she drank her tea. She'd be proud, empowered, even, by virtue of her own womanhood. Something I crave so desperately. She'd be empowered by how she's assertive. How she's able to be assertive, yet kind, nurturing, and strong, all at the same time.

She'd curse over having a monthly cycle, but that's just part and parcel of being a girl.

...

And if I was a trans girl?

I'd be having a near-constant desire to be a girl. I'd be feeling, in some way, different from the guys, but yet, not having any solidarity with the Sisterhood.

It's tiring seeing girls get to be girls, while I'm stuck being a guy.

Yet, I don't know why the thought of being a girl just... evaporates when I put my clothing on.

I'd be... confused. Constantly questioning if it was just a mistake in my programming to want to be a girl, or if it's truly fate, or something else. I'd want a panacea for this entire situation.

Yet, if I chose to entertain being a girl, I'd... no longer have to worry about it anymore. At least, not so much, anymore. I can finally... live life in a body that feels like it's mine. I can... finally be a girl, and be one with the Sisterhood.

I could choose to not be a girl, in body, at least. That would be easier, medically, at least. With the technology of my time, I would have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to be...comfortable in my body, yet, I'll know that it's a medical facsimile of what I'd want to be. Emotionally, though? My arms betray me. My hands betray me. My body betrays me. The nub from my throat betrays me. Even my hair; hair that I grew out for over a year, betrays me.

How would I keep living with that? My own reflection is the equivalent of photonic acid; I refrain from looking at it; the photons that reflect off my body and into my retinas spit venom at me. I don't know whose shadow is cast on the floor, or wall, next to me. Is it truly mine? Or is it Lynn's shadow?

...

Lastly, if I was a trans guy?

Haha, that's fun. I'd be grasping at straws to be... what I currently am.

Either way...

What am I, if not what I could be?

#ramblings of a confused homo sapien #questions

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yuichi-ro · 3 years ago

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it’s stressful and annoying days like these were i feel bad where i simply long for someone like mikey. someone else who might even be more miserable than i am who i can just project my issues onto and then smother the hell out of.

mikey is so small and scrawny, how can you not want to make some good food for him that actually fills his stomach for once that isnt all sweets, wrap him in a blanket and engulf his tiny frame so that for once he feels safe and secure.

mikey who is just so eager to please, does anything in his power to please you as he loves you wholeheartedly, too scared to admit it as that was what took everything else away. at the same time, he cannot help but yearn for it, to hear your heartbeat, steady, alive, a rhythmic pattern reminding him that you remain.

fingers entangled into his choppily cut hair as you tut at him, telling him to take care of himself more but he can barely respond with anything more than a hum, far too gone in a blissful state where you and only you exist.

taking care of emotionally stunted and malnourished men who just need to be held and be given affection is my form of self care istg <3

why does mikey just gotta check all my boxes tho ugh mitsuya and draken are right there but no i want the tiny manchild to hold close ughhh

-🌌

it's weird, small tiny pathetic man who can't do shit for himself right? You'd think I'd be on that like stink on shit but...something about the "babies" in Tokyorev don't do it for me. Mikey, Chifuyu...I just...I dunno man I try but I can't. Gimme them loud stupid tall ones any day I'll mommy the shit outta them. But-

Mikey in your lap after a long day. Well, every day is long for him. Even when he's just at home. Collapsing into you is his end goal because he know you won't move him. Push him off or do anything really. Just entangle your fingers in his hair and let him simply be. No thoughts. No questions. He's got too many of them on his own so when you don't impose anymore on him is when Mikey can shut down.

It's the way you set warm meals out for him. Even though he might not touch them. The way you ask him if he ate today while booping him on the head. Draw him a bath without asking. Insisting that he's going to soak. It's not his decision to make because around you he doesn't have to make decisions.

Fingers combed through his hair. Tangles unraveled like the way you unravel his nerves. It's like one big exhale when you dote on him without him acting like he wants it. Because really he does want it. He wants you to envelope him and take it all away. Albiet temporary. Mikey still wants to slip into nothing when you hold all the cards. Do what you will with him because in those seconds he doesn't even know what to do with himself. He's a stranger in his mind. But the most familiar person in the world to you. And for that he's thankful for it all.

#my wife is in love with mikey and i just...im trying but i dont get the allure #i dont hate him! i dont even gotta fight him like i gotta fight draken #he's just like #there #like an single celled organism floating around #i hardly think about him even though the stories literally about him XD #mikey is in a weird limbo for me while everyone is in love with him and like chifuyu and stuff #that switch in my brain has just not been switched i dont get it #to be fair at least i dont wanna fight him so that feels like an improvement XD #🌌.♡#tokyorev #tokyorev mikey #manjiro sano

