#to those curious no bat doesnt die-

[carrotsandallthatjazz]

[helahades]

HC: Natasha as a Mother Figure to Tony Stark’s Daughter

Request: “Hey, I really love your writing and like to request a hc :)

Headcanon where you're Tony's daughter (Peter's age), and Natasha has been like a mother figure to you, since she's been working for/with Tony.”

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A/N: I got carried away with this one. It’s angsty. Honestly Natasha is such a mystery to me so this was a nice challenge.

If you’re interested in more on Nat being a mom, check out @avengerscompound ‘s HC about her here. I read it a while back and again before writing this and I think she deserves your time. She understands these characters like no one I’ve ever seen!

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This is quite a situation.

I can’t imagine Tony having raised a child from birth to mid adolescence by the time he’s meeting Nat and the Avengers Initiative is kicking off. He matures a lot through his timeline, but that’s a rough time for him.

So I’ll imagine that not only are you Peters age, but similarly to Peter, Tony took you under his wing.

He adopted you around the events of Age of Ultron let’s say. (You’ll remember Nat vocalizes frustration with not being able to start a family in this movie)

You become a lot of the reason he becomes panicked about protecting the world, and make it easier for him to understand Wanda

Also, assuming Pepper is in the picture, you’d have a stable foundation as time went on, and a main mother figure.

BUT LETS GET TO NAT

Right off the bat, this reads like a Miles Morales and Spiderverse Peter Parker situation, wherein Miles already has loving parents and doesnt need Peter to be a father figure so much as Peter needs Miles as a son figure.

Nat wants kids. She hates that the Red Room stole that from her. (in biological and emotional readiness terms)

Depending on where we are in Natashas timeline though (if you don’t like my AoU suggestion), she probably is not stepping into the nurturing role right off the bat.

She’s not living a life that accommodates settling down, or where people aren’t looking for the first vulnerability they can use to hurt her.

When she first meets Tony, she does not trust him. He’s simply a mission.

Then it becomes bigger, and she sees complexity in him and his willingness to sacrifice and put the common good first.

When you come into her life, you’ve lost a lot. You’ve seen how bad the world, and things beyond it, can be, and you may even want to dedicate your life to changing it, in a similar way to the Avengers. Maybe you completely disagree with their way about going about it.

Whatever your ambitions, you remind Nat of her younger self. She tries not to harp on the past, lest it drive her crazy, but she always wanted to change the world. Those dreams became a privilege over time though, and her main goal became survival.

She has seen darkness and death and evaded it all, but some seeps into her in the dark hours. Upon meeting you, she feels something inexplicable, and vows to keep you safe from becoming her.

She respects you. You’re young and strong and quick minded and not afraid to speak your mind on, well, anything. (The last one is a trait Tony and Pepper help to cultivate, by listening to all your ideas and opinions, no matter how wild.)

Initially when she’s around, and she’s just only met you, she simply observes. You’re curious about how things work, and Tony’s partner in crime. Pepper has her hands full, because you love Tony’s terrible jokes, the obnoxious schemes, and every eye roller idea...most of the time.

Tony and Pepper are the most stable family you’ve had in a while, and you tend not to like any plans involving Tony going out into the field.

Sometimes, you and Tony fight. It can be ugly. He loves you, and wants to protect both you and Pepper, and sometimes struggles to understand why people can’t see things the way he does.

It’s the night before a big mission.

You’re sitting in silence in the common room at an unreasonable hour. Nat only came down for an apple, and tells herself to keep walking—the elevator is right there!

But youre crying. Apples be damned. When she comes closer to investigate (with her unintentional spy stealth), or comfort or whatever the hell, she gets closer, closer—an arms length away...and you turn—before leaping from the couch in surprise and smacking into the smooth, hard floor.

After some panic and and an awkward apology, she finds an ice pack for your bruised hip and maybe it’s the pain, but you cry again. You can’t stand the thought of losing your family. Suddenly though, you feel selfish, as you’re sitting in front of a woman who’s lost more than imaginable.

