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topweeklyupdate · 6 years

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TØP Weekly Update #67: I Don’t Want the World to See Me (10/19/18)

I say “they’re back, they’re really back” every week, but I only say it because it’s true. Our band kicked off the first tour of the Trench Era with gusto this week, and that’s only just scratching the surface.

This Week’s TØPics:

The Bandito Tour Begins

Additional Tour Dates Announced

Jim Dun

More Interviews with the Band

And MORE!

Major News and Announcements:

Again, there’s not an awful lot of “news”, mostly just developments happening in real time. That said, there is one notable piece of intel, as the band added another three dates to the second North American leg of their tour: namely, a second show in Toronto, a concert in Newark to further serve that densely-populated metropolitan area, and a show in San Antonio to show Texas some love. You can register for those tickets now, so get to it!

The Shows:

The Bandito Tour kicked off in Nashville last Tuesday, and it was incredible. Of course, not everyone was totally pleased with it: Some people thought there were too few songs from Trench, while others were heartbroken that too many old favorites were knocked off. For that first point: nine out of fourteen of the new songs made their way onto the setlist, one more than the eight songs from Blurryface that landed on the first headlining show in Australia that era. Granted, those shows were significantly shorter than the current arena shows, but those songs also had much less competition for space. Point is, there’s still plenty of time for “Chlorine” to make it on the setlist, clikkies.

As for the second point... listen, I’m gutted for everyone who didn’t get a chance to sing “Migraine” or “Guns for Hands” this week. But if they could play “Taxi Cab” after five years of acting like it didn’t exist, they can- and will- play those songs again. I promise.

The setlist was comprised of:

Jumpsuit

Levitate

Fairly Local- The first full performance of the song since 2015, complete with a reveal of a scissor lift under Josh’s drum kit and a “Hometown”-disappearing act.

Stressed Out- Introduced by a cute video of a flying red beanie to give Tyler a chance to run back to the stage, culminating in it descending from the sky for Tyler to wear.

Heathens

We Don’t Believe What’s On TV- Complete with Nigel introducing Josh with a romantic poem and Tyler’s now-customary first speech to the crowd.

The Judge

Lane Boy- Josh’s flying drum platform gets an extra light display at the end.

Nico and the Niners- A runway out to the b-stage descends from the heavens and hangs over the crowd; Tyler performs the rap there and finishes at b.

Taxi Cab- Tyler Joseph asks the thousands of people in the audience to sit and listen to this nice piano song his dad likes, causing us to drown in our tears.

Neon Gravestones- A transparent curtain imposes giant ghostly images of the band over the b-stage, while a gorgeous moving light display hangs overhead.

Bandito- The debut of this song was accompanied by another incredible light show and displays of soaring vultures. Notably, the first verse was cut, seemingly just to keep up the pace.

Pet Cheetah- Tyler and Josh head back across the runway to finish the sick beats, the pit drops like nobody’s business.

Iris- The band brings out the openers to play this Goo Goo Dolls classic, infusing it with incredible emotion and a killer uke arrangement. So far, Tyler’s been introducing it as the soundtrack for Josh’s childhood “firsts” (first kiss, first Fun Dip, etc).

Hey Jude- The bands perform one of the greatest songs of all time.

Holding On To You- Now with more pretty stars

Ride- Now without a drum island

My Blood- Now with SKELETON HOODIES and holding on to the crowd harmony conducting from The Complete Diversion.

Morph- Tyler does his best rap thing while Josh busts out his most technical drum island yet.

Car Radio

Leave the City- Replacing “Goner” for the encore, Tyler leans in hard for audience participation.

Trees- Now with imagery reflecting Josh’s tree tattoo. The keyboard is also placed above the car, which rises dramatically from the ground in the middle of the song because Tyler’s just extra like that.

Tyler’s Trees Speech in Nashville was a full one. After acknowledging earlier in the show that he and Josh were really nervous about getting this one right, Tyler thanked the opening crowd for giving him the experience of hearing “Leave the City” sung back at him for the first time, lampshaded how ridiculous the production value of the shows has gotten, gave Nashville-native lighting director Shap some grief, and joked about how he only messed up the second verse from “Morph”, so there’s some room for improvement.

Interviews and Other Shenanigans:

The biggest interview from this week was the band’s feature with The New York Times, which did not go too awfully in-depth in terms of revealing information that we didn’t already know but was still one of the more well-written pieces on the band I’ve seen in some time. The article takes their art and artistry seriously, covering their oft-repeated backstory with reverence fitting a band that has proved themselves time and again to be worth that consideration. The descriptions of Tyler and Josh read as totally on-point to their personalities, and there’s a cool revelation that Tyler’s kept an encouraging voicemail from Chris Martin on his phone since 2016. The highlight for me, though, is the absolutely crushing ending where Tyler responds to a question of his mental health by answering “I’m OK today.” It’s a mature and sobering outlook on his future struggles with his mental health; I hope he stays OK for many years to come.

Oh, and Jim Dun’s Instagram page is now public, so you should definitely go splurge through a year’s worth of cute dog photos featuring Josh, cameos from Brendon Urie, and snarky comments from Mark, Brad, Debby, Jenna, Jordan, Abigail, and friends. Josh even gave a little interview with Global K9 Protection Services talking about his relationship with his pup. Jim will be joining the gang on tour, so we’re sure to get plenty more adorable puppy action in the weeks to come.

Chart Performance:

Well, it looks like my suspicions last week were correct: Trench fell just shy of securing a #1 spot in the States, losing out to A Star Is Born’s soundtrack. But that’s no reason to be gloomy- last week was still the band’s biggest sales week ever, selling 135,000 albums and earning an additional 40,000 equivalent units in streams and other avenues of listening. And hey, they were the #1 album in Australia! That’s pretty cool.

As far as individual songs go, things continue to look pretty rosy. The album release boosted “Jumpsuit” and “Nico and the Niners” back to the Hot 100 at #79 and #95, respectively, while “My Blood” was able to debut at #81 off of the music video. Below the Hot 100, “Morph” and “Chlorine” managed to sneak onto the Bubbling Under chart at #6 and #12 respectively.

The songs impressed more individually down on the Rock Charts. Every single track from the album made it onto the Hot Rock Songs chart, which combines every source of music consumption with a similar formula as the Hot 100. Most of this can be attributed to streaming- nine songs from Trench made their way onto the Rock Streaming chart versus only two new arrivals to Rock Sales. “My Blood” is also continuing to gain radio momentum; we’ll see if that’s enough to keep it around next week.

Upcoming Performances:

With the Bandito Tour fully underway, let’s look to the week ahead to see what communities the band will be sharing their music with and try to determine if we might expect any surprises.

Show 3: Enterprise Center, St Louis, Missouri (10/19)

Capacity: 22,000

Tonight, the band returns to St. Louis, a city they’ve visited many times in the past. They played this venue at their last show here in 2016, albeit when it was under the “Scottrade Center” name.

Show 4: Fiserv Forum, Milwaukee, Wisconsin (10/20)

Capacity: 17,500

Twenty One Pilots have never played this venue before, because it didn’t exist the last time they toured; heck, it didn’t even exist when they announced this one! The brand-new Fiserv Forum, built as the new home for the Milwaukee Bucks basketball team, opened just last month with a concert from The Killers and has already hosted a number of other artists. It should make for an incredible show, even more so because it will be the band’s first ever arena show in the city.

Show 5: XCel Energy Center, St. Paul, Minnesota (10/21)

Capacity: 13,000

The band also played this venue in their last visit back in 2016. Not much else to say, so... moving on!

Show 6: Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland, Ohio (10/23)

Capacity: 20,000

Tuesday’s show in Cleveland will be the closest thing to a hometown show the band will play until their two announced concerts in Columbus next June, nearly nine months from now. As a result, expect to see plenty of family members in attendance (and maybe an on-stage cameo from Zach to perform his verse from “Kitchen Sink”). It’ll definitely be a real special night.

