#tldr - my nan's dying

[deeisace]

dad just called

well actually, mum called yesterday when dad told her, cs dad doesn't tell me things very often, but he did just now

i didn't tell him mum had called, obviously

my nan's gone into a hospice

apparently that's not the same thing as it used to be, that you go in and never come back out, and she's supposed to come home again next week

but she is very very ill now

she's had cancer for a long long time, and it's been sorta managed for a long while, but it's in her lungs and her spine and basically everywhere and she's gone downhill quite a lot

apparently some of it is something about too much calcium, which they're treating, and that should help a little bit, and dad hasn't told me any more than that, the doctors haven't said like okay this is it now

he's going to visit her tomorrow, and we'll call, and I don't know what I'll say except that I shouldn't cry cs I don't want to upset her

I spoke to my boss this morning about it, so at least he knows

I need to work out changing my shifts about so I can go down there soon, figure out the train strikes

i don't know

i've not really had a relative die like this

well, i have. mum's grandparents died a couple of summers ago, the writer and the engineer, but i'd only met them maybe three times ever, i didn't know them, and i do know my nana

it didn't really sink in yesterday, i don't think, and she's been so ill for so long - she was in remission for a good chunk of my teens, but she's had breast cancer twice and then this whole horrible thing the last few years i'm not even sure - this last year has been so majorly up and down, it doesn't really feel real, if you know what i mean

but it is

and i have to not cry on the phone tomorrow

my grandad is not well either, he has dementia and not quite bedbound, but was ill all last week - but dad said he's doing a bit better this week, they've got him to his chair the last three days in a row, which is good

also, mum says her granny is in hospital too, and my auntie charlotte (who is generally in charge of these sorts of things, despite her leaving the truth - i've no idea how she hasn't had any consequences like everyone else in the family that's left or wobbled in their faith, but then i was never a witness and perhaps the elders are more lenient than they were even 5 years ago. anyway.) my auntie charlotte says that granny is saying she's "had enough". so that'll be soon too.

i've not seen her in a good ten years, and if me or mum visited we'd be upsetting someone or other, it's a shitty situation, but at least she has the rest of the family around her, and me and mum know what's going on

when grandma norah died (granny audrey's mum), in the 90s, my mum didn't even know - she had a friend who happened to work at the nursing home, who when she met up with him one week said 'oh i'm sorry to hear about your nan', and that was the first she'd heard of it - that's how it used to be when you left the truth, and i'd glad it's not the same now - or maybe my family are breaking all sorts of jw rules and someone's going to get in terrible trouble, i don't know

anyway. i don't know. i need to. i don't know what i need to do.

the plan is still that my nan's coming home on wednesday, i think, i don't know any more than that

the train strikes are 1st and 2nd, but maybe i can finangle 3rd-5th off work and go down then, i'd only need to swap my monday for another day

[serahne]

this question is silly tbh and i just started to check your blog lately so from curiosity i couldn't keep this question to my self it's fine if you want to ignore the ask though :) , but why you shipped komahina or why you choosed it over hina//nami , sorry if this ask was rude for you

Hi there ~ Don’t worry, there is no silly question and you aren’t rude at all ( good god, each time someone is saying that to me I wonder if I’m really that scary ). I can definitely explain why I enjoy Komahina more than Hina/nami, please remember that it’s mostly based on my own interpretation of the characters, and that someone else’s interpretation is just as good as mine.

Except when people claim that Hajime is a Griffindor. I’ll bite.

Why do I ship Komahina ? Well…

( You may think it’s a joke but wait to read my answer, and you’ll see it’s not )

Anyway, if you even glanced at my blog you know that I’m unable to shut up, so under the cut !

To anwer your question, my main reasons to ship Hinata with Komaeda are… the characters themselves. Let’s start with Komaeda, because it’s easier. Shorter. Something.

Komaeda is a character who doesn’t do emotional connections. He has this kind of unbreakable mindset that is fascinating to study, mostly linked to his past and his luck where he seems absolutely unable of sympathy and rationalizes all his feelings. I’m not going to say that Hinata is the only person he ever developed feelings for, we can’t know that. But he is the first person he realized he developed feelings for.