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elishamanning · 3 years ago

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Kramer: "Well, with us... we ask ourselves, how can something like (the Leverkusen game) happen, and we notice our surroundings asking that, we on the inside ask ourselves that, sometimes we come to a weird conclusion, what, do we have two faces? But we only think that because we only look at ourselves. But what do the Dortmunders think, winning 5-1 against Frankfurt, thus German champions obviously, then they lose 2-1 in Freiburg and everybody's thinking, well, they're not that good, are they. Will Bayern show their Supercup face, or their face-against-us, or against 1. FC Köln? The Leipzigers, do they show their Mainz-face or that outstanding show they put on against Stuttgart? These "problems of consistency" when you're a Gladbach fan, or a Gladbach player, you think 'these are Gladbach-only problems', but the others have them as well. It's always a matter of how you handle it and that you don't let it... well, tear you down emotionally. The important thing is to avoid a negative spiral, mentally, because, as everybody who's ever played football will know, in the end the decisive issue is always in your head (((aaaah, that's a bad translation. It's a mental issue, is what he says.))), and it always will be." Knippi: "Completely agree. And by the way, that's not limited to football." Kramer: "Well, exactly. It's not even worth discussing, when you enjoy doing something, when you're positive about it - it's not exactly a brand-new psychological finding - it'll always turn out better than when you're negative about it. So let's not, after the second matchday, tear everything down, and let's not, after the first matchday, praise everything to the heavens." Knippi: "Did you expect that? Becoming professional footballers, all that stuff that comes with it, besides playing football, all that stuff raining down on you?" Neuhaus: "Well, it just happens, it just all happens automatically. In the end, you become a footballer because you have fun playing football, and you don't much think about that kind of stuff that comes with it. You grow into it and you learn to handle it." Knippi: "So you're not actively getting prepared for that? Because in the last podcast you (Chris) said 'that's the guys from the NLZ' So it's not part of your training there?" Neuhaus: "No, it wasn't a subject in mine." Kramer: "Well to be completely honest, looking back, I thought football would be funnier, or at least less serious, and a bit more honest. That's also why I like this club so much, because I know that here at least you get an honest basis, like, I feel understood here, I have a certain relationship of trust to, for example, Max Eberl, but I wouldn't have imagined, without spilling any beans now, that football's such a not-really-nice business. So this is one of the best things here, for me, knowing that I have an honest and trustful basis that can be built on. And I really wouldn't have ever imagined it all to be so grossly serious. Sometimes I think inappropriately serious, because football is such a beautiful thing and when you get to do it as a profession, plaiyng football, there's nothing easier than joyfully going somewhere every day. These are the best conditions to have, the working hours, just turning your hobby into a profession - everything about football is 'geil', but still you get this completely inappropriate seriousness about it making you go, aw, it's tough. That's a shame I think, I wouldn't have thought so when I started out. I always wanted to be a footballer because, well, for one it's my passion, but also I thought every day would just be fun, and I think it should be, and that in the end that would be performance-enhancing, I'm quite sure about that. (laughing, saying that)." Knippi: "What do you think?" Neuhaus: "Always hard to disagree. The gist is we're all playing football because it's great fun being on the pitch. Of course there are always periods when it's a little harder but all in all and especially looking back you always regard things much more positive

than maybe you felt in that particular moment. (I don't really understand what he's saying there), but anyway the positives should always be front centre." Knippi: "What you just said, Chris, the seriousness, I also think it's too much sometimes. For example if a team's not playing well and the people on the pitch get personally attacked/insulted. I get to witness that when I'm down there, and sometimes I think 'what is wrong with you?', like, I get being unhappy when the team that has your heart isn't doing well, being unhappy, or sad, or disappointed, I get that, but not attacking the players personally. Well thank God that isn't an issue currently, and there's no reason why it should be." Kramer: "No, I don't think that's happened to me in my career... Well, once, playing with VfL Bochum in Aue, I was pelted with snowballs by our own fans but, in retrospect, that was quite funny." Knippi: "Like how?" Kramer: "Well, because we lost 6-1 playing in the snow. I'd say I'm a good player on snow, but, well, Ronny König is the best snow-player on this planet. He (literally he says 'he put four cherries into our basket', meaning he scored four goals... as you probably would have guessed.) So then our own fans, who'd travelled to Aue on a Monday night, threw snow balls at us, and we completely deserved it. And I do think every fan is right, and has the right, to use this outlet, that they're paying money for, to let off steam. Because football, in the end, is entertainment. Only, it doesn't help. What I meant with the seriousness is the whole stuff around it as well. Football is just a game. It's supposed to be fun, but sometimes I think, looking at the newspapers, all the sociopolitical issues, and seriousness... it's still football." Knippi: "Did I just understand you correctly, you're saying it's a fan's right to pelt you with snowballs?" Kramer: "Well... it gets its down dynamic, and it's not too bad. If someone insults me, say, I don't really have a problem with that. I don't take it personally because I don't think it's meant that way. It may not be the right approach and I may not understand their motive, but... that person is angry, they've had a bad week at work, then they come here, and we play badly ("nur hintenrum" - too defensively) so they have a right to...-as a fan, of course, you have to question whether that's doing any good. We've not really had that here in Gladbach and when there were beginnings of it, we had talks with the ultras, and stuff, we're quite close to the fans, so we don't really have that issue here, but you do see it with other clubs, and close friends of mine, they have had situations where I'd really say, now this is too much (I wonder if he's talking of Leon/the end at Schalke here), and that's just not on, but generally, we are an outlet for many and football is entertainment. When you're not being entertained you're entitled to boo. I don't mind. There's just this double standard - look at me, talking again for ten minutes straight (Knippi and Flo laugh), and you have to cut it all afterwards- once again I take ten minutes to get to the point, but you can't - you want to play with a young squad, and they'll make mistakes. You can't boo them. Or you can't say you want to play with a young squad. Very simply put." Knippi: "Tommy Schmitt, your successor at 11Freunde put it quite well there, I thought. It's very counterproductive to boo and whistle." Kramer: "Yes, well, you have to ask yourself, no matter what you do - I mean when you get to the office and everybody's scowling at you, thinking 'what an idiot!', you'll feel that as a person with empathy, like every footballer, and when you're booed, that does something to you... I can promise everybody: booing a player will never make them better, not ever." Knippi: "'Snow-player' you just said. You're not a good 'snow-player'." Kramer: "I'm a GREAT snow-player!" Neuhaus: "They lost 6-1, I don't think he's that great. They wouldn't have lost 6-1, would they?" Kramer: "Well Leon, Leon Goretzka