Show 7: Little Caesar’s Arena, Detroit, Michigan (10/24)

Capacity: 22,000

Wrapping things up, Twenty One Pilots will be playing their first show in Detroit proper since 2015, and their first ever arena show in the general region. This is another relatively new facility that only opened in September of last year, the harshest season of the hiatus. Hopefully those Ohio boys put on a good show for my Michigan kin.

It was another incredible week. I can’t wait to see how these shows continue to grow and evolve in the weeks and months to come. Let me know when you all get the chance to see them. Until then, power to the local dreamer.

|-/

#twenty one pilots #trench #tyler joseph #josh dun #bandito tour #billboard #a star is born #my blood #top weekly update

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invincible-selfxmade-punk · 6 years

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Long post, coming up on my niece’s birthday

It started out to be such an adventure. We initially couldn’t believe our good luck: a long lost relative wanting to fly us to Washington DC for an impromptu family reunion to settle some matters over some land my father’s family in Lebanon were selling.

We had always dreamed of visiting DC, but, being poor, a dream was all it was. Suddenly we were there in this great hotel, hanging out with my Dad’s family who are all rich and cultured and have seen the world. It was wonderful.

Then, one night before we were to leave, we came back to the hotel and I saw I had texts on my phone, several texts. They were all from my mom’s side of the family or family friends telling me to call home right away. The home they were talking about is West Texas, the most backward, hateful, racist spot you can imagine, a place where the Civil War never really took place except in people’s minds and in their limited version of history, the South won.

My mom was a wonderful woman, what I remember of her. However the kids she had before me with another husband might as well have been space aliens for all we had in common. Being told to call home meant someone had taken someone hostage, someone was in jail, someone was in a mental institution, someone had the SWAT team called on them, someone needed to be talked out of having an abortion, someone had just punched a cop, or someone was going to court over a dispute with their neighbors.

None of these things could be changed by me, especially not me in Washington DC a million miles from home. So I did my best to ignore them until I couldn’t.

I try to avoid that side of the family as much as I can because any attempt to communicate or help gets me yelled at, cussed out, my inbox filled with hate mail and leads to me having to block relatives on every social network before the make their opinions of me public. So I got the clever idea to just go stalk their facebook pages rather than talk to them directly in order to find out what was going on.

THIS IS HOW I FOUND OUT MY NIECE HAD KILLED HERSELF.

There are a million details and footnotes to this story but drugs had turned her into another person. We had once been best friends, more like sisters than anything. We had grown up together, taken care of each other. She might as well have been an orphan as both of her parents gave up rights to her and left her with an alcoholic, abusive, shrew of a grandmother. We were always there for each other until she married a second time and discovered money, plastic surgery and Oxycontin.

“They You took for granted your soul and it’s ours now to steal… NOW YOUR NIGHTMARE COMES TO LIFE…..”

As if this was not enough, being a million miles away, not being able to go home for the funeral and pretty damn sure no one wanted me there anyway, despite what they said, there was more to this anniversary.

At the same time I had three “best” friends turn their backs on me, even though I had just announced I was having a nervous breakdown and needed a break from everyone and for everyone t either treat me gently or give me space. I had two best friends become best friends with each other and gang up on me and one that it turned out just didn’t give a damn. These weren’t just random people. One I had known for 4 years, one I had known for 8 years and one I had known for 25 years.

The two that chose each other over me had made a point of making friends w/ several other friends (online) and rather than have THOSE friends abandon me too, I jumped ship and left them before they could leave me. Maybe not the most mature thing but how the hell was I to know who cared and who didn’t? I mean if someone dumps me after 25 years, who’s to say that five year friendship I thought I had actually existed. So in the end I lost a handful of friends, all of which I’d had for years, and my niece, and my ability to trust anyone ever again.

Sure, I’d been turned on before. It happened all the time, but when “those girls” turned on me “these friends” were the ones to pick me up, back me up, and keep me sane. Now “these friends’ were "those girls”.

And so here I am a year later. I won’t say I’m friendless because I’m not. However I make every effort to keep myself far apart from the world and only rely on myself no matter how bad things get. Because you never know. The person who was there for you, the one you told all your secrets to, could be the very one using those very secrets against you tomorrow.

In the end it’s just better to be alone. I should have learned that years ago with the AFI girls. I should have learned that after Jimmy’s death when I was kicked out of every A7X community by saying someone should stepped up and forced his ass into rehab.

And maybe I’ll never learn it, but I have learned to be careful.

LeAnn,

I read the news today oh boy About a lucky man who made the GRADE And though the news was rather sad Well I just had to laugh I saw the photograph He blew his mind out in a car He didn’t notice that the lights had changed

I am still mad at you. I am still so angry that you took this way out, after your step dad did the same, after your aunt did the same, after our best friend in the whole world had her life and the life of her unborn son ripped away from her. And you just gave it up. And I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you were abused. I’m sorry your life did not turn out the way you wanted it. I’m sorry for the voices in your head and I’m sorry for them men who were supposed to love and protect you and ended up abusing you, terrifying you and ultimately ending your life. I’m sorry you didn’t call me. I’m sorry we stopped talking. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.

I think about the concerts we went to: Danzig Smashing Pumpkins Tesla Pantera

I think of the times we got drunk and should have died. I think of how we buried your step dad (my brother-in-law) and Margo, our mutual best friend, within weeks of each other. And having gone through this you still chose to take your life.

I’m so sorry I wasn’t there! I miss you so much it feels like my heart is being torn out from inside my body. I should have wished you a happy birthday. I should have called you, I should have kept bugging you on facebook even if you kept blocking me. I should have kept trying. I thought you were happy, I had no idea.

“Please forgive me I can’t forgive you now”

Well, I’m mad, but I forgive you because I’ve been there. There are times I’m not sure what kept me from it. Our family is cursed, you know? You have to have realized tha

But we all die, right? Sooner or later. Margo and I used to laugh about how I thought the angels looked like Will Sexton. Who knows maybe they do. I think about it a lot and I try not to be scared. I think of you and mom and dad and Mimi and Margo and Jim all waiting for me.

We have 20 years to go. My internal clock is ticking. Remember how fast 20 years went? How one day we were 15 together listening to Poison and trying to make sense of the world, then we blinked and we were 35 and Jim and Margo were dead and we were married? I only have 20 more years of life left in me and then I will be joining you.

I hope you forgive me, I hope you take me back. I hope you remember how we were children once and how we kept each other alive when everyone else gave up on us. I hope you’ll forgive me for not keeping up my end of that promise once you started doing drugs. I never stopped loving you, I was just hurt. In 20 years I’ll find you and then we’ll both go find Mom and Margo and Jim. And speaking of Jim, after you take me to meet Kurt Cobain, there’s a guy named Jimmy Sullivan I want you to meet. You’ll love him, he’s a lot like Margo. In fact, I think they may have been separated at birth. 20 years, meet me at the gates. I’ll be the one w/ all the tattoos that the angels are looking at suspiciously.

t at some point. It’s just the way of things.

#long post #rant #essay #grief #loss #remembering #LeAnn

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rainraincomethisway · 8 years

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Do every other # starting from the first one and a random one of your choice for the ask post.

Thank you! I haven’t gotten asks for awhile.

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

About an hour ago, Ireland-Legally Blonde for auditions. :)

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

This is a difficult one. I take pride in how hard I work, how I do many things to try to be the best I can be, how much I love, and how I want to be kind. Every time I take a step to being happy. When I choose to be happy, I think. Who can top happiness?