Until then, he didn’t need to think about it. Of course he liked Hinata, Hinata is a symbol of Hope, he is talented and so better than he is ( there is… more to it especially the ‘I feel like we are similar but I promised to keep it short ). The equation was I love Hope = Hinata is Hope = I love Hinata. There was no… internal contradiction in him. And then, of course, chapter 4 happens and it’s the worst. Hinata isn’t talented. He is despair. Worse, he is actually Izuru Kamukura, some kind of abomination who is one of the leader of the Despair Team. And yet, he still has feelings for him. The equation doesn’t work anymore, Komaeda is broken, his world is falling apart, he is willingly pushed into a character development that he didn’t ask for, and it’s so painful for him that he kills himself, trying to take everyone else with him.

That’s… fascinating. Sad, too. But damn, Komaeda.

Dr:ae showed us that he could evolve, though. His mindset wasn’t set in stone. With time, with new objectives, he can accept that someone who didn’t have any talent ( Naegi ) was able to beat despair. Actually, he even says that someone who doesn’t have talent, who isn’t praised and elevated by the society, beating despair, is even more hope-inducing. Which is why I think he will come to respect Hinata, and by extension, himself. With time.

So Hinata is Komaeda’s hope to change. To get rid of this stupid mindset Hope’s Peak’s world gave him. Obviously after dr3 being with Hinata would also allow him to not suffer from his luck, which would also help him to develop real relationships with people without them dying, so it’s good for him.

Now, Hinata.

I’m absolutely fascinated by this boy, and I even started to write a complete analysis of his character here and here ( for now I only covered Hinata before Hope’s Peak Academy and Hinata in dr3 but it’s already giving you a lot of keys to understand how I see his character ).

To be short, Hinata is someone who is always trying to find a way to run away from an unpleasant reality. He numbs himself to block out the exterior world and not face it the way it is, because it’s easier. It’s easier to play video games with a cute Ultimate girl and forget about Hope’s Peak segregationist system ( Dr3 ), it’s easier to convince yourself that you are an Ultimate too and fit with everyone ( Sdr2 ), it’s easier to think that it’s going to be okay, that they’ll do their best and will get out of it without problem, it’s easier to think that they are good people who can do no wrong.

And that’s where Komaeda comes in. Komaeda doesn’t allow Hinata to take the easy way. Never. From the first chapter, can you guess what would have happened if everyone had taken the easy path and voted him as culprit after his breakdown ? Because that’s the logic though to have right ? The only one who can do something bad is someone who is unstable, right ? Wrong. And thanks Mikan to save the day, because Hinata would have ran into this one if you hadn’t been here.

Through the whole game, Komaeda is someone who motivates Hinata to face the truth. Not only Hinata, mind you ( In chapter two, he pushes Koizumi to play the game too ), but especially him. He is the one who spit out Hope’s Peak ideology, how people are born for greatness and can rise through society or are born to be trash and will never become anyone ( which is a terrible thing to think, but is nevertheless what’s Hope’s Peak is all about ), something that Hinata refuses to accept even though he suffered through it. Of course, he is also the one who tells him that he isn’t an Ultimate, and repeats it, again and again, so he won’t run away from it. Hell, in his FTE, Hinata tells Komaeda that he is trying to understand him, and Komaeda replies that it’s really brave, to try and understand someone that you don’t. And I agree. Hinata is never braver than when he is facing him.

Chapter 5 is everything. Komaeda’s final test. Hinata is the only one who keeps going, you know. Who refuses to vote a suicide, even though everyone is almost begging him to, that he doesn’t want to think about another possibility, that they are all so damn tired. He keeps going. And after that, he does something even Komaeda didn’t expect : he understands him. He understands his luck, his hope, his goal and he beats him. At this moment he doesn’t need to be scared of Komaeda anymore, because once you understand something, you stop being scared, that’s just as simple as that.

On a lighter note… I admit I adore how Hinata can’t help but care about him. How angry he is with himself when he realizes he is super worried about Komaeda when he is sick, how embarassed he is when they joke about the sticker, how upset he is when Komaeda starts treating him coldly and I love how hyped he is anytime Komaeda speak during a trial and how attentive to him he is. That’s the cheesy part of me talking, sorry.

I think after dr3, Hinata would need some time to think about himself, the world, the meaning of life, whatever else, for a while. So he wouldn’t rush into a relationship with Komaeda or anyone else. I’m just saying that after sdr2 these two have such amazing connection that it could definitely lead to something great, whether they get together or not.

