#tldr it wasnt bad it wasnt good the highs were high the lows were low and SOMEHOW i changed my stance on [redacted]

[fadetouchedsilk]

okay so i finished the game last night, time for some thoughts--

might as well throw this under the cut but i will Try to keep it as spoiler free as i can edit: i did not in fact manage to do this so open at your own risk

overall i think this was a neutral to positive experience for me, with some (imo well justified) criticisms and frustrations here. i'm trying my best to be objective & fair here and i think i did a decent job lmao (but also this is completely just my opinion so sometimes we veer. it is what it is.)

i feel like the entire time i was playing this game i was basically assessing it on two levels. the first was more critical, trying to take into account the production & the game as a Product in the franchise as a whole (regardless of how some people may feel, it's still under the ip & is still officially a da game). more of a technical side basically. the second was looking at it without the 'what could have been' lens & just trying to see if it was able to be successful in what it set out to do.

don't ask me why, but having these two channels helps me with personally more relaxed about how i'm feeling & process better. idk if this is a me thing or if anyone else knows what i'm talking about, but anyway.

in general i always expect bioware games to be uh. kind of crap in a very specific way lmao. i honestly think part of why i enjoy these games is genuinely Because i can patch up some of the gaps with my own ideas and still have the core of the narrative followed. personally i don't like deviating Too much from canon, i like to make connections to bolster it if that makes sense? if media is too good it doesn't usually end up compelling me in the same way since i don't feel the need to pick away at it (with very, very few expections). the scaffolding bioware gives me is pretty much ideal for this, so i was expecting another solid C+ feeling game to poke around in.

that's a very long-winded way of saying my expectations were absolutely not high going into this. not so low that i would have just been satisfied with literally anything, but low enough that i was going to play it anyway if for no other reason than just to see what happened next. (honestly, had this never been released, i would have been content with someone leaking a script & just reading through that. that's where i was at lol. it's been a decade, i invested a Lot of energy into loving dai in particular and even though it's not my first choice hyperfixation anymore by a long shot, there's still some interest there.)

most of my thoughts on the first are speculative & formed from trying to piece together what i've seen the devs speak on and what we know about the whole mass-firing thing. i think there are definitely areas where it seems like corners were cut with the writing, a lot of the time it gave me the impression that Someone on staff wanted to do more with what they were writing, but for whatever reason it wasn't allowed to go there.

i'm not really sure why it was implied pre-release that there wasn't going to be a lot of cameos or callbacks, because those were definitely there. i did definitely find myself frustrated with this on some level. i don't think it was malicious, but if nothing else it showed that it was completely possible to connect things to past games more than they did. i do somewhat understand the glossing over origins, since it was released without the expectation of sequels in the first place & you Can kill off your protagonist there (which automatically presents chances for continuity discrepancies later on). i also wasn't expecting to hear from hawke since we had their appearance in dai. but there should have been more callbacks to inquisition than there were, period.

even if the game was supposed to function as something to appeal to new players, i don't think it would have been hard to add a few extra line of context to the codexes to fill those gaps. we hear enough about the happenings in the south that it would have been justified, imo. this wasn't enough to pull me out of the game completely or anything, it was just a small ever-present disappointment as i went through. it really felt like a 'bare minimum for the sake of continuity' situation, and at that point i start to wonder if we would have been better off not getting them at all? i can't really decide either way. it's been a good half-decade since i picked up dai, but i was invested like you wouldn't believe for a good handful of years. my lore knowledge is slowly unearthing itself from my brain and it's entirely possibly my stance on this will shift as i remember more.

i will also say that this one-foot-in method doesn't really do new players any favours either. no, me forgetting lore doesn't really put me in their shoes, but it did definitely allow me to temporarily see how having less context for some events made it more confusing than just. having a codex blurb.

the pacing was. odd throughout. it's apparently a three act structure, but it felt unbalanced. i don't know if this had to do with the way i was playing (did all main/companion/a bunch of side quest stuff) and spacing things out or what, but the game felt weirdly lengthy up until i hit the davrin/taash/emmrich recruitment period, then fell into a lull, and only really found footing near the end bits. that's... not super great. when inquisition felt long, it was because you were still wandering around a map instead of progressing. here, it's like the non-main story content is being bread-crumbed out to the point it becomes disjointed. i think we probably saw the companion quests chopped up like that to encourage us to return to the lighthouse periodically & make sure we were catching up with everyone? a lot of the ambient conversations there reminded me more of field banter than the actual field banter, and i wonder if this had something to do with moving from a 4 man team to a 3 man team.