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I would drop out of college, as sad as that sounds. I would try to get a job that paid well for a bit, just to save up and travel around with my husband. I would want to take him to DC to see Coline, Texas, England, my family, and so on. I would get life insurance, to leave money for him. I would get my family presents to remember me by. I would want to die happy and with the love of my life, though. I’d want to spend the rest of my time with people I love, but I would want to be with him,

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

He’s about a foot taller than me, and broader shouldered, almost a hundred pounds heavier than me, and twenty years older. Despite these differences, he draws me in like a pryo to fire. His brown hair, lightened in the sun is a beautiful auburn. His beard is brown, auburn, some light orange, and a few white hairs. He has the most beautiful grayish blue eyes, that feel safe. I look into them and I don’t feel intimated, I feel loved. Eye contact always felt too strong for me, I would scatter my glances out, but I want to keep it with him. His nose is the cutest button on the planet, and I’m happy he lets me kiss it and bite it. His lips are soft pillows that fit perfectly against mine, and feel like home. So do his big strong arms, built up from athleticism and manual labor like chopping wood. they wrap around me, and I feel like I fit like a puzzle piece in his arms. His beautiful chest, I set my head on it and hear his heart beat and I can fall asleep, peacefully and escape the whirlwind of my thinking that plagues me regularly when my bed is empty. His hands, the way they slide up my back, and I don’t panic at all. It feels right. How they’re big, and I know that he could hurt someone, but they gently touch my cheeks to pull me into a kiss. His legs, strong and firm, that carry me when I’ve fallen asleep somewhere, lifting me up as he walks us to bed. His cute toes, his adorable feet, that he thinks resembles a neanderthals, but I think they are just my adorable husband’s feet.

No one is like him. From the resilience in his soul, to the boldness of how he stands up for what he believes. How he wants to protect me, and care for me, take care of me and I let him. Simple stuff, like him making me breakfast or making me tea, I never would let someone do, but I let him and he’s happy. How we share the same witchy spirit, and love for people who need help. How he quizzes me on trees, can create a fire, easily, how he laughs is like music and I can’t help but smile when he does. The way he sees me,. I feel like he sees me. He holds my hand, and kisses me. He wouldn’t ever want to hurt me, and he wants to do right by me. He is my heart. I love him. I love the little snores he does, only for a little, in the middle of the night. The first time I ever laid down with him, he held my hand in his sleep. I moved a little, and he found my hand again. How he stands out in a crowd to me, how I can always spot him in a picture, even if it’s crowded, even when he was a little kid. I hear his voice, and I relax. I feel his touch, and my minds check out. When I’m upset, all I need is for him to hug me, and all of my emotions release and I feel free from the confinements that I’ve built for myself to stay strong. With him, I don’t always need to be a rock. I love that he laughs with me, and we dance around the kitchen. That I wrap my arms around him, and he doesn’t shrug me off. That when I’m doing dishes, he comes up behind me and kisses my neck. People look at him and think he’s intimidating, but I know he has a heart that is full of love, consideration, and care. He’s smart, and understanding, and he wants to learn about things. He lets me read to him, and he lets me give him foot massages. He’ll wear a football hat to amuse me, make me laugh. His deep affection for animals, how he treats things that will do nothing for him. He is the sweetest man on this planet. I could still go on for hours about him, I know it, but I’ll cut myself off. I love him.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

A few nights ago. Distance sucks.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

Maybe. I find it easier to talk about my personal experiences if I feel like it will help them. And if I’ll never see them again? Sure, what do I have to lose.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

Casey, you will always have my heart, and I will always love you, and I will always be your girl.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“I am not a broken girl. I’m a girl who refused to be broken.”

To me, I relate to this. I spent a few years wallowing in depression, suicidal thoughts, and so on. I was miserable. Eventually, I got to a point that I said to hell with people who were supposed to care about me. They weren’t there when I needed them, they didn’t want to be. So I decided to be my support, I decided to encourage me, and I decided to help myself and be happy. I taught myself to love me, to be kind, to be helpful because I didn’t want anyone to feel like I did. I advocate for people, and love. I am stronger. I refused to be broken.

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

Pay off all of my college, buy Casey and I’s dream house, give money to our familes, donate to our camp, and save the rest.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Dear Twelve Year Old Me,

I know you’re hurting. No one cares about you, it feels like that, and no one is helping you. You’re showing all the symptoms, but no one is paying attention. Can you believe me when I say that dying isn’t the answer? I know that’s all you think about, as morbid as that sounds. Your go to, is that. Honey, you’re only twelve. There’s so much to experience. You haven’t even met the love of your life yet, met the many amazing friends you’ll get, your beautiful nephew and little brother haven’t been born, you work hard, and people look up to you. You end up loving everyone and everything, life, yourself. I know you’re on the opposite side of the spectrum right now.

But you know what?

Everything is going to be okay. You’re gonna be alright.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I wish I had more earrings, like two or three holes in my ears to make that beautiful contrast. I want tats so bad! I want one with Casey, and the rest to be natury and peaceful.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

“Don’t want to live as an untold story, want to go out in a blaze of glory” The Struts. I love this song, it makes me feel adventurous, and bold, to go out and get what I want. Live broad and follow my dreams, to make an impact on the world.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

-Christian bands

-more Christian bands

-Like A Storm

and I might get to go to a Panic at the Disco ONE!!!!! AHHHH. Excited.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

I have a desk, my workspace is my bed though. It depends on what I’m doing. Drawing, I need space, same for writing. I need creative room to breathe. Homework, I do well with. Papers, I’m sprawled out everywhere.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

Well, it was my love interest, but that cat came out of the bag. :) Now it’s all good and dandy.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Casey (of course), Mckenzie, Dayna, Coline, Hal, Rachel. I’d want to go to a big city, unexplored before. Museums, tourist sites, dinners.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

Oooo, good one. I think my favorite is my doll costume, because I made so much of it myself.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Have sex with someone.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Very much so in love. Can’t get them out of your head. Everything they do, even if it’s minuscule, is fantastic. Want to be near them, spend all of your time with them. Everything they say is fascinating, and sends wave of adoration throughout your soul as it resonates with yours. Their touch is like a warm fire, perfect, and electrifying, and right. They are absolute perfection. Their smile could make you stop in the street. You spend nights, awake, tossing and turning to determine their intentions, until one night, you realize . . . you’re in love with them. And I decided to wait however long I needed to be with him.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Mocha, really. Mocha frappe if it’s hot out. Casey and Dayna.

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junker-town · 7 years

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It's time to spice up MLB outfields

Look at me, I’m the commissioner now.

All right, so to start this off I just want to say that baseball was my first sport and that I will always have a soft spot for it even if I sound like a hater on Twitter.

Back to the intro.

I was playing Mario Super Sluggers for the Wii, and I was frustrated with myself for not knowing the controls and all of the power-ups the computer was using to destroy me. That’s when it hit me.

We absolutely need obstacles in the outfield. OUTFIELDERS ARE TOO GOOD AT THEIR JOBS! LET’S SPICE SHIT UP.

Here’s how this blog post will work: I’m going to name an outfield obstacle for each ballpark and then bless you with a snippet of how said commentary would sound if you were watching on TV or listening on the radio.

Please have an open mind because my mind is open as hell.

Camden Yards – Baltimore Orioles: Crabs

Play-by-play: This one gets through the infield. Now can Adam Jones get to the ball before the crabs do?

Color commentary: Jones wants to be sure that he doesn’t upset the colony of crabs ... herd of crabs ... squad of crabs?

Play-by-play: Cast

Color commentary: Cast of crabs, thank you. Those crabs seem to love baseball. You have to be really careful to get the ball without upsetting the cast.

Play-by-play: It seems like Jones is swatting at the crabs with his glove hand. Very wise of him to not use his bare hand unlike the last fielder to try this.

Color commentary: Yup, it seems that teams are starting to use game film to study what is working and what isn’t working against these crabs. We’ve seen very good and very, very bad.

Nationals Park – Washington Nationals: The racing presidents ... but during the game

Play-by-play: This ball is back ... to the track ... to the wall and BRYCE HARPER RUNS INTO TEDDY ROOSEVELT! THIS IS A VERY UNFORTUNATE TURN OF EVENTS FOR THE NATIONALS

Color commentary: Yes, I imagine that the presidents are trying their best to stay out of the way of the home team, but after so many laps around the field it’s hard to stay running and be cognizant of your surroundings.

Coors Field – Colorado Rockies: Bats ... like actual bats

Play-by-play: This is a high fly ball into center field ... Charlie Blackmon is getting dangerously close to the designated bees area. Remember, there are many pressure-activated spots on the field that release the bats at any time.

Color commentary: I can’t watch! Oh, the potential horror!

Play-by-play: Blackmon ... MAKES THE CATCH AND AVOIDS OPENING THE BAT CAGE!