TLDR ; I love that Hinata is the way for Komaeda to change, and I love that Komaeda is the way for Hinata to accept himself, as hard it is after everything he’s done and become. It’s… honestly so rare to find such amazing bond between two characters who are so-well written, without one overshadowing the over but completing each others.

You don’t have to read it if you enjoy Hina/nami, but since you brought that up, here is why I don’t like it : The reason I dislike Hina/nami, it’s that Nan/ami’s role is the exact opposite of Komaeda. Her role is to shelter Hinata, as part of the Neo World Program. Her goal is that he never remember who he was, that he erases from his past every bad things he did and never have to face them. If you observe her in the game, she is the one who always go for the ‘easy’ route. She is the one who suggests Komaeda as the killer, she is the one who stops Hinata to go through the Final Dead Room and to face whatever is inside, she is the one who say to Hinata that it doesn’t matter if he has talent or not.

That’s just what she is coded to do, but that’s also what dr3!Nan/ami does. She brushes off Hinata’s insecurities, saying that the only thing that matters anyway are friends, not realizing that it’s a very easy thing to say when you are a sheltered, privilegied girl who is adored by everyone for her talent while he is struggling with what looks like depression. She is always painting Hinata a reality that doesn’t exist to make him feel better and hum… I feel like he deserves more than a not-super-bright girlfriend holding his hand through life and forbidding any development on his part. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about her, by the way, she probably brought him comfort when he needed some.

[thanksforthefush-blog]

The UnDefinitive Guide to Kiwi Slang

TLDR: No one understands half the things WE are saying so Linda makes a list.

As I have found out in my time in America so far, many of my commonly used Kiwi slang is non-existent here (in fact, most people don't even know what I mean when I refer to myself as a Kiwi). I decided to write this post when I told a friend of mine I was "up to fucks" which in retrospect, can be totally misconstrued as something akin to hoe-ing around.

So I thought I'd compile a nifty list of Kiwi slang I use on a regular basis. Even for some Kiwis, a lot of the slang I use may not be used in a particular part of New Zealand. There is also a lot of Kiwi slang that I don't use which I won't include (for instance, 'tu meke' or 'hard out' and honestly you could probably write a book on Kiwi slang). Heck, for all I know, some of these could be used in other parts of America seeing as I have only used these on the East and West Coast and the sample size doesn't really encompass the entirety of America.

1. Flatmates, Flatting, Flat

Basically, any phrase with the word 'flat'. In America, they use roommates instead of flatmates, they say sharing a house/room or living together instead of just saying flatting together and you refer to your dwelling as a house, apartment, rowhome, or whatever instead of just saying flat. I asked someone what you call it when you go flatting ie. move out of home and quite literally you say "I'm living away from home'. In all honesty, having an umbrella term makes it much more versatile and people find it super charming when I say flatmate.

2. Sweet As

Meaning anything along the lines of "all good", "sounds good", "that's cool", "no problem" - basically any term that implies a good-natured confirmatory response .Zoe used this in her work emails for weeks before her senior cracked and finally asked her what she meant by "sweet as". People think I mean "sweet ass" which when used in place of "sweet as", makes no sense:

"Hey Linda, could you take out the trash please?"

"Sweet ass" - it just doesn't work.

3. Churr bro

Similar to "sweet as"  above - people just ask me if I'm just pronouncing the word 'cheers' funny.

4. Crook

This word is ingrained in my everyday vernacular, and is so versatile in its use that when someone finally asked me what I meant when I used it, I struggled to think of a definition that didn't contain the word crook ("You know, like when someone is a bit crook?"). Thankfully for Google, their definition is pretty much spot on - “(especially of a situation) bad, unpleasant or unsatisfactory".

Feel hungover or poorly? You're feeling crook. 

Know a dodgy fulla? He's crook.

You did something that would probably constitute as unsavoury? You're crook.

5. Yeah Nah, Nah Yeah

Where "yeah nah" = no, "nah yeah" = yes. It's all in the tone and inflections, where the yeah has to sound a little promising with a slightly higher pitch and the nah has to drop a few octaves and trail off.

