#to find some reason to justify that and grt pity for it <- THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I THINK HAVING OCD MAKES YOU EVIL i dont i dont i just | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

itsalwaysdark · 24 hours ago

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kind of stupid how many of my posts are like Um guys im obsessing over something . and i feel compelled to do something about it to the point that my life is in disarray. out of order some would say. is there any possible explanation for this or do i just need to be shot in the head

#whenever im disclaimer connor i need you guys to imagine me gently flittering down from above the stage and ive got a really obvious like #harness on this is how im up in the air ig its a stage production visual alright. and i flitter down and im wearing a beautiful pink slash #opalescent pearlescent whichever one of those is the one i mean. okay. and then i do my disclaiming. with the visuals tackled disclaimer #connor here i do ummm. I know that my symptoms r very similar and i promise im not stupid like ik DJFNJFNF im not in denial i just struggle #with ummm. feeling like im faking it very hard my journal is full of pages of me just like writing e ery single explanation for how im #actually faking all of it to trick people and all of that . and its not that i dont think i have it But its that when i say that i have to #disclaim that a very common thing i worry about is that i am just pretending to have it and subconsciously mimicking it so i whenever i #acknowledge i might be ocd i have to come in and be like WELL either i have ocd OR im a horrible horrible horrible person and im just trying #to find some reason to justify that and grt pity for it <- THAT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I THINK HAVING OCD MAKES YOU EVIL i dont i dont i just #mean a lot of the things i worry about Most of them r abt checking to make sure im a good person and also as sort of a second layer #convincing myself im a bad person Bc i worry so much abt being a good person which could only mean that im bad and trying to hide it and #trick everyone . okay. does this make sense to you guys or do i sound like a crazy and evil person im trying to phrase it...#i feel like i just come off stupid but i promise i know that it sounds like ocd and ik that it probably is its judt that my brain is coded #to talk in circles so i cant Outright say i have ocd bc thats faking* and its just me trying to find a reason to be lazy abt being a good #person* by making my worries abt morality out to be a bad thing. you know #*These are nonsensical rules my brain made up and not applicable to anybody else except for me of course . deeply selfcentered person #anyways sorry i realized ive just rambled and restated the same point 8000 times i hope what i am saying is understandable. but i dont like #it basically but idrk what to do abt it so i try to just not think abt it at all but the issue is that its pretty much all i think abt #pretty much always im thinking about all the ways i might be being evil and every single thing i do i have to worry about all of it #and im really just ummm. tired. and ik its my fault and i need to just get over and stop being weird abt everything but its hard for me to #tell what are things i should be thinking abt and minding and like. what do i need to be checking myself on vs what doesnt matter and doesnt #mean anything . so yes . its like theres supposed to be a Fast thinking option in my brain but the sorting is broken so everything only gets #sent to morality examination and panic area you know. if this makes sense...

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