#to think i promised my cousin I'd go to the fair with her since i didn't go to the rodeo. i take it back

[xeneric-shrooms]

I've been fucking kidnapped. They're taking my ass to the rodeo, I did not want to go to the fucking rodeo

[lilac-den]

"Rumours has it Countess Sylphina recently brought in someone... "

"Do you mean her cousin? The young lady?"

"I heard the poor one lost her parents? But if I'm not wrong, it is said she's about to be sold when the fire broke out..."

"A curse! She must be a curse! The Countess mustn't took her in!"

"I heard she has a rather monstrous scar on her face..."

"No bachelor would want her... Y-Your Grace!"

The faint whispering and barbarous critics of the gathered fair ladies and gentlemen halt a second the moment he walks in.

Striking blue eyes clear as ice, snow-white hair perfectly groomed, one could never dare to ignore the presence of Maverick Whisht as his entirety demands attention.

Eyes follow him everywhere, yet none seems to dare enough to approach him.

It's a good thing. Lieutenant Welt can't help but thinks so as he follows His Grace. The last thing he needs is for Lord Whisht to leave early again.

However, he must admit, he can't ignore the newest information flows across the winds to his ears, and he's certain that His Grace must be interested as well. If not totally but out of necessary, after all, it's Countess Sylphina.

"Lord Whisht," Five steps apart, yet all needs is a simple glance. "A friend of mine requires my help, and it would be a disgrace if I can't attend to him."

His Grace never spares a word, but he knew he's allowed.

And so, Lieutenant Welt heads off to capture a glimpse of the lady in rumours.

He would dare says the encounter with Lady {Name} one of the most pleasant one he has among his time of careers. Although she is a bit shy and detached from the beginning (he can't help but pity her, it is clear the poor one is still shaken by the loss of her parents), she sooner and later has been genuine with him, even promised to go on a friendship date if the Countess allows.

Lieutenant Welt's never been more satisfied, his smile is so bright that he didn't notice till a cough.

"A-hem." A brief one. Just like His Grace.

Of course is His Grace.

"The lady moved into Countess Sylphina's old manor seven months ago soon after the lady's parents are gone. She's been with the Countless since, and only a few servants are allowed to be close to her."

"It seems that the rumours appear to be true. I'm afraid I'd offended her, yet the Lady was kind enough to let it go. And she admitted that she hasn't had a closed relationship with her parents, so she isn't too upset when they're gone."

He keeps silent for a moment. Waiting for His Grace to comment anything.

"How ironic." A faint smirk draws upon the icy structure of the bones.

If there's anyone in this carriage now...

"...Apart from that, the Lady is unlike any of the rumours has spread. In fact, I dare say she would be the Diamond of the Season in no time."

"Hmm." A indifferent tone. That's alright. He's used to it.

Lieutenant Welt ignores the scoff, begins to describe {Name}'s features just so he could form a visualization for His Grace.

"Her Grace's name is {Name}{Last Name}"

"The Lady has {Hair's Color} hair, half-up and half-down, which brings out her {Eye's Color} eyes. They wore a turquoise gown today, and it suits her very much, perfectly compliments her {Skin Color} skin."

What did he forget anyway? Ah...

And it took all his might to escape the sudden but not suffocating tightness around his collar.

Oh well. Screws his friendship date too.

Her Grace's name is {Name}{Last Name}.

{Name}{Last Name}.

{Name}.

Maverick knew the moment as he listened to the way how Lieutenant Welt described you, it could only been you. Yet years and years of waiting brings his again and again hopes fall in pieces as he can't find you — as the other can't find you too.

So when a figure with nearly all your features was described to him, he couldn't pay any of interest.

Because it isn't you. If it isn't you, what's the matter for him to listen.

But the moment your name came out, he froze. Couldn't believe what he had heard.

His subordinate is kind enough to forgive his sudden rudeness. Kind enough to repeat the name he yearns for years. Kind enough to go through everything again.

How he regretted he hasn't been listening.

How he regretted he didn't search for you enough. You're there, at the ball.

He could've reach out for you if he'd tried.

And Oh, how he wants to scattet those ignorant rumours from those who dared to frame you with such meaningless harmness.

But now. He's more worried about another thing.

...Do you even remember him?

He let out a few chuckles as he thinks. The rumours aren't wrong. There is indeed a lady that captures his heart.

It is you.

And he has never been more afraid now.

What, what if you wouldn't meet him? What if the Countess misunderstood his affection as a load of lies! What if she thinks that he's trying to seduce you, her dear cousin, just to have a — No. He wouldn't even dare to do so.

It's alright. He calms his beating heart. The Countess has approved to forward the monthly business talk earlier.

All he needs is a chance to reach out. To you.

To confirm. To see. To be with you.

And he would do anything if it pleases you.

(So... This is a snippet from what I think after the ask of if Maverick ever found out MC has reincarnated into the current world as well. I tried to capture all the characters, hope I did justice...)

(And I sincerely wish you like it🙏🙏)

(I hope you don't mind me continuing it 👀 Aside from minor details, your snippet is a pleasant read, 'anon'!)

He thought he would see you with the Countess.

He thought, standing out at the balcony where the moon is high and the view of the kingdom is breathtaking, that he will see you next in the Countess's manor or his.

Instead, you enter the balcony with light steps, so familiar that they whip him to the source. It's almost a dream.

You're there, surprise all over your face. "Oh." You said with shock. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize someone would be here, My Lord."

Maverick's heart trembles. If you had remember him, you wouldn't have apologize. You wouldn't be saying My Lord. Knowing you, you would ask in that soft voice. Knowing you, you would be looking at him with recognition rather than politeness.

He can still remember you calling his name. Maverick.

He cools himself and tries to suppress the urge to wrap you in his arms as he straightens his back. "No, please," he extends an arm to the space next to him, "you are welcome here, Lady [Last Name]"

You blink and step further into the balcony, shutting the large door behind you. "You know of me, sir?"

He takes a little while to answer you, only because watching you walk closer in the turquoise dress gown that fits you majestically is akin to seeing an angel descending from heaven to grace him in holy light. "I know of your cousin." He nods towards the door behind you. "Countess Val'Hai."

"Oh! You must be Lord Whisht!" Maverick has to bite back a comment, hating such a distance between the two of you. You even perform a curtsy, your head bowing. "Pleased to make your-"

"Stop."

You lift your head and surprise comes out of your mouth. "P-Pardon?"

Maverick moves both of his hands behind the curve of his back, one of his hands clenching into a fist to suppress the desire in throwing every formal training he has taken for the sake of asking the many questions he has planned to ask. "I mean," he clears his throat, "there is no need for you to be so formal with me." He keeps his eyes on you. "I had enough of those from the ballroom."

"O-Oh." You blink again. Then you're moving to the railing until you can settle your gloves arms upon it. "I see."

He can see how he threw off your rhythm. He can understand that you must have expected a nobleman who would needle every posture and mannerism you make until you're in tears.

The rumours still irritate him.

"If possible," he starts, attracting your attention and your eyes stare with full attention, "I would prefer if you behave casually with me."

He had planned to say all this during the brunch meeting next week, but it seems like fate is rooting for you both to encounter one another tonight, under the moonlit skies and twinkling stars.

Of course, the polite you says otherwise. "Forgive me, Lord Whisht, but I simply can't."

Maverick isn't deterred as he asks. "Why ever not?"

You look fairly hesitant before asking. "Permission to speak freely, My Lord?"

"You may."

"I have learned that nobles scrutinize the status of others far more than animals judge the strength of their pack leaders and opponents."

The sound of you criticizing the snobbish nature of nobles brings elicits a softness in his tone.

"You are truly amusing, [Name]."

You wince, which makes his brows furrow. "Is that because of my..." You don't finish the sentence but Maverick knows how to fill it.

He wouldn't have the right to love you if he didn't.

"It has nothing to do with your background." He says firmly. He turns to you fully, a hand on the railing. "I find you amusing because you have a faster understanding of how the court life works than the pompous lot in there."

He nods to the door while you sprout a concerned frown. "I doubt any of the lords and ladies would appreciate your words."

"If you believe my words are atrocious, I'd shudder to think how you would feel with Lady Ittania. She would bluntly describe them as 'a lousy group of turkeys posing as peacocks'."

"I wouldn't say so. Turkeys provide bountiful meat in a meal."

"Not these ones." Maverick scoffs. "They would taste awful with all the cosmetics they doused themselves with."

You end up laughing. The sound is like music to his ears, a song that he once thought he would never hear again.

"You're far from what I expected, Lord-"

"Maverick." He interrupts you. "Call me Maverick."

"Maverick." His heart stutters at the soft call, nearly taking his breath away. Then you smile. "Then what about Rick as a nickname?"

That's when his breath leaves him and everything inside him sings and aches at the same time.

It's you.

It's truly you.

There's no denying it now. The name had been the biggest clue, but he didn't want to hope without having met you properly. Yet, here you both are, conversating with a familiarity Maverick dearly missed.

A genuine smile brights his once icy expression, his blue eyes gleaming under the lunar glow with as much shine as the glittering stars.

"I don't mind." He breathlessly says, "I don't mind at all."

Hope I did MC proud 👀

[criticallyacclaimedstranger]

Fic: The Question

Read on Ao3

Fandom: Triple Frontier

Ship: Frankie Morales x Jay ‘Lady’ Ray (OFC) **Series masterlist**

Warnings: Cavity-inducing fluff. Babies.

Words: 1,584

Summary: Benny comes to visit Jay and Frankie for the first time since they had baby Alma. Jay and Frankie have a question for him.

Taglist: @amneris21 @apascalrascal @harriedandharassed @kikis-writing-world @lovesbiggerthanpride @miraclesabound @mswarriorbabe80 @pazizz @paulalikestuff @rambling-in-purple @trinkets01

About to call Frankie's name, Jay enters the living-room and stops still when presented with the adorable scene in front of her: Frankie, stretched out on his back on the couch with little baby Alma nestled against his chest. They're both asleep, Alma wrapped in the little baby blanket Jay's mom knitted for her, Frankie with one arm behind his head, the other around his daughter. He has been a dedicated father from day one, just like Jay knew he would be, but it still fills her with so much love and gratitude to see how devoted he really is.

"Frankie," she whispers, gently nudging his shoulder. He blinks his eyes open almost immediately, mumbling a Huh? as he focuses his gaze on her.

"Sorry to wake you," she smiles fondly, "but Benny will be here any minute."

"Right," Frankie yawns, carefully lowering the hand he had behind his head to rub his eyes.

“I can call him and cancel, if you’re tired?”

“No, I’m good,” he smiles up at her. “Got a nice powernap.”

He finds Jay’s fingers on his shoulder and gently pulls her hand to his lips for a kiss, just as there's a knock on the door. "Speak of the devil..."

"And he’ll appear, or at least his distant cousin,” Jay grins before she goes to open.

Benny is beaming at her on the other side of the door, his trademark baseball cap as backwards as ever.

“Hey there, momma Ray…”

“Shut the fuck up,” Jay scoffs but accepts the bear hug he gives her. She invites him in and shakes her head when he presents her with a huge gift bag.

“You shouldn’t have.”

“Half of that stuff is from the guys, really,” he shrugs, "don't shoot the messenger."

"Might punch him in the face, though."

"Already swinging?" he teases her. "You look a little worse for wear."

"Wow, thanks," Jay rolls her eyes. "That's what every new mother wants to hear."

"Sorry," Benny grins, turning on all of his boyish charm. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good, actually, thanks for asking. Come on in, Frankie is with Alma in the living-room."

They go on through, Jay ushering Benny in front of her, and are met by Frankie, now sitting up on the couch, Alma still asleep on his arm.

"Hey, man."

"Yo..." Eyes trained on the little bundle in Frankie's arms, Benny takes a seat in one of the armchairs. "So that's the little dickens, huh?"

"This is Alma," Frankie acknowledges, beaming like an idiot at the baby before looking up when Jay takes a seat next to him. "Holy shit, is all that for the kid?"

"Yup," Jay nods, putting the bag down. "It's not fair. She keeps getting presents, but I'm the one who pushed her out. Where are my gifts?"

