#to my mutuals that have front row seats to my evil plotting ways yes I’m referring to THAT fic

[happypeachsludgeflower]

I don’t always make Feng Xin suffer, but when I do? God do I make that man suffer. He’s just my little meow meow and I want to see him cry 🥸

[arituzz]

Famous Last Words 2

-SNOWBAZ-

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10]

Summary: When your family was a wreck and your perfect girlfriend just left you for your irritating classmate, the only way to carry on was to make a truce with the enemy, right?

OR

High school AU in which Simon and Baz pretend to be boyfriends to save Simon’s love life.

Chapter word count: 3.2k

Rating: T

Tags: High School AU, fake boyfriends, mutual pining, fluff, a little bit of angst

Also on AO3

Thanks to @eroticgropefest for being my amazing beta :)

Not often had Simon seen Penny speechless. His best friend was used to all kinds of situations, so she wasn’t easily surprised. But Simon was.

But now they were both clearly gobsmacked.

Simon heard Penny almost choking on her tea, before someone--probably Rhys--nudged him and brought his attention back to Baz.

Right. Baz.

“I-- Uhm.” Simon stared in shock at the dark skinned boy standing in front of him. He looked at his dark boots, at his dark clothes, at his dark nails. At his dark hair. At his dark grey eyes. Everything about him was dark. “Yes,” he said finally. “I’ll go out with you.”

“Uhm. Okay, then,” Baz said, nodding his head.

“Yeah.” Simon didn’t know what he was supposed to say. Or do. Should they shake hands? Should he stand up and hug Baz? Kiss him?

Fortunately, Baz interrupted Simon’s thoughts before they got too awkward. “I- I’m going to…” Baz was stuttering. Baz, stuttering. That was a first. “I g-guess...” And a second. Simon never thought he’d live to witness that. “I will… see you later?”

“Y-yeah.” (Simon always stuttered.)

And like that, Baz turned around and left. No kiss. No hug. Nothing.

Simon grabbed his cup of tea only to give his hands something to do, and took a sip.

After the embarrassing exchange, a thick and uncomfortable silence had settled in the dining hall. And, Simon believed, the whole planet.

But it didn’t last long.

Luckily for everyone but Simon, Penny regained the ability to speak, pressing play on the world. “What the fuck, Simon?” she almost shouted. The rest of the students in the dining hall went back to whatever they were doing before the apocalypse.

“What the hell was that, mate?” Rhys followed. It was definitely a good question.

Simon had no idea what to say. “Oh. Did I forget to mention that I...” he started. “That Baz-- That we-- Like each other?”

It’s not like he could tell them the truth. They knew Agatha. Plus, they’d never approve. Lying was the easiest option.

“Clearly,” Penny said. “When did this happen, Simon?” Oh no. Penelope was in interrogation mode.

Simon’s tea was already cold. And it was not like he could magically heat it, so he left it on the table again, letting out an exasperated sigh. “It just happened right now, Penny. He asked me out. You heard,” he said. Simon was equally clueless about the whole Baz-actually-asking-him-out situation. Baz was supposed to find someone to be Simon’s partner, not volunteer himself. That wasn’t what he meant at all. It didn’t make sense.

“And you said yes,” Penny continued.

Wait. That was true. “Yeah.” Why the fuck did he say yes?

“Because you like him,” Penny said, as if she could hear Simon’s thoughts.

“Yeah.”

“And he likes you,” she went on.

“Yeah.” Simon was in automatic mode.

After thinking it for a moment, she said, “This is weird, Simon.”

“Yeah,” Simon agreed.

“But it kind of…” Penny looked at Simon the same way she looked at a tricky math problem when she was about to solve it. “Makes sense,” she finished.

“Yea-- What?” What had Penelope just said?

“You’ve been obsessed with him since first year at Watford High,” she explained. “You even followed him everywhere in fifth.”

No. That wasn’t why he followed Baz. “Because he was plotting,” Simon said.

Wasn’t anyone going to help him with the Penelope Inquisition? Everybody knew Baz and Simon were enemies. But no, all his friends were silent, witnessing the butchery. What a bunch of traitors.

“Plotting what?” Penny asked.

“How to sabotage my grades.” Simon just wanted to get out of there, find Baz and drag an explanation out of him.

Penny pursed her lips together. “Simon, you do that yourself better than anyone.”

“But he was planning to ruin the school play!” Simon protested.

“Simon,” Penny sounded as if she didn’t believe him. “You can stop pretending now. He’s your boyfriend.”

“Yeah. My boyfriend.” It sounded so weird.

“Can you stop?” Penny asked.

“Stop what?”

“The yeah thing. Use your words, Simon,” she said. “Come on, tell me everything.”