field banter triggered fairly regularly, and i Loved the fact that if it got interrupted by a fight it would pick up again right after. considering how slow dai's was to trigger, i would call this a quality of life win lmao. sometimes the banters would repeat, but i believe this is some sort of bug related to the way some people noticed that reloading a save would push you back a few minutes in time from when you Actually made the save. bug wise, that was the only thing i experienced consistently and i wasn't particularly bothered by it + i know some people had it worse. i do hope there are some hotfixes out soon, particularly for the player appearances being overwritten & saves not loading properly. i have a theory that the player appearances might be tied to using a preset rather than just starting from scratch, but i haven't seen enough people saying this to be sure.

i like the companions a lot, more than i thought i would, but much like with the callbacks, i just really wish there was More for them. they're fun! the lore expansions are interesting (what is going On in the crypts), we just don't get to spend enough time with anyone? the cutscenes in this game feel so short, specifically for anything not related to the main story. this game feels like it takes place over at least a couple months, we should be able to spend some time getting to know these people. i don't like how you can't just click on them at the lighthouse and get a dialogue loop once you're done talking to them about something new, surprisingly. even if in the past it was just a 'hello/goodbye' situation after exhausting dialogue trees, losing it was disappointing. i think it somehow led to the home base area feeling more static than it needed to be. again, the ambient conversations between them don't really do enough to help, because you can pretty easily miss it and/or just walk away. i know a lot of people struggled to click with the dai companions, but there was absolutely more screentime you could have with them than these ones & it's a real shame.

the inquisitor was There. i know a lot of people are saying they were bland and that's pretty accurate but also from what i remember, also not unfaithful to how they came off in dai. i think i forced this out of my mind after writing so much for my inquisitor back in the day, but it all immediately came flooding back to me as soon as i heard the dialogue. annoying, sure, but also consistent so i don't really have any strong feelings here. (why was i as an elf almost the same height as dorian though. she is not that tall lmao.)

i do think that fundamentally the game set out what it wanted to do when it came to solas' story. i actually really enjoyed the last sections of the game, & he became a delightful bastard antagonist type which was unironically the most fun i've had with him as a character since... ever? with inquisition, i hated that you couldn't really hit back at him in a way that had teeth, unless you wanted to punch him. which is fine for some, but i was sorely craving the option to ask him if he fucking hears himself in Multiple conversations. rook satiated that one in me, i won't lie lmao. pulling the knife-swap on him and then watching him stick to the veil like a fridge magnet was Great. i will probably try something else next time just to see what happens, but that felt like a pretty organic way to handle someone who couldn't help but lie & condescend to you the Entire time. from what i've seen, a good number of people are also enjoying their endings & finding that it makes sense, so i'm comfortable saying that in this respect, the game did its job.

and god help me i actually liked solas this time around.

look, i'm a human person. i'm also nearly 30 and have been around for almost a decade with this franchise, i have shifted opinions before & am capable of doing so again. do i like to be a hater sometimes because i think hyperbole is funny? yes! am i also 100% open to a new perspective from the writing and moving on from there? also yes! i wasn't optimistic here, but believe it or not, i actually wanted to be given something so that i could shift my thoughts on this man. romanced or not, he's the wheel that these events turned from. being completely sick of him 100% of time was somewhat draining. like i would see the writers talk about him and i would become frustrated because i genuinely could Not see what i was supposed to be latching onto here in any capacity. dai solas didn't make me love him, like him, or even hate him--i was mildly annoyed by him and honestly? kind of bored. considering how i don't exactly hold these games to high standards for entertainment, that was a pretty damning strike against him.

