#to be clear i haven't read most of these unfortunately bc i haven't been... reading a ton of books lately that weren't for class :(

[creatingblackcharacters]

Hi Ice! This one is maybe a little on the outskirts of 'creating Black characters', but it is related to the introspective questions you posted a little while back, so I thought I'd ask for your opinion. I'm sure this isn't an one-easy-answer thing, so I'd love to hear from any other Black people reading this as well!

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm seven years and 300k+ words deep in a fanfiction about anthropomorphic animal characters, and your introspective questions made me face the fact that I've been the ignorant fandom racist. I wrote my main character as white. Now, 7 years later, I stumble over a post pointing out ... those are locs

I don't know if the authors intended for this character to be Black (nonblack voice actors, supplementary material also clearly doesn't draw him this way, though that stuff was all over the place re: consistency) and I frankly also am not sure if they Should have, given his role in the narrative, but a) that's not really up to me to speak on and b) he's got locs and mostly black fur and was inspired by Anubis. I've been whitewashing, there's no way around it.

I briefly considered going back and just straight up changing the story to make him Black, but I quickly realized that I have been writing him from a white-centered narrative and just slotting a Black character into that would arguably be Worse. Or at least racist in a brand new way. I can change how he takes care of his hair, but not the themes on which the entire narrative is built upon. I've been writing about a white man and I can't just pretend I haven't.

So my question to you is ... what now? How do I best acknowledge this? Do I just quietly come to terms with the fact that this story is racist and do better next time? I would like to acknowledge it in some way, I have a small but loyal audience and if I could use that platform to start a conversation (or just put out a 'hey, don't be like me') that would ... maybe at least be better than nothing? Possibly?

I know there's not a simple solution here that will Fix It, but I thought I'd ask an actual Black person who's open to educating what might be a good next move. Maybe avoid making another, new White Person Blunder. Here's to hoping.

I really appreciate all you do, your blog rocks and so do you.

Is that Shadow?

Okay, so I had to have a conversation with Hot Chocolate on this one because this one's a doozy! I appreciate that you're willing to stop and reflect though. Most people wouldn't be willing to do so this far in!

Admittedly, the fact that you're seven years into this means this will require a lot of effort. And, tbh, I might be confused bc I cannot tell what that character is 😅 So! After some thought, here's what we came up with:

Take a hiatus. Point blank period. Take a BREAK, do not pass go, do not collect $200! Idk what lore you've written, but you've written a lot of it. Take as long as you need to reread your works, and see if at any point you ever made it clear that this was a white person, or anything other than the Black character you now think they should be. If it feels undefined, where you can turn "hair" into "locs" or add in small details, then that could be your smooth way out. It doesn't have to be massive changes, but it could help. It'll take you time, for sure! But you dug seven years in, it's gone take you time to dig out. Maybe if you skim 15k words a week (or ctrl-F it for hair, for examples), that's... 20 weeks? Go at your own pace, faster or slower.

Unfortunately this happens a lot, where influences for characters will be taken from cultures of colors and improperly represented (the "African" god from Genshin). That's just a fact. So I don't necessarily blame you for the confusion, but... Now you know.

If possible, get a sensitivity reader! Preferably a Black one. Ngl, given the massive amount of work, you're likely going to have to pay them. Maybe give them half and you take half. Idk, but let another pair of eyes look at your work. Or maybe there's a Black reader that you could speak to and see how they feel about the potential change.

Should you choose to keep going, just try to be more purposeful and intentional about that character's Blackness. Definitely tell your readers what you figured out, why it's important to you, and then move forward from there.

Now, RECOGNIZE that many of them will NOT be pleased! That's kind of the thing about opening your eyes when it comes to racism in media! A lot of people will NOT be happy that you decided to be more intentional, especially if they've been imagining their favorite white guy for seven years. You're going to have to weigh your integrity and your will to create against that. People might leave, people that you thought were cool AF until it was time to show true colors. Be ready for that.

But that's just what I would do 🤷🏾‍♀️

[melonminnie]

I was looking for fanfics of Atil x reader 😭 I just read yours it was really good

Can I please request another 😭 like reader is Atil’s childhood friend and they meet after a long time in a ball. But she dances with Fjord in the ball instead of him so he gets pissed and corners her in the garden (you know those manhwa scenes)

BTW if you can, please write Your name instead of Y/N 😭

Can you make them at least 15-17 (not too young or old)

IN the gardens ☆: .˚ Atil x fem! reader

AUTHOR NOTE: Also, I tried complying with the request 100 precent so bear with me I haven't written in so so so long so mind the grammar because English is not my first language, I came back from the writing grave bc i lob writing abt atil

"THIS is your new playmate, Atil!" cheered his nanny, pushing the small girl a step towards the prince. It was very clear to the then eight-year-old prince that you two wouldn't get along.

If you left, Atil thought he wouldn't miss you. For the brunette, you were the most boring person to ever exist. Hell, the boy marked his calendar to the day you would leave, with a big red circle around the day and the words 'She'll finally leave'.

While Atil had completely forgotten that the calendar exists, the cruel words of the eight-year-old were right there for her to see. You weren't meant to see it; he should've hidden it, should've tucked it under his pillow.

Eight-year-old, your name saw them, and of course, you were hurt. Of course, you cried and got mad at him. But luckily, you two made up; he removed the markings on the calendar.

Eventually, you left. He begged you not to, but you did, and for 9 years, you remained in the back of the prince's mind.

9 years later,

Atil thought you looked familiar, familiar in a way he's known you before, seen you in drawings, had you memorized in his brain, and it clicked. Fuck, was he happy when he remembered.

All the memories, all the words, the questions he wanted to ask you. But for some reason, he couldn't.

It wasn't until the next day that Atill found out why he couldn't talk to you. You were simply too beautiful for him to talk to anymore. Too stunning, an angel maybe.

The ball that Atill had held, one of the first balls for him to even hold as the current emperor of the empire, was a week-long, so he wasn't worried about time.

But what worried him was if he would ever get the courage to talk to you ever. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, you'd remember him.

So, the next day came, morning came and went, the sky growing dark, unseeable stars twinkling. The castle was abuzz, and so was the capital, nobles arriving at the palace in their pearly carriages, and those who worked there passing along the long halls, food and wine in trays.

Atil stood there, for once, maybe in his life, he felt absolutely dumbfounded. He really didn't know what to do.

"Hi, Atill, remember me?" With the voice came a tap on his shoulder. While the voice grew softer, Atill knew who it was, his childhood friend, one of his only friends.

"Your name."

"Your name?" he asks, turning to face you. You nod to his question. And he smiles, "how long has it been? Nine years?" he asks.

"I think so, time moves fast. You're now the emperor, hm?" she responds, grabbing dessert from one of the servants that passed by them.

"Soon to be. Will you be there for the ceremony?" he asks once more. This time, you don't answer as everyone moves toward the ballroom. Atill follows suit.

For the first ten minutes, there was no dancing, no nothing, till one person asks the other and soon everyone follows, asking the person they've been eyeing or with the higher status.

Atill rejecting every one of them for one reason. He wanted to dance with you and only you. For the first time since he saw you at the ball since day one, Atill wanted to ask you, and he wanted to be the only man to ever dance with you that night.

Unfortunately, to his dismay, a particular white-haired boy, one that he despised with his entire being, Fjord Bharrat, had asked you to dance. Why? he didn't know. He didn't even know that Fjord even knew you, considering he had never met you.

But you were stunning, and almost every person there had been looking at you. Or maybe it was because Fjord saw Atill eyeing you and wanted to annoy him.

Annoyed and not particularly wanting to dance with anyone but you, Atill heads to the garden. He had half a mind to head to the maze garden, but he knew neither his friend Pie nor his butler would appreciate his disappearance.

So, he stood there, like a pretty decoration, if you will, bored out of his mind, his eyes following your movements. Atill was mad, yes, not at you, at the future duke who was dancing with you.

After a few more songs, Atill took his eyes off of you for one second to get a drink, and when he returned, you were no longer there. He searched everywhere, but you disappeared. And he knew one place he could look for you.

Making his way outside, the grass was damp from rain or from drunk guests spilling their drinks; he didn't know.

He saw you almost instantly. He's always seen you, really. Atill liked to believe that the first time he noticed you was the beginning of him always noticing you.

To him, you stuck out like a sore thumb. You were always there in the background, but really the main part of the event for him always would have been you. How could it be anyone else?

"Your name? What are you doing here?" the brunette called out, inching closer towards you every second till he stood next to you.

"Oh, you know, I'm just sitting here enjoying the atmosphere," She responded. She wasn't really lying. It was stuffy inside, the air choking her, taking its sweet time till she couldn't bear it anymore. Or maybe it was the white-haired male dancing with her. He really looked like he didn't want to be dancing with her.

Which made her wonder why he even bothered asking her to dance in the beginning.

"Why did you dance with him?" Atill asked, kneeling till he reached your height as you were sitting on the bench, his full attention on you.

"'Cause he asked me to? Don't tell me you're angry I danced with him," Your name scoffed. If he wanted, she thought he could have asked her to dance himself instead of getting upset about her dancing with others.

"Maybe," he whispered, causing the girl to somehow frown even more than she was frowning internally. "Well, your majesty, you have no right to be angry because someone danced with me had you wanted you could have asked me to dance not just sit there like a decoration."

"You're right, but I couldn't ask you when the Bharat brat had gotten to you first," he replied, now frowning as much as you were.

"So, cornering me in the garden was your only approach?" she spoke after an eternity.

Atill shifted, his forehead pressing against yours. "You're going to ruin my hair, Atill. Go away before I kick you."

"I'm sorry, your name. I really desperately wanted to dance with you. I wasn't fast enough, but I very badly wanted to," he whispered, meeting your eyes.

"Will you dance with me tomorrow then, your Majesty?" Your name asked.

"Of course, I will," Atill answered.

[voiceofthesilly]

Hullo! For the Scarlet Hollow ask game:

5, (the MC one, you’ve told us a bit about them but I’d love to hear more), 8, and 13

5.

Oh boy nothing i enjoy more than talking about my guy >:]

I do have a few mcs, but my main one is Sly, the worst guy you've ever met

His normal playthrough traits are Keen Eye and Street Smart, I just started a hardcore one with him though with extra Book Smart

He's a first year associate in a big law firm in Davenport, Iowa. Would leave tomorrow if he could — he might be good at reading people, but he's so focused on good impressions that he never really connected with anyone. So pretty much he's just spending all his time in a shitty job, sleeps two and half hours during the week and the entire day at weekends, and has no family or friends other than Truck. The first half day he spent in the Holler he almost considered moving there as soon as he paid off the debt. By now he's a wreck questioning all his morals (doesn't help that he was best at finding loopholes to let employers get away with shit! If he survives this week, as soon as possible he's switching to help the employees. Totally. Uh huh) and just generally trying to figure out if the two deaths that already occured are more of his fault or some outside force. He even stopped wearing clean clothes for gods sake. Will have to change that though because pretty sure those are a bit bloody now. From the matricide

It's uh. More complicated now

My other mcs are:

Cain [it/they/he] (dedicated hardcore mode guy), with mystical, powerful build and street smart traits. They live in a shack in someone's garden and don't know what it's studying at the community college . I think . It's been a moment . He prides himself in being sort of an asshole but they do ultimately do the right thing whenever it's possible

Ashton [she/her], powerful build and booksmart, lives in the flooding basement and works in a chain coffee shop. She'd love to move somewhere closer to nature, but for now La Crosse has to do — especially since she's already made plans to leave with Kaneeka

Last one is Seraphine [they/them] and they're my official asshole playthrough I just started. Speak with animals and hot combo, they do whatever is most entertaining to them because honestly if you speak with animals that's clear sign you're god's favourite. Unfortunately I feel bad about being an asshole so haven't gotten to the living situation yet

8.

