#to be honest i dont think i'll get anywhere with any of the shit i submitted this month lol but better to try and fail than never try!!!

[queenerdloser]

i made it one of my new years resolutions this year to try and get fifty rejections from lit mags and publishing houses because honestly??? part of my problem with ever submitting my original fiction is that it’s really hard to do it and get rejected and feel good about that, so in the end it feels easier just to never submit anything. but that gets me nowhere!! so i’m trying to trick my brain into thinking that if we get accepted, great! but if we get rejected, it means that we’re actually closer to our goal, which is also good! excellent!

which has helped because i’ve actually submitted to several places during the first few weeks of january and it helps me submit stuff even that i don’t know are up to snuff, because in the end i can be like... well even if they reject it, that’s another tally for my rejection goal, sweet! so it makes it easier to submit pieces that i’m on the fence about, whereas before i would wait and wait and edit and edit until they felt perfect. 

[froqgy]

my honest to god w.itch from mercury review in which i am not very positive on it at all (mentions of abuse for the show)

i'm not watching s2 to see if it gets better that ending was such a drastic tonal shift and not in a good way. in the last episode?! really?! it just felt it was for shock value. if there was any lead up with blood and violence and death established anywhere before it would've not felt that out of place.

i understand suletta's relationship with her mother is yet another example of an abusive and manipulative parent to child relationship, but having her react with such fear to killing and immediately smashing a guy to death with her gundam and falling in the blood and acting like everything she just did was okay was... again it just feels like they wanted to do happy smiley character covered in blood!!!! so scary so fucked up.

the other abusive parent kid relationships aren't done very well either.. why is the solution for miorine to grovel to her father for investment? did we forget what a piece of shit he was? she never gets to be free from him. neither does gruel (calling him gruel yeah) from his piece of shit father. his father dies abruptly combat in a violent manner so he's forced to mourn him, and his father gets an easy out. that's not necessarily not unrealistic because there are always going to be complicated feelings regardless, but i don't trust this show's writing at this point lol. miorine is forced to save her piece of shit father in a similar vein.

okay.. that was the main stuff, so onto other things. most of the characters were so mean/annoying or nothing or both. suletta felt so alone. which again, would be the point in how isolated she starts to feel, but ?!?! it's a little difficult to watch a show when everyone is either shitting on suletta or just there. idk...

the lack of worldbuilding was apparent to me too.. i'll be honest, i didn't pay full attention to all of the show but I'm fairly certain they didn't expand much on the world. i felt left in the dark. we only get a vague idea of the conflicts between people on earth and people living in space.

last thing.. i can't imagine the child soldiers thing is going to be handled very well. gundam as a franchise is inherently going to be weapon focused, because that's what the mechas do: be cool and shoot stuff. the conflict is between people, so it ends up very obviously being mechas/gundams = weapons of war. there's no other discernible reason for them besides to fight other humans? there doesn't seen to be any other kind of threat so... miorine is convinced to try to make gundams be for healing somehow. sure. good luck with that girl. she was so ready to make more weapons though.

TL;DR this show feels like it just wants to put its teenage characters through the wringer and through the fucking wringer they did. and for what again... can s2 really do it better... i dont think im sticking around to find out...

[cosmossystem]

on the friend skills thing; most of those things, even though they feel pretty big, shouldnt be too big of a deal? like with the stuff youd have to remember, if you add them on pretty much any messaging app theyre gonna have a name listen, alot even let you set nicknames or add notes so you could add their pronouns onto that. there is programs to track birthdays, along with pretty much any calendar thing (plus most friends will tell you like 2-3 days beforehand in my experience). friends of friends dont really matter until they become just friends, bc if a friend of friend is there they will probably be called their name atleast once by the shared friend. trying to analyze mannerisms & trying to say the right things are,, okay, fair, but to be honest you probably wont need to care about those past the first meeting because with good enough communication they dont rlly matter. like, if youre confused or wanna know if theyr upset you can just ask. if you cross or go close to a boundary theyll clarify it and then you can respect it moving forwards (also, if youre scared you wont remember, 1. thats fine, they can always state it again and you try again and 2. you could always keep notes on them, their interests, boundaries, etc). you can always reclarify a message or go 'nvm'. and also ive always heard the "be yourself!" advice, like uhh, dont over-salt yourself with trying to be normal and do the right thing in friendship, bc then all thats gonna attract is people who .. suck. idk where i was going with that metaphor. basically dont overpower 'you' with trying to do what others want. or something, idk. also yeah theres gonna be people who dont like you, and that sucks but what can ya do besides try again. also maybe check if theres any meetups around you? because even if you dont keep them as friends it still gets you around people! dont worry too much about having those as friends forever or whatever, just see them as a starting point.

this all sounds great in theory but doesn't actually help me. i was just mostly listing hypotheticals with things that make relationships more complicated to navigate. like i've never actually gotten far enough into a relationship to worry about birthdays except for once, and we were barely friends by the time their birthday rolled around, but i write down important details that i don't want to forget. or i would if there were any!!!

the problem is that every part of the process of actually getting to know someone sucks. you have to meet them and then you have to talk to them. i don't like talking and if i could, my entire life i would be mute. but sure let's start with the meeting:

i go out of my way to speak to people in meatspace. it usually doesn't work. like, i go to cons. i'll try to chat with people but most are already there with friends anyway and don't care. i mean no one wants to let anyone in their clique anymore. when i was younger i almost got adopted by a friendgroup because i was 14 and in cosplay but then no one spoke to me and my mom was just awkwardly standing like ten feet away and so we left. as for "going to meetups" that'd be great except i can't go anywhere because i can't drive yet, so i'm stuck dragging along a 50-year-old asshole with me everywhere and that scares people off. until i get to college that's my only option. (and guess what? when you have an abusive piece of shit parent, that parent doesn't want to leave you places alone. so even if i told her "hey drop me off here and return in two hours" she just won't.)

so i'm left to try to meet people online. that's harder than you think. if you try to meet people organically in your community, there's a bunch of barriers to it. on tumblr specifically even attempting to find people i could tolerate is hard. i block the weirdos but it doesn't leave many options (everyone has a dni these days, which is fine, but i'm usually on it somewhere.) and let's say i finally find someone. well i want to try sending asks but i have nothing to say. i already know "hey how are you?" won't get me anywhere and if i get someone in my dms the conversation eventually dies out.

i tried going onto other social medias but that just really means twitter because i don't understand how instagram works. when i was on tiktok, no one talks to each other and so that's a bust. on twitter there's a different Social Ecosystem (meaning more invisible rules i have to figure out. what the fuck do all of these abbreviations mean? i don't reply to anyone because it feels needlessly direct, but that's the only way people communicate on twitter, and if i DO reply i never get a reply back so i look crazy. etc) and be honest, everyone on twitter is more insane than here.

i don't do discords because every time i've been in a discord it's either way too busy to actually get to know anyone, someone starts some kind of drama, or i'm inevitably the odd one out because i don't talk as much. i thought group chats would be an easier way to socialize but it turns out i hate those too.

i don't feel like i'm really speaking to someone on the internet. it feels more like a magic box i type in and sometimes i get a response. i don't get attached to people both online or offline because i've never known someone for more than a few weeks/months and even people i see at cons all the time, that's only twice a year maybe and we never follow each other's socials because I Don't Have Any. yes i've made them no i don't use them insta sucks tt sucks no one has a twitter and no one remembers me.

and when i, finally, have enough good days and make it work for long enough to feel like i'm "friends" with someone (mind you i have never had a "best friend" or even known someone for longer than a few months) at some point, i will either miss a message for a day or two, then feel so bad about that that i give up on trying with them; or i manage to convince myself that they hate me.

it seems like the only way is to talk to someone directly and it sucks. i don't like it. i never get past the initial Polite Chit Chat portion. i don't know how to. and if i try, i inenvitably sabotage myself somehow or i ghost them or. i don't know. it just hasn't worked. i feel like every social interaction is a puzzle and everyone knows the answers except me. i want friends but i just don't care about people because i've never had a reason to care about people.

and i say all of this as i ignore maybe a dozen discord messages. because my social meter is shot. just totally drained. every time i write something i have to script it, that takes hours, it's draining, and so i section off a portion of my day to it but then i get a message back immediately and i'm already drained. i can't talk to people forever it's tiring to me i dread having to do it. but none of that matters because i don't message people back immediately, so they start to think i don't care about them. and maybe i don't.

ok i'm still sobbing and have more to say but. this is long enough. it's not proofread. bon appetit

cass

[sunflowerstache]

Sarah...I finally got the job I was hoping to get. I'll be moving in a week, it's in another state. I'm excited but also nervous. This is the first time I'll be on my own and it's kinda scary. I've never been away from my family before....I just hope everything goes well.

