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linggluu · 2 years ago

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他妈的真是自卑的要死。

i'm finally at a point in my life where everything's finally falling into place and i can look forward to the future now? I have a good career and bf and I are doing great and i can get over all the bs and injustices.

but every now and then something always hits me right in the gut and 马上就原形鄙陋，又变回自卑的那个人。

today on the street, my sister and i bumped into this kid that used to work in our restaurant. all while growing up, us three always got compared to BY EVERYONE. relatives , restaurant workers and family friends. and when it came to looks, the other two were always praised for being pretty, cute , beautiful. so yeah, growing up I was always bitter , had my lip out because they always got better treatment and the praise.

towards the begining of college -I'm like - fine, if they wanna call me ugly then i might as well be cheerful, work on my work ethic so they at least can't bitch at me for being ugly AND having a terrible personality.

we grew up in the kitchen so over the years we were always around the cooks.

when we were kids, 2nd sis always got brought with parents and uncle to weddings.

2013 - when we opened our last restaurant, the xiao di always offered to cook my two food but not me. fine. i can book food for me.

2013-2018 - numerous cooks would offer to buy foods for both my sisters as a doting gesture. also heard several remarks about "which one of these girls would you pick as a wife" and "the oldest one is too ugly, she's gonna need her mom to pick". cute cooks who came in would joke aorund with my youngest sis but not me and I KNOW it's based on looks.

I don't look 秀气as my 2nd younger sis and as cute as my 3rd younger sis. I never got the cute flirty treatment or people offering to cook me food and buy me food.

Moving on, My 2nd sister actually married one of the bum boy cooks (dropped out of middle school in china) who called me ugly. And we were only 2 years apart but all the guys we hung out with liked her. not me (as in dating material). we always hung out as friends but i was always one of the bros.

Anyways, this guy we bumped into, worked for our restaurant a few years back. He was especially friendly towards my younger sis , buying her food, playing games with her. He was really nice and not bad looking and I was jealous at the time because he always paid attention to her more. So today I noticed him right away riding down the street on the scooter. I saw him first, hadn't seen him in a few years so I waved and said hi. He straight up ignores me and talks right at my sis. All along they kept in touch and played games.

///

i remember the two distinct moments that i decided to fix up my attitude at the beginning of college - 1.) that time in 2008 when a driver's wife and and his son came from Tianjin to our place to apply for citizenship and a place in the states. The wife asked my mom why I looked mad all the time.

And that time right before college in 2010 when my mom's cousins and her aunt came to the USA and stayed with us until Winter, One of them asked why i looked mad .

In both of the cases, I got beat up and yelled at.

I wasn't mad. At the time I just hated when family/friends/strangers look over and be like "oh look, the ugly one".

It's not in my head and it's still happening.

Like I understand 不是你的就别再勉强。If your personalities don't match, then it can't be helped if you don't become friends.

I'm mad though, after so many years, these two still get looked at on the street and I stick out like a sore thumb. After so many years of trying to get over it, I do my best to be a good person , work on my own personal growth, career, hobbies and hang out with friends. and I'm still the one being ignored in a group setting.

anyways, tldr, pretty privilege is real and i'm tired of being the ugly one. It still bothers me and it always will. i've resigned to being lowkey bitter deep down.

I know bf and my friends like me for who i am and for the most part I appreciate it and I know so.

welp now i know i still have work to do but I still can be mad. It sucks getting the short end of the stick ALL the time.

just needed to get this off my chest.

#personal

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wildcrisis · 5 years ago

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The Detriment of a Pro-Hero Society

Also known as: Kids are kind of being brainwashed into being heroes, let’s look into that.

Dedicated to @deafmic for getting me back into this bullshit and inspiring me to finish something I had started noting out about two years ago. By now, I’m sure much of this has been said over time by various people, and it makes me happy to know that there are others out there who like to look deep into the background culture and settings of their favorite manga!

I apologize in advance if you notice an idea of yours here; I haven’t been active in the fandom in two-ish-years, so I may be restating some things you guys already have. I consider this rambling analysis to be free to use and abuse by anyone, no credit necessary! I only get a little bit of time on the weekends to really be on my PC, so if you send me an ask or reply to this, it may take me some time to reply back!

Anywho, onto this mess I’ve made. It’s not very tidy and is more a collection of thoughts than a properly detailed analysis, but I ain’t got all day. Again, this is messy but I don’t really have the energy to make it nice and neat.

Looking for something in specific? You might wanna ctrl+f around these titles, because this is very long and rambling.

Part I: The Beginning of Quirks and their Effect on Society Part II: What Makes a Villain Part III: M O N E Y and F A M E Part IV: Brainwashed Part V: Ignoring Those Who Need Help Part VI: Cycle/Conclusion

Part I: The Beginning of Quirks and their Effect on Society

So, we know through the manga that, as quirks first began to evolve and more and more people obtained them, the world was thrown into chaos. People had obtained power, and power is as power does, and it corrupts.

As people began using their quirks for evil deeds that broke the law, law enforcement around the world was essentially powerless. After all, during the birth of the quirk age, quirks were the minority. The powerful minority. Against that, men with tasers, batons, and guns hardly stood a chance.

However, just as the rise of quirks gave birth to people who would use that power for misdeeds, so did it bring life to those who had the inherent desire to protect others. The beginning of the age of vigilantes, which would lead to the age of Pro Heroes.

Obviously, All for One was very relevant during this time, but we’re not here to talk about him. For once. We’re here to talk about society as a whole.

The world order was too chaotic. We are aware of this due to the monologues of certain characters, and I assume we’ll be learning more as more of the former carriers of One for All become present in Deku. In this beginning, it wasn’t so much “heroes” versus “villains”, more than it was law abiding citizens versus law breakers. It’s likely that precedent hadn’t yet been established for “no quirk use”, as there were hardly enough people who could actually enforce such a law.

As more of society began to develop quirks, the Police Force made a decision to not use their quirks to take down law breakers. They moved to a more leadership position, and took a backseat to those who did use their quirks for good. At first, it was a hard decision to allow such things as Pro Heroes to take on law breakers who were too dangerous for someone to take down without a quirk.

But why, after all this time, have the Police and the Pro Heroes remained separate entities? Why have they never combined, and why do they remain so polarized in how they approach situations?

The answer is simple, yet multi-layered. Heroes and Villains ... they’re popular. They attract attention.

Part II: What Makes a Villain

If you assign a person the label “Villain”, you de-humanize them. They are no longer a “person”, per se, but a monster. Evil, in the eyes of most people. It’s easier, then, to accept their fate of being beaten by a Hero, and being carted off to prison.

This is an important distinction to make. If you remove the labels of Hero and Villain. If you remove their Quirks. Do people still react the same way? Do they cheer and adore the hero, as the hero beats the opponent senseless? Of course not. In a battle of man vs man, in the moment, humans don’t react in such a way.

We can understand why an adult who lived a hard life may turn to a life of crime. But, hardly to we look as to why or how they got there.

In this world where quirks have become the norm, but are constantly evolving, we must wonder; how are quirks judged? How are they defined? How are people treated, for the quirk they possess?

We have many examples of outcasts, and they possess a wide variety of quirks from “extremely destructive” to simply “strange, odd, not okay in society”.

Shigaraki and Overhaul are both examples of terrifying, destructive quirks. Is it any wonder that their lives turned out the way they did? The power of death was etched into their very DNA. We know Shigaraki’s backstory and how he became who he is today. It’s implied that Chisaki was abandoned or ran away as well.

Then, you have the more odd quirks that, on the surface don’t seem nefarious, but when explained in context, would make people feel uncomfortable. Toga, who’s quirk is to drink blood and transform into another person. Twice, who can make copies of any person and used his quirk for an evil deed. Nemoto, who can force anyone to tell the truth, and lived a life where he realized everyone was lying to him.

Even Shinsou Hitoshi, desperate to become a hero, was put down for what his quirk DOES. Brainwashing. That’s a “villain’s quirk”. Fellow children said that to him so casually, and behaved as if they were terrified of him!

Eri, with her quirk that made her father disappear from existence itself ... Had she not been rescued from Overhaul, what would have become of her? Forced to believe her entire existence was a curse, told that she does nothing but harm people -- as she grew older and gained control of her power, would anyone honestly think she would have led a life of goodness, considering how she was raised?

How many people labeled Villains are currently in prison, because they were treated like outcasts from the moment they developed a terrifying quirk? Was there anyone there to help them figure their way through this world, considering what they’d been born with? Are there services for people who have trouble controlling their quirks, which are truly destructive? Even with laws in place saying that you can’t use your quirk publicly, just LIVING with that knowledge that you were born ... with a scary quirk ... a villain’s quirk ... How people treat you because of that, how you look, what your quirk can do -- do you ever have any friends? Any real friends, that aren’t just people who are scared of you?

Is it any wonder, that people like this turn out to be “villains”? Society is GROOMING THEM to BE VILLAINS, simply for who and what they are and are born with.

Part III: M O N E Y and F A M E

Throwing oneself into harms way sure is a dangerous move, that most people would never bother doing. How, then, do you entice more people to become heroes and take on the villains that are popping up all around for obvious reasons?

You make your Heroes popular. You make sure they look stylish. They have cool attitudes. You make them popular among the children. After all, getting fellow adults in on the Pro-Hero train is good and all, but much like a pro-athlete, one can likely only do Hero work for a certain span of time before their body is unable to take the strain. Maybe say, ages 18-40?

Besides, with more and more people being born every day with quirks, the number of people who turn to villainous activity will grow, right? Especially if you’re not actively helping people manage their quirks, because hey, they’re not allowed to use them publicly so what does it matter?

Kids. Kids will watch heroes on TV, and see it just like any other super-hero show or cartoon. They’ll buy the merchandise. People will begin to hemorrhage money over these heroes, because they’re flashy. They’re kind. They save lives.

Now, not to say that Heroes are just there for the paycheck -- not at all. Many people become heroes simply because they do love to help people. Some become heroes because they want to stop bad guys. Sure, there are some who do it to maybe someday live an easier life, or because it pays really well and they have family to support. But, I do believe that most people go into the Pro Hero business with good intentions.

THIS, is part of the reason that Pro Heroes have remained separate from law enforcement. They are now a business. A very wealthy business. It’s not just hero agencies that make money off of the Pro Hero business. It’s toy manufacturers. Comic book stores. Prisons. Hospitals. Roots of Pro Hero society reach into nearly every type of business that there is, whether directly or indirectly.

Nobody wants that money to disappear by folding Heroes back into the police force. No, they want MORE heroes. More heroes, and more people for the heroes to fight.

tldr: heroes = $$$, so keep ‘em coming

Part IV: Brainwashed

There are a lot of factors that go into making society as a whole okay with something. It takes a lot of time, for one. It takes powerful, well spoken people. It takes lots of media attention. Before you know it, everyone is eating up the same exact thing quite willingly ... and it spreads to the next generation. And the next. After that happens, its something that is well integrated into society, like a freckle that’s always been on your arm -- its just “always been that way”.

I’ve mentioned several times that its odd for people to be so okay with one person beating another person senseless. Again, we know that its considered acceptable, because of the labels we’ve put on these individuals based on their actions: Heroes and Villains.

What I wonder is: How long have people been okay with this? Do they not realize that, in a way, this is history repeating itself?

We know why people don’t dig deeper into this. Pro Heroes are popular and people love them. The media has hand fed the Hero lifestyle to children for some time now. There are schools, MORE THAN ONE SCHOOL, that teach your child how to become a pro hero.

