#to be fair doctors n therapists have brought up Many Different Things

[equalseleventhirds]

as someone w adhd who's followed u for many years, are u....not already diagnosed w adhd???

nope! it's been brought up as a possibility by doctors n therapists n stuff but i haven't pursued a diagnosis, bcos the process is..... so much. so much. how do u even start??? so i haven't.

i do find a lot of the advice around how to cope with adhd helpful, so the ppl who've brought it up are Probably Right (or i've got something similar), but i haven't been officially diagnosed or treated. .......i am considering it, bcos god, sometimes whatever the fuck is up with my brain is. so difficult. like mostly it's Manageable but sometimes it's Ugh. i'm studying for midterms and it's Ugh.

[marvelgurl]

Off-Limits: Part 9

Characters: Tom Holland X Reader Osterfield, Harrison Osterfield, Holland boys (mentioned), Dr. Riley Cotter (OC)

Word Count: 4780

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Therapy, Mild Anxiety/ Panic Attack

A/n: Sorry there was no update on this series last week, Life decided to be a bitch and get in the way. 

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As always Feedback is more than welcome. The Good and The Bad. I really helps me.

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You don’t know how long you were standing in the middle of this giant hug but when it was over, it seemed like it was too soon. After everything that has happened the last couple months, there was this sense of peace that finally came over you. Now you were going to work hard to keep it like this. You know it’s going to be an up-hill battle, but you know that you have an amazing support system behind you.

“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Tom’s voice brought you out of your thought.

“Just how lucky I am to have all of you. I’m starting to realize that I can’t do this on my own. I have built up so many walls around myself that I need to learn to break them down to let the people that I care about most back in.” You looked down at your feet, you didn’t want to see the reactions on their faces.

“We are all here for you Y/n. No matter what, we will help you in any way that we can.” He pulled you into him and kissed the side of your head.

Not being able to trust your voice, you just smiled. You leaned into Tom resting your head on his shoulder. It was getting late, and you guys have had a long day. Harrison could see that you were tired.

“Y/n I think it’s time to go. You look like you are about to pass out right here.” He let out a small chuckle.

“Okay.” you let out a yawn. “Goodnight guys.”

“Goodnight Y/n.” The boys said in unison.

“Goodnight Darling.” Tom gave you one last hug before letting you go with Harrison.

“Goodnight Tom.” You walked to the car with Harrison. Tom didn’t go back inside until your car was out of sight.

You started falling asleep on the drive back to your flat. After Harrison parked the car, he came around to get you out. You stopped him from trying to pick you up, you got out of the car and wrapped an arm around him for support. Once you had gotten into your flat you let go of him and turned to him.

“I have a surprise for you.” You gave him a sleepy smile.

“I’m sure it can wait until morning Y/n.” he chuckled.

“No, it can’t. Follow me.”

You turned and pointed down the hall. You dramatically walked like Gollum towards the spare room. This caused Harrison to double over in a laughing fit, but that also didn’t stop him from pulling out his phone to record you. You were currently using the spare room as an office, but you wanted Harrison to feel more at home. You also didn’t want him to have to sleep on the couch anymore while he is here. Once outside the door, you were still in a crouching stance. You reached up to the doorknob before looking up to him with a scrunched-up face.

“Are you ready Harrison?” You said in your best Gollum voice.

“Absolutely not, but I am loving this.” He gestured to all of you. “For someone who was dead tired less than a minute ago, you sure have a burst of energy.”

“Well, I am just excited.” You stood up and started talking normally. “I just wanted to do a little something for you. You have done so much for me, that I want to return the favor.”

“You didn’t have to do anything for me. You’re my sister I would do anything for you.”

“Exactly! I’m your sister and I would do anything for you too.” You moved back to the door and opened it. “Come on, go in.” You gestured for him to walk in.

Harrison hesitantly walked around you into the room. You had gotten him the full set up, a queen size bed, nightstands, dresser and a television. Even after he wasn’t staying with you anymore you would have a full guest room/ office.

“Oh my…” Harrison was speechless. “When did you…? How did you…?” He was walking around the room in awe.

“Well, it wasn’t easy I can tell you that much.” You said as you slightly sat on your desk. “I had to do it over a few days. Do you remember when you had to leave to help Tom with movie stuff for a few days?”

“Yeah, you did this when I left you?”

“I didn’t do most of it.” You lifted up your hand, it was almost fully healed now. “I had a lot of help, I did more of the decorating part. So, I hope you like it.”

“Like it? I love it.” He came over and hugged you. “I may never go back to mum’s.”

“Woah let’s not get too caried away here. As much as I love you, that’s going to be a firm no.”

“Oh, come on, you don’t want to live with your favorite brother?”

“Haz you are my only brother.”

“Then by default your favorite.” He had a big grin on his face.

“I am so not awake enough for this anymore.” You gave him a pat on the shoulder before heading towards the door. “Goodnight Haz.”

“Thank you for this Y/n. Goodnight.” You walked to your room for some much-needed sleep.

The next morning, you were up earlier than Harrison, so you decided to make breakfast for the both of you. You grabbed two plates and mugs, setting them on the island for when you were ready for them. You made a quick breakfast of bacon, eggs and hash browns before starting on making the tea. When you were almost done Harrison came out of his room, his hair was all over the place. You couldn’t help but smile.

“Wow… You look amazing.” You were trying to hold in your laughter.

“Well thank you.” He attempted to fix his hair but only made it worse. “That bed is amazing. It’s better than the one I have at home.”

“Well, I’m glad you like it.”

You put food onto the plates for the two of you. Then you handed him his cup of tea. You both sat down to eat. Harrison could tell there was something on your mind, just by the look on your face he knew.

“What do you have planned for today?”

“Umm… I was able to find a therapist. I figured that it’s time that I try to deal with things like an adult.” You were just pushing your food around at this point. You ate a fair amount but all of a sudden you weren’t hungry. “I umm... was wondering if you could maybe…”

“Go with you?” You didn’t look at him, just nodded. “Yes, I will go with you.”

“Really?” You finally looked over to him, with a shocked look in your face.

“Don’t act so surprised.” He gently pushed your arm. “I would do anything for you. You know that, right?

 You had decided that you should take the doctor’s advice and go to see a therapist. In all honesty you didn’t think it was going to help. You were going to give it a chance though. You had found one close enough to your flat that you could walk to, his name is Dr. Riley Cotter. Today was your first meeting with him, and you were nervous. You had initially asked Harrison to come with you instead of Tom because there are things in your past that you just needed to keep quiet, and right now you were kind of wishing you hadn’t asked Harrison to come.

You and Harrison were standing outside of his office. Your appointment was in a few minutes, but you couldn’t bring yourself to go inside.

“Are you okay?” Harrison noticed you shaking.

“I… I don’t know if I can do this.” You started rubbing your hands together, in an attempt to try and steady them.

“How about we sit here until you’re supposed to go in, then if you don’t think you can, we will go back home. Okay?”

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

The both of you sat down on a bench outside, Harrison wrapped his arm around you and pulled you close to him. You sat there for a few minutes before you heard the door to the building open. You looked up to see a man standing in the doorway. He looked over to you and Harrison with a smile.

“I’m guessing putting a bench in was a smart idea.”

“Yeah, sorry I just needed a few minutes to calm my nerves.” You said as you stood up, pulling on the sleeves of your jumper.

“That is completely fine. Take your time. I’m here when you’re ready.” He gave you a reassuring smile.

“I think I’m ready.” You looked to Harrison who stood up.

“Y/n.” You looked back up to the man. “For the first couple of sessions, I don’t allow my clients to bring other people in. I just want you to be able to talk freely. I want you to feel like you can say certain things and you can’t do that with someone else here.”

“Oh… Okay.”

Harrison gave you a look as to ask if you were okay. You just nodded your head and walked to the door where Dr. Cotter was standing. Once inside, the building had an open concept. It was wide open; it didn’t feel like what you thought a therapist’s office would feel or look like. It looked as if you were just walking into someone’s home. You were looking around for a while, just scoping out the place.

“Y/n?”

You looked over to where Dr. Cotter is standing. There were a few different places to sit. Over to the left side there was a large couch with a few matching chairs around a coffee table. Off to the right by a large window was a table with a couple of chairs.

“This doesn’t feel like a therapists office.” You gestured to your surroundings.

“I know. I wanted to make my office different. I get a lot of clients in here that absolutely hated the whole stereotypical, leather couch and single chair with a wall of books behind it. I do still have that, but I want my clients to feel like this is a safe place for them to come in and be themselves. I want them to be able to talk freely, and the environment plays a role in that. That’s why I have different areas. So, any place in particular you want to sit?” He stood there explaining with his hands behind his back but gestured with one hand when asking you were to sit.

“I guess the couch is fine.” No matter where you sat down, you were still going to be nervous.

“Okay, just let me grab a few things and we will get started. Would you like some tea or water?”

“Tea please.”

He walked over to a small kitchenette, putting a kettle on to boil. He grabbed out three cups, one of which was a to go cup. You were confused for a minute. He made the tea in the disposable cup first and walked outside, you guessed he gave it to Harrison. That made you smile; he was out there for a little while. Once he came back inside, he went into another room, coming back he had a couple of things in his hands. He came over to you and handed you a notebook, he set down his notepad and pen before going to get the tea.

“Thank you.” He handed you your tea and sat down in one of the chairs.

“You’re welcome.” He gave you a smile, then picked up his notepad. “So, let’s get started, shall we? I’m not going to pressure you into telling me anything. Like I said earlier this is supposed to be a safe space for you. When you are ready you can tell me as much or as little as you want. I will be writing down notes, one of the few things that will never change when it comes to therapy.”

“Okay. I… I don’t know where to start.” Once again you started shaking, you wrapped your arms around yourself to try and calm down.

“Let me just say this. You can quickly lose yourself because you’re silent about things. Everyone thinks that their world is crumbling around them, but when you talk to someone about what you’re going through that’s when you realize that you are not alone in this.”

“Well, if that’s the case. I lost myself a long time ago.” You took in a deep breath, before letting it all out. It was time to start getting things off of your chest. “I guess that happened when I thought that jumping into a relationship was the best thing I could do. Boy, was I wrong.” You let out a small chuckle.

“Why do you say that?” His brows furrowed together, in a curious fashion and not a critical way.

“Well, back then I was trying to run from my own feelings. I have been in love with a guy that I have known forever. I didn’t want to face my feelings for him. I ended up trying to get over him by dating the wrong guy. All though I didn’t know that at the time. He was so sweet to me in the beginning, I was an idiot to think that it was real. It was one of those too good to be true situations. I knew it was, but I stayed with him. After about a year, it was like a switch flipped in his brain. I didn’t know what I did but shit hit the fan.”

You needed to take a breath before you could keep talking about this. When you told Harrison and Tom “everything” it wasn’t exactly everything. You didn’t really want to face this right now. You just wanted to get up and leave. You may have also looked towards the windows and door for an escape. Dr. Cotter could see it too.

“Y/n, you don’t have to keep going. I can see the gears turning in your head. I can see that this is making you uncomfortable to the point that you are about to bolt out the door.” He leaned closer to you to look you directly in the eyes. “Therapy isn’t a sprint that you have to get done in one day. It is going to take you a long time to deal with any issue. Even the ones you think are small, they can bring up so many emotions for you. Let me ask you this. Have you tried explaining any of this to anyone that you are close too?”