BABY!! MY LOVE!! SUGAR!! I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! Congratulations, that’s absolutely amazing! I can’t wait to hear all about your new job and the move!

Moving on your own is extremely nerve wracking, and there’s absolutely no shame in being a little scared or nervous! It’s normal! I moved into my own place for the first time 4 years ago and prior to that, I had never really been away from my family for long periods of time! I’m very veryyyy close with my entire family and I was very lucky that while growing up, I spent every Saturday night with all my aunts/uncles, cousins, parents, and grandparents, so moving to a new state and living alone, where I didn’t have that in person family bond was really hard for me. But that doesn’t mean your bond isn’t there anymore, you just get used to a new way! Make good use of FaceTime or any of video chat service you use! I had a set day once a week where I videoed my parents and we chatted about what happened that week and how work was and what was going on at home and it was really great to see their faces! And to have that day to look forward to every week made missing them a bit easier! But I also will say to set boundaries! I don’t let my parents facetime me when their at family parties or celebrations because I know I’ll get sad I’m not there. I told my mom that I’m not going to be texti nv her every second of every day so she’s gotta stop worrying when I don’t answer. Just little things that you feel like you need in order to keep your relationship healthy while living away!

Some other quick little things I learned while living alone:

make good use of autopay!!! this was super helpful for me because I have a pea brain and sometimes would forget when bills are due! This way, it automatically takes the money from your account and you don’t get late fees!

if you don’t want to use autopay, get a dry erase calendar and keep it somewhere you pass regularly (i.e. the kitchen or next to your door or in your bedroom etc.) to mark down what days your bills are due and use a red marker so you can clearly see it! I always marked down that my bills were due a few days before they actually were just to give me a cushion in case anything happened

always have extra toilet paper on hand. I know it might sound strange, but just spend a bit more and buy that pack with 20 rolls. Sometimes shit happens (lol) and you’ll be happy you have the extra

DONT OVER BUY PRODUCE!!!! Only buy a small amount for what you know you’ll need/use. while you do your shopping, you might think you’re gonna be super healthy and eat all this fresh produce so you spend the extra money to get the good stuff. Produce goes bad so SO fast and I’m gonna be honest, if you aren’t someone who cooks a meal every single night, youll probably forget its there and it’ll go bad.

try not to shop when you’re super hungry. You’ll get home and be happy with what you bought, but then a few days later you’ll realize you only have tortilla chips and cherries and kick yourself

you really don’t need most of the things you think you do. Try going through your belongings and see what really makes you happy and what you truly need. Sure you’re living on your own, but that could mean less space then your used to!

making your own decor is a lot cheaper and easier then you think! Especially now, there’s tons of tutorials on things online or try freehanding something or buy second hand! Everyone wants their place to look nice and feel homey, but don’t break the bank trying to do so!

I’m someone who doesn’t like turning the heat on very high during the winter because I don’t like spending the money hahaha I’ll usually just put it on low and sweat lots of layers! so if you’re the same, walmart and target have amazingly warm blankets you can keep on the couch or your bed or anywhere! Target has fuzzy socks for like $1! but also, if you are the same, make sure you don’t ever completely shut your heat off in the winter! It’ll freeze your pipes and they’ll burst causing a leak! So keep it low is anything!

get a brita filter. it pops right on your sink and cleans your water! It’s much more cost effective and better for the environment then buying those plastic water bottles

HAVE FUN!!! this is such an exciting time for you and you’re creating a life for yourself in this new city! Make friends, invite them over, go see what the city has to offer, try new restaurants or bars or clubs or museums or anything you find interesting! Don’t stay couped up in your place because you’ll only feel isolated and alone! This new chapter is literally all about you, so do things that make you happy and make it look any way you’d like it to look! There’s no right or wrong way to do things, everything’s just a trial run until you find what suits you best!💛

[bigskydreaming]

I'm not sure if you got my request because i didn't had internet when i sent it, so i'll write it again xd Do you think Dick (and the batboys in general) are famouse like Bruce? Because in the comics there's not any clue about it, i've never seen anyone say something like "oh look! Its Dick Grayson!, y'know, Wayne's first ward/son And its a shame, because reporters would make such a hard life to all of them, it would maka a good narrative tool

Honestly, this is a prime example of that inconsistency I rant about, and also DC’s refusal to just COMMIT on even the most basic aspects of their universe like….uh…how many kids does Batman have. 

afhsahfklahsklfhal

Like, you would think that would meet the MINIMUM requirements of “shit you should probably have figured out and make sure everybody’s on the same page with” but DC’s like….nah, that’s not important.

So I mean…..I’m reasonably certain - like this is just my personal belief, but I’d put money on it being right, lol - but I think the primary reason there’s so little mention in the comics of how Bruce’s kids are viewed in the public eye/how much the public are aware of them (in the New 52, at least, as pre-Flashpoint there was a lot more plot around that kind of thing, especially back in the 80s and 90s)……

…is because 90% of the writers and editors have no clue either, and nobody wants to be the one to ask, and like, open that can of worms. I 100% think you could ask five different writers at DC which kids Bruce has OFFICIALLY adopted in this current continuity, and get five different answers, lol.

There’s been so much handwaving about Dick’s status ever since Spyral, and again - I think its because nobody bothered to think through the logistics of the Hypnos/global-mindwipe machine BEFORE writing it into the story, and then once it did occur to any of them to like….wonder just how specifically it worked, they were like, fuck it, better just be as vague as possible. So, according to Grayson, everyone Helena didn’t program into the exclusion list before the satellite was activated should have no recollection of Dick Grayson, which is why he was able to ‘go back to his old life’ and be Nightwing again, without worrying about his secret identity having been unmasked…..

But what does that mean for his official identity as adopted son or even just ward of billionaire Bruce Wayne? People can’t have NO memory of Dick Grayson and still remember that Bruce Wayne took in a kid named Dick Grayson. I mean, as far as I can tell, the overall consensus in the comics seems to be that after the satellite was activated, Dick just kinda started from scratch as ‘Dick Grayson’ like, he was free to be himself again, but it was like he was a blank slate/came out of nowhere as far as everyone else was concerned. But again, that means as far as anyone outside of their close circle of family and friends know….Dick Grayson is a non-entity to Bruce Wayne and the two have no history. 

Which I mean, is fairly shitty and you’d think if nothing else, there’d be massive story potential there for delving into Dick’s character and his relationship with Bruce and examining how he felt about ‘having his old life/identity back’….except with the caveat that as far as the world is concerned, his life and identity don’t and have never included his father.

Cut to DC: Naaaaaaaah.

But even WITH that, plot holes persist, and abound, because…..why didn’t the satellite erase the Court of Owls’ knowledge/memory of Dick? Even before Luthor gave Cobb those goggles and files to help him with bringing Ric into the fold, Cobb clearly was already stalking Ric and knew exactly who he was….the Court obviously already had that doctor in place while he was still in recovery…so, whoops. I mean, you could probably come up with an explanation about the Court, via their own tech and resources, having had some protections in place 24/7 that kept the satellite from affecting them even though they weren’t on guard for it specifically…..but again, Occam’s Razor….I feel like the real answer is DC just didn’t care enough to think things that far through. Especially since the average Bludhaven citizen, like Bea, at least didn’t seem totally blown away when Ric revealed to her that amnesia aside, he was supposedly some rich billionaire’s adopted kid….which again suggests that as far as the writers were thinking, people in general are familiar with the idea that Bruce Wayne has more than one kid.

Then you’ve got Jason’s whole situation, and to be honest….I really only have the vaguest idea what’s going on there, because reading Lobdell books is against my religion, and I am a devout and deeply spiritual person, as you all probably can tell. I mean, I know that there’s something going on where like, Jason had himself legally resurrected in the public eye and is openly referring to himself as Bruce Wayne’s formerly-assumed dead foster kid……but like, is that the official official word, or would other writers if you asked them say they’d been operating under the assumption Bruce had adopted Jason too at some point in the Rebirth timeline, or….idek, man.

I…..honestly don’t have the faintest fucking clue what to make of the many back-and-forth retcons about Tim and his parents and his official place in the Batfam/relationship with Bruce, and am actually slightly terrified of even trying to make sense of that clusterfuck of a Gordian knot, so my official stance on Tim is to just like….back sloooooowly away from the anthropomorphic-migraine-masquerading-as-a-backstory, without like….agitating it and accidentally setting off another multiverse Crisis birthed wholly from just that one all-consuming black hole of a retcon.

I mean, there’s a reason I basically just shoehorn all the kids’ official pre-Flashpoint family statuses into anything I write in Rebirth continuity, and that’s not just stubbornness and my refusal to play the “now this kid is adopted…now he’s not…now he is again….except he’s not….oh he’s adopted again…..oh wait now he’s not again" game. 

Its like. Also for the sake of my sanity and stuff.