Think about that. It’s not just some extra-curricular activity, like sports. These are schools, designed to take in freshly graduated MIDDLE-SCHOOLERS who have not finished their regularly schooling education, who still have growing bodies and minds, and ... crafts them into perfect pro-heroes. AND PARENTS ARE OKAY WITH THIS -- SOMETIMES EVEN MORE THAN OKAY WITH IT.

These schools send young teenagers onto the streets under a pro-heroes wing to witness and be a part of fighting crime. Not organized crime, like a ring of bad guys or something, but ... random crime. Disasters. From a young age, they may encounter situations with actual dead people. Their training is dangerous. Their powers can be dangerous. One wrong move, and a student, someone you worked alongside, had lunch with everyday, is just ... gone.

There exists a police force in society. There are already pro-heroes. Why, then, is society okay with multiple schools that are practically breeding child soldiers? They are teaching kids everything about how to kick ass, how to take down these terrifying people, how to fight, how to save lives ...

Why is no one looking into why villains exist in the first place? Are these kids ever taught de-escalation tactics? To talk their opponents down? Not everyone out there is using their quirk to be evil for the sake of being evil. There’s always a reason, a purpose.

Part V: Ignoring Those Who Need Help

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

Hey, Star Wars had some good points!

I’ve discussed before what makes a villain. People who are afraid of what they’re capable of. People who society has turned their back on. People who desperately need help, but there is no one out there willing to give it.

These people will always find each other in the shadows. They begin, at a young age, being terrified of what they are. What they’ve done. What they can do. Maybe they’ve been kicked out of their families. Maybe they’ve killed before, completely on accident.

The average person turns their back on people like this.

These people begin their lives terrified. Constantly being told that their quirks, their past, their family, what ever it is, will make them end up a bad person. Or, maybe they tell them they’re already a bad person. That fears breeds anger and hate. Hate for this society that would rather see them burn, than offer them any help.

A young boy grows up into a man. He had a potentially devastating quirk that he never really got a good hold on, because he was never allowed to practice with it. Everyone is too scared to let him try. Then, one day, something happens -- completely by accident. He causes a scene. A massacre. He hurts people.

Parents are excited to see which of their quirks their baby displays. Instead of being one or the other, or even a fusion of both, the unthinkable occurs. Its a mutation. The toddler hurts a sibling, a parent, a friend. Terrified, the parents abandon the child, for fear of losing their entire family.

A child is told, over and over, that his quirk will never be good for anything other than being evil. This knowledge rests heavy on his shoulders, its repeated to him yearly as he grows. Then, when he acts on what everyone has TOLD HIM FOR YEARS HE WILL DO, they are surprised. As if they hadn’t imprinted the very notion into his mind.

In a way, Overhaul was right about one thing. Hero society is a disease. People look forward to watching Heroes take down Villains and save the day. They don’t think at all about why these people are villains, how they got there, where they came from. They will never admit to potentially being the reason villains exist in the first place.

Part VI: Cycle/Conclusion

Wow, I have rambled a lot. I don’t think I hit every point that I’ve ever thought of for sure. There’s ... a lot of them. And a lot of comparisons I wanted to make to other superhero anime, specifically Tiger and Bunny, which I believe does an excellent job of showing the ups and downs of hero societies.

What I wanted to make clear in all this rambling mess (which, if you read all of it, I am SO SO SORRY), is that the very existence of Pro Heroes and Villains exist solely because of a few factors that exist in a cycle.

Pro Heroes = $$$ -> Schools for more heroes -> ignoring quirk-related-problems -> more villains -> pro heroes beat up villains -> pro heroes =$$$ etc

There is someone, or some organization, that sits above all of this. There has to be. There has to be some more logical explanation as to why this type of Hero v Villain culture has been allowed to exist all of this time, and things have not drifted more back in the direction of police vs lawbreakers. There has to be a reason that its okay for heroes to be so popular. There has to be a reason that children are allowed to be groomed into becoming heroes. There has to be a reason that there isn’t more help out there for people with these types of potentially destructive quirks.

There has to be reasons.

There has to be reasons for how the Hero Commission moves. There has to be reasons for how the police move. There has to be a reason that society is still allowed to go on like this, and that its become culturally acceptable.

If anyone out there can put all my rambling into clearer words and actively wants to, I would love that. Thank you for taking the time to read my mess!

xoxo Wild

#boku no hero academia #bnha analysis #my hero academia #analysis of hero and villains #deafmic #THIS IS A HUGE RAMBLING MESS #READ AT YOUR OWN COST #spoilers #manga spoilers

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smoothshift · 5 years ago

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The story of (and ode to) my $900 BMW E46. Long read ahead. via /r/cars

The story of (and ode to) my $900 BMW E46. Long read ahead.

https://i.imgur.com/hINwDHO.jpg

Decided to make this post after I saw the woes of the guy with the $900 Ranger. If you don't like the writings of Dostoevsky, Tolkien, and Edgar Allen Poe, move along...there may or may not be a tldr at the bottom.

I live in the absolute middle of nowhere in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. You can imagine the lack of car culture; there are as many car enthusiasts up here as there are Packers fans in Detroit. Well, I decided eventually I wanted a BMW, probably because I test drove an e46 328ci before I moved up north. I was 19, the year was 2015.

A 2001 330I on Craigslist caught my eye one day. He was asking $1200. It was a manual, had 167k miles, had the Sport Package (pre-ZHP), had a busted front bumper and crumpled hood, a missing sideskirt and a cracked rear bumper. Only one picture in the ad, salvage title. Hmm, I thought, doesn't look like the bumper was pushed back at all, so maybe it's not as bad as it looks. I called the guy and discussed the car. It ran and drove, just didn't look very good. We emailed back and forth a bit, and I decided to meet him.

Just so happened the car was six hours away, south of Grand Rapids. So next Saturday I jumped in my 2001 Sebring Coupe (what a glorious, reliable hunk of junk) and picked up my buddy Will to spot me back.

We arrived at the place, and there was the car. I think my heart did a little pitter patter. It was sitting in front of the guy's shop (he built and repaired stock cars for a living). Hood was up, and the car was running, but the idle was bouncing like crazy...sounded like a dying animal. I didn't know what was wrong, the guy didn't know what was wrong. I called a BMW dealer, got on the line with one of the techs, and basically was told that I needed to bring them the car before he could offer any advice. Great. Eventually we discovered a large vacuum leak on the lower intake boot. Duct tape fixed that problem. It's also worth noting that the headlights were in the trunk, as the guy had taken the car to the body shop after the wreck to assess it and they hadn't bothered to reinstall them. More on this later.

So then I test drove the car.

I didn't really know how to drive stick. But I winged it. Or wang it. Or whatever. Somehow I only stalled like 3 times before I got it back to the shop. I handed the guy $900 in cash (we hadn't discussed price, here again I "wang" it). He really had wanted $1200 but...we had a deal. He signed the title over. It was still a green title...the insurance company hadn't bothered to write the title off. Probably wasn't worth their time. SCORE.

Next came Phase 2 of the mission. I needed car parts. Luckily, I had been in contact with a guy in Kalamazoo who was parting out an identical 330I, also Schwartz II (AKA Model T Black), also Sport Package. So Will and I left the basketcase BMW and followed Maps in my Sebring...right into the hood of Kalamazoo. As a privileged white male, I was a little out of my comfort zone, to say the least. The GPS dropped us right outside of some kind of impound, and the cars parked outside were old 90s sedans with giant chrome wheels.

Hoo boy.

The impound gate was open and Will and I walked in where a bunch of dudes were standing around smoking. Alarm bells were going off in this country boy's head.

"Uh, I'm looking for a BMW that's being parted out?" The guys exchanged glances and then one said, "Oh I wonder if you're looking for Jose." One of them led me a couple doors down. We walked past a house where an 11 year old was casually smoking cigarettes on the porch. Then turned and walked into Jose's backyard. The big black guy rattled his screen door and he came out. "Bought a wrecked car man? I'll sell you the title for this one. Twenty bucks. Your insurance will be cheaper." I turned down his offer, no thank you, and bought $300 worth of hood, fender and bumper. Whew. We were ready to be out of there, though arguably hadn't seen any trouble, we were just rather uncomfortable there.

We bungeed the hood to the roof of the Sebring, and loaded the bumper inside. I know it took up significant space even with the back seat folded down, and to this day I don't remember how both Will and I fit in the car. But we did.

So we drove back to Wayland, where the e46 was, and bolted on the hood. We didn't want to bother with the latch, so we just took it off and bungeed it down to the bumper. We decided we had enough daylight left to drive back to my parents lived, which was around 3 hours, so we just left the headlights out. More on that later.

We were ready to embark with my "new" BMW. I pushed in the clutch, turned the key, the engine came to life. I put it in reverse, carefully feathered the clutch, and started backing out of the driveway. Oh, did I mention that the passenger side mirror was busted off? Well the passenger side mirror was busted off. IE, I couldn't see anything behind me on my right side. This was fine. I was feathering that clutch like a pro - didn't even stall. All was well until I felt the back end go down, and the front wheels come off the ground. I just backed the car INTO THE DITCH.

Will was doubled over laughing in my Sebring. I had to tuck my sorry tail between my legs, go back into the shop, tell the owner of my misdeed, and ask for help. He pulled me out, and I promised to treat the car better. I doubt he was very confident I would make it home.

Surprisingly, the first while of the journey was great. I adapted quickly to the clutch and shifter, and we made it to Subway to grab a bite to eat. And we got back on the freeway.

Well, about those headlights.

Something must have taken too long, because it started getting dark. We were hauling down the freeway and it looked like we didn't have much daylight left. I called Will.

"Hey I'm just going to hang on your bumper since I don't have headlights. Don't brake too hard, and drive careful." I've had other brilliant ideas as well, like modifying a mousetrap into a toenail clippers.

So we did, and the night came. People started flashing their lights at us, and somehow we didn't pass any cops. I think I might have been in a little hot water if we had. Finally I called Will again.

"Hey, I think we should probably pull over and see if we can put these headlights in. This is kinda stupid." So we did. I pulled one headlight out of the trunk, and put it in. I didn't bother with any hardware, just bungeed it in (bungee straps hold anything together. I'm pretty sure the USSR held together as long as it did due to bungee straps). Plugged in the light connector, and there was light. I went to turn the key...

...and it wouldn't turn.

I jumped onto Google and looked up the problem. Somehow no one else had experienced it. I was almost in tears. Here I was, stuck in my dream car at 10 o'clock at night, and I couldn't as much as turn the key. Will suggested that I wiggle the steering wheel. It worked! BMWs have really tight steering wheel locks compared to the crappy cars I had owned before. We made it the rest of the way to my folks and I ran Will home without further problems that night.

I had many adventures in that car. I named her Helga. In fact, I got a license plate that said "H3LGA." I drove that thing down many dirt roads, never got stuck! (It's worth noting that dirt roads up north are often pretty nice) Helga weathered several brutal winters, thanks to Hankook snow tires. That was the first car I ever put confidence in. I took her down to Virginia in the middle of the summer without AC. I whipped the curves of H58. I went camping and slept in the cramped backseat. I even...get this...beat stock Dodge Neons at the stoplight! I got through some of the loneliest times of my life with Helga as my friend that always was there for me. Sure, it cost me a clutch and flywheel, a CCV system refresh, several vacuum hoses, other random parts, and a differential (another story for another time) but it was SO WORTH IT. I think all in the car cost me about $4000 over the 50,000 miles/3 years that I owned it.