For now — first episode Duke or Gretchen. That's mostly bc I played with a bunch of buddies after my first playthrough, so I've seen the aftermath of some decisions before I had to make them myself

In my original playthrough I only really had to make that first choice — keen eye spared me the mines (tbh would probably be harder for me), and bc rosalina was uninjured i didn't really feel it's crucial to save her house . And episode four I went in blind and really thought I could fix him (spoiler alert. Bad idea). So I didn't take the tranqulisers to not break Reese's trust, and just sorta didn't have a choice at last

A strong contender would be episode four in my latest playthrough though, I technically knew what was gonna happen but man locking him up sucked

13.

Just the pretty obvious ones tbh — the church and Tulip's imaginary friends being important, Avery's party going to shit, maybe perhaps a seal in the Tremaine household, since it was featured in the historical buildings

[vore-scientist]

Hey, reading through your stories, and i see a mix of both male and female preds, so just wondering, do you have a preference? Also! no pressure of course, but have you ever considered making a "masterpost" With links to all your stories?

I'll answer second question first bc the first question will have... a lot to it.

Masterpost: Anon you reminded me I need to update a thing. that thing being the Original Works page of my blog: https://vore-scientist.tumblr.com/mine that page is meant to be a directory of my works. but i haven't touched it in years. If you are needing a way to get all the Mystic Woods content in post order (not chronological) this link is your best friend: https://vore-scientist.tumblr.com/tagged/mystic+woods+story/chrono

To answer your first question: preference?

This probably has a longer answer than you want to read so I'll give you the short version and also have a long version

Short Answer: I have no preference! I dont care what gender characters are! And I'm actively trying to use more female giants in my content because i like giants of all genders and there is a lack of them in non-sexual GT-vore content.

Long Answer (or: a short history lesson on WHY female preds, in non-sexual GT-vore are rare. And also why female giants in general are less common in the GT community as well. Dont take these things are absolute fact, it is what I observed and experienced in the last decade of being in the community)

So when i first discovered GT (and eventually GT-vore), the majority of content with female giants/preds was extremely sexual/very blatant to extremely explicit fetish content.

This was back when i was... 16... so. 2011... the big hub of the GT community was on deviantart. And the most active and thriving corner were dA groups that forbid content with female giants which was unfortunately necessary. Otherwise group mods would have to be denying submissions of fetish GTS content which 1) would be a waste of their free time and 2) would mean seeing a lot of SEXUAL content they dont want to see!

I also did not want to interact with the micro/macro GTS fetish community so as a defense, I, and MANY MANY OTHERS, made content that centered around male giants near exclusively It wasnt a preference, it wasnt a choice, it was the way to stay safe. These groups had the best and largest curated galleries of safe GT content, but of course it was all male giants. It also PISSED ME OFF because i liked writing giants as a species which necessitated giants of all genders (though the male-giant exclusive dA groups were usually understanding of content with larger casts of characters as long as the main giant was male). Still, the fear of the GTS stigma made me also "prefer" male giants.

Now apply all this about the GT community and apply it to the GT-vore community.

It has only been in recent years when I have seen people less hesitant to have female giants/preds and like me, put in effort to make female pred/giant OCs and content and the community is much more supportive and not as averse to interacting with the content put out with said characters.

Fighting the fear of GTS stigma has been tough but the community is healing.

(now of course some people do prefer a gender but for the dA groups the group rules made it clear that part of the exclusivity was to avoid fetish content. Also how do i know? Well check out this group: https://www.deviantart.com/gt-central. look at the Rules and Group Info posts. I'm very familiar with the group's co-founders who all LOVE female giants, and are more open about that now. That group was founded by a gay man (who is an absolute gem btw) who saw the other side of micro/macro where male giant content was all super nsfw/cruel and majority of dA groups were saturated with that, but it became a haven for those who were avoiding explicit GTS content, i confirmed this with one of the co-founders, that she was hesitant and worried about the idea of making/sharing female giant content! )

(AND AGAIN: what I am saying is not subjective facts. it is the GT / GT vore community as i have observed and experienced in the last 12 years)

[aquilathefighter]

Trope Game

Hiii i finally have spoons for this!! thanks for the tags @seiya-starsniper @immacaria @altair214 <3

Rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 -> very dissuaded

0 - don't care either way

+10 -> very enticed

nope -> if it's a hard no and you'd never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you'd insta click out of the fic if it wasn't tagged

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it's conditional.

Age gap: +3

its a sometimes food for me, i just have to be in the mood for it or it has to be well done, whether it's clear we're playing in the space of sexy fantasy or something a bit more unethical

Codependency: -5

brings up some yucky feelings for me. if it's done by an author i trust i might still click though!

Obsession/Possessiveness, jealousy: +4

it can be sexy and i like when characters talk through it

Opposites (grumpy/sunshine etc): +8

*gestures at most of my favorite ships*

Enemies to lovers, Enemies with benefits: 0

eh just not really my thing!

Friends with benefits: +4

its a fun thing and i love a pwp where they're just buds. but i do really prefer more romantic pairings personally

Sex to feelings: +7

love the exploration of what happens when it becomes not 'just sex'. also smut yummy

Fake dating/relationship: +10

oh my god this is my favorite trope e v e r. the number of spirk fics where they have to pretend to be bfs/husbands bc of the aliens i've read..

Friends to lovers: +9

CLASSIC. i love a beautiful foundation of two people who really know each other well realizing their affection for each other have evolved into something different!! only knocked off a point bc sometimes its really amatonormative in that the romantic relationship is seen as more/better than the platonic relationship and i do not vibe with that.

Found Family: +1

i could take it or leave it for the most part but if it's done well its certainly appreciated!

Hurt/Comfort: +10

afjdskaf;jsda i dont even have an explanation other than i like to hit characters with hammers and then nurse them back to health

Love Triangle: -8

i just think its kind of played out and very rarely do the dynamics catch my interest

Poly, open relationships: 0

i tend to get really fixated on one pairing so its kinda hard for me to get really excited about them?? all the power to poly ships but i just have very few of them (e.g. mcspirk)

Mistaken/hidden identity: +3

it can be fun! love some drama but if its simply misunderstanding i get a bit frustrated. more phantom type hidden identity pls

Pregnancy: -1

kidfic is generally a squick for me on account of me never wanting to get pregnant in my entire life ever and some personal stuff, but if its more about the relationship between the pregnant person and their partner(s) i'm down! and breeding kink ofc, thats a whole other thing

Second Chance: +7

people who have history between them giving it another try? trying to move past the ways they hurt each other??? yesssss

Slowburn: -2

this is more about the fact that i simply do not have the brain power to read 100K+ fics a lot of the time!! when i do have the capacity i love reading a slowburn but unfortunately i expend a lot of reading spoons on work on account of being an academic at all

Soulmates: -4

man im such a pessimist but i personally find the idea of predestined people you're gonna fall in love with kind of depressing? much more a fan of love being a thing you create between people

i am probably the last one to do this XD take this as an open invitation if you would like to do this game and haven't been tagged!

[hua-fei-hua]

Hello again it is still me i finished reading the annotations for "pure identity"!!!!! (im a slow reader, i know)

Oh god, please, please, PLEASE tell me u have annotations for ur other stuff as well!! It's not a want, it's a need. I need to pull apart every individual wrinkle in ur brain. Im sorry, i sound so insane rn but ur fic has genuinely got me feverish. Besides the fact that it was utterly perfect the annotations added even more enjoyment, from the lore callbacks (which are insanely underused imo when it comes to venti specifically) to the style (the double parentheses especially got me feeling like a loose tooth), to the explanations of the the thought process!!! It was just so so good!! Everything was so enhanced by the annotations i feel like im going a bit feral. I loved every little explanation and history of the draft. Thank u!!!!!! Thank u for writing it in the first place, thank u for sharing it and thank u for opening it and urself up so much through the annotations, i genuinely have no words, this has been an Experience and i feel changed ahshwhhshahwhajjsha

((Also, I think I'm envious of you, a little bit. It's so clear how much you love your writing. I haven't been able to write myself in years but this is the first time that I've missed it so painfully. Your writing is beautiful and it will haunt me.))

funny you should mention the annotated version bc i actually made it for another person who was driven mad upon first reading it (hi, artemis!!). it was a lot of fun to make, since pure identity is a fic where i put a lot, a lot of thought into almost every single word i wrote, which was in no small part bc i wrote it as an homage to an anime which changed my life w/o me fully realizing it until years later (flip flappers).

i~~~ unfortunately only have annotations for some of my other fics. it's a lot of work to annotate a fic the way i did pure identity, esp after the fact (rest in pieces that one multichaptered bnha fic i wrote back in 2018 that i never finished annotating in a similar way…), so i usually have better things to do than go back n chat abt a whole fic from start to finish from scratch (esp. since most people just comment on their favorite lines or moments n i get an excuse to talk abt the thought processes n history going into them :3), but there are some which do have annotations archived!!! most notable would probably be for the birds, since what gets archived are just all the notes i make to myself as i'm writing each chapter lol.

still, it feels great to know that the annotations were such a hit!!! i don't hear abt people reading them often (let alone hear their thoughts after the fact, if they get around to it at all lol), but i like doing them anyway bc they tend to attract the type of thoughtful person i prefer to be around hehe.

plus, it's fun to hear authors dissect their own writing!!!! n you're so very correct that i love my own writing dearly. i worked hard to get to where i am now, n pure identity was written in the thick of my most recent major growing period as a writer, so the incredible feedback on it has always meant a lot to me.

i often view my fics as like… performances of sorts, in a sense, probably bc i did competitive speech (under humorous interpretation) back in high school. by the time i reach the end notes, there's a sense of being breathless in the spotlight (bc "if you're not sweating by the end, you're not doing it right"), bc if i've done my job right, then the audience will have forgotten that the character was never real in the first place as they watch it drop away and meet the actor underneath for the first time.

i think pure identity was the first time i started to feel like i was executing my job at a level i had previously only dreamed of.

((i once stopped writing fic altogether for a year bc someone said to me, "who would ever want to read something you wrote?"))

((i hope that you, too, will be able to someday write again.))

[canonicallyanxious]

Got a lot of free time on my hands rn [who could say why...] so i put a bit of effort into this year's top 10 lists by which i mean i stole canva's assets for myself and rubbed my gay little hands all over them pls enjoy

absolutely did not have braincells for a proper movies/shows list this year but i will have a special shows-adjacent list out at... some point idk

Full lists along with notes/ramblings under the cut:

Favorite 2023 Album Drops

10. Cherish - Vacationer

9. Phone Orphans - Laura Veirs

8. Praise a Lord Who Chews but Which Does Not Consume; (Or Simply, Hot Between Worlds) - Yves Tumor / this album is gender and no i will not be offering further explanations at this time

7. Red Moon in Venus - Kali Uchis

6. My Big Day - Bombay Bicycle Club

5. Metro Boomin Presents Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse - Metro Boomin, various artists / specifically the deluxe version which has some personal faves the og doesn't, like take it to the top and infamous

4. Unreal Unearth - Hozier

3. The Age of Pleasure - Janelle Monae / full disclosure this one is so high on this year's list because watching them perform this live did rewire my entire brain

2. The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We - Mitski

1. Javelin - Sufjan Stevens / the vinyl for this album comes with an art booklet made by Sufjan that includes 10 mini-essays about love, and reading them for the first time felt like putting my heart in a fucking blender. [you can also read them all here for free if you feel like doing that to yourself tonight]

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

SOS - SZA / the greatest mistake of my life was leaving SOS off my 2022 album list and it will forever haunt me. unfortunately it was also a big grower for me and was released too late in the year for me to realize its genius in time. can't put it on my 2023 list either but pls know it is number one album of the year. in my heart

Soft Machine - Arlo Parks / i think this could have ranked higher had i managed to get around to checking it out when it actually dropped but unfortunately my dumb ass didn't catch it until v late in the year so there you go

House of Groove - Roche Musique / compilation so technically there's a bunch of artists on this record, found this one a little late in the year but wanted to shout it out bc i really enjoyed every track i heard off of it, no small feat

Sorry I Haven't Called - Vagabon / i have no excuse or explanation for this exclusion, there were simply too many records i loved this year

Favorite 2023 Song Finds

(note: per tradition, not confined to 2023 releases, just bops i listened to for the first time this year)

10. So I Danced - DPR IAN (2023) / i forgot to include the year in the graphic and i am too lazy to change it soz

9. Angelina - Milo Korbenski (2021)

8. No Good - Young & Sick (2019)

7. Better Now - SebastiAn, Mayer Hawthorne (2019)

6. Liquid Love (Mr Jukes Remix) - Billie Marten (2021) / one of those remixes i like better than the og, and to be clear i like the og quite a lot. also as i was putting together this list i learned that Mr Jukes is actually the name of the solo project of Bombay Bicycle Club's lead singer so like the more you know!