(And also hahahahaha fuck you DC times infinity, every time you use the words “blood son,” or “real family” in a comic, or have one of Bruce’s other kids refer to Bruce as “your father” when talking to Damian, as if that’s not an utterly bizarre and roundabout way for any sibling to refer to their mutual parent and thus I j’ete REFUSE to acknowledge it as valid….ahem, anyway, my point is, every time they do that in a comic, I double down and headcanon Bruce throwing a random as fuck gala for literally no other purpose than to remind all of Gotham that he has half a dozen kids and they’re all better than everyone else’s. Ugh. Kill it. Kill the “blood son” nonsense with fire and lightning and also lots of stabbing maybe).

Anyway, that’s my official stance on DC’s stance on Damian in the books.

Then as far as Cass goes….ugh, her origins were pretty much utterly butchered by the New 52, which IMO has also failed to give us Cass and Bruce bonding and dynamics sufficient to Sate Mine Ire™, sooooooo…..I mean, my perception of the current canon is that Cassandra’s official status is “secret mystery foster child that nobody really knows about,” but because I do not care for that and there’s the whole not sufficiently sated ire thing I mentioned, I officially reject this canon and willfully replace it with pre-Flashpoint Bruce and Cass love and adoption. DC’s welcome to kiss my critically acclaimed hiney if I’m doing it wrong.

Which brings us last, but certainly not least, as its only this way because I go sequentially and Duke is still Shiny and New comparative to the others and will be until the next inevitable fostering/adoption/clone hi-jinks bumps him up the sequential ladder (except I randomly switched Damian and Cass around this time because LOOK I DONT MAKE THE RULES, THERE ARE NO RULES i hvea Adhd hiccup sob leavem e aloooone soooooob)…..

Duke’s official status, much like the rest of the Batkids, can be summed up as Honestly, I Really Don’t Have A Fucking Clue And Am Just Winging This Whole Thing.

I mean, there’s less inconsistency with him, due mostly to the fact that so few writers other than Snyder use him (boo, hiss, and not just because I hate having to give Snyder credit for stuff - look, I love his Duke, but I loathe how he writes Dami, its a thing, I just…don’t get me started). But what inconsistencies there are….well….they’re a bit glaring.

Basically one major storyline showed Duke as being an official foster kid/ward of Bruce’s and living out of the Manor with Bruce and Damian and occasionally Tim when he’s not off road-tripping around the multiverse….and then Batman and the Signal had Duke in the care of his uncle, who was stated to be his legal guardian and Duke was constantly sneaking out in order to meet Bruce in the special Signal-cave he built specifically for Duke to operate out of so he didn’t have to like, drive all the way out to the Manor to change just so he could then drive back into the city and patrol. And then Batman and the Outsiders just said fuck all that, here’s Duke and Cass hopping hemispheres with the Outsiders every other issue, so apparently nobody’s making unscheduled visits anywhere back in Gotham to make sure these two are where they’re legally assumed to be, which again, for the record is…..*error, source not found*

LOLOL and the really fun thing about this little back and forth is I’m pretty sure allllll these conflicting takes are all the work of the same writer. Like. GET ON YOUR OWN PAGE, DUDE.

Also, again I have to assume the “Can’t Be Bothered To Give A Shit, Or Maybe They’re All Just Really Bad At Logic” curse has struck again, because….uhhhh…..

….at no point anywhere in Duke’s stories have I seen Bruce or literally anyone else express concern about the fact that Duke living with Bruce as his official foster, like he definitely and clearly was at some point at least…..means that literally every single one of his We Are Robin friends who knows that he was taken in by the Batfam (and there’s several of them who know this)….like, by the transcendent properties of You Can’t Honestly Think They’re That Dumb, that’s a good five or six civilians out there who probably took all of five seconds to play connect the dots and figure out the Wayne family, having officially taken Duke in on paper…..is pretty likely the Batfamily.

I mean, I like all of Duke’s friends and would definitely headcanon/write them as all being trustworthy and able to keep this knowledge to themselves for Duke’s sake, if nothing else, but I mean, its pretty unprecedented for Bruce to out himself and all of his kids/allies by extension, to like, that many civilian teenagers all in one swoop….

…sooooooo, you’d think, AGAIN, logically, maybe, perhaps, this is the kind of thing that should be brought up in a narrative somewhere as a plot point worth delving into, y’know, just for shits and giggles and maybe a little bit of that whatchamacallit - oh right, character development, but.

Cut to DC: Naaaaaaah.

 *throws up hands and does the I Can’t Even Shuffle all the way home*

In conclusion:

DC is a mess. The official/public status of each and every Batkid is a mess. Except for Damian, the blood son, but we have that pencilled in on the schedule to be killed with fire and also stabbing, so he can get filed under ‘just a fucking mess’ with the rest of his siblings. Hashtag Solidarity.

I mean, I say just write or headcanon their official status however you damn well please, and it’ll STILL be more effort than I believe DC has put into organizing and staying consistent with all of this, and thus STILL make more sense than what we currently have to work with.

*Shrugs* If they don’t care enough to provide a clear canon blueprint to follow when mapping the Bat Family Tree, I can’t be bothered to care if the one I make up myself happens to contradict one single mention of one kid’s official status as claimed by one issue of one book.

Especially if it was written by Lobdell.

Jason’s just a foster son my ass. grumble mumble bitter vengeful swears and a pox on all DC’s houses. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE HATE ADOPTION SO MUCH, INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW AND ALSO FUCK YOU.

[jonathancrane-scarecrows]

100 Important Character Questions

Part 1: The Basics

What Is your full name?

Mikhailo Aleksandr Milkovitch

Where and when were you born?

08/10/1994 in Chicago

Who are/where your parents?

Terry Milkovitch is my dad, my mother... dont know her name.

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?

Yeah my sister Mandy. We are both close. Shes a fighter, strong like a Milkovitch should be. Shes not afraid to tell you what shes thinking and I love that about her.

Where do you live now and with whom?

Chicago with Mandy and Terry.

What is your occupation?

Thug, pimp, security

To which Social class do you belong?

Poor, never going to get anywhere but that's fine.

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?

Fuck no. I'm as strong as they get... well if you consider family a weakness then yeah. They mean everything to me.

Are you right or left handed?

Right handed

What does your voice sound like?

Noel Fishers voice = Face claim

What words and/or phrases do you uses very frequently?

Fuck off, Carrot Top, Tough guy, Fire crotch, Fuck you, shut the fuck up...list goes on.

What do you have in your pockets?

Why the fuck should that matter? Wallet, money... maybe a gun.

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

I'm a jealous person... can get violent when it comes to Caleb... I dont like it when others touch what's mine. ( Hes really Caleb's but... you know.) I drink, smoke and do drugs. It's better than dealing with the shit I deal with. Have a hard time being who I am... if people knew I'd be in a ditch somewhere.

Part 2: Growing up

How would you describe your childhood in general?

Violent. I grew up learning how to fight and dealing with my father. Of course it wasent all bad. Mandy was there with me through everything. Even stopped our dad from beating the shit out of me when he found a kid kissing me. Was the first kiss I had from a guy.

What is your earliest memory?

My dad beating the hell out of a guy that didnt pay up for a service he had done for him.

How much schooling have you had?

Plenty. I dropped out but schools not for everyone.

Did you enjoy school?

Fuck no. People always think they are better than you and if your poor they look at you like your scum. I left when I could.

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?

My father of course. Mother left when we were young so everything I know Is from him. The good and the bad but that's what makes us Milkovitch.

While growing up, did you have any role models?

My dad but now I'd rather be far away from him as I could. Always in jail, causing fights. What a great role model right?

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

Never met my mother so nothing going on there. With Dad? Our relationship has never been the best. Mandy our relationship is amazing. I help her she helps me...Milkovitchs stay close to family. Through thick or thin.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Alive. Living the Milkovitch way is dangerous. All I want to to stay breathing.

As a child, what were your favorite activities?

Beating up the biggers kids, proving I wasent weak. Spending time with my sister.

As a child,what kinds of personality traits did you display?

Violent, jealousy, stayed with family through everything, need to be accepted ( Not very open with others about why), cautious, careful ( When he nedded to be), responsible.

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?

Fuck no. Never been the popular type. Friends? Not really I beat kids up more than anything. They all feared me.

When and with whom was your first kiss?

I was 13 and was a girl... dont remember her name. My dad told me I needed to show interest in girls so I kissed her. Made him happy and got him off my back.

Are you a virgin? If not,when and with whom did you loose your virginity.

No definitely not a virgin... havent been in some time. I was 15 and no one knows but I said it was Angie... wasent her. Was a guy.

Part 3: past Influences

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

Meeting Caleb. Might not be a big event to others but to me it was pretty big.

Who has had the most influence on you?