"I'd think the baby is the present," Benny guesses, ignoring the murderous glance Jay shoots at him. "Come on now, open them. I wanna know what I have to take back to the shops. According to the very cute sales rep in the baby supply store -" Jay gives him a look that lets him know that she knows exactly how that transaction went "- parents today are really fucking picky."

"We'll make sure to diss at least one item so that you'll have an excuse to go back", Jay promises as she opens the bag and reaches in for the first present, which turns out to be a soft, gray koala lovey with paws that can be velcroed together in a hug.

"Adorable," Frankie approves, "she doesn't have anything to snuggle yet."

"Except you," Jay points out with a warm smile. "Thank you, Benny."

"That was from the gang," he points out, a little jittery now. "But I did the picking out."

"Credit where credit's due," Frankie chuckles as Jay opens the next present, which is a tiny little baseball cap with the word "asskicker" stitched to the front.

"Figured she needs her own so she doesn't immediately steal Fish's, like you do," Benny explains with a wink at Jay, who measure the hat above the sleeping baby's head.

"It's a little big yet but she'll grow into it. She already gained seven ounces since we came home from the hospital."

"Is that a lot?"

"That is a lot," Frankie confirms. "She's outgrown the onesie she wore when coming home."

"Holy shit."

Jay opens the last present, revealing a crib mobile with different hanging little charms: a sun, a moon, a cloud, a helicopter, boxing gloves, and a bluejay. Despite all the items being of the same size and similar colors and materials, it's clear that the mobile wasn't bought like this, but custom made. Jay and Frankie both look at it before turning to stare at Benny, whose eyes narrow suspiciously.

"You guys don't like it, do you?"

"You're such a softie, Benjamin Miller," Jay smiles, putting the mobile back in its box.

"Only when it comes to pretty girls," he jokes, nodding at Alma.

"We love it, man," Frankie assures him. "Thank you."

"How did you even find something like this?"

"I made it," he shrugs. "Collected the pieces over a couple of months, bought a mobile, replaces the charms I didn't want. It's not that hard."

"We appreciate it. Alma will love it."

Jay collects the wrapping paper and puts it to the side, and Frankie looks down at the little bundle again, and rises from the couch.

"She's waking up. You wanna hold her?"

"Nah, man... I'd only drop her or break her neck..."

"You'll be fine," Jay dismisses his weak protest, and Frankie leans over to carefully place the baby in Benny's arms.

"You got the head?"

"I got her, bro."

Frankie retires back to the couch, next to Jay, and they watch Benny lose himself in Alma's little face as she gradually wakes up, her pink rosebud mouth opening for a tiny yawn, her dark eyes slowly taking in the features of the unfamiliar man.

"Hey there, Alma," he murmurs, his voice unusally thick. "I'm your uncle Benny. We met before, when you were in your mommy's tummy, but this is the first time we're meeting for real, and it's really good to finally see you."

Jay leans her chin on Frankie's shoulder. Benny is an important, close friend of both of them and to see him with their darling child like this is heartwarming. She catches Frankie's happy smile and nudges him gently. He glances at her before clearing his throat.

"Hey, Benny, we wanna ask you something."

"Yeah?" Benny's only got eyes for the baby.

"If you want to, we'd love for you to be her godfather."

Benny looks up, mouth open as he regards first Frankie, then Jay.

"I thought you weren't doing that?"

"Turns out this one's got family traditions," Jay sighs, patting Frankie's back. She never intended to have her child baptized, never even thought about it until Alma was born and Frankie asked if they should schedule a priest after a month or so. It had been quite a discussion but Frankie was adamant: his family was Catholic and even if they were not devout, traditions were important for the Morales family. There would be a christening, and godparents had to be chosen. Jay finally capitulated, but with the compromise that there would be no godmother, only Benny as a godfather.

Benny regards his friends, then looks down at Alma, whose face breaks out in a sunny smile. He looks up again.

"You bet your asses I'll be her godfather.”

Frankie laughs and Jay gets up from the couch.

“That settles that, then. Coffee?”

“If Fish makes it,” Benny grimaces. “Can’t drink the motor oil you force out of that poor machine.”

“Morales,” Jay nods to Frankie, “you heard the man.”

Good-natured as always, Frankie gets up and goes to the kitchen, and Jay sits down again, this time closer to the armchair with Benny in it.

“She’s really cute,” Benny praises, smiling down at Alma. “And so tiny, I can’t believe it.”

“Yeah, she’s quite something,” Jay concedes. “And she likes you.”

“She’s two weeks old, she doesn’t know what she likes yet.”

“No, but I know, because I can read her,” Jay insists. “She knows your voice.”

“Huh. Imagine that.”

They share a few moments of not speaking, just looking at the little baby, Benny making soft cooing noises at her.

“Benny,” Jay eventually says.

“Yeah?”

“I’m really glad you wanna be her godfather. You’re gonna make a great one.” She gives him a lopsided grin. “We’re going to dump her on you as soon as we can.”

“Can’t wait,” Benny promises. “I’ll look after her whenever you need to, Jay, you know that. She’s awesome.”

“Just wait until she’s screaming about something,” Frankie interjects as he comes back to the living-room. “She’s got quite a set of lungs on her.”

“Like momma, huh?” Benny tickles the baby’s chin. “Just like momma, right?”

“Careful, Miller.”

“Gonna take you with me to the gym as soon as you can throw a punch.”

“I was afraid of that,” Frankie sighs, crossing his arms in front of his chest, glowering at Jay and Benny. “You two are going to turn my daughter into a brawler.”

“With any luck, yeah,” Jay laughs, just as Alma begins to whine. “Okay, time to whip ‘em out.”

“Okay, thanks, I’ll have that coffee now.” Benny hurriedly hands Alma over to Jay before following Frankie to the kitchen.

[harmonizingsunsets]

I'd Rather Go Blind & Let My Body Go Numb Than To Lose You Or The Weight Of Your Love

Prompt: Jealousy and all its cousins. Fanart Credit here.

Read on Archive here.

Anthony never thought he'd be the kind of husband who needs to know where his wife is at every moment of every day.

(To be fair, he never thought about being a husband much at all until the season he'd pursued Edwina only to fall maddeningly in love with Kate).

But here he is, sitting on the couch with his feet drumming loudly against the floor, staring intensely at the door.

On the table beside the couch sits a cup of tea, cold and untouched. Anthony had someone from the kitchens prepare it for him, but his nerves made him unable to stomach anything.

Anthony looks a mess. He'd been raking his hands through his hair for the past two hours. He'd also slapped his cheeks once or twice to stay awake.

His jacket lay discarded and wrinkled on the ground near the door. He feels guilty, knowing one of the maids would have to press it. However, he can't gather the desire to move from the couch and retrieve it. 

Instead, he's glued to the couch as he considers where Kate is. A hundred different scenarios run through his mind—each scenario worse than the last.

For the past month, Kate has been disappearing at night. He hears her footsteps tiptoeing past his study when he stays up to work. He feels the weight from her side of the bed lessen as she stands and departs from their bedroom when she thinks he's fallen asleep.

At first, Anthony questioned her about it. Kate would always make up an excuse about needing fresh air or going to see Edwina. But he knows her well enough to know when she's lying.

However, Anthony hadn't ever called Kate out on her deceit. He feared the truth, especially how it might crush him to hear it.

But he couldn't take the not knowing anymore. So when he heard the door close after Kate told him five minutes prior that she was retiring to bed, he made his way towards the front of the house. Anthony watched at the window as a carriage rode away. A hole had formed in his stomach, making him feel hollow. He then sat down on the couch so he could catch her when she returned.

Finally, after what felt like ages passed, he hears footsteps approaching the door. He quickly jumps up from the couch and makes his way to the foyer. When Kate steps through the door, her eyes widen.

"Anthony!" she exclaims in surprise, putting a hand to her chest to steady her breath. "You're up late."

"So are you," Anthony says, crossing his arms and blocking her way.

"I was only walking around to get some fresh air."

Anthony raises a brow. "Really, for two hours?"

Her eyes shift anxiously from his stare. "Has it really been that long?"

"Yes," he answers through gritted teeth, anger rising within him.

"Oh well, it was such a lovely night the time got away from me." Kate stands on her toes, kissing him quickly on the cheek. "Sorry for worrying you."

As she tries to retreat, Anthony's hand lurches out to grab her elbow, pulling her back to face him.

"I've had enough, Kate," he sighs tiredly. "Where were you?"

"I just told you, I was—."

"You've been going out for fresh air at odd hours of the day for the past month. You'd think you'd have your fill by now."

Kate fidgets. "Well, it hasn't just been out to get fresh air. I've been attending engagements. I have a life outside you and this household, you know."

"Oh, I know that, but your engagements don't usually take place after dark and don't require you sneaking out of the house to attend."

"Darling, everything is fine," Kate says, pulling her arm out of his reach and giving him a nervous smile. "You've probably been working too hard. Let's go to bed."

As she tries to walk away again, Anthony pulls her back. But this time, he holds onto both of her arms, forcing her to meet his eye.

"Kate, I know you—perhaps more than you know yourself, and I know when you're lying to me," he says, his voice turning softer—more fragile. It's as if he's a vase that could shatter at any moment. "What I don't know is why."

"I promise that what I have been going out and doing is not anything scandalous or dangerous." After letting out a long breath, a laugh bubbles from her throat in amusement. "Honestly, where I've been going to is nothing to fret over. You're acting as if I'm having an affair or something."

Anthony's heart sinks in his chest. No matter how ridiculous the prospect sounds, he can't help but whisper the question that's been plaguing his mind these past few weeks.

"Are you?"

Kate's mouth falls open, her face paling. "Anthony, how could you think that?"

"It's the only explanation I can think of," he says, stepping away from her and beginning to pace. "It explains why you've been coming back so late and being so evasive these past few weeks."

"Anthony—."

His legs go weak at the affection in her voice. Anthony falls to his knees in front of her and takes hold of her hands.

"Just tell me, Kate, I cannot bear it," Anthony says, hating the way his voice wavers. "I cannot bear the thought of you finding pleasure in someone else's arms. I cannot bear you leaving our bed because you'd rather be in another's. I cannot bear the idea of someone else touching you, loving you, or kissing you."

He brushes his lips against Kate's knuckles, causing her breath to hitch. Anthony pulls his lips away, but just so his fingertips can swirl circles on her palm. When his thumb skims over her pulse, he feels her heartbeat quicken.

"Most of all, I cannot bear the thought of you loving someone else." Anthony swallows thickly, feeling a lump forming in his throat. "I'd die right now if you told me all of this was true."

Anthony has always feared time. He used to compulsively reach into his pocket to grasp his father's watch. Each time a hand on the clock ticked forward, he felt as if an ounce of his soul got sucked away.

But since Kate came into his life, that fear has dissipated. Suddenly, he didn't spend each moment of his life calculating how much time he had left. Instead, Anthony began counting things other than seconds.

He counts the number of Kate's smiles. He counts the number of laughs they share next to one another at the table surrounded by his family. Anthony counts the number of kisses that were slow, stirring an aching feeling in his chest. He also counts each hungry and passionate kiss that sets every inch of his skin aflame.

Most of all, Anthony counts how many times he's lost count around her. He gets lost in the timeless and wonderful enigma that is Kate Sharma.

Anthony feels that fear of time creeping up on him again. But now, he's not afraid of time passing and leading to his demise. Instead, he's terrified that Kate's time of loving him has run out. Maybe, she's found a more deserving man to spend the minutes with than him.

When Anthony braves a glance up at Kate, he expects to see pity. But instead, he's surprised to see an entirely different emotion reflected in her eyes.

Love.

Pure, unconditional, steadfast love.

Kate gets down to her knees in front of him. But she doesn't let go of his hands, holding them tighter.

"None of that is true, Anthony," she says firmly. "I love you, have only loved you, and will only love you."

Her words release a breath of relief from him. But, he still can't help doubting this, not knowing how else to explain her odd disappearances.

Kate must sense his train of thoughts. She smiles gently, moving one of her hands up to graze his cheek.

"I love you so much that I've been waking up in the middle of the night so I can give you the perfect present."

Anthony blinks in confusion, feeling the room that had been spinning become still.

"What?"

Kate laughs, and she rests her forehead against his. "Do you know what tomorrow is?"