Last year, in the name of diversity and practicality I traded it for a beat up Honda Civic hatch. Stupidest thing I ever did. Current stable is a 1996 318ti and a 1988 535i, both manuals. I'm now addicted to cheap, old BMWs, and you can't talk me out of it.

I just deleted a thousand word rant about what happens when stupid people own BMWs. You're welcome.

Tl;Dr I bought a manual BMW for $900, owned it for 3 years, loved it, and put about $3000 in parts into it.

#reddit #autonews #auto #cars

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saidbyes-blog · 6 years ago

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( FRIEND OF GRANT'S ) ebony harrison ( 24 / she/they ): demigirl & friends who seemingly clicked despite emotional distance, and acquaintance of mallory's. ( nina nesbitt ) ( PACE / 20+ / SHE/HER )

hello ! so, i’m typing this up straight after acceptance ( lmao, talk about eager ) so hopefully anything i inevitably forget, i can add between now and when this’ll actually be posted, so you actually have some decent info to work with ! but i’m pace ( which is obviously an alias but,,,, pls just call me pace ! ) and my pronouns are she/her ! and moving on to the one you actually wanna know about...

—– ❀ okay, so !! as you can see above, ebony is a friend of grant’s ! on the surface, they seem to just ‘get’ eachother, but of course ebony is completely oblivious to who he really is and what he’s capable of. however, because ebony isn’t the most open and uhh,,, Not-Closed-Off as people, it kind of works ? in a,,,, neither of them ask too many questions kind of way ? it’s mutual, y’know ?she kind of sees him as a guy who’s Not Like The Other Guys ( while lowkey a voice in the back of her head is like ALL GUYS ARE LIKE THE OTHER GUYS ) and they just seem to Understand eachother. but ebony can be a sceptical little fuck, and she’s generally just Wary in general sometimes, but she also wants to believe that some people are good and their intentions are as they seem and it’s Pure. even if she EVER got creepy vibes from grant, she’d either be like CREEP EVIL NASTY BYE SEE YA or convince herself she’s making it up because of relationships with people in the past. but ofc, the worst part is that he’s never given her any reason to think grant is anything but just a nice, charming guy who’s maybe a little pretentious and quiet but that’s basically the worst thing about him, and if it were to happen now, she’s in too deep for it to be a red flag. yoikes. but we all know that to everyone else he just looks like a,,, Nice Guy. either way, he’s a friend, and their lack of actually being as close as they may seem isn’t that weird for her ( which i shall explain in a different bullet point bc this is long ! )

—– ❀ she isn’t a complete plum, and won’t turn a blind eye forever, but in the recent months/so far, she’s come to grant’s defence, thinking that anybody who’s pointed the finger at him is a) unoriginal and b) has clearly never met him. she thinks it’s cruel and unnecessary. like, her pov is that he lost his girlfriend, who told the story of what happened/was going to happen to her, and it’s as simple as that, in a ‘why would mallory write about that otherwise’ kind of way. she’s applying logic to it and i’m like oh,,, honey,,, you sweet summer child,,, plus, grant’s manipulative ass is looking all kinds of charming and innocent and whatever. HOWEVER, things slowly unfolding and eventually ebony beginning to question things ! yes pls ! internal conflict !

—– ❀ however, ebony also briefly vaguely knew mallory ! she attended a few of her yoga classes ages ago, and it’s a complete coincidence that ebony knew the both of them. if/when grant ever mentioned mallory to ebony, the name wouldn’t have clicked, and since she never met her outside of the classes, it took her a while to click why mallory looked so familiar when everything blew up after her death. it kind of weirds her out that someone she knew was murdered, and that it never clicked that Grant’s Girlfriend was the one who taught those yoga classes, but it’s just a complete coincidence !

—– ❀ TW FOR ABUSE MENTION: ebony hasn’t read the book, and doesn’t plan on it. she might one day if she’s feeling impulsive and self destructive, but because of the subject matter, she’s avoiding it. it had nothing to do with being grant’s friend ( even though most people would probably question if it’s the Moral and Ethical thing to do, that doesn’t even cross her mind -- she’s not the most moral of people tbh ) and has more to do with the fact that she’s been in an abusive relationship in the past, herself, and she’s just like............nope. ( / end of tw ! )

—– ❀ she didn’t grow up in new york, and has only called it home for for a few years. but she also travels a lot, and is very flaky, and can disappear for periods of time just to show up announced a few weeks later. it’s not weird for her to drop off the grid for a bit ( sounds safe, ebs ) and it’s not weird for her to ditch social circles and local hangouts in general and just ghost, and she’s also lived in several different states across the country. she cannot commit to anything ever, including places. it’s actually odd that she’s been in new york for so long, but she loves the energy and the spirit of the city. and it’s massive so if she tires of a certain spot, she can drift elsewhere ! plus.........plot convenience.

—– ❀ sometimes she might feel a little out of place tbh ! she’s not an academic and she definitely didn’t come from money, and doesn’t have an abundance of it now, either. she’s a bartender, as that’s always her job when i play her lmao, but i might give her another too but i’m still flipping back and forth so..... tbd !

—– ❀ TW FOR DEATH: a bit of background: she was born in california to amelia robinson & david harrison, a young couple who hadn’t been together all that long when they found out they were expecting, but were madly in love nonetheless. david was completely devoted to his daughter, but he sadly died when she was seven. after his death, some hard truths to swallow came out about him, and her already distraught mother was even more heartbroken. life was pretty rough after his death and her mother couldn’t really cope anymore and became someone that ebs ended up not really recognising, and she became kind of cruel. she’s since forgiven her mother for who she became and therefore how she then treated her daughter, but they’re not close. ebony left cali for a few years after turning seventeen, and when she returned at twenty, she found her father’s broken watch, which she sometimes still wears now. it looks out of place on her thin wrist, especially since the damn thing doesn’t work, but she likes it nonetheless and refuses to get it fixed. in ways like that, she can be,,, a little pretentious ( again, why her friendship with grant works ) and while we’re on the subject of that..... ( / tw ends ! )

—– ❀ her personality is a little messy. she can be very........difficult ? especially as a friend ? though she’s kind-hearted and forgiving and can be very gentle, she’s also temperamental and vague and selfish. she doesn’t mean to be selfish, but she just is. it’s,,, probably infuriating to some people ? as well as the fact that she’s very easily misunderstood due to being hard to understand. yet she also doesn’t like people making the effort to try and understand. yet also wants someone in her life who does understand her. like.........she wants something, but won’t let anybody make the steps to get the thing she wants ? like.............jfc, ebs. she also cannot deal with anything, and it’s not uncommon for somebody to think that everything is going fine and they’re getting on with her great, but then shit hits the fan and the real things happen and she’s like !!! bye !!! so, again, she’s a bit of a flight risk right now. bc like...... well, a murder’s a pretty big thing, my dudes. but also, in her mind, one of her friends is going through some Big Stuff what with his girlfriend being “murdered by her ex” so although most people would be like “gosh golly i should be there for him” there’s a part of ebony that’s like “cannot............deal...............want.......................to yeet.........” but because it’s his Trauma to deal with, it’s easier for her to stay. for example, if something happened between herself and grant that was mutual ( no matter what it was ) that caused angst, that’d be more of a reason for her to Yeet because it directly effects her ? if that at all makes sense ?

—– ❀ quick thing about gender and pronouns !! gender is messy and complicated ( to her ) and she accepted that long ago, but she identifies as a demigirl. her pronouns are she/her, HOWEVER she really appreciates when people use they/them when she hasn’t explicitly stated her pronouns to somebody. she just ,,, thinks it’s the respectful thing to do, but it also makes her feel Valid. she mostly identifies with the gender she was assigned at birth, and tends to present very femininely, but that doesn’t make her any less nb, y’know ? and she doesn’t like people,,, forgetting that she’s Not A Woman ? a lot of the time she’s worried people won’t see her as being nb and even her nb friends she’s sometimes convinced will just forget she’s Not A Woman ?? however, she’s okay with sometimes being referred to as a girl, but always on her own terms. like.......her mobile header literally says ‘sad girls club’ but like..... on her own terms, y’know ? so tldr: if we could pls refrain from referring to her as like ‘the woman’ or ‘the girl’ in threads, that’d be greatly appreciated !

—– ❀ some extras if you want to see/read more about the goblin: stats, playlist, pinterest, aesthetic, old drabbles*, old about/drabble. she doesn’t have a full bio, as the last one i wrote ended up being over 7k words and honestly.........who has the time

* if you click this one, please be aware that trigger warnings apply for abuse, as well as vague/tiny mentions of pregnancy.

extra connections !!! if u want !!!! idk !!!

—– ❀ friends from out of town ! if anybody is from anywhere else in the u.s outside of ny, or they spent a lot of time somewhere else, they totally could’ve known eachother a few years ago. bc ebony has lived in several different places, i can probably wiggle things around and make it work no matter what state they’ve lived in !

—– ❀ friends ! as you might’ve gathered from the rest of the intro, ebony can be a little Difficult, but she’s still kind at heart, and can be soft, and thoughtful ! so, friends that have no problem with her, friends who call her out on her bullshit, friends who she’s ditched in the past, friends she parties with, friends who have tried to Fix her, friends she trusts more than most, etc etc ! as the great sutton foster once said, anything goes !

—– ❀ fwb/hook-ups/flings/exes ! whether they’re things of the past or kind of ongoing, it’s pretty open ! ebony likes people of any and all genders, and ( not dissimilar to mallory, actually ! ) has no problems spreading her love around. which is basically the beating-around-the-bush way of saying she has a lot of sex with a lot of people, and i support her ( ... eh, when it’s healthy ) but one night stands, friends that have no problem keeping things causal, people she dated for a while, something that started casual but Feelings happened and it’s messy, all kinds of stuff is good to go !

—– ❀ people who were also in the yoga classes mallory taught at the time ! it would’ve been a while ago but if the Yoga Peoples would’ve been there back in the day too then perfect !

—– ❀ grant’s other friends ! people who met through grant ! we all have that friend we met through a mutual murderer, right ? or someone who eb met through grant and they can’t fucking stand eachother ? someone she met through grant but then shagged and now it’s awkward ? people who were actually friends with eachother first and one of them introduced grant to the other ? people who she only met at mallory’s funeral bc they were both there to support their murderous pal ? having the two of ‘em meet unrelated and then find out casually like oh shit u know my good bitch grant ? wild ! all kinds of shit !

—– ❀ roommates ! what are the realistic chances of a group of roomies all knowing either the gal who got murdered or her boyfriend ? slim as fuck but plot convenience !! maybe two or three roomies ? ny’s expensive and ebony isn’t a rich gal !

—– ❀ tbh though i also really love just.......... throwing the characters into a situation and seeing how things go, and having people meet for the first time and stuff, but i also love pre-plotted and intenser stuff, and messy/complicated plots work really well with eb ! i love all kinds of things, i’m down for w/e. while we’re on connections though, i tend to suck with plotting and i’m sometimes a little slow with ims, but i just want to make that Known so it’s not taken personally or anybody thinks i’m not interested anymore or anything ! i’m definitely replying, i promise !

okay so if you read all of this, you’re a saint and greatly appreciated ! apologies for the rambling ! feel free to drop by if you’d like to plot or anything like that ! ps. pls enjoy the fact that i scheduled this while watching the ted bundy thing on netflix, bc it tickled me. bit too fitting huh lads.