6. Durry

No one here uses the term durry and everyone that I've used this term in front of loves it and thinks it sounds fancy as fuck. Americans just use the term cig, cigarette, smoke, whatever and also pronounce it as 'durr-ree' as opposed to 'duh-ree'.

7. Battling

When one is attempting to complete an arduous task and still manage to somehow muster the energy to complete said task. This term is mainly used after a loose Friday night, you wake up feeling like death  but you still manage it to make it to brunch the next day and maintain some semblance of humanity, and when someone asks you if you're okay because you're fully aware that you not only feel like death but you look like death as well, you flash them a half grin and whisper "I'm battling" and they give you a look of compassion and understanding because you still managed to be somewhat of a productive human being despite dying inside.

8. Rinsed

For when the term "drunk" doesn't quite encapsulate the absolute state you're in because you're positively smashed, you say you're rinsed. In America, there may be other terms to encompass this state of being but I've only heard the term "super drunk" which I guess suffices for all intent and purpose.

9. Too Easy

A friend of mine currently working in LA would respond to his seniors asking him to complete a task with "too easy". To most Kiwis, it is simply yet another confirmatory response, akin to 'sweet as'. His American colleagues made a complaint because they thought he was making a mockery out of the tasks they asked of him.

10. Keen

Akin to saying "I'm down" in America. When someones asks if you want to partake in anything, a typical response would be "Yeah I'm keen" or "keen as".

11. Skull/Dense

Still not really sure what Americans use in lieu of these terms but it refers to finishing off a beverage extremely quickly, usually alcoholic in nature - "I'm going to skull/dense this bottle of wine in 10 seconds, a magic trick I like to call the disappearing act."

12. Stitched Up

When someone puts you into an unsavoury situation, they are 'stitching you up'. I usually do this to Zoe by tagging her in obscene memes because she has her mum and Nan on Facebook, who have like 100 friends, and so whatever dank meme I tag Zoe in is sure to appear on their Facebook -  in a sentence, this would be "Linda stitched up Zoe". Or when your friend shares something with someone he wasn't supposed to and that person ends up bringing it up with you, it means your friend stitched you up.

13. Up to Fucks

Perhaps the most misconstrued term of them all, 'up to fucks' means you're up to nothing, you're procrastinating, something of that essence.

"Linda it's been 6 weeks, have you found a job?"

"Nah mate, I'm up to fucks."

14. Dodgy

In America, people use the term 'sketchy'. It means when something/someone/somewhere is potentially dangerous or dishonest.

15. Pack

I don't know how commonly this is used in NZ, but it is a commonly used term in my group of friends. It means to leave, ditch or not bother with someone or something. For instance, if Zoe ends up at Mish Mosh while everyone else wants to go to Cavern Club, a common phrase in our social circle is "Pack Zoe". Or if you're saying it to Zoe yourself, "Zoe we're packing you" or "Zoe, you're packed".

16. Benching

Equivalent in America to "on the back burner". When you're talking with someone you're not quite ready to pursue but you're not ready to lay down some groundwork either, you're benching them.

17. Wop Wops

The middle of nowhere. Synonymous to "bumblefuck" in America.

"Linda, did you get lost again? Where are you?'

America: "I somehow ended up in East Bumblefuck"

Kiwi: "I'm in the fucking wops"

18. Piss

'On the piss' = I'm drinking so if someone asks you what you're up to, you respond with "I'm on the piss".

'Pissed' = while this could also mean you're annoyed, context is key. In our instance, it means you're drunk.

These are not to be confused with "taking the piss" which means you're making fun of someone in good humour, you're joking, providing a bit of banter.

"Linda honestly, please stop making jokes about no one ever loving me."

 "Honestly Zoe, mate, I'm just taking the piss."

19. MEAN

When something is cool, awesome, some sort of positive adjective. Your mate produces a mint piece of artwork and to show your support and enthusiasm for his woke, artistic endeavours, you tell him "it looks fucking mean".

20. Ay?

This one is a little tricky because it's a very multi-use term.

It turns any phrase into pretty much a question: "Hey you don't want that ay?" you ask, while hungrily staring at the slice of pizza your friend has left on her plate.

Or when you're only 90% sure of an answer but you don't want to seem too confident on the off-chance that you're wrong, "oh it's 387 ay?" so in the 10% chance you're wrong, you don't seem too wrong because you said 'ay?' and that softens the blow.