5. Hair Receding - Xenia Rubinos (2013) / i heard this song for the first time in December which usually would put it at an unfair disadvantage compared to songs that i've had the full year to get attached to but listening to it shook my molecules so vigorously i had no choice but to put it on this list

4. Zero (JID Remix) - Newjeans (2023) / look i am fully aware this song is a blatant kpop ad for coke zero and the chorus literally translates to "coca-cola is tasty / coca-cola is tasty" but that doesn't mean it isn't a BOP. another remix i prefer to the og, i think jid's verse and subtle production tweaks really elevate it to something i never want to stop playing when it comes on

3. Been Thinkin' - Hikes (2019) / or: my most played song of the year! don't examine what this probably reveals about the state of my psyche too closely!

2. I'm Your Man - Mitski (2023)

1. Bruises - Angel Haze (2015) / though i was genuinely v surprised this one did not make it onto my spotify top 5, considering every time it came on this year a fugue state did overtake my whole body and did not dissipate until i had played it at least another four or five times

[yrbutchgf]

do you have a resources written by femmes about being femme? or do any of your followers?

persistence, all ways butch & femme (ivan coyote, zena sharman) -- free epub available

s/he (minnie bruce pratt) -- minnie bruce pratt has also written other things, so tht's a good general author rec

lesbian fashion struggles (caroline earleywine) -- book of poetry

Visible: A Femmethology, Volume One/Two, an anthology of poetry written by femmes

brazen femme: queering femininity (chloe brushwood rose, anna camilleri)

femmes of power: exploring queer femininities (del lagrace volcano, ulrika dahl)

some articles i ran into in the resource & reference sections of my servers -- jsyk, i can't verify all of these are written by femmes specifically, but they seem interesting!

the evolution of femme -- a historical essay on the usage of femme as an identity in the lgbt community. note: as this contains references to historical sources, outdated language that could be offensive today is often used, especially around trans identity but as well as the q slur, f slur, and d slurs.

In this project I hope to explore the evolution of femme identity and the changes it has gone through from the middle of the 20th century until now, and I argue that femme is a term that has history in many parts of the LGBTQ community. Some themes I will be discussing include: - femme as a lesbian/sapphic identity - femme as a trans identity - femme as a gay male identity - femme as it intertwines with class, race, etc. - femme as it has been appropriated by cishet society and the conflict surrounding who is "allowed" to use the term. I will also be discussing my own experiences and my opinions on this subject.

contemporary understandings of femme identities and related experiences of discrimination. note: frequent use of q slur.

the bisexual to be corrected: interrogating the threat and recuperation of women's femme bisexuality -- from the summary, "in this project i seek to explore the ways in which women's performance of femme bisexuality constitutes a threat to existing regimes of gender and sexuality in the west." note: use of q slur.

here's also a post by one of my mutuals on her own femme identity as a nonbinary bi femme!

these are all i could find from my servers & the stuff in my femme tag. hope these help, and anyone else with recs, please drop them in the comments/reblogs!

[luvxiem]

the stars aligned for us

word count ! 【idk】idk【idk】 pairing ! luxiem x gn!reader (separately) genre ! fluff, mild angst on luca's part summary ! different soulmate au tropes w our faves bc i'm weak and love self indulgence 🤭 soulmate aus my beloved cw ! non-explicit violence/injuries on luca's part notes ! this was written on my phone so sorry for the uggy formatting and any typos 😭💔 btw tysm for 100 followers 🥺🫶 i appreciate y'all lots for enjoying my shit LMFAOOO it's just me projecting on here but i'm glad u guys enjoy it anyways when u wanna read a fanfic so bad but it doesn't exist yet so u gotta write it urself also kindred plz don't kill me for calling vox an asshole i meant it endearingly (insert "'i hate him' while putting up his picture" meme here)

.｡.:*☆ IKE EVELAND !

TROPE: SEEING COLORS

ike's world has been black and white for as long as he could remember

his friends have always told him how beautiful everything be came after they made eye contact with their soulmate for the first time

despite them trying their best to describe colors (what does a "warm" color even look like anyway?) it was hard for ike to really care

after all, how can you miss something you never experienced?

but more than seeing colors, the novelist just wanted to meet his soulmate

it wasn't that he was lonely; ike had his fair share of relationships in the past with others like him (those who haven't had the chance to meet their soulmate just yet, but wanted to date anyways)

however being a writer comes with a certain sense of romanticism and a lust for life, and ike was no exception

he's always loved the thought of meeting someone who was perfect for him in every way; a person who he could be his honest self around and love with all his heart

this is why when he suddenly started seeing colors he never could've imagined on a busy sidewalk, he immediately started scanning the crowd for you

he spotted you under the canopy of a nearby cafe. you were looking around with clear awe on your face, mouth slightly agape as you took in the new world around you, not even noticing the grumbles of passerby who narrowly avoided you.

you looked almost ethereal in your (now known as blue) button up, the sunshine leaving your skin in a warm glow. the gentle breeze ruffled your hair just right, and the novelist couldn't tear his gaze away.

as much as ike wanted to admire his new view too, he was more focused on making sure he didn't lose you. he's thought about it countless of times—dreamt of it, even—of somehow meeting his soulmate and losing them right away, never to be seen again. ike's lost enough sleep over it and he was determined to not make his nightmares a reality.

pushing past shoulders with rushed "sorry's" and "excuse me's," ike rushed to get to you as quick as possible; and soon enough, he was now standing face to face with you—the person who would become the love of his life.

your gaze fell onto him and an unspoken realization was met. you could feel it to; the ecstasy blooming in your very core at finally meeting your other half.

"hi," he breathed, a broad smile adorning his face. "i think i'm your soulmate."

.｡.:*☆ LUCA KANESHIRO !

TROPE: MUTUAL PAIN

woe is the soulmate of a certain blonde haired mafia boss

injuries came with the job, unfortunately, but the soft-hearted man couldn't help but feel sorry for his soulmate

luca knew some most of his injuries weren't normal. civilians don't get bullet wounds in their arm or knife slashes to the chest

did his soulmate worry for him? or were they wishing they weren't fated at all? as much as it hurt, luca couldn't find it in himself to blame them if they did

the small pricks he felt on his fingertips from presumably paper cuts can't compare to literally getting stabbed in the back

eventually it came to a point where luca tried to stop going outside altogether

he can't obtain any further injuries if he's always at the base, right?

but that fantasy couldn't last forever.

the one day he had to be escorted to a different location, him and his guards got ambushed

luca was the only one who got away, but not without sustaining a bullet wound to his shoulder

it wasn't as bad as it could've been but it still hurt like a bitch

stumbling into an alleyway, the blonde collapsed next to a dumpster, creating a loud thud that echoed into the night

luca was ready to rip off a piece of his shirt to wrap his shoulder when suddenly a bright light momentarily blinded him

standing a little bit away was you, pointing your phone flashlight on him while gripping your shoulder in your other hand

"so you're a med student?" luca asks, gritting his teeth when you dab at his bullet wound with rubbing alcohol. tossing the cotton ball, you reach into your first aid kit for gauze.

"yeah," you say quietly, starting to wrap his shoulder. the blonde frowns noticing how you refuse to meet his eyes. he opened his mouth to say something but you beat him to it.

"i chose this path because of you." at your words luca's eyebrow raises in question. you finished wrapping him up and now rest your hands in your lap, fiddling with your fingers. "you got so many injuries growing up and i didn't know what to do. i was worried you didn't have anyone to help you so i wanted to learn how," you explain quietly. at this the mafia boss's gaze softens.

"how'd you know? that i'm your soulmate, i mean," he asks. reaching up, you gently grazed the large scar on his abdomen with your fingers.

"i recognized your injuries," you said. luca shivered at your touch, raising his non-injured arm to cover your hand with his.

"i'm glad i ran into you then, soulmate."

.｡.:*☆ MYSTA RIAS !

TROPE: COUNTDOWN TIMER

mysta's known since he was five that he had a soulmate, just like every other five-year-old in his class

but there was one teeny little problem

ok actually it was a major problem

his timer seemed to be broken

instead of the few years or days or months like his friends had, his timer was set to decades

because of how long his timer was set for, mysta was teased mercilessly for "having a soulmate who doesn't even want to meet him"

this followed him for most of his youth until eventually he covered up his wrist and tried to forget about it alltogether

if he wasn't going to meet his soulmate until he was old and gray, why should he even care

that was until he fell through that damned portal and landed in 2022

he noticed it after he got out of the shower, spotting his wrist in the mirror while brushing back his hair

mysta's mouth dropped open in shock, dropping his arm to gently run his fingers over the numbers

the timer that was the bane of his younger self's existence was down to the hours

the detective was antsy, understandably.

a lifetime of thinking he wouldn't ever meet his soulmate suddenly turned into meeting his soulmate in twenty minutes. mysta wasn't sure what to do, how he should act. should he go outside? he should, right? how else would he meet you?

filled with a newfound sense of determination, mysta grabbed his keys and darted into the london night.

there was hardly anyone out this late; maybe his timer really was broken? what were you doing out at one in the morning, don't you know that's dangerous? who knows what kind of dangerous people were prowling outside right now.

mysta started walking briskly toward a more crowded area of the city. if he had to meet you, it would be somewhere safe.

settling on standing in front of a pub he's been to a few times with friends, the detective started counting down the minutes till he would meet you. he kept glancing at his wrist, watching the numbers go down one by one until there was only a minute left on the clock.

mysta tapped his foot impatiently as he glanced left and right down the street until suddenly, he felt the lightest tap on his shoulder. he spun on his heel and low and behold, there you were.

grinning, you spoke.

"nice to finally meet you, soulmate."

and mysta couldn't be happier.

.｡.:*☆ SHU YAMINO !

TROPE: SWITCHING BODIES

in all honesty, shu couldn't care less about having a soulmate

the idea of the universe choosing who he would fall in love with didn't sit right with him

not to mention how frustrating it would be sometimes when the two of you switched bodies at inconvenient times

like in the middle of one of his experiments

or when he's talking to one of his fellow sorcerers

or how about that time he was meditating in a lovely, perfectly quiet room for the first time in ages as a way to destress only to suddenly wake up in your body in the middle of a bustling city

yeah, shu wasn't all too happy about it, but what can he do?

so while all his friends were out actively searching for ways to meet their soulmate in person, shu was directing his energy toward mastering his powers instead

but the thing about having a soulmate is that you can't exactly reject them altogether

they're your soulmate for a reason, after all

so despite his resistance, the purple sorcerer found himself falling for you all the same

he grew antsy at particularly long periods without switching and eventually started leaving notes behind for you for when you would eventually switch

including a bright purple post-it with an address and a time and date

shu sat inside the cafe anxiously, bouncing his leg under the table while sipping his drink. he hoped that his note was obvious enough that you saw it the last time you guys swapped bodies, but how could he know for sure? you didn't leave a reply on his note, and the swap period was rather short that time too.

minutes passed the written time and the pounding in shu's chest grew louder and louder in his ears. he looked up at every tinkle of the bell above the door, hoping that it was you only to be disappointed when it wasn't. he kept glancing out the window rather obsessively, and soon enough his cup was empty too.

after 40 minutes had gone by, the sorcerer had just about given up. letting out a disappointed sigh, he rose from his chair to leave his tray and finished drink on the counter only to pause when the bell jingled one last time. shu looked up on instinct and his breath got caught in his throat.

in the doorway was you, slightly sweaty and definitely out of breath, looking frantically around the cafe before your eyes landed on him. shu was still holding the tray in his hands when you ran up to him, still in shock at seeing you in the flesh for the first time and not just through a mirror.

