#to be weaker than fucking italy on the “having morals” stage

[rainbowgod666]

Nobody:

Like nobody literally ever:

Italy apparently:

Saw this and went to check because it had no source, it's legit

BASED ITALY ✊🇵🇸

UNIONS BEING BAD ASS AGAIN ✊

Source: @LowkeyØnline @PoliticsJOE_UK on Twitter

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2010s: 60 - 56

60. Emma - La mia città Italy 2014 

Emma is short for “Emmanuella”. 😍 Clearly the inspiration for this act:

You may not know this, but “La mia citta” is probably my favourite song out of 2014? It’s ROCKIN’ A RIDE (na na na na na na) of high voltage energy that I instantly became addicted to.  😍 Of course we were also immediately forewarned that Emma couldn’t sing her own song (which is hilarious, but yeah  😬)  so I was expecting a ready disappointment.  What I did NOT expect however was that Italy would yank UP the fun factor by trapping Emma into the direct-to-video sequel of Tinto Brass’s Caligula and letting her steal the show even more. 😍 ITALY <3 <3 <3 

The vocals may have been beyond subpar, but Emma flailing herself around the stage, contorting her body in IMPOSSIBLE angles, dismissively pushing the beta manfolk around like the boss she is gives me SO MUCH LIFE. If she had sung in a key that suited both her voice and the song, she would’ve ranked even higher, but a spot right outside of the highest tier will have to do. ALL HAIL THE EMPRESS OF TERRIBLE TASTE. 

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59. AWS - “Viszlát nyár” Hungary 2018

[2018 Review here]

GIVE ME FIRE, I’M A FIGHTER!

2018 may not have been as great of an experience for me as it has been for many others, but good god did it NEED AWS. A 2018 without AWS has no high voltage, uptempo, loud, aggro ENERGY. “But Boris there’s also Toy” yeah no. Na na banana I do what I wanna :-) 

and honestly, why shouldn’t we love “Viszlát nyar”? Loss songs that instead of mourning solemnly burst into a primordial tempest of ire and flame. IT’S INTENSE, all thanks to Orz’s excellent performance. 

and this comes WITHOUT the consideration that AWS were the backstage deities for the 2018 contest as well, providing many hilarious interviews and other moments of levity. 

AWS were great, because they weren’t a typical Eurovision entry. They are an indie metal band from Hungary that won A Dal by accident and in doing so were thrusted into an adventure beyond their wildest expectations. They never took Eurovision seriously, but regardless they had loads of fun with it and so did I. We will continue this line of thought when we get to a certain deadpan Slovene duo, much, much later in this ranking. 🤭

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58. Loïc Nottet - “Rhythm inside” Belgium 2015

Cutting Loïc means I have my change my t-shirt into the one my friend gave me for my 25th birthday (😍)

and I mean what is there to say about Loïc? He’s widely regarded as one of the most artistic and memorable entrants in recent years, sparking a hot streak of entries which ended when Sennek refused to rehearse her song/come up with an act. 

I may as well use this moment for a little confession: Avant Garde is one of my favourite Eurovision genres. AG entries are always interesting, always delivering, always different from what we’re used to. They are brave and inspired. When well-executed they can easily becomes some of the all-time best Eurovision entries.

“Rhythm inside” also falls into the category, taking a fairly simple subject (the beating of the human heart) and turning it into a metaphilosophical journey of discovery, star matter and mindblowiness. Loïc launched “Rhythm” into greatness, providing excellent vocals, dancing and miming. 

and also like all amazing things in life, it contains a small dose of SuRie: 

However, avant garde often comes with one massive problem: poorly-executed AG tends to frame every twirl, fart and headturn as a testament of some highly ~artistic vision~ when it adds nothing of value. In other words, fuckin’ meaningitis. “Rhythm inside” is actually one of the worst offenders, imo. For every epic moment of Loïc gazing into the camera or twirling around like an ebon cygnet, we get a tryhard one in which somebody lays themselves down and starts kicking their feet into the air for no reason and *sigh*. 

It saddens me that  “Rhythm inside”, despite being a very innovative composition that explores the boundaries of music, tries too hard to sell its own artistry and well... it is that moment of self-doubt which prevents me from ranking it inside the elite tier. BELIEVE IN AND LOVE THYSELF!!!

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57.  Madame Monsieur - “Mercy” France 2018

[2018 Review Here]

Every year is defined by its political zeitgeist, and in 2018 there were two defining themes: #MeToo, covered by “Toy”, and “Transmigration” covered by Madame Monsieur. I soon was convinced one of them would win 2018, which happened, but sadly it was the weaker of the two entrants 😭

Regardless, Madame Monsieur deserve all the praise they can get. It is SO easy to take a topic such as “migration” and turn it into an Americanized story of Wrong And Right. It’s SO easy to turn it into a sob story. It’s SO easy to cheapen the plight over others for self-gain. It is important to remain authentic, austere and respectful. 