Color commentary: Whew that’s a rel ... Loud noise from right field

Play-by-play: @#$%. Well it looks like Carlos Gonzalez opened the right field bat trap. Let’s just hope they’re friendly this time.

Carlos Gonzalez: THIS TIME?!

Fenway Park – Boston Red Sox: A green monster. Like an actual green monster.

Play-by-play: That ball is hit WAY back to left field, and you know what that means!

Crowd: RELEASE THE MONSTER

Color Commentary: That’s right! This week's green monster is Reptar, brought to you by Reptar Investments. Don’t let your retirement plan turn into a monster. Call 1-800-REPTAR1 to set up an appointment today.

Play-by-play: Let’s just hope he doesn’t eat the ball this time!

Petco Park – San Diego Padres: A river.

Play-by-play: That’s ripped into left center field; back is Mike Trout and Justin Upton. And Trout falls into the river, but fortunately Upton is there to make the catch for the second out.

Color Commentary: Well if you’re a fisherman I have good news for you. It looks like it’s Trout Season out in left field, amirite.

Play-by-play: How long have you been holding on to that one?

Color Commentary: Weeks.

AT&T Park – San Francisco Giants: Push the right field wall back so that part of McCovey Cove is part of the diamond.

Play-by-play: And that ball is hit high and DEEP! Hunter Pence is hustling! Will he get there? He might have to dive...he does! He makes the catch! But that has to hurt.

Color commentary: Yeah, I’ve talked to some right fielders over the course of the season, and they told me that new right field is problematic. The deepest part goes up to waist deep for most people and makes diving catches incredibly painful. Keep in mind that you’re belly-flopping while wearing a cup. That can’t be pleasant. What an effort by Pence, though. Couldn’t be me.

PNC Park – Pittsburgh Pirates: Cannonbaseballs (Cannonball-sized baseballs)

Play-by-play: This ball gets past the second baseman and looks to be a single as the right fielder ... *BOOM* never mind. That ball will get past John Jaso! Once again the constant cannon fire has proved to be a problem for this outfield!

Color commentary: That’s right, first you have to deal with the noise of the cannon fire to break your concentration, and then you have to dodge the cannonball. These cannon baseballs can hurt too, and players have the option to wear baseball helmets in the field. This probably wasn’t a good idea by Commissioner Kofie, but it’s definitely a game-changer!

Wrigley Field – Chicago Cubs: Patches of ivy in the grass, Pokémon style

Play-by-play: Ground ball...THAT will reach a patch of ivy in right field! One run will score! Jason Heyward is searching for that ivy.

Color commentary: That ivy is no joke! It’s thick, and if the player can’t find it after 10 seconds it’s ruled out of play, so it’s a race against the clock! That is excellent hit placement.

Dodger Stadium – Los Angeles Dodgers: Dodgeballs

Play-by-play: This one is fouled high and down the line. Remember, that one player from the opposing bullpen can throw a dodgeball at any time. Yasiel Puig is heading down the line. He throws ... OHHHHH HEADSHOT WOW! What a dodgeball throw from Fernando Rodney!

Color commentary: It’s usually odd to see a closer out here as the designated dodgeball thrower, but Rodney does it with precision! Textbook accuracy there by Rodney!

Kauffman Stadium – Kansas City Royals: Leave the sprinklers on.

Play-by-play: Now I know that we’ve talked about home-field advantage, but this is ridiculous.

Color commentary: Yes, it seems that the sprinkler operator has fallen asleep at the controls multiple times. You’re only supposed to turn them on while in play, but these sprinklers keep coming on during dead time. I’m not sure this is how Commissioner Kofie imagined the sprinklers would be used.

Two days later

Sportscaster: We have the latest on the Sprinklergate scandal. It seems like there was an accomplice. We’ll have the full report at 11.

Target Field – Minnesota Twins: A Target Express

Play-by-play: That’s a screaming line drive right into the snacks section of the Target Express! Eddie Rosario has to make sure he doesn’t knock over any displays or customers while in pursuit of this ball.

Color commentary: That’s right, and Twins fans know the rules all too well. You break it, you buy it!

Play-by-play: Yup, and we don’t need to talk about the eighth-inning egg incident last week. It changed the whole flow of the game.

Color commentary: You can say the Twins were a shell of their former selves after that.

Play-by-Play: Bruh.

Citi Field – New York Mets: ATMs

Play-by-play: There’s a high fly ball. This one’s got a chance back anddddddd OFF THE ATM! Money is shooting out of the ATM, and now the FANS are jumping onto the field! This is craziness. Security is going to have its hands full with this one, right partner?

Color commentary: *Left 30 seconds ago to collect money.

Globe Life Park – Texas Rangers: Squirrels

Play-by-play: That ball gets by the first baseman and will roll all the way to the wall! Shin-Soo Choo is running and HITS THE DECK! It looks like he rolled his ankle on another one of those squirrel holes.

Color commentary: It seems like his foot fell into a hole there, partner. Sometimes during batting practice, you can see the squirrels putting the ball into little burrows as if they’re storing them for the winter.

Busch Stadium – St. Louis Cardinals: Barrels of beer

Play-by-play: That ball is shot to left, and it hits a barrel! That means that he has to chug a full beer before he can go for the ball. Remember, kids, don’t try this at home!

Color commentary: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Play-by-play: It looks like he’s going to shotgun this one! Excellent form...minimal spillage. WELL DONE!

Citizens Bank Park – Philadelphia Phillies: Let the Phanatic run on the field.

Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

Play-by-play: And that ball is down the line and grabbed by the Phanatic! The chase is on now!

Color commentary: Yup! As we discussed at the top of the hour, once the Phanatic has possession of a ball in play, all three outfielders can take it from him by almost any means necessary. THIS IS WHAT THE FANS PAY TO SEE!

Safeco Field – Seattle Mariners: Macklemore concert

Play-by-play: Another deep ball headed toward Macklemore corner in right field!

Color commentary: This might be the only concert where you’re encouraged to bring baseball gloves. Remember, if the crowd catches it then it’s an out, but if the crowd lets it drop it’s a ground-rule double. This really changes the meaning of crowd control.

Play-by-play: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

SunTrust Park – Atlanta Braves: Capri Sun pouches

Play-by-play: We have a new installment on the field. We have strategically placed Capri Sun pouches everywhere.

Color commentary: What’s the meaning of this?

Play-by-play: You haven’t seen the commercials?

Color commentary: No.

Play-by-play:

youtube

Color commentary: Oh, I see. They have to respect the pouch and then catch the ball!

Progressive Field – Cleveland Indians: Hurdles

Play-by-play: That ball is tattooed! Michael Brantley is chasing after it; now will he go over the hurdle or under it?

Color commentary: I think he’ll go under it. I think the fact that he’s wearing cleats and can get them clipped on the hurdle provides a huge risk.

Great American Ball Park – Cincinnati Reds: A moat of chili

Play-by-play: That ball is high and deep and into the chili! Oh man, Billy Hamilton isn’t going to like this.

Color commentary: The chili is H-O-T. It’s not the ideal thing for an outfielder. I’ve talked to many who have put their gloves in the chili, and they say that the particles from the chili stay in the glove for many innings after. One of the outfielders told me “On the one hand, it’s hot chili. On the other hand, if you bring a bowl with you to the outfield ... it’s free chili.”

Comerica Park – Detroit Tigers : Tigers … duh.

Play-by-play: And that ball gets past second. Now in any other ballpark, this is routine, but with the Tigers...oh boy.

Color commentary: We haven’t had an incident yet this season, thank God, but this is still the first season. We don’t know what these tigers are capable of.

Center fielder: nice ... kitties.

Tiger 1: ...

Tiger 2: ...

Tiger 3: ...

Color commentary: I personally think three tigers in the outfield is overkill, but Commissioner Kofie’s idea does have me on the edge of my seat.

Tiger 1: RAWR

Play-by-Play: Should we cut to commercial?

Director: No, this is good. He’s only biting the glove hand.

Color commentary: This will be ruled Tiger interference, and the runners will all advance one base. It’s a strategic move, and it absolutely scares the shit out of everyone on the field.