It hits Anthony like a whip. All the clues that he'd gathered up to form a horrible conclusion were, in fact, clues that lead to a more justifiable and pleasant one.

"Our anniversary," he answers dumbly.

"Yes," she nods, her face beaming with a giddy kind of delight. Anthony feels lucky that he gets to see it. Her expressions are free without restraint only when she's comfortable with someone. He's glad to be one of those treasured few. "We've made it a year, can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday, I was stepping on your toes at a ball, and you acted like a madman when I got stung by a bee."

Anthony frowns, his forehead creasing. "I did not act like a madman."

"You did, but it led us to where we are now," Kate says, pressing a tender kiss to his lips. "Married and happy."

"I'd like to think it would've happened with the bee or not."

"I'm not sure. You were quite thick-headed about how in love with me you were."

"Oh, I'm the thick-headed one?" he scoffs. "After the night you fell in love with me, you gave your approval for me to marry your sister. How thick-headed is that?"

"Well, I didn't think you'd ever feel that way about me," Kate defends, rolling her eyes. "But I know very well now that you do. You show me with every kind word, every touch, every…" her words drift, cheeks reddening, "Well, you know."

Anthony smirks. "No, I do not know. Please elaborate on everything I do to you that gives you pleasure in vivid detail."

"You're insufferable," she grumbles and puts her hands on her hips. "I have a good mind not to tell you the true reason for my disappearing and keep you stewing in jealousy."

"I don't think you'd like the result of my increased jealousy."

"I don't know, your scowl was fierce, and the fire in your eyes was quite the sight," Kate teases, tracing her thumb over his furrowed brows. "Very becoming, actually."

Anthony stands and pulls her up with him, leading her to the couch. "Why have you been disappearing?"

"As I said, our anniversary is tomorrow, and I was getting your gift ready," she explains. "It's almost midnight. Perhaps I can give it to you a little bit early. I had one of the servants waiting outside for my return. They came in through the back entrance and have already snuck it into your study to reveal as a surprise for tomorrow."

"How sinister of you, plotting with our staff against me."

"Nothing sinister about it. I asked, and they agreed to help me. Unlike you, they think I'm perfectly agreeable."

"Obviously, they don't know you well enough to fear the wicked inner workings of your mind as I do."

Kate stands, gracefully sticking out her tongue and making him laugh. Anthony follows her down the hall into his study. She makes him close his eyes. He feels like a fool, stumbling into the room with Kate chuckling behind him. But, he feels guilty for thinking Kate could ever be unfaithful and indulges her wishes.

He waits for a few moments, hearing her moving something across the floor, before he asks, "Can I open my eyes now?"

"Alright, you bloody impatient man, open your eyes."

As Anthony takes his hands away from his eyes, his heart stops in his chest. He gawks at the painting on a canvas stand in front of him.

"Kate," he utters breathlessly.

Kate chews on her bottom lip, hesitantly watching him observe the painting—no, "painting" doesn't seem like the right word for what it is.

It's a masterpiece, an almost perfect depiction of Kate.

The artist captured the exact fraction that Kate's lips tilt up when she smiles in amusement. Anthony often sees that expression pointed towards him when they're engaged in one of their bantering matches. The color of her brown eyes is just as deep in the painting. They're full of so much that Anthony still wants to explore even after a year of marriage.

In the portrait, Kate's shoulders are bare, the sleeves resting low on her arm. The bottom of the picture shows the scarlet bodice of her dress. But the most alluring part is how the brown curls of her hair flow freely down her neck, cascading like a waterfall.

Anthony has a strong distaste for her bonnets and how society demands she wears her hair up in public. Anthony loves running his fingers through her hair, which probably is why she posed for the painting with it down. That minx knew it would stir a feeling within him that no one else but her has been able to elicit.

"I hired Sir Granville to paint it," Kate blurts out, nervous from how long he's remained silent. "I wanted him to paint it in a private setting because it's a bit…."

"Breathtaking," Anthony answers.

"I was going to say suggestive, but breathtaking is a good adjective," Kate grins bashfully. She steps towards him, her eyes glowing through the dim light of the room. "It's a portrait for your eyes only, no one else's."

Anthony ducks his head. "I'm sorry that I thought you were...I just—."

"Foolishly got jealous of a person who doesn't exist? Yes, yes, you did."

He runs his fingers against the frame of the painting. "I have a mind to hang this in the common area, so everyone can see how lucky I am."

Kate's eyebrows snap together. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, wouldn't I?" he asks playfully.

"It might encourage some men to meet the woman behind the painting," Kate notes with a mischievous glint in her eyes, pretending to consider his proposal. "Who am I to oppose admirers?"

Anthony's smirk fades. "You wouldn't dare."

"Ah, there's that handsome scowl," Kate points at him in triumph.

He swoops forward, his arms going around her waist. "You're maddening."

Kate's smile widens as she looks up at him, looping her hands around his neck. "You love it."

"You're right. I do love you. And, I love this portrait," Anthony adds, bobbing his head towards the painting. "Perhaps I should hang it in here. It can serve as a reminder of what's waiting for me when I finish my work."

She leans up a bit on her toes, her hands traveling lower down his back. "You know, I could come down to your study to remind you."

Anthony begins moving his hands as well. As they skim up her body, brushing her breast, he relishes in the sound of her moan. Anthony leans closer, pressing kisses down her neck until he gets to just the right spot. Kate's fingers curl tighter onto his back as his lips apply pressure there, and her body gravitates further against him.

"You're far too distracting," Anthony murmurs against her skin. "Perhaps, the portrait is too dangerous to be in here. I'd get nothing done."

"Exactly." She leans her face back a margin, so Anthony can see that enchanting tilt of her lips the artist depicted. "Why do you think I commissioned the painting in the first place?"

"To torture me?"

"All is fair in love and war," Kate says, grinning at him. "And hasn't our relationship always been a bit of both?"

In response, Anthony kisses her deeply and thoroughly. The sound of his pocket watch ticking starts to fade away. It gets replaced with the sound of his heart, which beats for Kate more than himself these days.

[miracul0us-multishipper]

You (Part 2)

Now you see me, now you don’t!

Part 1 | AO3

Felix Graham De Vanily was, in his own humble opinion, special. 

He was smart.

He was composed.

He knew exactly what to say and when, and he could make people see exactly what he wanted them to see.

He wasn’t his cousin, after all, almost identical looks aside. Adrien never knew when to speak up, or when it was better to stay quiet. Never knew how to hide his thoughts and keep his - utterly unrealistic, when it came to his father - hopes in check. And he might be smarter than Felix gave him credit for, but all that intelligence left him as soon as his friends were concerned.

That was what all his flaws boiled down to, really.

Adrien made the fatal, unforgiving mistake of caring too much. Always had.

(It was what Felix liked about him, deep down. Adrien was genuine, in everything he felt. Felix envied him for the ease with which he made friends.)

But.

Felix wasn’t like Adrien at all. He was too smart to care for people - his mother aside - any more than he had to. Mundane distractions. Friends, crushes - all things that would only deter him from his path in life: high above the crowd, always the center of attention, yet unreachable. Playing everyone, but gone before anybody noticed.

It was a glorious but lonely road. No, scratch that. It was a lonely but glorious road. Much better.

He didn’t need anything or anyone.

He was the sole and solemn genius of the family.

He was a magician, who didn’t need any fancy jewelry to work miracles - just the right distraction and disguise.

He was-

“Ow!”

Groaning Felix looked at the little bite marks on his finger. 

“Were you even listening?! Or did you just wait for an opportunity to stab me in the back?”

The black and white bundle of fur and betrayal on his lap meowed and swiped at his hand, now out of reach.

 “I knew you couldn’t be trusted.”, he grumbled and shoved the traitor off of his legs, but couldn’t help but smile when he smugly licked his nose - as if to say: I'd do it again. “I raised you too well. Now, where was I?”

He sighed.

“Ah, yes. I don’t care for anyone - please stop scratching that ear, honey, it’s not healed yet - because I'm just too smart for that. So it’s utterly impossible that I, Felix Graham de Vanily, am in love with Dupain-Cheng. Got it?”

His cat, the little bastard, answered by knocking his pencil box over and started to chew on a pen. Felix narrowed his eyes.

“Oh? You dare doubt my word?”

With quick fingers he stole his cat's spoils and placed it out of his reach.

“Quite bold for a creature without opposable thumbs, hm?”

Insulted, the poor, thumbless pet retreated to his laptop and laid down on the keyboard - causing the screensaver to give way to the last opened tab. Which was Marinette's Instagram page.

“Wah!”

Hurried to hide the proof of his interest - as if she might somehow appear in his room if he looked at her picture for too long - he shooed his pet away and closed the tab. Said pet meowed smugly and, upset about being chased away from two spots already, sat down on his pillow. Great.

“You did that on purpose!”, he accused his cat. “But that tab proves nothing. It was merely a passing interest in her admittedly wearable work. It has nothing to do with any confessions - faked confessions, or that she can apparently recognize me in disguise, or the very neutral fact that she is cute, by some people's - not my own! - standards.”

His cat blinked. And sneezed onto his pillow.

“Bless you. Now move, or I’ll use you instead of a bunny for that hat trick I’m working on.”

Sighing, Felix let himself fall backwards onto his bed, grabbing the fleeing cat and burying his face in the fluffy fur.

“Oh, to be a cat!”, he wailed into his involuntary comfort pillow. “With no troubles except how to best annoy his owner.”

 The poor animal hissed and escaped his grasp, saving himself from the bitter fate of a comfort pillow.

 “Run, you uncaring monster.”, Felix sighed, “Leave me to my worries. Which don’t include Marinette at all, by the way.”

He sat up and watched as the little traitor turned to sulk on his dresser.

“Stop looking at me like that. Even if I had a short bout of interest - possibly even infatuation! It’s already all but cured.”

He nodded to himself, ignoring that the disinterested cat had begun cleaning his leg instead of listening.

“School's closed, after all!”, he hummed, scrolling through the news on his phone. “And social contacts are to be reduced to the bare minimum. So I’m not going to see her again before this passing interest has... well, passed.”

As if in response to his words, his laptop started to ring and the monitor lit up with the picture of blue, blue eyes and a smile that could melt the stars off of the sky. Not that he paid attention to such things.

“Oh no, no, no!”, he panted as he fell out of his bed and stumbled towards the computer. “Incoming Skype call?! Oh, come on!”

The ringtone repeated itself and Felix jumped.

“What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?”

Panicking, he looked at his pet.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?!”

The addressed party blinked. And went back to licking his nuts.

“Argh! I am surrounded by incompetence!”

Taking a deep breath, Felix straightened his vest and cravat - just because he was staying at home for the foreseeable future didn’t mean that he would dress any less professionally.

“Who needs your advice anyway. I can do this.”

He straightened his back and sat down on the chair in front of his desk.

“I am Felix Graham de Vanily, the best actor in all of France and the United Kingdom, not in love with Marinette Dupain-Cheng, and I can totally answer a Skype call.”

Before he could think again, he pressed the green button.

“Mademoiselle Dupain-Cheng!”, he greeted overly enthusiastic. “We meet again.”

“If you can call it that.”, Marinette laughed with the voice of a goddamn angel. She was wearing a white, polka-dotted pajama top, was illuminated by early-noon sunlight falling through some sort of window in the ceiling, and her hair – was – down.

If this was some sort of cosmic test, it wasn’t fair.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of your virtual company?”, he said quickly, trying not to think too much about how her hair looked even softer than the fur of a certain cat. Then, for good measure, he added: “Miss me already?”

Marinette disappeared  for a moment, before returning with a sizable stack of papers.

“As much as I could do without my favorite pain in the neck, we have a school assignment to do. You know, since school is closed?”

She leaned in and he held his breath.

“Did you even notice? I haven’t seen you last Friday.”

What was he supposed to answer to that? Oh, I noticed alright! It kept me from embarrassing myself by avoiding you, because my brain got all mushy ever since you fake-confessed to me pretending to be my cousin?

Ha! Fat chance.

“Aw, worried for me?”, he improvised, as usual, by being sarcastic. “Let me soothe your concern for your favorite pain in the neck: I merely got tired of cosplaying Adrien. I'm a very busy man, you see?”

She rolled her eyes and somehow managed to make it look cute.

