#tl;dr lmao furry bitch cant handle minor internet fame comma panics about it for two months & thinks evrybody wants 2 Kill Them LOL

[spider-man-2o99]

Captain's Log: been a couple minutes

hi. quick update. not dead. just had a psychotic episode nd was real fuckin freaked out bcuz of th blinding paranoia and all the other everythings for a couple months, there. i needed to take a break from tumblr for my own mental health, bcuz i was just... it just. got to be All Too Much, and when that damn movie dropped on top of it all, especially, but-- i digress. 

when i get scared, i hide. so. i took a break. because every time i logged onto tumblr, i would just purposefully spend hours looking at shit that i Knew would be emotionally distressing at best and actively triggering at worst--Do Not Do This, btw. shock, horror, surprise, CapCap, but yes, self-harm does in fact do harm to oneself--and it has largely been a long two months shivering in delusional-terrified-prey-animal-mode under a metaphorical fucking rock in the meantime... but, that said, i do still apologize to those of you who i made worry, going dead silent like that.

ep's over now. the time away was... good for me, i think. ultimately. 

even as odd as it is, as a result of it, to see the post-movie sm2099-sphere, and watch from the outside the effects of my own whale-fall as it ripples through that little space that used to just be mine to bear for so long, for the most part. funny little quiet echoes of my own ego and thumbprints i can only recognize because i see them on my own hands every day, and then idly kinda wonder if i deserve to even have had that kind of impact in the first place. the earnest sincerity of that kind of love frightens and flatters and completely, utterly, melts and destroys me, entire. it is sweet to be acknowledged. it is perplexing to Exist outside of myself, and be praised for it. 

..and it is amusing, sometimes, when i can occasionally tell that someone has just Sparknotes-ed from my fic instead of reading the comics because they misinterpreted one of the Jokey-Jokes and/or My Headcanons in there as actual 100-percent comic canon, lol (it's happened more often than you'd think?? im no snitch but i SWEAR im not making this up. im autistic i love 2 Recognize Patterns Across Multiple Bodies of Text 4 fun).

i don't know if i'm quite ready to be Back, yet. but. tonight, i am okay. and i Will Be okay, in the days to come, as well. things are hard now, but they will not always be. 

so. i'll see you later, whenever that is. i hope the future is kind to you. we'll get there together, even if it isn't.