understand that i have never vibed with solas before this time, like, period. i wanted to, because i love a morally grey motherfucker & an antagonist who sees himself as literally anything but that, but something about him has consistently just rubbed me the wrong way. i think this is definitely partially due to dev favouritism (something that gives me the ick no matter the fandom. you & i are not friends, leave that boundary between fan and creator up, thanks.) & also, quite frankly, a lot of abhorrent behaviour from some of his louder fans. i didn't like the vibe of him being THE most important thing here, everyone else who didn't romance him or wasn't otherwise up his ass didn't matter. it just felt really mean spirited & like we played the game the 'wrong' way coming from dev comments. i can't tell you how happy i was to see that end up not being the case. true, majority of us weren't thrilled with how dai got treated in general, but at least it's across the board lmao.

however, we got to push back against him this time & peel back some more layers. the dialogue choices felt more like actual reactions i can see someone having when having a conversation like that. i was impressed that there were actually multiple options for his fate near the end. it did feel like a more fair version of the me3 ending choices, at least insofar as they were presented & played out. there was a choice that made sense for the different ways we could have handled interacting with him, which i did appreciate. him being physically incapable of not trying to fuck us over isn't something i consider bad writing, it was in character, his actions were logical based on context & as a player i had options that existed beyond 'roll over and take it' or 'punch him.' he's very fun to argue with, i must say. no, i probably won't ever be able to do the solavellan route myself. i can push my suspension of disbelief pretty far and roleplay a character well enough but if i man i was interested in irl ever spoke to me that way i think i would snap and i just can't get over that here lmao, but i can 100% see how this would feel like a pretty decent ending for the ship.

(as an aside, i've seen the 'happy' ending there, but can you do something like the fakeout/uno reverse betrayal with the inquisitor here too? i think the old kiss'n'stab would be a very fun option because of betrayal parallels, but i'm not sure if that's something we're be allowed lmao)

anyway it probably doesn't sound like i vibed with him here very much, but i promise you i did. i'm harsh by default & like to argue irl for fun with my friends, & i would have 0 issues saying if i thought he kept sucking here lmfao. he did, just like, in a way that i personally enjoyed, so it turns into a net positive.

varric being dead was just. ech. personally da2 was my least favourite & actually still is lol. i'm not attached to his character. he's a fruitfly to me. i don't hate him but when i saw him returning again i was like Really? but his presence makes sense to me on the grounds of me being unable to picture literally Anyone Else trying to do what he did during the prologue. even harding was like 'should i shoot him in the head.' in hindsight the clues are very much there but i 100% did not catch them because i straight up wasn't paying enough attention to varric.

on the subject of that, yes, it's very annoying that you need to keep being told to Do Your Sidequests For The Love Of Fuck. i got why immediately as i picked up on what we were supposed to do during the last fight, though. and if we're assuming that this will be a number of people's introduction to this sort of game, then yeah, alright, on a mechanical level the reminders make sense. somehow i have still caught a handful of people surprised things went poorly because they didn't do the companion quests, and with peace and love i think some of you need to brush up on basic media literacy. it was not subtle in delivery, we were supposed to know those were important. i can't decide if i'm annoyed with this writing or if i'm impressed bioware was anticipating the rpg horseblinders this way. it's probably both.

the blight evolution felt natural & made enough sense that i don't feel the need to chip away at it. like alright, based on the information we were provided with in the text, this tracks. it did start feeling a bit like me3 with the husks, but that might also be a glameplay thing. also, same studio. a bit of similarity here and there isn't a surprise imo.

dwarf lore was pretty neat to get, dwarf players how are you feeling? i honestly didn't think we would get to revisit the titans in any significant way, so i was pretty pleased to see them return & be a major part of the story. i haven't delved too much into it structurally yet, but to me it came off as another loose end being tied off in a way i can live with.

elsewhere, though... i don't know. i had a good time, but i also wasn't really allowed to 'settle' in this game the same way as i have before. it felt very go go go onto the next mission, spend 5 minutes there and keep going. 'shallow and short' is the combination here for a lot of the first 3/4 of the game, and that's unfortunate. obviously we weren't going to get the same puttering around like in dai, but i think we could have had some more depth from these people. again, frustrating. i like what we were given, but i don't think there was nearly enough of it (seems to be a repeating sentiment here doesn't it?)

i will out myself as someone who enjoyed the score. i will also out myself as someone who have no music background and can't remember the dai main theme despite having 400+ hours in that game. do what that information what you will. as my girlfriend pointed out, the music because very mass effect, especially with the synth coming in (which explains why i was vibing). she does know music, and did also say the score was objectively fine, it just didn't quite fit the game.