and I, we still talk a lot about that day. I'd say, Leon and I, we both have these long levers, we really are good snow-players, on a proper layer of snow, like there in Aue. But Ronny König! He's Messi on snow. Awesome, really." Knippi: "Wouldn't it be better to have short legs and a low centre of gravity?" Kramer: "I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, looking at Leon, and myself, AND Ronny König you can conclude the tall ones with the long legs are good on snow." (very scientific, this.) Knippi: "What kind of a snow-player are you?" Neuhaus: "There weren't any snow-games anymore in my time." Kramer: "NLZ, dude!" Knippi: "I know but..." Kramer: "No!" Neuhaus: "Climate change." Knippi: "But in your youth you must have played on snow once, haven't you?" Neuhaus: "Hardly." Knippi: "You're THAT young?!" Neuhaus: "At 1860 we had astroturf with undersoil heating." Knippi: "Did you ever play on clay?" Neuhaus: "...and anywhere in the stadiums today. There just aren't snow games like that anymore these days." Kramer: "He's from Bavaria, they don't have clay. They just have meadows and pastures, they play on the most beautiful pitches. Here in NRW when you're playing Galatasaray Mühlheim you know what's going down? You know what's going down, playing on clay?" Neuhaus: "I can just imagine." Kramer: "You take two weeks before you can go back to school because your legs - you simply can't walk anymore..." Knippi: "You've never played on clay?" Neuhaus: "No, never." Knippi: "You don't know that feeling when your grazed-open thigh is stuck to your jeans?" Neuhaus: "Yes, well, as a little child I played on the street..." (It goes on a bit yet, but I've already fallen asleep twice and I'm not sure these "translations" are making much sense anyway, so I'll leave it at this, now, alright? Flo played on asphalt, so he knows about open wounds from football. And Knippi claims he's still got remnants of clay in his thigh from decades ago. Hehe. I'll do the rest another time.)

first of all THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH

it's always interesting to hear about a player's mindset

it's really interesting to see how an athlete's relationship with their changes over time. like to have something that was for fun and a hobby turn into your job is a pretty incredible transition. it's something a lot of people experience to an extent, but to have it on this high a level is pretty unique.

Kramer: "No, I don't think that's happened to me in my career... Well, once, playing with VfL Bochum in Aue, I was pelted with snowballs by our own fans but, in retrospect, that was quite funny."

chrikra???? please??? what is this... snowballs???

i also agree that while fans are allowed to show their discontent, it does often cross a line. idk if he was referring to something like leon's ending with schalke, but that instance of schalke fans chasing and attacking the players is something that definitely comes to mind here. i think i actually draw a shorter line than chrikra here.

Neuhaus: "There weren't any snow-games anymore in my time." Kramer: "NLZ, dude!" Knippi: "I know but..." Kramer: "No!" Neuhaus: "Climate change." Knippi: "But in your youth you must have played on snow once, haven't you?" Neuhaus: "Hardly." Knippi: "You're THAT young?!"

omg flo please

i do love the idea of chrikra and leon reminiscing about their old games together... my heart

anyway i love this podcast and i hope they do more of it

and thank you again SO MUCH

#answered #anonymous #christoph kramer #florian neuhaus

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liz-and-the-blue-bird · 2 years ago

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Good Morning to me

Though it is pretty close to noon right now.

Today's soundtrack

We broke up today.

Well, kind of yesterday but we finished talking it all out today.

She was cheating on me but was only emotionally. Hm. The only shouldn't belong in the sentence.

An alternative soundtrack, for if you want something more akin to what I feel right now.

It's a big shame, because I really did feel like she was it. We, in theory, had a lot in common, with just enough differences to make conversations interesting. We had similar hobbies, conversation styles, hell, even libido, everything. She just simply never let me share it with her, at least that's my perspective.

It's kind of weird, because this was the same girl that made me start writing these blog posts to myself when she broke up with me many years ago. You can still see them if you look at the "to me" tag.

I've come to really like this set of articles to myself. I appreciate the sentiment they provide and the care they give, well, "to me." They say what I'm currently doing or what happened, my thoughts on the subject, and, most of all, they're kind to the future me.

I like that they're somewhat public, but not particularly so, as I don't know most of you in person, I don't think.

But I digress, let's focus on the topic at hand.

So I broke up with her. I don't want to get into how I found out, what exactly happened, what even was the cheating itself, because I know down the line when I read this, it will hurt. And I've saved logs and all that of this information so I can find it if I ever want to. So instead I'm choosing to focus on what is positive about this relationship ending.

