#to be fair this dude first met me when I was a first year PhD student so he has seen me grow from awkward academic duckling

[madanimalscientist]

I am in my 30s, and this week I got a gift card at work because a senior scientist saw me present at a conference where I was the most junior member on a discussion panel with 3 very well-respected scientists and he thought I did a great job especially given the inherent 'aaaaaa' of the situation (I did okay but I was pretty intimidated, and I am one of those weirdos who likes public speaking even). So not only did he tell my boss I did a good job, he filed the internal paperwork so I could get a formal commendation and a gift card and told me to use it for something awesome.

A) the fact that he thought I did good meant a lot, but the fact that he filed paperwork so I'd get official recognition of it? Instant +10 mental shield against imposter syndrome, I was literally speechless and beet red during the meeting when they announced it.

B) The fact that my new ish job (been here 6 months) has procedures in place to recognize stuff like this, including gift cards? HELL YES. Like you can nominate people for these and they send out reminders every so often being like 'hey we want to recognize when people do good stuff! nominate your colleagues!' and I love this re workplace culture

This job is helping me build so much more confidence and smash imposter syndrome but also like it is because they work really hard to make us feel valued and listened to and like our work matters. And this is not an environment I have had anywhere else really, not like this, not at a systemic level - I've had mentors do this, but that was like a one person at the job thing, this is the entire departmental culture. HOLY FUCK I LOVE MY JOB. They outright say they want people to grow and bring their whole selves to work and feel accepted and valued and they put their money where their mouth is and I LOVE THIS JOB SO MUCH.

(But also now the whole lab knows the easiest way to get me to go completely speechless/deer in headlights is to sincerely compliment me and thus the mortifying ordeal of being known rears its head ;p )

consider: teenagers aren’t apathetic about everything they’re just used to you shitting all over whatever they show excitement about

[moonnightyoongi]

puzzle piece | jk

pairing: jungkook x reader

genre: angst, angst, ANGST

word count: 1.8k

description: you just seemed to fit like a puzzle piece

                                     ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You don’t really remember where or how it started. The desire to love, to be loved. Of course, it is simply human nature, the ancient thought that when you are made you are split in two and you spend your life searching for your other half. Except in this day and age that is a thing of the past for some, they simply spend their life by themselves and they enjoy it. But where does that desire go? Surely it just doesn’t disappear – perhaps theirs gets projected onto the one that comes after them. The double desire to find and be loved. The double desire that eats away at them all night and is quickly put on the back burner during the day when they find a measly distraction. If that’s the case, then you are the one that came after. Growing up you were not deprived of love; your parents loved every bone of you, and you had a fair share of friends who would do anything to see you smile. But it all started when you hit the age of dating, everyone seemed to have it so easy, but you always went for the wrong guy or the guy who loved another or you were simply left alone in the corner of the dance while everyone slowed danced and the teachers watched with hawk eyes to make sure they didn’t get too close. No really. 9th grade, the boy who had asked you conveniently got back with his ex while you went to the toilet, and worst of all you couldn’t go cry in the toilets because you had just come out of them!

All your friends say your time will come. But it’s easy for them to tell you all the cliché things when they had met the perfect partner for them. They were happy and content, living in a world where they don’t need to think about anyone else because they had each other. No dating apps, no more awkward first dates, no more unanswered texts, no late-night cries when you receive the ‘you’re great but…’ texts. Just blissfully unaware of the hell on earth that is dating for people who don’t have it as easy as they do.

Jealousy. It’s hard not to be jealous when you go to their house warmings, or their dinner parties or that one engagement party. It’s hard. Sure, you were happy for them, because at least they weren’t feeling the hell and the social pressure to not be alone for the rest of your life. They don’t get the judgemental looks from the bitchy aunt that definitely didn’t have a rushed marriage when she was your age because she was pregnant (definitely didn’t happen – your cousin was 100% premature).

You hear about love languages and how everyone has a specific one, everyone said they knew yours from a mile away – words of affirmation. ‘You constantly need to hear that someone loves you or that they’re proud or that they haven’t changed their mind. Isn’t it tiring?’. Yes, it was extremely tiring, tiring to be constantly trying to tell yourself that you’re being foolish, and they do still love you and they are proud - yet still having the nagging feeling in the back of your mind that it’s all a lie.

“Any dates lined up?” Yuki asks as she scrolls through her phone.

You sigh and put down your drink, “No. I’m done.”

“You said that year and then met that awful dude that thought he was better than you,” Anastasia chimed in.

“He was better than me,” you reply thinking of the doctor and all his PhD’s. Sure, he was an awful person who liked to bring up just how many he had but he had every right to, he had earnt them.

“Just because he had a few pieces of paper doesn’t mean he’s better than you. You have a personality, he didn’t.” Anastasia scoffs stirring her coffee.

You shrug your shoulders as you look out the window, “He’s engaged now.”

“Poor girl,” Yuki laughs putting down her phone, “Does she have any degrees?”

Yuki and Anastasia laugh at the memory of you introducing your ex and him straight away asking if they had any sort of degree between them. Looking back, it made you feel sick to your stomach, he was so rude, and you were so desperate.

“PhD.” You reply.

“Just the one?!” Yuki exclaims, “Disgusting!”

They both laugh once more as you sat silently staring at the half empty coffee expressionless. It was easy to joke about exes when they weren’t yours.

“Listen, a new guy started at my work and he is so much like you I wanna set you two up,” Anastasia says.

“I don’t know, remember the last set up?” you point out. He was a whole foot smaller than you and at one point you had to help him reach something from the second shelf in the supermarket. Ironically, he didn’t want to meet again because you were too small.

“That was my mistake, I didn’t realise he wanted a 6ft girl,” Anastasia tells you, “Come on! He’s lovely, he’s taller than me and the other day he split coffee down himself.”

“So that means he’s perfect for me?”

“A match made,” she smiles, “Please!”

“I’d just do it; how bad could it be?” Yuki points out as you fumbled with your jumper.

“Getting shouted at in aisle 5 because you couldn’t reach the top shelf bad,” you joke. They both burst out into laughter once more as you sighed and watched the rain fall to the ground outside the coffee shop.

“Fine,” you sigh, “What’s his name?”

“Jungkook,” Anastasia smiles.

~.♥ ~

The lead up to the date was the worst, Anastasia constantly went on about how clumsy he was and how perfect you would be together – her favourite story was him walking into the glass door and simply shaking it off before going into a meeting. With every new story it bought up a sense of hope – but even you knew this was dangerous. For what one thinks is cute and endearing another finds childish and immature. What if he wasn’t as cute and as clumsy as Anastasia constantly explained – what if it was because he saw someone cute in the office and got distracted and he was now using you to make her jealous.

“Stop overthinking,” Yuki demands snapping you out of your thoughts.

“How did you-?”

“I’ve known you far too long. You’re either overthinking or over romanticising.”

You smile sadly before looking back into the mirror and applying some more blush. Maybe it was all the fairy tales growing up that made you this way, or maybe it was the tv shows. Either way they had both set you up for failure.

“Jungkook is on his way to the restaurant. It’s under my name,” Anastasia smiles walking into the room with her phone in hand, “Tae said good luck!”

“So does Jae,” Yuki smiles.

“I need it,” you mutter standing up and fixing your dress, “What do I do if he doesn’t show?”

“He’s on his way,” Anastasia sighs.

“What if he goes to the wrong restaurant?”

“They won’t seat him because my name won’t be on the list of reservations.”

“What if they don’t do reservations?” you challenge.

“You’re annoying me. He’s on his way to the right restaurant where he will give in my name and will be seated waiting for you.”

“But-,”

“Stop! Get in the taxi,” Anastasia shouts cutting you off. You drop your head as you walk down the stairs sheepishly. Anything could happen, you could arrive before him and he could look at you and change his mind. He could arrive before you and when you walk in scream and run out the back entrance. Everything was a possibility.

“Anastasia,” you smile nervously to the hostess.

“This way, your party is waiting for you,” she smiles kindly. Party? How many where here? Did Anastasia set up a conveyer belt to give you your best shot? You don’t think you could handle multiple rejections in one night.

Walking into the dining room you spotted him straight away. He was staring out the window, his leg twitching under the table – so much so he knocked over the pepper. His red face made you flutter and as you got closer the butterflies became more and more active. He was as clumsy as Anastasia had described and a lot cuter than she had as well.

“Your table,” the hostess smiles placing the menu down and walking away.

“Y/N,” Jungkook smiles standing up quickly, “I’m Jungkook!”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” you smile pulling the chair out.

“I should have pulled your chair out for you, shouldn’t I?” he wonders aloud.

“No, because if you couldn’t push it back in, I’d probably overheat with embarrassment,” you laugh pulling your chair in and hitting your hip on the table, “Fuck!”

The restaurant stares at you as you held back anymore swearing.

“Very hard table,” Jungkook jokes before they resume, “Are you okay?”

“I’ve got shivers.”

“You’ll have a bruise tomorrow,” he laughs as you finally sit down.

“I bruise so easily; my whole left side will be.”

“My friend is the same, he once caught his ankle on the door and couldn’t wear a shoe for weeks. The whole thing was swollen. He used all the ice in my freezer too,” Jungkook laughs.

“What about the ice in his freezer?”

“We live together so I guess he used all of his too,” he replied.

You laugh loudly as you opened the menu, all the anxiety had melted away when he smiled in your direction.

~.♥ ~

Days had turned into months and months had turned into a year. There was something about him that was so different from everyone you had met before. Nothing you did was ever childish or embarrassing and the same for him. You two just seemed to fit like a puzzle piece. He made you laugh, he made you feel safe, he made sure you knew he loved you. Whether it was by sending you a midday message when you were in work, or whether it was a cheesy video of him kissing the screen. He would bring ramen when you were stressed, and alcohol when it was time to celebrate. You would attend parties together and would spend all night dancing, drinking and laughing. You finally felt happy when attending engagement parties, housewarming parties and everything else that used to fill your social calendar with dread.

It’s just a shame it was all a lie.

masterlist | tell me what you think

[florenceandthemachine]

hear your heartbeat

happy birthday to the incomparable @elisela!!! just for you, please enjoy a good fake-dating au with plenty of idiotic and family members abound.

12.5k - on Ao3

—————

“I’m telling you, Scotty. New York has been good to me. Maybe we should just renounce California and stay here for the summer.”

“Don’t joke about that, dude.”

Stiles laughed as he shouldered his phone, taking in the city air as he strolled along the streets of Manhattan.

Needless to say, Manhattan was far from home—while the city certainly was his vibe, Stiles was no stranger to tamping down the champagne tastes that clashed with his tapwater budget. The little shitbox apartment he got through NYU’s housing program was almost a thirty minute train ride from school, but Stiles figured that when he was more or less trapped on campus for nearly fifty hours a week, he could justify spending his breaks wandering the streets of Manhattan and really taking in the city.

On today’s agenda, Stiles was looking forward to wandering around a farmers market that literally stretched on for city blocks. There were fruits and vegetables literally as far as the eye could see, spices and roots and mysterious tubers of all shapes and size, but Stiles didn’t give a flying fuck about the food—his real interest were the vendors and the shoppers.

He had learned early on that open air markets like this were perfect meeting grounds for mythical beasts of all shapes and sizes, so, what better palace for him to do some… field work, so to speak?

There were nymphs who had full bouquets of beautiful flowers that lived suspiciously long in their vases as long as you complimented the blooms on a regular basis. Dryads who sold the most delicious fruit he had ever tasted, even if they charged six bucks for a pear.

Stiles had learned early on to avoid the fae—basically, any stand that sold crystal or metalcraft. His first time at the market, he had somehow wound up spending nearly four hundred dollars on quartz; the moment the money had left his hand, the stall had all but vanished in front of him.

“The people are good here. They’re fast. Blunt. Sarcastic. My kind of people.”

“Uh huh.”

Scott liked to call their whole situation lucky.

When Stiles applied to NYU’s doctorate program, he expected rounds and rounds of interviews, lists of deadlines he needed to memorize, and some less-than-subtle digs at his proposed field of study (which was fair, honestly—he knew that criminology and mythology rarely mixed).

What he didn’t expect was Scott, though, the bro of all bros. When Stiles told him he was applying to NYU, Scott had cheered him on, helped him prepare, and then immediately applied to different veterinary positions through the state.

(Scott was golden, obviously—he had years of training, letters of recommendation from everyone he had ever met, and him being a werewolf basically made him the animal whisperer.)

At the end of the day, Stiles got to pursue his passion thanks to a hodgepodge of grants at NYU, and Scott was awarded a fellowship in veterinary medicine through the Bronx Zoo. What kind of weird twist of luck would let the best friends wind up together across the country like that?

So, yeah, Scott called it luck.

Stiles called it karmic retribution for their supremely fucked-up years at Beacon Hills High, but even he could admit that ‘luck’ sounded nicer... and if Stiles was being honest, ‘luck’ was definitely the best way to classify his meeting Derek Hale.

Derek Hale was smart, he was sarcastic, and he could go toe-to-toe with Stiles over completely obscure things for literal hours. He was a first-year professor at NYU, who had the tiny office right next to the broom closet Stiles had managed to shove PHD desk into, and he was probably the only other person in the program that took mythology seriously (meaning he was the only person who didn’t make Stiles want to put his head through the wall).

He was also hot as fuck, but that was beside the point. Stiles had a little bit of a massive crush, but that was also beside the point.

They had built up a fast friendship based on a series of arguments about the Necronomicon, of all things, and Stiles loved the thought of being friends with someone who didn’t know him as the weird kid in high school who knew way too much about ritual sacrifice and circumcision.

He had evened out a lot through undergrad. He was still awkward, sure, but he was awkward with a refillable prescription for Adderall and some sort of brain-to-mouth filter.

(Honestly, the fact that Stiles had managed to avoid making a single joke about the werewolf who was stuck teaching Mythology 101 really did speak volumes to his newfound maturity.)

Speaking of Derek, though…

“Stiles! Hey, Stiles!”

Stiles almost jumped a foot in the air as he heard his name called, doing a spectacular near-drop-mid-air-catch of his phone as he regained his footing, turning on the spot to see a taller woman with jet black hair waving him over.

She was… okay, she was gorgeous—dark hair, smooth skin, someone who looked like she just stepped out of one of the windows on Fifth Avenue—but Stiles was decently distracted, because standing beside her was Derek Hale, the object of his extremely private affection for the past few months. Who, for whatever reason, was standing there looking like he wanted the sidewalk to open up and swallow him whole.

“Scotty, I’ll see you tonight, yeah? I gotta go.”

Stiles pocketed his phone as he cautiously made his way over to the pair—trio, he corrected, because there was another woman with them, looking incredibly more invested in the conversation now that another party was joining them.

He hiked his canvas a bit higher up as he smiled, trying to remember where he had seen the two before… students, maybe, but if that were the case, they would know Derek, not Stiles. They weren’t faculty members, he was sure of that. Donors to the program, maybe?

Well, if they were donors, Stiles sincerely hoped that Derek would have tried harder to wear literally any expression other than his current ‘bitter and miserable’.

And if they were donors, why were they so fucking happy to see him?

“I’m Laura. This is Cora.”

The taller of the two women extended her hand confidently as Stiles got within arms reach, and he instinctively reached out to take it, Cora following suit. “Derek has told us all about you. I have to say, I figured there was at least a ten percent chance you were made up, but… here you are!”

“Here I am!” Stiles was officially lost, but he kept his smile up, cheeks pinking up a little bit as he turned back to Derek. “You’ve been talking about me?” he asked, his voice on the line between flattered and teasing, nudging Derek playfully as he tilted his head.

“Stiles, I—“

“Of course he has! Derek’s a private guy, sure, but you can’t be surprised he told us about his new—“

“Laura—”

“Lord, Derek, calm down. You already had your big bisexual awakening, I’m allowed to be excited to meet your first boyfriend.” Laura shot back, her glare rivaling Derek’s absolute best ‘listen to teacher’ look, and Stiles could see the muscle in his jaw start to twitch. He probably would have done something, but… he was basically short circuiting, brain trying to keep up with whatever the fuck Laura had said, because Derek now had his arm around Stiles’ waist.

Derek had a big bisexual awakening?

And a boyfriend, apparently?

How had Stiles missed that??

“Stiles, these are my sisters, Laura and Cora Hale.”

Okay, great, they were Derek’s sisters. Stiles didn’t even know that Derek had sisters, which was a little sad if he thought about it.

Thankfully, he didn’t have long to think about it, because Derek—

“This is Stiles, my… my boyfriend. Now stop bombarding him. Give him half a fucking second before you go a thousand miles an hour.”

Oh—oh God. Stiles was the boyfriend.

He had seriously missed something, then—he didn’t think he had confessed his feelings for Derek anytime recently, or he probably would have died from embarrassment. Scott was really good at hiding his phone when he was drinking, which ruled that entire scenario out. Stiles could be forgetful at times, sure, but he thought he would remember if he had managed to score himself a boyfriend.