She’s surprisingly gentle. Easy to open up to because it’s her job to be. But theres something else in her eye, like she’s truly invested and maybe even distressed at the sight of your distress.

When you’ve calmed down, she starts to walk you back to your room, hand on your shoulder, but on the way you decide you need to see Tony. You do love him, and he’s the one risking his life. How must he be feeling?

You take a step with that intention, before throwing your arms around Nat. It’s only after you’re squeezing that you remember the infinite ways she can kill. Pulling back shyly though, you’re surprised to see her eyes are.. soft.

You get the sense she truly didn’t mind your company at all, with or without the tears, and that she’s pleased to see you going to resolve the fight. A beat of silence, and you’re off to the lab.

After that day—a week later, actually—She’s back. She insists on training you just a little bit and showing you how to get out of basic holds.

Tony had put you in self defense training before, but it was always with a man, and it always felt off. You find it easier to train with someone who knows what’s at stake, and even better, who uses the brute force of her enemies against them.

Fighting Natashas way was fighting with your mind, even when you were using your fists.

She taught you how to analyze weakness and store it like data, but she nurtured your excitement when you were thrilled after mastering a new move.

She taught you all she knew of making weapons of the terrain, your body, and your skills, without making your mind a weapon that would turn on you.

She let you complain when things hurt, because they’re allowed to, and you’re not a machine.

You vented about being ordinary and being caught in a world where extraordinaries were the norm, making you the strange one.

She assured you, without saying these words, that your kindness and hope are the only things worth having, that everyone around you would kill for.

She watches movies with you and learns to braid your hair.

When you get your heart broken by a trainee who made you feel special, she pulls up his entry essay and you laugh at the desperation of his tone. She tells you one day he’ll feel that desperate again when he realizes he’s lost you.

She sings in Russian something that feels familiar, like maybe she’s supposed to sing it, when you can’t sleep.

There are some parts of her that she struggles to relax. She was not emotionally nurtured in a way that people need to be at a young age, and love does not fall at her feet or come naturally.

It is hard for her to believe that people with pure intentions exist, and are not dead or on their way there.

It is hard to let go and love in a world that consistently tells you it is weakness and tries to pull love away.

She rushes to find you after the snap. Finds you kneeling with bloodied knees and a tear streaked face where Pepper’s coffee mug shattered on the floor.

She sits outside your door while you cry, still reeling from the loss of her friends.

She holds you close and pushes you away while looking for the other Avengers.

She cries, but never near you, because sadness is weakness if it is hers.

She smiles and tells you it’s like a crazy dream. Laughs and says everyone will be back soon.

She shuts her door and lets in the dark after you’re tucked in. Thinks of the sky that swallowed Tony and the void where everyone else may or may not exist.

She stares at the ceiling all night. Then wakes to breakfast and stretches like she slept.

She learns to initiate hugs. She learns to tell you the truth.

She learns to mean things.

She allows herself the privilege of inside jokes.

She pulls from within herself where she thought there was no more and offers you hope when your parents and Peter are all gone. Says she’ll die before forgetting them.

She reconciles not being the most important person in your life anymore when Tony returns.

She holds you and the both of you cry, both with hope, and with fear, when she tells you they’re going to try to jump through time. She also says not to worry, be strong. She’ll be back in a minute.

She’s not.

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i love u pls validate me tags: @threeminutesoflife @avintagekiss24 @jtargaryen18 @sapphirescrolls

[kaisooficrec]

College AU Request

This is part two of this post. 