Marlins Park — Miami Marlins: A moat … of marlins

Play-by-play: Giancarlo Stanton hits this high and deep, and it lands in the Marlins’ new moat full of marlins. And the outfielders are going to have to enter at their own risk.

Color commentary: I had to Google if marlins bite stuff. I’ve heard of shark attacks, but I had never heard of a marlin attack. There is an animal planet YouTube video titled, MARLIN IMPALES BOY’S FACE...so that’s not ideal.

Play-by-play: Yeah, well the good news is that there’s only one marlin, The bad news is that marlins sounds pretty dangerous. I don’t know what Kofie was thinking with this one.

Color commentary: And it looks like the outfielder is waving his glove in the air. The signal for “I give up, this is a home run.”

Play-by-play: This is a pretty smart move too. That marlin is way too close to the baseball this time. We have seen other outfielders succeed in fishing the ball out of the water, no pun intended, because it’s a pretty big moat. This time, however, that marlin was too close for comfort. This will count as a homer for Stanton.

Minute Maid Park – Houston Astros: Bring back the hill. Move the train tracks into the outfield

Play-by-play: This ball is headed to the track. The train tracks, excuse me.

Color commentary: Now this train isn’t fast, but it’s still not one that you want to get in front of. These outfielders are going to have to go on the train or wait until it passes over the baseball.

Play-by-play: Well, this one is on the tracks, and it’s going to be close. Springer is almost there and ...

Color commentary: I can’t watch.

Play-by-play: ... He MAKES THE CATCH OH MY GOODNESS! HOW ABOUT THAT! Now he has to throw the ball over the train because it’s whizzing by him as we speak.

Color commentary: Yup, that’s right. He can’t see the base paths, so he’ll have to rely on muscle memory and hope for the best.

Chase Field – Arizona Diamondbacks: Snakes

Play-by-play: This ball will get through for a base hit. Now the question remains as to how many bases will be taken as that ball is headed for the snakes.

Color commentary: It’s important to remember here that these snakes aren’t diamondbacks, so they’re not poisonous. But they still pack a powerful bite.

Play-by-play: That’s correct. Also, these snakes aren’t big enough to swallow a baseball whole, but they are scary enough so that you won’t feel compelled to go near them. It’s time to see if the outfielders choose to let the runner score or risk getting bitten.

Miller Park – Milwaukee Brewers: A beer pond

Play-by-play: It seems that we’re going to have a shift. The second baseman is heading out to right field.

Color commentary: I’ve never seen a shift like this before.

Play-by-play: It seems like...oh, he just wants some beer.

Color commentary: I can’t blame him. It’s the 13th inning...I need some beer myself.

Yankee Stadium – New York Yankees: Desus & Mero

Kid Mero: Y’all know what it is, the No. 1 show on late night ball bags and tonight's guest is OH SHI-

Color commentary: It seems like another ball has landed on the set of Desus & Mero.

Desus: Can y’all ... um ... not hit here? We’re trying to record our guest segment.

Kid Mero: Yeah, dawg, this is the seventh time we’ve had to record this. AYO Aaron...

Aaron Judge: Yeah. Mero

Kid Mero: The next person to hit the ball over here, I want you to stomp ‘em out, B.

Aaron Judge: You got it, boss.

Angel Stadium – Los Angeles Angels: Legos

Play-by-play: That ball is hit to right center field and this is going to be really tough to get because of the new Lego here at Angel Stadium.

Color commentary: Commissioner Kofie ruled that you can only wear socks in the outfield when you’re fielding the ball. There are 100 Lego pieces spread out all over the outfield so they are going to have to watch out for the pieces.

Play-by-play: Yeah, some are easy to see while other pieces blend in with the field. Those green Legos are pretty cruel in my opinion, too ... have you ever stepped on a Lego?

Color commentary: Ever since last Christmas I can’t walk around my house without shoes on. I would have bought my kids fidget spinners or something, but those have small parts that they can swallow.

Play-by-play: Kids can swallow Legos too.

Color commentary: Yeah but like those don’t go down smooth so it’s more likely that they’ll get stuck and you can get them out.

Play-by-play: What?

Color commentary: WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH?! PACKING PEANUTS?!

Play-by-play: We’ll talk about this more after the play as it looks like Mike Trout just found a green Lego and these won’t end careers but damn that looks painful.

Color commentary: Yup. Other ballparks have snakes, trains and chili ... stepping on a Lego makes the others seem so trivial.

Play-by-play: Anyway, back to the toys thing ... you didn’t get them marbles, did you?

Color commentary: What do I look like?

Play-by-play: You considered getting them fidget spinners, so I don’t know you anymore.

Rogers Centre – Toronto Bluejays: Moving walkways

Play-by-play: That ball is high and now here comes the hard part ... catching a fly ball while being on a moving walkway!

Color commentary: Yeah I didn’t know what these were called before I looked it up. I just always called them flat escalators. These players are going to have to track fly balls while moving. This is the ultimate challenge.

Play-by-play: It’s not a challenge for Jose Bautista, who makes the catch!

Color commentary: Yeah, Baustista makes it look easy. He has the advantage of playing here for half of the season. He makes sure to spend extra time on fly balls in practice. He also says to be aware of when the flat escalat— moving walkways — malfunction.

U.S. Cellular Field – Chicago White Sox: A bunch of white socks

Play-by-play: This ball is grounded and will go through the sea of socks and oh boy, this isn’t going to end well.

Color commentary: Ever since Commissioner Kofie eradicated rain delays, this outfield has become a nightmare. You have to deal with the huge sea of wet socks that are the same color as the baseball. Usually, you’ll see the fielder toss their glove and that’s to help with the digging process.

Play-by-play: Yikes.

Tropicana Field – Tampa Bay Rays: The bubble thing from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Play-by-play: This one is BELTED HIGH AND DEEP.

Color commentary: And this ball is going to stay afloat for a while. The bubble room effect from Willy Wonka has been turned on. There is no one on base and the batting team is down, so they have the one-time option to turn on the bubble room!

Play-by-play: Classic scene. “You gotta burp, Charlie!”

Oakland Alameda Coliseum – Oakland A’s: Sandboxes

Play-by-play: This ball will get between the left and center fielder. The good news is that this ball won’t get to the wall. The bad news is that it’s in the sandbox.

Color commentary: Yup, it’s hard trying to run in cleats and sift through the sand at the same time. A true test of patience and balance here. I’m just glad that this was implemented after my career because I would be struggling.

Play-by-play: You won four Gold Gloves.

Color commentary: Yes, but I didn’t have to deal with the same obstacles that this generation has to deal with now, thanks to Commissioner Kofie.

Play-by-play: Ah.

CONCLUSION

This has been a preview of what baseball would sound like under the regime of Commissioner Kofie. I hope you enjoyed this and will elected me/join me in a coup d'etat of whoever the current commissioner is.

(Base)ball is life.

— Commissioner Kofie

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riffrelevant · 7 years

Text

(By Pat ‘Riot’ Whitaker, Lead Journalist/Writer, RiffRelevant.com)

Musician Dan Lorenzo (guitarist) was a highly integral component to many of my own earlier, formative music years. His song writing abilities and guitar playing talent were the creative catalyst for the legendary Eighties power metal / thrash band Hades. In that band he helped pioneer the music and sound of the East Coast’s own take on underground music.

Active for over twenty years, Hades released six revered official albums and myriad singles and splits, while also being included on numerous compilations. The band holds a highly revered place in the heads and hearts of metal lovers both old and new to this very day. From Hades, Dan’s creative Jones led to the formation of the amazing Non-Fiction, a band that was quite ahead of its time in my opinion.

Non-Fiction‘s early Nineties existence resulted in three incredible, forward thinking studio releases (1991’s Preface, 1992’s In The Know and 1996’s It’s A Wonderful Lie…). The band’s take on darker progressive metal registered quite well with listeners and fans. It was another so-called feather in the cap for the artistry that Dan Lorenzo encapsulates.