Which is exactly that Madame Monsieur did. 

Using a peppy synthpop beat as a platform to carry their haunting lyrics (”je suis ces enfant que la mer a pris” ::shivers::), Emilie and Jean-Karl turn “Mercy”, a tribute to a baby born at sea to refugee parents, into a true humanitarian hymn, focusing on their message and letting this speak for itself. The end result is pretty potent. THE SEA OF FISTBUMPS <3

So naturally I really fucking love “Mercy”. However, I also think it was lacking in the little area of staging. While I do think the intent of keeping it sober and free of gimmicks was a clever coice, the gut-punching message didn’t exactly come across.

The act was too subtle. It’s the Hassani story of France getting outclassed by Italy at the last second, but much stronger than with Bilal. I don’t think the lack of LEDs was the issue though, like, just bring stage props? Work the camera more? It sucks that I have to nitpick so close to the highest tier, but the fact that I do proves to me that “Mercy” can’t make it that far. RIP sweet synth angels. 

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56. DiHaj - “Skeletons” Azerbaijan 2017

[2017 Review here] Another lovable avant garde angel, morph! DiHaj improved quite a bit for me on the rewatch, but I can’t let her move onto the elite tier for reasons that I think are obvious. (If they are not, please unmute your computer.)

HOWEVER, I do think “Skeletons” a great, dark moody song that is highly entertaining. It is, for the most part a great example of how to do novelty at Eurovision: It displays the greatest strength of modern Azerbaijan: the visually stunning SPECTACLE. Music is supposed to a form of expression and DiHaj goes ALL OUT.

Of course, I understand that the act isn’t to everyone’s taste and it does suffer a *little* bit from Fuckin’Meaningitis™ , which is fair enough. At the same time... the story told here is pretty obvious? There is no dispute that this song is about a broken relationship and the moral dilemma that often comes with it. Azerbaijan stuck with the source material provided by the song and that makes Skellingtons’ act much better than that of “Rhythm inside”. It’s a captivating story, because it makes sense. 

Too bad those Professional Swedish Backings sounded like crap tho...x

And that was the last of Azerbaijan,

After a pretty terrible start of the decade, Azerbaijan reinvented themselves as trash angels and the rest is herstory. I hope they continue to dazzle us with ridiculousness in the years to come. 😍

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And now we move on to the higher tier. CONGRATULATIONS TO THESE (nearly) FLAWLESS ANGELS:

2010 

Juliana Pasha - “It’s all about you” Tom Dice - “Me and my guitar” Kuunkuiskaajat - “Työlki ellää” Jessy Matador - “Allez ola olé” Giorgos Alkaios & Friends - “OPA” Paula Seling & Ovi - “Play with fire” maNga - “We could be the same”

2011

Dino Merlin - “Love in rewind” Poli Genova - “Na inat” Lena - “Taken by a stranger” Maja Keuc - “No one”

2012

Ott Lepland - “Kuula” Pasha Parfeny - “Lăutar” Loreen - “Euphoria”

2013

Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankulov - “Samo shampioni” Koza Mostra ft. Agathonas Iakovidis - “Alcohol is free” Gianluca - “Tomorrow” Who see ft. Nina Zizic - “Igranka” Anouk - “Birds” Zlata Ognevich - “Gravity”

2014

Aram MP3 - “Not alone” Conchita Wurst - “Rise like a phoenix” Cleo - “My słowianie- We are slavic” Tinkara Kovač - “Round and round” Ruth Lorenzo - “Dancing in the rain” Sebalter- “Hunter of Stars”

2015

Elina Born & Stig Rästa - “Goodbye to yesterday” Nadav Guedj - “Golden Boy” Aminata - “Love Injected” Polina Gagarina - “A million voices” Bojana Stamenov - “Beauty never lies” Måns Zelmerlöw - “Heroes”

2016

Iveta Mukuchyan - “LoveWave” Laura Tesoro - “What’s the pressure?” Poli Genova - “If love was a crime” Nika Kocharov & Young Georgian Lolitaz - “Midnight gold” Hovi Star - “Made of Stars” Francesca Michielin - “No degree of separation”

2017

NAVIBAND - “Story of my life” Blanche - “City lights” Joci Pápai - “Origo” fusedmarc - “Rain of revolution” JOWST ft. Aleksander Wallmann - “Grab the moment”

2018

Rasmussen - “Higher ground” Elina Nechayeva - “La Forza” Ieva Zasimauskaite - “When we’re old” DoReDoS - “My lucky day” Lea Sirk - “Hvala, ne!” ZiBBZ - “Stones”

2019

Kate Miller-Heidke - “Zero gravity” Mahmood - “Soldi” KEiiNO - “Spirit in the sky” Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl - “Sebi”