“Of course you are. Well, hopefully not too busy for a presentation on marine biology, due next week.”

He blinked.

“Excuse me?”

“You know, the one Adrien and I are supposed to do?”

Felix Had Questions. For example:

“How was I supposed to know that?”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t hack into Adriens E-mail account. I saw you present homework that you couldn’t have known about if Madame Mendeleiev hadn’t emailed you, as Adrien.”

She raised an eyebrow, in a way that could almost be described as playful.

“Plus, you seem the type to do that.”

He scoffed and crossed his arms, as if it would hide his racing heartbeat.

“First of all: No, I am not breaking into my cousins account. I may like to prank him - or rather everyone, really - but that goes a little far. Secondly, that Lila girl was only too eager to do homework with Adrien-Me, so I could keep up with every assignment once I could get her hands off of me.”

“I thought a magician never revealed his tricks?”

True. But he had wanted to see if she would get jealous. Which she didn’t. Which was expected and totally fine by him. He didn’t care anyways.

Lucky for him, Marinette wanted to tease him more than an answer.

“Well, I hope your work ethic is better when it comes to presentations. I'll send you the materials!”

A click later, his laptop alerted him of One New Email, containing no less than twenty-two pages of material. He raised his eyebrows.

“Not to crush your little illusion of me as a hard-working student, but that looks like awfully tedious work. What makes you think I would voluntarily do homework meant for Prince Charming?”

The sassy little smirk she'd shown him during their battles of wit last week returned.

“You mean, aside from the fact that, once school is open again and Adrien is back, your little trick with pretending to be him will be revealed? And that I’m your best chance not to be chased out of town by a very angry Chloé Bourgeois? Not to start with Alya, Rose and Juleka, who still haven’t forgiven you for that stunt you pulled the last time you were here.”

Sound argument, he had to give her that.

“Pah!”, he said, just for the sake of irritating her. “So what? It’s not like it was my idea to move to Paris anyway!”

That was at least partially true. His mother had insisted to come back to France, mostly because she wanted to keep an eye on Gabriel. But he hadn’t been against it either.

It wasn’t like he had friends in London anyway, and in Paris it at least didn’t get boring, with all these butterflies and superheroes. Plus, he wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he had missed Adrien. That boy could use a little family - once Felix was done pretending to be him. 

Marinette hummed and tapped her chin impatiently.

“Well, then see it as the prize you promised me after our little insult-match at the Trocadero.”

“Wait, wait, wait!”, he held up his hands. “I already settled that score, didn’t I? You confessed to me, remember?”

“I practiced confessing to Adrien with you, you mean.”, she reminded him with a raised eyebrow – Ouch, by the way – before leaning back in her pink chair. “And that was because you talked me into it. I never told you what I wanted, did I?”

Well, fuck. Not that the prospect of working with Marinette was that unpleasant, but in his current state of emotional confusion, it would only be detrimental. He needed an out, an excuse!

“Why would you want to work with me anyways? I would have thought you'd jump at the chance to do something with Prince Adrien of Dreamland. Why settle for the pain in the neck?”

Marinette sighed.

“Adrien is still recovering from his flu, and given the current, ah, global situation, I thought it would be better to put his health first. Besides, you're my favorite pain in the neck.”

“I'm flattered, darling”, he said, trying not to sound like it was as true as it was, “but-“

“Oh my gosh!”, Marinette interrupted him with a shout, and suddenly her eyes dominated the entire screen, as if she were mere millimeters away from her own computer. “Felix! What is that?!”

“Huh?”, he made, eloquent as usual. He turned around, just in time to see his traitorous cat jump from the dresser right onto his lap. Apparently, now that Felix had someone else to talk to, the little bastard felt neglected. 

“You mean him?”, he asked, turning back to the screen with the cat in his lap. An inhuman squeal came from the other side of the line and Marinette sacked back into her chair, which spun around its axis, like, three times in a single second.

“Felix Graham de Vanily!”, she said with all but glowing eyes. “Show – me – the cat!”

Since her voice made absolutely clear that it had been an order and Felix had always had a strong survival instinct, he obediently held up the little monster. Who let out a plaintive little “Mow”, but otherwise submitted to his fate.

“Oh my gosh!”, Marinette repeated, “He's adorable!”

“You think?”, Felix said dumbly, at a loss for how to react to this sudden change in situation.

“I do! I do! What's his name?”

“Uh...”, Felix thought, debating whether a lie would save his reputation. “Uhm...”

“Don’t tell me you named him Felix Junior!” She turned towards the cat in false exasperation. “Did he name you Felix Junior?!”

The cat that was most certainly not named Felix Junior meowed in his feline confusion.

“No, of course not!”, Felix snapped back, sinking into the chair as if it might have mercy and swallow him.

“Then what's his name? What, for God’s sake, is this pretty little kitty called?!”

What had his life turned into?

“'dini.”, he mumbled, hiding his face behind the cat.

“What? Speak louder!”, Marinette demanded, and so he accepted his fate.

“Houdini!”, he groaned in embarrassment. “I named him Houdini, alright? I was eleven!”

For a moment, the line went quiet. Then, inevitably, Marinette burst out in laughter.

“For real? I can’t believe it!”

Sulking, Felix turned away from the screen, but immediately Marinette stopped.

“No, no, no! Bring Houdini back! I love his name, okay? Give him back!”

“You're not telling anybody of him, got it?”, he hissed, cheeks as red as Ladybug's suit. Marinette snickered. 

“Of course, I promise. Houdini will be our little secret, alright? Now bring him back!”

Satisfied, Felix turned the chair back towards the laptop and placed Houdini on the desk. The curious thing didn’t hesitate to lounge onto his keyboard and examined the camera, much to Marinette’s delight.

“Oh lord, he's so cute!”

Felix sighed and leaned back.

“Believe me, he knows.”

“He looks just like you!”

At that, Felix spluttered and jumped up again.

“W-w-what?!”

Internally already setting up the equation: “Marinette thinks Houdini is cute, and Marinette thinks Houdini looks like Felix, then Marinette thinks Felix is cute?” he was about two seconds from fainting.

“He's got a little tie, see?”, Marinette giggled on, ignorant of the thought-spiral she'd sent him into. “Just like you!”

Oh. She meant the patterns of his fur, which admittedly looked a little like he was wearing a tie. Of course.

“Who's the most adorable thing in Paris? You are!”, Marinette continued with her shameless adoration of that undeserving little brat, who currently Mow-ed happily at the screen. Pah!

“Just so you know, he bites people for fun.”, Felix badmouthed his own pet, absolutely not because he was jealous. “You can’t trust him. He'll act sweet, but as soon as you're not looking he's got your fingers between his sharp little fangs!”

“Eh, I can handle it.”, Marinette shrugged and immediately went back to admiring Houdini. “You're a good kitty, aren’t you? The best, the best! Yes, you are!”

“No, he's not!”, Felix insisted through clenched teeth. “He's moody and arrogant! Nobody likes him, that's why I took him in! He thinks it’s fun to hurt people, he holds grudges forever and he's incredibly annoying when he's bored!”

Wait, was he still talking about the cat?

“You just like him because he looks all cute and innocent, but if you knew him, you'd never even want to be in the same room as him.”

Marinette had gone quiet on the other side, and Houdini narrowed his eyes at him in betrayal. Then she shrugged.

“If you don’t want him anymore, I'll take him in.”

“What?!”

She would have to pry the little shit out of his cold, dead hands!

“Did you not listen to a word I said?” he asked, trying not to let on that he didn’t actually dislike Houdini.

Marinette smiled.

“Sure. But I still think he's a good kitty.”

“But why?”

She hummed, pushing her stack of papers aside so she could put her elbows on the desk. Resting her chin on her hand, she looked up in him.

“Most cats are. You just got to give them a chance to come out of their shell.”

“But... But he's mean!”

“Maybe he's just lonely. Maybe he needs some friends, and then he'll learn to be nicer. I can wait.”

He was not blushing!

“Why would you want to? There's lots of better cats, you could just pick one of them right away.”

“Yeah, well, I want Houdini. All cats deserve a chance. Even the meaner ones.”

She smiled down at the black and white loaf that purred on his keyboard.

“In my experience, peop- cats only show their best sides if you give them a chance to open up. If you're too quick to brush them aside as hopeless, or mean, you might miss out on the most wonderful personalities underneath. And I think Houdini is one of those.”

And then, because the universe just wanted to see him fall, she winked at him. Jesus Christ!

“Anyway, I'll give you some time to read through the material I sent you. Message me once you’re done, we've got a lot of work ahead. Bye!”

Before he could realize what she had said, the window blanked and closed on him. Disappointed that his fan had vanished, Houdini meowed and returned once again to Felix' lap.

“Bye.”, Felix stammered belatedly. What had just... How could she go around just saying things like that? And then hang up?!

“Ugh, Houdini!”, he lamented. “Look what I have become!”

Reduced to a beetred, stammering, weird-cat-metaphor-using fool!

The cat gave a smug “Mrow” and headbutted him in the chin, but Felix didn’t have it in him to complain.

“Fine,” he sighed in defeat, “you win. So what if I like her?”

Houdini purred.

“You do too, don’t you? Bet you'd bite her anyway.”

He purred on, unperturbed.

“Knew it.”

He sighed once again.

“She's right, though. You are a good kitty. Deep down.”

Houdini meowed and licked his finger, just where he'd bitten him earlier.

“Well, now you're just sucking up to me! Two-faced little demon. Mwah!”

He pressed a small kiss to the top of his furry head, then rolled the chair closer to the desk and opened his emails.

“Alright, then.”, he tried to motivate himself, “let's show Marinette what a good kitty- what a good person we are and do our homework.”

At that, Houdini promptly stood up and jumped onto the bed, leaving him alone with twenty-two pages of reading material.

“Bastard.”

- - -

Bonus:

Ladybug, crashing through Felix' window: Felix Graham de Vanily!

Felix: Ladybug?!

Ladybug: I have it on good authority that you own a good kitty! It is crucial for the safety of Paris that I pet him right this instant!

Felix, remembering her right hook: ... sure?

[nuoyipeach]

Fresh Start (seulyong os)

Feb. 18 2021

Taeyong regrets many things.

Being a coward in school. Bottling up his feelings. Never confessing to his best friend. Holding in the urge to do it even at her wedding.

Now he regrets something more than ever. He wished he knew. He wished he could have saved her from this. He wished he was the one going home and making her smile, not going home late only to make her upset.

Even her child. He wished she was his. He wished he was her dad. And frankly, the six-year-old sometimes wanted the same.

Taeyong brought her cake on her birthdays, her dad would come home and sleep. Taeyong helped her with her homework, her dad went on business trips. Taeyong helped her prepare a surprise birthday party for her mother, her dad didn't even remember.

"Why did mummy ever marry dad?"

"Don't say that Arin. If your mum and dad didn't meet you wouldn't be here." Taeyong answered as they drove home from school. Another thing, Taeyong always took her home when her mother couldn't, her dad would simply drive past.

"Still, I'd rather not be here than have a dad who never looks at me." she sighed. For a seven-year-old, Arin was quick to catch how absent her father always was. "I wish I was your baby... You're the best."

Taeyong smiled at her, a little sadly. How he wished the same.

Especially now that he found out something. Something he knew would break Arin's heart for sure. He didn't even have the courage to tell Seulgi what he saw, but he pushed himself to it knowing this was not right in any means.

He regrets even more now. He regrets not being around when she was dating this man to see his true colours. He regrets not stopping them from marrying for his own selfish reasons, because he knew for sure he would never think to hurt Seulgi like this.

He'd never have another lady behind her back.

Reaching Arin's home, he let her run in while he helped carry her bag in. "Arin can you call your mum out? I have to speak with her." the little girl nodded and ran in to call out her mother. Taeyong walked in and sat on the couch, shaking his leg and looking down as anxiety ate him up.

"Hey Taeyong." he heard her cheerful voice, the one that always made him happy. But now it made him sad. He looked up with a sad smile and watched as she sat next to him, already sensing something wrong. "What happened?"

Taking a deep breath, Taeyong looked right in her eyes. "Seulgi, you're my best friend, since forever almost. And I'd do anything to keep you happy. But... There's something I have to tell you."

"OK... What is it?"