Lorenzo In NON-FICTION

During the early to mid 2000’s, Dan worked as a solo artist and released three phenomenal full-length albums and one EP. On these, he explored a vast swath of differing styles of music and blurred the lines for those obsessed with genre-labeling. Before that decade was over, Lorenzo was part of The Cursed alongside fellow New Jersey staple, Bobby “Blitz” Ellsworth (Overkill). Their one and only album to date thus far, 2007’s Room Full Of Sinners, was another landmark where Dan’s creative prowess was displayed.

Now it is 2017 of course and recently, news broke about a new project that Dan Lorenzo is part of. From far out of left field comes the revelation of Vessel Of Light, Dan’s new musical partnership with Nathan “Opposition” Jochum of Ancient VVisdom. As unlikely a pairing that anyone could imagine, Vessel Of Light‘s debut single “Meant To Be” (streaming below) is a somber descent into heavy Doom music with psychedelic, sludge and atmospheric nuances. The duo’s self-titled debut EP will be released through Argonauta Records on November 3rd and promises to be one of the year’s most intriguing offerings.

So, as a long, long time fan and appreciator of all that is Dan Lorenzo musically, I was recently given the opportunity to speak with him. It goes without saying that I jumped into such an exchange without hesitation for Dan really is a major component within several musical outlets that have (and do) mean so much to me. Without further ado, let’s get to the goods that got us here, shall we? It is my pleasure to present you….

The Riff Relevant Interview With Dan Lorenzo!

Pat Riot – Vessel Of Light. Your new project with Nathan Opposition..how did this project come about? You two seem an unlikely pairing as you all are coming from much different musical backgrounds (outside looking in anyway) so who did what, or brought what to the table, in VOL?

Dan – Back in December I was in Austin, Texas. Before I went, my wife was listening to a lot of stoner rock. Neither my wife nor I drink or smoke, but we both like Sabbath-y types of riffs. I Googled “Austin stoner rock” and came upon the video “The Opposition” by the band Ancient VVisdom. I had never heard of them and I rarely like “new” music. At first I was taken aback by the lyrics. I go to church and I have a Jesus tattoo and they were singing Satanic lyrics. I literally watched this video 10-15 times over the next two days. I consider “The Opposition” to be one of the top 20 greatest songs of all-time. I tried to figure out what label Ancient VVisdom were on or a contact address, but I couldn’t find anything. I’m not on Facebook. Eventually I found an email and I wrote saying how much I loved their song and Nathan Opposition wrote me back. I mentioned them in a NJ magazine I write for called Steppin’ Out. I mailed Nathan a copy of the magazine and a HADES and THE CURSED CDs. We spoke on the phone and hit it off. Then one day I got an email from Nathan about the new project he and I were starting! I had no idea what he was talking about as this was never discussed (laughs). I couldn’t say “no” to his idea though. I have hundreds of riffs and I started mailing Nathan some of them.

Pat Riot – What can music fans and listeners expect from the debut album? Do you think it will appeal to your own fans as well as those of Nathan’s?

Dan – Do I have any fans? (laughs) Yeah, if people liked my riffs in Non-Fiction and The Cursed, they will be happy. Nathan’s fans will love it too.

Pat Riot – How did the label deal with Argonauta Records materialize? Can we expect to see VOL play some live gigs at any point?

Dan – I was about to leave for a vacation in Hawaii. Right before I left I was trying to find a doom label and I came across Argonauta. I sent an MP3 to Brian Slagel [Metal Blade] and Argonauta and nobody else. I was at the airport suffering through a United Airlines 12 hour delay and Argonauta wrote me that they were interested in signing us. Gero and I sent a few e-mails back and forth and that was it. As far as live gigs before we got signed I said “No way”…now I want to do some shows. Pat Riot – In the mid-2000s you independently released a string of solo albums (3 full lengths/1 EP)..how were those received in your opinion? As both a solo artist and member of some major legacy-type acts / bands, do you have a preference for one over the other (i.e. solo vs. member of band) and if so, why?

Dan – They are both fun. My whole thing is I despise repetition. My solo stuff was a way to get 30 songs out in 13 months without having more than a couple of rehearsals. Nathan and I only had two rehearsals and then we spent a whopping seven hours in the recording studio recording 6 Vessel Of Light songs. Five days later we had a record deal. That kind of spontaneity is incredibly appealing to me. How were my solo CDs received? With contempt! (laughs) No, the “right” people loved my solo work. Bobby Blitz, Peter [Fletcher, guitarist] from Pigmy Love Circus. Cool people with good taste! (I’ll definitely take THAT as a compliment, ha! – Pat)

Pat Riot – Speaking of “legacy acts”..Hades. This year makes 35 years since the “Deliver Us From Evil” single surfaced, where it all started for Hades. Looking back, what’s your take away from it now, knowing what place Hades holds in the hearts of so many metal fans?

Dan – Oh wow! That was 35 years ago. Damn. It’s nice honestly. Dark Symphonies out of Massachusetts is re-releasing our first two CDs with Demos never released on CD and 20 page booklets inside. Hades was my first love so it will always be special to me.

Pat Riot – Hades’ last studio LP was 2001’s “DamNation” and while I know you are just one member of Hades, has there ever been any serious discussion of a reunion or new record? Dan – Nope. It’s over. I’m still friendly with the guys though and Jimmy Schulman might play bass for VOL live. Pat Riot – Dan, what was the catalyst event be it band, album, concert, etc. that ignited your interest in music as a youth? Who would you cite as some of your primary influences and what did you yourself learn or pick up from them?

Dan – Ace Frehley of Kiss and Joe Perry of Aerosmith. I play nothing like Joe. My few solos are very Ace-like.

Pat Riot – Now, let’s hit upon 2 absolute favorites of mine: First..Non-Fiction. To me, NF was quite progressive in style and really ahead of its time I believe. What fueled the formation of Non-Fiction?

Dan – Trying to be the exact opposite of Hades. Non-Fiction were spontaneous. We took risks. I would write a riff in the dressing room before the show and then we might use that riff as the opener for that night. So much fun. We rarely rehearsed and when we did it was to write new songs. I fucking loved being in Non-Fiction. It was way more fun and way more “me” than Hades was. Pat Riot – And what ultimately led to the demise of Non-Fiction? I learned something in researching for our exchange here that I did not know, that a S/T EP was issued featuring Dan Nastasi (of Mucky Pup, whom I love) on vocals.

Dan – We came home from our 1993 European tour with Overkill and Savatage and things seemed to be moving backwards. Plus I fell in love with a girl named Gina. I was so poor that one day I couldn’t find a quarter for a bagel. I was so bummed. I knew I needed to get a job and I knew that would be the end of Non-Fiction. After that Nastasi and I reunited the original Non-Fiction line-up and called it #9. We got a deal with SPV. We were starting to record and Nastasi got a solo deal and his manager put the kabosh on #9. There is one rough mix from those recordings on my website. The song is called The Story Goes. #9 were the shit. So fucking bad ass.

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THE CURSED

The Cursed ‘Room Full Of Sinners’

Pat Riot – The Cursed. ‘Room Full Of Sinners’ is such a genre-diverse record..how did that project come to be? What kind of feedback have you gotten over the years since that LP was released?

Dan – Well Blitz was a fan of my first solo cd and we always hit it off. It was weird because I’m not a huge fan of Overkill, but when he started writing to my riffs I realized how incredibly talented Blitz actually is. I think a lot of people loved our CD together, but I think Bobby felt a lit bit uncomfortable promoting it because at that time Overkill was starting a resurgence. All thanks to me getting Ron Lipnicki in the band! ( laughs).Pat Riot – I interviewed Blitz earlier this year and specifically asked about a possible 2nd LP from The Cursed ever happening. He lovingly passed the buck by saying “never say never” but also made clear it was not really his call. What say YOU? Dan – I would have done one, but like I said, Blitz…he didn’t even want me to pay to have a video done for The Cursed, so I’m not going to spend my time writing/rehearsing and recording something I can’t even promote when it’s done. We have a 4 song demo we recorded for The Cursed before we did Room Full Of Sinners. My wife’s favorite song by The Cursed is Lucifiction on that demo. It’s never been released. I would love for Blitz to tell me he wants to re -release the whole thing and include a new song or two. I think we write very well together. (For the record, literally, my fave is “Native Tongue”. – Pat)Pat Riot – OK, Dan..had you not been in Hades, Non-Fiction, The Cursed, Vessel Of Light, etc…what band throughout all of Rock / Metal History would you have liked to been in and why?