#minehqintro #❀ — ʜᴏᴡ ɢᴏᴅᴅᴀᴍɴ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ɪ ᴀᴍ ﹙ooc.﹚#so fun fact i had this scheduled bc i was p sure i wasn't gonna be around #and yet.......here i am......#available for posting in Real Time #HELLOOOO

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lisbonsteresa · 7 years ago

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in defense of wyatt's ill-timed confession: the man was also grieving and did not seem in control of his emotions. don't get me wrong i think it was incredibly poor writing and seemed like a hail mary for lyatt fans (which i still am deep down) but it was so poorly executed and really shouldn't have happened at all in that moment, however he is grieving rufus and had several traumatic events on top of immense guilt. anyway i dont feel like any confession on his part should have happened in s2

Thing of it is nonnie, I would have probably let that ‘confession’ stand and not had any feelings on it one way or another had he not brought up Rufus. This season has brought lyatt to such an ‘eh’ place for me that despite what was said in that scene, or how Lucy reacted, I wouldn’t have given it much credence and let it play out however it did and kept my thoughts to myself. But since he did bring Rufus into it, the whole speech makes me angry instead.

For the one thing, I don’t think Rufus gave even the slightest shit about what was going on with Wyatt-Lucy-Jessica after 2.06. Because he had more important things to worry about. (in all honesty i don’t think he cared too much about it before that because he had Jiya’s visions and other missions to think about, but he did comment on it so I’ll allow it). Rufus learns that he’s going to die, and that very understandably takes vast precedence over whatever mess of a love triangle Wyatt’s got going on. (I would even argue that from 2.06 onward we get almost a clear-cut split between the W-L-J plot and the Rufus and Jiya plot - there are still moments when they all interact, but they don’t involve discussing their relationships until Rufus - very rightly - tells Wyatt off in the finale.)

Even if we allow the idea that Rufus was concerned about what was going on with Wyatt’s situation throughout the whole season, he sure as hell wasn’t after one third of that triangle took the love of his life captive and stole the Lifeboat. “You got so caught up in this Lucy and Jessica soap opera that you forgot there are other people in this bunker, people who love each other” is a pretty clear indicator that Rufus was waaaaaay far off of the ‘ss lyatt’ (or the ss jyatt or the ss anything involving those idiots). He was most certainly not standing in the background, wishing and hoping and cheering for a lyatt reunion, and even if he was, you could not pay me all the money in the world to think he would react with ‘it’s about damn time’.

Maybe if Wyatt had reacted differently to his callout in 2.01 he may have said that. Maybe in the aftermath of Hollywoodland he said/thought that. But after 2.04? (sub-point that adds to this; I believe @trash-by-european-villains made a post of a similar nature where they said that Rufus is loyal. he is a loyal friend to Wyatt, yes, but he’s also a loyal friend to Lucy. and he might have been pushing Wyatt to say something during WWII and waving metaphorical pom-poms after 2.03, but just because he was the captain of the lyatt cheering squad for the first few episodes (a separate issue altogether, but i digress) does not mean that he would continue supporting them being together after the mess that happened with Jess. He spent the rest of the season supportive of Wyatt making a go of it with Jess but also there to comfort Lucy in her reactions to it (when he was included in that plot at all) and honestly if you think he was still waiting in the wings for a lyatt reunion after seeing how hurt Lucy was by the entire situation, then I’m inclined to think you don’t think too much about Rufus as his own character or about Rufus and Lucy’s friendship.

And especially after 2.06? Nope, nuh-uh, he had his own shit to deal with. And that shit came into direct conflict with Wyatt’s shit and he was not happy about it, so honestly get outta here with that ‘it’s what Rufus would have wanted’ bs because I do not think he could have cared less about lyatt with everything else going on. (also, small, petty point becauseimstillmadwelosthimatall - Rufus is……how should I say this…dead. you know what he wanted? to not die. Rufus doesn’t give a single fuck about who you love ‘wherever he is’ Wyatt, and I’m so mad that they gave him the gall to include that line at all).

Moving on - and more to your point nonnie - I get that Wyatt was grieving and not fully in control of his emotions/actions, I will most definitely allow him that. He has gone through a lot of confusing feelings this season, and then in the finale he was ‘betrayed’ (quotes because I’m still not over that whole storyline and wow. much shock.) by the person he saw as his family, loses his wife all over again - this time by her choice and taking his child with her - and then loses his best friend. So of course he’s a mess, I get that. However…..know who’s also a mess? Know who also lost any family they had left, and their best friend, and even themselves? Lucy.

Lucy Preston has systematically been broken down through this entire season; she has lost everything and she has gone to a VERY dark place (I’m talking dark and scary and violent- let’s not forget that if that gun has been loaded, Lucy would have sprayed Emma’s brain all over that alley). And I don’t know if that ‘confession’ was supposed to be Wyatt comforting her or a nice moment for them to bond over their shared pain, but it sure as hell was neither for me. Lucy has spent the majority of this season having to grin and bear her way through this whole Jessica situation; had to deal with the pain of losing Wyatt and then seeing him (and hearing him) with his wife every damn day; had to deal with Wyatt wanting to have his cake and eat it to, with him not understanding that she needed space and instead expecting their relationship to be as close and comfortable as it had been, and damn that is a lot. And then on top of that she has losing her mom, losing Amy, losing Rufus piling onto her shoulders. If anyone should be making wild statements and confessions, it should be Lucy.

Putting all that aside, the timeline of the episode and how it led to Wyatt’s ‘confession’ irks me. Whatever your feelings on Jessica, it is made very clear that Wyatt loved and likely still does love her. It might not be the same way he did before the reveal; he might not want to, but this woman was his family and he spent years trying to get her back and she is carrying his child and he still has a connection to and feelings for her. Even if you want to argue that the feelings are only about the baby, they’re still there. We go from Wyatt pleading Jess to stay with him, telling her through teary eyes that he’s her family, he and the baby are her family and her future, and stopping Flynn from shooting at her because she’s carrying his child, to Wyatt sitting next to Lucy and essentially telling her he’s been in love with her the whole time. And it just doesn’t match up with what we’ve seen and it doesn’t make sense.

Because that means that either Wyatt HAS been in love with Lucy this whole time, but he still tried to make things work with Jess (not supported by the plot, but ya know) which isn’t fair for either woman but is honestly cruel to Lucy, because in that case there was no reason for her to go through so much pain on Wyatt’s behalf when he could have just told Jess from the start he had fallen for someone else; or (supported by the plot) he did have feelings for Lucy but he got his wife, who he never properly let go of/moved on from, back, and he stopped whatever he had started with Lucy to try again with Jess, in which case I still maintain it could have been handled SO much better but his actions are more understandable. But if it is the latter, than the show just stomps all over everything it had previously told us by having Wyatt say he’s been in love with Lucy and ‘should have said it a long time ago, but I didn’t so I’m saying it now’.

The whole thing feels very contradictory and - to ME - really just makes Lucy look like a second choice. By which I mean Wyatt went through all this drama, all this mess with Jess, and then after her secret was revealed - again, much shock. - and he STILL ran after her and tried to convince her to stay with him, maybe 3-4 hours later he’s telling Lucy he’s loved her through all of it, which, no, doesn’t hold water for me. Lucy does not deserve that being thrust on her with everything else she’s dealing with, regardless of Wyatt’s state of distress/unstable emotion.

And, to bring the two points - kind of - together, she REALLY did not need Wyatt’s feelings thrust upon her with the added note - and pressure - that this is what Rufus would have wanted. Which just…..mhmhm that was so unnecessary. Because - again, to ME - that makes it feel like Lucy is almost being guilted. ‘It’s what Rufus wanted’ - well first of all, no, second of all it makes it seem like she’d be disrespecting Rufus’s memory or his wishes if she DOESN’T respond to this positively. And I know that’s not the intention, but wow it sure is what I got out of it.

So…..TLDR nonnie; while I can understand and sympathize to a certain extent with the pain and turmoil and guilt Wyatt is feeling, the timing and phrasing of his ‘confession’ really rubbed me the wrong way and I don’t feel like it benefited anyone other than Wyatt himself.

#(you and i do agree that the writing was terrible and it shouldn’t have happened at least lol)#wy*tt critical #ly*att critical #a little nightcap

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vampirequeenoffan · 6 years ago

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yes hello im feeling your trollhunters opinion!! do u also feel like Merlin is super shady? I don't think he did a single thing since he showed up that can be considered 'good', he doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself, and after what he did to get Jim to turn into a troll (cutting him off from his entire support network, playing on his insecurities) I thought he'd turn out to be the Ultimate Villain of the show right up until the end, when he wasn't.

HOOOBOY do I ever have FEELINGS about this (which will once again be under the cut because SCREAMING)

First off, holy fuck, THANK you. Your message means a lot to me (as do the other nice messages and comments I got on my post! It feels great to know I’m not the only one who felt like there was something wrong with this ending).

Second.

Yeah, what in the fuck is up with Merlin? I liked him for a good thirty seconds after he was introduced– I’m a bit of a sucker for the ‘ancient and powerful being of legend is actually Not At All What Anyone Thought trope’ tbh. But the novelty quickly wore off and you’re absolutely right– I totally thought he was going to be the show’s Ultimate Villain. I usually love asshole characters, so the fact that Merlin is so much of an asshole that I hated him is… impressive, in a weird way. And the list of characters I’m crazy about contains several serial killers, so the bar is real low.

Let’s break this down.

Merlin, upon reentering the picture, does the following:

–Gets passive-aggressively mad at the Trollhunters for not getting him his staff

Which, y’know, could’ve been avoided if he’d just asked to have the staff in the same room with him when he’d been buried. He also had no reason to be mad, considering his plan was to release Morgana all along, and had the Trollhunters actually taken back the staff they then would’ve had to fight their way into Trollmarket in order to free Morgana, which… would have been difficult. That, or they’d have had to turn the staff over to Gunmar anyway, so again, no reason for Merlin to be mad.

Personally I totally agree that they should’ve left Morgana in there, or at least had some semi-automatic weapons ready when they did release her (because if the USA is going to have shitty gun control laws we might as well use them to destroy evil witches, amiright?), but this is about Merlin’s reaction, not mine.

Also, if this was his plan all along, he could’ve left instructions about that. So that, y’know, Drall didn’t die trying to stop Gunmar from taking the staff. You know. That little detail.

–Repairs Jim’s amulet

On the surface this is good, except that, again, he wouldn’t have had to do this if he’d written the directions to his tomb on anything else. He could’ve even had the instructions in like, the spirit room that the dead trollhunters live in, if he was really that determined to make sure it was trollhunter-specific.

–Threatens to eat Toby

????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿???????

What even happened here. What. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, it really added to the ‘what the fuck even is going on with him’ vibe that Merlin has, but why? Did he just… hang out with trolls too much? But only the evil trolls did that. What even was happening here. And why Toby? Was it process of elimination because he though Claire was hot (which, uh, creepy) and he needed Jim, or was this a… fat joke? I honestly have no idea.

–Gives them a laundry list of complicated as fuck items to collect

Merlin is an asshole who should’ve gotten his groceries himself. Nuff said. Oh wait, not enough said, because one of those things was literally lightning in a goddamn bottle, which they needed the help of actual goddamn aliens to get, so Merlin, with no knowledge of modern technology, really should have known he needed to at least get that one by himself.

What a guy.

–Destroys Jim’s vespa

Okay, this probably seems petty. ‘Merlin literally kickstarted the apocalypse, why do you care about the vespa?’ Well, because it wasn’t just any piece of machinery. Jim had been wanting a vespa for a very, very long time– for him, it was a dream, then a symbol of normalcy, and then it became even more than that when he finally got one– by building it with Blinky. It was a project he undertook alongside his father figure, likely took weeks of work, and was a physical reminder of how much Blinky cared about him.