My father much to my distaste but hes all I've got beside my sister with family.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Staying alive. This world we live in it's not the greatest. The strong are the ones that will survive

What is your greatest regret?

Being a pussy and not admitting my feelings. Remaining in the closet.. afraid my father will kill me if I admit what I am.

What is the most evil thing you have ever done?

Does being a pimp count? I havent killed anyone yet. Came close many times with a gun pointed at them or me beating the fuck out of them.

Do you have a criminal record of any kind?

Fuck yeah I do. Been in Juvie a few times... ok more than a few. What can I say I'm a bad person.

When was the time you were most frightened?

When my father was beating the shit out of me when he saw a guy kiss me. The other got the worst of it.

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?

Well finding out you like it up the ass is something I'd say qualifies.

If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?

Not being such a pussy about who I am. I'd change that fact because if I did I could be with who I wanted. Yeah my dad would be coming after me but at least I'd be worth it for Caleb.

What is your best memory?

Not many good ones but meeting Caleb for the first time was... it changed me.

What is your worst memory?

Fuck... I have too many bad ones to really say which was my worst.

Part 4: Beliefs & Opinions

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?

Neither I'm a realist. I know how things are.

What is your greatest fear?

Loosing anyone close to me.

What are your religious views?

Honestly I could give less a fuck... but my family is Christian.

What are your political views?

Not like I vote so it dont fucking matter.

What are your views on sex?

Best fucking thing ever! Helps with a lot of problems. People should do it more often. Less stress, issues... it's just better for you.

Are you able to kill?

Yeah depending on the circumstances

In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?

Be a pedophile, I'll fucking kill one if I see one.

Do you believe in the existance of soul mates and/ or true love?

Honestly... I dont know. I feel something with Caleb I've never felt with anyone... it's kinda scary.

What do you believe makes a successful life?

Not being a snitch, doing what your supposed to do and beating people that dont pay you like they were supposed to. It's not hard. Everyone has problems.

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings?

Depends who I'm talking with. I lie all the time.. I have to so my dad dosent find out about Caleb. I tend to be violent when asked if I'm gay.. I can't help it and fuck if Caleb knew how I felt about him... I dont know what would happen.

Do you have any biases or prejudices?

If we went off what my father thinks then I would.

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it?

Snitch. I'm not a fucking snitch. The day I do that would have to be a fucking important reason.

Who or what,if anything, would you die for( or otherwise go to the extremes for?

Caleb aka. Carrot Top.

Part 5: Relationships w/others

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?

Depends if I know them. If I like them then they can see I'm a great guy. Of course if I dont know them and they piss me off they are going to end up bloody. In general you know me I'm a good guy, you dont know me I keep my eyes on you.

Who is the most important person in your life, and why?

Caleb... meeting him has changed my life.

Who is the person you respect the most, and why?

My sister. Shes strong and she hasent snitched on me. Thick and thin we are close and always there for one another.

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people.

I dont have friends.

Do you have a spouse or significant other?

Caleb.... we arent married or anything so fuck off.

Have you ever been in love?

Yes

What do you look for in a potential lover?

Red head, batshit crazy, packing 9 inches.

How close are you to your family?

As close as I can be. We are there for one another though dads a dick.

Have you started your own family?

No

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

My family, they wouldnt leave me hanging or in trouble.

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?

Myself... maybe my sister... and perhaps Caleb. Why fuck you that's why.

If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

My family and Caleb... I hope anyways.

Who is the person you despise the most, and why?

My dad. He would rather see me dead than let me be gay.

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?

Fuck no I fight with my fists, guns, anything I can get.

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

Sometimes depends on the situation.

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

No. I like who I like and large groups are not my thing.

Do you care what others think of you?

Fuck no ( A little)

Part 6: Likes & Dislikes

What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?

Fights... to an extent.. dont really have hobbies and I mostly do things for the family.

What is your most treasured possession?

One of Caleb's jackets

What is your favorite color?

Green

What is your favorite food?

Steak

What, if anything, do you like to read?

Dont read

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs?

I do all three, helps with stress.

How do you spend a typical Saturday night?

Fuck, really depends on what's going on. Things pop up all the time.

What makes you laugh?

Caleb... he makes me laugh a lot.

What, if anything, shocks or offends you?

Being called gay... I tend to get violent. Even if it's TRUE, living with my father has made me this way.

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?

Go see Caleb

How do you deal with stress?

Drink, smoke, do drugs, fuck... a lot of things.

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?

Both

What are your pet peeves?

Girls hitting on me all the time, being my dads punching bag... yeah

Part 7: Self Image & Other

What is your greatest strength as a person?

Surviving

What is your greatest weakness?

Caleb

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

To be stronger... to tell my father who I am and live through the beating.

Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

Extroverted

Are you generally organized or messy?

Both

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

Good: Fighting, taking care of family matters, lying ( sometimes hes terrible but he thinks hes amazing at it)

Bad: Admitting my feelings, showing how I feel... to an extent, loving others

Do you like yourself?

No

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Get over my Dads hate for gays and come out

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

In jail

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Protecting my loved one

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

See Caleb, fuck, then go spend time with Mandy

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

Being the first gay Milkovitch why the fuck not?

What three words best describe your personality?

Attractive, energetic, reliable

What three words would others probably use to describe you?

Aggressive, dangerous, dedicated

If you could, what advice would you, the mun, give to your character?

Theres nothing to be ashamed of! Be gay be whatever you want! Your perfect the way you are even with the rough edges. Your doing good but you and Mandy need to leave your father.