interestingly, something we both picked up on was the structure itself starting to feel more like mass effect the longer we played, specifcally me2/me3. if you've played me2, you will absolutely get flashbacks to its suicide mission during the last two pushes in veilguard. i'm actually not mad about a shift towards this format. i think it will be Significantly easier to produce these games going forward if they're looking at the trilogy as a model. like, yes, there was choice in those games, but it was far more linear & limited than what we came to expect from dragon age. given that the veilguard epilogue seems to hint at another game (and, as someone pointed out, there were at least 3 eluvians that were still blacked out by the end of the game. not shattered, just inactive--dlc maybe?) & this game seems to be doing well with reviewers/financially, i suspect they will be wanting to continue with the series in some form. changing the structure up this way will hopefully help avoid another decade-long hiatus. also i just objectively liked the trilogy a lot. veilguard seems like a transition piece into that sort of structure, and i think it shows. there are some growing pains, but i think if they settle into it it won't be nearly as apparent going forward.

speaking of me3.

the final couple missions were absolutely taking notes from me2's suicide mission, but the overall ending felt more along the lines of the me3 finale. there were some callbacks and appearances of past characters, and i think we were definitely meant to feel that same 'everyone collectively coming together to fight' thing from me3. it did kind of miss, though, since we don't have everyone. this game is the direct sequel to dai in a way that the other games weren't billed as. this is the place i would have had more connections to really hammer home that feeling of unity. if we got the cameos and links no where else, it should have been here. me3 was painful, i cried when i was done. there were heavy emotional beats near the end for sure, but they didn't hit as hard as i know they could have. i think if we had more of dai to latch onto for the epilogue, then the South being scorched earth (literally and metaphorically) would have felt like less of a sore spot. me3 also destroyed... just about everything. we watched a lot of people die, we couldn't save everyone. but there was still some catharsis in the narrative. choices we made previously might not have mattered in a big way, but we got a couple frames during the climax and it was like oh! okay! & you sat there and Felt Something.

i don't actually mind that this is a soft reset, or that the south got fucked up. i knew going in this was intended to reboot things so i already acclimated to the idea beforehand & i'm sure that helped. inquisition stressed that we were not a small organization, there would be influence over thousands of people's lives. in some way, i personally feel like this is a clumsy extension of that. there was always going to be collateral with the scale of what we were fighting here, it just would have been nice to see (even quickly) some signs that the characters we moved on from were actually involved in it. the inquisitor letters didn't really fulfill this need at all. i'm not sure what the best way to implement it would have been either. my gut instinct says cutscene but who knows? we were obviously meant to feel a lot of emotions here, but the punches were pulled in the end to the game's detriment. i'm still not overall mad at it, but i can't help see where there are massive holes.

rapid fire other stuff:

i love some of the visuals here. some of those maps? absolutely wretched! disgusting! i was living in the blighted areas. no idea why i saw so many people saying that this was 'too light' for this franchise. maybe early game? and then you get to a turning point (you'll know it when you see it) and it's like ah, i remember how i felt seeing the brood mother for the first time.

the maps in general are very decently sized. you don't realize it initially because you can't explore all at once, but they're fairly large & there's plenty to see. i don't miss the open-world format at all tbh.

popping the blight boils had no business being as satisfying as it was but every time i did it compelled me.

i'm okay with none of the companions loathing each other this time around & wasn't actually bored by it. there are some conflicts, but they feel like a decently realistic level of beef to have with acquaintances.

i didn't notice a lot of approval/disapproval happening but found myself not missing it a whole lot either. i don't know, i think because we all had the same end goal here it was kind of whatever to me.