Merlin destroys it and uses it to make armor.

Now, there’s some symbolism here. Merlin is destroying the vespa– symbol of Jim’s old life– and using it to forge armor– transforming his old life into something that protects his friends. It’s not unlike what his amulet has done to him, or what Merlin later tries to do by making Jim into a troll. Which, yeah, I’ve covered being a shitty tactical decision and I’m going to go over even more reasons why it’s terrible in a minute.

Point is, dick move. He could’ve used literally any other kind of metal, so the only upside here is symbolism and, let’s be real, it’s a metaphor is not a good reason to do dumb shit.

–Champions releasing Morgana

I was really happy that everyone yelled at him about this one. I was less happy that that was all that happened. Merlin did, clearly, just want his magic back. If he didn’t, he would have just left Morgana in her goddamn crystal like a sensible person, or at the very least agreed to help take out Gunmar before handling Morgana. It’s just common sense to divide and conquer– yes writing a paper is very hard, but it’s a lot easier to do that when your house isn’t on fire. Dealing with problems separately makes them all a lot less taxing, or in this case, a lot less deadly! There are so many people that would still be alive if Merlin, after being asleep for hundreds of years, had just been able to wait a few more goddamn weeks to have his fingersparkles back.

–Emotionally manipulates Jim into becoming a troll

This fucker. This assclown. You’re absolutely right– he cuts him off from everyone he knows and refuses to let him go rescue his mom, does that shitty parent thing where you guilt someone by saying “It’s your choice whether or not to do the right thing…” and spews some shit about destiny and just generally uses his title of Old Guy Who Knows Stuff to tell Jim that he Has To Do This, but it’s Totally Your Choice.

I thought, when Jim’s mom rescued herself (go Barb go!!!) and came running up to the bathroom door, that he would stop. Because that was the whole reason Jim was going to go through with the transformation– it was the only way Merlin would let him go save his mom. The fact that he just kinda… ignored the fact that they were out there yelling for him? Yeah, that was dumb. Even if he wanted to go through with it, he should have talked to his friends and family first. That was, uh, the whole lesson he learned from going into the Darklands alone. We’ve been down this road, Jim, it’s depressing.

And then Merlin’s just… useless. He can’t beat Morgana, his tactics suck ass, and the only thing he does from that point on is try to get other people to die for him– looking at you, Aargh. I’m so glad you’re still alive.

So, to reiterate, Merlin shows up, fucks shit up, and then doesn’t fix any of the fucked up shit. On top of that, he’s an asshole the entire time– the “real battle of Killahead” line was just the tip of the douchebag iceberg (though ‘all you folks who died during this battle didn’t matter’ was a hell of a way to kick that off, I agree). But… why?

You’re right, we don’t know why he and Morgana started this pissing contest. We don’t even know why he took her on as an apprentice in the first place, or what connection the two of them had to trolls at all– presumably a strong one, considering how much they both tried to fuck with the future of the species. Before we met Merlin, none of these things had to be defined– Morgana and Merlin were vague enough as figures that we could imagine any number of things that had led to the current state of being. I, personally, imagined Merlin as being more invested in humans than trolls, which made sense to me because he was on the side of the trolls that didn’t hurt humans and his amulet placed a huge amount of value on Jim’s humanity. But then it’s revealed that Merlin actually doesn’t give a shit about humans at all, as he apparently eats them, doesn’t mind putting the entire town of Arcadia in danger, and tells Jim that his humanity doesn’t matter and he’s better off being a troll.

Same for Morgana. I thought her whole deal was that she wanted trolls to be the dominant species, but then she says Gunmar is disposable and doesn’t seem to give a shit about his conquest of the surface? If she didn’t actually care about trolls conquering humans, why in the hell did she want to bring about the eternal night?

So, again, what was happening and why were they so invested in the future of trollkind? If it wasn’t, like I thought, about whether humanity or trolls should be dominant, what possible reason could they have for interfering? Presumably at one point they got along, because Morgana was Merlin’s apprentice, but the only reason we get for her hating him is that he took her hand to make the amulet. . . except, wait, he did that after she started trying to bring about the eternal night. Forget why she cared about that, if he didn’t care about humans then why did he?

TLDR, Merlin’s an asshole, his decisions make no sense, and when you poke at things he creates plotholes in the entire series that weren’t there prior to his introduction. Also he’s the worst.

#Trollhunters #Trollhunters spoilers #anonymous #I really love this show okay! I wouldn't be this upset if I didn't #It's like how I fucking love Danny Phantom but Phantom Planet can suck my dick #a bad ending can be worse than no ending at all

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animemeg27 · 4 years ago

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hhhhhhhhhhhh so.. it’s december.. the hell..

I’m not one to really go out and make plans, I’m an introvert to hell and back, but of course the one year I try to all hell breaks loose and I can’t go anywhere without potentially endangering family.

Normally canceled plans don’t bother me, like going to at least one anime con each year is something I look forward to but that’s gone and past and I’m totally ok with it. I’ve zero problems with staying home during this whole world madness, I’ve always preferred to just stay home and do nothing anyway. I’ve always preferred avoiding people.

And I guess I’m having a severely delayed reaction or something cuz most people got upset about canceled plans when the lockdown began while I’ve taken like an extra 9 months before I’ve felt anything similar lol

But I guess I’m just at this really weird part of my life where I just need to do something again. Like I need to take control of my life, but meaning like taking matters into my own hands. Like if I wanna do something, don’t wait around for an opportunity, MAKE the opportunity. Like before all this, literally as midnight struck for the new year I was like, I dunno when I’m going back to uni, so I dunno when it’ll be possible for me to study abroad, so screw it I don’t need uni to travel I wanna travel abroad NOW. So I did a hell of a lot of research and did a whole bunch of calculations that whole month of January so that I could plan a trip to Japan towards the end of the year.

Well the time period of when I initially had in mind when that trip would be has gone and past. Which I had no problems with in the beginning of the year because hey, it’s an extra year to save up.

But there’s just something about this trip and this year that just makes me feel like,, I’ve gotta get outa this fucking country lol even for just a bit

Now, on the hope that things’ll be kinda better by then, I’m still waiting for the prices for next years flights for around the same time cuz google only goes so far on the calendar, but ngl I’ve genuinely started thinking about just straight up moving there on a student visa to learn Japanese. Literally the only thing holding me back aside from the world mess is my dog who turns 14 next month and although we all still call him a puppy he is an old puppy and reality is, a short vacation away and it’s highly unlikely I’ll miss anything, but a solid 2 years half way across the world?? I’ll stay with my puppy dog before I make dramatic moves like that thankya very much.

But boy does the idea of just living in Japan sound even more appealing each day. Crazy enough, I never thought I’d even consider it cuz I’m fully aware I’m very attached to my current home where I’ve lived my whole life. I mean, I still don’t think I could live there forever, 5 years might be my limit, up to 10 years is REALLY pushing it. But a solid 2 years seems nice. Not too short, not too long. The only challenge would be managing money and being able to find scholarships to help out or even find a part time job in Japan. The only people who wouldn’t be surprised by this idea are my parents cuz they were convinced I was gonna move to Japan way back when I was in middle school and I thought they were crazy for believing that lol

But the sims 4 released a Japanese themed expansion pack in November and since then I’ve started watching nothing but speed builds on Japanese houses and other themed lots and got dragged back into watching J-Vloggers. And it just really hit me like I wish I was there. I could have been there. It makes me want to add a few more days to my initial travel plan just to get the most out of everything and have enough time to really absorb and take in the surroundings. And then I go back to thinking about moving. Like if I try to move should I even bother being a tourist first? I’d really like to visit and take someone on the journey with me, but I’d also save all that money spent on the trip for the move in process and the first however long to get settled in if I don’t go. As an introvert I’ve never had a problem doing things alone, I go to anime cons alone all the time, and I know Japan is safer than most places for someone on their own, but it’s still just that much more fun with at least one other person to share the experience with.

I’m still miles away from canceling that trip. It’s just the longer it’s postponed the more I just want to move instead, almost to make up for the lost time this year has taken from most people. But a small trip is definitely more manageable. I’d just need another extra year or so after the trip to save up money again for a move. Visit, Uni, Move? Or Visit, Move, Uni? I feel like I’ll still want to study abroad with Uni but that almost feels redundant,, If I don’t study abroad I want proper Japanese lessons but that somehow also feels redundant but by the time I move I’d simply be studying at a higher level and be able to communicate a bit better......

If you’ve actually read all this congrats and forgive me for going all over the place lol tldr; I just wanna go out and do something fun and experience something new. The wait for vaccines is suddenly, oddly hard. I’m literally not doing anything until the big wave of vaccines are out. But it’s January all over again; I can’t stop thinking about Japan.

#long post #baby bat unmuted #uuuuh rant?#not rant?#my brain is just throwing out words #tldr #I just wanna go to Japan man #just let me fantasize about traveling for a bit qwq

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burn-this-world · 6 years ago

Text

The apology I never sent:

To: Her

From: Me

Subject: Don’t freak out. This is a good this, I swear!

(Im sending this with the assumption the email address will go to spam like you had it set before. If it hasn’t; or your reading this because you looked in the folder, then I’m sorry this is long...

I hope you can smile by the end of it. Please read it before you decide what to do. I know it’s a breach of the dvo, and there is nothing that will follow this. Please don’t take offence.)

Hi, Dana,

It’s been a while, a long long while, don’t freak out please. I have the best intentions.

One sentence tldr: I am doing great, I’m not that person anymore, and I have moved on as a much better person because of it, and just needed to apologise for the pain I caused when I broke down, to feel at peace with my growth and like a good person again.

Look, I know this is probably too soon, and what you do with the email is completely up to you. Im really hoping enough time has passed that this will be okay... I know you have a whole different life now, and so do I, and I will continue to respect your space and this distance. I’m not here to disrupt your new path, cause any fear, or change your mind, hear me out.

These last few month have been some of the best of my life. I feel like a happy, healthy, well-regulated person for the first time in my life. I hadn’t thought about you in months.

After I read your affidavit at court that day, it made me see how toxic I was and how not okay my actions toward you were. It made me so ashamed that it forced me to take accountability for fixing myself and my life.

I feel like I’ve made so much progress to being the best me possible and loving myself for the first time ever. The final item to cross off the list and truly close that chapter, is to apologise to you for what I did. That is all really. I have also written the entire story behind it as to hopefully fully explain my thinking of taking this stupid stupid stupid risk of sending this apology. So here goes;

I hope you’re happy, I truly, honestly do. There is no jealousy or hate in my words. When I hit rock bottom, reading your affidavit was a painful truth. Ever since then, i became determined to bounce back, better and stronger than before, and never ever be that manipulative, unstable, abusive, dependant asshole again. I’m proud of how far I’ve come in keeping that word to myself.

Im not trying to be apart of your life with this, that is not the point of what I’m trying to say. It’s to say I’ve come so far healing, that if I re-lived the breakup as strong as I am now, I would high five you whenever you had had decided to tell me about that night, like the friend I said I’d be would have done. And I suppose that’s the point of this, it is not to you my ex-girlfriend, it is to you my ex-best friend.

I would have been more supportive of your decision and not the jealous, emotional and abusive way I was. I am honestly happy for you, whatever you’re up to. I’m sure you’re doing big things, and I wish nothing but the best for your future, I know you’ll kill it.

You breaking things off was the best decision for both of our sakes, and I’m thankful you were storing enough to do it. I mean, sure... it does suck a little that I ruined us being able to be friends... but from it I learned to be a better person, so it wasn’t for nothing. I’m better focused on the whole picture of my life, and so driven to succeed at it, with happiness. I’ve stopped letting a small moment that everyone goes through(and better than I did) hold me back.