"I... I caught him with someone else. Thrice actually..."

"Get out."

Taeyong's eyes widened, confused by her sudden command. "What?"

"Get out Taeyong. I never thought you'd go this far." Seulgi stood up, obviously angry as her hands fisted her shirt.

Taeyong stood as well. "What are you talking about Seulgi? I'm trying t-"

"I know what you’re doing. I know that you've liked me for a while now. And honestly, I'm upset you didn't tell me this before I got married to someone else. But that's over for me because I already had my love life, and I don't care for your bullsh*t stories to break up my family. I'm happy the way I am."

Taeyong was shocked, by every part of her sentence. The fact that she knew, the fact that she was upset, the fact that she doesn't care, but mostly the fact that she thinks he's lying to get her back. Anger boiled up in him, as Taeyong was not someone who liked being accused of things.

"Seulgi, as much as I still have feelings for you, that's not why I'm doing this. I did see him with another lady, three times. I'm not telling you this to break you up, trust me I would have done that long before you married. I'm telling you this because you're still my best friend, and I don't want you to suffer." Seulgi simply pointed at the door, motioning him to get out. No matter what Taeyong was the angriest here. He scoffed and turned to the door. "Have it your way then. You won't be hearing from me anymore I guess, since this is the part you refuse to speak to me further thinking I'll make up more stories to break your family. Well, I have better things to do than this, so don't bother."

Taeyong regretted what he did. He regrets cutting off from Seulgi just like that. He regrets not answering her calls. He regrets not picking up Arin from school.

He regrets not being there when the car sped up towards her.

He drove as fast as he could, reaching the hospital in no time and ran to where Seulgi had texted him they were. He reached the room after going up several floors in the elevator, and peeked in, suddenly losing all strength in his body.

He dragged himself inside and stood next to Seulgi's crouched body beside the bed, a small body laid in it covered with mask and other such equipment. Seeing her face broke Taeyong's heart even more.

"Arin..." he gently cupped her cheek in one hand and held her shoulder in the other, lightly shaking her. "Arin, wake up. I'm here, it's me uncle Yong. Baby wake up please, and I'll take you to the fair. Remember you promised me you'd get first in class? It doesn't matter. Wake up and we'll go right away baby." his voice trembled while Seulgi's loud sobs continued and he couldn't help break down soon. "Arin please, you- you need to wake up. Don't make mummy sad, you hate that. Arin..."

Unable to hold it in any longer, he let his head fall into her chest and cried out loud. "Arin I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry baby for not being there... I shouldn't have cut the call, I should've known better. Please baby wake up..."

Taeyong rarely left Arin's side. After Seulgi, he was the second person who was always with her, except for work and when he had to go home. He'd sit there and read to her like he did during her bedtime when they had sleepovers or tell her about any promotion he got at his job. Seulgi would watch and was happy, but Taeyong would catch her on her phone talking to her husband, who only came once in the past month. It was to the point Taeyong memorised what excuses he'd give.

I'm busy.

I'm tired.

Tomorrow

I've got meetings.

Sorry, too much paperwork.

Even the couple’s parents came more than he did himself obviously. When Seulgi's parents came they were beyond happy to see Taeyong. They've always favoured him when growing up, and also knew about his feelings for Seulgi but he told them to keep quiet about it. Although again, he regrets that.

But they were also the ones other than Taeyong who knew about her husband's dirty secret. Except for Seulgi and her in-laws, many friends and family knew. But when Taeyong told them how she had reacted they kept quiet, knowing she'd be too broken to hear, especially now.

When Seulgi's in-laws visit, they always give Taeyong the stank eye, as if he was here to cause trouble.

"Seulgi where's my son?" her mother-in-law asked as she eyed Taeyong going through Arin's daily health checks.

"He said he's busy again. He only came the second day." she replied to which her mother-in-law sighed and left the room. Seulgi's mother was present and looked as her daughter also sighed, sick of having to deal with her in laws always questioning about her husband, when they could easily contact their own son themselves.

And that's another thing both her mother and Taeyong noticed.

It had been a month and she was sick of seeing her daughter remain so naïve, and now she broke her limit. As her in laws left, she shut the door immediately and locked it, then looked at her daughter who stood confused. Taeyong's eyes widened and he quickly turned away, busying himself with Arin.

"Seulgi how much more is it going to take you to realise that he's cheating on you and that his family is fully aware? How much longer do I have to watch my only child and grandchild go through this mess? Why are you being such a rock head? What do you have to be so protective over? What's wrong with you!?!"

Seulgi stood shocked. The last time she heard this was her fight with Taeyong, and to hear it from her mother caught her off guard.

"Mum what do you mean? Why are you saying this?"

"Taeyong told you, yet you didn't listen. Well listen to your mother, everyone's seen him around with that other lady, even your cousin. Yet we never could tell you because Taeyong stopped us when he didn't see. He saw how happy you were, especially with Arin around, he didn't want us to ruin your happiness, that's how much he loved and cared for you. But when he saw it himself, he regretted so many things, you don't know how we had to stop him from doing anything rash. He finally picked up the courage to tell you, but you didn't listen. Look what happened, Arin's in coma! I'm not blaming either of you, but maybe if you would've listened to him and not break out a fight none of this would have happened in the first place!"

Seulgi tugged her hair back, letting out a frustrated sigh. "Taeyong get out." she suddenly mumbled.

Taeyong looked up surprised. "What?"

Seulgi turned around in a rush and faced him. "Get. Out. Go, leave. I don't want you around right now." Taeyong looked at her mother who signalled him to do as she said. He put down the clipboard of Arin's checks and silently walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. Her mother then faced back to her only to see tears streaming out of her eyes, her legs giving in as she fell sitting on the empty space of Arin's bed.

The elder lady walked up to her and held her hand. She was her mother, and if anything she knew her feelings the most over anyone else in their lives. "Honey, I know something's not right with you. Tell me, talk to me." she cupped Seulgi's face and raised her head up to look at her. "You're my baby no matter how old you grow, I know from the start honey, that you've loved Taeyong as much as he loves you still."

Seulgi cried even more, hiding her face in her mother's chest. Her mother combed her hair as she herself let out tears seeing what kind of a mess her child was in, something no loving mother would want their children through.

"Talk to me Seulgi, please."

"I loved him mum, I still do. But he was so distant with me suddenly, I didn't know why. That's why I moved on, that's why I met Arin's dad, that's why I married him because no matter how long I waited, Taeyong never said a thing. No matter how many times I messed around with guys, Taeyong kept quiet." she felt her mother move away slightly and lost the warmth for a second before she felt it again.

But it felt different, and she knew why. She fisted her hands hard and started hitting the body holding her. "You're an asshole! Why didn't you say anything! Why did you let me do all that! Why didn't you force me to break up back then! Why can't you be selfish! Why Taeyong, just why didn't you do something!"

Taeyong's face wasn't any drier as he had heard the entire conversation she had with her mother, who now stood outside instead. He realised how his kindness was a pain, how his warm heart back then only led to so many being hurt now. How he regrets not being selfish back then.

"I still love you Seulgi, but I'm such a coward. I didn't know you loved me back, I didn't know all those stunts you pulled back then was to get my attention. I didn't want to hurt you, I wanted you to be happy, even if that meant losing you to another man..."

"F*ck you Lee Taeyong!" Seulgi screamed as she stood up, shocking Taeyong who knew for the longest that she was not one to curse this easily. "F*ck you and your kindness!" she continued to cry. Taeyong pulled her into his embrace, letting her cry into his chest while his hands caressed her back.

"Leave him. He's not worth your time. Even as we speak he's off with someone else."

Seulgi pulled away and stared at him, crying suddenly stopped as her eyes burned with anger. "I won't leave him." she said catching him off guard. "Not until you kiss me."

Taeyong was even more shocked, knowing it wasn't right. "I... You're married to someone else, I can't kiss a marr-"

"Shut up!" she pushed him away. "If you're still going to be the kind person in this situation, then forget it. I won't leave him without a fight, until I do what he's putting me through. Kiss me, or I won't listen to you, or even my mother. I'll stay with this man even if he thr-"

Taeyong had had enough of her talk, enough of her stubbornness, something he was pretty fond of but not now. And he did as she wished. He grabbed her arm and pulled her roughly, colliding her lips with his own. Seulgi wasn't one to wait and her hands wrapped around his neck tight as she returned the kiss. He let go of her arm and snaked both his hands around her waist, both adults pulling their bodies closer to each other wanting not a single waste of space between them, wanting to make up for the time they lost all those years.

Out of breath, Taeyong pulled away slightly, their foreheads still pressed together as they both took shallow breaths. His eyes were fixed at her swollen lips before looking directly into hers, and suddenly he saw a glint of joy in them.

"Only you could ever make me break laws and morals..." he spoke quietly to which she chuckled.

"Sometimes it's better to be the bad person Taeyong, especially for revenge." she replied before claiming his lips again. But Taeyong was quick to pull away this time, his hold on her now gentle.

"What will you do now?"

"I'm calling him now, our marriage is over. I'll get annulment papers tomorrow itself."

Taeyong smiled proudly at her, before he remembered Arin. "What about Arin?"

Seulgi turned behind looking at her child, still laying lifeless on the bed. She thought deeply for a second, then turned back to Taeyong as she figured it all out simply. "She loves you, more than her father. He was rarely present while you were. You took care of her when he couldn't even feed her. She loves you and sees you as the man in her life, more than she even sees him as her father. Whatever happens, I know for sure she wouldn't care much if he's gone. Hurt yes, that she no longer has a father, but with you around, she won't be sad for long."

It wasn't as easy as she thought as her in laws gave quite a fight, denying the cheating accusations Seulgi threw at their son and claiming that she cheated instead. It wasn't until Seulgi swore on Arin that she never did such and yelled that even they knew about their son's affair but were too ashamed to admit it. And as usual the man arrived late, and to his family's surprise didn't hesitate much on agreeing to the divorce, even giving Seulgi full custody over Arin with no request of seeing her weekly.

During the whole ordeal Taeyong stood by Seulgi's side along with her mother, as he was her lawyer. And he didn't miss the obvious stank eye her in-laws kept giving her still, as if he was the cause of all this. At one point her mother-in-law even stood against him.

"You set this up, didn't you? You're the reason for this mess!"

"Ma'am your son himself has agreed to the annulment and accepted the claims. There's nothing more to this."

"Then why are you always around? I know for sure you got Seulgi to do this!"

Taeyong huffed dropping the file with the ex-couples’ signatures onto the table, anger clear in his eyes. "Ma'am, if there's anybody to blame here it's your son. Seulgi has been my best friend since elementary, me always being there was nothing out of the norm. Trust me in different situations I would have befriended your son as well through her. But I never attempted it because I knew what he's been doing. We've got many witnesses against him as well, so please don't make this so hard for me. I'm nothing but a lawyer here, and I'd like to solve my cases quickly and quietly, no drama."

The elder woman was about to speak when her son, now Seulgi's ex-husband, held her back. "Mum stop being so dramatic. What's done is done, let it go. I really don't care about this right now." he spoke, his attitude nonchalant and turned back to his phone.

Taeyong didn't want to drag this any longer do collected the papers together and filed them. "It will take two weeks to officiate, until then you can start moving out and discuss on possessions. If you need any help deciding those you can give me a call, however I expect that it shouldn't be too much of a problem."

"Not at all." the man replied before turning to Seulgi. "You can take all of your things and Arin's, and whatever I had gifted you too like the car, just take it."

"How can you give her so easily?" his mother yelled again.

"Because it's her right?" he replied sarcastically. "I'm the one who cheated, besides what's me keeping those things going to do for me. I don't need anything to remind me of them laying around the house."

Seulgi's blood boiled at his words. How could she have wasted all those years of her life on such a man who doesn't even show care about his own child? She looked away from them and saw Taeyong filing the final paper before standing up.

"Well then, that's all. You may leave now. You will get the letter in two weeks." and not surprisingly, her ex-in-laws were quick to leave along with the man. Seulgi's family sat there and sighed looking at each other then Taeyong, who just sat back after putting the file in his urgent cabinet.

"Well, I guess we should go now." her father spoke up. "We need to help you pack your things and move out right. Hopefully doesn't take too long, I don't want to be in that house."