He looked up at Derek, trying to ignore the sudden burn of contact where their bodies were pressed together, but his brain was extremely focused the moment that he caught the look on Derek’s face, there and gone in a flash. He felt the hand squeeze at his waist, and the message was clear enough.

Please.

Ah, well. Stiles was always good at bullshitting, and this was no exception.

“No, no, Der, it’s fine! It’s good to meet you both, sorry, I wasn’t even expecting to see Derek until… uh, later, let alone meet anyone new,” Stiles said, his voice 100% betraying his nerves as it picked up an octave.

Laura’s voice was much more evenly toned, even if it was a little teasing. “Oh? You two have big plans tonight? We aren’t interrupting anything, are we?” she said with a grin, giving the distinct impression that even if they were interrupting, she and her sister wouldn’t be leaving until they were good and ready. Stiles felt his mind kick into overdrive, waving the question aside.

“Oh, nothing like that. We were going to meet up with my friend Scott for dinner, introducing the boyfriend to the best friend, you know how it is,” he continued, hoping his little chuckle wasn’t too terribly fake as he reached up to pat the lapels of Derek’s jacket, letting his fingers linger a little too long on Derek’s chest as he nodded.

He hoped that she knew how it was. Hell, Stiles didn’t even know how it was. He hadn’t exactly been rolling in romance since moving across the country.

“Well, if you say so,” Laura mused, raising a perfect brow, head tilted to the side. “You look like you’re about to pass out, Stiles. You alright?”

And, okay, Stiles knew enough to know what that meant. It meant that her super-sonic ears could hear his heart trying to break through his ribs with a staccato beat, typically a tell-tale sign that someone was lying, but… maybe he could work that to his advantage. He swallowed, voice a little tight as he laughed, waving the concern away.

“Sorry, I just wasn't… planning on meeting the family today,” Stiles said, probably the most truthful thing he had ever said. “Usually I’d try to prepare a little more, you know, make sure I’m wearing something nice and avoid putting my entire foot in my mouth. Maybe just a toe or two,” he said, relaxing minutely as Cora snorted from her position near Laura’s elbow.

Okay, so self depreciation was a good way to avoid suspicion with all the Hales. Got it.

“Well, if you both have plans, I’ll make this quick,” Laura said, her voice deceptively charming as she sidled up next to Stiles, though he certainly wasn’t going to complain about the way Derek’s hand tightened around his waist. “The semester is up soon, what are your plans this summer? Never mind, move them back. We’re having a family reunion the week after finals, and everyone is dying to meet baby brother Derek’s new boo after all the stories he’s told.”

…stories?

He looked up to Derek again, who was now blushing up to the tips of his ears, which—okay, cute—but which told him absolutely nothing and offered him exactly zero defense.

“Actually, I already have a flight booked as soon as my spring contract is up. Heading back to Beacon Hills for a few days, and—“

“Wait, did Derek already invite you?” Laura asked, her expression pleasantly surprised, and Stiles was speechless for a half second before Derek stepped in.

“No, I didn’t invite him because I’m not even going, Laura. Besides, he has his own plans with his own family,” he said, and Stiles blinked as he tried to keep up. “And what do you mean, they’re excited to meet him? I was very clear that the further I can keep him away from you and Mom, the better.”

Laura only rose a brow as she turned back to Cora, who took a beat before looking up from her phone, her expression halfway guilty as she clutched the device. “I uh—I may have just sent a picture of you two to the family group chat.”

Stiles choked on a laugh as Derek gasped—actually gasped—and pulled his phone from his pocket, making the mistake of releasing Stiles’ shoulder to unlock the device, looking absolutely scandalized as he glared at Cora.

It wasn’t long before Stiles had a similar look on his face, though, as Laura took advantage of his free arm, linking her own with his as she started to walk. “Alright, Stiles, here’s the deal.”

“Cora, you little—hey! Laura, get back here with my boyfriend!”

“Calm down little brother, the adults are talking.”

“He’s younger than I am!”

“So, Stiles, like I was saying,” Laura started, oblivious or ignorant to the way Stiles' mind had absolutely reeled when Derek had called him his boyfriend for the second time. “Derek hasn’t been home for more than a day visit since he moved out to this dump, and no one has raised a stink about it in years. This year, though, is… important,” she started, and Stiles nodded idly as he mentally ran through the calendar in his head.

The semester was over in just over a week, with finals crammed into three days after that, and then—oh, the full moon.

No, Stiles corrected himself, the blue moon. The first blue moon in May in probably… thirty years, if he had to guess. He nodded up to Laura as that clicked into place, a flicker of curiosity crossing over her face as she continued talking.

“We won’t take up that much of your time—it’s only like two events, I promise, and I also promise Derek will personally take care of whatever flight changes you have to make so you can still get some time with your family. After all, it’s not your fault my bonehead brother tried to exclude you until now.”

“I’m not a bonehead!” Derek said, his tone of voice just exasperated enough that Stiles sighed, carefully extracting himself from Laura’s grasp as they slowed to a stop near the curb of Fifth Avenue, the noise from the farmers market blending in with the sound of traffic as he turned back to Derek.

“Alright, hang on, hold up,” Stiles started, his tone firm enough to stop the three wolves in their tracks, Derek and Laura wearing matching expressions of surprise as they stopped in their tracks—even Cora was peeking over her phone, clearly interested, and Stiles couldn’t blame them. It had probably been a long time since either of them had been stopped by a human.

“Laura, Derek is not a bonehead. He’s smart, and he’s sweet, and he’s very kind, and it’s okay that he’s a little more private. Yeah, he’s also a stubborn asshole, but… well, that’s one of the reasons I like him so much,” Stiles said, the first genuine smile in the entire conversation gracing his face as he looked at Derek again. “But you know your brother. Did you really think that catching him off guard across the country in person was going to be the best way to convince him to visit?”

He was fine taking their silence as an answer, honestly.

“Now, Derek, that being said, I… if you are comfortable with it, I can rearrange my plans and come down with you. If you’re not comfortable with that, that’s okay too. Meeting the family—at least, the rest of the family—is a very big step,” he continued, his words very pointed.

(Yes, Derek, meeting the family would be a very big step for someone you weren’t even dating, please pick up on the subliminal messaging here.)

“But even if you’re not comfortable with me being there, I think you should still go down. I’ll get to spend plenty of time with my dad, you shouldn’t have to be all alone up here while I’m gone.”

Moving to smooth over the lapels on Derek’s jacket again, Stiles only barely tampered down a noise of surprise as Derek intercepted his hands, pleasantly shocked by how easily Derek’s warm, smooth fingers slipped between his own lanky digits.

Stiles felt his cheeks pinks up as he cleared his throat, doing his best to act normal, because he was… well, he wasn’t lying. He had absolutely thought about Derek being alone here in New York while Stiles was gone, but that was more in the sense that Stiles would miss him.

He just didn’t know that Derek might be missing some family, too.

Besides, he may not have known that much about the intricacies of a normal, family pack, but Stiles knew enough to know that a big event like this would probably be good for Derek, even if he didn’t want to admit it.

Even if Derek was going to reject his offer and go down alone.

…because Derek was going to reject him.

Derek was going to reject him, right?

Stiles had been fairly sure of that when he offered, but judging by the way Derek couldn’t meet his eyes after something as simple as holding hands, Stiles might have just fucked himself over. Derek opened and closed his mouth twice before he finally let out a huff of air and looked up, doing a remarkably good impression of a guilty animal as he looked at Stiles.

“…you’re sure you don’t mind?”

Fuck.

“Derek, I wouldn’t have offered if I minded,” Stiles said, and that much was at least true—but before he could say anything else, Laura was squealing in his ear, wrapping both of them up in a hug so tight Stiles almost had to remind her that he was human, but he was able to breathe again as the car next to the curb chirped.

“Thank God, Stiles, thank you for getting through to him! Oh, Nana is gonna flip out when she hears who’s coming—Derek, you know you’ve always been her favorite—Stiles, do you have any dietary restrictions? Derek, send me his number, and—no, Cora, you are not driving us back to the airport, move your ass—“

Stiles looked up to Derek, his expression somewhere between bemused and fearful as Laura rambled on, but… well, the apologetic look that Derek had on his face wasn’t much reassurance.

“—and Stiles, you’re going to love Beacon Hills. Bye boys! See you in two weeks!”

Stiles was left, partially shellshocked as Derek’s hand slipped from his own, the need for the facade no longer essential as the shiny silver rental car pulled into traffic.

“… Derek, since when the fuck are you from Beacon Hills?”

—————

“Scotty, stop laughing, this isn’t funny.”

“Dude, are you kidding me? This is hilarious.”

Stiles groaned as he shoved another slice of pizza into his mouth, ignoring the burning sensation that spread across his tongue as he tried to pack as much melted cheese as he could into one bite.

Scott’s apartment had been their go-to for the entire time he and Stiles had been in the city—not because it was huge and glamorous, not by any means, but Scott’s shoebox had a door between the bathroom and the living room, and therefore it was the best place for bro-time by default.

Stiles had loudly complained about the entire situation when he and Derek showed up on Scott’s stoop, firmly planting himself in his favorite of Scott’s chairs—the ‘old man’ recliner next to Scott’s little television, the game on screen forgotten as he recalled their harrowed tale.

“Stiles, if you weren’t comfortable with it, why even… okay, no, don’t you dare answer me until you swallow,” Derek snapped, and Stiles rolled his eyes as he swallowed a few times, sticking his tongue out at Derek once his mouth was empty.

“Good. Thank you for pretending to be an adult. Now, why did you even offer if it wasn’t something you were comfortable with.”

Because it was supposed to just be a gesture, Derek. Because I didn’t realize you would take it as a serious offer, Derek. Because you were supposed to say no, Derek.

… because I didn’t want you to be alone, Derek.

Honestly, as surprised as Stiles was that Derek took him up on his poorly-timed moment of goodness, he was even more surprised that after Laura drove off, when he numbly asked if Derek wanted to come over to Scott’s for some pizza, Derek actually said yes.

Derek Hale was being social. Alert the media.

(Well… maybe ‘social’ was stretching it a bit—Stiles didn’t know if it was a territory thing or what, but Derek had turned hilariously, awkwardly stiff the moment he stepped inside Scott’s apartment.)

“I offered because I’m nice, dick, but don’t even think that you can turn this on me. Derek, they knew my name. They knew what I looked like. And yeah, I mean, I’m a complete catch and all—oh fuck off, Scotty—but what in the actual, literal fuck?”

Stiles didn’t think it was possible, but somehow Derek got even more tense, shoulders tightening up toward his ears as he looked down. It took a moment before he answered, but Stiles knew by then that Derek usually had to… wind himself up to talk about some things.

“My mother lives on the opposite end of the country, and even then, she still managed to set up twenty four blind dates for me last year. Twenty four, Stiles. That’s basically one every other week. Do you have any idea how much small talk that is? And how much I hate small talk?”

Yes, Stiles thought, to both of those questions. He would never admit this out loud, of course, but thinking about one of the most intensely private people that he knew stuck at some shitty little coffee shop trying to chat with some random female on behalf of his mother was hilarious to a degree he couldn’t fathom.

It definitely wasn’t a redirection of his own… personal feelings that may or may not be directed at Derek. Not at all. Nope.

“So, around the time the spring semester started, when my mother let slide that she had passed along my number to yet another perfectly eligible barista, or something, I panicked and told her I had a boyfriend. And then she asked for a photo, and the most recent one on my phone was that selfie you sent miming your own death in the stacks, so…”

“Oh fuck, Derek,” Stiles started, downing the last of his beer. “Your big bisexual awakening wasn’t just you trying to get out of your mom setting you up on dates, right?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, ass,” Derek said, rolling his eyes as he shook his head. “The two events were completely separate.”

Stiles laughed at the thought, but even then, his mind was reeling. If this wasn’t a recent discovery, how in the fuck did Stiles miss that for so long?

“Well, you’re lucky Scotty and I had a flight booked anyway. I won’t let you face them alone, not when you have a picture perfect boyfriend to show off now—what role should I take on? Doting, love struck fool? Rebel without a care? Some sad forlorn loser who… okay, no, that one is too close to home.”

Scott stood up and laughed as Derek glared at Stiles again, but it didn’t take a genius to see the tiny smile on his face, or the way his shoulders eased as he leaned back into the couch.

“Alright, this is getting too intense a conversation while the game is on. Want another beer, Stiles? You, Derek?”

Stiles made a vaguely affirming noise as he wove his hand in Scott’s direction, eyes drawn back to Derek yet again as the other wolf politely declined, his own attention affixed to the television as the game picked back up.

Derek was… not a particularly expressive person, Stiles knew, and part of that was because Derek had what Stiles affectionately called ‘resting grumpy face’; at least, he did privately, because the one time he said it out loud Derek had thrown the Encyclopaedia of Demomorgons at his head.

So, to the outsider looking in, Derek might have just seemed uninterested in the game; but Stiles had been watching Derek work for the better part of a semester, and he knew perfectly well how to tell when Derek’s resting grumpy face formed an actual frown. Which it did. Because apparently, the Mets had personally offended him.

“I’m sorry, are you seriously glaring at the Mets? While they’re winning?”

Derek leveled Stiles with the most unimpressed glare he could as Scott laughed from his kitchen, walking back into the living room with two beers. “God, I hope he was. It would be nice to have someone with taste in the apartment for once.”

“Scotty!” Stiles gasped, clutching his heart as Scott handed him a beer, extending the claw on his thumb to pop the top off before he handed the bottle over. “The Mets are a treasure, okay? If God lived in New York, she’d be a Mets fan. I have suffered much for my Mets in my lifetime, and they—woah, Derek, you okay?”

Stiles’ charming cliches would have to wait, because when he looked over to Derek, his humor dropped immediately. Derek had gone white as a sheet, jaw slack as he stared at the beer in Stiles’ hand.

He stared back and forth between Scott and Derek, trying to figure what the hell had just happened; it wasn’t until he watched Scott pop the top off of his own beer, looking between the two of them, did Stiles put two and two together.

“Derek, you… you had to know that Scott was a were, right? Like, you had to. He—Scotty doesn’t do subtle.”

“Me?! Stiles, you called me a wet dog for like a month after I fell into the Hudson.”

Derek let out a sort of choked noise as he shut his mouth, coming back into himself as a bit of pink dusted his pale cheeks, hands moving in front of his face. “Of—of course I knew, but—you knew?!”

“Dude, I’m studying mythical lore and criminology. I’m the one who taught this furry fucker how to control himself. Of course I knew, I... oh my god. You didn’t know that I knew—uh, that I know.”

Matching looks of realization dawned on Scott and Stiles’ face as Stiles stood up, putting the beer down on the coffee table. He moved next to Derek as he sat down on the couch, keeping his movement slow, reaching out to pat Derek’s leg like he was a frail old lady.

“Derek, I know.”

After what felt like an age and a half, Derek melted into the couch, a huge sigh leaving his lips as all the tension in his body bled out like a string had been cut, burying his head in his hands.

“We’ve had arguments about wolves in pop culture. I’ve offered to help you out with your coursework every full moon for, like, the entire semester. Dude, you had to know that I knew, there’s no way I didn’t—Derek!” Stiles felt his giddy laughter bubble over as Derek shot him a red-eyed glare through his fingers, his scowl somehow less intimidating now that everything was out in the open.

Okay, Derek wasn’t just a wolf, he was an alpha. That was… interesting.

“God, you two really are perfect fake boyfriends. Two halves of a whole idiot. Derek, are you sure you don’t want a beer? Or maybe something stronger, if you have to deal with Stiles?” Scott said easily, laughing as Stiles immediately protested, though the way Stiles eased himself next to Derek wasn’t exactly subtle, either.

—————

Scott may have been joking, but by the time finals had come and gone, Stiles had accepted the fact that he would have to forgo booze and opt for a mainline of caffeine to keep up with Derek. How one person remained so meticulously organized, Stiles would never know—but in the amount of time it took for Stiles to wrap up his grant work for the semester, Derek had given four exams, proctored three more, cleaned out his office, and shared the updated flight itinerary with Stiles.

“Wait, wait, hang on,” Stiles had said, tripping over an empty box in his tiny office as Derek handed him his updated boarding pass. “Why do we have to change our flights? Scott and I are already booked, you can probably just join us, right?”

Derek rose a perfectly sculpted brow as he tapped the ticket again, shaking his head. “Hey, I promised you’d spend as few days as possible with my family, and I intend to keep that promise. The sooner we get in, the sooner we start that clock, the sooner you get to spend the rest your time with your dad.”

Stiles blinked as he looked down to the itinerary, eyes scanning over the earlier time—and it was non-stop too. That would be a bit killer on the legs, but Stiles could handle that, maybe he could take some time to sleep or pester Derek for...

“Uh, Derek... this ticket is for first class.”

“I know, Stiles, I booked it.”