I know a lot happened that is probably unforgivable, and I know I made your life harder than it should have ever been, and I regret that a lot... I said and did some shameful things, but please know that is not who I am any more. I am somebody to be proud of. And, as jealous and mad as I was towards Kurt, I am happy you guys found each other and have lasted, honestly. Congratulations on one year.

As much as my friends say it shouldn’t be any of your business where I’m at, a bit of me still kind’ve thinks you might care that I’m doing well too, and that I am doing so much better with my mental health. You always cared through everything, even as I was horrible.

I need you to know I’m not that scary person anymore, and I really really don’t want you to remember me like that. I’ve never been able to say this before in my life, but I am finally honestly happy and proud of where I am. I’m a new person, one at peace, one who will not try and talk to you if see me, or try and get your attention with stupid shit. One who has truly moved on, free of my mental instability.

I took responsibility for learning to be better from my actions, and I’m now ready to move out on my very own, and cant still buy a new car. I religiously go to the gym, and play golf every weekend. I even quit smoking and gambling, as well as drugs, and cut down alcohol, I even started playing music again! It took a year of therapy, and several books, and month of work. But I did get better.

I’m proud of my progress, and I hope you can be to. I feel better than I ever have, I feel unstoppable. I learnt to love myself, and understand my mind, before trying to love anyone else, and I think I’ve finally found happiness with that. I’m ready to be a part of the world again; and this is me stepping into it again.

I expected me to take longer to get to this point, but here I am, and the last step to my “bounce back” plan is to say thank you:

Thank you for everything you did for me. Like when you went looking for me and stayed with me at hospital, and thank you for always worrying about my feelings and wanting the best for me. I never showed it at the time, but I really do appreciate everything you did for me. All the care you showed me. I am so sorry for how I treated you and for how I took advantage of your caring nature and pushed you as far as I did. I was so toxic and abusive, and I wish I could change that. I wish I was never the reason you shed a tear, or made you fear an order was the only way to feel safe. That was not fair to you at, and I’m so sorry. I will never put another woman through that again.

I let myself get out of control and emotionally unstable, and let myself give up, and nothing I did was at all okay, but...living through it has made me learn so much about stopping myself ever being like that again, so it wasn’t for nothing in the endZ

In hindsight, I am so grateful for everything you did for me, you truly are one of the kindest caring people I’ve ever met, and I’m thankful to have met you.

Not that it matters now but, I really didn’t know you couldn’t block my email address. That’s my mistake.

—————

I’m really really hoping there has been enough time and space to make this okay. There’s honestly no pressure for you to reply, it’s all good, but I really hope you could find it to trust that there is nothing more coming, and not tell the police. I really don’t want to breach my probation, which this is, and I really want them to let me go to America this year. I fully intend to follow the dv rules from here on out, i just needed you to have the apology you deserve.

I hope you are at a happy place now too and can appreciate this apology, and hopefully smile at the fact. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

I wish you all the best, and if you tell Kurt about this, please also tell him I’m sorry for trying to punch him that time. From what I’ve been told he’s a really nice guy, and I really am glad you found someone that makes you happy. Also, I’m sorry you got hurt in the crossfire of that punch. I would never intentionally hit you, and even accidentally doing so makes me sick to the stomach with disgust. I regret that night so much. I wish you both nothing but good luck and happiness, honestly. I have nothing but support for you guys.

I’m going back to not thinking about you now, don’t worry about that. All I needed was make it right, and this was it. You don’t need to respond, that is not the point. I will not be following this up with anything else, you have my word. I haven’t in 12 months, I can do it again.

(I know I’ve said things like this before, but this time is different. I hope I conveyed this in exactly the right way to make sure my good intention isn’t misconstrued.)

Best of luck with everything in your future, Dana. I hope you find what you’re looking for, whatever that is. I hope you kill it at life.

Peacefully, with kind regards,

An older, wiser, not-so-crazy-anymore old-friend.

“Please, God, may she smile from this.” - wrth

————————————————————————

P.S

I make a lot of money now, I’m a business development manager for Telstra now, and I have that money I said I’d pay you back set aside waiting. If you ever need it, someone can tell me where to transfer it and it’s done.

I hope you saw Eden. It was awesome.

Don’t forget, new Buzzfeed Unsolved was released this weekend.

Katie let slip you spoke to her, also. I don’t care, but I don’t want the same thing to happen as what has with her. When she saw me she was so scared that I was going to hit someone or get angry, even saying “that’s not my boyfriend” out of nowhere. It absolutely broke my heart to see what I did to her. I don’t want you to be like that if you see me. Please just know; if you see me, I will run away,. I’m not going to go anywhere near you, and I’m certainly not gonna start a fight. I am not threat.

I do hope some day you might be able to unblock me, or catch up for smashed avo and coffee at wheelhouse, no talk about what happened. That would be nice. It would be nice to see how far you’ve come, how things are, whats been achieved. Hopefully when there’s been enough time, we can laugh about it all.

Sorry for writing so much. I have written this apology 100 different times in the last week, trying to keep it short with the perfect words as to stay out of legal trouble. You know how I try and over explain things...

I tried religion eventually, like you suggested. I even prayed a few times. It wasn’t for for me, but I hope he’s on my side tonight that this works out as I’ve explained above. Not with any problems.

Apologies to all those caught in my line of fire. I don’t hate any of you, and I don’t have any bad feelings about it, so don’t worry about me if you run into me, I’ll just blend into the background.

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blue-cucco · 8 years ago

Text

Life Update

ok so just a general life update on a few things because I’ve only been posting negative text posts for quite some time now... I apologize, it’s been a really rough year so far but also a good year? It’s definitely been better than last year, at least I think so... maybe about the same. Maybe my outlook has changed a little.

I think the difference is while last year the bad outweighed the good, this year I’m trying to be conscious of and cling to the good things happening in my life so I don’t slip into despair. Leaving college and entering what adults call ~the real world~ has been one of the hardest transitions in my life, because I loved school and getting an education. I would live the rest of my life that way if you let me. But, sadly, I must let it go...

Before I switch to readmore, I’d like to thank everyone who’s supported me and let me vent in the past several months. 2016 was hard and 2017 seems like it’ll be harder sometimes. I often find myself wishing it was 2014-2015 again, and that I was in a better place, but I realize that I have to make that better place... so I’m at least working on it again.

I’ve put everything into bullets to help condense the reading a little bit, because I know it may be long.

-The job I got back in March was a summer job. I was not told this at the time, so when they didn’t contact me for two months, I assumed I no longer had the position, as that happens A LOT. But they finally got in contact with me, so I can start training for the job. Better to have some job than no job, right?? :^( I believe it bleeds into the school year as well.

-I will take this job and work retail on the side to make some extra money, as my extreme pennypinching in the past year has led to me falling behind on necessities, such as clothing, and my car’s AC has been broken for years and it’s becoming a problem. The extra money will go into a list of necessities, and once those are caught up, they will go into saving money to move out + pay down on loans better.

-My car’s AC has been broken for about 3 years now. We typically fix car problems ourselves, but we can’t get to the bottom of what’s caused the AC to go out, so we plan to take it to get it fixed professionally. I will pay whatever this cost is, as long as it’s $1000 or less, as the car is 16-17 years old. The car still runs really well otherwise and is in amazing condition -- it just has a black interior and I can’t risk heatstroke or passing out at the wheel driving every summer anymore. I should not be driving a car that’s 100+ degrees inside and I feel so ashamed when people catch me sitting in my car with all the doors and hatches open trying to get it safe enough inside for me to drive (it takes about 15-30 minutes).

-My car’s buttons (windows) also are all hooked up wrong and loose and it needs a fix. If I’m driving with the windows down and it starts to rain, I have to pull over, come around, and individually open each door and roll the windows up and down on them. Not cool.

-It would be nice to get an updated radio installed -- it would only cost me about $50-100 to do so, and it means I can use an Aux cord instead of buying a $40 adapter every 3 years. Still need to give this some thought.

-I can also get a discount wherever I wind up working my little retail job (ideally) so I can buy books or what have you so that I can still have some nice purchases for me sometimes. It’s been really tight since my loans started, and I haven’t been able to have any treat yourself purchases since the beginning of this year.

-It’s been two weeks out from the interview and the design job hasn’t called me -- so I will be taking the summer position. They said they would call this week, but since they haven’t contacted me, I’ll just assume I don’t have it. In the small chance I wind up being selected, I will drop everything and head to this position instead, as it is full time with benefits and it uses my bachelor’s.

-I applied for about 15 design positions within an hour of my hometown. One of them offered me $8.15/hr. Really sucks. But I will persevere. I may consider moving up towards DC or Boston at some point in the future so I can commute into the city and work there. It would also bring me closer to my long distance boyfriend.

-The good news is for now, my job at the summer position uses both my degrees at once, though mostly uses my education master’s, so I’m not technically underemployed.

-My current client signed on for me to complete more work for them, which is exciting. So I’m still doing design work.

-I was worried about being able to pay my loans in May and June because the summer job has 1.5 months of sporadic training, but my latest freelance payment is enough to cover both payments!

-My boyfriend has stepped in to pay the fees for creative cloud until I get on my feet enough to pay the monthly fee for it again. He’s the best.

-Boyfriend and I are (tentatively) planning a visit in late May before my summer job starts, as we’re both about to get very busy. We’re planning to take some day trips up to Boston, which I have only visited once. If I take the design position, I will not take this trip.

-My cat of nearly 18 years passed away last month. It’s been hard, but not impossible like I thought it would be.

-I have a 7 month old kitten now as well. I love him a lot and he’s a good companion to have.

-I’ll go ahead and put this here because my dad asked: I am not going to apply for a teaching job in the fall unless I find one that appeals to me. Judging by my student teaching experience, which was good, but had a few problems, it feels like right now I can’t step into a classroom for the long term without pursuing therapy, as a lot of my trauma happened in school systems.

-Speaking of therapy, I spoke with my mom about starting anxiety medication and she’s supportive. For those who have known me for a long time, just 4 years ago she was against the idea. I desperately needed the help 4 years ago, and while the need now isn’t desperate, I feel it is necessary.

-I’ve been fighting all of my mental health problems all my life without any professional help outside of a few school counselors (and they counseled me on bullying only).

-I am basically manually squashing my anxiety, watching it seep into something else, squashing it out, watching it move... it’s really annoying. I’ve gotten really good at managing it, but it takes a lot of time and energy. I had time and energy in college to work on this, but I can no longer realistically squash it with the frequency that I could in the past.

-This is not only due to constant exhaustion from doing this for 3. years. straight. but also me realizing that I don’t have to live this way -- I can vastly improve my quality of life.

-Also I’ve needed a therapist for like 15 years anyway. So I’d like to at least see someone long enough to get medication or new coping methods to try.

TLDR

-The job I got in March is still on and I’m accepting it if no other opportunities show up

-Training starts next week, but it’s sporadic and spread out over 1.5 months

-I want to get a job on the side in retail or do more freelance for extra $$

-Hopefully I can use the money to fix my car problems

-I still have freelance work going on

-I’ll finally be working on a regular schedule again, and I’m very based in routines so this past year or no routine has been very hard

-My cat passed last year but I’m doing okay and have a kitten

-My finances are Relatively Okay Right Now (TM) considering where I’m at

-I will hopefully get help for anxiety??? after 15 years???

-I might get to see my boyfriend soon?!!?!