"h...hi..." you stutter, gripping the strap of your tote bag tightly in your fists. "i'm sorry i'm late. but i'm so glad i found you." shu broke out of his trance and smiled, setting the tray back down on the table.

"i'm glad you found me too."

.｡.:*☆ VOX AKUMA !

TROPE: FIRST WORDS

fitting for a voice demon that the first words his soulmate says to him is permanently printed onto his skin

"you're gonna have to try harder than that if you wanna impress me, pretty boy" decorated his ribs under his right pectoral

now vox knows he's hot

he's well aware of the power he holds fucking asshole and uses his charm and good looks to his advantage

the demon spent most of his early years dropping one liners and introducing himself with various pickup lines in an attempt to find his elusive soulmate

and many have tried to pretend they were his fated one but they never succeeded

after the death of his clan and being transported to the future, it took vox a long time to feel ready to find his soulmate again

slowly he started visiting pubs and parties in an attempt to socialize

it was at one of these parties that he met you

beer in hand, vox pushed past a group laughing with each other in the hallway to slip out onto the balcony. he was hoping to get a chance to breathe and get away from all the sweaty partygoers, but there was already another person out here with him. figuring it wouldn't hurt to say something, the demon let a familiar smirk slip onto his face as he approached you.

sensing his presence, you turned your head to look at him in curiosity, fiddling with the many rings on your fingers.

"why hello there; what's a gorgeous person like you doing out here all alone?" he drawls, sliding up next to you. a breathy laugh escaped your lips, dropping your head to your chest for a moment before you looked back up and meeting his gaze dead on.

"you're gonna have to try harder than that if you wanna impress me, pretty boy."

at your words vox faltered, the smirk falling from his face as his lips parted in surprise. the skin where his soulmate mark was seemed to tingle.

it seems like you figured it out too; your eyes widened and suddenly you were tugging your shirt up to show a matching tattoo on your ribs. you let the fabric fall back down and looked back up at him, a softer smile now gracing your features as vox reached over to intertwine his fingers with yours.

"would you look at that," you laughed happily. "guess you really did impress me, pretty boy."

WRITTEN ! 080222

[latimeria-fell-from-heaven]

so i just read up some more lore from shining nikki regarding us the player, as well as how certain characters are able to react/interact with us when we access their reflections. and i got some more ideas for us, the player, and our relationships with some characters.

spoilers below!

so according to a spoiler that another tumblr user spilled tea on and from what i've searched around and seen in-game, we are literally miraland's deity of styling and beauty, which is incredibly interesting, bc it opens up a lot more questions and possibilities for us in the game. i myself actually haven't gotten this far yet in the game, so i can't say exactly clarify.

but just imagine that us, the player, had actually been transported back in time before nikki, and we were our own person, like being able to be seen by people, able to freely go anywhere we wished and just lived however we could. of course, depending on the context on how we were sent back, we could be very much aware of us being a deity but just choosing to live normally, or we have no idea and just try to live as normally as possible.

the thing is, we came across the characters that we would later interact with at nikki's side, only they are much younger and still not the ones who we will either be fond of or despise later on. and of course, they're at the point of their life where they've nearly begun to be shaped into the person they will become later. but we get summoned at the gate of heart and into nikki's subconscious, resetting our memories completely and we only remember our life alongside nikki, and we forget the people we cared for and aided in miraland.

also wanted to focus on our two most favorite antagonists in the game, so feel free to send in more ideas for other characters if y'all want to,,,

with mercury, you didn't see the shunned half-elf half-human prince that was a living sin and abandoned by god, but only a young man who deserved kindness and love, regardless of his mixed blood. you didn't mind his cold exterior, it was to be expected considering the unfortunate treatment he'd been put through. you only offered a smile and a warm hand, following him around, and offering your company.

you'd met him on one of your many secret adventures into the forest for...ahem..skinny dipping. it was summer, it was hot as hell, and also you had always been wanting to do it forever, and there was no better time than under the sweltering summer sun.

it was near a derailed subway car, which you'd find yourself sitting in and drying off, even with the shattered windows, the torn cushions and the vegetation that wormed its way in. not that you cared, it was like your own mini house to retreat to and hideaway from the outside world. the lake was pretty, crystal clear, unlike the ones back on earth, filled with gunk, pollution, and murky water that made you unable to deny the thalassophobia that built up in the pits of your stomach.

and it was extra pretty at night when the fireflies would try and find love, lighting up the night sky in glowing brilliance and casting their bright glow on the lake surface. and you'd been swimming, and had surfaced from below, watching in awe at the bioluminescence from underneath the water andー

there he'd stood, seemingly having stumbled into your hidden oasis, and a few feet away from where you'd stood, water dripping down your bare body and the glow of the fireflies perfectly outlining you from behind.

ahー

" yo," was all you said, before crouching down and fumbling your soaked hand in your bag, before finding the two things you'd stolen from somebody's porch.

" wanna smoke?"

he later apologized for seeing you, but you didn't even really care much yourself. it was an accident anyways, and he didn't seem like the pervy typeーmuch too serious and a buzzkill anyway. he seemed to be wanderingーsearchingーbut he was still distant. he said his name was mercury, after some pestering on your part, and you'd remarked about his being named after a planet. he only spared you a glance, but simply sat there as you attempted to smoke for the first time. you could barely get the lighter to work until after a billion tries, and the silver-haired man just sat there, occasionally glancing at you struggling. he eventually helps, silently holding out his hand and lights it on the first try. you feel a vein pop.

" hey mercury?"

"...mm?"

you turn to him, shifting on your bottom until you face him completely, mercury eyeing you down all the while.

" wanna be friends?"

"......"

his brows furrow and he's stuck with that expression.

" ..weirdo.."

"h-hey!"

and your days together are spent like that, with you constantly badgering him and consistently annoying him until he finally relents and turns his eyes to you. mercury always calls you weird, but never cruelly, just simply, and you daresay fondly. it had gotten to where if you arrived late to where you'd always meet him, he'd look cross, arms folded as he stared you down. damn, he was always so good at being so freaking intimidating, and he knew it.

"....what are you doing?" mercury asks, his voice flat and his posture stiff. " hugging you, duh!" you simply say as you gently embrace him. he's obviously taller than you, so you made sure to, as you'd always put it, ambush him at the right time. and that right time had been when he'd been sitting down. he stares up at you, the bright you, the you who always made it your mission to visit him as much as possible. the you who gently held him and stroked his silver locks with care, even going as far as to brush over the ears he'd grown to hate, like a butterfly's wing. " you don't have to hug me back," you whisper, uncharacteristically so," just wanted to hug you."

"..."

he raises his arms, stiffly, before he wraps them around your torso, his hands lightly gripping you, and his handsome face is pressed against your chest. it's silent, perfectly so, only filled with yours and his soft breaths.

warm...

your grip begins to loosen, as does his, and you smile once more, like the weirdo he knows you to be and you make the suggestion to go have a walk in the woods and try and find any flowers you like. he only sighs, but he still accompanies you, silently following like he's your shadow.

so warm....

but-

one day you never show up. mercury figures you're too busy getting distracted since he's personally witnessed your ability to get distracted oh so easily. but he gets tired of waiting, and goes out to look for you before he finally leaves.

but-

nobody knows you.

he asks the café owner that you'd always spoken so fondly of about you, but she looks confused and asks 'who?' and looks at him strangely. or the small, hidden away clothing shop and its laid-back owner who had loved your arrivals, but he looks confused as well, asking mercury if he's mistaking you for someone else. or the quaint little bookstore you'd frequently drag him along to and the hours spent scouring books wrapped in aged covers. but the bookstore owner frowns behind her dated glasses, and once more, asks 'who?' and even asks him if maybe he has the name wrong. no...no, he has your name right, he has your looks memorized by heart, and he knows what places you'd visited frequently.

is this some kind of joke? he wonders, but the genuine confusion and reactions of those shopkeepers say otherwise. this can't be right, all of those memories he'd shared with you were real, his mind is perfectly fine, he didn't dream you up. the necklace you had cherished greatly that rests within a hidden pocket on his suit, it's so plain but looking at it brings back the thought of you. even now, as the founder and president of his own organization, with so many options at his disposal, no one has ever heard of you.

it's like you'd never existed in the first place.

he then bitterly wonders if this is god's way of tormenting him, of taking away one of the few good things in his life and leaving him all alone again. he cruelly laughs and smiles to himself, finding himself all alone once again. and so he begins to hate the idea of you, believing that you'd abandoned him and coldly ignoring any thought of you. but a part of him can never truly bring himself to truly despise you because you had given him the warmth he'd wanted, the embraces he'd long since ached for. and so his silent cycle began, looping between betrayal and longing while pushing it deeper and deeper down.

haha.

--

you'd discovered qin yi by himself one day, sitting beneath a tree while rain pours down heavily onto the earth and drowning everything with cleansing water. he had looked half near dead, with his eyes blankly staring at the ground in front of him - they made him look so lifeless and like he'd seen so much - and it makes you pause. you'd been buying ingredients to try and make mousse cake when it had started raining. you'd thank your ass that you'd decided to bring it along, while silently cackling at the people who'd gotten rained on.

" are you okay?" you extend your umbrella to cover him enough while keeping yourself partly dry. he looks up at you, his dead silver eyes boring into your very soul, and you shudder from it. " hey...you okay?" you repeat, your brows furrowing in concern, seriously, wasn't he freezing?! he only stares back, eyes stone-cold and expression flat save for his parted lips, like he'd been trying to puff out hot breaths to warm himself up. you shift your grocery bags onto your shoulders as best you can and shift the umbrella onto the other hand. seriously, didn't anyone see the poor guy? if he didn't die of hypothermia, he'd probably succumb to the elements, and you were not in the mood to see shit like that again.

" c'mon, let's go," you bend over, reaching and grabbing his soaked and freezing cold hand and pulling up. you don't get far, because his grip is so feeble and like a dead fish handshake and he doesn't lift himself off the ground. you blink, once, twice, then an exasperated expression slides onto your face. you take in a deep breath, count to 3, and use all of your strength to lift up the black-haired man before you. he grunts in surprise, and you vaguely see his eyes widening before returning to their monotone expression before. " let's go, you'll die out here my dude," you grunt, juggling your bags, the umbrella and now this guy who's wet clothes are soaking into yours. you can feel a shred of your sanity break - these were your nice clothes dammit.

" c'mon, let's get you somewhere warm before you kick the fucking bucket," and with that you practically drag him back home, ignoring anyone who still lingers in the streets and gives the two of you odd looks. can't people mind their own business when you're trying to keep someone from freezing their ass off?

he says his name is qin yi, although he says it quietly, and for the first time he shows something akin to emotion in his face. he had soon developed a fever, which didn't surprise you in the slightest, but what had surprised you was how he'd treated his own sickness like he was so used to being stuck with an ailment like this. he says it's nothing compared to where he came from, but you just tell him to shut up and let him take your bed. he does try to protest, but you just shove another spoonful of warm chicken broth into his mouth and he shuts up.

you spend a few days like that, taking care of him, feeding him foods that are easy to swallow, and the occasional spoonful of medicine that you bought the day after bringing him in. he no longer protests, but mostly spends his time staring at you whenever you enter the room with that blank stare, asking for any types of entertainment you may have or sleeping through his fever.

