#to express yknow? i constantly repress that shit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

puppygirlkat · 1 year

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I was always a different kid. I kissed boys and had crushes on them, i acted effeminate, i liked to play with barbies enough that my mom got me dolls to play with. And... i got bullied mercilessly for it, because i was a little faggot kid. Some of it got beaten out of me, i stopped looking at boys eventually because all the boys would hit me for expressing interest in them. But i still desired, and i wished for a day where i could just leave my "fags go to hell" dad and peers behind and never see them again, and date boys like i wanted. And idk. It took a while for the conditioning to really wear off, i had sex with randos off craigslist in my early early 20s but i still felt distant from men. I... didnt like masculinity. I wanted to find other boys like me who were effeminate and open, not dl dudes. And i kind of stagnated, entering into relationships with women or perceived women, somewhat half heartedly. I thought girls were cute and i subconsciously wanted to be cute. When i first encountered the idea of transness and nonbinariness it was... people deriding it. It was people talking about crazy trannies online and making fun of them. And... i didnt quite understand. Men who wanted to be women were always crazy, according to people, and i thought well im hysterical and crazy so that cant be me. And... it was my friends in world of warcraft making fun of these people. And i had a crush on one of them who it turned out was homophobic. So i just repressed further and further. And years passed and i just sat with this. I was constantly around people who derided trans women as freaks. And i just sat there thinking yknow girls with dicks are kinda hot, i dont understand this. I didnt really understand why people had such vitriol and ridicule, to me it was like so what if girls have dicks, dicks are great. And i retreated into myself and thought. And over time i began making connections and remembering things and it all came to a head when i was funnily enough watching anime about cute girls that hatch out of eggs. I had been slowly more and more considering you know why dont i feel connected to masculinity why am i so weird, and then it just hit me while watching these girls talk about their feelings. I had these feelings. I relate to these girls a lot. Feeling lost and hopeless and scared. Why do i relate to these girls so much. I am a girl. Oh fuck im a girl. And i panicked. And i felt i had to leave, i didnt know who i could trust to be accepting of me or who would be shit to me. So i just. Detached from everyone i knew. Disappeared, deleted. And... i dont know. It was certainly a decision i made. I have talked to some people again. Years later. I... dont really know how i feel thinking back on my life. It led me here. Trying very hard to not be gay made me turn into a massive faggot, or maybe i always was one. And... i dunno. Im happy now, i dont have people being shitters to me. I get to suck and fuck as much as i want. I live a pretty quiet life. I guess i ended up where i wanted. Ive been kind of writing off the top of my head for almost an hour at this point, i think im gonna wrap it up.

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some-random-fandom-chick · 2 years

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Welp guess this is gonna be my journal for a lil bit cause my therapist is leaving BetterHelp for a better job!

Yes I know BetterHelp is absolute dog shit but it was either that or wait almost a year for NHS help that won't work with ny autistic ass. Lesser of two evils in this case. I needed help and frankly didn't trust myself to wait that long.

Si being autistic, change sucks. I keep having to change my schedule at work. An office job. You wouldn't think that would be an issue but it is and I hate it. My team leader constantly forgers to tell me shit so I'm finding out I'm no longer working with the second team and returning to only working for my original team from the lovely lady who's been giving me a ride to work. Because my team leader is a moron.

Oh and that lady is leaving for another Jon very soon too so I'm back to getting the bus to work. Bus tickets currently have a price cap so I don't mind sticking to the 9-5 and paying for the early faire. But as soon as that price caps ends in March, I'm going bac k to using my disability bus pass so I can travel for free because I am not spending £20 a week just to get to work. But my bus pass isn't valid until 9.30am which means changing my hours to make sure I'm still doing 40 hours a week and accommodating the fact that using my bus pass means the earliest I can get into the is 10.45am AGAIN

DnD night also changed but that's just a small thing. StrW that broke the camel's back yknow? Not to mention a hell of a lot of anger because my emotionally neglectful ableist mother and my racist absent recovering alcoholic father sent me a card each for the festive season. So. Much anger because how dare they when I've made it perfectly clear I don't want them in my life. But also I dont express my anger in a healthy way because I never learned how so rhats currently eating me alive on the inside as well as every other emotion I still instinctively repress because I'm British, autistic, female from a chaotic house hold an a recovering people pleaser.

I am McFucking going through it my dudes and I decent go into thus much detail on discord with my friends because they've all got shit going on. But I'm also well aware that that may just be my self isolation tendencies kicking in along with ny chronic loneliness.

Feeling jnstead of intellectualising is fucking hard and I'm trying to let to fell and unmask.

It ain't going well folks!

#Just fucking yeet me into the void already #I want a nap #Also some vitamin d pills cause housemate and I suspect that I might be dealing with seasonal affective #Cause I'm less active than winter so getting less sun #And UK doesn't get much sun in winter as is

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phainon · 5 years

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hi. i hope you don’t mind a typology ask. what would you say are the main differences between low FE and general social awkwardness?

hello this took me like two fucking months because i kept forgetting about it

well. although low fe can correlate with social awkwardness, not every socially awkward person is low Fe. there’s lots of different “flavors” of social awkwardness so the key to separating the two is to watch the person for a while to figure out the source of it (and there’s also plain social anxiety which can affect anyone).

oh and it depends on which low fe you’re referring to. inf fe is pretty awkward by definition unless they forcibly expose themselves to enough social input and make an effort. it does that thing where they’re not really aware of social fuckups until after it happens so that can lead to self consciousness. it usually gets better with age and practice but inferior fe always has that obliviousness to it yknow? it’s something they have to constantly and actively work on to get right.

tert fe has a way easier time of reading reactions. both can mirror people pretty well but tert fe is more smooth, more stereotypically charming, and better at getting a desired reaction out of someone. they can both be awkward if they don’t expose themselves to enough social situations tho, since Fe is basically a people watcher.

fi on the other hand. is just a mess. like. it uses itself as a reference to understand and relate to other people, so it can be awkward as shit in its lack of flexibility/openness to social input. for the most part it doesn’t really adjust itself to others and probably doesn’t notice or care that it’s messing up. can’t really interpret micro expressions/body language like fe can (tho maybe this is my se talking). ime the least awkward fi types are xSFPs who are better at reading the room. or maybe they’re just less weird on average. idk fi interactions are confusing to me.

some of the most socially awkward people are actually soc doms, regardless of mbti, because the value they place on the mechanistic aspects of social interaction and where they fit in leads to self consciousness, so they can come off as stiff, cringey, and trying too hard to be liked. I regularly interact with soc doms and 70% of the time I’m always like PLEASE RELAX??? WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH

anyway. to summarize the way i see it:

socially awkward bc they can’t read responses or mirror others. a goddamn wall = no fe

can read people but is clueless about the Right way to respond or doesn’t realize they messed up until after it happened = inexperienced/repressed low fe (perpetual cluelessness = inf fe)

social awkwardness stemming from a desperate need to be accepted that leads to self consciousness = soc, usually dom

there’s lots of other causes for social awkwardness aside from these, this is just what’s coming to mind rn and probably the most common cases

#surprisingly exfj soc doms can be so awkward to me but its more in the cringey territory #instead of the uncomfortable fumbling around inexperienced low fe does

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