Tagging: @sin-of-the-father , @magicalmusesandwheretofindthem

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: where you left me to go mama?? Rio: aw bubba 😧😔 Rio: plenty of stuff in the kitchen if you ain't already raiding Indie: got my head in the fridge never over its madness Indie: 🍾 + 🍊 for breakfast innit 😂 when you lavish Rio: 😂 we on the champagne too Rio: calling a 2 drink max for you so you don't rinse 'em 😜 Indie: dont be lawin that for me too tho Rio: Bitch I is, keep up Indie: naaaah thats only a glass in each hand Indie: you got rules whenever you be but cant gimme none Rio: 😑 Rio: even you can't test me rn tho Rio: on ☁9 Indie: jam girl im playin 🍾 aint lush 😕 aint be telling mckenna that i cant hang w the poshos but fr Indie: is it? whats got you feelin higher than me? 411 Rio: not got dem mature tastebuds yet younger 😉 Rio: [Picture in the Tiffany shop] Indie: allow it i got 👅 that 💸 cant buy bitch Indie: what bling the boy tryna drop on you 👑 didnt even hear you arguing like 👏 get it girl Indie: guilt gifts be 🔥 Rio: Better than the 🚬 joke I thought you would Rio: maybe you are gettin so grown 😜 Rio: nah nah Rio: not even Rio: idk how to say it it feels surreal, like Rio: you'll think i'm playing fr Indie: innit tho 👵👵👵👵 Indie: ?? Indie: youre playing not to take me w to get a 👶 🎁 but you kno 💖💖💖 Rio: That is a good idea tho the price tag would have you shook Rio: [Pic] Rio: It's an engagement ring Rio: ahh I feel a bit sick Indie: YOUVE GOT JOKES MAN 😂😂😂 Indie: even mckenna aint that highkey he gonna proper wife you rn Rio: mad init Indie: serious? Rio: yeah Rio: promise Indie: 😲😲😲😲😲😲😲 Indie: bitch i aint wearing no dress to the 💒 tho Rio: i know Rio: but how you gon' be maid of honour if you don't? 😘 Indie: ill tax that best man role from other mckenna if you keep playing 💪😎😎 Indie: & i aint callin you mckenna now thatd be a madness of getting you caught up w that boy in convos Rio: Fine we'll discuss this later Rio: 'cos ain't like it's happening now so you know Indie: locked you down w out locking in a date i get it Rio: Yeah Rio: what do you think then Rio: honest Indie: its sick news Indie: the boy be acting right & appreciating what he got 👑👑💖💖 Rio: i'm so glad you think so Rio: thanks, babe Rio: ain't gonna make a big song and dance and tell everyone but i ain't gonna hide it either Rio: know everyone gonna have an opinion, again Rio: just can't get enough, clearly 😂 Indie: feelin the love that you spoke it to me Indie: the only opinion that counts b that he aint finding no better hoe here, in the 24 or anywhere Indie: facts Rio: You gonna make me cry and they gonna throw me out this boujee ass store Indie: wipe dem tears on 💸💸💸 so they kno you can hang still Rio: 😂 Rio: already gonna be out here wearing someone's college tuition on my finger like Rio: see why people do this more than once, get a nice collection going Indie: mckenna gon 😭😭😭 boy is soft Indie: dont let him hear you chatting bout no round 2 Rio: 😏 Rio: poor baby, don't be mean Indie: catch me getting married never i gotta live this thru you amp bitches Rio: Fair, didn't ever expect I would Indie: gon kick it old school like your nan 👶👶👶👶👶 but no 💍 Rio: 😖 Glad you out here thinking so highly of me bitch 😜 Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Indie: is you got the fear tho for reals or nah? Rio: It's weird Rio: I know it's what I want like I didn't even think about saying nah but Rio: you have every other voice in your head saying it's too quick or we shouldn't even be together at all, you know Indie: i feel it Indie: i got em in mine tryna chat against everything i tryna do all the time Indie: gotta just chat back that they bein dry Rio: Yeah Rio: you right Indie: how we celebratin this?? thats what i wanna be knowing Rio: we should go out for dinner Indie: catch me thirdwheelin over 🍝 soz baby boy 💋 Rio: shh nah, it'll be good, there are some fancy places that do food you'll actually eat so we can live lavish Indie: tell him bring a friend if he rollin w any still 😂😂😏💘😏 Rio: Not tryna get you NONE at my engagement party tah Rio: get you fill o the food tho 😋 Indie: it aint gotta be heavy Indie: been long since anyone meshed me tho so help a hoe out Rio: hmm don't be tryna play addickted Rio: i'll get you a vibrator, like Rio: not to say go fuck yourself but Indie: 😂😂😂😂 when your ma been out for the day & brings home 🎁🎁s like Rio: pah, he'd actually die of embarrassment Indie: when you out your man as vanilla tho Indie: o mckenna Rio: I just don't reckon he wants to think 'bout you meshing Rio: no offence, like Indie: back trecking like its your job baby Indie: 👀 you & his ways Rio: 🙈 den gurl Indie: too late to swerve dat 🏩 Rio: 🙄 just be thankful i never brought it to ours when we was sharing Indie: safe Indie: I kno you in your ☁ rn but when you back cos shit b testing me & dat 2 drink minimum Rio: What's up? Indie: ex-boy got a new 💘 so he tryna pass my shit back but cos i aint there hes @ the squad & they vexed @ me cos of Indie: 💔💔💔💔💔 Rio: 😔 Rio: Are the lads gonna get it or nah Rio: Don't suppose it's worth seeing if Drew still wanna be Dad of the year one last time, like Rio: may as well use him if he's offering, yeah? Indie: things been heated since the 🐕 & what of mine they are holding so like no beef to the lads but idk Indie: am i tryna text him ever tho 😒😒😒 Rio: Yeah, we'll go 'round the houses when I'm back Rio: someone will go get it Rio: don't worry Rio: we won't be long now Indie: & like not tryna still have love for that boy but aint it mad quick miss me for a few after you dash me Rio: It is Rio: but I ain't surprised, it's how lads, esp lads like that, do Rio: doesn't mean it didn't mean nothing to him necessarily Rio: could still be crying 'bout it in your inbox in a few, not trying to give false hope even 'cos fuck him Indie: i dont wanna be hurtin over this no more Indie: gotta get not bothered Rio: I know Rio: fake it 'til you make it, babe Rio: all you can do Indie: innit tho Indie: tell mckenna to buy me bling too thatll help 😂😂😂😂 Rio: 😂 Rio: 'course Indie: not saying he gotta drop a rents worth on the drip like Indie: just how much he feelin Rio: also not tryna be your sisterwife like Indie: no mood Indie: he vanilla but i aint tryna compete w your moves still Rio: Teach you but I'd have to charge Indie: hes on daddy hype too hard i cant be chattin like that to him or no lad soz boy Rio: Don't really put you in any mood but 😒? Rio: Fair Indie: why drop 💸💸💸💸 on therapy when you can spend on 🚬 its all good Rio: It ain't Rio: but we'll make it Indie: you reckon drews gon show w 👶🎁🎁🎁 or imma be repin for the fam? Rio: I don't know if that'd even enter his head Rio: tbh Indie: she could ⛔ us all in a big sweep Indie: me you & him Rio: She could Rio: I don't think she will you though, babe Rio: not like you've done shit wrong Indie: she just aint about me Indie: i feel it w her too Indie: itll b how itll b Rio: yeah but she can't be that petty Rio: even if she wanna Rio: she's a grown ass woman Indie: neither of em out here acting like they grown Indie: why she gonna start when she have this kid Rio: 'cos she'll have to Rio: unlike Drew she can't just pass it around and hope everyone else does it for her Indie: yeah but she know your ma in law got her back & your real Rio: She can't let Bea raise her kid for her Rio: or Ma Rio: anyway, she's got too much pride in everything not related to Drew, trust Indie: tru Rio: I promise, it's gonna be fine Indie: i got trust in you babe thats how im here Rio: 💘💘💘 Indie: dont be letting it slip now you got 💍 Rio: Never Indie: its chill then Indie: what we tryna wear tonite bitch? Rio: got enough trust in me to lemme pick you up some fresh garms or? Indie: hmmm Indie: cos you in a ☁ yeah Indie: theres your engagement gift ✌ Indie: do it how you gonna Rio: 😂 you know I'm good Rio: and no 👗s Rio: not taking the piss Indie: 👀 Indie: no 🤡ing Rio: would I do a thing like that? Indie: nah but mckenna will if he gets pissy you aint shopping for him 😂😂😂 Rio: We already had to treat him 'cos you know Rio: men don't cuffed 'til the day of Indie: you rode him in there say no more 🤐🤐🍾🍾 Rio: 😂 Rio: Not what I meant even but not gonna lie Indie: 😏😏😏 Indie: i been knew Rio: Keeping it unpredictable is our predictable, babe Indie: you out there vibin 😍😍😍 its a day when you can be extra Indie: make most Rio: As if there's a day when I ain't 😉 Rio: At least my Ma can't say shit to me, she was a marriage and 2 kids deep by now with Eds on the way so Indie: his gon get vocal tho man i feel it Indie: 👀 his dad @ me like 😒 how she livin Rio: I know Rio: Hoping they don't notice, like lemme forget which finger this meant to go on Rio: 😬 Indie: she gon be busy @ the business end of her sis when we hit dubs you all good 😂😂😂😂 Indie: & you could always swerve it so the 💎 not facing out when they 👀 Indie: ✌ hacks Rio: am I tryna stop a muggin' or 😂 Rio: you jokes Rio: also never wanna think about her business end thanks 😷 Indie: innit her drum not got dem thin walls like ours 🙏🙏🙏 or they aint vocal how you and mckenna do Rio: Literally can't imagine how this baby came to be Rio: but I'm chill with that, I don't wanna Indie: used that medical shit fr he aint been near her thats how i clue it Rio: i'm creasing rn and can't even explain 'cos nah Indie: serious she that bitch you tryna lips her & she gotta go shower Rio: I know Rio: Childbirth gonna break her 'less she got that c-section on lock Indie: hit her w all the good gear 🚀🚀🚀🚀 Rio: Probably wanna do it without for the brag idk Indie: o snap Indie: truuuuuuuu Rio: She gotta be ready to drop any day, like Indie: 👀 &👂 Indie: we turnin up if she want us or nah Indie: how many mckennas 👶👶s you gon have? Rio: We'll be about, can't avoid School forever Rio: and shut up bitch 😂 Indie: cmon man i kno you 💭 on it Indie: he a pretty boy Rio: nah Rio: i got a life to live babe Indie: your ma been proved you can have it all bitch Indie: birth dem 👶👶s give em posh names & send em to fancy school like they da Rio: yeah n she given me enough sibs to never need my own Rio: not to mention all your drama 😜 Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: im a drama free zone now ty what you sayin Rio: whilst we in this postcode maybe Rio: but not for long babe Indie: nah for long imma be swervin that shit ✌✌ Indie: any postcode Rio: 👏 sounds good to me too Indie: got ink to jog me if i tryna slip Rio: yeah Rio: least you didn't get the M too Indie: like i been said id just put an a on it for that shoutout to my 3 mas baby 💖💖💖 all good Rio: there's always that Rio: if you really want you can add to it Rio: reclaim it, like Indie: hacks Indie: but i aint got no 💸💸💸💸 for Rio: I can pay Rio: or Ma would do it Indie: o yeah Indie: imma hit her up when we home Rio: Have you decided where you gonna be? Indie: mayb w bills cos she 😢💔 idk Rio: Yeah? Indie: if edie back then naaaaah Indie: or if drew been locked up can squat in the flat til it reclaimed Rio: We'll work something out Rio: I'll probably look for a new place Indie: you not gon move in mckennas dubs yard like you own that? Rio: Don't think the rest of 'em would appreciate that like 😏 Indie: other mckenna would rollin in that big drum solo gotta be dry Rio: Yeah still don't think I'm housemate choice no.1 Indie: thats her bad cos you 👑👑👑🔥🔥🔥👑👑👑 Rio: 💘💘💘 Rio: You biased Indie: nah i not Indie: im not here for drew just cos he blood Rio: Anyway, can't be presuming that's how he wanna be living, like Indie: is it? Rio: Yeah, he ain't coming here 'til October imagine if I'd legit moved myself in 😂 Indie: he put a 💍 on it how he not gon be down Rio: that's like rule no 1 init Rio: gotta make sure you've got your own taken care of in case everything goes tits Indie: safe Indie: 👑 moves be like Rio: If I really was probably shoulda said no shouldn't I Rio: kick it like his Ma Indie: if he wants a girl like his ma you need to have a convo Indie: that some freaky shit Rio: 😂 Rio: psych101 would blow your mind Indie: i aint even tyna kno what you mean Indie: old white dudes be cracked Rio: Yeah wouldn't have you buzzin' 'bout your daddy issues Indie: what they sayin bout? i wanna fuck drew now? plot twist fam Rio: you know Rio: we all do but clearly got it twisted 'cos my type ain't ever been my da Rio: no offence boy but Indie: your da be 😍😍😍 god bless Rio: have we swapped? 😂 Indie: he raised me higher than drew done so Indie: daddy caleb come thru Rio: 😷 Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: Such a grown convo Indie: hoe im keepin you grounded Indie: livin that grown life 24 7 w mckenna Rio: tru Rio: it's a madness i should still be in school Rio: i feel so 👵 fr Indie: you is Rio: cheeky cow Rio: meant to hype me not wreck me 😂 Indie: he be too tho Indie: so tamed its a madness Indie: remember how he used roll Rio: well you know Rio: 😻 game so strong Indie: you no need my hype bitch Indie: you know what you done Rio: You reckon Indie: girl aint be gettin a callback you got 💍💎💎 & 💒 hype Indie: he kicked it long distance for you & he aint putting in effort no way fore then Rio: Yeah Rio: ignore me Rio: just the fear init Indie: get a new drink Indie: chase that Rio: 🍾 Indie: check your boy i bet he aint feelin no fear Rio: He wouldn't say if he was Indie: hed chat it to you Indie: that boy always talking Rio: 😂 thought you reckoned he was the strong silent type Indie: that was afore he was my new daddy Indie: now i 👀 Rio: 😏 Poor boy Rio: I'll keep it on the dl, protect his ego Indie: ill keep it uncommon knowledge to protect this roof over Rio: yeah, least wait 'til you safe in the 24 to be rude 😜 Indie: innit Rio: right, we heading back Indie: ✌✌ Indie: in a few Indie: less he wants you all to himself Rio: he already been had that Indie: he gave you 💎 you can give him a day 😂😂😂 Rio: is it? Rio: why you want air? 👀 Indie: jam ma im tryna do you & your mans a solid Indie: fore i 3rd wheel your nite like Indie: aint this bitch in your pocket & way when we rollin in the 24 Rio: hmm Rio: if you're sure Indie: trust Rio: then we'll be back with your garms and the reservation later then Indie: safe Indie: dont be doing anything i aint tryna Indie: 💖💖💖💖💖 Rio: 🧡🧡🧡