Seulgi nodded sadly, when Taeyong spoke up. "No need, I've arranged for movers, they'll do it for you. I'll be there, you can come too if you want to Seulgi, but they're going there in about half an hour, so it shouldn't take too long."

The family smiled at him in gratitude, when they noticed Seulgi's fatigued face. Her mother held her hand and turned to face her. "What's wrong sweetheart?"

"Where will I go?" she whispered. "I can't move in with you guys with so much. It's a burden. I'm unemployed too, I can't afford a house now..." she held back her tears, when she noticed everyone quiet. Looking up she was shocked to see them all smiling mischievously, except for Taeyong who had a nervous look.

"Well," her father spoke up, "you actually do have a place all ready for you, and Arin." he said, eyes darting towards Taeyong, causing Seulgi to turn to him too.

"What do you mean?"

Taeyong rubbed the back of his neck, nervous from thinking what to say. "Well... I should have asked you, but I prepared my house for you to move in, with me." he looked at her directly and saw her bewildered expression. "I mean if you don't want to its completely fine, we can help you find somewhere else. Or you can stay with your parents and store your stuff at my place for now."

Seulgi bit her bottom lip looking down at her fumbling hands, all eyes in the room on her. "I... I don't know for sure. I don't want to bother you too much. And I have to watch over Arin. An-”

“Seulgi,” her mother cut her off, “how much longer are you going to underestimate Taeyong?” she looked at her mother, slightly confused. “You should go to his house with him now. Leave the movers to us, what’s more important is to change you Seulgi.“

In the next fifteen minutes Seulgi stood with Taeyong in the elevator heading down to the garage to his car. It was an awkward silence, until Taeyong suddenly moved closer and held her hand. “I have to ask you. Do you perhaps have something else in mind?”

Seulgi looked up to see his saddened eyes. “What do you mean?”

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to be with me. It feels like I’m forcing you, and I don’t want that. If you want to be on your own with Arin go ahead, I’ll still be by your side, so there’s nothing for you to worry about losing.“

Seulgi chewed her bottom lip. Truth was, she loved the idea. Waking up every morning next to Taeyong, having his arms around her, waiting for him to come home from work while she prepared his meal, having dinner as they talked about the day, spending the nights together cuddling (or making love). She always wished it was him. When she was married for the past eight years, she completely erased those fantasies from her mind, but whenever she saw him playing with Arin or helping her with errands, she couldn’t help wishing it was him for a split second before reminding herself she was a married woman.

Now she doesn’t have to stop it. But another worry filled her mind.

She wanted to give him time, she wanted to take some time herself as a matter of fact. It felt so fast, one moment she’s married, the next she’s divorced, the next she’s moving with another man already. All while her daughter, the light of her life, was in the hospital.

The elevator bell got her attention back to reality, and she quickly followed behind as Taeyong had already walked out, evidently hurt by her silence as an answer. While in the car driving to his house, which she realised she barely even knew the way to, she thought of an answer, not wanting to leave him with silence.

“Taeyong...” he replied with a hum, “I... I don’t know what I want. Don’t get me wrong, I love you, I want nothing more to start my life over with you. But... It feels so fast. I thought we could have a fresh start, take a step at a time you know. But at the same time, I don’t want to go through it all again. Then there’s Arin. I need to think about her. It’s obvious he won’t be taking part in her life anymore, I’m all she has...”

The car came to a halt and she realised they had already reached Taeyong’s double storey house. She peeked around and found it was in a quiet neighbourhood, and it was big but felt very homely. She watched as he got out and followed behind him until entering the house. Taeyong not once has said a word to her, and it was starting to make her emotional. Did she hurt him with what she said? She stood in the middle of the hallway, trying to fight back her tears, when a hand slipped into her own.

“I want to show you something.“ Taeyong said softly before pulling her along across the living room to the second floor. There was another hallway, then what seemed like a family living area, then three doors, then what she figured were the rooftop patio doors at the end of the hallway. He tugged her to one of the doors and motioned for her to open it. All the while Seulgi wondered why he had such a big house to himself, but shook off the thoughts as she turned the handle and entered...

A kid's room. The walls were coloured baby pink, a white high platform bed with drawers on the side, a shelf with several toys and books, and a table with colour pencils scattered on them. She also spotted two doors, one guessing the bathroom while the other looked like a closet room, though it seemed locked.

However, everything looked as if no one had touched a thing for the longest time.

“You know, whenever Arin stayed over, this was her room.“ he suddenly said catching her attention as Seulgi looked at him, obviously confused why he would dedicate an entire room to her child. “Don’t take this the wrong way, I had no intention of breaking your family. But I also had no intention starting my own. I felt like staying single for the rest of my life was the better option. When Arin started staying over, it made me feel alive to have someone around. And when her visits became frequent, I figured giving her a room here wouldn’t have been a bad idea. Whenever you were busy and she stayed, I’d let her take over this place. Ever since our, well, fight, this room became unused. It hurt me, if I may be honest, that I lost you in more than just one way. This room wasn’t just for Arin, but whenever I felt sick of my life I’d come here and look at her drawings. She loves to draw, same as you, and looking at them would help me relive childhood moments, when I was happy. When I was with you.“

Seulgi looked back at the room, walking towards the wall with all of Arin's drawings hung up. Some were of her and her mother, some with Seulgi's parents, and some with Taeyong.

None of her own father.

She then continued to the shelf of toys, before looking back at Taeyong. "You bought her so many things..." she said when he gave a chuckle.

"They're ours."

"What?"

Taeyong walked next to her, looked at the shelf before picking out a small toy and handing it to her. "They're our toys, well some of them, the ones that survived I guess. I had them in a box in my basement, and Arin somehow found them. I must say, she gave me quite a heart attack when I couldn't find her that time." he laughed softly remembering the day he had almost lost his life unable to find the child, only to see her playing with the toys in the basement.

"You gave them to her?"

"Yes. Back then there was nothing in this room except for the shelf. When I saw her playing with them, I allowed her to have them to herself and let her put them on the shelf so she could get them easily. That was when I decided to give her this room."

Taking her hand, he led her to the bed and sat down with her. Her hands felt around the covers. "And this bed?"

"I got it recently, after our talk at the hospital. I guess I got excited to finally have you with me, and I figured the first step to our relationship would be Arin's life."

Seulgi didn't care to hold back her tears, moving closer into his arms. "How did you accept..." she mumbled into his shoulder.

"Accept what?"

"Arin." she moved away and spoke. "Any other person would have been hurt to see the person they love marry away and have a family of their own. How did you love Arin so much, despite her father being him?"

Taeyong sighed, hand running through her hair before cupping her cheek. "In my eyes Arin was your child. Yours and only yours. Of course I acknowledged her father, but I treated her like my own. I sound selfish, I'll admit I sometimes thought I was going crazy, a psycho for having such thoughts. But I couldn't help it... Especially when I found out he was cheating, I knew I had to be there for you two."

Seulgi leaned against his chest, and with his arm around her, Taeyong slolwy laid down with her. Her hand stroked his clothed chest while his fingers threaded through her locks hummin softly to their favourite song since they were young. They stayed like that in silence for a long time, until he felt her head turn to look up at him so he faced her.

Seulgi stared at him quietly but he could tell she was thinking hard about something. “Taeyong...” he hummed in response. “Will you please adopt Arin?”

Seulgi was moved in by the next day, and Taeyong showed her their new bedroom (technically not a new bedroom, but new to them as a couple). He also helped her move Arin’s things into her room.

A week after she received the divorce letter, the two were already at his office again signing marriage papers, and Taeyong’s adoption over Arin. Seulgi almost teared up watching him sign the adoption papers, and gave him permission to change Arin’s last name to his. It wasn’t just for him though, but Seulgi didn’t want Arin to wake up as that man’s daughter anymore. She wanted Arin to have a better life, with a better father.

The couple had also agreed to not hold any sort of ceremony or such until Arin was better, not just awake, but awake and living. They both prioritised the young girl’s life more than anything else to them, and ever since her doctor allowed for Arin to be kept at home, they even slept in the same room with bedding on the floor, not leaving her alone for a second.

Taeyong once caught Seulgi up at night, crying holding her daughter’s hand. He got up and sat closer to her, hugging her from behind. "It will get better, I promise." he whispered, his hand holding hers which held onto Arin's. She cried even more, turning towards him and hiding her face in his chest.

"I miss her. I feel like I'm losing her day by day. I can't even remember the last words she said to me anymore. I keep having dreams, hallucinations, that she's here with us, playing around the house. Whenever you go to work, when I'm cooking or doing anything, I keep seeing her..."

Taeyong shushed her kissing her forehead, his hand now in her hair while the other pulled her into his lap and stayed at her hips. He knew what she meant, he noticed it too. Whenever Seulgi was silently doing an errand, he'd catch her look straight ahead and suddenly smile. He knew why, but he never bothered her about it, scared she may have not realised it and would only make her worry more.

"I'm tired Taeyong... I feel like giving up."

"Hush Seulgi, don't say or do that. Don't think about it. We will have her back, I promise."

Seulgi only sighed, letting out more tears. "We've done everything. Talk, play music, they said she'll wake up soon. When is soon? It's killing me. I’m going crazy."

Taeyong silently kept craddling her until he felt her go limp and knew she was asleep by then. Slowly he laid her back down on the floor bed they had, not once letting go of her hand as he laid beside her.

As if Arin’s position wasn’t hard enough, Seulgi cried locking herself in the closet. It was Valentine’s Day a week ago, & the couple had decided to take just one day to themselves and rest easy to spend some alone time.

Now she regrets not taking precaution, thinking her timing was safe.

“Seulgi, please open up. I saw it, in the trash. Love come out so we can talk it through. I won’t push you for anything, you know that Seulgi.“

She opened the door and threw herself into Taeyong’s arms, wanting nothing more than silence. Taeyong knew this, and gently carried her up to their bed, still hugging her. They remained quiet for a long time, until she took slower breaths and eased her body. He looked down at her trying to see her expression, giving her forehead a gentle kiss.

“Do you want to keep it?“ he asked softly. “It’s entirely up to you. I’m sorry this happened so suddenly, you have every right to make whatever decision it is.“

Seulgi looked up at him, then hid in his chest again. She didn’t know what to do. For some reason even she couldn’t think of, she had too many conflicitng thoughts going through her head.

What if another child takes their attention away from Arin?

What if Taeyong really disapproves of abortion?

What if having the baby gives them some peace?

What if Arin wakes up happier than ever to this baby?

What if Taeyong forgets about Arin having his own child?

What if hearing the baby will wake up Arin?

What if...

“I don’t know...” she cried again. “I don’t know what to do. There’s so many things, what if Arin loves it and wakes up, or what if you push Arin aside...”

“Hey!“ Taeyong pushed her out and held her by the shoulders. “You know I love Arin more than anything. Why would you say that? That hurts my feelings... I love her Seulgi. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have done so much for her even before our relationship.“

Seulgi looked down feeling guilty of having such thoughts. She knew very well how much Taeyong loved her daughter, how much he would give up for her. She looked back at him and shook her head apologetically. “I’m sorry... You’re right, I shouldn’t have thought of that.”

Taeyong sighed before hugging her again. “It’s OK. But tell me, about this now.” he said holding her head to his chest.

After a long silence, Seulgi looked back at him with a nervous look. “Do you think Arin would love a younger sibling?”

Taeyong smiled and cupped her cheek. “Arin’s a sweet girl. I’m sure she’d love nothing more than becoming an older sister. Remember how she took care of you when you got sick, and she was only five.” he chuckled softly. Seulgi smiled and looked down to their intertwined hands, the ring on his finger bringing her some sort of reassurance of trust.

part 2 (cuz this is getting too long😅)

[seluvian]

Today is my cousin's birthday. The first one he's had since his father, my beloved uncle, passed away last year, May 4th 2020, from covid.

My Uncle Victor was a good man. A genuinely, deep down good man. He never had anything mean to say about anyone, he was always ready to help anyone with anything. He'd had a hard life, coming up in the old mafia days, way back when. Lot of gang activity and bad stuff. But he got away from that. Then, his two daughters, just barely into their adulthood, both died. On the same night. In the same hospital. One floor and a few minutes apart. Drug overdoses. A tragedy.