(again, very mass effect of them here to do this. it's been a while since i played that too, but you really could just do Whatever as shepard and people would stay 99% of the time)

i still wish the well of sorrows came up. seeing how mythal was fractured, i don't think there's a reason it should have been glossed over. if nothing else, solas was mad as fuck about that incident & i'm kind of surprised it didn't carry over for that reason alone.

there are some... decently salvageable looks. i think the shadowdragons & crows do the best, with the lords of fortune being absolute bottom of the barrel for me. it's not only impractical, it's also orientalist and ugly. literally 0 redeeming features to it, throw it all away. (or like just give isabela pants. that actually would have made that look a low pass for me. peacock feathers don't fucking sit like that.)

mournwatch outfits broke my goth heart though. i know it's like... morgue scrubs inspired or whatever but i don't like it & why is there so much green and gold. game devs in general do you know silver metals exist. not everything has to be yellow gold.

i don't think we needed a crafting table, but i was for sure missing dye abilities (ffxiv has spoiled me in this regard i fear, i forgot the trenches dai had me in before mods)

the dreadwolf is bald?? like as a wolf? grain of salt, i'm running this game on med-low settings (on a ssd, it has no business being sold as hdd compatible but that's a rant for another time) so i might just not see the strands but uh. that looked like my cat's bald patches and turkey neck. i know it was a cool fight scene but Bald Dog made me laugh way too hard.

i chose to talk isseya down, i didn't catch it but i think we just left her on the floor crying? or something? did we kill her? like what happened there.

the art style, i have mixed feelings here. in general i think the stylization is actually fine, my biggest issue is with the character proportions. the heads are too goddamn big. full stop. it makes everything look off, & every time i see someone trying to figure out what's bothering them about the models, it can almost always be blamed on the head size relative to the body. the qunari have the worst of it, but the short neck/big head situation is rough for everyone*

*unless you look at dwarves, who have stockier builds and the ability to have actual curves (the body models are weirdly triangular?) & end up looking the best because of it.

fuck you if you wanted to have ass/thighs/tits above a downwards tilted a cup. i am so fascinated by the game's ability to let you be fat but not actually retain fat in areas that people typically do.

the high quality hair physics look really strange to me, it seems too slippery & i actually prefer how it moved when i turned this down.

combat is fun! very reminiscent of andromeda actually, a lot of mobility & flashy abilities. i played on the lowest settings because i wanted to do the story first, but even that was a good time and didn't drag on (i am looking at you dai). my girlfriend has tried a few other difficulties, it looks like mob size fluctuates as well as how armoured the enemies are.

camera tools is a plus for console players in particular. it's limited to non-cutscenes & i don't think you can toggle the ui off though, but it's still nice that it's there. (i still prefer to use other camera tools because i would rather pause cinematics.)

i can't argue about the way some topics being handled came off as corny or in your face, because it did. but on the flip side i've also seen a lot of people say they felt really seen by taash's storyline & were affected by it, so even if it was pretty unsubtle, i think it was overall a net good that it was there. this will absolutely be some people's introduction to Gender Things & i genuinely wish them the best with that. also taash's note in the codex about gender terms after talking with mae was actually pretty funny & mae's quote at the end was nice. despite being nb myself, i'm filing this portion of their storyline in the 'it's not for me but it's going to hit for someone & probably wouldn't have achieved that if it wasn't blatant in delivery.'

fade fish tank, 10/10 no notes.

overall, yeah, i would actually recommend that people give this a shot but to absolutely manage your expectations beforehand and understand that the goals here were to primarily wrap up with solas & give the devs a clean(er) slate for future installments. contrary to the impression given online in the weeks leading to release ('just headcanon it yourself' is imo the worst response that could have been given to people asking valid questions & will piss me off every time i remember it & this is why i say we need boundaries with creators online but anyway) it didn't come off as the fuck you i was quietly bracing myself for. there were parts left to be desired in execution (when aren't there) but it wasn't bad by any means. i think if you actually give it a fair chance, majority of people who play it can at least find a good couple things to be invested in. i'll always wonder what got scrapped & what suffered under production constraints, but i wouldn't call this a failure by any stretch. some of my predictions came true, some did not, some things i was genuinely surprised by & while i'm not remotely as attached to this game as i was to inquisition, i am still left quietly interested in what comes next.