Last college au request was over a year ago and since this is a very popular au the list is insanely long! There are some fics older than the last req but that weren’t recommended yet so I included those too ^^ enjoy and don’t forget to leave kudos & comments to the authors ♡♡♡

La Taille Parfaite - (ongoing) soulmates au, kyungsoo dreams of his soulmate’s dick and can’t wait to meet him

Criminally Romantic - kyungsoo is an author and jongin is a huge fan

Yes, the Brisket is Braised - (ongoing) Kyungsoo works part-time in a restaurant in which he meets the campus’ most popular jock jongin and is an asshole to him

Our Season - (ongoing) wolf & abo, they’re in the same frat house and are attracted to each other, but there are other guys who want a piece of kyungsoo’s ass (read: junmyeon is a little piece of shit)

The Deflowering of Do Kyungsoo - (ongoing) kyungsoo is very insecure about himself but jongin loves him and wants to show him just how much 

Sucker + Supermassive Black Hole - last two parts of a series where the boys are in college, established relationship, they deal with the struggles of life and how to keep their love going

Flawless - (ongoing) kyungsoo likes to crossdress which make people judgmental about him. he thought jongin was like all those people who make fun of him but jongin genuinely likes him

this gap can’t keep us apart - (ongoing) kyungsoo is in college and takes the bus every morning where he meets businessman!jongin and they start talking and getting close. turns out jongin is sehun’s older brother who is kyungsoo’s friend and they meet at their house when jongin discovered his girlfriend cheated on him again

Prank Gone Wrong - kai is a known prankster, so his bf ksoo decides to prank him instead one day. it backfires in a way he didn’t expect

Coffee - jongin found out taemin cheated on him which led him to the cafe where kyungsoo works~

Wild Flowers Worth Knowing - (ongoing) ot12 vampire au, kyungsoo’s life has changed for good after discovering vamp!jongin’s secret

i just need the time and place to come through - after ksoo’s been dumped jongin wants to teach how to fuck around, until he realizes he doesn’t want anyone else to have kyungsoo but him

run batted in - sports au, they’re from different colleges and during a competition they meet and voilà it’s instant love

Draw Me Like One of Your French Girls - (ongoing) kyungsoo is in a studio art class and jongin is his nude model

lately all i want is you on top of me - *cries hearts* they both think they’re straight until jongin accidentally sends a pic of his ass to kyungsoo and it marks the beginning of their gayness

Campaigning For Your Heart - elections au, enemies to lovers, they both support different people and get into heated arguments, which is all just bottled up sexual tension really

there are no wrong mistakes - /heart attack/ kyungsoo is a homebody who’s quiet and thinks he is boring. his roommate’s best friend thinks otherwise. 

Pay Me Some Mind - (how was this not recced before? lol) fwb to lovers, kyungsoo doesnt know jongin’s had a crush on him for a while but that doesn’t stop him from catching feelings

Hurricanes - *my absolute fav* bad boy!jongin meets not-so-innocent!soo and they fuck, but kyungsoo thinks its a mistake and jongin is intrigued (liiiight angst)

You times infinite - they become study buddies and then kyungsoo is turned into a vampire and doesn’t know how to stay close to jongin without hurting him

A Certain Romance - sports au, they’re from different schools but during a competition, a certain captain catches ksoo’s attention and maybe he’s interested in football after all

Signal Lost (& Found) - /looooove this/ soulmates & coffee shop au, jongin gets tattoos of what his soulmate draws since he was a child and then one day it disappears, and he’s confused about what happened to his soulmate

Just Say You Want Me (That’s All It Takes) - god yes. established relationship and library fucking with top!soo and slut shaming. need i say more?

A Different Morning - (YEEEES) childhood bffs!kaisoo and vlogger!jongin, MUTUAL PINING but they’re both oblivious!!! 

Break a Leg - drama club au i liiiive for this! they had a one night stand and ksoo is kind of a bitter asshole who doesn’t want anything to do with super popular jongin after it

vertigo; crash - abo, omega!soo is accidentally put in the alpha dorms and jongin thinks he hates him

Clandestine Romance - arranged marriage but they love each other, ksoo is in his last year of college and his husband turns up to become his new dance teacher

Pumped Up Kinks - (ongoing) kyungsoo goes to a gay strip club for his 21st birthday and gets more than he bargained for

We Can Go Home - broken kaisoo, jongin has to ask his ex for help in maths, and then... KISS & MAKE UP

Mirrors - (ongoing) ksoo is a famous youtuber whose fans start a online fanwar with kim jongin’s fans. he decides to be mature about it and text jongin himself to apologize