“I did, but I didn’t tell them everything. Faking a smile is so much easier than explaining why I’m sad and broken.” You looked down at your hands before moving onto something else. “Nobody knows how depressed I truly am. Or how alone I really feel. It’s so hard being your own best friend when you secretly hate yourself more and more as the time passes.” Tears had formed in your eyes; you were trying to hold them back.

“Why do you think you are broken?”

“I don’t know how to explain the reason I feel this way, I just do. I know I have so many issues and problems that I have to deal with. My brain is so messed up from the shit I have gone through. I can tell you right now that I don’t think that you can help me, I feel like I’m too far gone.” You got up and started pacing. You raked your fingers through your hair. “I just hate feeling like this, I hate that I have put myself in a position where I can say or do one wrong thing and I’m on my own. I know that the people in my life say they will be there for me no matter what, but I have a hard time believing them.”

“No one is too far gone. We just have to help you to learn see that.” He just looked up at you for a second, just searching your eyes. “Not everyone in your life is going to leave you Y/n. You have to know that.”

“How am I supposed to believe that? If I were them, I would have left me a long time ago, and not turned back. The thing is I just need one person, to never give up on me. Just one.” You stopped to look at him, holding up one finger. “With the way I was going and still kind of am going, it’s only a matter of time before they see it too.”

“I can tell you that your brother Harrison.” He pointed towards the door. “He’s not going to leave you; he’s not going to give up on you. I know I only talked to him for a short amount of time, but he cares about you so much.”

You sat back down, putting your head into your hand. You were still trying to fight back the tears but so far you were fighting a losing battle.

“Here.” You looked up to see him holding a tissue out for you. “I think that you have done enough for today. Honestly, I didn’t think that you were going to tell me anything. Well not for a few sessions anyway.”

“I just need to start letting things out. I can’t keep them bottled up anymore.”

He picked up the notebook that he had handed to you earlier. “Here’s a good place to start then.”

“What is this for?” You took the notebook from him.

“That is for you. I would like you to write at least one thing a day. It could be a page, a paragraph, a sentence, a word, you could even draw a picture if you want. I just want you to do something. Most people don’t like expressing their feeling to others in the fear of getting hurt. You don’t have to show it to me if you don’t want to, but I would like you to at least try.”

“I will, and I’m sorry I was all over the place. It all kind of came out so fast.”

“Don’t apologize, I was able to keep up with you. I can tell that there is a lot of things that you need to get out, you just don’t know how. That’s why I am here to help you, and that’s another reason I give people these notebooks.”

You just smiled at him. Then the both of you just walked to the door. When you walked out Harrison was on the phone, but as soon as he saw you, he hung up.

“Hey, is everything okay?” He saw the redness in your eyes, and instantly pulled you into a hug.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

He pulled back slightly, looking at you. You brought your hand up to wipe the few tears that had fallen out when Harrison hugged you. He took one hand off of you and waved to the Doctor, you did the same. As you walked back home, the both of you held onto the other. You needed this sense of comfort right now.

You walked in silence; you didn’t want to talk after that. You could tell Harrison had something on his mind though. Just by the way he kept looking at you. Once you finally got inside your flat you asked him about it.

“Harrison?” You leaned with your hands braced on the back of the couch.

“Yeah.” He looked over too you.

“What’s wrong?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Haz, I have known you your entire life, I know all your little quirks. So, what’s going on?” You crossed your arms and just looked at him.

“While you were in with your therapist, I got a call from Tom.” He was avoiding eye contact, so it wasn’t a simple phone call.

“And?”

“He has to go to New York for a week or so to do reshoots, and he was wondering if I could go. He also doesn’t want to leave you alone. I don’t want to leave you here either.”

“Haz I will be fine without you for a week or even two. I think its time for me to start taking charge of my life again. I am doing better. Go with him to New York, I will be fine.” You gave him a smile, a fake smile but a smile none the less.

“Are you sure? I can tell him you’re not ready.” You quickly cut him off.

“Harrison, if you don’t go, I will personally kick your ass all the way to New York myself.” You pulled out your phone and dialed Tom’s number.

“What are you doing?” You held up a finger to Harrison and mouthed “I’m on the phone” before turning away.

“Hello Darling.”

“Hello Thomas.”

“Oh no, what did I do?” You could hear a hint of fear in his voice.

“You haven’t done anything, but what you are going to do is make sure Harrison gets on the plane to New York with you.”

There was a moment of silence between the two of you, while you waited for his response.

“Are you sure love? I can ask Harry or Sam to come with me.”

“I’m fine, plus this week will be my first week back to work. So, I won’t even be here ninety percent of the time. I don’t need a babysitter; I have gotten better. if you feel so inclined to have someone here with me, you could always bring me Tessa.” You had a real smile on your face now. You absolutely Love her.

“Alright. I will let Tessa watch over you.” You let out a squeal and did a small happy dance. “You have to promise me that you will let me know if something happens, or if you need me or Harrison to come back.”

“I promise but like I said I will be fine. I talk about Tessa all the time, everyone at the studio wants to meet her. Which means she won’t be stuck here; she will be with me all day. Plus having Tessa with me will make my week a lot brighter.”

“I know, you love her. I think she loves you more than she loves me though…” He paused for a few seconds. “Maybe its not a good idea for her to spend a week with you…”

“Thomas Stanley Holland! Don’t you dare!”

“I have no idea what you’re implying.”

“Don’t you dare dangle Tessa cuddles in front of me just to take them away.”

“I would never do that to you.”

“Umhm. When do you guys leave?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“Oh wow, that’s so soon. Maybe you guys should just come over and stay the night here and I can take you to the airport tomorrow.”

“That sounds like a good idea. I will be over there later. I still need to pack for myself and for Tessa.”

“Okay, I will see you later.”

“See you later Darling.”

You hang up the call. You look to Harrison with a smile on your face.

“Go pack for your trip Haz.”

“Yeah yeah.” He just waved you off as he walked to his room to pack.

A few hours later, Harrison is on the couch watching tv, while you are in the kitchen making dinner. You were making a quick caprese chicken in pasta, I was one of the many meals you learned while you were in the states. One of your friends was obsessed with food and cooking, so you asked him to show you some good recipes, which he gladly did. You had pulled out three plates just in case Tom hasn’t eaten by the time he gets there. You were just about done when you heard the knock on the door.

“Harrison, will you get the door please?”

“On it.” He got up quickly and went to the door.

The next thing you hear was the little nail taps on your hardwood floors. You knew it was Tessa. Which means any second you would hear Tom next.

“Hello Love.” He said as he came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist.

“Well hello to you too.” You were trying to focus on finishing dinner, but Tom wouldn’t let go. “Tooom, I need you to let go. I’m trying to get this done.”

“No.” You could hear the pout in his voice. “I’m not going to be able to do this for a week, I have to do it as much as I can.”

You turned around in his arms. “I promise if you let go, I will let you be as clingy as you want. I’m almost done.”

“Ugh… Fine.” He let go of you.

You turned back a round to finish. You moved the pan off the stove and started plating the food. Tom came in to help you take the plates to the table. You grabbed two beers and a bottled water, taking them to the table. You gave the boys the beers and kept the water. You were really trying to not drink as much. So far you have been successful.

After dinner you guys decided to watch a movie. You were slightly sitting/laying in the corner with your legs up on the couch, but as promised Tom was laying down with you. His head was on your chest, his arms wrapped around you. You were playing with his hair, making him slowly start to fall asleep. Harrison was sitting on the love seat with Tessa cuddled up next to him. You couldn’t help but smile, everything was perfect.

Once the movie was over Harrison got up to go to bed. You both said goodnight, Tessa came over to you, putting her face on the couch and looked up at you. You knew it was time for her to have a potty break, but when you tried to get up Tom’s grip tightened.

“Tom, I need to get up.”

“No. Too comfortable.” He mumbled.

“Tessa needs to go out, then we can go to bed.”

“Okay.” He laid there for a few more seconds before getting up. He looks so tired.

“Tom, go lay down. I can take her out really quick.”

“Are you sure? I can come.” His eyes were still closed, while he was talking to you.

“I’m sure. Go to bed, I will be there soon.” You gave him a quick peck on the cheek before taking Tessa out.

When you came back in, you made sure Tessa had plenty of food and water out. Then the two of you made your way to your room, leaving the door open enough for her to come and go. You looked over to see that Tom had already passed out.

You looked to your desk to see the notebook for Dr. Cotter. You walked over and finally sat down to write in it, but you didn’t know what to write. You just sat there for a while staring at the blank page. When your pen finally moved, it was like as if someone else was controlling it.

I don’t know what to write in here. I know I should write my feelings but the feelings I am having right now, I know they are temporary.

I am happy that I have my brother, my boyfriend and my Tessa here. Tomorrow will be here soon to ruin it. Harrison and Tom will leave for New York. I will still have Tess, but I just feel like something is going to happen. I don’t know what it is, but I just have this pit in my stomach.

That’s just my life at this point though. The feeling of something is going to happen, just not knowing when. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world, but I don’t know how to stop it. That scares me so much.

You got up closing the notebook and turning to your bed. Tessa had already made herself at home on it, walking over you gave her a few head scratches. You got in and moved close to Tom, you gave him a kiss on the forehead. His arms instantly tried to find your waist, pulling you as close as he possibly could, eventually you were laying on his chest. You don’t know how long it took you to fall asleep, but the sound of Tom’s heartbeat was lulling you to sleep.

Series Tags: Open 

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[what-is-your-plan-today]

CSI: Rogers and Barnes- The Serious Cereal Serial Killer

Episode 5- Defrosting

Co written with @icanfeelastormbrewing

Episode Summary: So nothing like the possibly one time love of your life being hurt to make you realise that actually, you might just care a little bit… Episode Warnings: Bad Language words.

Episode Pairings:  Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark (The Ice Queen is thawing…)

Song for Episode:  For What It’s Worth by Liam Gallagher

A/N: This entire series contains dark humour (CSI + Brooklyn 99=CSI Steeb) Avengers and Stark Spangled Banner Easter Eggs and jokes. You don’t need to have read the SSB series to understand or enjoy this, but we’ve used the Universe to spin this off from so somethings might puzzle a few of you if you ain’t, but feel free to ask.

Also, our knowledge of American Policing and Brooklyn is limited, so bear with us if we slip up, but at the end of the day this is a fiction so we’ll claim any mistakes as creative license!!

As always we live for re-blogs and comments  

CSI Rogers and Barnes Master List 

Main Masterlist 

“I’m so sorry for your loss…” Bucky bowed his head as he stood next to Steve’s mom.

She dropped her eyes to the floor taking a deep breath.

“I’m alive, jerk.” Steve shot back from where he lay on the hospital bed.

“I was talking about the car, punk.” Bucky shrugged “Or the beard. Man you look like 12 years old without it.” “Not like I had a choice.” Steve grimaced pointing to the line of stitches in the corner of his mouth “And is my car really totalled?” Bucky grimaced and nodded “Fraid it looks that way.” “Shit.”

“Language.” Sarah looked at her son. “Steve, it’s just a heap of metal…”

“No, no bad move, he loved that metal.” Bucky shook his head.

“He should be grateful he is getting away wit cuts and bruising.” Sarah narrowed her eyes “Could have been a hell of a lot worse, he’s been in an out of consciousness for almost 5 hours! I mean what was that idiot doing running the light?”

“It happens Ma.” Steve said gently “He’ll get dealt with.” He rubbed his shoulder which felt a little stiff and then looked up as the Doctor that had been looking after him returned.

“Ok Mr Rogers…your recent scan results show there’s nothing going on with your brain…” Bucky sniggered and Sarah slapped him around the back of the head. “Owww.” he said, reaching up to rub at his hair.