“Yeah, tell us, mate,” Gareth joined in. What a Judas. “When did you realise what you felt for each other wasn’t hate, but you know,” he said, arching his eyebrows. Simon could practically see Gareth doing one of his pelvic thrusts, as he said that. Why did he have to make all this even more awkward? “Infatuation?” he continued. Yeah, much better with his mouth shut.

Simon stood up. The classes were about to start again and he needed to talk to Baz. “I have to uhm... go find my...” It was still weird to say it. “Boyfriend.”

 xxx

 Simon managed to escape from his friends’ inquiries and went in search of the one who had put him in all this mess. He ran through the corridors but could not find that bastard who was now his… boyfriend.

He found Trixie’s girlfriend in one of the corridors. Maybe she could help him.

“Have you seen Baz?” Simon asked. Keris looked at him with a confused expression. “This tall?” Simon continued. “Dresses like he lives in a funeral? Eats souls for fun?”

“Snow, I fucking know who Baz is,” she said, bringing a hand to her face. “Why are you looking for him?”

“Oh, uhm. We’re sort of… together,” he said. “As in, a couple, you know? Boyfriends.” Yes. Still, weird.

“What,” Keris said, more an exclamation than a question. “Why?”

Simon had no time for this. “Keris, have you seen him or not?”

“No, but--”

Simon didn’t wait for her to finish. He had to find Baz.

He was in front of Baz’s locker when the bell for next period rang. Shit. The talking would have to wait.

Simon was out of breath when he entered the classroom. The questioning eyes of his classmates didn’t help at all, and Baz looking up at him only made it worse. Simon closed his eyes, as if steadying himself, took a deep breath and went to sit beside him. It had been so long without Baz that Simon had almost forgot he sat side by side with the devil. Almost.

Everyone was watching them, Agatha included. Simon had to do something. So, he rested his left hand on top of Baz’s right one and laced their fingers together. He could feel Baz tensing under his grip.

Agatha stared at them from her seat, two rows ahead of them on the left. Simon wasn’t sure of what he saw in Agatha’s expression. He couldn’t tell who she was jealous over in this situation. Or if she was even jealous at all. Maybe the whole plan was stupid. But it was not like Baz to do stupid things. Evil, yes; stupid, no. He was definitely up to something.

“Hey,” said Baz, his eyes fixed on Simon’s hand. He looked rather uncomfortable, although Simon could have sworn Baz was blushing beneath his dark skin.

Baz’s hand was cold. No, not cold. Simon knew cold, but this was something else entirely. It was freezing. Simon felt the urge to cradle it between both his hands and give him some of his own warmth.

“Hey,” Simon said. So, now would be a good time to talk about their relationship.

But they were interrupted by Miss Possibelf, who started giving her lesson. Neither of them made a move to pull away. It felt weird. Not repulsive weird but… good weird, if that even made sense. Eventually, though, they had to use their hands to take their notebooks and textbooks out. It surprised Simon that he felt even colder without Baz’s hand under his.

Unlike Simon, Baz was left-handed, which was normally a good thing -- they could both take notes without bothering each other too much. But now, the fact that they could hold hands and write at the same time was rather distracting. Simon tried to focus on the lesson but he couldn’t pay any attention at all.

They exchanged a couple of uncomfortable looks but they didn’t say anything to each other until the classes finished. Then, Baz gathered his things and was out of the room in a heartbeat. Simon ran after him.

Just then Simon noticed Baz was limping. He’d been too distracted before to see it.

“Baz!” Simon grabbed Baz’s hand but he snatched it away.

“What do you want Snow--” Baz started, but then he seemed to notice everyone was looking and added, “--flake?”

He’d just called Simon snowflake. “Uhm. Do you…” Simon started. He wanted to talk to Baz about the relationship thing, but he also had to go to work. “Do you… want to walk me to work?”

“Oh.” Baz looked like he’d just remembered something, and took Simon’s hand into his, lacing their fingers together again. “Is it far?”

Simon let himself linger on the cold warmth of Baz’s touch. “A little,” he said. “It’s downtown.”

“I’ll give you a ride, then.”

 xxx

 Simon followed Baz to the school parking. Well, it was more letting himself be dragged than actually following him.

As soon they got outside the school building, Baz let go of Simon, took a packet of cigarettes from his leather jacket pocket and lit one.

Simon didn’t know what to do with his hands so he just put them in his hoodie pocket. They were more sweaty than usual.

“Want one?” Baz asked, offering Simon the cigarette he’d just lit.

“No!” Simon snarled. The possibility of an indirect kiss didn’t make it any less disgusting.

They walked side by side until Baz made them stop in front of a burgundy sports car. A Jaguar. His father’s, Simon guessed.

“What about your bike?” Simon asked.

Baz arched an eyebrow at him. “It’s getting fixed.”

“Oh.” Simon realised then, with rising concern that he really wanted Baz to give him a ride on his bike.