Dan – I’d love to take Malcolm’s spot with Bon Scott era AC/DC or maybe The Plasmatics guitarist during A Coup De’ Etat.

Pat Riot – Outside of music, what type of things do you enjoy doing in your “normal, every day life” i.e. hobbies, travel, etc.?

Dan – I play pick-up basketball 4 days a week during the summer. Gina and I have been happily married twenty years and we love to travel. Pat Riot – I have a tradition of ending interviews with the subject having the final say. Anything you’d like to say, share, state for the record, rant, what have you, this is all you:

Dan – I really wish people would stop smoking cigarettes. It’s expensive, ages you and is disgusting!

There you go, people…Be like Dan and do your smoking on the frets of a guitar! I want to wind down here be saying what a pleasure it was speaking with Dan Lorenzo, a musician whose music via multiple projects has been a staple of my own musical fanaticism for years. Thank you, Dan!

Now, we stand at the precipice of a whole new era of music from Dan via the upcoming Vessel Of Light S/T release (via Argonauta Records Nov. 3rd). My own review of that is coming soon but I’ll go on the record now saying it is going to surprise and astound listeners, and fans of Dan’s both. To keep up with all things Dan Lorenzo, visit his website and Instagram, along with Vessel Of Light’s Facebook page (linked below).

DanLorenzo.net / Dan Lozenzo on Instagram Vessel Of Light’s Facebook page.

Argonauta Records website.

The DAN LORENZO (Vessel Of Light, Hades, Non-Fiction, Etc.) Interview (By Pat 'Riot' Whitaker, Lead Journalist/Writer, RiffRelevant.com) Musician Dan Lorenzo (guitarist) was a highly integral component to many of my own earlier, formative music years.

#Argonauta Records #Dan Lorenzo #Guitarist #Hades #Interview #Metal #Non-Fiction #Progressive #Solo Artist #The Cursed #Vessel Of Light

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junker-town · 7 years

Text

It's time to spice up MLB outfields

Look at me, I’m the commissioner now.

Alright, so to start this off I just want to say that baseball was my first sport and that I will always have a soft spot for it even if I sound like a hater on Twitter.

Back to the intro.

I was playing Mario Super Sluggers for the Wii and I was frustrated with myself with not knowing the controls and all of the power-ups the computer was using to destroy me. That’s when it hit me.

We absolutely need obstacles in the outfield. OUTFIELDERS ARE TOO GOOD AT THEIR JOBS! LET’S SPICE SHIT UP.

Please have an open mind because my mind is open as hell.

Camden Yards – Baltimore Orioles: Crabs

Play-by-play: This one gets through the infield. Now can Adam Jones get to the ball before the crabs do?

Color commentary: Jones wants to be sure that he doesn’t upset the colony of crabs ... herd of crabs ... squad of crabs?

Play-by-play: Cast

Color commentary: Cast of crabs, thank you. Those crabs seem to love baseball. You have to be really careful to get the ball without upsetting the cast.

Play-by-play: It seems like Jones is swatting at the crabs with his glove hand. Very wise of him to not use his barehand unlike the last fielder to try this

Color commentary: Yup, it seems that teams are starting to use game film to study what is working and what isn’t working against these crabs. We’ve seen very good and very, very bad.

Nationals Park – Washington Nationals: The racing presidents ... but during the game

Play-by-play: This ball is back ... to the track ... to the wall and BRYCE HARPER RUNS INTO TEDDY ROOSEVELT! THIS IS A VERY UNFORTUNATE TURN OF EVENTS FOR THE NATIONALS

Color commentary: Yes, I imagine that the presidents are trying their best to stay out of the way of the home team but after so many laps around the field it’s hard to stay running and be cognizant of your surroundings.

Coors Field – Colorado Rockies: Bats ... like actual bats

Play-by-play: This is a high fly ball into centerfield ... Charlie Blackmon is getting dangerously close to the designated bees area. Remember, there are many pressure-activated spots on the field that release the bats at any time.

Color commentary: I can’t watch! Oh, the potential horror!

Play-by-play: Charlie Blackmon ... MAKES THE CATCH AND AVOIDS THE OPENING THE BAT CAGE!

Color commentary: Whew that’s a rel ... Loud noise from right field

Play-by-play: @#$%. Well it looks like Carlos Gonzalez opened the right-field bat trap. Let’s just hope they’re friendly this time.

Carlos Gonzalez: THIS TIME?!

Fenway Park – Boston Red Sox: A green monster. Like an actual green monster.

Play-by-play: That ball is hit WAY back to left field and you know what that means!

Crowd: RELEASE THE MONSTER

Play-by-play: Let’s just hope he doesn’t eat the ball this time!

Petco Park – San Diego Padres: A river.

Play-by-play: That’s ripped into left-center field, back is Mike Trout and Justin Upton. And Trout falls into the river but fortunately, Upton is there to make the catch for the second out.

Color Commentary: Well if you’re a fisherman I have good news for you. It looks like it’s Trout Season out in left field, amirite.

Play-by-play: How long have you been holding on to that one?

Color Commentary: Weeks.

AT&T Park – San Francisco Giants: Push the right field wall back so that part of McCovey Cove is part of the diamond

Play-by-play: And that ball is hit high and DEEP! Hunter Pence is hustling! Will he get there? He might have to dive ... he does! He makes the catch! But that has to hurt.

Color commentary: Yeah, I’ve talked to some right fielders over the course of the season and they told me that new right field is problematic. The deepest part goes up to waist deep for most people and makes diving catches incredibly painful. Keep in mind that you’re belly-flopping while wearing a cup. That can’t be pleasant. What an effort by Pence, though. Couldn’t be me.

PNC Park – Pittsburgh Pirates: Cannonbaseballs (Cannonball sized baseballs)

Play-by-play: This ball gets past the second baseman and looks to be a single as the right fielder ... *BOOM* never mind, that ball will get past John Jaso! Once again the constant cannon fire has proven to be a problem for this outfield!

Color commentary: That’s right, first you have to deal with the noise of the cannon fire to break your concentration and then you have to dodge the cannonball. These cannon baseballs can hurt too and players have the option to wear baseball helmets in the field. This probably wasn’t a good idea by Commissioner Kofie, but it’s definitely a game-changer!

Wrigley Field – Chicago Cubs: Patches of ivy in the grass, Pokémon style

Play-by-play: Ground ball.... THAT will reach a patch of ivy in right field! One run will score! Jason Heyward is searching for that ivy

Color commentary: That ivy is no joke! It’s thick and if the player can’t find it after 10 seconds it’s ruled out of play so it’s a race against the clock! That is excellent hit placement.

Dodger Stadium – Los Angeles Dodgers: Dodgeballs

Play-by-play: This one is fouled high and down the line. Remember that one player from the opposing bullpen can throw a dodgeball at any time. Puig is heading down the line. He throws ... OHHHHH HEADSHOT WOW! What a dodgeball throw from Fernando Rodney!

Color commentary: It’s usually odd to see a closer out here as the designated dodgeball thrower, but Rodney does it with precision! Textbook accuracy there by Rodney!

Kauffman Stadium – Kansas City Royals: Leave the sprinklers on.

Play-by-play: Now I know that we’ve talked about home field advantage, but this is ridiculous.

Two days later

Sportscaster: We have the latest on the Sprinklergate scandal. It seems like there was an accomplice. We’ll have the full report at 11.

Target Field – Minnesota Twins: A Target Express

Color commentary: That’s right, and Twins fans know the rules all too well. You break it, you buy it!

Play-by-play: Yup, and we don’t need to talk about the eighth-inning egg incident last week. It changed the whole flow of the game.

Color commentary: You can say the Twins were a shell of their former selves after that.

Play-by-Play: Bruh.

Citi Field – New York Mets: ATMs

Play-by-play: There’s a high fly ball, this one’s got a chance back anddddddd OFF THE ATM! Money is shooting out of the ATM and now the FANS are jumping onto the field! This is craziness. Security is going to have their hands full with this one, right partner?