[webvampzz]

Hey regarding the question thing can I get your answers to 9 and 31

YAYAAYY I LOVE ANSWERING THESE TYY

Ok so

9. idk if ive ever had a true accomplishment tbh but probably passing an exam i knew i was gonna fail? ( im so sorry i cant think of anything)

10. i am allergic to mango

11. highs- when i bought a game i really wanted and was able to lore dump for hours, lows was when i had a breakdown ( rlly bad one ) to some music i dont remember the reason but i was 100℅ sure i wasnt gonna make it to today ( sorry about the personal vent,, tldr i had a breakdown with music playing thats it)

12. definitely spain. no clue why but definitely spain or france

13. i listen to ambience / save room music and rant to myself . or just music in general and rant to myself

14. pinterest and last fm ( or any app that lets u track what music/ movies uve watch i love stats and numbers sm)

15. lore nerd with bad taste in movies

16. i like my eyes the most so probably those

17. im somewhat good at writing but only about my interests

18. i am terrible at math and science

19. im ngl probably anytime i went to the doctor and they asked me about how im doing mentally

20. radiohead was named after the talking heads song and they were originally called on a friday because theyd practice on fridays hence the name

21. probably myself? i dont like revealing much about me to anybody tbh

22. my keyboard and guitar definitely i love them sm esp the key board

23. one that ive had since 5th grade iirc,, idk how long its been tho but its defo been a long time since we've been friends

24. when i realized i had to get a job eventually snd pay taxes and move out someday

25. ive never played any :(

26. bad

27. night owl, i wish i were an early bird though 😭

28. i kinda do but i kinda dont its hard to explain. more on the not at all side though

29. these r very weird answers ik i sound like an edgelord rn 😭

" i want to be someone else or ill explode " ( talk show host by radiohead)

" we were good as married in my mind, but married in my mind's no good" ( pink triangle by weezer)

" a heart that's full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills you, bruises that wont heal " ( no surprises by radiohead)

" you'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking " ( nude by radiohead)

30. probably just basic self care like showering i dont do anything past that tbh

31. thom yorke, thomas edward yorke, the radiohead singer ( i cant think of anyone else 😭)

Im actually so sorry if any of these were too personal or the answers were too long 😭 i just really like answering these but in so sorry if they seem weird or like im venting

[rice-pudding-slaps]

*comes drinking the third coke of this fine mornin*

the revival wasnt that bad. It had its lows but is still fun. And some great highs. The actors were wonderful and I adore some changes.

cats has like two definitive plot points and saying a character was ruined by the revival is putting a little too much hcing into it. Every production is insanely different.

every portrayal of every character in every production is insanely different, and equating the stage revival to the 98 films is incredibly unfair. Go ahead and try to equate Jack Ribaldi's Munkustrap to Armin Kahl's, Michael Gruber's or Peter Bishop's.

that being said, the changes in the *structure* do affect the characters. Gus and Munkustrap are the best example with Pekes and Pollicles in the revival.

the choreography is different as fuck, and you have to recognize it as such. You can like it or dislike it. But equating them is plain wrong. And unfair

(In my personal view the original is far the better, but the revival has some *awesome* bits and I adore it)

TLDR: yeah, lets critic 2016. Lets analyse it. But stop comparing it to 98 good lord.

*Throws my coke away*

[the-numbers-game]

life update - long ramble

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in less than three weeks, i will have finished my postgrad. it’s been a hecking fast course, and very intense at times. like most things im a bit gutted at myself for not trying as hard as i can. but i’ve done mostly okay considering my efforts. a range of grades. i was gutted last term that i got a c in my criminal litigation class just due to my nerves. all my content was perfect, i was just shit scared of public speaking. i bombed conveyancing cos that class was shit. but i did good in my other two and i’ve got good grades this semester so far. but i’ve also missed more classes, and i think i bombed my oral last week, and i’m bound to bomb my oral this week too.

idk how i will adjust to being not-in-education for the first time since i was 5 (3, if you include preschool). tbh, if i dont get a traineeship i may go back in 2021 or 2022 and do a masters. something on the constitution and human rights. maybe i’ll write about labour again.

 i’m gonna chill for a month or so, working my 2.5 days at work whilst i still have my student loan rolling in (LOL, i get hardly anything cos i’m a pg and most of it is gone in the repayment of the personal loan i took out to do this course). then, i’ll increase my days to 4. i can live off 4 days, and it means i can still count this job as not being my life whilst i hunt for a traineeship, and failing one that starts pretty soon, another job. i’m fixed term, and i was lucky in i got a promotion, but the promotion was also for a fixed term position. 