So You Have a Crush (Here's How You Grapple with It) - sports au, jongin is a taekwondo player and has a crush on the judo captain ksoo, and tries to get him to teach him chokehold techniques. (smutttt)

Hair - (ongoing) kyungsoo found out he has stage 2 spinal cancer, so he decides that he wants to take some risks before he has to die, like have sex with a guy. and this is how he meets jongin

If Only I Knew - soulmates au, jongin wants to wait to find his soulmate to be in a relationship but when he meets kyungsoo he changes his mind (warning: character death)

Some Kind of Start - ksoo likes jongin and the latter knows but chooses to ignore it since he doesn’t like him back. sehun asks ksoo to fake date so he can make junmyeon jealous, but jongin is also a victim of jealousy

hold onto me tight and never let go - het!kaisoo with fem!soo, she has trouble letting go of her barriers and jongin really wants to get to know her more

P.S. You're Cute - (ongoing) jongin liked his senior’s profile on tinder and they matched

Cloud9 - transition from hs to college, jongin expressed his crush for ksoo although nothing happened, they meet again five years later in college

Perfection - vocal major!ksoo meets dance major!nini and decides he likes him and will take care of him

A Slice of Summer Love - jongin has a crush on the pizza delivery guy and orders too much pizza (very cute uwu)

I’m sorry I broke your hand, date me so I can make it up to you (kinda) - jongin tripped during a party and groped ksoo’s ass by accident, and ksoo’s reaction was to break his arm, but he took care of him as a form of apology

Aspartame (Just As Sweet) - jongin’s friend creates him an account on a sugar daddy website as a joke but he was curious and kept it and met kyungsoo

Kim Jongin's Must Kiss List - after an accident during a bake sale in high school, ksoo doesn’t stand jongin. in college nini puts up a “would kiss” list with ksoo’s name on it among others, and an angry ksoo retaliates by putting up a “would never kiss” list with only nini’s name on it, which is the start of everything

Love In Control - bdsm!au in which kyungsoo wanted a partner that would understand his needs and how to dominate him, and that person is kim jongin (warning: obviously bdsm and everything that comes with it. please read the tags carefully!)

No buts, just beauty - wolf au, kyungsoo is bullied and being told he’s ugly, jongin is making sure he feels beautiful

[Ain't] My Fault - top!soo greatness :-) they meet while jongin’s still with sehun but they break up soon after bc sehun cheated on him, and ksoo’s here to pick up the broken pieces

Treasure Trove - dragon au, ksoo is sick n jongin went to his room to give him candy and then they netflix and chill (literally)

Waiting for You to Make a Move - i’m fucking in love with this fic omg ;___; JONGIN IS A DRUM PLAYER and they were crushing on each other during the bus ride in the morning and then ksoo goes to chanyeol’s band’s gig and THERE HE IS JONGIN THAT SEXY MOTHERFUCKER. yes read it please (smut)

This is a start of something new.. - police officer!soo goes to check a college party that wasn’t reported and is stuck with a flirty jongin

Cafe Eau Laid - /sweats profusely/ wolf au and coffee shop au, jongin has a crush on a cute costumer that comes otfen but thinks the friend that comes along is his boyfriend when he’s really just an idiot. (public sex n size kink, you know its good)

My Universe - set in college au but it’s also mama au, jongin is having weird dreams that seem like memories of another life, and dreams of a certain guy that he seems close with.

Sweep You Off Your Feet (Or Mop Around) - kyungsoo works as a janitor at nini’s college to help support his family. they get to know each other and kyungsoo doesn’t tell him he’s not a student but after an incident, he’s fired from the job and has to forget about jongin as well

This is the college au tag for older requests ♡

- Admin Macaroon

[gaymafia]

I’m legitimately curious why people didn’t like the last Jedi? I saw it and thought it was okay? Is there something I missed or? Like it wasn’t great but it was passable?

ok so i wasnt gonna do this here bc nobody fucking asked but u asked so thank u but also strap in ur ready for a while ride

TLJ spoilers, obviously. also my issues are going to be numbered in no particular order bc my thoughts on this movie are so fucking scrambled but here we go

1. Kyle Ron. First of all fuck Ryeanne for making me see so many goddamn closeups of Adam Driver’s ugly ass face. I did not need to see all that he is so goddamn ugly especially that fucking shirtless scene where he looks like a block of pasty ass pale wood.