Color commentary: *Left 30 seconds ago to collect money.

Globe Life Park – Texas Rangers: Squirrels

Busch Stadium – St. Louis Cardinals: Barrels of beer

Play-by-play: That ball is shot to left and it hits a barrel! That means that he has to chug a full beer before he can go for the ball. Remember, kids, don’t try this at home!

Color commentary: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Play-by-play: It looks like he’s going to shotgun this one! Excellent form ... minimal spillage. WELL DONE!

Citizens Bank Park – Philadelphia Phillies: Let the Phanatic run on the field

Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

Play-by-play: And that ball is down the line and grabbed by the Phanatic! The chase is on now!

Color commentary: Yup! As we discussed at the top of the hour, once the Phanatic has possession of a ball in play all three outfielders can take it from him by almost any means necessary. THIS IS WHAT THE FANS PAY TO SEE!

Safeco Field – Seattle Mariners: Macklemore concert

Play-by-play: Another deep ball headed toward Macklemore corner in right field!

Color commentary: This might be the only concert where you’re encouraged to bring baseball gloves. Remember, if the crowd catches it then it’s an out but if the crowd lets it drop it’s a ground rule double. This really changes the meaning of crowd control.

Play-by-play: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

SunTrust Park – Atlanta Braves: CapriSun pouches

Play-by-play: We have a new installment on the field. We have strategically placed CapriSun pouches everywhere.

Color commentary: What’s the meaning of this?

Play-by-play: You haven’t seen the commercials?

Color commentary: No.

Play-by-play:

youtube

Color commentary: Oh I see. They have to respect the pouch and then catch the ball!

Progressive Field – Cleveland Indians: Hurdles

Play-by-play: That ball is tattooed! Michael Brantley is chasing after it now will he go over the hurdle or under it?

Color commentary: I think he’ll go under it. I think the fact that he’s wearing cleats and can get them clipped on the hurdle provides a huge risk.

Great American Ball Park – Cincinnati Reds: A moat of chili

Play-by-play: That ball is high and deep and into the chili! Oh man, Billy Hamilton isn’t going to like this.

Color commentary: The chili is H-O-T. It’s not the ideal thing for an outfielder. I’ve talked to many that have put their gloves in the chili and they say that the particles from the chili stay in the glove for many innings after. One of the outfielders told me “On the one hand it’s hot chili. On the other hand, if you bring a bowl with you to the outfield ... it’s free chili.”

Comerica Park – Detroit Tigers : Tigers … duh.

Play-by-play: And that ball gets past the second. Now in any other ballpark, this is routine, but with the Tigers ... oh boy.

Color commentary: We haven’t had an incident yet this season, thank God, but this is still the first season. We don’t know what these tigers are capable of.

Center fielder: nice ... kitties.

Tiger 1: ...

Tiger 2: ...

Tiger 3: ...

Color commentary: I personally think three tigers in the outfield is overkill, but Commissioner Kofie’s idea does have me on the edge of my seat.

Tiger 1: RAWR

Play-by-Play: Should we cut to commercial?

Director: No, this is good. He’s only biting the glove hand.

Color commentary: This will be ruled Tiger interference and the runners will all advance one base. It’s a strategic move and it absolutely scares the shit out of everyone on the field.

Marlins Park — Miami Marlins: A moat … of marlins

Play-by-play: Stanton hits this high and deep and it lands in the Marlins’ new moat full of marlins, and the outfielders are going to have to enter at their own risk.

Color commentary: I had to google if marlins bite stuff earlier. I’ve heard of shark attacks, but I had never heard of a marlin attack. There is an animal planet YouTube video titled MARLIN IMPALES BOY’S FACE ... so that’s not ideal.

Play-by-play: Yeah, well the good news is that there’s only one marlin, the bad news is that marlins sounds pretty dangerous. I don’t know what Kofie was thinking with this one.

Color commentary: And it looks like the outfielder is waving his glove in the air. The signal for “I give up, this is a home run.”

Minute Maid Park – Houston Astros: Bring back the hill. Move the train tracks into the outfield

Play-by-play: This ball is headed to the track. The train tracks, excuse me.

Color commentary: Now this train isn’t fast but it’s still not one that you want to get in front of. These outfielders are going to have to go on the train or wait until it passes over the baseball.

Play-by-play: Well, this one is on the tracks and it’s going to be close. Springer is almost there and ...

Color commentary: I can’t watch.

Play-by-play: ... He MAKES THE CATCH OH MY GOODNESS! HOW ABOUT THAT! Now he has to throw the ball over the train because it’s whizzing by him as we speak.

Color commentary: Yup, that’s right. He can’t see the base paths so he’ll have to rely on muscle memory and hope for the best.

Chase Field – Arizona Diamondbacks: Snakes

Play-by-play: This ball will get through for a base hit. Now the question remains as to how many bases will be taken as that ball is headed for the snakes.

Color commentary: It’s important to remember here that these snakes aren’t diamondbacks, so they’re not poisonous, but they still pack a powerful bite.

Miller Park – Milwaukee Brewers: A beer pond

Play-by-play: It seems that we’re going to have a shift. The second baseman is heading out to right field.

Color commentary: I’ve never seen a shift like this before.

Play-by-play: It seems like ... oh, he just wants some beer.

Color commentary: I can’t blame him. It’s the 13th inning ... I need some beer myself.

Yankee Stadium – New York Yankees: Desus and Mero

Kid Mero: Y’all know what it is, the number one show on late night ball bags and tonight's guest is OH SHI-

Color commentary: It seems like another ball has landed on the set of Desus & Mero.

Desus: Can y’all ... um ... not hit here? We’re trying to record our guest segment.

Kid Mero: Yeah dawg this is the seventh time we’ve had to record this. AYO Aaron

Aaron Judge: Yeah Mero

Kid Mero: The next person to hit the ball over here, I want you to stomp ‘em out, B.

Aaron Judge: You got it, boss.

Angel Stadium – Los Angeles Angels: Legos

Play-by-play: That ball is hit to right center field and this is going to be really tough to get because of the new Lego here at Angel Stadium.

Play-by-play: Yeah, some are easy to see while other pieces blend in with the field. Those green Legos are pretty cruel in my opinion, too ... have you ever stepped on a Lego?

Play-by-play: Kids can swallow Legos too.

Color commentary: Yeah but like those don’t go down smooth so it’s more likely that they’ll get stuck and you can get them out.

Play-by-play: What?

Color commentary: WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH?! PACKING PEANUTS?!

Play-by-play: We’ll talk about this more after the play as it looks like Mike Trout just found a green Lego and these won’t end careers but damn that looks painful.

Color commentary: Yup. Other ballparks have snakes, trains and chili ... stepping on a Lego makes the others seem so trivial.

Play-by-play: Anyway, back to the toys thing ... you didn’t get them marbles, did you?

Color commentary: What do I look like?

Play-by-play: You considered getting them fidget spinners, so I don’t know you anymore.

Rogers Centre – Toronto Bluejays: Moving walkways

Play-by-play: That ball is high and now here comes the hard part ... catching a fly ball while being on a moving walkway!

Play-by-play: It’s not a challenge for Jose Bautista, who makes the catch!

U.S. Cellular Field – Chicago White Sox: A bunch of white socks

Play-by-play: This ball is grounded and will go through the sea of socks and oh boy, this isn’t going to end well.

Play-by-play: Yikes.

Tropicana Field – Tampa Bay Rays: The bubble thing from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Play-by-play: This one is BELTED HIGH AND DEEP.

Play-by-play: Classic scene. “You gotta burp, Charlie!”

Oakland Alameda Coliseum – Oakland A’s: Sandboxes

Play-by-play: This ball will get between the left and center fielder. The good news is that this ball won’t get to the wall. The bad news is that it’s in the sandbox.

Play-by-play: You won four Gold Gloves.

Color commentary: Yes, but I didn’t have to deal with the same obstacles that this generation has to deal with now, thanks to Commissioner Kofie.

Play-by-play: Ah.

CONCLUSION

(Base)ball is life.

— Commissioner Kofie

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