“So if you have someone at home with you, I’m happy you can be discharged.”

“I’ll keep an eye on him for the rest of the evening” Bucky nodded. The Doctor smiled and set about sorting out the forms and in a little while they were making their way, albeit slowly, out of the hospital.

Steve was grateful to his ma and Bucky for getting him home. Once his mother had stopped fussing as much as she could do she finally left with the promise of returning in a few hours and Steve went straight to his bed after popping a few painkillers. He was lucky, it was bruising more than anything, and a few stitches to his face where the glass from the car windows had cut him but all in all nothing too drastic.

He couldn’t help but think back to the last time he’d been injured enough to land him in hospital. They’d been on a drugs bust down town and had gotten separated, and thanks to a catastrophic coms failure he had been ambushed by 6 of the gang at once. He’d managed to get the upper hand at one point until someone had crashed him straight round the back of the head with a piece of wood. Thankfully, it hadn’t been too serious and Katie, Natasha and Clint had stormed in a few seconds later and it was all locked down. Katie had been by his side in the hospital for hours until Peggy had turned up and dismissed her, rather curtly actually. Katie had bitten her tongue and simply left with no fuss, and he and Peggy had ended up having a huge argument.

“I’m your girlfriend, Steven, not her.” Peggy crossed her arms and glared at him as she sat in the chair. “It’s ridiculous how much she hangs around you.” “Peggy, for god’s sake.” he groaned “She came in the ambulance with me!”

“Why not Clint, or Natasha?”

“Oh, you know what, I don’t want to do this now. My head hurts and, well, frankly I’m sick of having the same discussion. She’s my best friend.” “She wants to be more than your friend Steve.” Peggy sighed “Ever since her and Ward split she’s been hanging around like a bad smell.” “She needs support.” Steve shook his head

“She has a brother and god knows how many friends.” Peggy shook her head “But you were the one she called to help her kick Grant out, you changed all her locks…”

“Peg, she’s hurting, and I’m not gonna turn my back on her. She wouldn’t do it to me.” “Bet she can’t wait to get me out of the way.” Peggy sniffed, pursing her lips. “Soon as I’m off to London you mark my words…” “Oh stop being ridiculous.” Steve closed his eyes “Katie wouldn’t do that. And I wouldn’t do it to you either, you know that.” Oh the irony. In the end it had been Peggy that had done it to him. She’d departed to London for the 6 month placement, and they’d both agreed to stay together, what was 6 months after all when you wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone and they wanted to spend the rest of theirs with you?  

Or you thought they did. Less than a month later he had received the message, telling him that it wasn’t working, that she thought he was a burden and a tie to a life she wasn’t sure she wanted anymore. He’d tried calling, even debated getting a flight over to speak to her face to face but she’d point blank refused to even consider it, telling him if he turned up she wouldn’t see him.

So it had ended and he and Katie had navigated their heartbreak together. In bars, taking weekend trips upstate, hiking…anything that took their mind off things. And he dare say now, in hindsight, that it had brought them even closer. He understood now that he and Peggy were never going to make it. They were too different. Peggy was practical, realistic, stoic in every area of her life whereas Steve, whilst all those things when he needed to be, also had a softer side, showed his emotions, wore his heart on his sleeve.

Like Katie.

Breaking up with Peggy at the time had killed Steve, but now he realised that it was for the best. But he also knew that it had really tainted his views of relationships in general, even almost a year or so down the line. And the only person he had been close to since he had pushed away.

With a groan he lay back on his pillow and closed his eyes, thankfully the codeine did its job and he slipped into a dreamless, painless sleep.

****

“Guys…” Bucky said loudly over the chatter in the briefing room. Everyone turned their attention to the front and he noticed a few puzzled glances. It wasn’t unusual for a Sergeant to take the mid-morning briefing in any other Precinct, but it was unusual in the 101. Steve liked to see his troops in the morning, he felt it was only fair. “Captain Rogers won’t be in today, and probably not for a little while. He was involved in a car accident last night and…” “An accident?” Wanda spluttered out. “Is he ok?”

“He’s fine. The car that hit his wasn’t travelling that fast it just unfortunately hit the driver’s side. They checked him over at the hospital and decided he was good to go home late last night, or earlier this morning even. Few cuts and bruises, no doubt some injured pride and his car most certainly isn’t ok but…he’s good, just needs to rest.” He couldn’t help but glance at Katie who was looking down at the table as she bit at her thumbnail. Her brow was furrowed and he could see in her face she was concerned but trying not to show it. Bucky didn’t say anything, simply carved up the duties. Whilst the murder investigation was taking most of the resource, there were still the other crimes to cope with and as such he ended up sending Clintasha to go and speak to the victim of a mugging. But for him and Stark, the morning was slow, real slow. She had already called through to Peralta and arranged for them both to head over there the next morning once he had been able to pull the files from the archive but until they didn’t have much else to go on.

“I just hope looking at the old case throws something up.” Katie said, looking at him “Because if not, we’re dead in the water. No leads, nothing…”

“Let’s worry about that tomorrow.” Bucky said. “Look, why don’t you finish for the day? There’s really nothing we can do now.”

“I just got a few bits to tidy up and then I might do, thanks.” she looked back at her screen.

Bucky kept one eye on her as he continued clearing the admin from his inbox, and he could see that she was grappling with something.

“Have you errr…spoken to Captain Rogers?” she asked a few minutes later. Smiling to himself, Bucky looked up.

“Careful, Stark!” Bucky smiled “You almost sound like you care.”

She scowled, “I’m not a completely heartless bitch.”

“I never said you were…”

“Just because I hate him doesn’t mean I want him hurt…”

At that, Bucky almost fist pumped the air when he realised that actually this could work in Steve’s favour somewhat.

“You don’t hate him.” he said, matter of factly, looking at Katie. “You hate what he did, but you don’t hate him. And that’s what you find so hard to take about this entire situation.”

She paused, open mouthed for a moment, before she snapped her jaw shut and folded her arms, glaring at him. “What are you my therapist now?”

“No, just someone who the pair of you are starting to really piss off…” he sighed and ran a hand dramatically through his hair “Did you ever stop to consider exactly why Steve did what he did?” “Because he’s an ass hole.” Katie said, “He got what he wanted and then…”

“You and I both know that’s bullshit doll face.” Bucky said “He’s never been one for one night stands. Had a few at Uni but, well, frankly he always told me he hated it, but that’s not the point…the point is he cared about you…”

“Funny way of showing it…” “…and he did what he did because he thought, in his stupid pea brain, that it was for the best.” “The best?” Katie snorted “he thought bailing on me, and ghosting me was for the best?” “If you two had made a go of things, one of you would have had to move, and it would most likely have been you because Captain vacancies are harder to find…” “Yeah, I kinda figured that we’d have to do something about the chain of command, but, for fucks sake, I was contemplating going to DC…we could have sorted this, made it work!”

“I get it, I do…but this is Steve we’re talking about!” Bucky chuckled with affection, he was a dumbass but he was still his best friend. “The guy is an idiot when it comes to women and very rarely lets his heart rule his head…but with you he did. And that shows me just how much you mean to him.”

Katie looked down at her hands, her fingers were twisting around one another. After a little while she looked up and shook her head “That doesn’t make what he did ok.” “No, and I’m not trying to make excuses for him.” Bucky said gently “Just trying to give you the explanation you’re not allowing him to give to you himself.”

Katie turned away from him and wiped at her eyes. Bucky was tactful enough to look away whilst she composed herself.

“If you wanna go and check in on him I know he’d appreciate it.” he said, sowing the seeds of the idea in her mind. “Just think about it.”

She shrugged, but there was a definite softer expression on her face as she turned back to her computer.

About half an hour later Bucky came back from the bathroom to find her gone. Tacked to his monitor was a post-it note.

“Thought about it…thanks Buck.” “Don’t blow it Punk…” he mumbled to himself as he re-read the note before scrunching it up and throwing it in the bin, a huge smile playing on his face as he laced his fingers behind his head, swinging his feet up onto his desk.

“What you looking so smug about?” Natasha asked and he looked over to see he was being watched by her and Clint.

“Well…” he said, leaning back in his chair “Seems that the stupid Punk getting t-boned made Katie realise that she actually still cares about him. So Phase 1 of ‘Operation Cap’n Crunch and Special K” is officially underway. Time to prepare Phase 2 Romanoff.”

“Wait, Phase 1 was getting someone to T-bone him?” Natasha looked at Bucky, her mouth open.

“What?” Bucky frowned as Barton looked at him.

“That’s just sick man…” Clint pointed at him before he frowned and looked at Nat “hang on, what plan?” “Oh after I spoke to her yesterday, I talked to Serge and we decided that we’re fed up of the pair of them moping around and pretend hating each other, when they’re both blatantly still head over heels despite their protestations to the contrary.” Nat shrugged “So we came up with a 3 step plan, of which the first phase, I thought, was simply making them talk…”

“Yeah, and I was gonna lock them in a cupboard or his office until they agreed to do so but hey, I’m all for grabbing the moment, right? This worked a treat” Bucky said, grinning at them both.

“So what’s Phase 2?” Clint asked. Natasha arched an eyebrow and grinned at him.

“Wait and see Barton, wait and see.”

Clint blinked, looked at Natasha who now had a devilish grin spreading across her face an then back to Bucky who was smirking into his coffee cup.

“Man I love you guys!” Clint said with a small laugh as he leaned back in his chair.  

***** “Ma for the last time stop fussing…” Steve looked at his mom as she set a mug of coffee down on the table in front of him.

“I’m your mother, Steven…” she looked at him. “It’s my job to fuss. Now, what do you fancy for dinner?” He was just about to tell her he was capable of dialling a pizza when he heard the key in the lock and glanced at his watch, frowning. It was early for Bucky to be home.

“Buck?” he questioned. But the reply wasn’t what he was expecting, or who he was expecting for that matter.

“No, it’s errr, me.”

Steve looked at his mother whose face had lit up at the sound of Katie’s voice and he pushed himself up of the sofa, hissing a the bite of pain in his side and turned to see her stepping nervously into the living room.

“How did…” he asked and she looked at him, sheepishly, holding up her keys.

“Never did give it you back.” she said softly. He watched as her eyes travelled over the bruising and cuts on his face and her brow furrowed somewhat as she swallowed thickly and continued “Thought you might have changed the locks, you know like you did for me when I threw Grant out.” “Not really the same thing.” he said with a soft smile. “But I’m surprised you kept it.” “It was on my keyring.” she said, shrugging “I kinda forgot about it, should have mailed it to you or something…” Steve could tell that wasn’t the truth. There’s no way she would have forgotten about it, but he didn’t pick her up on her white lie. The fact she had kept it made him slightly hopeful she wasn’t quite as ready to give up on him as she made out.

“Hi Sarah…” she said in a small voice, her gaze turning to his ma.

“Oh my little star…” Sarah hurried over to give her a warm hug before she held her at arms length “Let me look at you…I love the hair!” “It’s grown a little.” Katie smiled, running her hand through her hair, the longer side was now an inch or so below her chin.

“How have you been?” Sarah pressed.

“Oh, you know…” she shrugged “Ok.”

Sarah smiled at her and then over at Steve before she nodded. “Well I was just about to head out to the store to pick something up for tonight.” “Ma, I told you…” “And I told you to shut up.” She shot him a look “Does carbonara suit?”

Steve sighed “Yeah, that’s great…” “Ok, so, I’ll be back in a little while…” she said, rushing for her purse.