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rubikanon · 6 years ago

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Can I ask you how you feel about underage fanfiction authors? I read this Ginmione-thingy the other day, which I really enjoyed, and which was also hella smutty. Afterwards I found out that the author was a teenage girl who is barely old enough to drive and. I don't know, that made me feel kind of cringey. I mean, in the end it's all fictional, but I feel like there's sth off with adults basically consuming porn that's produced by minors. Am I overthinking it?

Hm, tough question! I don’t think you’re overthinking it; your gut feeling is very much worth considering. In trying to write a thoughtful response, I ended up having a lot to say, drawing on my experience on both sides of the equation. So here’s a MUCH longer answer than you probably wanted, lol. Others may feel differently about this than I do, and it would be great if they want to chime in.

TLDR: I think it’s okay to enjoy smut written by teenagers, and it’s also okay to avoid it. If there’s a story that happens to have smut in it and you want to encourage their writing with a review, talk about the story itself. Do not mention your physical reaction to the sex scenes.

Protect Teenage Smut Writers

The older I get, the more protective I feel of young people. Even, like, eighteen-year-olds who are officially adults. But being overprotective to the point of babying them does them a disservice. So there are two sides to the protection I’m talking about:

Protect them by respecting their developing sexuality, which is tender and new but no less legitimate.

Protect them by not throwing them in the deep end before they’re ready.

Storytime! When I was 13 to 15, I wrote some original stories on FictionPress with smutty scenes (probably said something like “there’s limes and even a lemon or two, teehee!”). I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and basically wrote about sex the same way I’d seen it written. I remember feeling embarrassed about it, but also excited. When I started getting a few adult readers, I felt happy, slightly intimidated, and mostly proud (yes that’s a lot of emotions at once but that’s what being a teenager was like for me, heh).

Overall, writing (and reading) smut helped me explore my sexuality and identity. Thus, I think it’s really important that we give teenagers space to write and share these fics. Although I was a minor and a virgin and kinda sheltered, I had already begun puberty and had real sexual feelings. Writing smut was an intentional act. In a vague, abstract, kind of oblivious way, I wanted my readers to enjoy the sex scenes. HOWEVER I felt very uncomfortable when one adult actually said something sexual in a review. Like noooo no thank you I do not want to hear about your desires, just tell me if you liked it or not and stop there. Ick! (Nowadays I’m like, say whatever the heck you want.) Luckily I was able to move on quickly, but other teenagers might’ve been freaked out or worse depending on their experiences. If a teen’s smutty story has gotten several creepy reviews, it might actually be really nice to leave the author a kind and respectful review about their writing to help counteract the others.

Protect Yourself

Human sexuality can be kind of a weird thing, but it’s our weird thing. I believe no one needs to feel bad about the smut they read. It’s all written voluntarily, “it’s all fictional” as you said, and for the most part it harms no one when tagged appropriately. That said, if you do feel something negative about the smut you read, I recommend listening to those feelings rather than dismissing them, and consider how it’ll affect your psychological health. That’s a good guideline in general, not only in your situation. Someone else may feel uncomfortable reading about some sex act, e.g. masturbation, and that reaction could be something they decide to overcome. In contrast, caution regarding sex and minors is an extremely important instinct in real life, not something to overcome. If knowing that a minor wrote the fic troubles you too much personally, in the future you could double-check for hints of their age to avoid it happening again. If you decide to let go of the cringey feeling when reading fiction, that’s cool too.

Thanks for the question, nonnie. Hope this helps or at least provides some food for thought :)

Claimer: After writing this whole answer, I belatedly wondered, “Why ask me in particular?” Must be because of my professed love for age difference stories, which I will wholeheartedly re-emphasize here. I flippin’ LOVE older/younger relationships :D In real life I believe it can be healthy when all involved parties are adults in both their legal age and their maturity level.

#anonymous #answered asks #age issues #opinions

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datingadviceonreddit · 7 years ago