My uncle, though. He turned that tragedy into a promise, that he'd do everything he could to never see that happen again. He became a pastor with a small but dedicated church. Got married to my aunt, had a son. Then I came along. My mother hadn't been ready for kids, so my aunt and uncle took me on weekends, tried to give me the normal kid structure I wasn't getting at home. I don't remember it. I was very little. But when I was a little older, and my mom had moved away from her family, she hated me. It was no secret, she told me, she told everyone. She told Uncle Victor. Tried so hard to convince him I was a bad child, evil, worthy of hate. She told so many lies to my family about my bad behaviors, and I'd get these calls from them, from my aunts and grandma, and they'd just wait for me to say 'hello' and start yelling at me. But not my uncle. He just talked to me. Told me how much he loved me and how he didn't want me to end up like his daughters, stay in school, do your best, I love you I love you I love you. No matter how hard my mom tried, no matter how bad she said I was, he always calmly, firmly replied, "no. They're a good kid. Love them." Always. That's who he was. Always love. Unconditional.

If the nurses at the recovery center had known who he was, how kind he was, maybe they would have helped him, the day he died. He'd been recovering well. But one day, that day, he woke up struggling to breathe. Weak and in pain. The nurses ignored him. All day long. When the night nurse came in she called 911. Had him rushed back to the ER. But it was too late. His heart gave out just after 11pm that night. If they'd known him. They'd have helped him. They would know that he wouldn't blame them, even now. He would have forgiven them and tried to see it from their side, how tired they must have been, how overworked and desensitized. He'd have loved them. Because that's just who he was.

Today is so hard. It has been so hard. Every day is so hard. I want to put myself in a bubble where I never have to think about any of this, ever again. On top of it all, I tried to tell my roommate yesterday to be nice to me today, I told him why. And today, literally the moment I woke up, he started an argument with me that lasted a very long time. When I reminded him of today, he ignored me and kept going. How am I supposed to live in a world where people like that just get to walk around and do whatever they want, while good men who make things better die alone and in pain? How is that fair? How is that right? I don't know. I'm in so much pain. I'm not suicidal, if anyone is worried. But I'm miserable. I miss my uncle.

His name was Victor.

[unebelleberceuse]

Journal Entry 1.1 - Saturday, April 13 2019, 23:30ish I think

My mom told me she hated everyone in our family except my little brother because my little cousin and i took a couple of silly filtered snapchat pics of her at a family dinner. I genuinely apologised after I saw she was upset and we were in private because I didn't mean to hurt her- told her it wasn't my intention to be mean but that I should have been more sensitive because I knew that the past few days had been hard and I should have been more thoughtful about what would be hurtful vs what would be funny to her. Genuinely meant it, felt bad about it all the rest of the night. At one point my auntie who's in from out of town beckoned me over and we chatted the rest of the evening, just catching up. She tried to talk about my mom and I shut it down- I wasn't okay with talking shit about my mom to her sister. What's upsetting about this is that as soon as we were in the car heading home she was like did you have a good time making fun of me with your aunt? Which I would never do- they had a spat the first night my aunty was in and I have been shutting down everyone's attempts to talk (or talk shit) about my mom when she's not there all fucking weekend, because I wouldn't want them doing it to me and I know it's a real Thing™ for her. So it's hurtful because I am actually in her corner and her trying to make me the enemy in every passing interaction I have with another family member is really shitty and exhuasting, but also because she does it(talking shit about me)to me all the time. Whenever she's the slightest bit mad at me she loudly bitches about me to whoever is with her (usually my dad), calling me very rude names and saying very hurtful things with the clear intention of me hearing her and feeling hurt. When I'm angry at her I grin and bear it so I don't make a scene and then when everyone is gone I tell her as calmly as I can what she did that upset me. She tries to compare these but they're not the same. I never try to make her feel bad, if anything I tell her I know she didn't mean to upset me and that I just wanted her to know for the future, but she actively tries to hurt me when she's hurt and I just don't understand. I just don't know what to do, I hate living in this house, I hate that she's sweet as pie in front of everyone so no one can conceive the idea of her being purposely cruel in her words. I feel sick and trapped and like a helpless kid again when I have to listen to her tell my dad what an "untrustworthy little bitch" I am, what an "ungrateful cunt", and then compare it to how "she's always in my corner" like she hasn't given me more issues than I can fucking count. I don't understand how taking silly pictures with my teenage cousin turned into this dramatic affair, and I don't like feeling like when I was a teenager.

I'm already the most depressed I've been since I was 16, the most anxious, and my fucking ED is making a goddamn reappearance -probably because I have no control over anything in my life and am spiralling so hard I'm surprised I haven't just walked into traffic yet. I threw up my fucking dinner tonight, I feel nothing except for when everything hits me and I have a panic attack, and I've been showering multiple times a day which is never a good sign!!! I don't know what to do and I don't know who to go to. I tried getting in touch with a counselor through the university but they never bothered contacting me after I filled out the form! It was so hard to go there and ask for help, it took me so long to work up to it. I don't know if I can do it again knowing no one gave enough of a fuck to contact me. They said it would be 3-5 business days, it's been 2 weeks. My mom hates me and belittles me and if I talk to her I'll just be making it about me and then I'll be a Terrible Person™. I tried talking to my best friend yesterday but she's also having a hard time and all I'm doing is weighing her down and worrying her when she has her own shit to worry about. My other friends are either depressed enough I don't want to bother them more, or neurotypical enough that no matter how good a friend they are or how hard they try they can't understand and will say the wrong thing and I don't want to have to try and be grateful and nice when the things they suggest make me feel sad and angry, I dont want to be sad and irritated at my friends because I'm Brain Bad. It's not fair to them to expect understanding they can't have from them, and it's not fair of me to expect my friends who are already dealing with so much to deal with my shit on top of theirs. I feel alone and angry and so goddamn sad and bone deep empty. I want to eat and eat and eat until I've filled myself up but I don't want to throw up and ruin my teeth and my progress, and I don't want to be fat, but I also don't want to restrict my food and be fucking malnourished again. I'm so goddamn afraid of everything and everyone and my own goddamn brain and body and failures. I want to not exist but I'm afraid to die

More so afraid of the consequence me dying would have on my best friend and brother, the trigger it would be to my friends with their own issues. If I didn't think my death would cause a fucking domino theory style mental health collapse of the people I worry about most in the world I'd be 6 feet under I swear to fucking god. But I promised someone I wouldn't fucking kill myself if they didn't kill themself and I am not willing to be the cause of their death so here we fucking are I guess

[punkscowardschampions]

Junior & Nancy

Junior: What are you gonna do? Nancy: I've never had less of an idea Nancy: What can I do? Junior: I wish I knew for you Junior: But no, I don't Junior: By the time I worked it out, I knew it was too late but maybe if I'd said something to you, we could've avoided it playing out like this Junior: I'm sorry Nancy: Don't apologise to me, please, I can't start sobbing outside of this office Nancy: You've done nothing wrong. It's me who messed everything up Junior: I'm sorry, no wait, scrap that Junior: You can't help what you felt Junior: You're not the first person to get a crush, everyone's just acting like it for the drama of the thing Nancy: But I chose to act on it Nancy: You didn't see her face. It was... Nancy: I've got no words for it Junior: Oh, Nance Junior: There's no other way she could react, or would've Junior: I'm not judging but how did you get this caught up? Its not like you Nancy: I thought she wanted me to. Genuinely I'm not just making an excuse Nancy: We had a connection. The way we'd talk, I didn't imagine that, I can't have Junior: At best though, that could never be more than friendship, she's a married teacher, a straight one Junior: not to go over it now, you know Junior: What a mess Junior: Tristan is being Junior: its bad Nancy: He has a right to Nancy: I'm so stupid, oh my god Nancy: They couldn't hold of mum or dad yet but when they do... Junior: Yeah but, he's trying to make it something it ain't, get the anger but I wish he'd keep the gay hate to a minimum Junior: Oh God, babe Junior: how mortifying Junior: I'll find a hole to bury you in Nancy: Thanks Nancy: I've literally become a lesbian stereotype. The predatory one Nancy: If my brother ever finds out I'm gonna have to get you to bury him too Junior: We're doing our best to keep it on the DL, strictest of confidence Junior: but if your rents talk to mine, he'll suddenly take an interest no doubt, eurgh Junior: You weren't being predatory, at least, that's now how you meant it Junior: and she's in the position of power so she always had the upper hand to push you away Junior: which, I guess, she did in the end Junior: would've been helpful if she'd have clued up before now but we can't blame her Nancy: I'm gonna have to move back, aren't I? How can I stay here. I can't Nancy: I love her and I've done this to her Nancy: What if she loses her job because of me? I might have wanted him to leave her, or vice versa, but I never wanted that Junior: Not necessarily Junior: She won't Junior: Not to rub salt in an open wound but its very clear it came from you and not her Junior: Its not going to come to that Junior: There's only this year left, we can stick it out together, I've got you Junior: anyway, rumours follow, don't they? Idk how but that's the magic of teens, better if you face it head on Junior: own it in the ways you can Nancy: You make everything sound so straightforward, no play on words meant Nancy: I should have told you everything Junior: I get why you didn't Junior: it got to be real when it was just in your head Junior: wow, sounds harsh but, yeah? Nancy: I'm gonna hear much worse Nancy: At least you're coming for a good place Junior: We need to decide on your side of the story, so we can stick to it Nancy: What's the point? Everyone already knows what happened Junior: Yeah, there's definitely the key facts you're not gonna be able to run from Junior: but its all about how you sell it Nancy: What are you saying I should do? I can't throw her under the bus Junior: No, of course not Junior: I'm not explaining it well 'cos I can't do it myself Junior: but you know, the old, hold your head up high regardless of how you're really feeling Junior: acting as if you're not as phased as you are, too, not lying about what happened, just acting as like its less of a thing so people will get bored, you know? Nancy: Have you met my mum? Holding my head up high won't be a problem Nancy: Casually trained at it Junior: Yeah, no, good Junior: I know its gonna be hard Junior: but it will help this all be over sooner Nancy: That'd be nice Nancy: It's new for the rumor mill but not me Junior: How long? Nancy: Since I came here, pretty much Junior: Oh, honey Junior: That's such a long time to have those kind of feelings Nancy: I know Nancy: How did I get here? Junior: I dunno Junior: We all build things up in our minds, fantasies and that Junior: it just got out of hand because it was uncheck Junior: like I said, you're not the first or last Junior: Its okay, it will be alright Nancy: You're only saying that to make me feel better, I get that, but it's kind of working anyway Junior: I'm honestly not Junior: You know what went down wasn't cool but I think the outcome is more than enough punishment without me needing to be a dick about it Nancy: but I wouldn't blame you if you were Nancy: You asked me so many times who I fancied, if I'd just said, it would have stopped it, I would have come to my senses enough not to try and kiss her Junior: But you wanted to Junior: more than you wanted to be logical and sensible Junior: for better, or worse, as its transpired Junior: its easy to beat yourself up about it now Nancy: I should've beat myself up before hand Nancy: Repeatedly over the head Junior: I'll get you a time-turner and a mallet, like Nancy: Much appreciated Nancy: Can you arrange a bodyguard too, for Rio more than Tristan tbh Nancy: She's gonna be livid Junior: Not with you Junior: She'll get it better than me, she's had her fair share of crushes, I'm sure Nancy: Have you really not? Nancy: Envy you at this point Junior: Nope Junior: I'm like a sexless slug Nancy: They have a nicer label for that, to let you know Junior: Yeah, I'm not into that Junior: Never say never, you know Nancy: Unlike you have my judgement Nancy: Unless* Nancy: Never say never with your straight, married, teacher Junior: When is it okay to laugh cos like Nancy: Go ahead Nancy: We have to Nancy: I can't cry rn and still face everyone Nancy: I'm not THAT good at holding my head high Junior: are you gonna take some time off or just Junior: face it from the jump Nancy: I think if I walk away it'll just make it harder to come back Nancy: If I'm staying here then I need to carry on Junior: Agreed, from that POV, definitely the best thing to do Junior: but don't force yourself to do things you can't Junior: we can go cry in the toilets whenever you need, okay? Nancy: Have a gorgeous mascara moment Nancy: Maybe my mum will force on a flight back to London Junior: Maybe Junior: Or roll up on you here Junior: such fun Nancy: Oh god, she probably will Nancy: I know I brought it on myself but....please no Nancy: Parent swap with me really quick? Junior: They'd despair but give it my best Junior: At least your Dad is going to be too awkward to say anything Junior: Small blessing Nancy: I wish that was a like father like son trait Junior: Thank god for the mute button Junior: shame it doesn't cover all communications, including IRL Nancy: Honestly Nancy: If I thought I hated Irish class before Junior: Yeah, no escaping how bad that's gonna be Junior: 😬 Nancy: If I pretend I've had a straight awakening now will that make it better or worse Nancy: She turned me everybody, nothing to see here Junior: I think it'll take you from the butt of the gay jokes to the butt of the slag ones Junior: which might be easier to handle but Junior: might have to display some straightness and we're not a convincing couple to say the least Nancy: Plus you're my cousin Nancy: That'd just create more rumors Junior: Yeah preferably you're going straight for someone not in the fam Junior: Idk, who are the most elligible bachelors around Junior: Hmm Nancy: Tristan's off the table Nancy: Lovehate only happens in YA Junior: Plus, all that rage, probably closeted himself, if we're following the rules of YA to the letter Nancy: And if we're going classical, he probably wants to sleep with his mum too Junior: 🤢 Junior: oh no Junior: flip the script on 'em, go for a younger boy Junior: preferably not weird young, like year below tops Nancy: Oh god Nancy: Boys are so Nancy: Even hypothetically it's a no Junior: 😂 Junior: I don't think you're gonna be pulling this off effectively any time soon Nancy: You're right. Back to the drawing board I go Nancy: Thanks, June, for talking me off the ledge Junior: Wouldn't be worth much as a bestie if I didn't Junior: we've got this Junior: it only FEELS like the end of the world Junior: that's comforting, right? 😏 Nancy: Until I think about how bad you said Tristan is handling what happened Junior: Yeah, well, reckon Rio will be having words Junior: he just needs to get it out of his system Junior: look sufficiently sorry and miserable and he should be satisfied, then you can get on with your life, like Nancy: I do feel sorry and miserable so as long as I can get it across instead of looking like a unrepentant bitch Nancy: We'll see Junior: Yeah Junior: he's not awful, like Junior: It probably sucks having teacher parents, but that ain't a reason to take out years of frustration on this sitch Nancy: He can't be that bad, she raised him Junior: Oh, babe Junior: you've got it so bad Nancy: I wish there was a mute button for feelings Junior: You've got to start putting in the work Junior: Conscious uncoupling Nancy: That'll be as much fun as having the chat with my parents Junior: I didn't promise fun Junior: Strictly business Nancy: This is why lesbians die at the end of every movie, isn't it? Nancy: No fun Junior: Mhmm, its not just bed death you've gotta avoid Junior: its alright, you've been scorned, that'll further your plot development, no need to die today Nancy: Just living with the heartbreak then. Fantastic Junior: Unfortunately Junior: Its survivable, so I'm told Junior: and there's lots of songs and films on the subject to keep you company Nancy: You're angling for a hetero rom-com watching session because the male leads are always hot. I see you Junior: You need some straight drama in your life Junior: it will make you feel so much better about your own Nancy: Her being straight was a big part of my drama Junior: Yes and no Junior: Even if she was gay, Nance, it wouldn't have happened, alright? Junior: You need to remember that Junior: what if you have a nice lesbian lecturer at Uni, you don't wanna go through this again, thinking it'll be different Junior: its a no go whatever the circumstances Nancy: I know Nancy: I'm trying Nancy: I don't want to go through this again Junior: I know Junior: Its a complete perspective overhaul Junior: It'll take time Junior: you'll get there Nancy: I better Nancy: I don't wanna be stuck here in this place Junior: You won't be Junior: You've got a whole life of new, better experiences waiting Nancy: Brain swap? If I was as smart as you I could graduate early Junior: You're plenty smart, its truly not that far off now Junior: Final stretch Nancy: You're right. It just feels like forever rn Nancy: My own fault Junior: It does though Junior: clock watching all day every day Nancy: Definitely Nancy: Same