“Dude, there’s a reason Scott and I booked an economy ticket with a layover in Bismarck. There’s no way I can pay you back for this.”

If looks could kill, Stiles would be... maybe not dead, but at least set on fire. Derek sighed, as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders as he rolled his eyes.

“You’re not paying me back, dumbass. You’re already doing a ton for me with this little... charade, the least I can do is make sure your frail human body—“

“Hey!”

”—is comfortable in a lie flat seat.”

“Look, I appreciate that, but I’m not leaving Scott alone on his flight in coach just because of our... fake... whatever.”

Stiles’ voice trailed off in curiosity as Derek sighed, his cheeks pink as he pulled the paper out of Stiles’ hand, pointing to the second half of the sheet—where MCCALL, SCOTT had been printed in big, bold letters, that Stiles had completely ignored.

“... you got Scott a ticket too?”

“Of course I did. He’s your best friend, I wasn’t going to ask you to leave him behind just for me. Besides, who do you think I got your information from to book the flight?” Derek said dryly, as though his deadpan delivery could cancel out the ruddy color to his cheeks, or the way that Stiles’ stomach flip flopped when the reality of that sunk in.

It was nice that Derek acknowledged the importance of their friendship, in the way that tugged at the little space right beneath his sternum, but something about the way Derek so quickly dismissed himself was... concerning.

Stiles couldn’t help but play that little bit of their conversation over in his head as he packed, as he hopped on the train, as he met up with Scott and Derek in security.

Scott, bless his heart, was absolutely elated—his excitement was almost tangible as they dropped off luggage, walked through security, and stood around at the boarding gate. Derek had to smack the both of them to get them to stand up when first class was called to board, and Stiles idly wondered if Derek regretted associating himself with them when he and Scott managed to trip in sync as they went down the jetway.

Derek and Stiles were seated together, of course, and once Stiles got over the novelty of not having a middle seat on a plane, he liked to imagine he fit right in—easing back into the seat, enjoying the comfort of the little blanket he had been given, grinning at the flight attendant as she checked in with them.

(Scott was one row ahead and across the aisle, close enough that Stiles could lean forward and smack him if he wanted to... but the moment Stiles saw his seat mate, a pretty woman with dark hair and impeccable eyeliner, he knew his best bro would be on a different planet for the entirety of the flight.)

His grin slipped a little bit, though, as he thought back to the conversation surrounding the tickets, and he looked up to Derek as he settled in a bit further.

“So, we never went over what role I should be taking on.”

“Stiles, just be yourself. You’re funny enough, and you generally mean well, they’ll love who you are.”

Yeah… who he was. Well, who he was was someone who was going to be dangerously invested in a fake relationship that would probably end terribly for him, so that was fun. He sighed as he settled into the seat, opening and closing his mouth a few times as he debated on where to go from here.

No time like a non stop plane ride to have a potentially awkward conversation, right?

“Dude, we’re friends, right?”

“We’re fake boyfriends, don’t call me dude.”

Derek’s tone was teasing as he flipped through his SkyMall, a small smile on his face, and Stiles felt a little bit of the tension ease out of his shoulders as he buckled in.

“First of all, I have called many boyfriends ‘dude’ before,” Stiles started, ignoring Derek’s snort of laughter, “and I’m being serious. We... we are friends, right?”

Be it his words or his awkward energy, Derek looked up, surprise on his face as he closed the magazine and stowed it away as the plane bumped down the taxiway.

“Of course we are, Stiles. You’re like... the only person I talk to at work outside of teaching, that’s light years ahead of most of New York as a whole.”

“I mean, I’m glad to hear, I just...” Stiles chewed on his lip as he turned in his seat, weirdly soothed by the roar of the engines as the takeoff roll started. “You know about my dad, and about my school, and about Scott, and those are basically the three important things in my life,” he started, letting out a sigh as Derek just stared at him blankly.

“It’s fine that you’re a private person, I can respect that... seriously, I may not understand it, but I can respect it,” Stiles said, grinning as Derek shot him a look, lowering his voice again as he leaned over the divider between them. “But I didn’t know that you were from my hometown, too. Or that you had sisters, let alone other family. I should have asked, I guess, but... you know you can talk to me about things, yeah? Even after all this is over, you’ll always be Derek to me. Not just another Hale.”

Stiles’ was smiling as he gently bumped Derek’s shoulder with his own, watching the way different emotions warred over his face, biting back on the urge to babble on so he could give Derek the time he needed to respond.

“We’re... we are friends, Stiles. We are.” Derek insisted, looking down to his linked hands as the plane continued to rise. “Sometimes, I just... I’m not great about talking about myself.”

For a while, Stiles thought that was all he was going to get, and honestly, he was fine with it—it wasn’t until the fasten seatbelt sign chimed off and the flight attendants passed out little bottles of water that Derek spoke again, his voice low as he cleared his throat.

“My family is huge. Like, big enough that we need spreadsheets and flowcharts to organize family events like this. I know they love me, and I love them too, of course I do, but I made some really, really stupid decisions when I was younger… I know they forgave me for it, but...”

Derek sighed, taking a deep breath as he ran his hands through his hair.

“Sometimes it’s hard to be around them and still be okay with myself, you know?”

No, Stiles didn’t know. He only had his dad and Scott growing up, but he nodded his head encouragingly as he took a sip of his water.

“I actually have four siblings. Mark is the oldest, and then Taylor, and I’m right between Laura and Cora. They’re betas, like my dad; my mom and I are both alphas, her mom, too…” Derek continued, and Stiles smiled as he settled into his seat.

By the time the flight landed, Stiles’ head was full to the brim with Hale family trivia, names, faces, teasing stories, and the warmth that had danced across Stiles’ chest for the past year or so had bloomed into a full-on fire.

Would it lead to his downfall? Probably.

But when he saw how Derek smiled when he remembered Mark’s graduating medical school, or heard the pride in his voice when he talked about Laura’s charity work, and the genuine joy he got to see when he heard another story about Derek’s childhood… well, that was all more than worth it.

—————

“I think you should kiss me.”

Stiles had to stop himself from laughing at the look that Derek shot him, doing his best to keep his body language casual as he leaned against the gas pump at a tiny station outside of Beacon Hills, though he knew his heart was going at about a million miles a minute.

“I—you—what?”

“Derek, I’m an affectionate dude, in case you couldn’t tell from all the hand holding. And if you’re going to freak out if I kiss your cheek, then you should freak out now, not when we’re in front of your family.”

Stiles knew full well his heart betrayed his confidence, but seeing Derek’s ears go pink as he dumped the armful of snacks Stiles had asked for into the back seat was a welcome sight—it was always nice to know that Derek’s cool and controlled exterior could be ruffled up once in a while.

Somewhere between the rental kiosk and the gas station, Stiles had decided that he was going to go all in on this. His little crush was already stuck right in the back of his throat and would be unlikely to dislodge any time soon, so he figured that indulging himself in the fake relationship Derek had set up for him… well, it wouldn’t do any good, but it was unlikely to make things worse for him than it already was.

It was a little weird being alone with Derek—Stiles didn’t realize it until now, but between meeting Derek’s sisters and meeting the rest of their family, this was the first time they had been alone together. They had other staff members at school, or strangers around the city, or Scott (who had politely declined a ride back to Beacon Hills with Derek and Stiles, choosing instead to split an Uber with his pretty new friend, Kira).

“You know, as far as first kisses go, usually they’re a little more romantic than just a demand. You’re supposed to woo me, Stiles,” Derek said, his sarcastic tone betrayed by his shy little smile as he pulled the nozzle out of his tank, closing the gas cap as Stiles gasped in mock offense.

“Hey, I said you should kiss me, not the other way around. Why should I have to be the one to woo?” Stiles started, sliding into the passenger’s seat as Derek followed suit. “After all, this relationship wouldn’t have even happened without your instigation, so why should I… uh… Der?”

Stiles’ voice trailed off as Derek’s hand sunk into the soft crook at the juncture of his neck, effectively cutting off his entire train of thought as Derek’s thumb pressed against the hollow of his jaw.

“Stiles.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to kiss you now.”

“O-Okay.”

For a minute, all Stiles could think of were those cheesy old rom-coms, where fireworks would go off, or bells would chime, but kissing Derek was nothing like that. It was the comfort of wrapping yourself in an electric blanket, instead of the shock of jumping into a frozen pond; the familiar buzz of goosebumps over his skin over a bolt of lightning. He felt a surprised little noise leave his chest as Derek’s tilted his head to deepen the kiss, his tongue flicking out instinctively to drag along Derek’s bottom lip, hands coming up to rest against the wolves chest.

Stiles could feel his heart beating through every inch of his skin as the kiss broke, struggling to remind himself how to breathe as he opened his eyes again, his nose brushing against Derek’s as he let out a little huff of a laugh.

“Was that enough woo for you?” Derek asked, his voice barely more than a whisper, and Stiles smiled as he nodded his head, savoring the way that neither of them moved back. Derek’s hand was warm against the crook of his jaw, his own palm flat against Derek's chest, and it was natural, it was so nice, it was—

Fake. It was all fake.

Stiles sighed, closing his eyes as he gently leaned in and pressed their foreheads together, that mantra playing through his head as he pulled himself back. He buckled himself in easily as he took in a deep breath, his goofy grin still in place as he looked back up to Derek.

“See? Now you can honestly tell your mom we had our first kiss at a gas station and that it was magical and I totally rocked your world.”

“Is that what happened, though? I mean, if you wanted me to kiss you so badly, you should have just asked,” Derek said, the sarcasm thick in his voice as he started the car, and Stiles laughed as they pulled out of the lot, his hand finding Derek’s easily once again.

Their silence remained comfortable as they left the city skyline behind and basically blew through Beacon Hills, the trees inching closer to the road as they wound through the preserve.

Finishing off a bag of M&M’s, Stiles cleared his throat as he crumpled up the wrapper and chucked it in the back seat, sucking a little bit of melted chocolate off of his thumb. “So. Is this regular introducing-the-boyfriend-to-the-family nerves I’m looking at here, or is this introducing-the-fake-boyfriend-to-the-family nerves? You don’t have any weirdos in your family, do you? An ex-felon auntie? A cousin who doesn’t quite get personal space?”

Stiles grinned as Derek laughed, oddly comforted by the sound as Derek shook his head. “Nothing exciting. A weird uncle, I guess. Lots of cousins, you should basically abandon any idea of personal space as soon as we walk in, and plenty of human family, too—so you won’t be alone in that. As far as felons go, well… none of us have been caught?”

“Hey, game recognizes game, it doesn’t count if you don’t get caught. And I can work with a weird uncle.” Stiles laughed at the sheepish look that Derek shot his way, his fingers still happily wrapped up in Derek’s warm hands. He could almost feel it when they crossed over onto the Hale land, the huge, white house as much of a giveaway as the shrieks of joy that even Stiles could hear from the property.

“They’re gonna love you, you know?” Derek’s voice was soft as he pulled the rental into a long row of cars, nearly lining the road leading up to the house, and Stiles felt the snarky remark die on his tongue as Derek caught his eye, his expression somewhere between grateful and wistful as he turned the car off.

“Maybe, but…” Stiles sighed as he popped his door open, chewing over his next words carefully. “But if they do, it’s because they already love you.”

He took it as a personal victory when Derek turned away, his ears pink again, and Stiles couldn’t help but grin as he followed the werewolf up the path to his family home.

The Hale House was probably as huge and impressive as the Hale family itself from the outside, and Stiles did his best not to gape like a fool as Derek opened the door for him, his hand finding the small of Stiles’ back as they stepped into the house. Polished floors, huge, high windows, a grand staircase that was the definition of grand, and—

“Derek!”

—and another unfairly attractive Hale moving forward to greet them. Tall, broad, dark hair with just a splash of salt around the temples and the goatee, shining a million watt smile on Derek and Stiles as he wiped his hands on his probably-uncomfortably-tight jeans.

Jesus, was everyone in this family gorgeous? Stiles was going to get a complex.

He looked up as the stranger and Derek briefly hugged, watching the halfway-subtle way they scented one another, Mark’s head buried in Derek’s neck for a half moment before they pulled away. If Stiles strained his ear, he could have heard something along the lines of ‘be nice’ as Derek pulled back; if the situation weren’t so funny, Stiles probably would have blushed.

“Don’t listen to him, I’m always nice. I’m Mark, and you…” Mark started, his million watt smile back in place as his eyes dragged over Stiles’ body, “... you must be Stiles.” Stiles snorted as Mark pulled him into an easy hug, catching Stiles just a little off-guard as he was wrapped in another pair of arms.

Apparently Derek’s family was an affectionate bunch. Stiles didn’t know if it was a wolf thing or a Hale thing, but either way, it was good to know.

“Mark, uh, Seattle, right? You’re the surgeon?” Stiles asked, clearing his throat as the hug carried on just a bit too long, regaining some footing in the introduction as he pulled back. “Derek’s told me a lot about you.”

That was… mostly true, Derek had told him enough about Mark to thoroughly embarrass the older male, and Mark looked like he expected nothing less as he laughed, holding Stiles’ shoulders as he stood at arms length. “Yeah, I’m sure he did, but it’s probably all garbage. After all, how can you really describe a wonder like me in words, huh?”

He actually winked, and Stiles honestly couldn’t believe that this dude was for real.

“Der, nice job with this one. He’s cute. Kid, is my brother treating you well? Cause, you know, if Hale is your taste, you can do much better than—”

”Mark—“

“Oh, lighten up Der-bear, there isn’t enough Botox in the world to get rid of those scowl lines. It was a joke. Now come on, everyone’s out back.”

Stiles laughed again as Mark put Derek in an easy headlock, ruffling up his hair as he led them outside, immediately filing ‘Der-bear’ away for future use as they stepped out into the backyard.

The backyard, which was absolutely filled with Hales.

He felt his heart do a funny little lurch as he was hit with the sheer family of it all—all dark haired, all gorgeous, and for just a moment, he wanted to smack Derek upside the head. There were probably generations of Hales here; Derek had all this family, this built in support group, and he was just going to spend the summer holed up in New York?

“Alright, Siles, we’re gonna keep you in with the main family and keep you away from the cousins,” Mark started, artfully ignoring the way Derek was swatting at him. “Uncle Peter all but insisted that Mom come pick him up, so you’ll get to avoid them until later tonight, but who you really want to watch out for is—“

“Is that my grandbaby?!”

Mark stiffened as Derek perked up, and Stiles couldn’t help but snicker as a bony hand shot up, grabbing Mark by the scruff of his neck, pulling him off of Derek with a flourish that would probably seem overly dramatic if Stiles didn’t know just how much werewolf strength was packed behind it.

“Derek!”

“Hi, Nana.”

Stiles couldn’t keep the smile off of his face as Derek leaned in to wrap his arms around the older woman—she was a good foot shorter than he was, her movements loud, with light skinned with the same tell-tale black hair that the rest of the family had. What caught Stiles’ eye, though, was the way Derek scented her—it was the same way Mark scented him, a familial nudge that Stiles read easily as a sign of deference.

Whoever this Nana was, she was clearly the woman in charge here.

“You know, we’re all technically her grandbabies,” Mark started as he reappeared at Stiles’ shoulder, rubbing the back of his neck, his childish pout painfully obvious as he pointed his words. “But you wouldn’t know it with the blatant favoritism she shows for Derek!”

“Mark, don’t be such a baby,” Nana Hale said as she pulled back from Derek’s hug, patting his cheek affectionately. She raised a brow in a spectacularly unimpressed fashion as she turned to look at her eldest grandson, sighing in mock disappointment. “Not that I thought a career based off of liposuction and face lifts would have brought you some maturity.”

“That’s—I don’t just do—Nana!”

“Now, who do we have here? Derek, are you going to introduce me to your special friend?”

Ignoring Mark’s protests easily as she turned her attention, Stiles felt his heart pick up again, his eyes flicking to Derek as he beamed; Stiles wasn’t sure if he was happy to see Mark get smacked down, or if he was happy to introduce Stiles, but Stiles would have literally killed a man to see Derek smile that brightly on a regular basis.

“Nana, this is my boyfriend, Stiles Stilinski. Stiles, this is my grandmother, Ger—“

“Nana Hale will do just fine, thank you very much,” she interrupted, pulling a face that made Stiles grin—he could absolutely relate to someone who would rather set their birth name on fire than own up to it. “Now, come here, let me get a look at you.”

Stiles stepped forward and hesitated a half moment, not sure if he should try one last time for a handshake or wait for her to initiate a hug, but before he could make up his mind she had her hands clasped on his elbows, a grip like iron stopping him in his tracks.

“Scrawny little thing, aren’t you? We’ll take care of that, don’t you worry. It’s good to meet you, sweetheart, let’s get you some food.”