“Hang on I’ll get my wallet…” Steve made to move and she shook her head

“I don’t want or need your money.” she said sternly. Again he rolled his eyes and noticed a smile on Katie’s face.

His ma made to hug her again “If you’re not here when I get back, you best stop by some time…oh, did he give you your pie the other night?”

“He did and it was amazing as always!” Katie smiled, giving her another hug “And I will, I promise.” With that his mom left them alone, and once the door was shut Katie turned back to him and looked him up and down as she raised an eyebrow “You look like you got in a fight with a bus.” “Not quite, it was a chevvy Blazer.” he said, chuckling slightly at her joke.

“How are you feeling?” “I’m ok, just a bit sore. Be fine in a few days.” She nodded “Ok, well, that’s all I wanted to check…when Bucky said you’d been hurt I just…” she trailed off, taking a deep breath before she sighed, “God why is this so awkward?”

Steve gave her a soft smile “Because I fucked it up?” She gave a soft huff of a laugh.

“Do you want a drink?” he offered “Ma just made a fresh pot of coffee so…” “I err, I don’t…” she looked at her watch, biting her lip. Steve could tell she was searching for a reason to say no so he decided to put her out of her misery.

“It’s fine, honestly.” he said, “You don’t have to make excuses not to stay. I appreciate you popping in.” She licked her lips and looked at him, her green eyes searching his before she smiled softly “Coffee’s great, you stay where you are. I’ll get it.”

“Everything’s in the same place…” he said softly and she nodded. But she didn’t move straight away. Instead he noticed her eyes flickering to the space by the TV where the photo of the two of them used to be.

“It’s in the bedroom.” he said. She looked at him, blushing slightly that she’d been caught but didn’t try and deny what she’d been thinking.

“I’m not gonna lie, my copy is in a drawer.” she replied quietly “I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away but…” She swallowed and headed into the kitchen. He slowly sat back down and he heard her clinking about before she emerged with a mug. She placed it on the coffee table, removing her keys and phone from her pocket before she tossed those just to the left of her mug and took a seat on the sofa, picking up her drink and cradling it in both hands, the way she always did when she was seeking comfort.

“Has the station fallen to pieces yet?” Steve asked and she snorted.

“Not quite.” she smiled “To be honest it’s a bit slow. Oh, erm, I’m going to see Peralta tomorrow with Bucky, dig through the files on the old rape case. I know it’s just a hunch but something feels off.” “Well your instincts have never failed you before.” Steve smiled gently.

She smiled and shrugged “Who knows?” “Stop it.” Steve said.

“Stop what?” She frowned

“Doubting yourself.”

“I’m not.” “Yes you are I can tell. You always do it.” “No I don’t.” Steve chuckled and then winced at the pain in his side “Yes you do. And you’ve no reason to. You’re a damned good detective.”

She took a sip from her drink and looked down before she opened her mouth as if to say something but then closed it. She took a deep breath and swallowed, her eyes remaining on the floor.

“Use your words Doll.” he said, softly.

“I don’t want another argument.” she said quietly. “It doesn’t matter…” “Katie.”  he urged, his voice almost stern.

“I just… “ she licked her lips “I was just thinking that, well, I can’t remember the last time we did this, you know, drank coffee in your lounge.” “I can tell you exactly when it was.” he said “It was the morning of the Christmas party. About 12 hours before I sent everything sideways.”

She looked at him, before she looked away and Steve felt a pang in his chest that was totally unrelated to his accident. He yearned for her, longed for the way things used to be before he’d fucked it all up.

“I never thought you would be the man that I cried myself to sleep over.” she said so quietly he almost missed it.

As she placed the mug back on the coffee table Steve took a shaky breath “It wasn’t easy for me either you know?” he looked at her, blinking back his own tears “I hurt too.” “Yes but you did it to yourself Steve!” she said, running her hands over her face

“You think I don’t know that?” he said, his voice a little louder “If I could change it, go back and do it differently I would but I can’t…”

“Bucky told me why you did it, that it was your stupid idea of being noble.” she cut him off, her voice soft as she shook her head “Frankly I’ve never heard anything as ridiculous in my life…all that stuff and panic about getting involved in someone in your chain of command…Steve, I had had feelings for you for a long time before that, do you think for one second that I never considered what it would mean? Fuck, I’d just told you I was considering the DC move, I’d have been well out of your chain then!”

“I should have talked to you, I get that…I do” he pressed “I was an idiot and I panicked and then I didn’t want anything to stop you moving or getting in your way and tying you back here..”

“You thought I’d do a Peggy?” she looked at him, frowning, as if she was understanding something for the first time, which in fairness she probably was. “That I’d move and things would end”

He didn’t reply, he knew that one look in his eyes would be enough to tell her. She always knew.

“Steve, what Peggy did was cruel. The way she left and then ended it, calling you a burden and a tie she didn’t need…I’d never have done that.”

“I know.” he said softly “I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, you weren’t.” She shook her head before she spoke again, her voice cracking slightly. “You know what the worst thing about all this is?”

One look at her was enough to tell him she was struggling to keep herself controlled, he could see from the way her chest was heaving and she was stuttering for words.

“I can’t hate you.” she shrugged “No matter how much I try, and believe me I tried, I just can’t. I wanted so hard not to care when Bucky told me you’d been hurt, but all I could think about was making sure you were ok.”

She stopped for a moment and took a deep breath as her tears began to fall. She looked up and he saw her before him, as utterly broken as he had ever seen her. Her face crumpled and she stuttered to him. “I miss you. I miss my best friend.” With that he felt a tear slide out of his own eye and he moved from his chair onto the sofa besides her, pulling her to him, ignoring the aches and pains in his battered body. She didn’t shy away, instead she pressed her face into his chest, her arms linking round his waist at the back as his hands gently slid up and down her back, soothing her as he had done so many times before.

“I’m sorry.” he managed to stutter “I really am…I never wanted to hurt you sweetheart, I swear…”

He pulled her tighter to him and then instantly winced as the pain in his ribs. She pulled back straight away and looked at him.

“Steve…”

He felt a little light headed then, and it must have shown as she frowned a little.

“Hey, you look really pale.” she said, concern etched across her pretty face “Don’t pass out on me…” “I’m fine, honestly…” he protested. “When was the last time you ate?”

“I errr…” he shrugged, scrunching his eyes shut. “Yesterday, some point. Mac and Cheese.” “You made Mac and Cheese?” she said as a twitch in the corner of her mouth grew into a small smile. “Sorta, well, opened the box…”

“Mac and cheese, from a box.” the smile went and she looked horrified “Steven that is disgusting. I showed you like a million times how to make it properly.” “Yeah well it never comes out as well as yours so…” he blinked again and took a deep breath. No, he definitely felt dizzy.

“You need to lie down.” she said, standing up.

“I’m fine…” he protested, but she wasn’t fooled. She never was fooled by his bullshit. “Stop being a stubborn asshole and do as you’re told.” she said sternly as she grabbed a throw cushion and positioned it against the arm of the sofa. “Go on.” she patted it gently and he slowly moved himself backwards, laying his head where she told him.

“Just need to close my eyes for a moment…” he muttered, and he did.

************

Steve blinked and stirred a bit. He was tired and his ribcage ached. He opened one of his eyes and saw Katie sitting on the armchair beside the couch, her shoes discarded and her legs tucked underneath her as she was reading something on her phone. A warm feeling filled his chest and he closed his eye and smiled at the thought that she was still there, looking after him, keeping him company even though he was sure she’d rather be anywhere else. She had said earlier she had missed him, she had missed her best friend. If only they could go back to the way they were. He was snapped from his thoughts by the sound of keys in the door before it opened, shut and his mother’s shoes tapped down the hallway.

“Shhhh” he heard and opened one eye again, ever so slightly, to see Katie moving her right index finger to her lips and pointing her head at him, where he lay on the couch holding onto a yellow cushion for dear life.

“Is he asleep?” Sarah asked in a hushed voice.

“Apparently” Katie answered, and he didn’t miss the fond look she shot his way. “He was feeling dizzy and I forced him to lie down and rest. I didn’t want to leave him alone so I thought I’d wait for you or Bucky to come back.” she added as if trying to excuse herself for being there.

“Good. Thanks for looking after him.” the old woman smiled at her fondly. And then Steve decided he should make them aware he was awake.

“I wasn’t dizzy.” Steve suddenly said with a hoarse voice.  He rubbed his eyes and tried to sit up so fast all his body was in pain and he grimaced again.

“Steven!” Sarah scolded him. “Be careful, love. Have you taken your painkillers?”

“Yes ma.” he answered. “Took them before you left.”

She nodded and smiled at her son and then turned to Katie “And you, my dear, are having Carbonara with us this evening?”

"Sarah, I don’t want….” Katie started but Sarah cut her off.

“I wasn’t asking Star.” she said “It’s the least I can do after you looked after this mad driver I have for a son. Besides, you’re helping me fix it, we have a lot to catch up on.”

“Wait Ma! I’ll help you with those” Steve said as his mother turned to head for the kitchen, taking a shopping bag in each hand.

“No. Stay put. I’m perfectly able to do it myself, Stevie. You rest until dinner’s ready.” she refused her son’s offer.    

Katie stood up and sighed. “I’ll better go help her.” she said before smiling at him and ruffling the hair on the top of his head softly, and God that was a balm to his soul. Such a familiar action she had done so many times before, but yet never had it felt so significant as it did then. The ghost of a grin threatened to spread on his face at her show of affection but it was quickly turned into a grimace as she tugged on the longer locks at the top of his head.

“Ouch!” he exclaimed and Katie, who was heading for the kitchen turned to look at him and grinned.

“Serves you well for letting them shave you.”      

“I was kind of unconscious so I didn’t have much of a choice” he looked at her “And besides, they had to stitch my lip.” he shrugged innocently.

“Whatever.” she said over her shoulder walking towards the kitchen.

Steve leant against the back of the sofa, closed his eyes and let out a contented sigh. Was it him or was the ice queen beginning to thaw?

He must have dozed off again, but that stupid grin was clearly on his face as he was jerked back to the here and now by another voice about 15 minutes later.

“Are you high?” he heard Bucky ask him. Steve opened his eyes to see a smug smile on his friend’s face who was examining the packet of painkillers the doctors had prescribed him.    

“Jerk.”

“I love you too, honey.” Bucky grinned at him and frowned when he heard the two female laughs coming from the kitchen.

“Is that…?” Bucky asked squinting his eyes at Steve and he nodded.

“She came by this afternoon. Ma invited her for dinner.” he said.

“Well, this is getting interesting.” Bucky smirked, tossing the packet of painkillers down onto the table “Very interesting indeed.”

Steve didn’t miss the cunning smile on his friend’s face as he turned and headed for the kitchen.

“Buck.” Steve warned him, but Bucky was already gone. He came back a few minutes later drinking a beer and sat sprawled on the armchair beside the couch and Steve cast a longing look at the bottle.

“Don’t even think of it.” he said mocking Steve’s captain voice “You’re not allowed to drink a single drop of alcohol on those things.”

Steve groaned took the TV remote and started channel-hopping until he found a film that caught his attention.

“Why does Superman wear a cape? I don’t get it. What’s with making superheroes look like idiots with those spangly tight outfits?” Bucky began to rant but Steve ignored him.

Bucky side eyed him for a moment, before he smirked to himself. “Sooo. I guess you and your girl are on better terms now, seeing as she still hasn’t torn your head off.”