Or when you're expressing disbelief at something:

Zoe: "Linda I made a friend today."

Me: "AY?????"

21. Dairy

A convenience/corner store. When you're too lazy to go to the supermarket and you're willing to pay the 9000% markup on the shitty Big Ben pies, you head off to your local dairy to pick up a pie and maybe a Starz drink too.

23. Feed

A meal or food - "Hey you keen for a feed?" or in normal terms "Are you down to grab a bite to eat?"

22. Shot

This one is a little tricky because it can be used in place of saying 'thank you' but it could also be used to commend your mate when he does something worth applauding.

"I picked us up a mean feed on the way home." to which someone could reply "Shot!" or "Linda I got to level 80 in World of Warcraft" to which I would respond "Shot bro!"

23. Shout

Not to be confused with 'shot' above, but to 'shout' means to treat someone. "Hey I'm keen for some Denny's tonight. Your shout?"

24. I reckon

Similar to saying "I think" or to agree wholeheartedly with someone.

"I reckon that I could dense this jug of mojitos by myself" - where here it's like saying "I think..."

Or "Honestly Linda, using Sprite Blast to make mojitos was a genius idea." which I would respond with, "Yeah I reckon!" to wholeheartedly agree that a winner mojito recipe is 1 part mojito to 4 parts Sprite Blast (NOTE it has to be Sprite Blast) with a bit of lemon juice and mint is bloody delicious.

25. Not Even

It's like saying "No way!" or "I can't believe it!".

Zoe: "Linda I managed to look like a 4/10 today."

Me: "Not even!"

26. Gap

It means 'to leave' and makes much more sense in context:

"Gap it g." when you're angry at your mate and you are telling them to vacate your immediate vicinity.

"I'm gapping it/I gotta gap" for when you have to leave.

27. Heaps

To express a large quantity, or frequency.

"How much do you love Harry Potter?" and you respond with "Heaps."

So in this context, I'm saying I love Harry Potter a lot, or very much. Or "How often have you gotten shit-faced this week Linda?" and I would respond with "heaps of times."

28. What a stink/sad guy

When your mate has done some stitching up, you say they're a 'stink/sad guy'.

 "Zoe, I've packed you and have found a new best friend."

"What a stink guy :("

29. Gutted

To express disappointment at someone, a situation, something.

"Densed two bottles of wine and now can't bring myself to drink wine anymore, I'm so gutted." or "Linda I'm coming with you to America" and you're just like "Oh gutted."

30. Can't be bothered/fucked/assed

I thought everyone used these terms but this one is a hit or miss with some people here. I asked my flatmate what the equivalent is and she said it would be somewhat equivalent to "when you don't give a fuck" but it basically means when you just don't wanna do something because you're lazy.

"Linda are you going to try figure out what you're gonna do with you life?"

"Honestly I just can't be bothered."

31. SEND IT

100% not even Kiwi slang but a commonly used phrase in my social circle. Very similar to dense/skull but deserves it on place on this list. This phrase is derived from one afternoon of day drinking where a typical Kiwi bloke no one really knew turned up to a party, got rinsed and passed out by 3pm but not before he encouraged everyone to "send it". It is simultaneously a cue to finish the entire contents of the drink in one's hand and also saying 'cheers' - a very versatile phrase that should definitely be employed in the rest of New Zealand's slang vocabulary.

A great instance for which this phrase should be used is when you're the sober driver for day 1 of an 8 day bender, and your friends have been polishing off a bottle of tequila and 2 cases of beer before you've even had a drop of alcohol (so much alcohol was consumed in said vehicle that as I was being breathalysed, it thought I was over the alcohol limit even though I was dead sober). You have to play the catch-up game real quick and your mates are real supportive of you and telling you "to fucking send it" for encouragement as you dense a bottle of wine in what you would refer to as your best disappearing magic trick yet. Bless.

So there we have it. There are so many other slang terms commonly used in New Zealand and a quick Google search would bring up other lists compiled by other Kiwis but honestly, it varies so much across New Zealand so I wanted to create a list unique to how I talk. It makes for great conversation pieces because I've had hours of long conversations with people who are fascinated by the slang that I use and how fancy they think it sounds (even though in New Zealand, there is nothing fancy about saying "bro, you keen for a mean feed? Your shout? Shot bro.").