[nithyanelson-blog]

I have got a story to tell!!!!

I have got a story to tell!!

I went for a trek recently and as usual uploaded the photos stories in WhatsApp and Insta. One of my best friends insisted me that I should write about the experience in detail since I went with zero company. I'm not so good with words or metaphors but here I'm trying to detail what I've experienced.

Usually, I have the habit of exaggerating everything. But when I decided to write about my trip, I wanted it to be damn honest and the way I experienced it and not for the usual Insta update.

For a long time, I was thinking of going on a solo trip and experience what actually it is. So when my colleague Keerthi who is an avid trekker told me about his experience, I got a spark that I should try this one. It took me around 5 months to convince myself that I will be able to make it and it took another 2 months to convince my paranoid mother why I wanted to do it.

After getting the blessings from Mommy Dearest, the date for the auspicious trek was finalised as Feb 3rd 2019. The plan was to reach Delhi by flight and train to Dehradun from Delhi. So I started to Delhi on 2nd Feb morning. Morning dawned as usual and I got ready as usual and boarded local train to airport as usual except the fact I'm carrying 60 litre bag. It was quite heavy and I still wonder why the hell I packed so much for a trek(First timer- you never know what you'll need :P) I left Singara Chennai with much love from two of my best friends Ani and Vaishu. To be honest, I didn't feel a thing till I landed in Delhi. The moment I got into the Delhi metro station alone, the feeling of doing something for the first time started to kick in. Now many of you think what's fuss about this going alone as if I'm going to Moon or other planet(I feel you guys!) but I'll tell you why. This is not something that happens in our household often. Even I go to Bangalore or any other place for office trips or any other trip for that matter, my mother make sure that I call her before, after and during the journey and book the safest mode of transport suggested by the company itself or being accompanied by a friend or colleague. I won't say that I have never travelled alone then it would be a big load of bull shit but this kind of trip and trek with bunch of strangers in no network area is not a usual one for us.

So I met two of my trekmates in the Delhi railway station and we started our journey together to Dehradun. Around 6:30 in the morning, I reached Dehradun and met the other trekmates who were waiting outside railway station. Then the introductions happened and a guy who looked not more than 20 came and introduced himself as my trek leader and he is Himanshu. Haha I was shocked. I had to check twice whether he was the trek leader for real. Then our journey to the village of Sankri began. Sankri is the base camp for our trek. It is around 180 kms from Dehradun. 10 of us got into tempo Traveller and started our journey to the base camp. On the way we had our dinner and lunch.

I still wonder why did I order Dosa in the pahadi restaurant. It was so worse all I wanted to do was to take a flight back to Chennai and have a Saravana Bhavan Dosa. And yeah I don't blame anybody. On the way I saw the glimpses of snow and Yamunotri ranges. Man I was damn excited for this trip!

At around 5, we reached our base camp and got settled in the rooms provided. I explored the village for some time and went to the temple and prayed without knowing who's the God🤦 Back in the camp, all the prerequisites for the trek(medical history, documents) were checked by our trek leader and he started the briefing for trek. We gave a brief introduction about ourselves and it reminded me of my college first day. Then I was so nervous but now it was so fun. I was smiling for no reason. 20 of trekmates came from different cities of India. One big gang from Bangalore, one couple from Mumbai to celebrate anniversary, one couple to celebrate honeymoon, one engaged couple, a father daughter duo from Kolkata, guys from Rajasthan, Mumbai. It was a mix of everything. Once the briefing was done, I went out to have my dinner and felt the first cruel chill of the trek. To be honest, I have never been in a place where the temperature is below 18° C. That too because this year we had actual winter in Chennai. So when you put me in the 4° C, obviously I would shiver and freeze. I was about to cry when I couldn't feel my hands. Himanshu smiled and said 'Hota hai hota hai'. Adeii!! All I wanted to do was to smack his face at the very moment. Then I grabbed the hot tea vessel and had some food for the growling stomach and retired to bed soon. I couldn't help imagining how I'm going to survive for the next 4 days. Truth to be told, I was excited for the trek and panicked for the cold. Somehow I was drawn into a dreamless sleep.

The next day I got up to the commanding voice of Himanshu. This time he wanted to check blood pressure at 6:30 in the morning. Phewww!! There gone my sleep with him. We got ready and had our breakfast and all set to go for the trek. On the first day we had to cross 2.5 kms. But believe me when I tell you it's not just 2.5 kms. When you ascend the mountain, you would feel it requires double or triple the energy to cross than the one guides have mentioned.

After getting the do's and dont's from Himanshu, we started our trek following the trail. We would have walked hardly for 500 m , then it was just snow. I came to know that this year the snowfall was very heavy and usually on this trek we get to see snow only on 3rd day but this time we got it 1st day itself. I was quite happy and excited and got into my usual jumpy mode to see the snow.

I had to pinch myself to make sure that I was not dreaming. I was walking on the 3 feet snow and all I could see was just snow. I played and played and played throughout the trail and fatigue started showing it's face before I could reach the 1st campsite. With much struggle and constant Chalo chalo echoes from the guides Sunil Bhai and Upi Bhai, I reached the camp.

It was such a mesmerizing sight! One side its a valley of snow and other side stood the glorious pine trees bathed in snow yet giving the majestic looks. We have got two local dogs to play with and it accompanied us to other camp sites as well. We played mafia, cards, some funny games for introductions and had a blast on the first day. It felt so very good to get rid of my inhibitions and be able to mingle with a group about whom I knew nothing of. Once the dinner done, some of us decided to go for star gazing and the argument, discussion about various topics during star gazing we had, are something that's gonna stay with me forever.