First of all, because she simply didn't give me time or attention at all in our relationship, I actually have very few associations with her. I put my recent music likes on random and found that very few of them really hit me in the same way that they did when I had broken up with her many years ago. We didn't have any anime we shared between each other because she just didn't want to spend time watching anime via discord with me, even when she said she was excited about it when we first got together. We played 2 total games, one of which I'm not going to play again and the other of which is minecraft. Like in no way am I going to associate her with minecraft that's way too big of a topic. All of that. So I'm somewhat getting away scot-free.

I've never felt more weight-loss motivated in my life. Not gym-going motivation, but weight-loss motivation. I've never really had an issue with going to the gym. I've always had issues with stopping eating. And right now... I really feel driven to calorie count. Mostly because of the following reason:

I... kind of want to make her feel like she lost something big. Well I know she feels this way, she told me herself. She wants to keep it going, will drop the guy she cheated on me with, etc. But I ... just won't be able to trust her. I won't. That's just how it is. But I really want to make her feel like she lost something. I know it's petty, but sometimes it's ok to be petty I think.

So i've set a goal for myself. It's somewhat loose but it's there.

There is one song that I actually somewhat associate her with. It's the Set it off X Miku song. Which is.. a break up song. Well rather, a lost love song.

In the song, the singer says it's been 10 months and 20 days since the break up and they're still thinking about their previous partner.

So, well.

Weight loss target of sub-200lbs in 10 months and 20 days (either December 30th or January 2nd depending on how you count this, I'll go for the more recent one).

I'm somewhat overweight, and I've struggled with it for a long time, but I hope this can keep me maintained on this target for a while. I'd been researching this topic anyway (mostly for the ex girl anyway) so I feel like I have the tools nowadays. At least I hope so.

When I was first broken up with by this girl, I used it as a way to learn how to be better alone. Maybe now I can use it to be better at not being lonely.

Cheers.

And well, good luck.

I won the I love you game because you were busy loving someone else

#to me #if you read this and watch my stream don't bring it up on stream please #i don't want to hate brigade this girl no one deserves that kind of thing #and also thank you spending time reading this #you're all very cool #i'll be quiet now

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lizacstuff · 4 years ago

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Liza that 3rd fragman 👀 "if I was born a 100 times I'd fall in love with you everytime" Eda saying this is their last obstacle and nothing can separate them, serkan's "I'll be right back, close your eyes I'm here" If this isn't all a red flag for shits about to hit the fan then I don't know what is LOL (but also how cute to Edser look and them telling each other they love each other very much 😭😭😭)

That fragman is both the SWEETEST and the MOST OMINOUS thing I’ve ever seen. ALL AT ONCE.

Friends... we’re gonna go through some things. That being said, everything is going to be great. These writers have been solid so far, and I have faith they have come up with something really interesting to increase the longevity of this show. And I don’t know about you, but I’m prepared to go through some things if it means keeping Eda and Serkan for longer. (I heart them)

This show is about Eda and Serkan and their love story, at it’s core it’s a comedy, it will all lead to happy things, but... yeah, buckle up!

I have a lot of asks both about the fragman and last ep, so I’m going to answer a bunch under the cut.

Anonymous said: The fandom theories about episode 28 have gotten so wild that I literally think the most shocking thing would be if they actually got married and were not separated (emotionally or physically). What if the earlier painful episodes were to make us believe that things couldn't possibly go right in 28 and it's a reverse psychology trick?

You could be right! I like your thinking. I checked on twitter and I had to back away slowly. The juvenile temper tantrums were too much for me today.

Look, I think it’s clear something big is coming. It has to, there has to be something that shakes up the show. Some of the theories are more upsetting and catastrophic than others, but the writers won’t do anything that dings either character or their love for one another. Whatever happens will showcase the connection between these two and the chemistry between the actors, that’s the point of everything, and anything that does those things is gonna be a-okay with me.

@jan31 Hi Liza. Do you think we are going to see the wedding in 28 or they will leave it on a cliffhanger for next week. Lots of theories going round mainly cos of Neslihan saying new dimensions coming in episode 29, which could just mean married life etc. I have seen suggestions of memory loss, it's all a dream since episode one. I would personally love Eda to wake up like in episode one but for it to be a total turn around and she is the boss and Serkan the employee. Eda being robot yildiz appeals to me!!! I know it will never happen but leave me here with my dreams!!

I started the day at 90% sure they’ll be married in 28/29, but now I’m down to like 30% that they’ll get married in these episodes. I really, really want them to get married before whatever happens happens, because every scenario I can think of for this reset or starting again, seems like it would be better if they were married.

However, the shooting spoilers from today, make me question that. Namely the videos where Hande appears to still be wearing the ring on her right hand. We shall see, that could be for many reasons.

Honestly, though, I wouldn’t hate a memory loss storyline. Seeing one of them (and Serkan’s line in the trailer makes it seem like it might be him) lose their memory and have to fall in love all over again? There are worse fates for a shipper than getting to experience that all again but in a different way.