But for real, Kylo Ren. I don’t actually take issue with his existence, because Kyle really does excellently represent rich ass white boys who have everything handed to them but throw a hissy fit when they face the slightest adversity an throw tantrums all the time. It’s nice to see a villain that represents most people real-life nightmares instead of like, a Sexy Temptress or Old Evil Man or whatever. That being said, kyle is not given the villain’s treatment in this movie. if you cut out all the scenes where ryan is not actively sucking adam driver’s dick and jizzing all over himself over kyle’s angsty white boy angst, the movie has virtually no real plot (”oh no we are in space with no fuel, nobody is going to do anything except get mad at each other, miscommunicate, and deliberately make all the characters of color worthless while separating Finn and Poe bc fuck the gays”). So much of the movie is spent not just establishing how kyle became kyle (which is good! backstory for villains is good!), but trying to get us to like, sympathize with him? which is the shitty part. I dont care that Luke “”””tried to kill”’’’ (he didn’t) kyle. kyle had turned to the dark side before luke’s mistake. kyle had a million and one chances to change his mind from the start of TFA to the end of TLJ, and he never did. Kyle is an evil guy. We need one of those. He’s a great evil guy bc he’s got so many shitty qualities. But ryin doesnt want us to hate kyle, even tho hes the villain. why the fuck doesnt reean want us to hate kyle? bc rayan is also a shitty little man who thinks giving ur white boy a sob story makes him a sympathetic villain and sidelining ur characters of color will help.

also again the fucking shirtless scene what the shit man that was so gross

2. Will be broken down into A, B, C, etc. bc TLJ treats its characters of color like SHIT. 

2A. Finn. Finn gets put in a coma bc why would anyone want to write anything interesting for john boyega its not like hes the MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN and the MOST TALENTED ACTOR who is being sidelined bc ryun hates black people. Yeah Finn is totally into Rey and he wants to save her and is willing to desert the rebellion for her. that happened in the first movie but why give your characters real arcs when you can recycle old ones to jerk off to kyle ron. the rose thing happens, shes like “we can disable the tracking” and like TWO SECONDS after he was dead set on desertion he’s totally down to risk his life for the rebellion at rey’s expense? that sure is a quick 180 with no real reason why and no writing to explain it! then there was the whole “separate finn and poe” thing ryain pulled for the shits and giggles.

2B. Rose. I was pretty chill with Rose, she had a dope backstory, her sister was badass, and I liked that they made that connection off the bat. I’m not mad about anything rayn did with her character but i genuinely believe thats only because i havent thought about it enough yet. give me a week and i’ll figure out how rain fucked it up. open to suggestions.

2C. Poe. Full offense but was I supposed to be mad at Poe for coming up with a plan when that bitch Holdo was like “I’m not gonna tell you my plan sit tight and be convinced we are all going to die :)” i legitimately did not understand how I was supposed to be mad at poe for doing what he thought was best for the rebellion after he asked holdo what the plan was and she was deliberately obstinate and refused to even be like “dont worry i have a plan” she was just like. so dumb. Also poe got thrown around a lot and i am A Little Suspicious of how much physical violence he experienced compared to many other characters.

2D. You guessed what was next! The slaps! Super awesome how the two men of color were slapped by white people!!!! So deep!!!!!!! For real tho uh the second time i saw this movie someone in the audience laughed when poe got slapped by space hitler hux and uh??? not funny. not funny or cute or clever to use the guy you built your entire nazi imagery on to slap the one black man on your cast. i dont care if it was supposed to make us “hate hux” or whatever more. i already hated hux reyn. you could have used that screentime in your 3 fucking hour long movie for something valuable, like giving finn a character arc, or literally anything else besides that goddamn slap. i was livid watching that.

and then with leia and poe? i get that part of the conflict was internal in the resistance and one of the major themes was how failure is the best teacher and all that but like? maybe stop physically assaulting all your characters of color? maybe uhhhh at least think about that first??