Baz tossed the cigarette to the floor, before jumping into the driver’s seat. He had it started before Simon had even opened the passenger door, and a loud music started playing, coming apparently straight from hell. As soon as Simon was inside, Baz jerked out of the parking spot and gunned the motor, driving as fast as he could down the busy street.

Simon turned the volume down as he went through the stack of CDs in the car: My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park, Panic! at the Disco, System of a Down, Fall Out Boy. All of them with rather disturbing cover art. “Jesus,” he said, “how can you like this music?”

Baz didn’t take his eyes off the road. “I just do.”

“It’s depressing.”

“It’s expressive,” Baz said. “Life is not a stupid musical, Simon.”

“I know, trust me.” Simon left the CDs back in their place and resigned to just listen to what was already playing. “It’s just-- It doesn’t hurt to try and be a bit optimistic sometimes, you know?”

Baz glanced at Simon sideways, his grip visibly tensing on the steering wheel. “Maybe, for some of us, it does.”

Simon considered and discarded talking about it, and just settled to listening to the music.

He couldn’t help imagining Baz singing along. Dancing to it. How was one even supposed to dance to this? But, it turned out, Baz was right: It was expressive. Simon had to admit it wasn’t so bad after all.

There was a particular song that caught Simon’s attention, and he could almost hear Baz singing the lyrics: I am not afraid to keep on living...

“Snow.”

“Uh?”

“I said, where do you work?”

“Oh. Right.” Simon had forgotten about work completely. He looked round to see where they were. “Shit. Turn around,” he said. They had already passed Ebb’s shop. Baz gave the car a sharp turn, which miraculously didn’t end up fatal. “Yeah now turn left,” Simon continued. “Here,” he said as he saw the sign Lilacs’n’Roses. “It’s here.”

Baz pulled over to the kerb, right before the shop. “Okay, then,” he said.

Simon looked at the car’s digital clock: 3:50 pm. He didn’t have to work until four, so it seemed like the perfect time to talk about their relationship. “Uhm. Baz.”

“What?”

“I have ten more minutes.”

Baz cocked a questioning eyebrow at him. “So?”

“Let’s talk about our… relationship,” Simon said, turning around to look better at Baz.

“There is no relationship,” Baz said. “You do realise this is fake, right?”

“I do. But…” Simon stared down at his hands. “Don’t you think Agatha might get jealous of me instead?”

“Not if she thinks I’m gay.”

“Oh.” Simon hadn’t thought about that.

“Anything else?”

Simon looked back up at Baz. “What do you win with all this?” he asked.

Baz shifted his gaze to the street and went silent for a moment. “You’ll help me with something,” Baz said, finally.

“With what?”

“I will tell you, but not now.”

“When?” Simon pressed.

“Fuck, Snow.” Baz was clearly annoyed. “I’ll tell you when I tell you. Get out of the car.”

Simon reached for the door handle but he turned around in the last second. “One more thing,” he said.

“What now?” Baz said, exasperated.

“Give me your number.”

“Why?”

“Boyfriends are supposed to have each other’s number.”

“Fine.” Baz reached over, and for a moment--a split second--Simon believed Baz was going to kiss him. But he just opened the glove compartment. Baz took his eyeliner pencil and  grabbed Simon’s left wrist, rolling his sleeve up. With impossibly neat handwriting he wrote down what Simon guessed was his phone number. “There. Don’t smudge it.”

Simon wondered if that was what Baz did to all the pretty girls he met at his satanic rituals. Was that how he flirted?

Now, what? Were they going to kiss now? And just like that it hit Simon like a bolt of lightning -- eventually they would have to kiss. Directly. And certain thoughts were very difficult to unthink.

“Shit. I’m late,” Simon said as he stomped out of the car. “Bye.”

 xxx

 “Hey, Ebb!” Simon shouted as he entered the shop. “Sorry I’m late!”

Ebb was the nicest person Simon knew. And surprisingly intuitive with people, for someone who spent her life with plants. “Hiya Simon--ahoy!” she shouted, cheerfully. “S’that your boyfriend?”

“What? Baz? No!” Simon said. “I mean… yes,” he corrected. Because Baz was his boyfriend, officially. And, somehow, the way Ebb’s eyes sparkled made it impossible for Simon to tell her the truth. To let her down. “How do you know?”

“The way ya look at each other,” Ebb laughed. “And to think you used to be at each other’s throats.”

“We still are at each other’s throats! I mean… we…”

“Simon, s’okay.” Ebb patted Simon heartily on the back. That simple gesture had never failed to make Simon feel better. Simon wished he could live with Ebb and take care of plants with her forever, instead of dealing with Davy at what he was supposed to call home. “Now, let’s make something for your boyfriend, yeah?” she said, with a pot of basil on her hands.