“She’s not…”

“Your girl. Hmmm, yet you wanted to punch me in the face for buying her lunch.” Bucky finished for him. “You’re smiling, just saying pal.” he added pointing at him with his beer bottle before turning to the TV screen again. But as he gave Steve another side glance, he could see the blonde was smiling again.

Twenty minutes later Katie emerged from the kitchen cleaning her hands with a tea towel.

“Dinner will be ready in five, so move your asses and help me lay the table.” she said standing in front of the TV screen, hands on the buckle of her belt.

“Yes, Mrs. Captain.” Bucky sat up mocking a salute.

Kate shot him a glare and both turned to watch as Steve was struggling to stand up from the couch with a pained expression to no avail.

“Here, hold on to us.” Bucky offered reaching one of his arms out for Steve to hold at the same time Katie approached the coach and offered hers. But they couldn’t lift his weight.

“Come on, man. Are you on our team?” Bucky asked between gritted teeth.

“Just represent. Pull!” Steve bit back.  And with that they were able to lift the Captain’s weight and haul him upright.

“Are you ok? Are you still dizzy?” Katie asked Steve while she rubbed his arm.

“I’m fine, doll. Thanks.”

Bucky flinched waiting for Katie’s outburst at the pet name, but when nothing came he just raised an eyebrow at the pair but they were too busy looking at one another to notice him. He just smiled, shaking his head. He had to remember to text Romanoff later.

“Ok, pal. Lean on me, I’ll walk you to the dining room.” Bucky said ducking under Steve’s armpit and putting his friend arm over his shoulder while holding his waist with his free hand. “We are your sidekicks after all.”

“Yeah, just like Mulder and Scully you two.” Steve scoffed.

“Thought it was Cagney and Lacey?” Katie, who was walking ahead of them, turned to quip.

Soon after the table was ready and Sarah had finished fixing a salad to go with the Carbonara. She passed the bowl to Katie who placed it at the centre of the table and all four sat to enjoy the food. But as Bucky was about to take a breadstick Sarah slapped his hand.

“What’s with people slapping my hands?” Bucky protested

“Have you washed your hands, young man?” Sarah asked.  "God only knows where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing.”

“Or who.” Katie muttered under his breath and shared a smile with Steve who was sitting opposite her. He grinned back.

“Yes, I did ma'am.” Bucky answered, taking the breadstick from the bread basket and biting it unceremoniously.

“Are you going to tell us where you’ve been all day?” Steve asked looking at him while he helped himself to some salad.

“Playing Captain Dickhead.” he quipped.

Sarah, who had just stood up to go find a pitcher of water, smacked him on the back of his head.

“Language!” the old lady said and Katie couldn’t help but snigger.

“Ouch!” Bucky dropped the fork on the plate and rubbed the back of his head as he looked at Steve “Doing your job, buddy. Which I must say I did beautifully.” he added with a smug smile.

“Well, he didn’t burn the station down.” Katie shrugged.

“Chasing the bad guys. Looking after your herd.” Bucky continued.

“We’re not goats.” Katie scoffed.

“That is debatable, honey.” Bucky said pointing at her with his fork and Steve smiled at the bickering between the two. “And I met a friend later.” he added casually.

“Oh, anyone nice?” Sarah asked excitedly as she returned with the water.

“Don’t encourage him Ma.” Steve shook his head.

“You could say that.” he looked at Sarah smiling before adding “Name’s Sammy, we’re not a thing yet.”

Steve saw Katie stop eating and try to catch Bucky’s eye but he was avoiding her purposefully. After a second or two she gave in and stood up.

“I’ll fetch the Carbonara, pass me your plates.” she said holding out her hand at Bucky and looking at him intently. He shot her another passive look, but there was a faint tinge of red in his cheeks and as Steve watched Katie smirked, knowingly, before she collected the other plates.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” Sarah said to Katie as she headed to the kitchen. “And James, make sure you treat your dame right.” he said looking at him before raising an eyebrow at her son.

“Will do.” Bucky said looking at the woman at the same time he reached for his water glass.

“You’re not a thing? Yet?” Steve asked Bucky leaning an arm on the back of the chair to look at him directly.

“Nope.” he replied, not wanting to go into many details.

“But you could be?”

Bucky shrugged.

“What are you waiting for?” Katie asked placing a pasta plate in front of Sarah.

“Just leave him alone.” Sarah said patting Katie’s hand. Katie shrugged and dropped another plate in front of Bucky before returning for her and Steve’s.

“Thifif delishos” Bucky grunted with his mouth full of food.

“Thank you, I guess. Did you mean the food was delicious?” Sarah laughed and Bucky nodded.

“It is good, thanks.” Steve said, nodding appreciatively.

“It should be after feeding on mac and cheese from a box. Did you know that?” Katie asked Sarah, who nodded resigned and shook her head.

“What’s wrong with box mac and cheese?” Bucky looked up.

“What’s wrong with it? It’s disgusting!” Katie said, affronted.

“Katie cooks the best Mac and cheese you’d ever taste.” Steve told Bucky before he shot her a wink as he refilled her glass with water.

“Thanks, Stevie.” she smiled back softly.

Bucky couldn’t help but grin. “STEVIE?”  he mouthed to Sarah who nodded at him, smiling knowingly.

For Steve it was like he had been taken back to before everything went wrong. Sitting with his Mom, Katie, eating dinner…with the addition of Bucky this time. It was nice. The 4 of them ate, chatting, there was no arguing, no frosty moments. Ok, it wasn’t as easy as it had been once upon a time but still, this was progress. And he wasn’t taking it for granted.

Eventually his mother announced it was late and that she should be going. Much to Steve’s disappointment, Katie checked her watch and nodded in agreement.

“I’ll walk down with you Sarah.” Katie said “Tony’s already bitching about me treating his place like a hotel. If I’m much later home he’ll probably threaten to Ground me or something…”

Bucky and Steve both sniggered as Sarah looked at Katie.

“If he’s annoying you that much you can always come stay with me love.” she said and Katie grinned.

“You’d feed me that much apple pie and banana bread I’d be the size of a house.” “Well you do look like you need feeding up….have you been eating properly in DC?” “Ma stop it.” Steve sighed as Katie laughed.

“I’m promise you I eat as much now as I always have.” she assured the woman as they both stood up. “As you’ve just seen. I look like I’m having a food baby.”

Bucky and Steve both rose along with them, Bucky hugging Katie whilst Steve gave his mom a squeeze.

“Don’t blow this…” she hissed into his ear.

“I’ll try not to.” he replied gently.

She stepped back and Steve turned to Katie. Bucky and Sarah were tactful enough to move away to the door, talking loudly to give them some space.

“Think the polar ice caps are melting…” Bucky mumbled to Sarah who smiled as she watched Katie slip her arms round Steve’s waist.

“None so blind as those who will not see.” Sarah mused back.

“Aint that the truth…” Bucky said.

As her arms connected at the base of his back, the familiar fit of her body against his made Steve close his eyes as he gently hugged her back, dropping an affectionate kiss to the crown of her head as he always had done.

“Thank you.” he said softly, “for coming round and…” “It’s ok.” she said, she stepped back and licked her lips and took a deep breath “Look, Steve, I can’t promise everything can go back to like it was before but…maybe we can move forward right?”

“Forward’s good for me doll.” he assured her.

She smiled and turned towards the door. “See you tomorrow Bucky.” “Yeah later Doll Face…” he said to her retreating back.

The two men watched as she paused momentarily, took a deep breath before she held up her right hand and flipped him off over her shoulder, without so much as a look back.

Bucky let out a bark of a laugh and Steve chuckled as the door shut.

@the-omni-princess  @momobaby227 @geekofmanythings16 @angelofhell-666 @thewackywriter @marvelfansworld  @cobalt-gear  @asgardlover75 @jennmurawski13  @jtargaryen18 @saiyanprincessswanie  @navispalace @patzammit  @joannaliceevans-fanficblog @djeniiscorner  @ayamenimthiriel  @coldmuffinbanditshoe  @disneylovingal @madzmilllz  @sgtjaamesbaarnes​ @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​ @southerngracela​ @goldenfightergir​ @kellymat​ @official-and-unstable-satan​ @charmed-asylum​ @pagesoflauren​

[smileyoongle]

Deception (A Kim Namjoon Mafia AU)

Here's your next part. Find the others in the masterlist. I love you!

Summary: A damsel in distress and a lonely mafia leader. Different but not too different. The two worlds collide on a rainy night when Kim Namjoon, a renowned Mafia leader is called for an emergency and Y/N Y/L/N is on the run from her abusive father. Feelings stir and he rescues her. But one of them is a liar. And the other's life is on the line. It's only a matter of time until all secrets are out in the open.

Will love be born? Or will death conquer?

chαptєr Տí×: Once a liar, always a liar

Character Count: 11K

Pairing: Namjoon×Reader (Appearances by the whole of BTS)

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Will they ever come forward

And say it was all a lie

Or will they let

The innocent people die....

-Dave Alan Walker

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"You should have just told us."

Namjoon sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. It had been two hours since Yoongi brought you home and you were still unconscious. The doctor who worked for Namjoon had come and examined you, leaving after prescribing a number of pills and vitamins along with the suggestion of consulting a therapist.

Namjoon was worried. Worried that he hadn't been there with you when you had a panic attack. Worried that you'd think he didn't care enough because he left you to be with Hana. Hell, he hated himself for being so inconsiderate.

Unfortunately, old feelings always seem to catch up.

Yoongi stared at Namjoon, waiting for the younger male to reply to him. So far, Yoongi had been correct with his assumptions. Mr C had managed to get on Namjoon's bad side by being an abusive man. And Namjoon's distraction from work was because of you. A girl who randomly stumbled into his life while escaping hers.

"I just didn't think it was important. Besides, she doesn't know what I do either." Namjoon stated, glancing at the closed bedroom door beyond which you lay under the covers. Yoongi raised an eyebrow in question. Namjoon didn't tell you what he did? Explains why you're even staying with him.

"What does she know?" Yoongi asked, resting his elbows on his knees as he sat comfortably on the plush couch in Namjoon's living room. Namjoon closed his eyes and winced, not wanting to let Yoongi in on all the lies that he fed you. It was a stupid thing to do and he knew that. But he didn't regret his decision enough to fix the situation. All he could do now was hope that you never find out.

"I told her I own Kim Enterprise."

Yoongi choked on his own spit, coughing and hitting his chest as Namjoon shook his head and rushed to the kitchen. Hurriedly, he filled a glass with water and went back to the living room where Yoongi was recovering from his coughing fit.

After taking a few sips from the glass, Yoongi sighed in relief and placed the glass on the table before turning his cold gaze to Namjoon. Yoongi could tell that Namjoon had said something twisted but he wasn't expecting this at all.

"What were you thinking?!" Yoongi seethed, not being able to believe what Namjoon had just told him. Namjoon clenched his jaw and looked away. He didn't like it when someone looked down at him. But he never said anything to the members, especially Yoongi, Seokjin and Hoseok. They were elder than him and they made him who he was today. It wasn't his dad or his mom.

His mom...

Yoongi clenched his eyes shut and leaned his head on the backrest. He really wanted to make Namjoon tell you the truth but he also knew that Namjoon hadn't been this affected by a girl before. Not even Hana had made Namjoon waver like this. Namjoon wanted to be good for you. And that was nearly impossible with the kind of image he had.

"Just- just tell me what's going on with you..." Yoongi trailed off, his eyes glued to the ceiling. This was too much information for his brain to process in one day. He felt tired and exhausted.

Namjoon looked at Yoongi, biting his lip in apprehension. He wasn't sure what he was doing either.