“It’s good to meet you too—and some food sounds great,” Stiles said with a laugh, ignoring the fact that he was still full of junk food as Nana Hale all but preened beside him. Her grip was gentle but unyielding as she dragged him to a table that was piled with food, giving a half wave to Laura and Cora, who were stationed beside a punch bowl the size of a fish tank as he kept himself a half step behind Nana.

Stiles wasn’t dumb, okay? He knew how to make nice with wolves, and more importantly, he knew how to be subtle.

(He didn’t like it, but he knew how to do it.)

“Uncle Derek! Get Uncle Derek!!”

Thankfully, the moment was over in a flash as Stiles heard a familiar name called out in a high pitched squeal, looking back out to the yard where a hoard of kids had just caught sight (or scent?) of Derek, immediately abandoning the rough-and-tumble games they seemed to be wrapped up in to run toward Derek as fast as their little legs could carry them.

Derek immediately tensed, a manic grin on his face as he prepared to run, body twitching as he caught himself before taking off. He sent a look Stiles’ way that was somehow both apologetic and asking remission, and Stiles sighed as he smiled.

“You better run, Uncle Derek. They’re gonna get you,” Stiles said mock-seriously, only barely keeping a straight face as Derek instead ran straight to the kids, making all sorts of comedic noises as they mobbed his legs.

Fuck, he was cute.

Stiles’ attention was pulled off of Derek as he felt eyes on him, subtly scanning the yard before he made eye contact with another adult in the family, who was very shirtless, and very sweaty, and very much walking toward them with a bright smile on his face.

Okay, Stiles was definitely getting a complex.

“You must be Stiles!” he exclaimed once he was closer to their little group, and Stiles had never been as thankful for a child as he was for the tiny body perched on top of the other males shoulders, because he was just about at his ‘hugging gorgeous people’ limit. He was still sweating, for fucks sake, but Stiles supposed that even a wolf got tired out when they had eight kids hanging from their body until Uncle Derek stepped in.

“I am, and…” Stiles was about to assume this was the firefighter sibling, but as soon as he opened his mouth, the kid on top of his shoulders smiled, and Stiles was absolutely smitten. “And who is this little guy?”

The distraction was apparently a welcome one, because shirtless dude’s smile grew even wider, reaching up to pat the kid on a mop of curly hair before he lifted him up and over, holding him at chest level. “This is Isaac. Isaac, can you say hi to Stiles? He’s your uncle Derek’s special friend.”

Stiles literally felt his heart melt as Isaac gave a shy little wave, looking up at him with big blue eyes. He couldn’t have been older than three or four, and Stiles smiled and waved back as Isaac was set down on the ground.

“You wanna go play with Uncle D?” Any hint of shyness was forgotten the moment the question was asked, taking off toward Derek as fast as his little legs could carry him, which… wasn’t very fast, but was very, very cute.

“They all yours?” Stiles asked, raising an eyebrow as he looked over to Derek, who now had at least six kids hanging off of him. He smiled as the other male shivered, shaking his head quickly.

“God no, just the three. Erica and Boyd, and Isaac too, now that the adoption has been finalized. Those kids basically run the joint, Derek included—as long as you don’t mind the occasional toddler mobbing, you’ll fit in just fine.”

“Thanks, random shirtless man, I really hope so.”

Stiles grinned as Laura choked on a mouthful of punch, the weirdness of the situation apparently just now visible to her as she sputtered, punching her brother in the arm. “Oh god, Taylor, what is wrong with you! Go put on a shirt, you can’t just—you didn’t even introduce yourself, I swear��Stiles is a guest, you weirdo!”

They kept bickering back and forth as Taylor pulled an undershirt on over his head, the whining turning into background noise as he poured himself a glass of punch. He knew perfectly well what Laura was trying to say—Stiles is a human—and he was pretty sure he was mostly flattered by everyone trying so hard, but any coherent thought left his head as he took a bite of the ribs, watching Nana Hale grin out of the corner of his eyes as he groaned in delight.

“God, they really do have Derek wrapped around their pudgy fingers,” Cora mused, and Stiles nodded his head, swallowing. It was honestly hilarious to watch Derek try to manage all those kids by himself; they seemed determined to pile themselves onto his head and shoulders, and he could almost see Derek sweat, trying to make sure he didn’t drop anyone as Isaac managed to wriggle his way into Derek’s grip.

He tilted his head in consideration, taking a sip of his drink before he spoke up.

“Yeah, he always did strike me as that kind of Alpha.”

He couldn’t help but savor the way the conversation ground to a halt around him, Laura and Taylor both sucking in a deep breath as Mark shattered the glass he was holding. There probably was a better way to acknowledge that he was in on the secret, but as funny as it was watching Derek’s siblings tiptoe around the fact, he figured it was best to rip the bandaid off in one go.

Even if it meant he had the attention of the Hales closest to him in one second, flat, Nana’s burning red from where she stood with a plate piled high with food.

He probably should have been nervous, but as he looked back at Derek, he could tell it was the right choice—Derek was all smiles, waiting only a beat before he popped his fangs and playfully snapped at one of his little nieces, the air soon full of squealing laughter once again.

Keeping his gaze even, Stiles smiled in thanks as he took the plate of food Nana offered to him, watching as her eyes melted back into their darker, human color. She was staring at him like he was a particularly complex puzzle, and she wasn’t alone—Cora looked hilariously outraged that she didn’t realize sooner, and even Mark was looking over him with renewed interest as his hand healed.

“I knew you were a smart boy. He told you?”

Nana’s question was accusing, but not unkind, and Stiles shrugged it off easily as he popped a chip into his mouth.

“He didn’t have to. My best friend was bitten when we were both fifteen. He didn’t have… anything, no alpha, no pack, just me and my mad Googling skills, and we’ve had plenty of supernatural run-ins over the years. Derek didn’t tell me because he didn’t have to tell me—I’m not anything special, but I’d like to think I can spot a non-human from at least fifty feet. Maybe more on a good day.”

“Well, that’s where you’re wrong.”

Stiles jumped as he heard Derek’s voice from behind him, and it truly was a credit to his poise and sophistication that he only blushed a little as Derek’s arm snaked around his waist. His body was warm, far warmer than it had been ten minutes ago, and Derek’s breath came a little heavy as he kissed the back of Stiles’ head.

“You are definitely something special.”

“You—you absolute cheeseball, what is wrong with you—” Stiles managed to get out as he shoved at Derek’s shoulder, his entire face burning red as Laura and Cora both gagged. Any residual awkwardness melted away as Nana’s sharp laugh cut through the air, the sound putting him back at ease as he leaned back into Derek’s warmth.

Somewhere between the fortieth round of storytelling and the gathering moving back into the house, Stiles needed a breather. Derek’s family was huge, and loud, and honestly, Stiles loved it—but it wasn’t long before he felt an itch beneath his skin, his fingers buzzing against his thigh, the muscles in his jaw a little too tight.

Stiles had expected Derek to be pretty popular in the family—what he didn’t expect, though, was that he would be anything more than an introduction and the same polite questions that everyone gave the new boyfriend.

“Wait, no fucking way did the two of you take down a Kanima, Stiles, I’m calling bullshit right now—“

Derek’s siblings were great, but they were also the worst; the minute they found out that Stiles had his own supernatural background, they were pestering him for stories, demanding his opinion of things, getting more and more exasperated with his entire life the more he shared.

Stiles knew that his life was crazy, okay? He didn’t need the constant reminders or the slack-jawed shocked expressions to reinforce that fact.

“Jesus, we didn’t even know that there were any wendigos in the state, and you knew an entire family of them?”

The only stories he flat out refused to talk about were the… issues he had had with hunters through high school—this was a party, after all, and he didn’t want to be the one to bring the vibe down by talking about the one time an assassin held a gun to his head to try and draw Scott out.

Fun times.

“What do you mean, you just know a banshee? And set her up with a hellhound? Dude, who are you?!”

Kissing Derek had, oddly enough, only exasperated the situation. In less than a day, they had gotten better at trading little affections back and forth; but instead of helping Stiles calm down, they only increased that thrumming nerves that bounced around at the base of his skull.

Which sucked, honestly, because kissing Derek was… really, really nice.

Stiles waited until another cousin who’s name he would never remember caught Derek up in a conversation about another tradition he couldn’t follow before he squeezed Derek’s hand, taking the opportunity to stand up from his spot on the couch and slip away.

The Hale House was huge, and outside was no exception; Stiles soon found himself on the porch, a huge wraparound wooden structure with built-in benches that let you enjoy the kind of view that made Stiles remember why he loved home so much. He treated himself to a few pictures of the sunset over Beacon Canyon before he flopped himself down on a bench, rubbing at his neck.

“Stiles? Everything alright?”

He had half expected Derek to follow him out after a few moments—but to his surprise, it was Nana Hale that sat beside him, her cheeks still pink with laughter as she tucked a jet black flyaway behind an ear.

“Is—oh, no, it’s great! Just wanted to, uh, snap a few pictures of the view.”

Another half truth—he was full to bursting with those lately.

“I know that our family can be… a little overwhelming,” she said, her tone even as she rose a brow, keeping her gaze forward as her fingers drummed a pattern into her knee.

Stiles hummed in agreement, his own smile a touch more genuine as he looked over to her. “Maybe, but that’s not a bad thing. When I was growing up, I spent so much time wondering what it would be like, to have siblings, and cousins, and… well, it might be a lot, but it’s a lot of love, too. I’m really glad Derek has that kind of support.”

Nana’s fingers stilled against her knee as she turned to face Stiles, and for the first time, Stiles was really able to get a good look at her properly. He could understand why she was the matriarch of the family, and how she had kept that title so long; even if he hadn’t witnessed her taking Mark down less than four hours ago, there was a whole other kind of strength that she was showing here, radiating off of her in waves.

“He does. But he doesn’t just have us for love and support... or was I reading the way you look at him wrong?” Her tone was teasing as she rose her brow, and Stiles felt his cheeks pink up spectacularly as he coughed, his eyes flashing back to the window for only a moment before Nana patted his knee.

“Don’t worry, the house is completely soundproof. Those nosy little pups can’t hear a word we say. Now tell me, how long have you been in love with my grandson?”

Now fully, beautifully red, Stiles groaned as he hid his face in his hands, Nana’s laughter ringing strong and clear as she stood up and walked toward the railing. “Oh don’t be so dramatic, I have no intention of spoiling that surprise until you’re ready to really woo him with it. And you’d better woo him! You know as well as I do that he deserves the romancing.”

Her tone softened as she chuckled, trailing off with a sigh and a sort of wistful smile as she shook her head. “New York has been good to him. You have, too, I think. California was… a rough part in his life.”

Something in the way she phrased it got the investigative side of his brain thrumming, his curiosity piqued as he remembered what Derek said on the plane.

‘I know they forgave me, but… sometimes it’s hard to be around them and still be okay with myself, you know?’

The nosy part of him wanted to pry, to dig a little more, but his eyes flicked back to the window again, where Derek and all four of his siblings were doing a terrible job at acting like they weren't trying to stare him down.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure he’ll tell me when he’s ready.”

Apparently, that was the right answer—Nana’s face softened again as she smiled, nodding her head, beckoning Stiles into standing up. She put her hand in the crook of his elbow easily, steering them back toward the house in a way that allowed no room for compromise.

“You are going to be good for my Der-bear, I know it.”

“Oh, I mean, I hope so. Derek deserves that, and I definitely—“

“Just let him be good for you, too.”

She reached up and patted Stiles cheek as he stared at her, dumbfounded, automatically opening the door for her as she walked back into the house. His expression was mirrored in the matching expressions of slack-jawed shock from all five Hale siblings, all staring at Stiles as Nana started in on another family story that would be sure to embarrass Mark, or Laura, or anyone who wasn’t Derek.

He meant what he said, of course. Derek deserved someone who would be good for him.

Somehow, that was the problem here.

—————

“Stiles, you reek of nerves. All I can smell is nerves and bell peppers. It’s not a good smell. Are you going to tell me what you’re freaking out about, or what?”

Stiles jolted as Derek called him out so effortlessly, pulled out of the trance he had fallen into as he watched Derek work, pushing around some of the barbecue from the night prior with some fresh chopped veggies into a delightful spur of the moment stir fry.

Derek was also as dressed down as Stiles had ever seen him, in a light grey henley and a dark pair of jeans, and that was even more delightful than the stir fry.

“Wait, you—that’s just something you can do? Oh god, your entire family must have known how nervous I was yesterday, did they—“

“Stiles. Breathe.”

Right. Breathing. He could do that.

…. maybe.

The truth was, Stiles could honestly say that he was having a great time back in Beacon Hills.

Derek and his family were great, no lie, and fake relationship aside, the researcher in him was absolutely thriving seeing how a huge, well-established pack worked with one another. They were literally a well oiled machine, the personification of the old ‘it takes a village’ metaphor, and the only thing that amazed Stiles more than how well they worked together was how well they adapted to Stiles being there.

Of course, he thought a big part of that came from having the Alphas on his side—not just Derek, but Nana too.

(“I can’t believe she hugged you,” Laura had hissed after yet another glass of infused punch. “When she met my last boyfriend, she threw him off the porch.”

“Well, Stiles is a fragile little human,” Taylor had snorted, ignoring the way Stiles smacked his arm, “and Hank was a major, prolapsed asshole.”

“Well yeah, but that’s not the point!”)

As great as Derek and his family was though, getting to come home and surprise his dad early… well, there was no place on the planet he would rather be than wrapped in a signature Stilinski hug, the kind of hug where you held on just a little longer than you needed to so you can pretend you definitely weren’t crying.

He got to watch a game with his dad, he got to sleep in his old, lumpy-ass childhood bed, he got to make breakfast in his mom’s kitchen.

So yeah. Great time.

Or at least, it had been, until a text rolled through after he kissed his dad goodbye that morning.

der-bear: Do you want to come over for lunch? Nana has everyone out of the house, Mom and Uncle Peter showed up this morning and he’s already driving everyone crazy.

sent: sure man. want me to bring anything? :)

der-bear: Don’t worry about it. Besides, I figure we should talk before the bonfire anyway.

And just like that, something brought around a cloud to rain on Stiles’ parade.

“Is it about tonight?” Derek asked, and if Stiles’ hadn’t been so laser focused on his cooking technique (his arms, okay, he was staring at Derek’s arms) he probably would have missed the way Derek hesitated when he asked, like he was afraid of the answer.

He picked himself up off of the barstool at the island in their gigantic kitchen, leaning against the counter closer to Derek, reaching in to pluck a chunk of onion out of the pan, skillfully avoiding the swat from Derek’s wooden spoon. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you… You know we’re looking forward to having you with us, right?” Derek asked, spooning some of the food onto two separate plates, using his claws to rip two fresh chunks of bread off of a loaf. “But if you don’t… I mean, I just don’t want you to feel like you have to be there if you don’t want to.”

Stiles frowned as he accepted one of the plates, pulling the smaller chunk of bread off of one of Derek’s claws, mulling his next words over. “As long as you want me there I’ll be there,” Stiles said slowly, because there really was no way to politely say that Stiles would rather throw himself into the sun before his mythical lore studying ass missed out on observing pack activity on a blue moon.

“Why would you think I didn’t want you there?” Derek asked, looking like he was offended at the very notion, sliding a fork to Stiles as he sat down at the countertop, that offended look only growing as Stiles snorted.

“I dunno, I thought you might have changed your mind about it. Dude, you sent me a ‘we should talk’ text. I’m no expert, but I know that nothing good follows a ‘we should talk’ text,” Stiles said around a mouth full of bread, but any degree of playful levity he had gone for was sapped out of his voice the moment he saw Derek look back down at his plate.

“That, uh. I do think we should talk, but not about that. Stiles, I...”

Ah, fuck. Derek’s ears were pink again, and for once, Stiles thought that was a bad thing.

Stiles did his best not to panic as he thought through things, wondering what he had fucked up, because he just knew he had fucked up a little something. Maybe he had come on a little too strong last night, maybe he had gotten too comfortable with his crush, maybe—

“I was thinking that maybe… we shouldn’t be faking this anymore.”

—or maybe, he had fucked up a whole lot of everything.

Stiles felt his heart sink through his shoes as he swallowed his bread, his appetite suddenly gone. He brushed his hands on his jeans, giving a few short nods, swallowing again as he pushed back from the table a little bit. He thought for a moment that he should argue against it, but Derek had a sad puppy expression splashed across his face, and Stiles wasn’t strong against that on a good day.

“Oh.”

He could feel Derek’s eyes tracking him as he started to move, standing up and starting an easy track around the kitchen, flexing his fingers before he rubbed his palm with his thumbs, an old habit he had thought he had kicked back when he graduated from Berkeley.

“I think, uh, maybe you should wait until you’re back in New York to tell your family?” Stiles started, missing the tiny smile on Derek’s face before it melted into a look of confusion. “You should tell them I broke up with you, not the other way around, I don’t mind being the bad guy,” he added, staring down at his hands.