2E. like i mentioned before one of the obvious themes was how failure is the best teacher so naturally all the major characters had to fail at something, and then learn from their mistake to be better next time. with luke it was fucking up with kyle, with rey it was being naive enough to think kyle could turn, with poe it was the dreadnaught thing, finn was left out of this because raan dooesn give a shit abt finn bc hes a racist bastard, etc. but it was incredibly transparent how all of the white characters’ mistakes meant either personal losses or something small scale with one person, while the mistakes of the characters of color (poe/finn/rose) were all ones that cost the rebellion the vast majority of their forces. rey got out of her fight with kyle and snoke unscathed. luke got a lot of guilt and character development. What did finn poe and rose get? the deaths of like 99% of the resistance on their shoulders. A little too coincidental that even though rey LITERALLY GAVE HERSELF OVER TO SNOKE she was totally fine a-ok no real scars, finn and poe and rose doing their best to save the rebellion while admiral holdo refuses to tell them anything costs the resistance so fucking much. rey does the DUMBEST FUCKING THING with no real consequences and finn and poe and rose try their best and are punished severely for it.

2F. Really convenient how everything finn, poe, and rose did ended up being useless and just cost the rebellion lives, whereas at least rey’s mishap got snoke killed and taught her a lesson. reeeeaaaalllllyyyyyy convenient how finn, poe, and rose’s plan was a huge waste of time. it would have been much better for us to see an actual plot line with them that contributed to the story and their characterizations instead of “send them on a goose chase, make it pointless in the end, physically brutalize them along the way.

3. R*yl* bullSHIT: ryyn had a really fun time with a lot of very rape-y scenes in this movie. the whole force-connection thing with kyle and rey was soooooo uncalled for, it reeked of non-con fantasies, catered to the r*yl*s like nothing ever before, and was so goddamn gross. the obvious invasion of privacy and lack of consent was nasty, using it as a shitty device to make rey “come around” on kyle was NASTY and that whole thing was nasty. i know im not articulating this well but there was so much about that whole thing that bothered me. i just know reyhan was so fucking into it, inserting kyle into rey’s life, forcing her to completely drop all of her characterization in the first movie to suddenly thing kyle can be good, acting as if rey hasnt seen all the shit and known what hes done. the whole thing was gross and a really obvious example of why men shouldn’t be allowed to direct movies.

4. killing snoke was a dumbass fucking mistake. kyle is a tantrum-throwing temper-losing toddler. snoke was evil and mysterious and shit idk. we knew he was powerful as fuck, he looked like a testicle which is a great villain imo, he was the darth sidious and they killed him off while kyle is still in like. ep2!Anakin levels of angst. i get that kyle is already powerful or whatever but like. hes not cold and calculated the way snoke was. kyle is a good villain, but a weak main baddie bc hes dumb as fuck. he let the rebellion get away bc he was pissed at luke. that was dumb as fuck. kyle is ruined by his emotions, and snoke was a scarier main baddie bc he wasnt so fucking dumb lol

5. it was so fucking long. there were so many scenes that could have been cut or shortened. why did we need to see luke milking the tiddy of that weird alien cow thing. why did we need to see kyle ron shirtless. why did we need so many goddamn shots of the fucking porgs.

6. ya the porgs are cute or whatever but like. that whole “look at how sad the cute big-eyes porg is when chewie is eating his friend” thing was so dumb. i dunno why but i hated that the most. that was the worst thing the porgs did. they were cute but like chill disney u know they like ran algorithm after algorithm to make that porg the cutest it could be with science or some bullshit and like? thats dumb.

7. i get that the humor in star wars movies is shifting but i felt like there was too much of it and it was dumb. a lot of the riffs werent funny and there were too many of them for a star wars film. star wars usually doesnt take itself too seriously, but this one was a little too much for me.