Anonymous said: Your response to the fandom drama anon was so good, it's exactly how I feel. While I don't know what the old posts that were like are (that's shady as fuck) I did see all the other drama go down and wow. The actresses def need to stay in their lane and some of the fans, hoooo boy, it's obvious they're young based off their reactions alone. Had to unfollow some people once I realized what they were like. Also some of the IRL shipping reminded me of col*fer stuff, reading into everything and blowing it out of proportion (which then gets picked up by paps....). But you're right in that at least the show related drama is tame compared to OUAT. But still, people being too careless even while they know the paps see everything and harass Kerem and hande (omg did you see the video of hande the other day stopped in the van and she looked so overwhelmed 😔)

You’re referencing this post here about yesterday’s drama.

Today Neslihan made it worse by addressing everything and claiming she didn’t like all those Hande-bashing posts because... wait for it... she was HACKED. Oy. Hackers got in and went back two years to like gross posts about Hande? Sure, Jan. While I don’t believe that for a second, I guess that at least gives her cover with Hande so they can all pretend it’s true and move on so it’s not awkward on set. But, yikes, she needs to consult a publicist, she took a narrative that was circulating in certain circles in fandom and made sure all her followers were aware. Not very savvy.

As for the paps coming after Hande, yes I did see her in the car, she did look overwhelmed. Back off vultures!!! That’s why I think Kerem sometimes throws himself to the wolves so that doesn’t happen. She always handles them like a pro, but you can tell she’d rather be anywhere else on earth than talking to them.

The pap stuff is worse than I’ve seen before, they’re like vultures circling for any conjecture (sometimes made up out of thin air) they can turn into a question and blame fans. OUAT actors dealt with nothing like this. Also I can’t believe they never ask about the show. Like after last week? They could legit ask about the sex scene which probably would have given them some angle on the actors that they wanted, (especially since it was too hot for Turkish TV) but they let that pass them by, and instead asked the same questions about being together that they never answer. Dumbasses. They are not only awful people, they are awful at their jobs.

In Van, the paps pay off crew members for info, they always know more than fans. Also I don’t remember stars of my shows getting this level of tabloid attention before. Except for on Riverdale, Lili and Cole generated that level of interest, and while I didn’t pay terribly close attention to them, I feel like they rarely talked to the paps, were just photographed. Also I don’t suspected the CW of calling the paps on them, but I suspect either the network or production company of sometimes calling them on Hande and Kerem.

Anonymous said: Do you think it’s weird that they didn’t touch the kidnapping at all in either trailer? They might not have filmed it in time for the 1st one but certainly the 2nd. And I’m definitely not complaining about the ones we got because its like a fairytale but the kidnapping was the cliffhanger...? 🧐 I think they should’ve just left the princes storyline at “he went back to his country” but then they didn’t so......

If they’d left his story at just going back to his country, then the Prince really wouldn’t have served his purpose. He was brought on to cause some sort of trouble, so they probably need him to cause the trouble before he goes, lets hope it ends with this kidnapping!

And to answer your question, yes, I do think it’s weird that neither trailer touched on it. On any other show I’d think it was a huge red flag, but on this show maybe not as much because a) there’s obviously a lot of romance in this episode, it’s not crazy that they are focusing on that to draw people in with the promos b) this show likes to do cliffhangers that end up being no big deal, that happens a lot.

Who knows it could turn out to be a big deal that shapes the rest of the episode in some unexpected way (Eda’s captured the whole episode and she’s dreaming about wedding prep, or... who knows) but I think it’s more likely that they resolve in the first 5-10 minutes and then move on. Since we know from the summary (not that I trust those) that Serkan goes on the bachelor weekend, it feels like the Prince is taken care of prior to that. I don’t think he’d leave her alone for a second if there was a chance the Prince was still a threat. Perhaps Babaanne is pissed he tried to kidnap Eda and tells them she’ll handle it herself???

Anonymous said: Semiha not being in the promo is highkey suspicious. The actress is promoting the episode lol. She's about to Evil Queen this wedding ceremony but you know what, I'm fine with whatever she has planned if they end up married at the end of the day. What's funny is that since a lot of fans these days will assume that there will be shocking negative plot twists, not actually having one here would be a plot twist so I hope the writers keep them together for whatever's next haha

You’re not wrong, at this point, having this wedding take place would be a shocking twist for all of us! As for Semiha... hmmm... it will be interesting to see what her reaction is to Eda being kidnapped by her pick of suitor. Serkan Bolat might be the son of the man indirectly responsible for her parents death, but he would never hurt her. Take note, Grandbag!

Anonymous said: Do you mind sharing your speculative scenarios?

After the trailer today, I don’t know if I can even remember some of them.

Memory loss

Grandma forces Serkan to choose between Eda and his company/wealth, he chooses Eda and they start over from scratch with nothing

Time jump

AU starting over, showing a different path they might have taken together

Dream

These actors playing different characters in a new story

I don’t think the last three are likely, but they did spring to mind after some of Neslihan’s teases.

Anonymous said: So this show doesn't get like fantastic ratings (it actually seems to be on the lower end compared to all other dizis airing) but the social media engagement is off the charts. Why is that?!? Is the show just extraordinarily popular internationally? or that this is a "shipping" show? I'm floored by the numbers - its like no other show/fandom is even trying

The ratings were terrific during the summer. But to your point, it has a huge fandom both in Turkey and internationally, but it’s worth noting that most of those charts you see where it beats every other show in every imaginable social metric is just for Turkey.