"This is a shot at being happy. That's all I know. She....she makes me feel like I'm me. The person that I was before I was dragged into this hell." Namjoon answered truthfully. This was all he could say. He didn't know what was gonna happen later but he didn't wanna think about it. Yoongi lifted his head and frowned at Namjoon.

"And what about Hana?"

Namjoon's eyes met Yoongi's with nothing but surprise. He knew that Yoongi was simply trying to make sure that Namjoon was firm with his decision. That's what Yoongi did. He played the devil until he was given enough reasons to become supportive.

"I don't know.... I mean I'm happy that she's alive. But, it didn't feel the same when I saw her today. It was like she was there but she wasn't..."

Yoongi's eyes lit up at Namjoon's words. That's all he wanted to hear. He just needed someone to tell him that he wasn't the only one who thought that.

"...or maybe it's because she was tortured for years."

With a sigh, Yoongi slumped in his place, wracking his brain so that he could explain things to Namjoon without pissing him off. Hana was really close to Namjoon's heart. He was prepared to kill anyone who said a word about her.

"Namjoon. For someone who was tortured for four years, Hana is too normal. And I hate to say this, but I don't believe that shitty story she told us. Look at Y/N. You can tell that she was fucking destroyed. Hana just seems perfectly okay...which is why I went on a little hunt today." Yoongi said, watching as Namjoon's shoulders tensed on the mention of your name.

"What hunt..?" Namjoon asked, frowning deeply in curiosity. He did feel something off about the way Yoongi left early but didn't think much of it. Everything was pretty self-explanatory now.

"I met Seojun today."

Namjoon raised his eyebrows, leaning forward as the name stirred interest in his mind. He felt angry and shocked at the same time.

"I knew it. So we did leave someone alive that night. That bas-"

"He's paralyzed down the waist. He has a wife and a kid now. He's been busy making a life for himself, Namjoon. He was the only one who was left alive and he has been doing nothing but visiting hospitals in hopes that he would be able to walk again."

Namjoon pursed his lips, feeling his chest tighten. This was yet another reminder of the monster he was. But at the same time, this was a reminder that Hana was lying to him, creating a mystery about her whereabouts for the past four years.

Namjoon felt speechless. He hadn't been betrayed like this before and he certainly didn't expect Hana to do this. Yoongi stood up and walked towards Namjoon. He placed his hand on Namjoon's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze.

"I'll let you think this through. We'll tell the others only if you want to." Yoongi mumbled sympathetically and headed towards the door. It was best to leave Namjoon alone at times like these. Just as Yoongi opened the door of the house, a soft voice echoed behind him.

"Namjoon?"

On hearing his name, Namjoon immediately stood up and turned around. He let out a huge sigh of relief on seeing you standing outside your room shyly. You stared at him with your beautiful big eyes, your eyebrows slightly furrowed. Your hands tightly gripped the hem of your t-shirt as a very faint pout rested on your lips. Namjoon's heart fluttered again and he mentally cursed. It was crazy how he melted at the very sight of you.

"Y/N..." He mumbled and rushed towards you. He cautiously placed his hands on your shoulders and looked at you head to toe with worried eyes.

"Are you alright?"

You nodded in reply and glanced at the man standing in the doorway. He had pale skin and his dark eyes were narrowed at you. You shivered and looked away.

"Oh.. that's.."

"Min Yoongi. Data analyst at Kim Enterprise. Sorry for the inconvenience. I'll be leaving now."

Namjoon's eyes widened in surprise at Yoongi's introduction. He didn't expect Yoongi to play along but he was really glad about it. You gently smiled and nodded at Yoongi, pursing your lips and looking back at Namjoon as soon Yoongi left the house.

There was an awkward silence as you both stared at each other, trying to come up with things to say.

"You worried me." Namjoon mumbled, breaking the ice as you bit your lip and looked at your feet. There were many things that you wanted to ask but it felt like you were intruding. You were seeing him after one whole day.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." You replied, peering up at him through your lashes. Namjoon shook his head and held your hand before leading you towards the couch. As you sat down, he started pacing in front of you which made you frown.

"Are you...okay?" You asked, raising your eyebrows on seeing him so tensed. It was fair though. You had fainted in the middle of nowhere and you had no idea how you even reached home.

Namjoon stopped pacing around and looked at you with sad eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. He seemed to be struggling with his words.

"Hana is just a friend." He finally blurted out, making you frown. You tilted your head and looked at him expectantly.

Hana?

Who is that?

As if reading your mind, Namjoon sighed and sat down next to you. "That...girl who I left with yesterday. She is just a friend. And I am sorry I left without saying anything." He explained, looking at you with as much guiltiness as he could muster. At this point, you were just dumbfounded. The fact that Namjoon felt like he needed to tell you this....it made you feel special.

You ended up giving away a breathy laugh before looking at him. "I didn't...ask?" You stated, shrugging and studying his expression. Suddenly, his lips broke into a grin and he simply stared at you. You could feel the heat spreading across your cheeks and you looked away. You weren't used to interacting so much with anyone. And men had never been nice to you before.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" You asked gently, fiddling with your fingers. Namjoon continued to smile as he broke out of his trance. You were just so captivating.

"This is probably the first time I heard you laugh. It sounded nice." He replied, making your breath hitch. You bit your lips harshly to stop yourself from smiling. But the urge was too strong. The way your heart was pounding.

What if he could hear it?

"I got a job." You stated, trying to change the topic. You mentally face palmed at your confession.

He wasn't supposed to know.

Meanwhile, Namjoon's face turned stoic. Your words left him feeling angry. But he couldn't do anything at all. This was something you really wanted and he had to respect that. So he cleared his throat and put on a supportive smile.

"That's good news. Where?" He enquired, frowning when your eyes widened. You gulped and looked around frantically, trying to think of ways to avoid this conversation. You didn't wanna tell him. He would probably be upset or something.

Namjoon figured that your sudden mood swing was probably because you were thinking of your panic attack. He was about to comfort you when you stood up.

"It's a cafe in Gangnam. Can we eat something? I don't think I had anything since afternoon." You requested, wincing on seeing the disapproving look on Namjoon's face. He stood up and shook his head before grabbing your hand and leading you into the kitchen.

"You need to take care of yourself, Y/N." He said, sternly. You smiled slightly on seeing him so concerned. For once, it felt nice to be someone's priority.

You aren't his priority.

"Who was that man? Yoongi, was it?" You asked, trying to clear your head. All the questions were making you dizzy. If anything, you just wanted to sleep since it was around 12AM already.

Namjoon's shoulders tensed as he heated the food that Walter had made. Even though Yoongi had already made himself known to you, Namjoon could tell that you didn't really wanna know who Yoongi was. Hana's face flashed in Namjoon's mind and he found himself gripping the counter firmly until his knuckles turned white. Your eyes widened momentarily when you saw his jaw clenching.

Before you could say another word, he already turned to you.

"Someone in the company turned out to be an informant for an outsider." He stated with a cold expression. You shivered slightly, feeling the dark aura that he radiated. You couldn't help but feel that this was because of you. Namjoon neglected his work for you. That was probably why he was dealing with such a crisis.

You inhaled deeply and slipped your hand into his. You interlaced your fingers together and smiled at him.

"It'll be okay. I know you'll handle it." You said soothingly. At that moment, Namjoon's heart rocketed to the sky. He was pretty sure it was your smile that made him do it. Because in the blink of an eye, his arms were around you and your head lay against his chest, his rhythmic heartbeat lulling you into a pit of affection.

∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆ ∆

A low humming echoed as the computer lit up the dark room. Beside the computer was a bulletin board full of pictures. Pictures of those who needed to be taken down. A man dressed in a black hoodie continued to hum distractedly as he grabbed a marker. A 'pop' rung through the room as the marker was uncapped. The man smirked and circled the face of one of the inhabitants of the photographs.

"Let's break you all apart, shall we?" He stated to himself, his smirk growing into a malicious grin. He turned his eyes to the computer screen and pressed a button on the keyboard.

"And I'd like to start with you, Mr Park Jimin..."

Taglist: @uwunamjoon @shadowstark @addy-nerd @tzuyyyuuu @stressedinmedschool247 @ifellinluvwithdorks @min-t-posts @floofwrites @pretty-in-pink-just-because @bts-d-onut @fangirllbookworm @mystical-writer @it-is-dana @ximaginx @kpopgirlbtssvt @pearylove @anothermisspark @annoyingpessimist @motivation-idontknowher @atwoodscott @bunnymaknaereacts

Sorry if I missed anyone out. Let me know if I did. And let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist. And ALSO let me know what you thought of this chapter! Buh-Bye for now!

-XX

[kirj-of-perversion]

Billy Again (Part 1)

His whole life, Four has brought death and bad luck wherever he went. Now that he is no longer alive maybe his luck will change, especially surrounded by people who love him as much as he does them.

Or a story about Four’s  Many names

A/n: This is for @billytheskywalker​‘s awesome quote challenge! The quote I chose is “Here we are, born to be kings. We are princes of the universe.” Hope you guys like it, the formatting may be a bit weird, you can also read it on ao3 here

Word count: 5.4k

1. Billy

Four and Five were sitting on top of a roof.

That almost sounds like the start of a nursery rhyme, doesn’t it? The setting was right too, everything feels soft and fragile at sunrise. The sun looked almost shy as it peaked from under the earth, a faded red, the sky was pink and five was bathed in golden light.

They were sitting close but not touching, and there, in the cold morning air, Four could almost feel the heat radiating off of her skin. She was so close; if he shifted just the slightest bit he’d be able to press the line of his thigh against hers.

“-at’s why I got into medical school.”* He was only half-listening as she told him about her life before the whole fake death thing, they'd been trading stories for half an hour. He hated it, talking about his life before felt like playing with fire. But he’d never been able to deny her anything, or any of the ghosts for that matter.

“What about you, Billy?” Billy, he still wondered why he told them that damned nickname, why not William, or Bill, even Will; he’d been called each of those at one point or another.

“What do you want to know?” He smiled at her, couldn't help himself, even though talking about himself almost physically hurt.

“What’s your earliest memory?”

He hummed, deep in his chest, wondering how much he should tell her.

“My earliest memory, yeah? I think it was falling off the roof of my childhood home.” She punched him on the shoulder, giggling (and wasn’t that a thought? Five, their badass doctor, giggling.)

“You’re totally lying.”

“I’m not, I swear! My mum was so mad I could almost see the steam coming out of her ears. But it didn’t matter to me, the next day I was back on that roof, I’ve been climbing for as long as I can remember.”

She laughed, throwing her head back and he almost felt guilty for lying to her.

But after so many lies, so much secrecy, there were things he couldn't help but keep to himself, no matter how much he loved them all.

His actual first memory was of his mother, being held in her arms as a storm thundered outside. Her usual scent of clean clothes and lavender all around him and her quiet whisperings swallowed up by the darkness around them. He remembered with startling clarity the pain of his black eye, feeling it pulsate, and the words of his drunkard father.

Useless. Good for nothing. Dumb.

And yet, the pain hadn’t been so bad there. Curled up in his bed with his mother as she consoled him, late at night after his father had fallen asleep.

“You’re gonna do great things, my little lamb. Oh, Billy, people like you, born with stars in their eyes are meant to be great kings or rulers. One day you’ll see, the whole world will know who you are.”

He had barely believed her, back then. Even less so, a few years later, on his ninth birthday, newly orphaned and watching the still-hot cinders of his childhood home.

At that moment, he knew, he was destined to misfortune.

