#tl;dr - local girl being unreasonably mean to herself

[theflyingfeeling]

thoughts that kept me awake last night (writing them down now so maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight)

1

I know I'm unemployed against my own will and that it's not my fault there haven't been many job openings related to my degree+experience in the area where I live and that the whole recruitment shit works a bit differently in my field, but I still can't help but feel guilty about not having done enough, and because I haven't done enough, I don't deserve to have a nice, relaxing summer. I'm a teacher, so I wouldn't be working during the summer anyway (which made me guilty enough last summer; how come some people only get about 4 weeks off during the summer months, but I get to have two whole-ass months? not fair, not deserved, guilt guilt guilt), but now that I haven't been working all winter/spring safe for some random substitution gigs (2½ weels being the longest one), it feels so wrong to spend the summer doing shit-all. I don't deserve to sit in the sun enjoying myself, I don't deserve to go out and about, I don't deserve to do nice summery things, and I most definitely don't deserve to travel abroad.

My friend and I have plans to go to Paris late July, but it’s gonna be pricey (the flights in particular), so I'm hesitant about going through with the plan. It's not like I couldn't afford it - I have lived rather economically over the years and have a bit of money saved up for various purposes, travelling being one of them - but I feel like I shouldn't be spending money on such inessentials, because I haven't been doing anything to deserve it. I haven't been working hard enough to find a job, I'm not ready to move elsewhere because of a job, I haven't been looking for job opportunities that are outside my specific field, I haven’t contributed to society in any way, therefore I don't deserve to do anything this summer except sit inside and pretend I don't exist, because if I'm not beneficial to society, I should not be exploiting its services. I don't deserve it, but I really, really, really wanna go to Paris 😭

My life's been more or less the same for the past 10 years; who's to say it won't continue this way for the next 10 years, and the next 10 years after that? I know someone with a more positive mindset might say but what if it does change, but if my life hasn't changed for the past 10 years, what are the chances of it changing in the future? Like, do you get what I'm saying? 😩 Again, I understand certain experiences don't have a due date, but I feel like if those things were to happen at all, they would've happened by now? I want to believe I deserve more from life than this, but what if this is all I deserve? An empty, quiet, meaningless life.

2

Somewhat unrelated but bothering me just as much: I so happy for all my mutuals embracing their identities during pride month, but at the same time I feel like a bit of an outsider because the only thing I identify as is 'failure', and instead of pride I feel extreme shame about what I am, that is to say... nothing? I know everyone has their own path in life and that there is no set schedule to certain life experiences, but it doesn't erase the fact that I'm nowhere near where I always thought I'd be by now. And I know I'm still relatively young and that I still have time to achieve all those things and have those experiences and blabla, but I feel like the more time passes, the harder it gets to get any closer to those things. I know I have time now, but I won't always have time.

I have nothing, I am nothing. I don't belong anywhere.