i hope my contract is extended, i put my face out there a lot at work primarily for that reason. i go on training courses and sit on committees, partly because i get away from my desk but also because it makes me look like i care about my job. i’ll mainly look at the public sector, as i feel like i belong there, i like flexible working and having an interesting caseload. and then law firms, as maybe if i get an admin job at a firm they will take pity on me and recruit me. failing those two, i will look charities/trade unions/politics before resulting to texting someone at my old work and begging for a job back. or maybe i’ll do agency work. fuck idk. i shouldn’t worry about it. i’ll get a job, right? 

i do hear back this week regarding a traineeship. i’m not hopeful. i never am. but the interview did go really well. i didn’t stammer, i spoke freely, we spoke a lot about unions and the labour party and i felt like they liked me. they only interviewed 6% of applicants, so i’m lucky to get through and even if i don’t get it i know i’ll be less anxious about interviewing for traineeships again because i know it can go well(ish). if i do get it i’ll be over the moon, it’s not human rights and it’s not public law but they do a lot of union work and pro bono, and that’s good enough for me. 

over the years, the way i experience anxiety has changed, dramatically.  for a while, i had quite a good support network of ‘safe adults’. like my friends, past and present, and callum, have all been remarkable, but i think being able to relate to adults/people in authority when you’re not quite an adult yourself is good for validation. it didn’t last long and friendships and ‘drama’ started to consume my life. when i finally moved out of retail into an office environment, a lot of my anxiety, especially the physical stuff, shifted. i shit you not, i would physically throw up before many of my shifts in retail. so again, i thought i was coping as things weren’t as bad as they were back then. especially when it came to depression, as i actively removed myself from the main environmental factor causing me to have low moods. 

i was dumb, cos of course i still had sadness and anxiety. it was just different, and because i channeled a lot of stress into uni, being new at my job, and being skint, it felt like there was always an excuse it wasnt anything about me,it was xyz and hey fuck look at least im not barthing and crying every morning yeah?

but 2019, whilst being a year of several incredible highs and generally being a good year was full of anxiety and due to me doing such an intense course with lots of orals, i realised, yes, i may not be taking as many panic attacks as i took when i was 18 but i felt as bad, fuck, even worse socially and internally, than i did back then. so i went to the doctors just before the new year, and got put on drugs. 

that was a big step, as i always have a fear about the doctors but i have a really good gp surgery, my main doctor is a bit odd but really helpful. one of the other doctors did a whole law degree and the diploma before deciding it wasnt for her and she wanted to go to med school, so shes a really good person to turn to. the reception staff are kind (and you can book appointments online too, which i find really helpful). i think as well, i always viewed my anxiety as mild, and in a way, it is, but in a lot of ways, it is not. medication has certainly helped. i take antidepressants and beta blockers and whilst im not a super happy confident girl, i can cope a lot better. i’m no longer physically anxious (if you know me irl you know i am a shaky bastard) and my brain doesn’t run through the same STRESS as it did. so im grateful. i know meds dont work for everyone and that it takes people years to find something good for them, esp for people with a lot more complex mental health issues than me and my anxiety but i found ones that seem to be working, at least for now.

this year, i’ve tried to look after myself more. i’m saving for a house after opening a help to buy isa last year. i noticed my vision was being a bit blurry from time to time and that my eyes felt really strained when looking at the computer. so i booked an eye appointment and it turns out im short sighted. wearing glasses, as well as fulfilling 12 year old me’s fantasy, has massively helped my general fatigue. i’m gonna book in for physio at my gp, cos i have a dodgy shoulder, and due to general stress, both the dodgy one and the other are in a lot of pain constantly. i try and do a proper skincare routine in the mornings and at night. i’ve always loved skincare but usually just take what i’ve been gifted but i’ve had fun exploring brands and building a collection. i’ve asked for extensions at uni when i’ve needed them, and took time off when appropriate. i’ve been meeting friends more, and not patching messages. 

right okay- i’m falling asleep now but this has been a ramble which probably makes no sense but if we are mutuals or whatever i appreciate you and thanks for dealing with my bs.

tldr - finishing uni soon, probs gonna be looking for a job, doing better in life and with my mh.