“Wait, Stiles—“

“No, seriously, it’s fine,” Stiles interrupted, putting a smile back on his face, because he knew this was going to be coming at some point. Derek had made up their entire relationship, and Stiles had worked hard to remember that the reality of it was… that it wasn’t reality. He was the one with the inconvenient crush, he was the one who had gotten stupid. This was all on him, and taking the high road to bow out gracefully would be too.

Or, at least, it should have been. But Derek had abandoned his seat as well, halfway following Stiles in his trail around the kitchen, putting his arm out against a countertop to stop Stiles at a turn.

“I said I wanted to stop faking, Stiles.”

Hell, when had Derek gotten so close to him? Stiles blinked as he backed up against the counter, Derek’s arms closing him in, and suddenly he was getting an up close and personal look at Derek’s lips, and his eyes, and the way the blush was going back up his ears, and—

...why was Derek blushing?

“I never said anything about wanting you to leave.”

But why would Stiles be staying if… oh. Oh.

Realization dawned on Stiles’ face as Derek blushed and looked down, moving his hands a little bit closer against the counter, and Stiles felt a shiver run down his spine as he felt Derek’s thumb settle right along his hip. He had to clear his throat before he could speak, swallowing down the hope that was threatening to bubble over, chewing on his lip as he put one hand on Derek’s chest, the other gently tipping his head back to look him in the eye.

“Dude, if you’re saying what I think you’re saying, you gotta spell it out, I’ve had a crush on you for like forever and if I’m mis-reading this—”

“I told you. I’m your boyfriend, don’t call me dude.”

Stiles laughed again, elation making him feel light and giddy, finally breaking eye contact with Derek as he felt his own blush burn through the back of his neck.

“Stay, Stiles. You belong here. With me.”

Rather than even try to form a coherent response, Stiles dropped one of his hands, cheeks still a ruddy color as he looped a finger into one of the belt loops on Derek’s designer jeans, pulling him just that much closer.

“Derek?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to kiss you now.”

“Oh, thank God—"

—————

Yeah, Stiles thought hours later, still feeling the warmth of Derek’s smile against his lips as howls sounded off around the Hale House, moonlight swirling around him from the vantage point he had on the porch.

This was exactly where he belonged.

[unculturedmamoswine]

AoS McKirk Recs

At the request of @fireinmywoods​ I’m finally getting around to making a McKirk rec post, which I’ve been wanting to do for a while. All these fics are McKirk endgame. This isn’t organized in any way whatsoever, and is also not a comprehensive list. I mostly just scrolled through my bookmarks and picked the things that weren’t outright porn. I always wish reccers would include their own notes along with the author’s summaries so... I did that. Hope y’all don’t mind. I’ll try not to be too spoilery, but I think it’s valuable to see what other fans like about a fic. Also, always heed the author’s notes, warnings, and tags. Definitely check out other fics by these authors, because I’m mostly not reccing a bunch by each person in order to keep this post slightly less long. And please consider leaving comments on the fics!

The palimpsest verse by fireinmywoods (series is 100k words)

Author’s summary (of the first fic in the series): “Skip to the point, Jim. The sooner you spit it out, the sooner I can refuse and get back to work.” “It’s really no big deal,” Jim says as the door slides closed behind them. “I just need you to come down to Hearth with us…as my husband.” The Enterprise has been sent to negotiate reaccession to the Federation with an isolationist religious group known as the Kindred. While there, Jim notices that some of the children seem to be gravely ill. The problem is, the Kindred practice faith healing and refuse to allow a doctor to be brought in. So Jim does what he does best: he improvises.

Gotta start with the gal whose fault this list is! When I read the first fic in this verse I was really at a low point in my McKirk obsession. This fic really brought me back into the fold in a big way. The whole series is just very very full of love. I ALMOST read one of the sequels first but thank god I heeded Em’s warnings to read palimpsest before reading the other fics. Seriously. You need to go into the thing unspoiled. Anyhow, if you want Jim and Bones way way super in love, for sure read this fic.(And listen, if you don’t want to read it because you hate fake marriage please read it anyway. I dislike fake marriage and I read it and loved it. Give it a shot, I beg you.)

Manhattan (Weeks Gone By) by blcwriter (8k words)

Author’s Summary: For the jim_and_bones St. Patrick’s Day challenge, because only I can turn a flash fic prompt into 8000 words. I haven't been able to stop listening to Frightened Rabbit’s “In Living Colour”  from their Winter of Mixed Drinks album as I was trying to figure out what I wanted to say for my next story, and then this challenge came along, and literal writer! is literal, so, there you go.The prompt was "Manhattan," and the boys wanted to be married in modern times and run a bar in the Village with the whole gang involved.  Non-happy-fun-times ensue before things sort of resolve.

I love a lot of blcwriter’s stuff, but this one is my favorite. It’s a modern day au, and Jim and Bones’s marriage is in trouble. It’s a really wonderful look at people in a long-term relationship struggling to keep it alive and wondering whether to just let it die.

Something so right by blcwriter (series is 13k words)

Author’s Summary (of the first fic in the series): "Don't say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is.. we aren't right for anyone else."

Okay, I said I wouldn’t rec lots of things by one author and this is my one exception. I HAD to rec this one as well as Manhattan. An utterly fantastic modern day chef au. Jim and Bones knew each other at culinary school but now find each other again as real grown-ups. And the sequel is a Christmas fic! Also contains Jewish Jim, which I’m always a slut for.

That Monogamy Thing by silverlining99 (11k words)

Author’s Summary: Jim thought he was doing it RIGHT.

I also need to mention the fic The Thing About Realizing You Are In Love With Your Best Friend by JenTheSweetie because these two fics are so identical in premise I can only assume they were written for the same prompt. They’re both great, but I slightly prefer That Monogamy Thing, so it got top billing. Both fics are set during the five year mission, or at least they’re set on the Enterprise. Basically, Jim and Bones start sleeping together and Jim assumes they must be now in a Monogamous Relationship(TM) and gets with the monogamy program. Of course, at no point did anyone say they were in a monogamous relationship, so Bones is not on the same page, shall we say. It’s a classic “miscommunication causes delicious but short-lived angst” kinda vibe. You get it.

The Repairs verse by shinychimera and Yeomanrand (series is 69k words)

Authors’ Summary (of the first fic in the series):  Young Jim Kirk is unstable and self-destructive, Leonard McCoy is withdrawn and wary, and the obstacles to surviving their first term at Starfleet Academy are not easy to overcome. A dark and brutal tale of the tangled borders between healing and hurting, where hard choices between emotions and ethics have far-reaching consequences; dealing with abuse and alcoholism, affection and neglect, piercings and bar fights, hot and cold sex, complicated questions of consent, and loyalty and love between people who aren't comfortable with either. A whole new spin on "I want my pain, I need my pain."

This one is kinda...whump porn. Like, read the tags. JIm is suuuper messed up and traumatized but sometimes that’s what you need in a fic, yanno? It’s an Academy fic that deals heavily with Jim having been violently abused as a child, and him growing to trust Bones while also kind of learning how to be an adult, rather than living life as the abused child he’s spent so long being. The abuse in this fic was not sexual in nature, jsyk.

En Promenade by newsbypostcard (series is 86k words)

Author’s Summary: After three months of weekend bar-hopping and a slow process of elimination -- with finding the right bar, that was, and tragically not discovering who Bones was into -- Jim was starting to narrow it down.

A very cute Academy fic that nevertheless deals with a bit of heavy shit for both Jim and Bones. Starts out with Jim bound and determined to befriend Bones by... discovering the perfect bar for them to hang out in. Has a lot of really great exploration of Bones’s character, and he’s written in a really entertaining way.

Future Imperfect by Savoytruffle (50k words)

Author’s Summary: Leonard wins the kid in a hand of poker. A hand of poker he plays in the dirty back room of a dive bar in East Bumfuck, Iowa, two weeks after his humiliating divorce is finalized, and on the sixth day of a bourbon-fueled bender that’s somehow taken him from his high-rise loft in Atlanta to a fleabag motel in the middle of nowhere.

This fic is an Academy fic, but in a pretty dark universe. Maybe not Mirror Universe dark, but it’s one where slavery is practiced on Earth. Jim is, in this fic, Bones’s slave. Not in a sexy way. He’s part of an underclass of people who weren’t designer babies. Bones goes to the Academy and tries to become a Starfleet officer, accompanied by Jim, his newly acquired slave. They grow closer as they deal with their pasts, and I guess I should stop there for fear of spoiling too much. This one talks a lot about childhood sexual abuse, so be warned. The story overall though has a hopeful ending.

Let Me Come Home by yawnralphio (7k words)

Author’s Summary:  “Someone asked me what home was and all I could think of were the stars on the tip of your tongue, the flowers sprouting from your mouth, the roots entwined in the gaps between your fingers, the ocean echoing inside of your ribcage.”

For someone who theoretically dislikes modern day AU’s, there are actually a fair few that I really really love, and this is one. Jim and Bones run a travel blog together and journey around the US in a van. It’s a really lovely mix of angst and romance.

The Switch series by Ceres_Libera (series is 269k words)

Author’s Summary (of the first fic in the series):  The life and times of Leonard H. McCoy MD/PhD … If Leonard McCoy's life could get any fucking weirder, it would be … Jesus, he didn't even want to think what that could possibly mean, because it's already been too fucking weird to make any kind of rational sense. A Starfleet Academy story, set in the ST:XI universe.

I don’t need any sass, people. I KNOW you’ve all read Switch, and I know you’re all tired of seeing it on rec lists and I don’t care. It’s famous for a reason! It’s not just long, it’s WONDERFUL. The big, epic Academy fic that kinda sets the Academy fic bar. Goes from Jim and Bones meeting all the way through the end of the 09 film. And that’s just the main fic. I really love that both Jim and Bones are depicted as realistically flawed people, especially earlier on in their acquaintance. Neither of them are angst sponges, they’re both just... kinda messed up dudes. But they’re good people who learn to love each other. Also I guess it’s technically slow burn?

The Greater Good by emiliglia (29k words)

Author’s Summary: Doctor Leonard McCoy thinks he's getting by, working as both a surgeon and a researcher at UCSF Medical Center. A chance encounter with Lieutenant Jim Kirk - who's changed since they first met five years before, and not for the better - forces Leonard to face reality about his own situation while trying to keep Jim from heading down the same path.

This is the only fic on here not on Ao3, as far as I can tell. Anyhow it’s modern day AU. Jim and Bones help themselves by helping each other and falling in looooove.

The aftershocks series by canistakahari (series is 30k words)

Author’s Summary: Jim Kirk turns down Pike’s challenge, and doesn’t get on the Starfleet recruiting shuttle. But neither does Leonard McCoy, who’s actually been in Iowa for six months already, doing fuck-all. Becoming drinking buddies seems like a natural progression.Sometimes the path to the stars is just a piece-of-shit dirt road. You know, the kind that’s filled with potholes and surrounded by brambles and conveniently happens to be located in the bottom of a ravine. But every once in a while, when confronted with such a twisted mess of circumstance and cracked foundation, the universe still does its very best to fill in the holes.

I haven’t read this in a long time, but I remember it being really good and kinda mindfucky. Not in a dark or stressful way, though. Jim and Bones don’t join Starfleet at all. I feel I shouldn’t say more because I don’t want to spoil things, but the tags should give you more information if you want some.

i think i’ll keep you (like a secret) by hoosierbitch (3k words)

Author’s Summary: Bones came to Starfleet with a hell of a lot of baggage. Jim came empty handed.

Some good ole Jim angst. Prominently featuring: Tarsus things! Allergic-to-everything Jim! Jim allowing himself to be vulnerable around Bones! All that good stuff. I just love me some vulnerability.

How Whales (Sorta) Brought Jim and Bones Together by highschool-facelesshellion (4k words)

Author’s Summary: For Leonard, first dates are flowers and small, homey restaurants where you talk quietly like you're sharing secrets with your potential girlfriend.They are not supposed to be at a table covered with aquarium maps and aquarium souvenirs. And they are certainly not supposed to be spent with a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy rambling about whales.(Or: Where Leonard is the only person that doesn't think Jim's too crazy for his whale obsession and Jim notices.)

Fairly goofy, slightly cracky remix of The Voyage Home (the one with the whales). It’s just silly and charming and I don’t know why I love the idea of Jim being a whale aficionado, but I really do. 

Any Road Will Take You There by shoreleave (63k words)

Author’s Summary: Slow-developing K/M, beginning right after the shuttle ride and showing what happens the first year at the Academy. Told from McCoy's POV.

This fic is verrrrry good. I know I have a lot of Academy fic on here, but please treat yourself and read this one. Shoreleave is really good at both plot and characterization. I really like this fic in part because it explores the root of Jim’s complete lack of trust in authority figures, while also showing just how dangerous that lack of trust can be for him.

Seeing Stars by lindmere (1k words)

Author’s Summary: Inspired by Chris Pine's wig in Bottle Shock. Jim sneaks into Riverside for an old-fashioned Fourth of July.

A very sweet, sort of domestic established relationship fic.

His Eyes are Opened by tresa_cho (21k words)

Author’s Summary: Lt Colonel Leonard McCoy thought his service days were over. After the Great War, he was ready to disappear into the sanctuary of anonymity, but the government had other plans. Strange men whisk him away from his comfortable existence to investigate an airship crash unlike anything the United States had ever seen before. The year is 1947. The location, Roswell, New Mexico.

Despite the summary saying ‘Great War’, this fic is clearly post WWII, so I think that must be a typo. There is a dearth of McKirk fic set in the forties, and hot damn does this fic ever hit the spot if that’s what you’re looking for. Usually fics that are set in modern times or earlier take out all the sci-fi elements of Star Trek, but not this one! Just a very well done fic with a unique premise.

Investigations by AceOfSpades (series is 93k words)

Author’s Summary: The first thing Jim noticed about McCoy, and what started him on this whole messy path, was that McCoy was just a little…off.

GOD DAMN I love this fic. It’s a Doom (2005) fusion, but you don’t need to know anything about Doom to get this fic. It might even help to not know anything about Doom. God knows I don’t and I adore this fic. Academy era, with Jim simultaneously befriending Bones and trying to solve the mystery of this weird Leonard McCoy guy. Theoretically we’re getting a sequel sometime, and it can’t come soon enough in my opinion. Never fear, though, the fic is complete as-is and has lovely closure. Really really really recommended!

The Galactic Adventures of Major Zeph by winterover (14k words)

Author’s Summary: Jim is a comic book nerd who’s finally found his one true sidekick. Leonard is a convention virgin who really needs a drink. There is only one bed left in San Diego.

Academy fic! For some reason I always love fics where Jim is into some kind of craft or art, or is just generally a nerd about something. This fic provides that twice: Jim is a comic book nerd as the summary says, but also really into cosplay. And Bones just happens to look like the sidekick of Jim’s favorite comic book character. Romantic hijinks ensue.

The Man Who Held Up Atlas by thalialunacy (7k words)

Author’s Summary: Five times Leonard McCoy fixed Jim Kirk’s back, and the one time he didn’t have to.

Really really lovely 5 plus 1 fic with reverse chronology. Starts with Jim and Bones as old old men and moves back in time from there, showing little snapshots of their relationship.

and i can lend you broken parts that might fit (like this) by jeyhawk (17k words)

Author’s Summary: Academy Era. First they fall into bed. Then they fall in love.

Funny and sweet. Nothing too heavy, just loads of Jim and Bones being wildly in love with each other. And sexytimes.

[purplesurveys]

633

If you had a parrot, what would be the first word you would teach it? I’d probably teach it something polite because I’ve noticed all parrot owners almost always teach their birds bad words lmao and it’s not that funny anymore. I wouldn’t be opposed to teaching them some lame slang too, like ‘it’s lit’ haha.

What food have you eaten the most lately? Instant noodles because my mom finally gave in to our requests and started buying packs of our favorite brand again. Some context: it was almost all we ever ate as kids, so she stopped buying it for a while (and rightfully so) because of all the unhealthy stuff that’s in it.

Where you ever a Pokemon fan? I was a huge fan from the ages of 8-10. It started when my cousin got Pokemon games on his Gameboy Advance, and then it spilled over to us watching the anime every night and eventually, I collected the cards and pogs as well. We also bought one of two volumes of the Pokemon Omnibus books that they released.

How would you describe the taste of water? It’s just tasteless to me, but then it tastes so refreshing. I know water isn’t good enough if there’s a certain taste that comes along with it, because it’s supposed to just be tasteless and crisp. 

Do you think books are going out of fashion? Not at all. All my friends are into reading, and they never grew out of their bookworminess. Which is honestly great, because I wouldn’t want them to end up like me, who was a big bibliophile as a kid but eventually stopped reading.

One thing you miss about being a kid: Being able to make friends with anybody, whether it be a day-long bond or a friendship for the long run. I know it’s not applicable to all kids, but I’d say I was one of those who was able to blend in at birthday parties or daytrips to water resorts and all that stuff.