" what were you even doing out there dude?" you ask while gingerly handing him the bowl of broth, which he graciously accepts - he's strong enough to hold the spoon now - and qin yi pauses, spoon barely grazing his now smoothed lips. his lashes flutter as he turns his head to look out the window. you cringe internally, realizing that you'd probably asked a sensitive question and pried into something you shouldn't have. you pause, before placing the soup on the dresser next to the bed, his eyes shifting back because of the delicate sounding clink that arises with it, and his silver eyes widened when-

you rest your hand on his black locks, and you gently ruffle his hair, brightly and tenderly smiling. " it's alright qin yi, you don't have to tell me anything," you say, before pressing the flat of your hand against his lukewarm forehead, and dramatically hum. " hmm, temperatures' going down, that's good..." you murmur, chuckling gently before handing him the bowl and silently sitting.

he doesn't seem to mind your company or you having to take care of him, although he seems a bit flushed every time you insist on pampering him. qin yi doesn't seem to be used to having someone pamper him so, but you don't take no for an answer so he just has to deal with it.

" sooo..."

" hmm?"

you heave a sigh, closing the book as you turn your companion that gracefully sits next to you, his silver eyes already glancing at you. your expression is flat before it becomes mischievous.

" y'know you drool in your sleep right?"

" ghhh-?!" qin yi chokes, his once placid expression twisted into a grimace. he gives you a look over, but you simply blow a raspberry at him and go back to reading the book you'd randomly picked out. you flinch when you feel his slender fingers graze your head, but he holds up a petal from the magnolia tree above and you hum your thanks.

" hey...."

you perk up when you hear his smooth voice call out softly and put the book down on your lap once more.

" why did you help me? " he asks, his face still, yet wavering with all kinds of swirling emotions behind that mask he always wore. you gazed back, a calm expression painted on your faceーyou swallowedーand let the loose strands of ( hair color ) hair blow into your face and fly wildly about.

" well, to be honest," you sigh," i don't really know qin yi." to the naked eye, he doesn't hold any reaction, but you can see him slightly deflate.

you continue," but, i guess...i just really wanted to make somebody feel loved. i think...i wanted you to feel warm and alive," you sigh in content. being emotional and shit like this was not your forté. you open your eyes to see qin yi, but this timeー

he's has a gentle and minuscule smile on his lips.

" ghh, don't look at me like that, i suck ass at emotions and all that crap," you grumble, slapping the book on your lap closed and abruptly standing up, shaking yourself off to shake loose any magnolia petals. you skip on the back door and vaguely hear the black-haired male getting up and following close behind.

" c'mon, let's go make that mousse cake."

" haha sure."

when he decides to leave, you are a bit upset, because you'd grown to enjoy qin yi's company, and how he'd described his dreams of becoming a designer. you weren't interested in that career entirely, but you still cheered him on, encouraging him and even adding in your input occasionally. he didn't seem to mind at all and seemed to enjoy feedback, and from what you could tell, he wasn't so used to positive feedback.

" now you take care of yourself, okay qin yi? so help me if i see you on the streets again-"

" pfft-!"

qin yi stifles a snicker behind his sleeve, before waving you off, assuring you that he'll be fine, and that he really will be an amazing designer. you smile up at him, pat his shoulder and wave him off, to which he takes his leave and walks awayー

furtherー

further.

" hey! "

"wh-oomph?!"

he grunts as he feels your arms wrap around him from behind, nearly dropping the food bentos you'd given him.

" i'll miss you qin yi," is all you whisper, pressing your face into the new and silky outfit he wore. he freezes up, seemingly not knowing what to do about the sudden physical contact.

" -e too," he barely whispers, before stiffly hugging you back. you internally chuckle at his awkwardness, but just let the moment happen. -ike..

" well, off you go!" you cheerily say, unwrapping your arms from around his midsection and playfully shoving him to the gate, qin yi stumbling all the while.

" it was nice knowing you!" you finally say, grinning as wide and bright as you can before turning your back to him and clambering back inside.

his silver eyes stare blankly at the place he'd been welcomed into, had been treated kindly without any expected payback, and-

you were warm.

liked it...

qin yi became a big hit, the designer in Cloud that everybody talked about, the one the girls fawned over and men wanted to become.

so when he conveniently makes the trip back to that neighborhood, he expects you to be there, to still be the same weirdo and warm person he'd known for such a short yet warm time. but

you don't exist.

the house isn't there, now much larger and fancier houses sit there. even the magnolia tree with its pale petals and soft scent has long since been uprooted. maybe you had moved, so he uses the shady connections and information he has at his disposal, but they come up with nothing. hell, even they don't know who you are and seem to question the designer himself.

he's quiet but seems to be withholding emotions behind that perfect mask of his. he's changed, he isn't the same he was when you'd first met. he's two-faced, manipulative, and cunning. but a part of him wonders if you've been watching him from the shadows, watching him become a bastard that betrayed everyone at his disposal, and carrying a mask to charm those around him.

would you still love him then?

heh.

--

you yawn aggressively, stretching out your arms as you waltz down the cobbled street, the sky a deepened violet of early morning. it was one of your first times being away from nikki, having figured out a way to separate yourself from her side. she was asleep, way too tired to even accompany you, not that you minded.

you didn't need sleep, being attached to nikki and all, but you liked to do it, made you feel more human and not some emotionally constipated ghost person. there were few people out, being that some jobs would require them to come in this early, and you grimace at it. your eyes flit over to your right, and you see the still illuminated lights of a park, the dim lights making it look mysterious and inviting. you glanceーleft and rightーbefore you walk in with a " hehe."

it's not that bad, you can't hear your own footsteps despite it being so quiet, and there's the occasional chirp of crickets around you. your eyes catch a wooden bench, aged slightly but still smooth and fresh enough to sit on. you let out an " oumphf!" as you plop down, your hair flying in your face, and immediately you relax. a firefly buzzes in front of you and you reach a finger out to touch it, but the insect flies away before you can, and you hum in disappointment. it was nice and quiet, and you don't have to worry about any unseen threat or anyone that makes you wanna punch 'em right in the face-

crunch

you stop swinging your legs when you hear the crunching of leaves and foliage from something or somebody's foot. you take a quick glance around, but you don't see anything. you sigh, laughing nervously as you edge closer to the end of your seat, instinctively ready to bolt. you may be invisible, but a part of you instinctively responds to everything around you as if you really are there.

" .... "

you feel a disgusting shiver go throughout your body as you slowly turn your head to your right.

he's right there.

your breath stops in your throat and you feel yourself choke on air as you feel his eyes pierce into your very being. you abruptly stand up, standing in a defensive position while getting ready to run as fast as you fucking can. he takes small steps forward until the light above shines down perfectly on his body.

you can see a small smile on his lips, although it looks way too unhinged and excited for someone like him. he opens his mouth, lips curving upwards,

" i finally found you..."

" wh-what..?"

you shudder at the tone of his voice, the way his eyes glint in the dim light, and the way he smiles down at you. soー

you run.

or rather, you try to.

you near scream when you feel his hand grip your wrist, hard, as he yanks you back to where you stand. you hit and scratch at his hand, trying to get him to let go. " you bastard, let go!!" you yell, still violently trying to get away. he doesn't even flinch, his face now stoic as he silently watches you struggle like a fish out of water.

" relax, i'm not going to hurt you," he simply says, like you had asked him about the weather. you feel a vein on the verge of bursting from sheer anger, frustration, and fear. " fuck you!!" you aim your free hand at his jaw, but he just catches it, and you shudder when you realize he has a strong grip on both arms, and he doesn't seem to want to let go anytime soon.

"mnnfff-?!"

you grunted when you feel his arms snake around your bodyー

and he hugs you tightly.

" where did you go...? i tried looking for you," he whispers, his fingers digging into your back as his voice becomes deeper at the second question. you can't even respond, you're too frazzled and confused. why was he hugging you? what the hell was he even talking about in the first place?! why was he acting like you even knew each other.

" why did you disappear like that...?"

huh?

your mind stops and hones in on that question. what the fuck did he mean disappear? you didn't even know him!

" l-let me go-!"

you kick your knee up into his crotch, and he groans loudly, keeling over as he groans from the pain. his nails dig into your skin, but it makes his grip loosen just enough, and you don't waste a second.

you fucking sprint, dodging past the brush, and clambering over the fence that surrounds the small park, leaving the man you utterly despised in the dust. he doesn't bother to chase you, and when you glance back, he's stopped groaning, and he's standing upright, staring you down expressionlessly, but he has a knowing look like he knows something that you don't. but a part of him looks disappointed, almost betrayed by your actions. you don't care.

you wanted more than anything else in the world to punch him, hit him, strangle him because of the hell he'd put you and nikki through. you wanted to scream and wail at him while clawing at that stupidly handsome face of his, you wanted to rip and tear him apart until there was nothing left.

you fucking hated him.

he stands still, expression unreadable. his lips are pushed apart as he seems so surprised, shocked even. before a smile yet again spreads on his lips.

he found you.

he finally found you, the you who'd been one of the few who'd ever cared and befriended him, the one who hadn't cared about his past, and one of the few people in his life he could recall without having any bitter feelings or harsh memories of.

he lets out a low chuckle, before turning back with that same amused smile and leaves the park. the sun has long since begun to rise, spilling into the city.

he was looking forward to this.

[luffysbasement]

didn't realize my last one was that long. Geez (this one is also fucking long, bare with me)

I feel like ever since elementary, all our teachers liked to talk about how the opposite of love isn't hate (there was even a text during 6th? grade about this whole thing.)

Tbh I haven't looked much into lore so I only know the gist of it(I'm such shit, but I know I will have literally no time to study if I get invested in the dsmp) so there may be wild guesses here and there down below.

The way Quackity's expressions ranged from stoic to a weirdly kind smile to aggressively scary and ruthless, it's all just so.. *gestures wildly with hands because I have no words* ..angsty. The grip on Dream's hair like he wants him to listen carefully but he is losing all patience and sanity and sympathy for Dream. The crazed look from Quackity(his last block) is just so cold and bitter and kind of filled with self-pity, like he's been there before (I actually don't know if that's the case lmao) it's the look from textbook villians(I know he's not one) when they become insane and starts spilling all that they know in the most poisonous way possible.

Also, again, last block giving me chills. Sapnap's glare and George just walking away with absolutely no care and no desire to turn around sums it up beautifully. Good work, really really beautiful.