8. there were too many plot twists for shock value. the story went on too long. it should have ended earlier but it didnt. i dont know why ryenn decided to have like 6 different climaxes but it was too much. should have let there be one climax buddy. thats it.

9. holdo. besides holdo being the white feminist icon why didnt she just fucking tell poe the plan. why. why was so deliberately obstinate when it was doing no good. like yeah of course poe sent out a crew to try to save the rebellion all u told him to shut up and let you handle it! obvously what she did in the end was badass or whatever but like uh hun next time dont be a piece of shit and then get mad when people react to you being a piece of shit. i would have been okay with all that happening if holdo wasnt treated like some hero who never made any mistakes. she did make a mistake, and that was refusing to tell poe what her plan was when she knew he was absolutely the type to do whatever he could to save the rebellion whether he had her permission or not. also apparently holdo is a lesbian or bi or not straight or something in like the comics or whatever and like 1. classic bury ur gays but also 2. no more word of god gay characters if a character is not gay in the movies i will not give you the gay cred for it sorry homophobes

10. i didnt buy the story w luke and kyle at lukes jedi training facility or whatever. surprisingly, i was ok with lukes story line and character development, and actually agreed with it for the most part, but i just like. i dunno i didnt feel like that was something luke would do. not because luke is infallible (even tho he is my gay dad who has never done anything wrong ever) but because the entire original trilogy is luke believing darth vader could be saved. and while im not opposed to luke changing his mind about whether or not everyone could be turned away from the dark side (luke was young and optimistic in the original trilogy, and as he grew older he would learn more about the jedi and their history like the whole speech he gave rey about how the jedi have to end bc theyre lowkey shitty). i actually kind of liked luke’s hot take on the jedi, because it was lowkey my hot take on the jedi (esp the prequels jedi who were shitty as Fuuuuuck but we are ignoring the prequels for now lbr) but also because i could believe it was a view luke would come to as he aged. but impulsively drawing his lightsaber to kill kyle before he had actually done anything bad, after suspecting that kyle had darkness in him for a while, even though he felt like he had failed? it just didnt feel like luke to me. i felt more like raeyn had chosen that particular backstory to try to make kyle a more sympathetic villain rather than give a believable and in-character back story for the characters. i understand that luke’s failure ultimately has to lead to the creation of kyle ron in this story line, but that didnt feel like the right failure to me. maybe this is just me being nitpicky but that felt off to me too and i dont know if i can quite pinpoint why.

11. rey was a dumbass fucking bitch in this movie. rey could not be a dumbass fucking bitch to survive as a scavenger who was orphaned at birth on jakku. rey would have had to be smart and not as fucking DUMB as she was in this movie. now im getting heated so i cant articulate this well but she just did so many dumb things that anybody who had to raise themselves would have never done. she would never have delivered herself over to kyle ron like what a dumb fucking idea. who wrote this goddamn movie. fuck u ryeen.

12. why did yoda come back as a force ghost. where is anakins force ghost. he would be so fucking pissed at kyle right now. he would be mad as hell. he would have ended this thing. he would have called kyle out like the shitdickbitch he is and put him in his place. i get that yoda is more like ancient and orginal star wars jedi knowledge shit or whatever and like more of an authority on the jedi but like anakin is off in like force ghost hawaii drinking force ghost martinis while his shitty fucking grandson is being a piece of shit?? nah man anakin would have shut that shit down they better bring him back for ep IX and i expect hayden christensen himself to show up to bitch at kyle about what a fucking dumbass he is.

tbh theres probably more like i know there’s a ton of little things i hated but as scathing as this review is there were things i liked. visually speaking it was a very beautiful movie when we werent getting atrocious close ups of adam drivers ugly ass face. i originally hated but have come to appreciate the darker tone, since it mirrors the mood of TESB in that the rebellion seems dead but obviously isnt bc this is star wars. i liked luke. i dunno. i had a lot of issues with the movie obviously. to be quite honest i cant actually think of anything else i liked atm which is telling.

anyway if anybody actually reads this long ass fucking post feel free to respond with what you hated abt TLJ