What is the best product made from milk? Meh, I’m not the best person to ask about this given that I’m lactose intolerant lololol, but I doooooo love mozzarella and ricotta cheese.

How would you feel if your husband didn’t want to wear a wedding ring? I’d be pretty puzzled if my future spouse wouldn’t want to wear theirs. I’d understand if they removed it for work, but I’d raise eyebrows if they didn’t want to wear it, period.

Do you say Autumn or Fall? My Southeast Asian ass can’t relate to either.

What is your biggest “what if”? I don’t have any, because I make it a point to avoid thinking about them. I’ve heard so many of my friends mull over their what ifs and how miserable they are about them, so I know better than to dwell on mine.

What is the worst movie you have ever seen? I had a go-to answer for this many years ago, but I forgot the name of the movie by now and I’m honestly glad that’s the case. But other than that, one of the all-time worsts is the Jack & Jill movie with Adam Sandler, and a recent bad one (for me) would be Knives Out. Of course, I never liked whodunits and I generally dislike dialogue-y and fast-paced movies, so I’m pretty biased in citing that.

Have you ever spelled your own name wrong? I don’t think so. Mine was the less popular spelling of Robin, so I definitely remembered to spell it properly because everyone else was already misspelling it.

What do you want your wedding song to be? I’ve never given much thought about this. Sparks by Coldplay was one of our og songs, but the most that it is right now is just a mere option. 

What is your favorite fairytale? I never liked fairytales.

True/False : If it’s meant to be, it will be. Not always. You have to work for it sometimes, too.

What electronic of yours dies the quickest? My phone, but that’s just because I had to pick and because, to be fair, I use it too much :(((( But I’m okay with the battery lives of all my gadgets.

Do you think we learn some useless things in school? Math and English have been pretty useless to me, but a lot of my other lessons, such as history, economics, physics, etc. still come in handy these days.

Do you feel like your life would be better without a certain person in it? Not really. I’m okay with the people I have now, family and friends alike. I tune out who I choose to tune out, and that’s enough for me.

Who has influenced your music taste the most? Athenna was a huge influence, which I feel bittersweet about now because I had to cut her out of my life a few years ago. She introduced me to Banks, Walk the Moon, and Twnety One Pilots, among other amazing artists. Gab has also been pretty influential – she’s made me a fan of alt-J, BP Valenzuela, Hozier, and a bigger fan of Coldplay.

What did you get your mom for Mother’s Day? We don’t really get her stuff. We greet her and have quality time together.

You go to the restroom and you see a huge spider, what do you do? Try to swat it out of the way.

what’s something you want but will probably never get? A PhD, because I’m too lazy to earn one haha.

Do you like reading scary books? I did enjoy reading my cousin’s Goosebumps as a kid, but I’m not into reading in general these days.

Is there a game your addicted to you? Currently, Luigi’s Mansion 3. <– Yooooo, my sister is OBSESSED with this game and watches playthroughs of it all day. She’s eyeing it as one of the next few games that we’re buying for the Switch.

Do you get embarrassed when your stomach growls in class? No. If anything that lets the teacher or prof know that I’m bored and/or hungry. Plus it’s an easy way to make the class laugh, and that’s always a good thing haha.

Do crying people make you uncomfortable? If it’s happy tears than yeah hahaha. If they’re sad tears I’m usually willing to be a shoulder to cry on. Would you ever marry someone your parents didn’t approve of? It’d be hard, but in the end it’s my relationship and they’d have no say.

Whats one thing you’re completely terrible at? Knitting. Origami. Any art stuff.

what is the nearest thing to you that is red? I’m very close to the wifi thingy that we have up on the rooftop and there’s a small red light coming from it.

what kind of camera do you own? I just use the one in my phone.

Do you look older or younger than your actual age? Younger. I’ve memorized the look of shock on people’s faces whenever I tell them I’m a senior in college.

Do you think tattoos are hot? No, but I don’t mind some tattoos.

What’s the worst thing about being a teenager? The confusion, all the hormones making you cranky all day, the pressure of which course to take for college especially when you’re nowhere near ready to make a choice.

What’s the best thing about being a teenager? It’s a period of experimenting, making strong friendships, and making mistakes and learning from them.

When did you last play Monopoly? I’ve never played Monopoly because I’ve never understood how it works.

Who do you trust with your secrets? My two best friends.

As a child what celebrity did you look up to? Probably Vanessa Hudgens back in her High School Musical days? Idk, she seemed like a good role model at the time.

Do you love food more than you love people? I probably do, haha.

True or False: you this read wrong Yup.

What do you usually do on a Sunday? My family goes to 9 AM mass, then we head out for lunch, go malling for a bit, take my sister back to her dorm in Manila, then we spend the rest of the evening at home.

Have you ever met anyone with the same Birthday as you? Yes.

Do you think underwater pictures look cool? I’ve never liked underwater photos ever since I saw that photo of that vacationing scuba diving couple with the dead girl in the background.

What is the most ridiculous law you ever heard about? Nothing comes to mind right now.

Zelda or Mario? Zelda (or Link, if you’re talking about the dude) story-wise, Mario for playability haha.

[glitterandrocketfuel]

36, 39!

Ooh! Thank you for the ask!

36) Can you give us a spoiler for one of your WIP’s? 

why yes…yes I can. Here are two little snippets from  [OMGIhavetocomeupwithaclevertitlebeforetheweekendohshit] - my FOB Merry Little Peterick piece:

Pete Wentz was fond of letters. He loved them like ex-lovers who’d parted on good speaking terms and occasionally provided relationship counseling for current literary engagements. Thus far, the specific ones under the term “ABD on that PhD” have served him well, allowing him to float in the liminal space between senior faculty and student body with enough wiggle room that he enjoyed both staff and student bodies without sliding too far into the charcoal shades of the ethical gray areas. And it prevented him from having to seek out gainful employment (aka an adjunct professorship) which would decrease his living expenses by almost half, since adjunct professors were little more than glorified TAs (which he already was) who had to develop their own course materials (which he currently did not, as a lowly TA) and did not receive money from their families for schooling when they were teachers and not students. As long as he met with his mentor–Joe–every week–at the pub–and “demonstrated progress”–in the form of taking the mic for slam poetry–he was “furthering his education” in the eyes of the university, the family, and the family lawyers who were responsible for maintaining his bank account.

But the words were lost to him as he faced the pub manager, Chris, and attempted to express himself in the form of red-faced indignance at the interruption to his educational progress in the form of a gaping jaw and words that sounded like, “arglebargle.”

“Sorry, Pete.” Chris shrugged. “The owner wants the mic kept open for musical acts.”

“But–but–I always slam on Tuesdays! I’m a fuckin’ hit!” Pete flung an arm out towards the underwhelming crowd scattered at the tables.

Chris followed his gesture. “Dude. Not exactly making your case, here.”

***

Dr. Patrick Stumph hadn’t fought for every inch of academic respect and a successfully-defended doctoral dissertation to play an acoustic set to a weak and indifferent audience at an open-mic gig in a university big enough to have its own zip code (okay, to be fair, the zip code was strictly for ease of mail-routing purposes and not because the university sprawl took over so much territory that it required a tram and its own bus system, but still…). He hadn’t written papers on music theory and composed seven-part rock operas and delivered countless lessons to young musicians in almost every instrument in a full concert band–including the triangle–just to sing folk songs in front of an indifferent bar crowd.

No, he did it for the associate professorship with a fast-track to tenure and the chance to become assistant department head in five years. The acoustic set was more of a goodwill thing to introduce himself to the community. It was already going swimmingly as he stepped around the manager and the asshole who apparently believed “open mic” was his personal headlining show. Patrick’s retort came out of the side of him that knew from experience that youth and shortness nearly always came with the assumption of weakness and, as one of his undergrad advisors had told him, the trick to surviving in academia is to treat the Ivory Tower like the Greybar Hotel–find the biggest sonofabitch in the yard and take him down your first day. This might not be the yard per se, but it was the first of what Patrick was certain would be many tests for the university’s luminaries to make him their bitch. Patrick could bottom like a champ when he was in the mood, but never let it be said he wasn’t a goddamn Power Bottom with capitals intact.

39) Do you prefer first, second or third person? 

I’m old-school native to third person, and I usually get deep POV. I’ve only experimented with not doing immediate past tense, too. Present tense feels a little weird and pretentious to me when I try to do it, unless I’m in a MOOD. Just the way I’ve been trained up. BUT I’ve been experimenting with 3rd Present and if it fits, I can definitely see the appeal. I still think commercial fiction tends to overuse it because it sounds so avant-garde and edgy. But I’ve seen too much commercial fiction where that present-tense just gives lazy writers an excuse for weak plotting or thin characterization with a shrug of “unreliable narrator.”

I don’t mind first person, either, but I tend to place it firmly into a “genre convention” box–mysteries, urban fantasies, etc. are all genres where first-person is a genre convention. I tend not to be terribly fond of it in romance pieces because the appeal of romance is to see the alternating POV from the protagonists, and there’s nothing you can do in first person that you can’t do in 3rd person deep POV with the right words.

Second-person, for me, is purely for experimental weirdness, character studies, and poetic/dramatic performances. I have done second-person, but it’s very short and I find it tough to sustain a mood.

[out-of-this-starless-world]

Happy Birthday!!

@the-rain-shall-fall So...uh...I tried this fic thing that you’re good at. Keyword here is ‘’tried’’. Anyway, I know this is your jam so I thought ‘why not?’ It’s my first time writing a fic thingie so I’m sure there are a lot of mistakes....but anyway happy birthday to the best Vandy ever!! > . < haven’t known you for very long but you make my heart go doki dok//ok nu that was gay but seriously I love you soooooooooooo much I hope you have a super duper special day with all your loved ones <3 alsosorrythissuckssoyoumightwannaneedneweyesafterreading. Edit: Probs should speak about what this is about first? Inspired by a friend’s suggestion, I decided to write something about Seven’s unrequited love for Yoosung. Longing for him was out of the question so Seven tries to cope with it. Well das about it~ ------------------------------------ Ship: yooseven Setting: pre-original story ------------------------------------

