#to be clear i don't watch him but my metamour does

[notquiteaghost]

cannot wait for chilled to play mcc. receiving clips from his stream rn where he is saying he does not know what happens in the event and he has never watched it. "is it parkour? capture the flag? building? i have no idea" he has never even made a tool in minecraft let alone used an elytra. he only just realised it's In Eight Days and he's away for four of those. he is going to do the absolute worst anyone has ever done <3

[polyamoryfacts]

First off apologies this is going to be a long one. So I'm in a large Polly relationship like there are total 8 adults with 3 kids between us. Origanaly it was A (male) with 5 partners (3 female 2 male) now non of us origanal partners are attracted to each other like it's been cute watching A fall in love over and over and we all get along as friends and we share house work child care etc but we just don't find each other attractive. Now one of the male partners (P) has had a few dates with a new female (H) and we are all cool with that even A. I have been seeing another male (D) and I thought A was cool with it because we have joked about threesomes etc for a while. Anyway since A found out D is male he has been asking a lot of intimate questions, they have very different styles in bed and when A started to mimic what I had told him D did I cried because I want A to be A , but no matter what I tell him all he says in return is he is jealous of D cause D is younger and can fuck harder, that I prefer D etc. Which is bollocks, I love them both equally what is turning me off is that A isn't being himself. Anyway I recently found out that A has never grilled P about his relationship with H and A admitted that when he agreed to me getting another partner he had assumed the other partner would be a girl.

I don't know what to do it all seems so unfair how can A be jealous when he is in 5 relationships? Why is my secondary partner unacceptable but Ps second fine? How can I get A to understand that I'm not with D because of something A lacks.

Thanks for the detailed explanation, I have made a visualization using polycul.es, let me know if something is wrong.

[ID: A network graph representing the described polycule; in the center is node A, connected to nodes labeled "female 1 or male 2", "female 2", and "female 3", as well as by nodes "P (male 1)" and "OP (male 2 or female 1)". P is connected to a further node labeled "H ('new female')"; OP is connected to a further node "D (male)". These are all the connections present. End ID].

(I have been advised to avoid terms like "a male" and "a female" as well as "girl" in reference to a grown woman, since they can be a bit reductive.)

I am also going to go on a limb here and assume that at least A, H and D are cisgender (meaning that their gender matches the one they were assigned at birth).

I have, as they say, several questions.

First of all, I am wondering about the part "agreed to me getting another partner". Is that something that is necessary in your dynamic? Does this go both ways? Is your agreement necessary if A wants to start a new relationship?

Next, have you observed the same problems when other partners of A started new relationships?

You also say:

it all seems so unfair how can A be jealous when he is in 5 relationships?

Yes, it is unfair. That said, feelings are not fair, I am afraid. These are the feelings A has. It is not clear what brought those on - maybe you are just the first person to bring a cis metamour into the fold. ("If feelings were rational, we would call them 'thoughts'"). You can of course vent about their impact on you to your friends or to a stranger on the internet, but in the end, either you decide to help him deal with those (these feelings are his reponsibility to deal with), or you wait until he has done it on his own, or your distance yourself from situations where they occur (which in this case might mean not having sex with A).

If I had to guess, I would assume A is feeling insecure about his age and his sexual abilities. Particularly if he is new to polyamory, he may also believe all of this is "too good to be true" and that it might break down any moment.

And to put my guess plainly: I guess A believes that D has a magic dick that is going to steal you away. H, on the other hand, does not have a magic dick and so, by that logic, cannot steal P away.

If I am correct, the best thing I can recommend is read up on criticism of "one penis policy", or OPP; a constellation where a guy insists that his female partner does not have another partner with a penis. Now, of course this is not exactly your situation here; but there are a lot of texts written about OPP, and the broad strokes (pun not intended) are the same. An important difference is A does not seem to be vetoing your relationship with D. (Although, again, I must ask whether vetoing is something that usually happens in your dynamic.) Instead, his attempt of a solution was to imitate what he knows you enjoy about sex with D. That's ..... kinda better? In the sense that he is willing to change his own behaviour instead of demanding you change your own. Which leaves the door more open for discussion.

You should of course not just assume I am right, I am just some guy on the internet. You should ask A about whether my interpretation is correct. And, if you are willing to help him with these feelings, ask him how you can show him you you enjoy sex with when he brings his A game and not his D game.

(Sorry not sorry.)

That might involve things like being more visibly enthusiastic about the things from A sex style when he does them. Or to give him more reassurances in your day to day life.

Now, I am not saying "do these things no questions asked". I am saying "talk about it, then think about it".

And a last piece of advice, please really think about whether D would want you to share details about your sexual interactions. And maybe just don't share such intimate details with A for the time being (unless he absolutely has to know for like, health reasons).