-✗

putting this on read more bc i will be ranting LMAO. buckle in, this will be long.

thank you!! :] i absolutely love seeing people see how i organized the colors and panels to be the way they are. and the expressions as well, i had fun making those!

i really like this one bc its short but it goes pretty deep into the lore. i had to think about the flow of the panels and the colors and poses of the comic since its only 3 pages and i dont have much to tell the message aside from those things asgssdfgh

i originally saw the concept (opposite of love isnt hate) from a tiktok HAHAH i dont think weve ever tackled that in literature or anywhere at school unfortunately :(( im a big fan of metaphorical/poetic statements too. tho its technically logical, but weve been so used to hate being described as the opposite of love that its just mind-boggling for me to hear that lol

i actually understand you lol im currently done with school at the present moment but a few months ago i barely even posted, even more drawn anything bc i was so busy with school. since youre still not done, good luck with that!!

but oh lord am i a hoe (a WH**E) for lore.

ive thought of this for a long time now but i just had to urge to get to drawing it when my twt tl starting going deep into c!dream's lore.

i just ABSOLUTELY love lore revolving around the dt. (maybe because im more attached to them whoops)

its just so fascinating to think about. (everything onwards is /rp and /character) also, you said youre not that caught up with lore so if you dont get these things or dont wanna bother/get spoiled, you can just ignore it lol i just really needed to rant about his character thats all, needed to get it off my chest phew

dream from the start had a plan: make everyone on the server hate him and build a prison for someone so strong it'll be needed. for me there is no way he was talking about tommy or techno then. no way.

he definitely had a fall to corruption. what he did with tommy during exile, that one is inexcusable ofc but the other things??? destroying the community house, siding with techno during his arrest, even destroying a whole ass country (this one might just be him reaching his limit against lmanberg, being the first and basically only country to defy him sm and stuff)

its weird and interesting in a way. what he did, the destruction, telling everyone he has no more attachments, not even sapnap and george, putting george on the throne then dethroning him not long after-- all these things just seems like it's part of his plan you know???

but like, what for? why? what does he want? earlier in the smp, he just wanted to build a home for them, one that will grow and be beautiful (theres a certain tiktok edit of this one, i am going to cry) he was such a good guy in the earlier days, he just wanted to take care of the server and take on the responsibilities expected of him but it just all... fell?

but even then, from the start, i cant help but think that he was already alone. sure, he had sapnap and george and the others but after everything: after sapnap was so quick to jump on tommy's side after ONE thing that dream said in the heat of the moment to threaten tommy (the 'i dont care about anything' bit), not trying to clear it up with dream and with george being so quick to side with other people's statement (dream dethroned him bc he hates him, etc) than dream's own (to protect george), its just so sad. not to mention even before everything, those two formed new nations without dream before; while dream was fighting for his own alone, they didn't really care enough. they did this again, with kinoko kingdom but tbf, the destruction of the community house felt like the end of the greater dream smp.

its just... sad and tragic, his whole character. his life is like the joker, baby. BAHAHAHA

anywaaaays

sorry about that, the c!dream apologist in me needed to breathe

glad you think its beautiful hehe <3

[tardytothepardy]

Fruits Basket - Vol 17

I am,,, confused. Thoroughly. Did I read this too fast? Am I misunderstanding? This book felt like a series of "What? Huh? What? Huh? What? Whuhh?? Huhhhhh?????" and I am kinda bewildered.

So let's talk about it,,, somehow.

It starts with Shigure and Hatori talking about Akito's meltdown at New Year's, and how apparently Shigure tried to comfort Akito, but Akito was having none of it. The topic of Kureno came up, and how he just seems off, disconnected, in a sense, and also how Akito seems to have chosen Kureno above all the other Juunishi.

Panning over to Kureno, in the previous book Momiji gave him the CD of the play, "Sorta Cinderella". He seemed pretty affected by the things that Uotani said, but they also reminded him of moments with Akito, when he was younger. He calls Shigure later, asking for Tohru, which Shigure finds odd. What business would the two of them have? But it turns out that later, Tohru does run into Kureno, on her way to the store. She was squatting next to a bunch of birds, and when he showed up, they flew away. This is important at all, because that isn't what usually happens to the animals that the Juunishi share a spirit with (agh how to phrase things), in fact it's the opposite. Tohru asks Kureno about this, and then he solidifies any questions by hugging her and,,,, nothing happens. Somehow, he isn't affected by the curse. It has no hold on him, he won't turn into a bird (I suppose a rooster, specifically, which is kinda sad bc I was looking forward to that, in a little way. It'd be funny, if nothing else) if he gets really weak or sick, or if he hugs someone of the opposite sex.

Tohru asks him how this happened, and when, but Kureno doesn't really know. It happened randomly one day, a while back, but he has no idea was triggered it. It's just that, one day, he was vibin, doing his thing, and it just happened. No one else in the family knows, he's just been pretending that he's still a Juunishi. Kureno also said that he can't be with Uotani, that the CD was a wasted attempt, because he's promised to be with and take care of another person, that person being Akito. Kureno makes it clear, though, that he still does care for Uotani, but he just can't be with her. This whole time, it's been switching between the current interaction between Kureno and Tohru, and flashing back to when Kureno first realized that the curse broke for him, and Akito was just fucking losing his mind, screaming and shit. He begged for Kureno to stay, regardless of the curse (btw, at this point, Kureno's a teenager, and Akito's still a little kid, so it was a little while ago), and Kureno said that he would promise to stay with Akito, stay by his side, pretend that he's still a Juunishi, etc.

And then, at the end of the chapter, something is revealed: apparently Akito's a girl. To be honest, I'm not really sure what to do with this information. As far as I can remember, it doesn't really have much to do with anything. Why has he (she? fuck. I have no idea.) been presenting as a boy this whole time? Because his mom forced him, since he was born. Why did she do that? I don't know, it didn't say in this book. Hopefully it fucking clarifies later on, because I'm just getting vibes from that one Insidious movie, with that ghost/demon person. Wasn't that their deal? Something like that. Reversed, but something like that. Idk, I was too busy being scared shitless to think about the intricacies of the plot.

Anyway, so Akito's apparently a girl, but has been raised as a boy. Four of the Juunishi know this: Shigure, Hatori, Ayame, and Kureno, because they were all kids when Akito was born. Apparently, when Akito's mom (her name is Ren) was pregnant with Akito, they all came to her and were crying and shit, acting super weird. Like, they all just knew that Akito would be the God.

As a fun side note, Ren and Akito fucking hate each other. Just,, so much. Is there a person in the Sohma family that doesn't have familial issues, because it just seems like there are a lot of people who do. I think maybe Kagura doesn't? I haven't seen anything saying she has issues. Nothing much has been said about Shigure's, Hatori's, or Kureno's families, so maybe they're okay? I dunno, but one of the things that specifically shows up between Ren and Akito, is that Ren does not believe in the "bond" that Akito and the rest of the Juunishi have, saying that it's a fake love, that, if given the choice, the Juunishi would not behave or treat Akito the way they do, which is kinda true. From what I read about when Yuki first met Akito, there were a lot of conflicting feelings, ranging from "I hate you but also I never want to be away from you" to "This is hell on earth just being near this person but also to be away from this person is agony", and like, whoa. That's a lot. I doubt it's like that at all anymore, but there has been some mentions that Akito does have some higher hold on the Juunishi than other people do.

All this said and done, I still want to know more. I am heavily curious. I'd like to know more about Akito's whole situation. I'm glad he's not just a one-dimensional "bad guy", but dang, some of this stuff, it just feels like it's coming out of left field. (Is that a baseball thing? That sounds like a baseball thing. Idioms are weird.)

By the time that Kureno leaves, Tohru's a wreck. She's crying, and confused, and just,,, yikes. (I kinda was too, but just the confused part.) And so who comes to the rescue than Hanajima, and also Hanajima, but the small one. (I realized recently that most of these people are referred to by their first names, except for like, Uotani and Hanajima, which makes sense. A massive swath of these characters would all be "Sohma". It'd be confusing as fuck. But still. Idk) Hanajima felt Tohru's sheer confusion and despair, and Megumi tagged along because why not, y'know?

Hanajima decided that Tohru would stay with her for the night, so that she and Tohru and Uotani could all talk stuff out about what Tohru was upset about. Unfortunately for Shigure, Yuki and possibly Kyo? I don't think he was home at the time but maybe??, that meant that Tohru wasn't making dinner. So Yuki potentially gave Shigure and himself food poisoning, but hey, it's better than takeout, right? (Seriously, Tohru's back must be tired from cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and dealing with everyone's emotional baggage, she's doing so much. And she still has her own personal shit that she does, like,,, how hasn't she lost her shit yet??)

Tohru says that Kureno was kind, in that he was looking out for other people's feelings and wellfare before his own, and Hanajima says that she (Tohru) does the same thing (which is what Uotani first saw in Kureno, and why she thought that he was like Tohru), but Hanajima worries that the more that Tohru does that, the more that she carries the worries and troubles of other people, it could end up hurting her. (We love a caring friend that cares) In the end, Uotani tells Tohru that it's okay, that she cares more about the relationships she has now than whatever she might have had with Kureno, which was nice.

Moving onwards, the school is making preparations for graduation! I don't think Tohru and Co. are graduating quite yet (maybe they are idk), but there are these paper flowers that they're making, and for some reason, shenanigans ensue. Like, a group of girls just nabbing a bunch of flowers that Kyo made?? Why? That's really weird of you to do. Stop that. (They were tracked down and forced to make up for all the flowers they stole, because for some reason they wouldn't give back the flowers they stole.) It's kinda weird, I forgot that Kyo is also kinda popular with girls, because usually we only hear from the girls that fawn over Yuki. But yeah, that's a thing for Kyo, as well. Weird, either way.

Now we are at the last chunk of the book, hooray! This isn't as long as the previous one 😬. So, Shigure and Akito got something weird going on. I'm not really sure what to think of it, honestly. Apparently Shigure slept with Ren, and Akito kicked him out of the main house as a punishment, which Shigure did not fight back at all. (wow that was not a large section at all i totally didn't just lose steam and stop right there at all nope not me i don't do that not at all)

I'll admit that part of me is still kinda,, squeamish? I guess? about people in the Sohma household being in relationships, it's just that they all have "Sohma", that is probably messing me up. Idk. It's definitely not a healthy relationship. All kinds of weird tensions and miscommunication abound. It's not a good time.

[ziracona]

Could you elaborate on that Gordon fan theory about him being an inside mole? I haven't heard of it before and it sounds intriguing. Plus ever since the small reference to him on the memorial in ILM, I've been wondering what your thoughts were on how he ended up

Oof, okay, buckle up. This will be the abridged version but that’s still gonna be long. (Don’t read if you want to avoid spoilers for the Saw franchise).

So, in Saw, Gordon is a fkn anomaly to most of the fanbase. Becuase he has a wildly solidified character. You watch Gordon & Adam both go through three different character arcs back to back, and trauma bond, and the second to last scene in Saw is this fkn devestating & beautiful one where—let me back up. So. Quick Saw summary. Two people wake up chained by the ankle to pipes in a small nasty abandoned bathroom with a corpse on the floor between them. They’re each left a tape recorder which tells them why they’ve been targeted (Gordon because he doesn’t value life enough which is evidenced by...? — real reason is he’s literally just the unfortunate Doctor who told John he had Cancer, and John Kramer is that petty of a stupid bitch. & Adam is grabbed becuase...Literally he didn’t even bump into John Kramer or something. The guy took him because he’s a starving early 20s kid who is a photographer, and John thinks his occupation & he are pathetic. I’m not joking. Or exaggerating. This is quite literally the given reason for torturing & killing Adam being fine to John). Anyway, Gordon’s wife and like 7 year old daughter have been kidnapped and are being held at gunpoint. Gordon is told that if he finds a way to murder Adam by six (poor Fkn Adam is 6 feet away & hears this whole tape) on the clock, they and he go free. Adam is told if he can stay alive until after six, he wins and can go free.

They spend then the remaineder of Saw trying, like you’d hope good, decent, or even medium or somewhat shitty people would, to help each other escape, rather than Gordon trying to kill Adam at all. They attempt to fake Adam’s death & fail bc they didn’t realize their shackles were wired & they could be zapped, which makes playing dead really hard. Initially they are frustrated by each other, especially Gordon, who is an adult & levelheaded, by Adam who is young and jouvenile and freaking out & being a pain at first, but they bond through attempting to escape & to figure out what’s happened to them, and also learn more truth about each other. Meanwhile you also get backstory on Jigsaw & the case, and follow Detective Tapp’s story through a few investigated murders, the loss of his partner, and to where he is following Gordon, whom he is convinced is Jigsaw, now. Back in the bathroom, Adam and Gordon reach 6 on the clock, and Gordon gets a phone call where the man holding his wife at gunpoint makes her tell him he failed his game & now she and their daughter have to die. His wife bites the man’s hand, and they fight, but all Gordon hears is screaming in his wife and child’s voices and gunshots, and he has a mental breakdown believing they’re being murdered on the other end of the phone. Then is electrocuted. Adam flips out and tries to throw small stones at Gordon’s body to wake him up, terrified he’s dead, and succeeds. Adam is overcome with relief, but Gordon has a full mental breakdown, almost having died and believing his family is dead, then swapping immediately to denial and convincing himself it’s not too late and he can still save them. Adam tries desperately to apologize and calm him down, then to in horror talk him into stopping while he watched Gordon begin to saw off his foot (Adam was given a saw for this purpose too, but his broke early on before they realized the saws were meant for their feet instead of the chains). Gordon does not stop, and Adam watches in horror as he cuts off his foot, crawls to the gun the dead body on the floor has been holding, and puts the one bullet he was given into it. He tells Adam while crying and breaking down that he’s sorry but he has to die he has to save his family. Adam begs him not to shoot, but he does.