                                           Sweet Caramel

It was like a ball of sunshine forcefully made its way into the grimmest, most hopeless and darkest of caves. The obscure cavern’s entrance was sealed by an immense sturdy wall that protected it from curious nearby onlookers. If they wanted to trespass, they would be forced to remain behind the wall. If they tried to break it down, the cavern itself would sometimes fight back. Soon enough, the curious onlookers would leave. No matter how many times they tried to bring down this wall, they would eventually give up—until he came along. His bright smile and innocent eyes managed to cause a crack in that solid wall, it slowly and gradually crumbling without the cavern’s knowledge. It didn’t know what it was like, losing its only powerful barrier that protected it from every single living thing. Now it lays bare, naked and vulnerable in front of a powerful shimmering person. Worst part? The glowing entity was not even aware of what it did—it wasn’t even trying to break down anything; the barrier just naturally melted, along with a certain hacker’s heart. He remembers it just like it was yesterday. Due to Rika needing some help with the party, she borrowed her cousin who was a high school student about to graduate. His name…Yoosung Kim. Seven was asked to add him into RFA and so he did. At first, he didn’t think much of him in the chatroom. He knows Yoosung to be this model student who was in the student committee—a serious person who obviously liked his cousin a bit too clearly. Seven started getting to know him soon enough, before Rika’s sudden death. The kid was innocent, honest, gullible, straight-forward with his actions and words, doesn’t mess around….the exact opposite of him. Yoosung was void of faults; he’s just a harmless boy who doesn’t know what to do in college and loves making coffee. His specialty is cooking omelets, his heart dedicated to a future girlfriend he hasn't met yet, but is frantically looking for that certain special someone. Seven thought that probably –just probably- this kind of person wouldn't mind accepting someone like him, a harmful hacker, so he pushed those thoughts out of the way and focused on his daily work, avoiding a cheerful entity like Yoosung before the two of them end up regretting it. It was harder than anything else. After Rika became no longer part of this world, Yoosung changed a little—from his hair to his grades. No, he also became much…sweeter, though he was always grieving for the loss of an important person, spending most of his time on a game, unable to sleep and study. The blond’s heart hoped for a miracle, and Seven watched him from afar, wishing nothing more than being allowed to be by his side—not as a lover, but at least as a friend. Being friends with a hacker…a dangerous hacker living in obscurity, away from the light of the outer world. However, Yoosung’s light could be compared to that of an entire world’s worth, something that the lonely hacker unfortunately found out on his own, just by chatting with the boy on the messenger that he himself created. Day by day, the redhead began developing a habit of teasing the little blond; the more he pranked him, the more Yoosung would pout and cry. It was a stress-relief at first, but recently Seven has been looking forward to his reactions every time, finding them ‘cute’.  It was dangerous. The hacker would sometimes find himself daydreaming, thinking of ways to tease this little blond boy. His innocent friend’s reactions to the pranks, his ‘angry’ pouting, the way he got so addicted to this game he plays simply to forget about the death of someone he admires. All of this—thinking about Yoosung was more than enough to earn the hacker a verbal beating from his handler, Vanderwood. It happened one time when Seven was way behind work, but still decided to log into the messenger at midnight, hoping Yoosung would be there to chat as this usual time. Indeed, he was there, complaining about LOLOL server maintenance and how he was looking forward to playing in an important event while spamming his crying emojis. Seven chuckled slightly, so Vanderwood wouldn’t hear him laugh. ‘So cute’, he thought as he decided to simply watch the younger man complain instead of signing in and teasing him. Maybe he should comfort him once in a while? No, that’d be out of character…besides, Yoosung is the cutest when pouting and calling ‘Seveeeeeeeen’ and spamming crying and depressed emojis. Just the thought made the hacker’s smile go wide…which Vanderwood noticed. ‘’Wipe that smile off your face and get those hands moving.’’  As the brunet ordered, Seven sighed and placed the phone he used for the messenger aside, his hands typing away until morning without as much of a break. About a month passed. Nothing changed much; Jaehee still overworking herself, Jumin still coming up with (awesome) cat projects that Seven would love to be a part of but is afraid of Jaehee’s angry emoji sticker, Zen getting new roles and learning new selfie angles and Yoosung’s usual awful grades in college which he always complains about but never does anything about it (which is also cute). Nothing changed much, except Seven’s agonizing and confusing feelings for the blond boy with awful grades. Now what was he supposed to do? He’s like a moth that got attracted to a certain bright light, fluttering around it until it gets burned from too much exposure. The world this hacker lived in was no healthy environment for an innocent and gullible young boy like Yoosung. Seven knew that, and yet, in a desperate attempt to redeem himself, he did the exact opposite of what he should be doing and sought Yoosung out. ‘’You asked him out to the movies?!’’ The angry brunet’s voice reverberated in the bunker. ‘’When you’re already way behind schedule, what’s wrong with you? You have a death wish?’’ Seven shifted in his seat, pulling up his knees into the chair and hugged them. ‘’Give me a break, Madam…I didn’t mean to…’’ Oddly enough, this time, Seven was actually telling the truth. The night before he sent the young boy a text message asking him to go out and watch a movie, Seven was extremely…intoxicated—or drowning in PhD Pepper hell. It was the night when the hacker decided to exclude Yoosung out of his life in order not to hurt the both of them, but at the end, he ended up doing the opposite while trying to cope with the unfairness of this situation. ‘’Then fucking fix it. There’s no time for you to mess around.’’  Vanderwood ignored the redhead’s attempts at arguing and went back to folding the laundry. ‘’How many red shirts and jackets do you need, anyway? They all look the same. Also, lay off the racing car underwear, you’re not 12 years old.’’ Seven was drifting closer to the bunker’s exit as quietly and slowly as he could. ‘’My heart is that of a 12 year old, Mary. The only way to live a good life is to be a child, Mary. You wouldn’t understand anyway, Mary. You’re so stuck-up, Mary.’’ Before Vanderwood could throw a hissy fit at him, Seven already flew out of the bunker, heading to the garage where he swiped the keys from the car plate and hopped on his ‘babe’ then made his way to where Yoosung lived. ‘’Vanderwood wouldn’t have so much energy as to chase me all the way here, right? He doesn’t care as long as I finish my work, after all. Saaaaaafe.’’ Soon enough, the hacker found himself in front of Yoosung’s apartment, wondering if the boy would be ready and waiting for him. ‘’As if…he didn’t reply to the text…if not, then that’s the best case scenario.’’ Not knowing whether to knock or just barge in—wait, he should really just knock or else Yoosung would scream his name, pout and maybe cry-- ‘’Yoosung, are! you! ready?’’ The hacker hummed as he picked the locks of the door’s keyhole before barging into the boy’s apartment, revealing a Yoosung with a shirt and….no pants. ‘’Wha--!! Seven!!’’  Ah, there it is, that angry name calling. Perfect. Those fair legs. Perfect. That messy hair. Perfect. Those huge purple orbs with a glint of tears swelling up in the corner of his eyes….perfect. ‘’Go away!! I’m putting my pants on!’’  The perverted hacker blushed, but didn’t turn around to give him privacy. ‘’Does it matter? We’re both dudes~ nice legs, by the way.’’ Seven laughed as Yoosung got flustered and threw a pillow at him, calling his name angrily over and over again. ‘’My fault for being lazy and not getting dressed up in my room…wait, this isn’t my fault. Why did you come in without permission? I’m calling the cops, the cops!!’’  Seven smirked, still trying to look away from the boy’s half-naked body. ‘’….Superman underwear? Really? Ah, I mean, I called for you (lies) but you didn’t answer! So I thought…that….you’d….be….by now…’’  The redhead dramatically fell to the floor and started fake sobbing. ‘’As always I don’t get what you’re saying…you’re even weirder in person. You’re tame during the parties…but what are you doing now? Oh…?’’  It took the boy a while to register Seven’s comment about his underwear, which made him blush profusely. ‘’You…! Yeah, so what, so what??’’  He pouted and retrieved the pants from Seven’s hands who was clutching at it for some reason and put it on, then turned his attention back to the hacker on the floor.  ‘’You’re here for the movies right? I thought you were joking when you asked me to hang out…why all of a sudden?’’  Seven got up and spoke in a serious tone, gazing into Yoosung’s amethyst eyes. ‘’To be honest, I was drunk on PhD Pepper. Before I knew it, my hands started typing you a text message! This could only mean one thing, Yoosung!!’’ ‘’You should quit drinking so much PhD Pepper?’’ ‘’Yes it means my subconscious wanted to hang out with you, Yoosung! There’s no other meaning…it could also be an order from the sky. I can feel it; just thinking about it makes the hair on my arms perk up!! Ahh! Yoosung, you shouldn’t refuse an order from the sky!!’’ ‘’You speak too much, Seven…and what happens if I do?’’  ‘’You’ll anger the gods and then you’ll never get a girlfriend.’’ ‘’What?!’’ ‘’It’s true. The gods shall take away your greatest wish!’’ Yoosung started visibly sweating. Not wanting to stay a forever alone, he decided to sacrifice himself and go out with this weird redhead who was giggling for some reason. The boy frowned but then sighed and picked up his phone, sliding it in his pocket. ‘’Alright alright, let’s go…but I get to choose what we watch!’’ ‘’Nah, we’re watching Interstellar.’’ ‘’Seveeeen!’’ ‘’Fine, you choose.’’ Seven had been grinning all the way to the movies, disregarding Yoosung’s attempts at finding out why he’s got such a stupid look on his face. The both of them took a cab instead of riding Seven’s car so it was left parked somewhere near Yoosung’s apartment. ‘’We’re here, we’re here!’’, exclaimed the overly-excited hacker, who was looking forward to sneaking a few long stares at Yoosung’s face without his knowledge while the blond was focusing on the movie. ‘’What are you getting so excited about…oh! Look!’’  Yoosung glued himself to a poster of the movie he decided they would be watching. It had cartoonish animation, and according to the visuals, it seemed to be a superhero theme. Seven sighed and dragged Yoosung by his hoodie to the snacks stand. ‘’Get us two caramel popcorns, 1 PhD Pepper and 1 carton of chocolate milk. Thanks in advance.’’ He handed him money and pushed him towards the stand then headed to buy two tickets of the weird-looking superhero cartoonish movie. ‘’Who’s gonna buy choco milk?! Seven, you meanie!!’’ Yoosung’s whining was music to the hacker’s ears, who heard him from afar. He chuckled aloud, startling the lady in front of him. After a while, they were both finally seated and were waiting for the movie to start. ‘’Why did you get us the farthest seats from the screen ever…..’’ Yoosung whined. ‘’So no one would see us.’’ ‘’…and why is that? What’ll happen if someone sees us??’’ ‘’Bad things. Remember there’s this organization called Hackers Chasing Hackers…they’re after me, and if they see you with me, they might hold you captive and feed you cafeteria food for 3 meals a day.’’ ‘’What?? Seven!!’’ The commercials were done with and the movie started, grabbing away the blond’s attention from the redhead sitting next to him. ‘’….but then why did you choose to get out…with me of all people….you’re so mean…’’ Yoosung slight kept his whining when the show started, his focus on the street. ‘’Because I like you.’’ He whispered. ‘’What, Seven?’’ ‘’Because I like seeing you complaining.’’ He raised his voice a bit higher. ‘’I knew it, you’re the woooorst…’’ Half an hour in, and Seven couldn’t keep his eyes off of Yoosung. Sometimes the boy would notice eyes on him and turn around, finding nothing then turning his attention back to the movie, giggling at the main character. Seven slowly scooted closer; he wanted to hold his hand, kiss his cheek, kiss those whiny lips, run his tongue over them, make the little blond blush and shiver under him while in public. The hacker sighs; he didn’t even know what the hell this movie was about, he was busy focusing on something else—something beautiful, natural and blinding…like the sun itself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ‘’That was amazing! Did you see that kick? It went Paw Pow Bow!!’’ ‘’Yeah, yeah. It was beautiful’’, the hacker exclaimed while smiling at him. ‘’What’re you smiling for?~ anyway, can we go home? I’ve got to…um…study.’’ Seven smirked and pinched the other man’s nose. ‘’Right…then we’ll take separate cabs. Good luck conquering the world of LOLOL.’’ ‘’S-Shut up, I said I’ll study…’’ he mumbles, watching Seven calling a cab for him. ‘’There you go, be safe getting home. I’ll be going now, too~’’ He turns away and waves from behind before hearing the voice he loves so much call back at him. ‘’Seven!..I…had fun today! You’re not as weird as I thought!’’ The boy yelled at him, smiling brightly. Fuck. He wanted to hold him and kiss him in front of all these people passing by, in front of the driver who was still waiting, in front of the whole world to claim him as his own…Maybe he should. Then, when Yoosung rejects him, the hacker can finally move on and focus on what he needs to. With such a decision made on impulse, Seven quietly turned around and walked towards the boy. ‘’Yeah, I had fun too.’’ Yoosung smiled brightly at him. ‘’We should do this again sometime! …could watch your uh…Space movie thing next!’’ Is he trying to make it up to him? How cute. Seven reached for Yoosung’s hands and held them tight to his chest, which gave the boy a confused look on his face. ‘’Uh….Seven…?’’ With a weak smile, Seven leaned forward and brushed his lips over Yoosung’s, and like a man with nothing more to lose, he pressed their lips together, deepening it enough to taste all of Yoosung. His lips were soft and supple, tasting like sweet caramel, a perfect combination, the sweetest thing Seven has ever tasted so far. ‘’Yoosung…’’ The hacker pulled away only slightly enough to moan the boy’s name. His eyes unfocused and full of love, there was only one thing left to do. ‘’I like you, Yoosung…’’ He whispered with all his heart. Seven pushed their lips together once again, lost in the desperation of what’s to come, not wanting to think about the consequences. He could do that once in a while, could he? Though this time, this could be the second hardest decision he made—voluntarily making Yoosung hate him and avoid the living lights of him. ‘’Wha—what are you doing?!’’ Seven was pushed, their lips separated. The warmth is gone, the sweet taste still lingering on the hacker’s twisted lips. He hung his head low, unable to look at the man he loves so dearly…and who just rejected him. ‘’…..’’ Yoosung said nothing, but Seven could hear him sniffling for a while before getting inside the cab, it driving away. The hacker stared at the back of the car for a while, disregarding the curious looks of the people around him. ‘’It’s over…I can go back to my work now…Vanderwood will be relieved…’’ He wanted to break down here and then, but pulled himself together and went back home. He’ll have time to cry and scream all he wants inside his bunker without anyone interrupting him, after all. He had…no one. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 5 months have passed. At first, Yoosung’s absence from the messenger worried all the other members. Even V, who hardly logged in, noticed the blond’s inactivity and voiced his concern. Then the members decided to visit him if he didn’t pick up their calls, but every time they came over, Yoosung would act like nothing happened and serve them tea, saying that he’s been too busy playing LOLOL to really check in. In truth, the blond’s LOLOL hours were extended from usual; he spent much more time on it, sometimes skipping a few days of school in a row. Seven believed this was done in order to avoid ever running into him. It took about a month until Yoosung began logging in like normal again, and as Seven predicted, the blond so obviously avoided him in chat, making up a random excuse and logging out almost instantly when Seven was on. The hacker, on the other hand, took a couple of days off before he could log onto the messenger again, in order not to raise suspicion. He also kept joking around as usual, even when Yoosung logs in and later excuses himself. Having no interaction for almost half a year, Seven felt himself slowly tear up from the inside. His ‘plan’ didn’t quite work; he still held strong feelings for the younger man, feelings that were eating him up and making his life a living hell. When did he become this weak? Was there anything he couldn’t overcome ever since having no choice but to leave what he loved most behind him? Seven somehow knew why…he could still taste the younger man’s sweet caramel lips on his…no matter how many times he tries to get rid of it. ‘’How long are you gonna keep sulking for?’’ Vanderwood uttered, standing behind the hacker as the latter worked his magic and typed away. For a while, nothing could be heard but clicking sounds in the bunker. The brunet sighed when Seven didn’t answer him; he didn’t know what happened between him and the blond boy, but he could guess. All he needed to know was that Seven messed up, anyway. ‘’Answer me when I’m talking to you, agent Seven Zero Seven.’’ ‘’You’re especially grumpy today, Madam.’’ Seven answered in a monotone voice, still not looking away from the screen. ‘’No, you’re being a real pain in the ass, you know that?’’ ‘’What of it?’’ Seven turned his chair around to look at the brunet. ‘’I’ve done nothing but work for 5 months, is that a problem? My attitude is not getting in the way of my duties.’’ Vanderwood groaned and sighed again; Seven right now reminded him very clearly of how the hacker was before receiving a certain letter that contained god-knows-what that made Seven lighten up drastically. Back then, Seven never smiled and only did his job, was secluded from everyone else and never slept, nor joked nor pulled pranks. Is he going back to that time…? ‘’Well, whatever…’’  Vanderwood rubbed the back of his neck and clicked his tongue before leaving the bunker. To tell the truth, he’s been resting a lot more now that Seven is doing his job properly…but still, something felt off. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A few weeks passed, and Seven’s appearance in the chatroom diminished greatly. He tried as best as he could to be like how he used to be before, but even that is proving to be difficult as the younger boy kept avoiding him. Of course he would…first, he was asked out by someone he barely knew, then kissed and confessed to by that someone… ‘’That…must have been his first kiss, too.’’ Seven thought, disgusted with himself for feeling both guilty and glad. How much lower can he get? ‘’He’s…here.’’ Seven sighed and threw his phone elsewhere. He had decided to check out the messenger, hoping to crack a joke then get back to work but…Yoosung was there. Should he try to…? In any case, the boy must have left already. A minute later, the hacker checked his phone…but to his surprise, Yoosung didn’t leave but was instead asking why he wasn’t answering him…along with a crying emoji. Seven’s heart was beating fast and his fingers shaking tremendously; when was the last time they had an ounce of contact with each other? ‘’Yoosung…’’ <Seven O Seven is here! Did someone call for help??> <This handsome defender of justice is~ at~ your~ service!!~> His shaky hands stopped typing, hoping this was enough…what, or rather, how should he deal with this? As soon as he thought that, Yoosung left the chatroom. Seven fell to his knees, feeling weak. Did he make a mistake…was Yoosung not looking for him but someone else? His eyes weren’t showing him what his heart wanted, were they? A few minutes passed and then Seven heard his phone ring. He thought it was his boss calling him in for another load of work but his eyes widened as he saw the name on the screen. ‘’Yoosung….?’’ No way, did the boy press the wrong button? If he didn’t, then that means Seven will have a chance to hear that voice again…the voice that calls out his name ever so soothingly…He took a deep breath to calm himself before picking out his phone and pressing the green button, hoping the younger boy won’t hang up. To be honest, simply hearing his voice would do. It’d make his life less of a living hell for a while. He was looking forward to even hearing his breathing through the phone, just the fact that are in contact with one another is fine, anything is fine…Didn’t the hacker want to be avoided…? Isn’t that why he messed everything up? So why….why, why, why? Why did Yoosung call? With sweaty hands and a quick beating heart, Seven let out his trembling voice. ‘’H-Hello…?’’   [End]

[pendragonfics]

Doesn’t Phase Me

Paring: Vision/Reader

Tags: female reader, Vision is sweet, fluff, computers, set after Age of Ultron and Civil War, some spoilers for Captain America: Civil War, angst. 

Summary: The stray computer science prodigy of Mr. and Mrs. Richards finds her way into the Avengers, working for the team's tech, and falls head over motherboard for Vision. Vision, however, doesn't get why he's accepted so quickly by her...

Word Count: 1,543

Posting Date:  2017-02-25

Current Date: 2017-06-10

As a computer programmer and a hardcore nerd who barely saw the light of day save for when the mechanics were outside, you were one hundred percent enamoured when you saw Vision enter the compound after the battle overseas. It wasn't like you were a field agent, anyway, there was no use for you in Ultron's fiasco (especially if he knew that there was a person who was quick enough at coding to falter his plans). Thus, Fury had you deep undercover, off the internet, and waiting for the return of everyone. 

When you saw how he floated, walking as if on water above the ground, you couldn't help but analyse the handiwork of Dr. Cho, of the two resident scientists who had helped make Vision come to be there before you.

"I'm _________, resident computer mechanic-slash-programmer," you hold out a hand for him to shake, watching him eye your hand, and then slide his crimson palm in with yours. "You must be Vision."

He nods his eyes examining you, "That I am. I assume by your title that it is you who I will go to for physiological examinations for someone of my kind." His voice is even, melodic like you remember of Tony Stark's AI J. A. R. V. I. S. had been, but unlike what you'd researched the original AI's corporeal body to have been.

Tony clapped him on the back, releasing his hand from the grasp. "That's right, buddy. And over here, just down the hall is where we all sleep; we've got a room for you too..." Even as they walked away, you could see Vision glance behind him, taking you in once more before he and Stark turned the corner, and inside you, a pull of your heartstrings. Even if you weren't one semester off having a PhD in computer mechanics, you were still allured to him, like he wasn't just born a few weeks ago, but years ago like a regular human.

---

You're fine-tuning the designs for the replacement for James Barnes' arm half a year later, and while you're not angry at Tony Stark for blasting the poor guys prosthetic off, you're quite into the mechanics of what makes up the arm in the first place. In all, you're a big ball of emotion but rather fangirling over what makes the ex-Winter Soldier super powerful. You're so into the project that you hardly hear the chair beside you scrape back, and a figure sit upon it. 

"It's a shame Mr. Barnes' arm was at cost at the end of the scuffle," the pleasant-sounding voice of Vision comments, and in turn, earns him a spared glance from the screen you're working from. "I can tell you are quite into this subject matter," Vision waves his palm around the lab you're both in, around the sketches and half-finished projects you're in amidst.

You chuckle. "It comes with being a nerd," you grin, "I mean, my parents are the one and only Mr. and Mrs. Richards, and unlike my brother, and sister, I'm just really smart. And hate it when people treat me like I'm some kind of fantastic human being just because I came from the Sue Storm's womb." 

Vision nods. "I too feel a sort of sympathy for your feelings; it would seem that people only see me for what Ultron had in mind, or as simply a freak of nature from within Dr. Cho's cradle." He crosses his legs, and adds, "But it does not matter what anyone thinks of me. I am simply who I am, and there is nothing anyone can do to change me." 

"That's the spirit," you elbow him, grinning. "I heard you're like, wicked smart too. Want to collab sometime with these projects? My physics is getting a little rusty." 

Vision smiles, rising from the chair to float above the floor. "I cannot see why not." He frowns, almost like he's caught mid-thought, and adds, voice almost off somewhere with his mind. "_______, I have noticed that you are different to the other people in the Avengers." 

You put the project down, turning to face him. You're not sure whether to be flattered or concerned with that remark, but instead of flagging those emotions, you wink, and give him two finger guns, playing it off cool. "Thanks, buddy-pal, guess I'm more rad then the rest of those heroes." 

Vision smiles at your remark, but doesn't agree. "It's not that you are 'rad', ______...what I meant to have said is that you treat me different than the other people in the Avengers. You treat me like I am a human man, carbon-based. Not...not a robot. Why?"

You feel your heart falter at that, those words. "Viz," you whisper, reaching a hand for his, "I'm sure they're just still warming up to you. And for me? You don't really phase me. You're as normal and as real as any guy here...and that's saying something, because I met Steven Strange at Dunkin' Donuts last summer after a bender, and he's basically The Matrix IRL." 

Vision takes in your words, but doesn't seem to hear them. "Thank you, _______." At this, he floats, and without another word, flies through the ceiling above your heads and into the upper levels of the base. 