2.William

At the age of nine, with no relatives to be found and no will left by his parents, Four was sent to foster care. He lasted two weeks in the system before running away from his foster “parents” and never looking back.

Those two weeks were hellish, as Four constantly switched hands and institutions. Surprisingly, nobody wanted the bruised little kid who had night terrors that woke him up screaming and shaking every single night. The state-mandated therapist he saw only twice asked what the nightmares were about and he told her they were about the house fire (they weren’t, all he saw in his sleep were his father’s fists).

And they all kept calling him that, William, like he was a pet they had named. Nobody asked, it was just William here, William there. William was this new boy, a boy alone in the world whom no one would ever truly care for. Just another child of the system. And yet. And yet, a tiny part in him was relieved, because his heart seized in his chest whenever he thought about being called Billy, like he was disrespecting his mum, who had had so much faith in him.

He knew he would never be able to accomplish whatever hopes she’d had for him.

Midway through the second week, he was sent to the Whites, an idyllic little family with a charming father, a smiling mother, a little girl two years younger than him and a dog. They were nice, too much so, telling him they wanted to welcome him into their family.

“Hello, William, it’s great to have you with us. I’m sure you’ll feel right at home.” Said Mrs. White, running a silk-soft hand through his hair.

For three days he waited for the other shoe to drop, for the charming Mr. White to drink a beer too many and hit him. But he never did, instead, Mr. White (“it’s Gerard, kiddo”) called him champ and big boy, and tossed around a ball with him in the backyard. It was unsettling.

Billy’s father had been a charming man too, everyone liked him. He smoked cigars and laughed like thunder and everyone loved him. (“Oh Billy, why don’t you like your dad? He’s so nice!”).

So as nice as Mr. White was, Four, didn’t trust him. In his experience fathers weren't nice, at least not to their children. Instead, he tottered behind Mrs. White (“It’s Veronica, honey, or mum if you prefer”) and little Elysia, enamored by their twin heads of dark curls.

Mrs. White was nice too, prettier than his own mother and just as charming as Mr. White. She’d kiss his forehead at night and tell him and Elysia stories. She was strict but fair, assigning the children chores and explaining to Four how important homework would be once they got him enrolled in school.

For a few days, Four harbored a tiny flicker of hope. Of course, the universe promptly crushed it.

On the fourth day (And how’s that for an unlucky number?) Four dropped a glass of milk and Mrs. White slapped him across the face, her long nails catching on his skin and drawing blood. Elysia stood in the corner, watching them with wide eyes and a trembling lip as her mother devolved into a screaming fit.

“How dare you?! How dare you disrespect my family and my home like this?! We didn’t have to take you in you idiot!” Four stayed silent, looking her in the eyes as fat tears rolled down his cheeks.

She sent him to his room without dinner but instead of falling asleep he grabbed a plastic bag and shoved in the little belongings the Whites had bought for him, still crying, but furrowing his brows in determination.

Fathers, he decided, were not the only bad people there were. Mothers could be evil too, anyone really. And if parents could be so wicked, then he didn’t need them.

Not anyone.

He climbed out of the window with practiced ease, after years and years of climbing all over his own home. He slipped away on silent feet, distantly hearing Mrs. White berate her own daughter and husband.

After that, it was the streets, and Four learned about hunger, he learned how it felt to think you were going to die, for the first time in his life. Sure, at first people were willing to spare a few quarters for the cute little kid sitting on the curb, but as he got dirtier and scragglier they started shooing him away and shooting him dirty looks.

He ate fast food as often as he could, washed his face in McDonald´s sinks and changed into the least dirty of his clothes as much as possible, but he was still miserable. He felt weak all the time and he was just so tired.

And then he learned to steal.

3.Bill

Here’s the thing, most people are good at at least a couple of things, some talent is just innate and if you hone it enough then things start to get intense. And Four? He was good at stealing. Then again, stealing was more of an effect brought on by his talent at climbing and running, at moving.

He’d discovered parkour at twelve and started seeing the world differently. Everything, everything as just a way of enhancing movement, of being faster of getting just the slightest bit closer to the sky. He started moving all around England sometimes learning a trick or two from older guys who were like him. Fast and feeling the urge to move and bend reality around him like a constant urge under their skin.

So Four was good.

And people began to take notice.

Four was fourteen years old (and surely, whatever god there is must have laughed themself silly at the recurring number), and sitting on a roof, letting his feet dangle, eating a warm bagel when he heard footsteps behind him. Immediately he jumped to his feet, turning around and wiping the crumbs away from his lips. He’d met a wide arrange of people who hung out on roofs like him, but usually, there was some semblance of etiquette. The way this person had approached him and gotten so close before announcing his presence was just unnerving.

“Who are you?”

The stranger tilted his head to the side; he was half a head taller and probably a couple of years older than Four, with a generous smattering of freckles on his nose and dark, nearly reddish eyes.

“So you’re the little blonde kid who’s been stealing around town?”

Four bristled, he wasn't a kid!

“So what if I am?”

The kid gave him a cocky smile and extended a hand for Four to shake. Four didn’t move and the stranger shrugged before putting his hands in his pockets.

“My name’s Engel, what’s yours?”

Four took a wary step back, suddenly uncomfortably aware that he was at a disadvantage, only a couple inches away from a three-story fall, backed into a corner by Engel.

“Why should I tell you?”

Engel’s smirk widened, the look in his eyes nearly cat-like.

“Because, I’ve got a job offer for you, pretty boy.”

Four barely caught himself before taking another step back, instead tilting his chin upwards stubbornly.

“Don’t call me that!”

“Then tell me what I should call you.”

He bit his lip and his fingers unconsciously crushing the bagel. What was he supposed to answer to that? True, he was no longer Billy, but William felt crushingly unnatural. He looked Engel in the eyes.

“B-Bill. My name’s Bill.”

Engel smiled with an emotion Four couldn’t decipher and again extended his hand for Four to shake, taking a step closer.

“Nice name, kid. Now I’ve heard you’re good at stealing, and I want you to join my team.”

Engel's hand was warm as Four shook it.

Apparently, the group wasn’t actually Engel’s team, he was just a member who, like the others deferred to the eldest guys, a pair of twenty-year-old twins who didn’t bother introducing themselves to Four. He later found out through the grapevine that their names were Zaccai and Arlo, both sported shaved heads and looked bored nearly all the time. They only seemed to come alive during robberies.

Stealing with this team was completely different from the petty stuff Four usually did. The robberies were each carefully planned and they changed cities much more often than Four did, even countries. In his time with the twins, he traveled through most of Europe. The targets were also much bigger, even if the twins took the majority of the money. Four was sure that they could have retired with a mansion whenever they wanted, but they simply enjoyed their line of work too much.

The “team” was more than anything else, a gaggle of young people without any real organization, the members came and went as they pleased. Four never took off on his own but he sometimes accompanied Engel when he needed help with a side job. Sometimes Engel would leave him alone for weeks at a time and Four would wait anxiously, ignoring the rest of the team until he returned. Whenever anyone took too much time to report back, the twins wrote them off as dead and everyone got a free afternoon to wander off for a while.

The first time this happened, Four looked at Engel with wide eyes but the older one just gave him a bitter smile.

“That’s how things go in this line of work, Bill. You better get used to it.”

Engel was also the first one who put a gun in his hand. Four had been sixteen for two weeks and had finally grown a couple of inches taller than Engel. It was a handgun, small but unbelievably heavy in Four’s palm. Of course, he’d seen that most everyone carried at least one gun whenever they stole something but he’d never imagined he’d have to too. Everyone else did parkour but he was the best one, it was his thing and the reason Engel had recruited him, he didn't understand why he needed a gun like the others.

“You’re fast, Bill. But no that fast. You can’t outrun a bullet, the only way to stop it is to kill the other guy first.” A wink. “And I need you to cover my back too. You and me, yeah?”

And so, Billy learned, every day he would stand for hours, shooting targets until his arms were sore and he could barely keep his eyes open. But no matter how much he trained his muscles he never could bring himself to shoot anyone. His self-appointed mentor also taught him to fight, on dusty gymnastics mats the twins kept around in their hideouts. Engel would always win, but Billy was good too, fast and electric, wiggling out of chokeholds like an eel. But he never fought dirty enough for Engel’s taste.

“You’ve gotta go harder, Bill! Those guys out there are not gonna have any compassion when they’re fighting you. They’re gonna go in for the kill and if you don’t do the same, they’re gonna succeed.”

Four was seventeen, lying on those mats, sweat-slick and breathing heavy, when Engel kissed him. It was a hungry kiss, the kind that builds up for years and uncoils like an explosion. The kind of kiss where you feel the raw need in the base of your stomach, where air stops mattering. And you just want. They started… something after that, kissing in empty corridors and jacking each other off in dark alleyways, quieting their moans into each other’s necks. Four would never forget Engel’s face as he came, head thrown back and flushed cheeks, hair wild.

Despite it all, they never actually fell in love, Four didn’t at least. And Engel would still leave for weeks at a time, leaving him alone and burning. They started drinking together, sleeping with girls when the other wasn’t there and partying hard.

Meanwhile, their little skirmishes kept getting riskier, as Zaccai acquired a manic look in his eyes he hadn’t had before and Arlo kept shooting him worried looks when he thought no one was watching.

Suddenly one day, when Four was nearly twenty-one and easily a head taller than Engel, Zaccai announced he had decided he wanted to steal the Moussaief Red Diamond. At that moment, that meant nothing to Four, but he later found out it was the seventh most expensive diamond in the world, owned by a man named Shlomo Moussaief who lived in London. While everyone was extremely excited at the prospect of being set for life, late at night they could hear the twins argue in their room.

“We can’t do this Zaccai! We don’t have the manpower!”

“Don’t you see it?! It’s the ultimate challenge, the ultimate proof of skill!”

“You’re crazy! You’ve gone crazy, and I’m not letting you drag me down with you!”

Arlo stormed out of the abandoned apartments where the team had been squatting, leaving behind a string of worried whispers and bubbling panic. Zaccai smiled at them when he stepped out of the room.

“Don’t worry guys, we can do it without. When we pull this off, I promise you, we’re gonna become legends! We’re gonna be rich!”

Four shot a worried look at Engel, but the latter had a nearly identical look on his face to Zaccai, a demented smile, slashed across his face.

“Hear that, Bill? Rich. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Engel the millionaire.”

And so they prepared like they hadn’t ever before, scanning the building to find entrances and exits, paying for intel about the security personnel.

Finally, the day came when they silently entered the deceptively modest house where Moussaief lived, Zaccai at the helm.

And promptly walked into Hell.

It was obvious from that first moment that they had been given wrong intel or someone had ratted them off because they were immediately shot at. Men started dropping like flies in both sides of the fight, the sound of shooting deafening as Four gripped his gun so hard his knuckles turned white. They ran across hallways, Four’s teammates constantly shooting and dropping to flour, screaming with pain. Only Zaccai’s laughter rose above the rest of the noise.

“The diamond! Just get the diamond!”

There were only five of them when they finally got to the showroom, only to find it completely empty.

Of course.

Moussaief had probably flown out of town if not out of the country as soon as he'd been tipped off that something was brewing. And he's taken his fortune with him.

Zaccai stopped laughing; face blanching for just a moment before it exploded as they shot him in the head. The only lasting guard walked into the room and promptly shot the rest of Four’s teammates. He felt his heart stop as he watched almost in slow motion, the bullet headed for Engel’s chest. In just a couple of seconds he felt it all, nausea and sadness. And blinding anger.

He raised the gun, and shot, aiming directly at the man’s heart.