Meanwhile, Bc he’s staking out Gordon’s home, Tapp hears shots, runs in, and is able to chase off the killer and save Gordon’s wife and daughter. He pursues the killer to the meat packing plan, where he is ambushed, struggles, and then is shot in the stomach and left for dead. The man, Zepp, makes it to the bathroom where Gordon tries to shoot him with the bow empty gun & screams at him for what he did to his family, who he still believes are dead, then breaks down crying again. Zepp takes out a gun and tells him he failed to kill Adam by 6, so he has to die. Gordon asks hopeless why, and he tells him those are the rules, then goes to shoot him while Gordon tries to shut his eyes and brace for death. Adam, who is not dead, grabs Zepp’s feet and drags him down in a surprise attack, rips the toilet bowl lid off the toilet, and beats him to death with it, saving Gordon, who watches in shock and then crawls over and puts a hand on his shoulder and gets him to stop beating the dead corpse. Adam is wounded & criying because gunshot wounds fkn hurt, & Gordon tries to comfort him. Tells him it’s just a flesh wound—it’s his shoulder—he’ll be okay. Just keep pressure on it. He has to go get help. Adam begs him not to leave him alone in the bathroom, but Gordon says he has to or he’s going to bleed to death (which is incredibly visually apparent). Adam tries to keep him, then watches him crawl and pleads for him to wait and asks if they’re going to be okay? Gordon tells him “I wouldn’t lie to you.” and gives him a reassuring smile while half dead and crawls out to look for help. Adam is left alone and searches Zepp’s corpse for keys to his shackle, then finds a tape exactly like his & Gordon’s. He plays it, and realizes to his horror this man Zepp was another victim, not Jigsaw. He was poisoned and told to kidnap Gordon’s family & shoot them both & Gordon if Gordon lost to earn an antidote, or just accept death and refuse to participate. While the tape plays, the corpse in the room with them stands up, and Adam realizes to overwhelming horror it has been alive the whole time, and it is Jigsaw, who wanted a front row seat to their torture, suffering, and death. He tries to grab Zepp’s gun & shooot him, but Jigsaw/John electrocutes him w a remote (the shackles are wired) and leaves, congratulating him on winning & telling him where his key is (it got flushed down a drain when Adam woke up, which John no doubt planned), then telling him “Game Over” and locking him alone in the bathroom because John’s a fake ass piece of shit who doesn’t even keep his promises & let the winners go.

The end scene between Adam and Gordon is phenomenal & heart wrenching (Saw is an amazing character piece of a film, & the first film is the reason it became a modern horror staple! Watch here if you’re curious! :’-]

While Gordon does eventually, under extreme duress, shoot Adam, he never wants to kill him, and they are definitely close by the end of the film (which is clear both from the way they treat each other, and their more decisive actions, like Adam risking his life to save Gordon after being shot by him & never seeking recompense for the gunshot, Gordon trying to help Adam & comfort him as well as get help for them both). This is the central relationship of Saw 1, and it’s really well done.

Then, in Saw 2, there’s just no mention of Gordon going back to save Adam. We wonder what happened, until Amanda & Danny stumble to the bathroom form Saw 1 & you are greeted by Adam’s decaying corpse still chained there. It’s later revealed that Gordon escaped the bathroom, cauterized his wound on a hot pipe because he knew he was going to die otherwise, then passed out from pain. John found him and took him to his workshop, where he nursed him back to health & gave him a prosthetic leg, before convincing him to join the team.

Understandably, this did not sit well with any of the Saw fandom. We fight about all kinds of stuff, but the one thing I’ve like, never seen disagreement on, is that it makes no fkn sense for Gordon to betray Adam like that after how close they were, and it makes even less sense he’d willingly join the man who super tried to murder his wife and kid. If it wasn’t for Tapp and Adam, Gordon, his wife, and his child would be dead now. John endangered all 3 intentionally, and did not save or spare any of them.

Still with me? So. Because of that, people started digging. Now, out of Jigsaw’s apprentices, Gordon is the only one who never takes a very active roll. He did not run games or kidnap people. Becuase he was a doctor, John called him in to do medical work for tests, such as sewing a key into the eye of the man from the cold open to Saw II. The only active work he takes is catching Hoffman at the end of Saw 3D & locking him in the basement, which John asked him to do if Hoffman killed Jill (which Hoffman does). This together with Gordon’s character led to a massive fan theory. Let me try to break it down.

After Saw 1, Gordon joins a support group for Jigsaw game survivors, and returns to his family. We get very little info about him period until Saw 3D though. However! Pre Saw 1, Jigsaw basically never lost, the cops never even got close. Suddenly after Saw 1, the entire gang falls apart, starting with Amanda and John, then finally Hoffman & Jill. In Saw 3, it’s revealed Amanda went back to the bathroom to kill Adam when he survived his test. She promises she’s there to help him when he wakes up scared and half dead in the dark, and then puts a plastic bag over his head and smothers him while he fights. This lead to a fan theory that Gordon went back to save Adam once he could (able to walk & not being shadowed by Jigsaw), but was too late, and decided to take revenge very carefully. However, Amanda has a shit track record of thinking she killed someone & not checking for a pulse (see Eric Matthews, who she thought she beat to death), so the even more popular theory is that Adam was not dead by the time Gordon got to him, and Gordon saved him and replaced his corpse with another. This theory is backed by the fact that Adam was shot in the shoulder, but when the body is seen in other films, it is both too decayed to be recognizable, and the gunshot wound is in the stomach (where Tapp was shot). Furthermore, when Amanda & Danny find Zepp and “Adam”’s bodies in Saw 2, Zepp, who was already partially bald, still has hair, yet Adam’s corpse is completely bald. The shackle is also on the wrong foot now, which would indicate it was removed and then replaced by someone in a hurry. Now, obviously it’s possible this was just a continuity error, but given that Saw usually has a good track record with continuity (and uses them a lot for big reveals), that gives more weight than usual to the theory.

So, this led to the idea that Gordon was able to either save Adam, or at least remove his body & bury it, replaced it with a fake (possibly Tapp? but considering the bodies wouldn’t be decayed enough for the skin to be missed if he did it when Adam was alive or in decent preserve even, and Tapp is considerably taller, I’d assume he, as a doctor, didn’t have too much trouble stealing a John Doe cadaver from the hospital) corpse in Adam’s clothes, then agreed to help Jigsaw becuase he was smart enough to know if he didn’t play along, John would kill him (he would, and has. He never lets people with dangerous information go). John also tends to have failsafes in place, like “if Gordon betrays me, kill his daughter” kind of stuff, so the theory is Gordon played along to keep his family safe, instead of going to the cops, since he knew at least Hoffman worked for Jigsaw already, and there might be more plants, and did his best to engineer the breakdown and eventual demises of the whole team from Saw 1 on. (Was the one who gave Hoffman the idea to threaten Amanda or the info to do it, intentionally failed to protect Jill from Hoffman to have an easy excuse to kill/see both dead, etc). Makes double sense if Adam was alive, becuase if Gordon revealed himself as mole, first thing Jigsaw & co would check is what else he messed with, and they knew he was close to Adam.

There’s a lot more details to it, but that’s the short version. Most people I know in the Saw fandom ascribe to it in a weird kind of “Look I know it’s probably just inconsistent character writing and in that case fuck Gordon he can go to hell, but since I truly don’t believe Saw 1 Lawrence Gordon would do this & there’s enough evidence for reasonable doubt, I choose to believe the convoluted theory that makes him make sense & also means Adam could maybe be alive” way. Including me. If Gordon really decides he has no issue with John after what he did to him, his baby girl, Adam, and his poor wife, joins him willingly & helps, then he’s as bad as Amanda & Hoffman & fuck that guy. But since the characterization doesn’t match /at all/ & there’s never an explanation given, & fan theory makes more sense, I tend to think of Gordon as if the fan theory is right? Although if you don’t & thus hate Gordon, 100% respect. I just cannot watch Saw 1 & believe Lawrence would join up for any reason but revenge & long con to keep family safe. I mean, he tried to kill a /friend/ to save his family. You’re really going to try to convince me the man who cut off his own foot by hand to try to save his wife and daughter would ever be cool with or forgive the man who tried to execute them for no reason? Uhhh, to quote Dr. Gordon himself,

I mean.

💁🏻‍♀️ You can’t convince me the man this hellbent on destroying the man who was threatening his family did not make him pay, and just decided to be pals. You can’t. It’s inconsistent writing. :’-] anyway, there’s other info too—one of the disguised figures who helps Lawrence take out Hoffman is the exact height Adam was, the plastic bag from Amanda is gone & the corpse in a different position, etc—been like 2 years so I don’t even remember it all, but it’s very fascinating. & that’s the short yet somehow still too long version of the Gordon theory I definitely did not proof read at all for which I apologize! It’s more convincing than I write it I swear I am just exhausted. :’-] But yeah, most saw fans ascribe to it, which is why we all seem to still like Gordon, and he’s so often shipped with Adam, both of which would probably otherwise seem massively confusing. Hope it helps!

(Oh! & in ILM, since i ascribe to that theory, I wrote him that way. Failed to save Adam, buried his body, then took slow, careful revenge on Jigsaw & co. to keep his family safe. Knows there are deaths he is not blameless for becuase of that, and is full of guilt over wondering if going to the police wouldn’t have saved people, even if he had understandable doubts & reasons for what he did. Is especially guilty for Adam’s death. Seeks to make reparations slowly his own way. [tho also soemtimes secretive characters lie to me until it becomes necessary for me to know, so it’s possible Gordon saved Adam & is hiding it, but given the whole gang is dead, I don’t know why he still would be, so I think ILM verse all he could do was bury the body]).

[wizardstudy]

Second Year of Uni!!

so i was tagged by @felix-studies for this meme and ur supposed to tag 5 other studyblrs but i literally do Not know that many studyblrs that HAVEN'T done the meme so let's go

Courses

my college has changed things up a bit due to current events, so some of my courses are online and some (the morning ones) are lectures 😔 i'm at the maximum number of credits allowed by my uni, and if i could take more classes (one-credit private music lessons) i would. as is i'm probably going to be putting in two or three additional hours a day just practicing for the one-credit class i DO have, but here we go

Bio Concepts w/ Lab (lecture, 8am lab, needed for prereqs)- 3 credits

Chromatic Music Theory (lecture, first class of the day EXCEPT on Thursday, love the prof)- 3 credits

Chromatic Music Theory Skills (online, coreq for theory, still probably gonna be in the music hall more often than not)- 1 credit

Elementary Latin (lecture, already have the textbook, mad hype)- 3 credits

Guitar Ensemble (lecture, kinda scared of the prof even though he's a chill dude bc i have a lot of room for improvement in guitar and it sucks to disappoint him)- 1 credit + practice time

Intermediate German I (online, prof is cool, does not require a textbook)- 3 credits

Soc & Anthropo Linguistics (online, love the prof)

because so many of the classes are online, hopefully i won't completely die during midterms and finals week like i did my first semester.

scheduling

my lecture classes are all early-ish in the morning, except for ensemble, which is in the evening. unfortunately my bio class is right after my theory & skills classes, so i cant just skulk in the music hall practice rooms last semester. hopefully i CAN snag a locker for my guitar so i dont have to drag it all over campus like That Guy (i was That Guy last semester). bc i'll be up earlier, i'll be able to do my online studies earlier in the day too, which is good. my music and german professors adjusted really well to the online curriculum, so i don't expect any problems on that front, but I Can Work With even professors that are allergic to the online platform my college uses. i'll be living on campus because Most of my classes Are lectures and my uni is a solid two hours away from home, and frankly NO 8am prerequisite lab is worth that.