--- 

It isn't for another week that you finally catch him; it's almost like Vision was avoiding your or something. But to be fair, you practically avoided the rest of the A-Team like the plague if you couldn't help it, so it wasn't all on him. But here, standing in the middle of the dining room holding a muffin, you catch him standing in the centre of the dining room table, phased so he's really in the table. 

"What's up, buttercup?" you ask him, taking a bite from your muffin. "Been busy? I haven't seen you for your daily checkup lately. Anything wrong?"

"I could not reach for the fruit basket, so I -," he pauses, not finished the sentence, leaving it open ended, traipsing off into the ether. "I don't believe I have to explain everything to those who do not require it," he said, almost like an afterthought aloud.

You nod. "Dude, it's a-okay. I'm just grabbing my muffin, and going back to my little hobbit hole where everyone avoids. I'll be out of your cape in a moment." 

At this, you turn on your heel, and start the walk to the lab feeling a little heavy in your chest. Was this emotion? Why were you feeling dejected, of all feelings because a guy was being awkward skirting around the questions you'd asked? Perhaps it was because it was an all too familiar feeling, and you were a human being and feelings came and went like yesterday's Jimmy Choo's from the Paris Hilton's closet. Perhaps it was because you'd actually bared your heart and soul to the one person who you'd actually, well, felt comfortable around, and he'd just dodging away from the matter.  

"Wait." 

Your feet take another step, and still. Turning, you see Vision, floating the way you'd first seen him do toward you, his face a mixture of emotions you couldn't quite decipher on his ruby face. Suddenly, the muffin in your hand forgotten, you reach almost toward him, wondering what sparked the word which haltered your footsteps.

"I don't understand," he muttered, "how you have constant patience and admiration for me. Many of the other people around us here at the Avengers compound do not have the same feelings." 

You feel tears building up, edging closer to the point of spilling over your face. "It's called patience, and understanding. Who you are - what you are, where you came from...it doesn't phase me, Vision. You're beautiful, unique and great the way you are. You don't need to pretend you're like me, or anyone else to fit in here. Hell, hasn't Ms. Maximoff learned that the hard way?" you ask him. "If anything, I love you for who you are, Vision." 

His hand reached for you, cradling your face, fingers smooth across your skin, carding through your hair. "Then I must be the luckiest synthesised humanoid of all time to have met you," his voice lulls you, soothes you, and closing your eyes, a stray tear escapes. "Why are you crying, _________? Is it something I said -," 

You shake your head, and without a hesitation, you thrust yourself onto him, and wrap your arms around his middle, lay your head upon his chest. He isn't like the other people you've laid your head upon; there is no heartbeat, a pulse of blood thrust around a circulatory system. There's a whirring of some kind, a sign he's real and there  and you've not just fallen asleep at your lab bench again. 

"No," you smile, the tears falling freely. "Sometimes we humans, no matter how smart or independent, cry for reasons beyond sadness." 

At this, Vison lays a hand behind your head, cradling you, bringing you closer to his chest. "Your tendencies...who you are - what you are, where you came from...it doesn't phase me, ______. I think I love you." 

You grin into his chest. "Yeah, that sounds about right...I think I love you too."

[hayleybaaaby-blog]

because I really haven't taken a survey in years - I miss MySpace bulletin board or whatever, lmao.

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
• I'm not sure, honestly. I was in a severely abusive relationship for well over 4 years, ending in January when he was incarcerated for brutally beating me, raping me, & attacking me, all with our two children present. Our 5 year anniversary would be in a few days, the 28th. 😐 Truthfully, I don't know if I'm stronger, but I definitely know that I'll never tolerate anything like that again. Never. 2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?
• being abused over & over again, physically, emotionally, sexually. All in front of my children. I feel pathetic, weak, & disgusted with myself to have kept taking him back.. 3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?
• uh, well. I don't know. I feel trapped in the house I live in with my parents & 2 kids, but that's because of what Luis did to me in my very bedroom - on my bed - and in my kitchen + living room. I feel HAPPIEST at the park or library with the kiddos. Or outside in general. 4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?
• outside with my kids, walking up the dirt driveway. 🌞 5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?
• my kids' father. He's made me the MESS I am today.. 6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
• I can't just name one thing. I hate my mental health issues (severe anxiety, depression, & ADHD), dealing with constant migraines, the fact that I don't have a car, & the way I'm constantly beating myself up about everything. 7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?
• hmm. Take my kiddos to an amusement park or somewhere fun for kiddos. 🌸 8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?
• none. 😂 they're all awful tbh. The only one I kinda like is the 1980's. 9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?
• my children, of course 👩‍👧‍👦 I birthed them, ya know 🤰🏼 But aside from my kiddos, I guess my mother. We butt heads a lot, but she's a very strong & motivated person. My sis & I used to be close.... it hurts. 10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?
• no one, shit I hardly know myself. 🙅🏼 11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?
• how they grew inside of me, came from my body, love me unconditionally, & NEVER want to leave my side. 💘 if y'all can't tell who I'm talking about, that'd be my 2 darling babies. 💜💙💗 12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?
• as a youngin', I wanted to be a teacher. Then as I got a lil older, I desired to be a Psychologist. But then I fell pregnant with Miranda & only took one semester in college.. 13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?
• honestly not sure. 14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?
• oh, who doesn't love compliments. They're brighten your spirit. Especially seeing as I suffered years of being told that I'm bad looking 🙄 but I'm also extremely self-conscious & awkward when I receive a compliment, so 🙈 tis the anxiety. 15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?
• I guess non-physical? I like how understanding and caring I am. I tend to care too much, tho. 16. What is your favorite attribute about yourself?
• I'm caring. 17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?
• I've literally just said that 😂😂 18. Do you believe in love at first sight?
• I used to believe that anything was possible, until I met a monster who destroyed all my positivity. 19. Do you believe in soul mates?
• don't think so. 20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?
• I don't really check them lol. 21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?
• true, blindly, awful love: once. Puppy love: twice. 22. What makes you fall in love with someone?
• everything.... 💔 23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?
• vulnerability just perfectly describe me currently. I'm fairly low in my emotions, so yeah. My kids' dad is who always made me feel that way. Also heartbreak, being betrayed, & embarrassment make me feel like that. 24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?
• ain't nothing to scary to ask a man 🤔😬 25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?
• nothing lol I have no desire to be a man. 😳 26. What do you find most attractive about each sex? * men would be probably their eyes, smile, hands, arms, build. women would be their hair, eyes, smile, passion, body. 27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?
• psychology. 28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?
• take my kids to the beach. 🌊☀️🏊🏼‍♀️🚣🏽‍♀️ I've been before, a handful of times in my childhood & teenager years, but not since I was 17 with my mother, my ex (their dad), & a few other people. I would be so incredibly happy to take my babies to the beach, lie out in the sand & tan while we build sand castles & then take off running to the water to swim 💙🙌🖤 Another thing I'd love to do is go on a cruise. I want to travel the world someday, also. I want to rock climb. Attempt to surf or ski. 🏄🏼‍♀️⛸⛷ Even like to try to ride a horse. 🏇🏼 I want to take self-defense classes 🥋🥊🤼‍♀️ that'll protect me & my kids once my ex does get released. I ALWAYS wanted to learn how to play the piano or keyboard 🎹 I wanted to learn to ACTUALLY dance, take dance lessons & also I'm OBSESSED with gymnastics. But since I'm in my twenties, I'll settle for asking my babygirl to join gymnastics 🤸🏽‍♀️ & just maybe, she'll become an Olympian 🥇🎖🏅 hehe. I played softball for 7 years. I hope so much that my kiddos are athletic 😄😅 29. Why haven’t you done it yet?
• because that's A LOT of stuff, & I don't have the 💵💰💸 for all that. Kids are expensive lil creatures, ya know. 🤑 but so worth it. 🙌💕 30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?
• I definitely would love to go into Photography. 🖤📸🎥📱 honestly, I want to be a Psychologist & earn my PhD, but that's so many years in school. With two kids, that's going to be fairly difficult when my main focus & top priority is them. I dunno. I have even considered nursing because it's only 2 years in school, fair pair, good insurance, & different hours. 31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?
• I don't have a job currently. Just a stay-at-home mama. It's 7:35am. I've done nothing but stay up all night, lying on the couch, playing on my phone or tablet. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ I'll regret it later 🤦🏼‍♀️😅 32. What was the last thing that made you cry?
• some dude. Talking about how I need to get over what Luis did to me because it's "in the past" && how I'm not a perfect mother basically. Here's this: Eff You 🤔🖕 33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
• my son. 💙 his smile & laughter are contagious 👶🏽 34. What is your favorite memory?
• the first time I held each of my child, most definitely. 💓 also, the first time I ever breastfed them, kissed them, & pretty much all of the good memories with them. 😍😭 35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?
• I'm VERY easily embarrassed, like it's terrible. So, there's no telling. Everything literally bothers or embarrasses me. #anxietyproblems 36. What is your biggest fear?
• losing my children. death. my ex. 37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?
• yes, I have 2 very big ones. The first regret I have is taking Luis back AFTER I left him for around 2.5 months. I was newly pregnant with Leonardo, like maybe 3 months pregnant but had only just found out a few weeks before. He attacked me, and I called my dad. Left him & only took Miranda to see him during daytime in broad daylight, never was alone with him for too long, & did not spend the night. The second regret I have is letting him come in my window the morning he intended on killing me.. 38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?
• of course I have. I've been arrested before 🤦🏼‍♀️🙅🏼 All to protect my piece of shit ex because HE ditched my car while drunk. It taught me a valuable lesson, though. I didn't drink after that & still don't. He, on the other hand, didn't learn anything. I ended up with obstruction of justice charges & underaged possession 🙎🏼 I had 100 hours of fucking community service!!! Had to even take an AA class & driving class EVEN after they found out I wasn't driving. Oh, & the magistrate wanted to lock me up for 10 days to "teach" me a lesson about lying to authority 😭 39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done? * stay with my ex. 40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?
• sure would. would give me anxiety, but some people need their day brightened. 41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)? * yup sure would. 42. What’s your favorite joke? * I'm not sure . 43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
• can I be both & neither 😂 I love animals, but all of my babies have passed away. I used to have a ferret, who passed in December. She was my girl 🌝🌚 miss my Loca Luna. 🐾 44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
• a cat 🐱 45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?
• Jerry Springer & Maury 🙈🙊 46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?
• like Angelica from the Rugrats 👧🏼 47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?
• when I was like 18 & pregnant. Everything was so new & exciting. I loved my ex with all of my heart, too. So blind. 48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?
• that women have the right to their own bodies. & that borders are imaginary lines that were only created after this country was stolen from the indigenous people.. 49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?
• I'm a single mommy who's been through hell & back but am surviving && thriving 💋 50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?
• a vehicle ..

[hankeverythingwillbefine]

Think before you speak

Day 12

I downloaded Firefox because Chrome is crashing and can’t get a way to fix it, I didn’t know I had synced all the information from my old laptop and logged into this one thinking “just in case I break another one because I’ve always been clumsy” but there were usernames and passwords to things I haven’t used in ages and your hotmail email was there as well. I know that the sole reason I don’t want to have kids is because I’m clumsy with people and things and the baby will surely be dropped and more than likely the first birthday will be spent in a graveyard with everyone angry at me. Anyhow, I was going to check my work email through outlook and your email was saved as well. Curiosity definitely won and saw that your inbox was non-eventful, spam folder the way it should be from a (probably) decade-old account... full of ads and scams and viruses just waiting to spring into action. I accidentally clicked on your sent emails and their contents will shock you.. to find out that I saw them. I was horribly offended and with the surge of anger, I thought of asking for the divorce right then and there. I saw the date the email you sent 7/20/2019 and it was sent to your “friend”, Isaac. You remember Isaac, the one that kept trying to break us up, the one that kept arguing with you about who knows what (I believed in giving you your privacy despite you denying mine), the one that hid a kid from you when you were dating and when he was trying to get back with you. You know, that guy. He doesn’t bother me or make me feel insecure, I’ve befriended people before you and you have too. It just bothers me that it was the last Saturday that we spent together, you know... trying to talk to you but kept accepting input from anyone but me. What bothers me the most is the line (and I’m translating here) “but seriously I am separating and probably will get a divorce, because that’s what I want, a divorce...”

I felt the tempest of rage growing exponentially. I stood up, paced and grabbed my phone. Last time I acted on impulse, I went to a hotel and had a 5-hour panic attack and auditory hallucinations due to lack of sleep. Before going off on you, I took a look at the date, realized that you’re in a different head space now and may not be in a rush to get the divorce. I just asked if I could give you a call, you asked what about and I lied and said I wanted to ask about going to couples therapy (Because I’m not ready for additional therapy and we’re not there yet). I told you I was busy with work, which I was and you told me to be a man and the same old song and dance but you agreed. The real reason wasn’t even to get you back, I’m confident in the fact that I have a very good chance to do so just not yet. I really just wanted to hear your voice and since you’re fickle when it comes to agreements, double check if you’d take care of Hank for me while I focus on working. I’m actually interested in applying for Audi, Luxembourg is just going to have to wait.

I asked to speak with you after work, I had errands to run so we could argue in English in a country that doesn’t speak it so a phone call was great. I went to the mall because it’s all malls around here. I needed to go to the bank and sign up to a gym that is better suited to my tastes and needs. I needed to get a feel of the situation, how to speak to you because sometimes I need to even though I shouldn’t. You spoke and you vented and blamed and it lasted for a good 45 minutes. I basically got a chance to get a chance to get you back but have to keep myself from reverting back to the apathetic and irresponsible me. That’s fair. You kept bragging about how much you’re banking and how much you’re this and that and whatever, it’s great. Don’t forget you made me give up MY chance to do the same, sure you gave me chances to come back but I don’t know if you’ll try to make me leave it again. Once everything calmed down, you said that I had a hidden motive (which was not getting you back, I’m sneaky but I announce my plans even when you don’t notice). So I asked you to take care of Hank, I’d buy the food for all of the dogs and pay you for watching him. You said he’s yours (the fucking nerve) and all of you would be happy without me (which I can see, might write it on a suicide note if I get to that but the whole point of this journal is for me to read it one month from now or one year from now and see how everything changed. I hope it’s for the better. You want me to bring him sooner, which I agree with. I’m going to stay with my parents a bit longer, even though we’re not living together I still said I was going to help you pay the loan. Goodbye savings, I’ll be moving later on in the year but I have to at least remain constant with this. Anyway, we complained about my mother and how she feeds the dogs (she loves them a lot but she feeds them bones and human food they shouldn’t). So we got a laugh at my expense and things I said, you set some rules and one of them being “read books because it’s your fault that I speak to people like their dumb because that’s how I speak to you.”. I read but I’ve never been much into pop culture and I withdrew myself from everything because I was focused in what I wanted to do. I graduated magna cum laude and got my masters in psychology before I turned 25. All I really knew about was cellphones (because I was working at Verizon at the time) and psychology. When I came back to the life of social networking, I hadn’t used my (open and used once) facebook account since 2008 and myspace was a thing of the past. I remember deleting my myspace and I was there for the death of vines and people complaining about that. My only entertainment was in reading essays, PhD thesis related to what I studied... and comics/manga. I was there for marvel zombies and waited for the issues of civil war and gasped when Spider-Man unmasked himself on TV. I didn’t really get to watch much TV, favorite bands of mine had several records out already, there were many movies I hadn’t seen yet. I wasn’t even trying to look intellectual, I was in a hurry to get out of my hometown and the Masters was just my final “fuck you”. Anyhow, you demean and have many misconceptions of psychology so I gave up talking to you about it. I could talk to you about the Batman who Laughs but you’d get bored. Sure, you got into Marvel like everyone else who saw it trend while I complain like those who’ve read the comics. There are some weird books I do want to read.

You mentioned you started smoking again, not out of need and not like every day but just because you couldn’t do it with me around and I’m doing the same thing with carbs. I meant what I said about my carbo load but you got a laugh out of it, I still got it. You said you still miss me and that I owe you my everything so I have to be the man that gives you your proper place as my wife, which I think is fair after seeing you give so much that your mental health got to its current state. You said you were going out for a weekend for your birthday, I cheered you on and not understanding that you were insinuating that I go too... until you invited me. Split costs, which I’m cool with. I told you that I know you’re not whoring around and only working and cranking Cardi B, which you confirmed and laughed. Though we don’t know where we’re at, you say we might get a divorce and that you don’t know but it all seems to point at “dude, fix your shit and come back”. I have to be direct but you can’t do that, oh well. Maybe I’m seeing and hearing what I want to see and hear. I said I was going to hang up, leaving things on a good note instead of throwing your past in your face like you did with me when you read all of my emails from years before I met you. I don’t think you want me throwing your emails to Ivan from 2012 begging to have him come back to you saying that you love him and that you were stupid. 

We were all stupid in 2012. If you found this blog and read this, it’s safe to assume a one-sided argument is on its way. 

Still, I agreed to go as your bodyguard on your vacation. 3 weeks? Bring it on