It’s one of those lightning in a bottle situations where you get the right property and the right actors together at the right time and magic happens. And, for sure, the number one reason is the shipping. Shipping drives fandom engagement, and a fantastic ship with a juicy, fun, tropey love story is what this show offers. It also offers up two extremely attractive, talented, likeable leads with off-the-charts chemistry (plus the added speculation about an off-camera relationship that has intrigued more than a few fans, tabloids and gossip sites and fueled interest) who have done a good job of building the fanbase through their social media engagement. Plus the timing is part of it as well. I don’t know about you, but this show hit the spot during this pandemic and the horror of 2020. We all needed this escape.

Anonymous said:Do you think something happened in the writers room after the backlash of 25 and fan disappointment after Ayse's announcement? I feel like a switch flipped and now we're in fanficland with how much good content we've gotten in these last two episodes. Like I thought maybe they should wrap up the series soon before the characters got completely off the tracks but they may be finding their groove now and I'm interested to see what their next twist is after they can write out Balca/Seymen.

I don’t know about a switch flip, this show has been fanfic land since the first episode! The tropes! That is how I described it to multiple people when I first started watching: an AU fanfic come to life.

As for the writing changes, no, I don’t think backlash after 25 affected 26 or 27, because 26 was already 90% shot, and 27 already written. However, I assume they themselves could tell that 25 got just too dark and had strayed pretty far from the DNA of the series. While I didn’t think it was bad, it was not fun to watch and this show ought to be fun to watch.

Let’s hope, however, that the backlash affects future episodes in that they know what works... and what doesn’t. The last two episodes definitely felt reminiscent of the first batch of episodes. Light, funny, romantic. If they can keep that tone... I’ll be thrilled.

Anonymous said: i didn't realize how much i missed "together" edser until watching 27.. it's been so long since they were "officially" together and we also had such few episodes of it.. ppl have been comparing it to 12 and while in some ways i agree, edser are always so different here than they were there. 12 was them navigating their new relationship.. they were more shy and finding their footing.. here they are very much established, as they should be after knowing their love for so long in comparison to 12!

Yes, it was lovely. You know I’ve preached a lot about how even though Eda and Serkan were broken up, they’ve still been together all this time. And it’s true, but there is something about them truly being together that is magical. We never got enough of that the first time around (a writing mistake in my opinion) and they’re so good together it’s lovely to watch.

Anonymous said: Serkan not asking for help from Balca when asking his team for help with the marriage gifts preparations and refusing her offer of help when she asked made me so happy. Good job Serkan! He's learning! She's not trustworthy!

Yes, that was a good moment. And he was eyeing her very warily when she offered. The thing I don’t understand is how has no one caught on that she’s working with Babaanne? That entire office is filled with nosy people, has no one remarked on the number of times Balca has gone up to the office or they’ve disappeared for lunch at the same time? Come on Leyla! Come on Melo! Notice these things!

Anonymous said: Fingers crossed that we finally make progress towards getting rid of Seiman & Balca now that all the girls were drugged and Eda was put in the car in the last episode. Unless Seiman has a change of heart and takes Eda back inside before anyone wakes & the guys get there then the show has to address it. Although I do not think Balca is going to back down unless Serkan straight up tells her he has zero interest in her and never will. Totally fine if that happens in the next episode.

Will Balca backdown even if she’s humiliated like that? She’s so delusional I’m not sure. What I am sure is that she’s dangerous. This came in before we saw the other two fragmans that have no mention of the kidnapping. Hard to picture how that is so easily resolved. Unless she frees herself (which seems unlikely in her groggy state) or maybe Melo’s future boyfriend is able to stop it before they get far? Or I don’t know. I just know that I want to see Serkan lose his mind and all the other characters see Serkan lose his mind and then I want it to be over. LOL.

Anonymous said: As much as I am loving everything Edser, I cannot wait for Seiman, Balca and Grandma to be gone. And I am even more annoyed to think that the show might try to redeem all 3 characters. All 3 of them are truly awful people and no need to waste air time trying to make the audience think any different. Just my opinion...🤷🏻‍♀️. Show please finally expose those 3 for the psychos they are and get rid of them.

Bye bitches! I don’t think there’s any redemption for Balca and Seiman. They both have poisoned/dosed people, hard to come back from that. And there is no need to redeem them because neither is compelling enough to be a long-term character. But maybe Granny, we probably will see a redemption arc for her.

Anonymous said: i know you were worried a few weeks ago that with ayse leaving as writer, we probably wouldn't have the same sort of comedy as previous episodes... but istg the whole kiz isteme scene, especially with chef alex, had me almost crying with laughter. especially when serkan off the cuff just goes "well if that's an option..." to everyone misunderstanding alex "wanting" ayfer for 2 nights and then eda ready to beat him with the flowers he bought her... comedic gold lmao.

SO GOOD! I was thrilled to see that sort of comedy, the sort of comedy we’d come to expect, from these writers. I think it bodes very well indeed!

That scene was amazing. I know Neslihan said that much of it was improvised. Probably that line from Serkan (since Serkan is SO out-of-his-mind in love I’m not sure he could even joke about having Eda only two nights a week! LOL) was improv from Kerem, and Aydan asking about the other nights, and Seyfi bringing up the weekend. And Eda’s very Hande-esque “Ser-KAN.”