Link

DEAR GOD GET READY FOR THIS LONG ASS SHIT STORM OF A STORY. TLDR. Does this go in r/Relationship? If you find yourself reading this, I am a girl who is in desperate need of help so I can fucking stop thinking about this crap and move on -_- Please give me your thoughts on the fucking situation that is driving me and my friends insane.DISCLAIMER: I curse a lot, and I am up to HERE raises hand up to neptune with the stress this shit has caused me. So disregard me as I release some pent up rage.OKAY. I believe both of us are in the same looks league so I won't even comment on that.Player 1: Guy, 29, caucasian, raised in southern GA. Let's call him Bill (no his name is not Bill). A musician. Omnivert, into videogames. Pisces. Bill has been single for 3 years and basically abstinent lol. NOT RELIGIOUS AT ALL. He has also been EVER SO SLOWLY healing and coming out of a depression of sorts. He also has minor anxiety issues. He has VERY high standards for almost everything, and loves 80's things.Player 2: Me, Girl, 24, caucasian hispanic, raised in Miami, FL. We'll call me Bitch becau- no... We'll call me Bear, because why the fuck not. A filmmaker/photographer. Omnivert, into videogames. Libra. I have always hung out with people older than me because I don't get along with the millenials my age -_- the're all focusing on partying while I'm trying to move forward with my career. Also I have been abused by several men (which scars to bear [get it]) so I'm very verbally forward with dudes about how I feel, but I also have mega anxiety for physical proximity.Setting: Atlanta, GAISSUE: Does my best friend like me? It's not issue if he does, BUT I just NEED to know. We have minor history and he has said no when I've asked but THE FUCKING WORLD tells me otherwise. Also, my gut tells me otherwise (sometimes), and I have no idea if I should be trying to get my flirt on or just leaving the poor kid alone because he hates me or something.Late 2015: We meet for a film project and I have this innate magnetic feeling towards him to be his friend. JUST FRIEND. Nothing more. We work on the film project and you know, it's cool. We good. We chill. Nothing interesting, nothing to see. Player 1: Single Player 2: Married in on/off state (private)Early 2016: We start hanging out WAY more. Like WAY more. And we become besties and work together on every project ever. Its' the best female/male bromance I ever did saw. Both gamers, both omniverts, both into adventures, both low self esteem, both idiots. IT'S WONDERFUL I TELL YOU. This time period bleeds into summer time too. Player 1: Single Player 2: My marriage finally collapses and we finally have the balls to separate publicly. Bill helps me a lot through this whole process.late Spring/Summer 2016: BEST. OF. FUCKING. FRIENDS. We hang out all the time and at this point everyone asks us if we're together. We get told what a cute couple we are (we deny all claims though). He calls me after work everyday and we sometimes fall asleep talking to each other. Equal conversation. His family tells me that "he's the happiest I've seen him in a long time". His sister calls me his "girlfriend not girlfriend". And I am totally okay with that because... I'm starting to like the guy. And I have slept in this dudes bed like 3-5 times at this point and we have not cuddles once. I have major anxiety for sleeping his bed because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do if he wants me to make any moves. Also, we promise each other to be honesty buddies for life. Also also, He goes to daytona for a weekend and then says he has no one to hang out with so... I got flight benefits, you want me to come? "Sure, why not". SO I fly there and we have a blasty blast. There's also this moment that we're out drinking and we go for a walk and this homeless guy approaches him for money, Bill tells him nah, then the homeless guy starts walking towards me and Bill steps inbetween me and the homeless guy (who is not even close) and he says "No, you don't need to talk to her, you talk to me" (fucking fell so hard deeper than I already was, right then and there) Player 1: Single Player 2: SingleDRAGON CON 2016: He goes out of his way to go buy my eyelash glue, literally OUT OF HIS WAY. Then at the con he eats a tootsie roll drug thing (I am a newb when it comes to that shit) and he's tripping. We hold hands the entire time (relationship hold, not "let's cross the street" hold). At one point he jumps in bed and opens his arms out to me to invite me to cuddle, and god damnit I fucking accept. So we cuddle in front of the majority of his friends. We take an uber to a far away restaurant and just lay on each other the whole time. Then we go to my place and go to bed and don't cuddle sadness. That was saturday night into sunday morning.SEPTEMBER 2016: The week after Dragon Con we barely talked. Then I fly somewhere for something and when I'm flying back he texts me that he doesn't want to ruin our friendship because of his feelings of loneliness. And I'm like WOAH BRO, YOU WON'T RUIN ANYTHING. WANNA TALK IN PERSON? NEED HUGS? And he's like Come over and jump in bed, lets cuddle (or w.e. the fuck he said, the jump into bed part is accurate though). SO. My plane lands and I fucking take a FORTY FUCKING FUCK FACE DOLLAR uber to his house. I go to his room and jump in bed and we had the most AWKWARD cuddle in the fucking world. Why? Because part of me did not want to cuddle him because I was so fucking confused. And then because he was no longer drunk -_- (fuck you Bill... fuck. you.) Later that day he is very angry. And I mean, VERY. ANGRY. We got out and eat food, his friend ends up being our waiter and asks if I'm his girlfriend and he very aggressively says "no". And then after that day he stopped talking to me. HE JUST STOPS. Motherfucking Bill does not talk to me at all. I then get him to respond to me and he says he doesn't want to be friends anymore and he needs a break from "all this" (WHAT THE FUCKFACE IS "ALL THIS?!?!"). So I try to give him space but HOLY SHIT WE WERE JUST BEST FRIENDS AND NOW I AM SO FUCK NUGGET CONFUSED WHAT THE BITCH MADE FUCK?????? So I ask for a solid reason as to why it's happening and I could not get a solid answer. At all. To this day, I'm still not sure what the fuck that was. But anywho, he says he doesn't know if he'll ever want to be my friend BUT if there's an emergency and I ever need him, that he'd be there for me.FAST THE FUCK FORWARD to the week before my Birthday party (oct 1). It's friday, it's late, like 11pm late. I go outside for a phonecall and my phone starts dying. I walk back to my apartment door and it's locked. I call my roommates, no answer. (I later find out that my roommates had left and locked me out). So I have no keys, no wallet, a dying phone, and it's late on a friday night. WHADOIDO?!?! I start calling people to see if they can pick me up so I can crash with them. LITERALLY NO ONE CAN. I get to the point of using tinder and asking my ex. But before I go that route I'm like... you know what, Bill said he would be there for me if I really needed, I'm calling him (i knew he would not want me to have resorted to my ex so I thought this was logical). I call his beautiful ass up (and I mean beautiful) and his friend answers (oh so it IS just me that you needed a break from you dick twat). I explain the situation to his friend (lets call him Matt). Matt: "Oh yeah, we'll come get you!" "Check with Bill first, I don't think he'll be cool with it" Matt: "What? Ofcourse he'll be cool with it" "Wanna bet?" Matt: "Two dollars says he says yes" "Done. Now ask him" Matt asks Bill Bill: "Yeah, no. Not in the mood" (or w.e. his bitch ass said) Matt: "Bear, I am so sorry. I'm surprised. Good luck with your situation" "Yeah... thanks" And so I resort to tinder and ex -_- then end up sleeping at my community pool until the next day when my roommates get back. NEXT WEEK: I tell this mother fucker Bill that we need to talk. He calls me and says he doesn't want to talk to me and hes angry about it. And I tell him in the nicest way possible "fuck you". And I explain to him what an asshat he is and that I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment from him and that HOW DARE he tell me he'd be there for me and then he's just not. Fuck. You. Bill. And he fuckign apologized 0_0 and said I'm right. And then I told him he could come to my birthday party if he wanted to, and that I would like him to and he said that he didn't know but he'd try. BIRTHDAY PARTY: He showed up with his brother and sister and friends. All in one car. It was so nice seeing him again and knowing we were okay. God. what a fucking relief he was done being a dumb ass.Have you made it this far? Take a break, pat yourself on the back, go grab some hydration. Thank you and I fucking love you you stranger. Player 1: Single Player 2: SingleLATE 2016: We start hanging out slowly, I take piano lessons with him because I want to and because it's a good way to reintroduce hanging out. I then meet someone that I actually have an interest for. Cool regular dude but the fact that I kinda like this guy is like "oh, I might pursue this". SO before making any moves, I ask Bill: Bear: "Hey, do you like me?" Bill: "What! Like romantically?" Bear: Yeah Bill: laughs uh NO. Bear: Yeah I was just checking, because, people have told me you do. Bill: Yeah no. Who? ----- I felt so fucking humiliated because of how he handled saying no. It was like he thought it was embarrassing to even think that he could like someone like me :( SO lower self esteem and now a fucking challenge to get over my feelings for Bill, I get into a relationship with random guy who we'll call... Homer. Homer and I end up dating for a while, Bill is ALL FOR IT. Says I need someone Homer him right now. So i fucking go for it dude. Like, full commitment dawg. I'm talking real intimate planning homie. And BOY DID THAT BACKFIRE. Player 1: Single Player 2: Single -> begins datingEARLY 2017: I eat furbies. Just kidding, making sure that you're still awake :D So me and Homer are living together per his request (SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT). And I cannot be myself around him because I'm high energy and he's like "you're too much" (fuck your dick ass face you bitch haired mother fucker). So I go crying to Bill who is now my freindtherapist and tell him that I cannot be myself with Homer and it's fucking killing me. Now Bill is like, oh nah, that dude right here brah? He's garbage brah. Get rid of him brah. You can't be with dat brah. (more or less) But I can't break up with Homer because if I do then I have to face my feelings of wanting to be with Bill and that is just WAY TOO MUCH FOR ME TO DEAL WITH AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. Player 1: Single Player 2: In a relationshipSUMMER 2017: Homer and I are not doing too hot, at all. It's become apparent to many folks. But anywho. SO there's this event yeah. Where I'm presenting an award yeah. And I put on an amazingly sexy gorgeous dress yeah. And I invite Bill and my newest friend Keaton to attend the event with me since Homer will be out of town. Keaton is Homer's bestest friend (key info for the test at the end guys)(...just kidding)(this wont be on the test)(...just kidding, there is no test). So I look fucking fabulous. I mean... fucking. fabulous. Like, even my low self esteem was like DAY-UM BITCH. I asked Bill and Keaton if I looked good and Keaton responds with "Yeah you look great" and Bill just nods and he's like "yeah" (YOU SON OF A BITCH). So we go on our way to the event. At the event I get Kanye'd because why not hire a drunk host :D so I'm ultra bummed out and the 3 of us go downstairs to drank my sorrows away. Then I find out that the film I produced one an award and I wasn't there. FUCK.MY.LIFE. so then i'm like LETS GO TO THE BAR BOYS. But before that I have a "cry on shoulder moment" with Bill. SO, we call uber to go to bars and WELL YOU SEE... I WAS WEARING A BEAUTIFUL WHITE DRESS... SO... THE UBER DRIVER THOUGHT I HAD JUST GOTTEN MARRIED. To who? To Bill -_- (FFUUUUUUHHHH) And what does Keaton do when the driver starts asking questions? Driver: Woah, did ya'll just get married? Keaton: YES! MY TWO BEST BUDS, BILL AND BEAR, MADE THE LEAP! At this point, Bill and I look at each other and are like N-NNO-N-N-NO-NO-NO-NO, but Keaton is SO FUCKING LOUD, he overpowers us and eventually we just go with it. SO we start giving made up details and calling each other "babe" and "sweetie" and gay ass shit like that. We get to the bars and low and behold, we find out you can drink free by having just been married... so naturally WE MILK THIS SHIT OUT OF IT. We move our rings to the married side and he has his hand on my waist, holds my hand at one point. Gives me a back massage. My god, it's fucking great. And eventually we go home. Keaton loses his phone in the uber home and so when Bill and I go back to my place, we're trying to get n contact with the uber driver. So we're just chatting and Bill is about to leave so we hug good bye. As we hug... I have no idea why... but... I grow the biggest pair of balls... and say... Bear: Want to know something weird? Bill: Suuuure Bear: I have feelings for you Bill: silent I pull away from hug Bear: But you probably already knew that Bill smiles and he nods and he's like "yeah" and so we talk about it all. And here are the key take aways from everything he said: "I'm not going to lie, I've wanted to make out with you several times" "Tonight felt... natural. It was just so easy for us to be that way. It was comfortable" "Well you have a boyfriend so...." And eventually he goes home and we decide to talk about it sober.SOBER TALK #1 He tells me he has no feelings for me, that he cares about me as a friend and nothing more. He also tells me that everytime he was interested in me is because he was lonely. (oh Bill... YOU SACK OF SHEEP SHIT) And so I take all that in and let it process over the weekend. I then write him an email. Yes. A fucking email. Because I suck at communicating on the spot. And in this email I tell him MANY THINGS, one being "fuck you for using me" and the other being "I don't believe that you don't have any ounce of feelings for me, because you could have picked any girl but you chose me. (SIDENOTE, BILL IS VERY BEAUTIFUL AND CONSTANTLY HAS GIRLS WANTING HIM). So I email his ass and he reads it and we decide to have a second talk.SOBER TALK #2 He apologizes for using me and having led me on and that he'll be more careful with our friendship. And we completely skipped over the topic of him having any slight possible feelings for me or if he might ever. What evs. I'm so done with it all at that point (or was I?) Player 1: Single Player 2: In a relationshipDRAGON CON 2017: SO Homer gets obliteratingly drunk and violently pushes me (not the first time he got aggressive). But check this out. He pushed me, in front of the crew, including Bill. According to witnesses, both my feet went in the air. There was like a 3 second pause of silence and Bill fucking pushes Homer's ass out the hotel room and slams the door in his face. He then asks me if I'm okay and he is fucking LIVID BRO. I have never seen him in such a rage before O_O Player 1: Single Player 2: In a relatonshipFALL 2017: So dragon con drama dies down and I can no longer talk to Bill about my issues with Homer (yes I stayed with him) because Bill is fucking annoyed at me for staying with him. He thinks I'm dumb for staying (he's not wrong). So I find a new friendtherapist. Anywho, we continue our vague friendship where I feel like I have to hold back because what if I flirt with him, it'll make him uncomfortable and I don't want that. So now I feel like I can't be my full self around Billy Boy. Eventually I have my business trip to California with Homer BUT I break up with him the week before -_- so I'm not stuck on a trip with my ex. WONDERFUL. But when I told Bill, he was very happy for me and was proud I hadn't done anything stupid. Eventually Homer invites me to go to a Legend of Zelda Symphony of the Goddesses tour and I'm like FUCK.YES.DAWG. and he has two extra tickets so I invite Bill and his brother. When stranger Things 2 came out, we binge watched it friday night and saturday night. And that weekend was just so great. We just netflix and actually chilled And later when we talked about the weekend he told me "that is one of the nicest weekends I've had in a long time." CUZ WE'RE GOOD TOGETHER YOU TURD DICKZELDA SMYPHONY 2017: So Homer and I get there (I still live at his place with Keaton, I just sleep on the couch) and Bill is DRUNK. He invites me to his hair cut appointment the next day (we have the same hair dresser) and He starts talking to me about his weekend plans (which include a funeral and us watching Justice league together on Monday) and then how Monday me and him have our date. My face is like huwah? And he repeats it "yeah, we have our date!" buwuh? and I'm just like OO OH-KAY, YES. YES WE DO SIR. Concert starts, we watch the show, he keeps drinking. At this point I've never seen him this drunk before (it was quite amazing). After the show, I have to use the bathroom like the basic bitch I am. Bill says he's going to go look for his brother and homer who have disappeared. When I walk out I see him waiting for me in a corner and I'm like "what are you doing??" ANd he's like " I've been waiting for you this whole time. All these dudes were waiting for their girlfriends, one at a time they start leaving, and here I am waitng for you, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG" and all I did was laugh because he's fucking hilarious drunk. I end up going home with Bill and his bro because I don't want to sleep on the couch and now that I'm single, I can sleep in Bill's bed again. SO, we're in the car and here's the conversation. Bill: Wow, I'm surprised at how well that went. Homer was very pleasant towards me. Brother: Why wouldn't he be pleasant towards you? Bear: Well- Bill: Oh, he's jealous of me and hers relationship. Bear: O_O HOMER WAS NEVER AT ANY POINT JEALOUS OF ME AND BILL. In fact, Homer LOVED Bill and always wanted me to invite him to places and he wanted to hang out from him and learn music from him. So that was just a lie .. Anywho, we go home and I sleep in this dudes bed and LET ME TELL YOU THE ANXIETY WAS SO FUCKING REAL. He has NEVER slept that close to me EVER. I could feel his arm and knee on my shoulder and leg (no boners guys, sorry :/ ). And I had no idea if I should try cuddling him or not because what if he's just drunk and doesn't realize it OR he's sober and just DOES NOT want that weird comfortableness of cuddling someone you're not into. So I do nothing except stay awake in anxiety till he wakes up the next day. And the only thing he says about the night before is "Man, I felt like I could take over the world last night, like nothing was in my way" and that was that.Monday: He invites his brother -_-THANKSGIVING 2017 (one week later): So I'm kind of sort of co-hosting with him but not really but I promised him I'd help with cleaning up and I'd bring mega food. By this point, we have a trip to NY planned (Mid January) and paid for...for... THE FUCKING FINAL FANTASY DISTANT WORLDS SYMPHONY AT CARNEGIE HALL, OH MY FUCK. We're talking about our plans (he invited his friend [guy, we'll call him Ron] so it was no longer going to be a potentially romantic trip sadness) and Bill says "Hey, let me know if you two want to go matching!" Ron is like "uhhh... no" as any normal guy would respond to that weird ass request. And then I say "uhm... Yeah sure." BECAUSE WHY NOT BEAR! WHY THE FUCK NUGGETS NOT. Bill and I go to his room later to look at his suit and see what I'm working with. And he says "If you find something else then I can try to find a different color shirt or tie". So we're fucking matching dude. Also, he play flirted with me for the FIRST TIME ever. Like Keaton noticed it too. Bill looked me directly in the eye.And now I'm here, visiting family in Miami, writing this fucking post because I'm so gay for this dude it's stupid. And I have been dress shopping and sending him the options and he is still going with us matching. ANYWHO here's where you the reader comes in...Answer these questions please and thankses: 1) DO YOU THINK HE'S INTO ME? 2) Should I ask him if he wants to kiss... 30 seconds before new years eve? 3) Should I try anything in NY? 4) Should I shut the fuck up, calm down and just fucking stop? 5) Should I just give up in him and I? If so, HOOOOWWWW??I REALLY don't want to make him uncomfortable but damn I can't keep holding back with this mystery. It's horrible. But he also seems like he's making sure we're not alone at any point in time... which I have no idea how to interpret.KEY FACTS: - Yes I feel that he is into me, SOMETIMES. Not always. But I get that urgle gurgle feeling from him sometimes. - He still does cute things like buy me my favorite junk food at the gas station. - We have NEVER kissed - We get each other on some surreal ass level, it's weird. - Yes we are idiots - Yes this is a TLDRIf you actually read everything... YOU'RE AMAZING AND THANK YOU!! If you didn't... Then good for you for not wasting your time! via /r/dating_advice

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