Second day dawned little cloudy and sun was not ready to come out and meet us. Today we had to cross 4-5 kms. There were three steep ascends in the trail and I was dreaded and excited as usual. But it was much better than I expected and was one of the firsts to reach base camp. On the way we had so much fun and as for me, 2nd day was the best. I sang the loudest on the way and threw snow at everyone I saw and we played with the fresh snow on the whole trail.

I stopped at so many places and wondered whether I'm in heaven. The moment I saw the frozen lake Juda ka thalaab, I fell in love almost immediately. How can everything be so pristine white like there is no hint of cruelty or bad vibes in it! Words fail me to describe the magnificence of the nature. No adjectives are enough to express the beauty of it. All I could do was to be in the moment and enjoyed it till lasts.

The same joyous mood stayed for the complete day. Even in the campsite, we played games but this time, on the snow. I was so carefree, and didn't have any worry about anything in the world. I made snowman(with huge help from Rahul), engaged in snow fight, played so many games. It was just merry making time for us.

After the two days of trek, I was confident that I could manage to reach the summit. So it was never a question of whether I could do or not.

Himanshu told that we would be starting at 5 in the morning for the summit. Around 11 pm, I woke up to the butterflies in my stomach. I thought it was the excitement and nervousness of climbing the peak. But later I found it was the butterflies of sickness. I threw up twice and Himanshu was called and he gave medicines and clearly told me that he wouldn't allow me for summit if my condition remains the same. So I prayed all the gods to keep me fit and healthy just for a day.

Around 3:30 am, we got the woke up call and we were welcomed with snowfall and bone breaking cold. I hoped that weather and my health get better before trek get started. An hour passed with the refreshments and nokjhoks. Weather got much better than me. I was feeling breathlessness for walking from my tent to dining area. Himanshu told me that I'm not going anywhere and asked me to take rest. After much pleading and him not wanting a debate in the morning, I started the trek. I took my father's muffler with me and keep on talking with it as if with my father. I keep on telling 'Appa epdiyadhu poidanum'. I pretty much managed half way then suddenly I started feeling nausea and was about to faint. I had to walk to a hut which was 100m away where I could take rest and start again but I couldn't even reach there. At that moment I realised I'm not gonna make it to summit and I failed. I informed my guides and Himanshu that I'm not coming and they can go ahead. I sat in the hut for 20 minutes feeling dejected and listening to a guide and other fellows who decided not to go to summit for various reasons. I listened and listened and suddenly I couldn't any more. I came out controlling my tears and looked at the majestic Kedarkantha peak for one last time and started to run to the base camp. Alone. Defeated. I blamed myself, my father, my health, Himanshu, anything and everything that came on my mind. And then I stopped and took a look around me. It was just snow and mountains looking at me. I sat there on the snow and started thinking why I failed. Then I realized I triumphed the moment I took the TT to Sankri with 10 odd strangers. It was never about the climbing the summit at 13000 ft. It was about me coming out of my comfort zone which I have drawn for myself. I still remember when I was roaming on the streets of Delhi, I gave a thought of going back to Chennai without even showing up in Dehradun. But I came to Sankri and for 3 days I was among the strangers doing things which I have never done in my life and lived my life like never before and survived -20° C. This is the success for me and this is what I wanted. If I climbed the summit, that would definitely been a cherry on the top but I can't sulk over it and not seeing the happiness and fulfillment I got every other minute over the past 3 days. I have never seen snow in my life but here I'm walking on the snow and couldn't see anything other than snow and beautiful ranges. Why would I worry for something which I can't control?? With determined mind, I started walking to the base camp. This time contented and happy. I danced, I sang, I laughed, I played, I talked with the mountains and I slid down the snow. Simply I lived in the moment and enjoyed the time. With the whole hearted happiness, I reached the base camp, gulped the medicines and waited for others to join. I heard the stories of people who climbed the summit and to my surprise I didn't regret the decision of coming down. We stayed in the pahad for two more days and enjoyed the bliss and started our way back to Dehradun bidding good byes to our guides, Himanshu and the black dog who accompanied me throughout the trek! Being emotional type that I'm, I shed two or three tears when Himanshu hugged and asked me to come back to finish the summit.

When coming back, all the memories of the last 5 days rushed in my mind and probably the precious memories of my life. I'm sure I will go back to see the mountains again. May be they wanted me to come again and that could be the reason for my sickness 😝 (When you're are so optimistic, you can say anything)

This 5 day trek was not just another vacation for me. It was the best time and there is a feeling of content and self realisation! I realised it's ok to give yourself a break and live the life a little at times!!

While we were on the trek, everyone had a story to tell. When they looked at me, I told them with much embarrassment that I don't have any story. Rahul cheered me up and said 'Now you have got a story'.