“Yeah… okay.”

 xxx

 Simon arrived home with his head full of thoughts about Baz and the general strangeness of the day. Thankfully, Davy was nowhere to be seen--he was probably still at school--so Simon could go around the house and talk to Cherry and Scone without worrying to be overheard by his father.

Simon liked to talk to his cats. He wasn’t good speaking with people, but it was different when it came to animals. And plants.

He told them about Baz as he fed them, and then went to take a shower.

As Simon took off his hoodie, he remembered he still had Baz’s phone number on his forearm. It was a bit smudged but it was still legible.

Simon took his phone from his pocket and dialed in the number to save it. As he did, he hit the wrong button and accidentally pressed call.

“Hello?” a husky voice at the other end said.

Fuck. Simon hang up immediately.

He wasn’t prepared for a phone call right then, so he just finished stripping and stepped into the shower. For Simon, showers were a relaxing way to end the day and wash the problems away.

After the shower, Davy wasn’t yet home, so Simon grabbed some bread and made himself a sandwich. When he was done, he went straight to bed.

The intensity of the day made Simon exhausted, but at the same time, he found it difficult to get any sleep. After that awkward phone call, Simon thought he should say something to Baz. So, he grabbed his phone and typed:

thank you

And then he added:

for being my boyfriend

Then, Simon realised Baz didn’t have his number, so he added simon at the end and pressed send.

And then he wished he hadn’t because it sounded confusing. So, he sent Baz another text:

im simon

No answer came through. Maybe Baz was busy at that moment, Simon thought. He’d respond when he got the time.

Eventually, Simon fell asleep waiting for a reply.

 xxx

 The following day Simon woke up to a text from Baz:

You are a terrible boyfriend

He had sent it very late at night and Simon wondered what he’d been doing.

Simon smiled at his phone screen. It’s strange how some things make you smile for no particular reason, Simon thought.

The trip to school was different from other days, better. Simon felt somehow lighter. It was a strange sensation. Unfamiliar.

Baz sat with Simon and his friends at breakfast. He didn’t say a word and no one said anything to him, either, but it wasn’t as bad as Simon would have thought.

Agatha looked at them from her table and Simon fought the urge to go and invite her to their table. It should take a bit more time for that to happen.

Simon joined Baz’s table at lunch, with Dev and Niall.

“Gentlemen,” Baz said. “Have you met Simon? My…”

“Boyfriend,” Simon supplied. It started to feel less weird.

Niall looked up at Simon, indifferent. “Might have heard of him.”

 xxx

 They ended up establishing it as a routine: Breakfast with Simon’s friends, lunch with Baz’s minions--Baz called them that, not Simon.

It wasn’t until Friday that Baz’s friends actually addressed Simon.

“Hey, what are you doing this weekend?” Dev asked to both of them. “Another romantic date of yours?”

Another?

“Yes…” Baz started, his voice faltering just a bit. “We’re going to…”

Simon looked at Baz, who was staring at him with an awkward expression, as if silently screaming for help.

“The cinema,” Baz said at the same time Simon said, “The Wavering Cafe.”

“The cinema and then the Wavering Cafe,” Baz clarified.

“Are you bringing him to the gig?” Dev asked.

Simon couldn’t help inquiring, “What gig?”

“Hasn’t he told you? We are in a band,” Dev explained.

No, Baz hadn’t told him. “What?” was all Simon could say.

“The Insidious Humdrum,” Dev said. “We’re playing at the World of Mages on Saturday night.”

The Insidious Humdrum. Were they even serious?

“Hey, you should bring your friends,” suggested Niall.

“No,” Baz instantly growled.

“What?” Niall said. “The more the merrier.”

Simon wasn’t sure if this was another evil scheme of Baz’s, but then he realised that even if he knew for sure that it was a trap, he’d still go in. “We’ll be there,” he said.

Niall smirked, pleased. “Good.”

 xxx

 The ride to work was better than other days. Simon didn’t hate the music at all, anymore--though he wouldn’t tell Baz. And he kept imagining Baz playing the songs, singing them. He couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Baz was in a band. What did he do in the band? Was he the singer?

Baz parked the car with his usual lack of delicacy--not of skill, though, Simon had to admit.

“Guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” Baz asked.

Simon’s stomach did something very weird. “Yeah. My place. At four.”

“Send me the directions,” Baz said. He stared at Simon for a moment and then leaned closer. “Bye, love,” he said. And then he kissed Simon.

Simon’s heart did the same thing his stomach had done just seconds before. And then there was nothing else -- just Baz’s cold lips against Simon’s, and the fact that he didn’t entirely hate it. But as suddenly as it had started, the kiss ended, and Simon was left again with that strange stiff sensation that came after being in touch with Baz’s skin. “Bye b-babe,” he managed to say.

[Chapter 3]