#to see these young kids/teenagers getting roped into a dangerous lifestyle and actively

[wiitzend]

trying not to get worked up over something i saw on youtube so i'll just say this: the complete and utter lack of empathy in people is truly frightening, especially when its aimed at yound children. how can you even fuction as a person with that much hate in your heart.

[its-an-inevitability]

Week 0 - Pre Challenge Questions

I have taken the questions from this post from FMLS90. That challenge is over but I think it is super valuable so I am going to try it alone :)

Question 1: My Journey So Far

I’ve struggled with eating well/ my weight since I was about 16. As a kid I was average weight. I never saw myself as thin because I didn’t have one of those tiny frames with little wrists or limbs but I was genuinely just average. And honestly, I was cute af. Until I was a teenager, I don’t think I was ever self conscious of my appearance.

This is a mixed bag now, because I think the reason I put on weight as a teenager is because I had more choice over my own food intake and more money to buy junk food, but I didn’t really care about weight or health. I loved chocolate, end of story.

Mum would gently tell me I could probably eat less chocolate and lose a few kilos but I would just roll my eyes at her. Maybe I was somewhat self conscious but I chose to ignore her rather than listen. I was always active as a kid, not because I was good at sport but because I liked it and it was kind of just our lifestyle. I played netball and went to the beach and jumped on the trampoline. My mum would never in a million years go to the gym and she never modeled any diet behaviour around me (despite successfully losing a lot of weight and keeping it off when I was a young kid) so I had no idea that I was supposed to exercise regularly on purpose specifically for weight management which was a difficult thing that I’m still trying to accept, because while sport is fun, exercise doesn’t often feel the same.

When I was in Year 12 I got into ‘exercise’ for weight loss’s sake, so I would look good at the Year 12 Formal. I had a dramatic crush on a boy with a girlfriend and the whole thing ended in flames and me feeling not good enough. A lot of that I directed into feeling like my body was the problem, as if it all would have worked out/ he would have chosen me if I’d only been skinnier. Now, given that this was like 8 years ago and I have distance, I can see that I was cute af at 17, and while not at all perfect in either personality or looks, there was nothing wrong with me and I’m sorry I felt otherwise. I was just a dorky kid.

The end of high school came and I got a gym membership for the first time and my best friend and I descended into some problematic eating and exercise behaviours. We counted calories and stayed under 1200 and lost some kilos but it devolved pretty quickly as we couldn’t keep it up but we were both left with scars from it in the form of dangerous beliefs about weight loss and a compulsion to be competitive and lose weight in unhealthy ways. We were both intelligent girls and we wanted to be healthy but the fitspo line is very grey sometimes.

Over the next few years I was on and off engaging in challenges to lose weight. Not like this one, but 12 week affairs where I would keep it up before falling off the wagon. About once or twice a year I could manage it but the rest of the time I would eat and binge a lot and not exercise much.

I’ve now finished uni and am working full time as a psychologist. It’s a lot harder to manage eating well and exercising when I have a job because I feel so much more time poor but I do believe now I’ve been working 8 months, I can give it a go again.

I want to get engaged this year and I want to look beautiful when I do. I know beauty and weight are not synonymous but this drives me for now. I want to be healthier and eat more home cooked meals and exercise regularly. I hope I can sustain myself throughout the next 90 days.

Question 2:  What are some of your high level goals for the rest of the year?

1) Lose 20kg by September 1st.

2) Fit into my old size 12 clothing by September 1st.

3) Be able to run 5kms regularly May 1st.

4) Be able to cook a larger repertoire of meals through developing meal plans throughout the year.

Question 3: Talk about your support structure. Who are your champions?

My partner is my main support. We live together and he provides endless emotional support and calmness to me.

My three closest girlfriends are only ever a group chat message away. 

My parents are local and complimentary so they will serve as a source of inspiration (getting them to notice/ bragging to them as I reach achievements).

Question 4: What are some of your unique challenges? How do you plan to overcome them?

For me, motivation is fickle. It’s either 110% or -110%. When I’m in it, like I am now, I don’t want to consume a block of chocolate every day but I did that for about 7 months and couldn’t stop myself because the physical addition or habit of it was so intensely powerful. That’s why my main January goal is to never consume a whole block of chocolate in a day. I ordinarily don’t like to set ‘dead persons goals’ i.e. goals that a dead person can complete better than I can, but for me I believe that this is part of how I drop the mental struggle and improve the probability that I will stay on track. If my brain thinks it can weasel me into saying yes to a block of chocolate next time I’m grocery shopping, the tug of war will wear me down. If I can drop the rope and say it’s not an option, that is an easier battle.

I am allowing myself regular sized chocolate bars as needed, just not the big blocks. Trying to use moderation though given the black and white way I tend to see weight loss, I’ll likely not eat them until the day I eat all of them.

I’ve practiced maintaining motivation for 12 months by using Duolingo to learn French and I have a streak I’ve maintained since last January to prove it. Motivation doesn’t always last and there are harder periods than others, it definitely comes in waves but when motivation is low, it’s just finding a reason to do the low effort version until I get back into it again. I’m hoping to bring that attitude to this.

Question 5: How public or private are you as a person? How much of your fitness Journey do you plan to share here and with your friends and family?

Pretty private, this whole post is giving me rashes just writing it but I want something to help keep me motivated and accountable. And these questions actually have not been half bad. I’ve enjoyed thinking about the answers.