Life Outside of Studies

i JUST got done with two online summer classes, so i have a solid MONTH to relax and recoup before the 18-credit fall grind. i've been healing really well from my top surgery, so my surgeon has cleared me for swimming and working out again 🥰

i'll be using my free time to read for pleasure, catch up on some TV shows (i watch at a GLACIAL pace), get back on the guitar-practicing wagon, and do some knitting and crochet.

speaking of crochet, i'd like to show off the wizard hat i made for funsies back in may! it's a pattern of my own design, and future versions will have wider brims (i ran out of yarn rip) but it holds its shape really well without felting or extra reinforcement!

any college is wizard college with the appropriate headgear!

[haithamuse]

nice that you are doing alright !!! so am i 🥺💖 also btw i kinda forgot to reply to that last post of yours about LL 74 omg but yeah haven't played ffxiv in a hot minute (aka a few days) and i have yet to see most of the stuff from the live letter but i saw some stuff they added like the timers for buffs being seen in the party list and magical/physical damage being obvious now✨ which is the BEST fr. also GL W THE CLEARING THE TIER!! & m super excited for the new ult even if i'm def not doing it yet LMFAO ^^ and omg i see !! a pretty name for a pretty bun fr >;] 💘 (SORRY IF THIS ASK IS LONG... i wanted to reply to that post of yours yet it has been a few days already sobs so)

omg DONT apologize !! i love seeing u in my ask box and it's ok if it takes u a while, ur not obligated to answer in the first place <3

i'm glad ur doing alright hehe <3 personally i haven't watched LL 74 as well, though i've read a short summary of it! mainly just abt the PLD changes and the upcoming stuff... BUT BUFF TIMERS??? AND MAGIC/PHYS DMG INDICATORS?? AM I DREAMING???

since i've started healing this tier, that is fucking AMAZING and now i don't have to use plugins for the buff timers anymore lmao 😭 i am SO looking forward to that.

im pretty excited to see what the new ult is gonna look like, but it's highly likely that i won't be doing it bc i just don't have the time unfortunately :< i was thinking abt looking for a casual TEA or DSR static after we clear the tier, but ionno... i'll see how i feel then!

[dramayeoja]

Goblin ❣︎ 도깨비

Kim Shin, an undefeated war general, is ultimately killed by a jealous young king named Wang Yeo. After death, Shin is revived by the gods—but his revival is by no means miraculous. He becomes a 도깨비 (dokkaebi, goblin), and is cursed. He will have to pay for all the lives he took in battle by living alone in immortality, witnessing everyone he's ever loved, die. Remaining lodged in his chest is the very sword that killed him. There is only person who can see that sword, and draw from his heart so that he can finally rest in peace: his bride... whom he's yet to meet.

Things get spoilery under the cut—you've been warned! ;)

Chipper, yeah? Haha so, right off the bat, the premises of Goblin remind me of like, a much more morbid version of the legend of King Arthur. You know, a man draws a sword from stone to prove himself the greatest king in all of Britain? Yeah. Just to be clear: this is a good thing (imo). Like, I personally think this is just such a cool idea for a drama 😍

Let's jump right in. I'm gonna be honest and say that, at first, I felt a little turned off at the female lead, Eun Tak, being nineteen (in the beginning of the show), meanwhile the male lead, Shin, is 900+ years old (but physically looks to be in his thirties). It just... rubbed me weird. But hey, the Twilight series (both the books and the movies) is exactly the same—high school girl, century-old man, bananas yet somehow romantic storyline... And I loved me some Twilight as a young adult. So I mean, I have no right to judge, really. Plus, Eun Tak soon turns twenty anyway. So that's an improvement I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️ We follow her character into her late twenties, nearly thirty. So things are definitely fine by then haha! 👍

Don't let that previous bit make you think I didn't enjoy Goblin—I LOVED it. That detail is just a lil funky to me, is all. Back during my Twilight obsession days, I was nearly twenty myself, and the thought of being pursued by an older man was exciting. Hell, I mean, it still is! But now that I'm two years shy of my 30th Birthday, I feel differently sometimes. I think, LAWD get that girl away from that man, she too young for him LOL. I am definitely getting old... Enough about Twilight now, apologies! I'm only using it for the sake of conveying similarities seen in Goblin 🙏 Let's talk cast!

Kim Go Eun as Ji Eun Tak and Gong Yoo as Kim Shin

Eun Tak is a bubbly young woman with limitless energy! While still in her mother's womb, Mama Ji was involved in a hit-and-run incident which, sadly, took her life. During Mama Ji's dying moments, she prayed to anyone above that her child's life be spared. Sat on a rooftop from afar, beer in hand (lol), Shin hears her prayers, as he is a god of sorts. He appears before Mama Ji, and shows mercy to her unborn baby. Eun Tak grows up with the ability to see/speak to ghosts. Said ghosts tell her constantly that she is the goblin's bride. How do they know? A strange birthmark on the back of Eun Tak's neck tips them off. Eun Tak unfortunately was taken in by her abusive bitch of an aunt, who jabs Eun Tak every chance she gets. Her cousins are assholes. Eun Tak's aunt really only keeps her around in hopes of collecting Mama Ji's savings (intended for Eun Tak) one day. Sad, right? I mean, isn't Eun Tak being born without her mother enough as it is? Life can be so cruel 😔

Lee Dong Wook as Grim Reaper/Reaper/Wang Yeo

This is Grim Reaper (or Reaper for short), portrayed by the handsome Lee Dong Wook. His character is just this strange, not at all tech-savvy man with a constant deadpan facial expression. Said facial expression provokes so many giggles during funny moments, and drives home the longing and desperation during sad times. We learn quite a ways in that he, in his previous life (again, just in case: spoiler), was Wang Yeo G A S P ! The young king that is essentially responsible for Shin's death, as well as all the misdeeds that were done to Shin's family. Again, this is something I don't want to spoil. Well, more, anyway 😆 You gotta see it!

Yoo In Na as Kim Sun/Sunny

Kim Sun, or simply, Sunny (she loves to spell her name for people lol, S-U-N-N-Y!) is the second female lead. Yoo In Na is so gorgeous that one look at her makes you feel like such a potato hahhah. 🥔 This fact about her beauty bleeds over into the show itself—every time another character meets Sunny, the camera does this slow motion pan into her lmao. She really is that pretty! Sunny's personality comes across so odd at first... Having watched all of the episodes now, I feel the intention of Goblin's creators was to make her seem like a soul searching for something it has lost in a previous life. idk if that makes sense, but yeah. She has this way about her, like she's disconnected from others, and is sifting through the haziness to find this thing she feels she's lost.

Yook Sungjae (my BtoB bias 😍) as Yoo Deok Hwa

Sungjaeeee ahhhh 💘💘💘 I had to gush, sorry! Hehe. Meet Deok Hwa: unofficial nephew of Shin. Deok Hwa is a third-generation chaebol (heir to a family-owned corporation) and spoiled man-child, always seeking his credit card hahaha 🤣 But I love him so much. Between Gong Yoo, Lee Dong Wook, and BtoB Sungjae? Man, I'm dying over here! Deok Hwa's true identity is revealed later in the show, which if you haven't seen it yet, I won't spoil it. Just watch. But his ending sucked. Like where did he go? Everyone else's endings got tied up neatly except for his. What gives, man? 🤔 Edit: I was actually reading an online conversation about what happened to Deok Hwa online—someone jokingly said he was reincarnated as BtoB Sungjae LOL 💯

Other various comments

AMAZING OST 😍😍😍

Good pace, episodes drag at times. A little confusing in the beginning, but you get there eventually. Maybe this is just me though, viewers who are a little more keen than I will likely catch on sooner ;) My mom was a little confused as well, and actually said at one point, "This should be called the 'what-the-hell-is-going-on' show," hahaha. Like I said though, we quickly moved on from this, and loved all the things. There are actually, I think, three (?) specials that were made to aid viewers in making sure they understand the complex events and relationships clearly. I haven't watched them yet, but want to!

Quite repetitive tbh, as there are unnecessary flashbacks often. Probably for two reasons: the obvious of reminding you what's what, but also to create suspense. Typical duration of most tvN dramas seems to be about 16 episodes, so it's possible these flashbacks and things are, for lack of a better word, filler. I don't know how rigid or lax tvN is about having a drama set at 16 eps, but I get the idea this is their preference. Seeing as so many of their programs on average last that long, I feel this must be what they want. Such has the potential to affect the writing, either positively or negatively.

A continuation of the previous bullet: I think Goblin's creators oversimplified the plot at times. I'm unsure if this is due to possible pressures to meet a specific requirement(s), or what. I'd rather forgo ALL restrictions and let creativity flow, let the story be told without pressure to fill a specific amount of time, etc. but TV production is weird. And contracts are weird. tvN might not to blame for these issues, could simply be that storytelling isn't always easy, man. I'm a writer myself, it's hard! I'M being redundant now lmfao! Anyway, yeah ~

Absolutely LOVED all the scenes that were filmed on location in beautiful Québec City, Canada 🍁 Tall, romantic trees, the fall foliage, historic buildings... sigh. Now all I need is Gong Yoo chasing me and we're all set! ;D

In addition to Shin being revived, my crush on Gong Yoo has been revived as well LOL. He fine 🔥 A classic K drama crush, can't go wrong with GY👌

Gong Yoo is always stellar at doing kiseu (kiss) scenes, and in Goblin, he does not disappoint. He really goes at it 🙈 which is preferred vs. the typical person kissing a stone statue that you see so often. He even did a lift kiss with Kim Go Eun that was reminiscent of THEE Coffee Prince kiss he did with actress Yoon Eun Hye! 😍

I never saw it coming, how the sword would wind up being removed from Shin's chest. I worried what the writers were going to do, how would they approach this, and just wow. The way things turned out is such a relief. It also told me that Shin's love for Eun Tak is true. I mean, I didn't need that scene to occur for me to know that, rather it just adds extra oomph that yes, Shin really does love Eun Tak. He didn't want her to suffer knowing she was responsible for his "death," so he thought quick and used her hands WITH his hands asdfghjkl. How dumb (bc noooo now you're gonna die) and amazing he is at the same time 💜

I love how Shin made his way back to Eun Tak after passing away, it was such a powerful scene. I could really feel his struggle, and kept yelling at my TV for him to stand up lol!

Devastated that Eun Tak died 😭 I really thought as many times as she'd cheated death before, she would somehow continue cheating death again and again for the rest of her days. But no... What a selfless person, Ji Eun Tak. Her being reincarnated as Park So Min gave me some closure. Not the closure I wanted, but closure.

The relationship between Shin and Reaper is ADORABLE. Whenever they interact with each other, they just have this great dialogue. Shin pings, Reaper pongs, Reaper pings, Shin pongs. It's great 😄 I still laugh about the slow-mo scene of them returning from the market with green onions HAHAHA 😂

I love Sunny & Reaper ~ However, their history as Kim Sun & Wang Yeo in their past lives is so very sad. I don't even know where to start RE: my feelings on this 💔 imo, their ending kinda sucked. I just wasn't satisfied with them having had this complicated, tragic story, only to be reincarnated in this fashion that I ultimately found to be just... idk, disappointing 😩 Again, closure, but not the closure I wanted.

I thought Reaper, the other grim reapers, the name cards, the depiction of what happens immediately following death with the brewing of the tea, the afterlife, etc. was all very creative. We really don't know what awaits us when our time comes—it's interesting to wonder if it's anything like it is in Goblin 🍵

Can't stop thinking about Goblin, even though I'm now watching Thirty but Seventeen & Mr. Sunshine! I'm emotionally cheating lol halp.

Photo credits: tvN & AsianWiki

Yo yo! I'm sorry I took so long to watch + write up this review! It's been a long couple of weeks for me, I wasn't always able to watch when I wanted. It was maddening 😆 But I have finally watched, and feel like the most accomplished person on the planet hahaha. xoxo 💜