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: McKenna, don't suppose you've got my debit? Checking around before I cancel it Buster: Hang on, I'll have a scout Buster: Not seeing it Rio: Great Buster: Want me to call the club? They might have it Rio: Don't bother, place was so sketchy they'd probably just keep it themselves if it wasn't knicked by a random Buster: I can't remember Buster: Where were we? Rio: Gonna get far calling them then weren't ya? Rio: Krystle Rio: first in a series of bad ideas Buster: Weren't complaining at the time Buster: I remember that much Rio: Speak for yourself, dickhead Rio: that was probably some other bitch you're 'fondly remembering' over there 👌🍆 Buster: Give me some credit Buster: Even if a thief has fucked yours Rio: What, not working on your overall score last night? Buster: Wasn't in the mood strangely enough, almost like I'd been at a funeral Rio: 🙄 what a terrible inconvenience for you Rio: not what she woulda wanted for you, respect the dead's wishes Buster: Too busy fulfilling the wishes of the living Rio: Sure, didn't need that much convincing Rio: Didn't fuck my brains out, lad Buster: I'm not the one acting like I did Buster: It happened I'm not gonna cry about it Rio: Fucking should Rio: Your Ma certainly would Rio: mine too if she weren't otherwise engaged Buster: Fuck that Buster: She's got room to talk Buster: Her and my dad grew up together just like we did Rio: Hm Rio: True enough, McKenna Rio: just following family tradition of being fucked up Buster: Following in my parents footsteps like a good lad Rio: well, I'd suggest you find another cousin to maintain the legacy with but if you go near any of them I will kill you myself Buster: Nice to know that's what you think of me Rio: Did you expect a different reception? Rio: What the fuck Buster: Don't drag them into this shit, alright? Buster: We did it. Us Buster: I'm not collecting cousins Rio: I'm not saying I didn't but I know my reasoning Rio: Why did you? Buster: 'cause I wanted to Rio: No shit, I knew that, I was there, remember? Rio: but why, and fuck it, don't need to tell me but ask yourself maybe Buster: I don't know what magic words you're expecting Buster: It's not that deep Rio: Don't be stupid Rio: I want to know what's wrong with you Buster: Ain't nothing wrong here Rio: Fine Rio: Whatever helps you sleep at night, McKenna Buster: I can pay for a shrink, Cavante, I don't need your amateur attempts Rio: So can I Rio: Dunno if the funds will stretch for all 9 of us though Rio: Spare a thought Buster: I already do Rio: Does your philanthropy know no bounds? Rio: Feeling the love Buster: Surprised you've got room next to the guilt Rio: what the fuck are you saying Buster: Such a big mistake, yeah? Rio: yeah, what else could it be? Buster: A good time Buster: They're in short supply around here right now Rio: Whatever you say Rio: Not like this kind of thing isn't what got me here in first place Buster: Drew being a perv had nothing to do with you Rio: You're wrong Rio: hardly one-sided either Buster: Yeah it was Buster: Everyone knows that Rio: I thought he was hot, I'd say as much, I flirted with him Buster: Even if you were wet for him you'd never have gone there Buster: You wouldn't do it to Indie Buster: She idolises that cunt. Or did Rio: Wouldn't I? Rio: Think what you like, I don't wanna talk about it anymore Buster: We don't have to, but come on, Rio, it ain't about what I think Rio: No, it ain't Rio: Don't matter what any of us think or say Rio: too late Buster: It's his fuck up Buster: not yours Rio: and where the fuck is he then? did you see him at the funeral crying his heart out? Rio: 'cos I fucking didn't Buster: No Buster: I wish I had, I'd knock him out Rio: Lol Rio: no one would be rushing to stop you Buster: Good Buster: You at home? Rio: why? wanna come round and meet the parents? Buster: Of course Buster: Parents love me Rio: you love yourself Rio: and stop trying to make me laugh Buster: Yeah, and? Buster: I'm not trying anything Buster: Natural gifts, babe Rio: Everyone's got to have something they're good at, suppose Buster: Man of many gifts Buster: Won't rub it in though Buster: Sore enough today, aren't ya? Rio: Don't push it, McKenna Rio: what I should have said Rio: nothing but grazes from the wall, handled worse Buster: I'll wait 'til tonight if you don't like it in the cold light of day Buster: Since you were saying everything but then Rio: and you've never said anything you regret in the moment, eh? Rio: must've said something to Chlo you didn't mean for her to be so 😍 Buster: What's the point if it worked at the time Buster: She heard what she wanted to hear, I never lied Buster: I'm not gonna feel bad for how she interprets things Rio: Heaven forbid Buster McKenna ever feels bad about anything 😜 Buster: Why should I? Rio: If you've done something wrong Rio: but fair on her, not saying otherwise there, she's clearly a 🐰🍲 Buster: Like I said, ain't nothing wrong here Buster: Cheers for the backup on that though Rio: Perhaps not in your fam Rio: but people as a whole would disagree there Buster: I can't speak for anyone but myself, babe Rio: You're seriously infuriating Rio: But I'm sure you already knew that 😏 Buster: Today I'm actually not trying to be Buster: It is what it is I guess Rio: Old habits Rio: Wouldn't be right if you were nice all of a sudden Buster: Yeah Buster: And I do aim to please so Rio: Thanks Rio: for not falling back on cliches 'cos you don't know what else to say Buster: Again, gimme some credit like Rio: Nah Rio: give you an inch, like Buster: Can't argue that, good as I am at it Rio: tell me, had you considered a career in law? 🤔 Rio: how's uni going anyway? Buster: Acing it as per Rio: 🙄 Glad I asked Rio: still, nice to be near Jay, less desirable to be near her Ma but what you gonna do Buster: Too right Buster: I've got her for a few days when I go back Buster: Chlo is treating this time in Dublin like it's a holiday and reckons she deserves one Rio: Naturally Rio: everyone knows how rowdy Irish wakes get Rio: practically Ibiza with the lads Rio: at least you actually enjoy having your kid around so not the punishment she intends it to be Buster: Exactly Buster: You can come see her if you're that way Buster: And want Rio: Better not, eh Rio: Cute distraction, as she is Buster: I'll pass it on Buster: She don't hold a grudge for long yet Rio: she can't even hold her own head up Rio: come for me when you've got object permanence, babe 😂 Buster: Made you laugh Rio: You're baby-brained, McKenna Rio: telling me you've got my nose in a sec Buster: You'd fall for it Rio: Fuck off 😂 Rio: Might not be a Mum but I've got 9 youngers I've been entertaining since the cradle days Rio: 10 if you count Indie Rio: well, back down to 9 now, ha Buster: How is she? Rio: Fucked Rio: Not only is her Dad worse than she let slide already Rio: well, you know Rio: Hi sis, bye sis Rio: I'm doing my best to look after her but Buster: If there's anything Buster: Call me, yeah? Rio: Yeah Rio: Got a cape? Buster: I'll splash the cash this afternoon Buster: Consider it done Rio: fit the ego Rio: oops i meant alter-ego Buster: Nah you didn't Rio: Nope 😘 Buster: I'll let you go and cancel your cards then Buster: Unless there's anything else Rio: One last thing Buster: Go on Rio: Reckon we're going to hell? Buster: Fuck that Buster: There's no god to judge us Rio: I'd like to think so Rio: so, just this once, take your word on it Buster: I won't tell anyone it's alright Buster: You can carry on letting everyone know I talk shit Rio: And who's rep are you really protecting there? Rio: Sneaky Rio: I see you Buster: You always have done Buster: Doubt yourself on whatever else you want but that's not up for debating Rio: Too right Rio: Buster I Rio: Never mind actually Rio: you can go Buster: Fuck off leaving me hanging like Buster: What? Rio: Hang on Rio: Just debating if I lie or that's even more shaming Buster: Just tell me Rio: I wanna see you again Rio: before you go Buster: I'll be there Buster: Where are you now? Rio: Sofa surfing Rio: Come get me Buster: Text me the address Buster: I'm getting in the car Rio: On it Buster: See you in 10 Rio: Hurry Rio: no don't Rio: that was a fucking stupid thing to say Rio: be careful, okay? Buster: I promise you