I just love rewatching that scene and checking out everyone who is breaking character and just losing it. Cagri most of all. He’s blurred aback there but you can see Ferit spends the whole time laughing or trying to stifle a laugh. Reminds me of Cagri in the scene in 18 when they’re watching the security footage he was losing it in that scene as well.

Anonymous said: i'm scared - I think they are really about to give us all of these happy EdSer scenes only to have something happen RIGHT before the wedding ceremony due to Babaanne. Based on the last episode, I don't think there's any chance of a breakup (knock on wood) but what if Serkan gets arrested, goes to jail for 2 years, and we get a time jump?

This was sent before the last two teasers, so yes I think something is gonna happen. We shall see! I don’t really think Serkan going to jail for 2 years is in the cards, at least I hope not! Besides if Babaanne did that she would have no hopes of ever reconciling with Eda, so that seems unlikely she’d follow through and leave him there for so long a time.

Anonymous said: With the last week's sex scene, they did a lot of fade outs but the scene was basically still there so it wasn't much wasted effort for the actors. But for what they're teasing in episode 28 - idk how they can get away with showing them in the shower at all if Serkan lifting Eda with her clothes on had required blurring? Is Eda dropping her robe even pushing it? It's intriguing indeed.

Great questions. We’re 36 hours from finding out (well I'm longer than that because I wait for the English subs, hee hee) All I know is I want to see these scenes.. one way or another!

#sen cal kapimi #edser #Sen Çal Kapımı #sck spoilers #sck specualtion #sckask #sck episode discussion #asklizac #Anonymous

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0hcicero · 3 years ago

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Ugh. I am having such a struggleful day. Last week I worked my ass off trying to get one of our courses audits approved by a certifying body, under the wire, organizing the team (that I'm not even an official supervisor for), pushing through revisions, testing, and communication, listening to boss tell me she wanted to puke because she was so stressed and wanted to quit, while I held *her* hand and dictated *her* emails to our auditors and ensured everyone else on the team had tasks and directions and felt supported.

I decided that night that I was done working at this place where I put in so much extra work an effort, and started the long road of job hunting. I spent much of Saturday in the sort of a bleary-eyed zombie motions that one finds themselves in when they're burnt out, lonely, and still trying, for the love of god, to remain functional - slowly cleaning my apartment while texting a friend. Sunday I called my Pop for father's day, and talked about work, and how I was going to look for another job, and then spent the day (having only had a single coffee in my belly) working on my stupid linkedin profile, updating my resume, emailing my contacts, and writing a cover letter for a single position at a nearby college. It was 7 by the time I was finished, I hadn't left the house, I hadn't eaten. In an effort to decompress, I ordered some take out and stayed up later than I intended. I woke up to a bit of a whiplash at work - on one hand congratulating us for getting things done on the course and audit, and another backhanding us for recent development slowdowns that were not the fault of the individuals in the team, but because of my boss's inability to manage clients, projects, timelines, and processes. When I asked for a meeting for the team to have a fuller picture of all of this being tossed at us ("we're taking ten times longer to put out courses than we should be!") I was brushed off and told not to worry about it, and then alternately told that my boss was 'flabberghasted' and 'didn't understand' and then that she 'could totally see where are bottlenecks were' and all of that in the same sentence - just headspinning nonsense. Add to it, I had a bit of a problem with a friend last week overstepping his boundaries, and when I talked to him about it, it felt like I'd strained the friendship a bit. I've got anxiety, and when he cancelled our game night, because his son was sick, I felt like it was secretly because he didn't want to deal with me -- which is ungenerous and also likely not the case, but it's COVID, we've been under quarantine for like 6 months where I haven't been able to be in close proximity of more than one person, and I felt bad and lonely, and that, my anxiety, and my attempts today to give him a tiny assist with work (we work together), felt like it was falling flat. Honestly its so dumb to be so upset about all of this. But it feels like everything in my life is so strained. I'm so fucking lonely and even talking in the group chat to my friends feels weird right now, because obviously I work with one of my friends, so my usual venting doesn't feel like a good idea (I don't want to make him feel worried or uncomfortable about work, and I don't want to have to assuage any work discomfort my venting might cause, or explain why I'm looking for a new job), and just in general, I feel like nothing comes out of my mouth right, and like I just keep adding tension and straining everything for everyone and really, really fucking things up. I feel like we're all just dealing with a lot of social strain with being unable to be in the same room together. With quarantine, we're all forced to hold onto all of our own stress and problems, because we don't want to add negativity onto the group chat, because its hard to respond to and emotionally taxing, and we're taxed already. And then when you try to bring some levity or goodness, there's always something leavening it, and it's not wrong to do so, but it always feels like someone poked the hole in the balloon you tried to toss to them, instead. Or else someone will say something in a way they didn't intend, or go to far, or be just a bit too negative, and it all stalls out, and then people in their anxiety delete their posts, and its impossible to approach without it all feeling like #DRAMA, when in fact, it's the least of it. It's just that we can't be in the same room, getting comfort from being in closer proximity, reading faces and body language and tone of voice, enjoying the energy and taking the temperature of the room. It's harder to change topics of

conversation, it's so difficult to make people feel seen and heard, and to respond appropriately, when you can't just have a purposeful nod or a squeeze of the hand when words fail. I don't know about anyone else, but I feel so adrift. I feel really out to sea, like the only thing holding me to my friends these days is this thin cord of communication, just sinking into the ocean of the everything between us, while I'm all alone out here, trying to hold on and not let it drop, but not hold on too tight, so I don't snap it from their hands, and also trying to look like I'm not so desperate and needy about it, like I'm just casually enjoying the ride, when I'm really worried about getting to the other side of this whole thing in tact. I just feel really weird and dumb and stupid and lonely and shitty at everything. Life is super fun right now, guys.