And yeah now I have got a story to tell everyone💛

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: alright? Carly: yea Ali: you want any water, pain killers? Carly: k to both Ali: can have my headphones too if you can deal with my music taste Carly: you could sing to me tho Ali: i've got the pipes, yeah but not sure anyone else wants me belting over the racket Carly: idc about them Ali: yeah Ali: one of us gotta get home with a spotless record, tho Carly: You can't get in trouble for being loud Carly: Leesha knows that Ali: she just leads a charmed life 🍀 Carly: or 🔮 Ali: Didn't need no crystal ball to see through your plans, soz babe Carly: who does Ali: got further than you had any right Ali: poor woodfield on bog watch 'til dubo now Carly: ha Carly: gave her something to do Carly: but nobodys trying it again like Ali: reckon you're right Ali: no one got that kinda deathwish Carly: trying to kill me w a stare tho Carly: she loves it Ali: hmm Ali: less sure on that Carly: i am Carly: try it tho bitch Carly: feel 🕱 Ali: got until we get back Ali: that's when the real shit begins Ali: what're you gonna do carls Carly: idk idc Carly: theyre gonna do what they want Carly: & not like my ma & da will throw a fit Ali: sure? Ali: shame Ali: hoping your Da would move Drew on Carly: im not 12 now babe Carly: & he isn't a beautiful romany lad Carly: my ma will like the look of him i kno Ali: you're 14 Ali: still got a few more years of compulsorary giving a shit about you left Carly: yea Carly: but its no big Ali: you could get expelled Carly: nah Carly: didnt go anything cuz leesha had to speak up about it Ali: you blame her Carly: nah but its facts Carly: nothing happened Ali: I don't think that's how they see it Carly: k but Carly: idc Carly: forget it Ali: k but HOW Carly: what? Carly: dont worry about it babe k Carly: im not trying to Ali: I know you're trying to avoid a freakout but Ali: fucking hell Ali: why Carly: why what? Carly: whats your problem? Ali: only the same as yours Ali: not enjoying the chaos around us or the chaos waiting at home Carly: nah Carly: but worry about your sister Carly: this is nothing Ali: no it isn't Carly: just chatter Carly: weve heard it all before Ali: you're a we now yeah Carly: ha Carly: everyone on this coach has heard it & said it is what i mean Carly: dont be jealous babe Ali: Why would I be jealous? Carly: im only playing Carly: i kno youre not Ali: Whatever Carly: dont be mad at me Carly: be fun Ali: not feeling it Carly: baby come on Carly: why tho Ali: you actually need to ask? Carly: yea Carly: i havent done anything wrong Ali: it ain't about right or wrong Ali: it's still a mess and i'm over it Ali: that's all Carly: k Carly: but ive been a mess since we met & you cba about that before Ali: i didn't say you Ali: the situation Carly: theres no situation Carly: only sex that didnt even happen Ali: forget about it Carly: nah Carly: say what you wanna say Ali: okay, the fact he's fucking ruined this entire trip Ali: Ro had to go home Ali: and Laoise is taking the opportunity to cyberbully her about it as if she's not already fucked up enough from it Ali: and he's not even a little bit sorry that he just wasted the last 3 months of her life with his bullshit Carly: None of that's my bad Carly: be mad at him not me Ali: I am Ali: but I'm mad at you for not giving enough of a shit to not get dragged down in his crap either Carly: hes not dragging me anywhere but the bathroom Ali: bullshit Carly: nah Carly: youre making it something else Carly: its not Ali: the whole bus is slagging on you Ali: half of them wanna fight you Ali: and that's cos of this Ali: its not debateable its facts Carly: and what Carly: when dont they Ali: there was no need Carly: yea there was Ali: no worthwhile one then whatever Carly: worthwhile to me Ali: i really hope so Carly: wouldve been like Ali: i don't need to hear Carly: k Carly: be like that Ali: yeah i will Carly: why do you wanna fight w me? Ali: i don't Ali: you got your priorities i got mine Carly: but youre a priority you kno Ali: its alright Ali: let's leave this drama behind Carly: how tho Carly: youre still gonna be mad Ali: yeah but that is what it is Ali: nothing's going to change Ali: we'll both deal Carly: but Ali: idk Ali: idk what we do, if you think of something lemme know Carly: im sorry Ali: me too Carly: tell me what to do Carly: i wanna make you feel better Ali: I dunno, Carls Ali: its all already done Ali: not just you, all of us Carly: lets do something else Carly: go somewhere else Carly: whatever you want Ali: Oh, that reminds me Ali: Tommy's back, he asked if you wanna go out Carly: is it k w you if i come? Ali: yeah Carly: nah its weird Ali: no it isn't Ali: i don't wanna not see you Ali: fuck that Ali: its just this trip and him Carly: i only did it cuz he said hed hook me up when we got back Carly: i dont want him Ali: its alright Ali: you don't have to explain to me Carly: its not Carly: alright isnt how we feel you kno Ali: as far as this trip goes Ali: i'll take it, babe Carly: i shouldnt have come on it Ali: nah, don't say that Ali: apart from this shit Ali: it was good, right? Carly: but this shit happened cuz im not good Carly: my heads wrecked Ali: no Ali: it didn't Ali: yeah, you went there too but so did Laoise and it coulda been any girl Carly: she didnt fuck him for a hit tho Carly: why i gotta do that Ali: that hit of revenge Ali: worse reason, to be honest Carly: yea Carly: she is the worst we kno Ali: you're not bad Carly: im not an angel like you babe Ali: yeah you is Ali: can't fool me Carly: you cant stop being nice to me Ali: and what bitch Carly: youre meant to be mad Ali: i'm sick of it Ali: its not getting us anywhere so Carly: where you wanna get to baby Ali: better Carly: we'll start tonight Carly: out w your brother Ali: yeah Ali: fucking ray of ☀ that he is Carly: ha Carly: maybe ill find a nice girl at the club tho Carly: then youll be happy Ali: i don't wanna be that bitch about it Ali: just drew, babe, c'mon 😝 Ali: please tell me i ain't that bitch Carly: ha Carly: hes no worse than ronan tho Carly: to your sister k but not to me Ali: yeah and thinking 'bout how hard Ronan sucks made you cry the other day so Ali: 👀 Carly: dont Carly: he took your vs its so sad Carly: i wouldnt let goldie take mine nah Ali: I dunno what the fuck I was thinking Carly: youre too good Carly: you think everyone is Carly: 👼 Ali: nah Ali: I mean, he ain't the 😈 but he was bad enough for my purposes Ali: my stupid ass 🙄 Carly: nah you're too smart Carly: you knew what you were doing like Carly: been there had that fight w my ma Ali: the flashbacks not needed Ali: still got that 📢 in my ear Ali: though, probably gonna lay off a bit now Drew's showed Caleb up for the good boy he is Ali: awks Carly: its my turn Carly: thanks for turning up ma & da turn into his drama Carly: then turn away cuz nothing to see Ali: yours back home rn? Carly: nah but im sure theyll get the summons if the teachers kick off loud enough Ali: shit Ali: they gonna kill ya? Carly: theyll only be mad if their hol gets cut short but like they can go again when the teachers have had a word Carly: dont need a babysitter Ali: yeah, soz we can't come back we got free drinks here 'til next week so Carly: you kno Carly: gotta draw straws for which one shows up & who gets to keep the party going Ali: 1000 on ur dad showing up then Carly: yea Carly: plot twist my nan rocks up like it hasnt been years Carly: carly who bitch Ali: bitch same Ali: missing nan gang Ali: conspiracy, like Carly: i kno where she is but she not trying to kno us Carly: family fights like Carly: boring Ali: gurl, so much in common Ali: let tommo regale you with the fuckery Ali: other peeps drama always be more fun Ali: WELL Carly: hes such a gossipy bitch Carly: ill tell him about all this so he can have fun w Ali: beat u to the reveal honey but Ali: always more scandal I probably saved him from Carly: you been chatting about me Carly: aw Ali: yeah Ali: keep my slagging on the downlow Ali: wise up lads Carly: its k cuz youre creative Carly: its all slut, slag and whore w them Ali: truly Ali: switch it up Carly: drew did skank and he was wasted so its not hard Ali: 🤢 Ali: anything drew is capable of is basal Carly: wtf does that mean tho Carly: he calls me a bitch a lot like boy thats mine and my girl's thing k bye Ali: he talks a lotta shit for such a lil bitch boy himself Ali: yeah, back off Ali: ur not part of the gang Carly: he wants to be on you so bad that id feel bad but cant cuz yea hes a prick Ali: i can't Ali: why bitch Ali: like, i'm nice the rest of the time but like, no nicer to him than any other acquaintance Ali: and rn its clear i lowkey hate Carly: cos youre you Carly: who wouldnt want that Ali: 😽 Ali: always out here hyping me up boo Carly: yea i love you Ali: i love you too bitch Carly: serious tho Carly: im sorry Carly: i hate it when youre mad at me Ali: i swear i was never mad at you Ali: who could be mad at that lil face Ali: right teachers? 🤞 Carly: ha Carly: well they saw me making a seduction face like Carly: my bad Ali: don't act like you didn't love that too lads Carly: you kno Carly: youve seen it its good Ali: willing to write that review Carly: aww Carly: so sweet Carly: id give you top marks too baby Ali: you better 😒 Ali: don't be lying to me or yourself baby 😏 Carly: ha Carly: nah youre the best Carly: no lie Ali: 😳 Carly: so cute Ali: just trying make me have a huge head to drag my cute down Carly: nah you earned those props from me Carly: put a lot of work in Ali: no slacker 💪 Carly: facts Carly: lot of fun Ali: funsized Ali: that's my secret Carly: aw Carly: but were the same size tho Ali: exactly Ali: team pocket rocket Ali: get out giant boys Carly: your boy gotta stay cuz hes not i see you bitch Ali: 😎 Ali: you said yourself, i'm too smart Carly: 🖕 Ali: how tall is my brother Ali: forgot Ali: kick him out of his own partay how rude Carly: shit Carly: sorry boy Ali: can walk on his knees if he wanna hang Carly: or hands Carly: wtf would that make a difference nah Ali: nah babe Ali: that perfect form Ali: twat 😒😂 Carly: im too sober to have thoughts Carly: no scholarship to a fancy school for me Ali: don't be fooled, he only there 'cos he can twerk good 💅 Ali: #bitchmetoothefuck Carly: fuck why you worried about me getting expelled from here if thats what it takes to go there Carly: i got this Ali: you just gon leave me like that Ali: 😞 ok Carly: nah Carly: come w me baby Ali: running away to london Ali: heard worse plans Carly: you kno Carly: be fun Carly: we always have a good time running off together Ali: no lie Ali: maybe we can crash when he goes back early to get settled 'cos he's dramatic like that Ali: lots of fit boys, can't all be gay Carly: are they allowed to fuck Carly: or is it like footballers and shit Ali: Ooh Ali: we'll have to ask Ali: good pickup line, babe Carly: i'll ask your brother if hes getting any Ali: he'll die of embarrassment 💀 Carly: aw Carly: is he a virgin serious Ali: I think so Ali: he won't say obvs, withholding that ☕ so shady Carly: i'll ask Carly: find him a cutie to do the honors Ali: 🙈 Ali: he was feeling sorry for you but he gon' wanna square up now too Carly: yea? Carly: i need the practice if i gotta fight leesha again Ali: 😒 she better stay tf away if she knows what's good Ali: still, he used to being target practice Ali: he quick tho Carly: teach me those ballerina girl moves Carly: never went as a kid Ali: aww baby Ali: i did for the hottest of secs but Carly: bet your ma has pics im hitting her up Ali: yeah, she loves pissing herself @ me, the cow Ali: you can join now, or yoga with me, your fave 😉 Carly: nah Carly: got enough teachers on my case Carly: & bitchy girls Ali: 😱 Ali: i ain't that bad, rude Carly: never you my baby Carly: youre the only one who isnt Ali: bus full of bitches Ali: sounds like a song marlene would write Carly: pitch it to her Carly: or find her in the club Ali: maybe Ali: idk if she's got a girl rn Ali: we shall see Carly: me & her Carly: weird Carly: i'll ask her if shes feeling it Ali: oh lord Ali: can't play with her like a boy tho Ali: wifey'd up before you know it Carly: nah she scares me Carly: im a good wife tho Ali: you is Ali: but you wanna be? Carly: what? Ali: you don't wanna be no wifey Carly: not hers Ali: as long as not his either then we good Carly: ha Ali: 👀 Carly: what you saying w those beautiful eyes boo Ali: i see u and ur lack of a response is what i'm sayin Ali: honeyyyy Carly: dont Carly: i said about him before thats it Ali: i'm just playing Carly: dont Carly: he thinks it too Carly: such a prick Ali: i'm soz baby Ali: he thinks everyone loves him as much as he does Carly: yea Carly: i need to find a new dealer Ali: honey, in this town? done is done Ali: find one tonight Carly: so smart