Bull’s eye.

The man fell to the floor, his last scream getting stuck in his throat.

Four shot again. And again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and ag-

“Bill!”

What?

“Bill!”

His hands began shaking, the gun clattering to the floor.

“I’m fine! It was just a graze.”

For a moment he stared uncomprehendingly at Engel’s blood-streaked side.

“You okay, man?”

He looked into Engel’s dark eyes, feeling numb as the older boy cupped his face with both hands.

“It’s okay, Bill. He’s dead. I’m fine.”

Four threw himself at Engel, winding his arms around his neck. He didn’t sob or make a sound, just shook as Engel rocked him from side shushing him softly. When he was slightly calmer, he and Engel took the fire escape to walk onto the roof, stepping over bodies, staining the soles of their shoes with blood.

Over them, the moon was nearly nonexistent, just a thin ribbon of light. Four licked his cracked lips before speaking.

“So, what next?”

Engel clapped him on the shoulder, pressing a hand against his injured side.

“Wanna go to Ukraine?”

4.Will

On the day they arrived in Ukraine, the day was overcast.

It was a few weeks after the failed Moussaief thievery, they had waited for Engel’s side to heal up, but Four was still wary of the new group they were going to meet. Apparently, they were friends of Engel that he sometimes helped for a little extra cash, though working for the twins had been more profitable. It stung, that in all the years of knowing each other, Four had never met them.

Besides, he didn’t want to belong to a team anymore. A team meant dead-weight and room for error, a team meant caring for too many people. Usually, Four thrived in variables. How many variables and different paths did the landscape have to offer? Human variables, though, he wasn’t so keen on.

When he voiced his opinions to Engel, the latter just laughed.

“They’re good guys, Bill. Well, as good as you’re gonna get for a bunch of thieves anyway.”

Kyiv was beautiful with high buildings made of white stone dark, lanky silhouettes of unlit lampposts. But Engel immediately led him to the bad side of town, where the buildings barely stood and the people lived on the streets. The smell of poverty was intense, but Four didn’t mind it, it had become home. The group had been living in an abandoned house, with no glass on the windows and peeling paint. Cigarette butts littered the ground outside.

The group inside was much smaller than Four expected, nothing like the twins’ group. There were only eight or nine people, sitting on metal folding chairs, the floor, and an ugly couch, around a deck of cards and three bottles of vodka. The first one to get up was the only girl, tiny and ballerina-like, with bird-boned wrists and lean strong muscle lining her arms. She raised an eyebrow playfully and fixed with an intense look in her dark, dark eyes. The other’s got up slowly, nothing remarkable about them except for a guy with tattooed lines streaked down his face like tears and the bluest eyes Four had ever seen and a man with a hulking figure that surely couldn’t be very good at parkour, hands the size of bowling balls and a gun hanging from his belt. The only one who carried one. Engel smiled wide.

“Well guys, this is Bill, the guy I’ve been telling you about for years.” A wink. “Bill, meet the crew. The scary fella over there is Axel, our gunman, and heavyweight. A bodyguard if you will.” Mr. Giant nodded slightly, his eyes focused on the street outside. “From left to right there’s Dima, Andrew, Andreas, Symon, Taras, Aleksander and the guy with the bad face tattoos is Mykola.” The latter frowned at Engel but didn’t say anything, before giving Four a shaky smile, bouncing nervously on the balls of his feet.

Finally, Engel wound an arm around the girl and pulled her flush against his side.

“And this,” He bit his lip for a second. “Is the wonderful Oksana.”

She looked at Four with a smirk and he felt his knees go slightly weak.

“So this is the famous Bill.” She scrunched her nose. “Not a fan of the name, though. I think I’m gonna call you Will.” Engel frowned.

“Oh my g-d, Oksana you can’t just-”

“It’s fine!” Four cleared his throat, embarrassed. “I’m fine with Will.” Engel leveled an unimpressed stare at him.

“Fine, but you’ll be Bill to me. Now come on, I’ll show you the rest of the house.”

And so it was. The rest of the team stuck to calling him Bill, but that night when Oksana led him to her room instead of one of the communal rooms for the guys, she moaned the name Will.

Will. Will. Will.

Like a chant, soft and hoarse in his ear as her short, sharp nails drew blood from his back.

Will!

As she came, lovelier than anything else he had ever seen, her tan skin flushed all over.

It became a regular occurrence, more often than not he slept in her room and he stuck close to her wherever they went. At parties, he liked to have her closed, fingers grazing her elbow or her hip. When they stole something he usually kept her in his line of sight, more on edge than he had ever seen during a mission.

Of course, he still hung out with Engel. He was his best friend after all, but when the latter tried to go in for a kiss when they were sparring Four stopped him.

“It’s just, ya know, my thing with Oksana. You get it right?”

Engel stared at him and for the first time in a very long while, Four couldn’t decipher his expression.

“Yeah. I see how it is.”

The sparring ended quickly and awkwardly. Usually, Engel and Four fought as cleanly as they could, but at that moment, as Engel twisted his arm behind his back, straddling his hips, he was genuinely afraid he would break it.

“I win. See you later Bill.”

Four stared at his friend’s retreating back, genuinely wondering where he went wrong.

But it was okay. That night, Oksana took him to one of her favorite nightclubs and kissed his worries away. He felt like an idiot next to her, slow and lumbering, when she moved through crowds of people like a fish through water. Everywhere she went, she seemed to belong in a way he had never been able to. but she seemed to want him around and that helped.

And at some point, they started to spend nights upon nights just talking, about everything. Themselves, their childhoods, their wretched, awful childhoods. It was hard not to want when he was next to her. Not only want her but want to change to world for her, fix the injustices, the systems that had failed her, the streets that had sheltered her. Make her proud of him, like he had only ever wanted to make his mom proud.

Being with Oksana made him want everything.

Sometimes, he would whisper these dreams to her, like secrets, face pressed against the warmth of her sweat-slicked skin. She would laugh, quietly.

“You’re a dreamer, Will. I’m fine sticking to the earth while you search for the stars.”

She had always been much more realistic than him. She knew, that those dreams were nothing but fairytales. People like them didn’t accomplish miracles or even good things. He should have listened to her, maybe then the fall from the stars to the ground wouldn’t have hurt so much.

It was Oksana who took him to get his first and only tattoo, four big letters stretched across the knuckles of his right hand.

“What do they mean?”

“A letter for each of the people I have loved the most.”

M, for mum.

E, for Engel.

O, for Oksana.

And B, for the little boy he had once been, for the future his mother had seen in his eyes.

When Engel had seen the tattoo, he’d laughed himself to tears.

“Never get someone’s name or initials tattooed, Bill. It’s bad luck.”

And Engel was always right, wasn’t he?

A month later, they sat together, drinking. Oksana, was asleep, claiming cramps and a couple of the boys had gone out to a nightclub. It was just Andrew, Dima, Engel, and Four, drinking, a cigarette in each of their mouths. Usually, Engel was the best of them at drinking, but tonight he had been drinking much more than usual, taking generous swigs of two different bottles.

He kept asking Four about his relationship with Oksana, getting more and more aggressive with each drink he took. Finally, at four in the morning, he asked a question he’d been itching to ask, the words nearly flying out of his mouth without his permission.

“Aren’t you afraid of her?”

Four laughed, him? Scared of a small, cute girl like her?

But that wasn’t really what Engel was asking, was it? No, it went more along the line of, aren’t you afraid that you’ll fall in love? That you’ll give too much and she’ll take it without mercy? Aren’t you afraid that it’ll be too much, too fast, that you’ll be washed over by her tides?

Because girls like her, are the kind of girls who rip you open to feast on your heart and suck up your soul.

Because she had the power to ruin him.

This squirrely little girl, who looked like a gun made woman. His Oksana (except not his, never his), all muscles from climbing and starving, like him, all of them, street urchins forever and ever like his own group of lost boys.

“How could I be scared of her, I’m twice her size!” Andrew and Dima snickered, but Engel stayed silent, the flickering fire reflected in his eyes, casting strange shadows on his face.

“Whatever, Will” And he said the name like an insult, like a thrown stone. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you about her.”

“What’s his problem?” Asked Andrew and as Dima shrugged, Four took a gulp from the bottle of Rum at his feet and tried not to wonder how many times Oksana and Engel had slept together before he came to Ukraine.

From that moment on, he’d been expecting it, Oksana’s betrayal. Waiting for the fatal words to cross her lips: “I cheated on you” or even worse “I don’t love you anymore, I never did.”, asking himself if he would forgive her, shying away from the meaningful stares Engel shot at him and he dared not decipher.

And yet he was in love with her.

He could almost physically feel it, in the way he just seemed to breathe easier with her around him. In the way kissing her felt better than anything else in the world, that her presence brightened up a room. In the way he ached for her when she wasn’t with him.

He had killed for Engel, but he knew he would die for Oksana.

And they did stakeouts and ran to keep fit and listened to rumors. They kept stealing, here and there, but every single one of them was here for the big one. The necklace. Worth fifty million fucking dollars, the so-called “Garden of Kalahari” was even bigger than the Moussaief diamond. No matter how many participated in that robbery, they’d be set for life, and in this mission, the team was small. None of them could truly comprehend the amount of money the Kalahari was worth.

And it was going to be theirs.

There was a tension in the air, an itching in their veins, and at moments Four almost thought he could comprehend what had driven Zaccai to near-insanity. The feeling of adrenaline and expectation was nearly intoxicating. But still terrifying. The day almost snuck-up on them, there without warning. They had planned and re-planned a thousand times and yet, the Moussaief incident kept repeating itself in Four’s head. What if’s plagued him.

That morning, Oksana soothed him with a slow kiss.

“Welcome to the rest of our lives, Will.”

And so they went, the building was much older and unassuming than Moussaief’s home had been. But it made sense, the Kalahari belonged to an old rich woman, who hoarded her jewelry like a dragoness and who, after losing her businesses to younger more innovative competition, had let herself fall into poverty rather than sell her jewels.

Every morning she left the building unattended to go walk a decrepit old dog, both of them took nearly an hour for a short walk. More than enough time.

This group was much more acrobatic and parkour centered than the old one, so only the big guy, Axel, and Engel carried guns, the added weight wasn’t ideal for this kind of job. As soon as they walked into the building, Axel and Engel posted themselves at the door, guns drawn.

They had planned and re-planned a thousand times.

It wasn’t enough.

The first clue was the gunshots, the next one was the two heavy thuds by the door, Engel and Axel’s corpses falling to the floor. The final clue was Mykola shouting. Desperate, as if he wanted to tear his vocal cords out.

“Politsiya! Politsiya!”

Four never learned Ukrainian. He had meant to, he’d wanted to impress Oksana, but even he knew what the words meant.

When he found the Kalahari, it was almost like salvation. Maybe. Maybe, the mission hadn’t been for nothing.

More shots then, closer now, Four wasn’t keeping a head-count anymore. Just running, as fast as he could, until the oxygen burnt.

They were supposed to cross through the sign and he could barely comprehend when instead of doing that he was falling. Airborne. The only thing keeping him from certain death, from splattering like paint on the floor, was the too-thin cable in his hands. For the first time in a long, long time he was scared of falling.

And then she was there, Oksana. She grabbed the necklace and he knew that he was saved.

Except.

“Grab my hand! Grab my hand!”

His jaw hurt like nothing had hurt before, the jewels between his teeth felt like iron, like they would grind his molars to dust.

Oksana didn’t grab his hand. The look in her eyes was cold, empty, and Four felt himself go numb.

And then he was falling.

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