#personal #personal stuff #please don't reblog #mental health #tw: anxiety #tw: pandemic #Covid and anxiety #anxiety disorder

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mrs-mikko-rantanen · 4 years ago

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Uhm, my day was decent? I mean aside from the fact that mornings exist and I did not want to wake up in time for my shift at work. But. And the end of the day when I have literal hours to do stuff after.. it works out cuz. Usually I get off and its oh shit I have enough time to halfway emotionally recharge and then its time for bed.

But. I got in and E^2 had put like. My name down on the schedule, and. That was great really. And we had this sheet for sign up of, basically what areas you want to be personally responsible for. And I signed light and it was great. And I dont think anyone really noticed cuz the manager wasn't there and no one else really looked at the schedule or anything else. But. It made me happy.

Still haven't gotten my name tag changed and honestly I dont think I'm going to. Cuz. I feel like I'm just being a bother asking again. But. It is what it is I guess.

I got off at five and its now nine and ive just been vibing in the car listening and singing to Spotify since I got off just trying to keep the sad at bay. And I should probably go home but. I dont want to. Cuz I know I'm just gonna wallow in the sad and self destructive tendencies if i go home.. If I ask nicely will the fae take me in as one of their own and I can become a cryptid in the woods?????

I have a three day weekend coming up and im considering doing a touch up on my hair since its really washed out. But I cant decide if I wanna keep it fully red or try and do like an ombre double tone thingy.. but I'm not sure what other color I'd try to do to the tips? Idk

I kinda wish my hair was longer so I could do like. The galaxy hair thing? Where its various shades of purple and blue and some pink and it looks different depending on how you style it. But I also know attempting to grow my hair out longer than I already plan to is a bad idea, cuz the sides and back are already getting too long and I hate it. But I wish I could do fun stuff with it too

Oh well. The duality of man i guess..

Uhm. I bought a giant plastic egg the other day, that reminds me of a dragons egg kinda. And I'm trying to decide if I should keep a hoard of dice in there or a hoard of crystals. Cuz. Dice and the clacky math rocks. But. Also shiny crystally gems

Speaking of dice I also really kinda want to try and get into a dnd group, but social anxiety and I have zero idea where to start with that so. That's fun.

Im currently resisting the urge to go and get more holes and metal in my head too. I just. The red hair makes me feel cool and powerful and I wanna look punk and

Sorry I've been rambling for like half a novel. I'll stop now before I get annoying. I mean I definitely already am. But you asked for asks and distractions and 👉👈 I love you

Id ask about your day but you seem to want a distraction from that sooo. How about, got any fun headcanons to share??

Thats awesome on the name front!!! I saw that and I got really excited for you when you posted the picture this morning, honestly I think you should bring up the nametag again, esspecially if its showing up on the schedule too. (Oddly enough I kicked around the idea of using a new name with friends and sruff today which is weird mostly bc like i like my name irl, its fairly androgynous and it makes me happy and i love my online name bc it means me :))

My vote is two tone!! I almost did a pink/purple ombre with my hair this round so I say do ittttt (that's also what I say about the extra holes and metal. Do itttttrrr)

That would be a hard choice but u do really like the idea of a giant dragons egg full of dice ngl. I need to find some people to play with too. I'm trying to get b and c in on something but idk if its ever really gonna pan out the way I want it too. My town actually has a pretty active dnd community but I am way too new and way too socially anxious to ever join something like that so I feel you there.

100% not annoying, each paragraph made me smile more. :)

My day was actually mostly ok, i just sorta ruined it with Danny at home. I just pointed out that the idealized dream band life that I wanted and thought I had was what she got and that it made me kinda jealous and she pointed out (correctly) that I'm jealous of so many aspects of her life that she now has a list of things she can't talk to me about for fear of setting me into a spiral and just. Yeah. That wasnt fun.

But work was ok. The kids all were really tierd so there was a fair bit of crying going on, but the weather was really nice so we got to go outside with them for a long time and that was very nice. I also got some really sweet cuddles from a few of them that made me very happy.

Oh! I also have a funny story about them!! So I was squatting (my main position is almost like Spiderman bc I'm down on the kids' level but i can also get up and move if I need to pretty quick) and one of the girls goes and gets a book, then stands right in front of me and points at the floor and says "sit" in the most authoritative voice I have ever hear from a 1 1/2 year old 😂 as soon as I sat down she was in my lap and opening the book so I could read to her.

As far as headcanons.... Sadly my brain is bouncimg mostly art ideas for the Tamgled au and not anything of substance so I may take a crack at that later. Otherwise I keep thinking about whumped up Will crying on the floor and Maurie finding him. Really I'm just thinking about Maurie and Will being bros. A lot. So much. God I love them.

#also i love you

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