#tjbj fic

[bluejaysandblackbats]

The Juice Box Jubilee

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam, YJ98, Titans

Summary: A mysterious girl walks through heroes' nightmares, and they band together to figure out why.

Chapters: 2/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, Cassandra Sandsmark, Bart Allen, Tim Drake, Conner Kent, Cissie King-Jones, Grant Emerson, Roy Harper

Relationships: TBA

Additional Tags: Dreams and Nightmares, Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergent AU, First Person POV, Mystery Character(s), Confession(s), Found Family, Healing

Chapter Two: playing dress-up (Cassandra Sandsmark's POV)

Sometimes I feel like an imposter. Nothing makes me feel worse than the nightmare I’ve had for the past two or so years. In my dream, I’m eight years old again. I’m in the art and history museum by my house while my mom works in her office examining new items before displaying them to the public. I walked through the empty impressionist exhibit, mimicking the poses of the women in the paintings. I stretched like the elegantly poised dancers and leaned forward, weary and worn like the exhausted women in their pretty dresses in other paintings. I hear a giggle in the empty exhibits. It was out of a strange curiosity that I did it. They were women. I thought I should be like them.

I heard a giggle in the empty exhibit. It filled me with an indescribable feeling of shame. I froze, trying to ignore it at first. But it echoed. “Who’s there?” I asked before turning around. Without warning, mirrors surrounded me, but instead of seeing my reflection, I saw nothing but myself in my different costumes and outfits over the years. I thought it was a prank. I always thought it was a prank at first. “Okay, cut it out!”

I turned to leave the room, but there weren’t any exits. Then, one of my reflections spoke. “What are you trying to prove?” fourteen-year-old me asked.

“Who are you trying to be?” sixteen-year-old me asked. I opened my mouth to answer the questions before my seventeen-year-old self snickered.

“What are you really wondering, girl?” my seventeen-year-old self asked.

Then, they all started teasing and jeering at me, bringing up my worst insecurities. They told me I wasn’t a real Amazon. They told me I’d never stop trying to imitate the ones that came before me. I was a cheap copy of every woman I admired. For all my strength and power, I was a pathetic excuse for a hero. I was nothing but a fraud. At this point, I would’ve started shattering the mirrors until my knuckles bled, but a small hand caught my fist. “Why are you hurting yourself?” the voice asked. I looked at her with tears in my eyes. She was a little girl with brown hair and serious eyes.

“I-.” I tried to speak but couldn’t give her a sensible answer. “They’re right… I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be. I’ve been playing dress-up my whole life.”

“Everybody plays dress-up sometimes,” she replied. She hooked her fingers into the mirror and opened it like a door. “Do you wanna play one last time?”

I wanted to say no, but she had the sweetest smile. We entered the room filled with costumes, clothes, and wigs. I hesitated before picking something, but she spun through the room and changed into items like a magical princess. I smiled, and it felt like we played for hours. She didn’t judge me or expect me to change, so I felt free to try things I hadn’t before. Different outfits and wigs that I thought were cool. And I told her stuff I wouldn’t tell anyone. “I never felt more at home than when it was just me and the guys… I didn’t have to be anything with them,” I smiled, “And if we’re being honest, I thought I had a crush on Conner, but I-.” I trailed off.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“It sounds dumb, but I thought the only way people would see me as an Amazon is if I looked like the ones I idolized,” I confessed, “And then I kept trying harder and harder to be feminine-. That’s not what I wanted to be.”

“What do you want to be?” she questioned. I looked in the mirror while I fidgeted with my wig and straightened the waist of my side button track pants.

I slipped on a pair of goggles and smiled. “I don’t think I want to be Wonder Girl anymore. I think it’s time I stop pretending,” I smiled.

*

I called Bart, Cissie, and Conner to the park to hang out while I tried to find the words to explain my feelings. Bart arrived first with Cissie and swept me off my feet in an embrace. “It’s been a million years! How’s it going? Wait-. What’s wrong? There’s something wrong,” Bart greeted me. He held my shoulders as he looked me over.

I chuckled and hugged him. “Not like you to notice stuff like that. How are you?” I asked. Bart’s face changed for a split second, almost frowning.

“I’m great. I can’t complain. Max is back,” Bart replied. Cissie hugged me and laughed.

“My turn, okay?” Cissie smiled at Bart. “How’s it going, Cassie?”

“Um… I don’t know yet,” I answered.

Conner and Tim came through together. “Hey! Conner brought food!” Tim shouted.

I hugged them, and we walked toward the picnic tables. We sat at the table, and I stuck my fingers in the patterned holes in the metal. “I’m not-. I don’t have-. I’m not going to be Wonder Girl anymore,” I announced.

Bart stood up to protest. “Why?” Bart asked.

“Because I don’t-. I’m not-. I don’t-. I’m nonbinary,” I stammered. I raked a hand through my hair and started rambling about how I never felt like a girl and how hard I tried to be a girl. “So, um-. So when I change my look and my costume and name-. I wanted you guys to be the first to know.”

We sat silently for a few seconds, and Conner poked his lips out and cleared his throat. “At the risk of sounding insensitive, these tacos will taste terrible cold,” Conner mumbled. I chuckled, and everyone else laughed, too.

We ripped the bag open and started eating before Conner stopped to look at me. “Hey, Cassie, we love you. You know that, right? That’s never going to change,” Conner reassured me.

“Cassie, we’re a family,” Tim added.

“Yeah, Cassie, we’re happy you told us,” Cissie smiled. Bart didn’t say anything.

Instead, he waited until everyone left and sat with me. “Bart? Are you okay?” I asked.

“I-. I’m glad you called. I’ve been-. I’ve felt down in the dumps for a while now, and it felt good to see you guys. I know you’re-. I’m nonbinary like you. It’s more common in the future, but I get how-. You don’t-. You and me. We don’t talk about our feelings,” Bart explained. I never expected Bart to say he was depressed.

“Bart, are you okay?” I asked. “I’m pretty sure my mom-.”

He burst into tears. “I feel like everyone’s fading away,” Bart cried, “And I don’t want that. I want you to stay. I want Cissie, Conner, and Tim to stay. I wake up every day wondering if the people I see will disappear or if I’ll-.”

I hugged him. “Bart, I love you so much,” I replied, “You jerks are my best friends… And in true best friends fashion, I’ll tell you a secret, and if you ever tell Conner I will kill you with my bare hands.”

Bart stopped crying and nodded. “I won’t,” Bart promised.

“I used to think I had a crush on him, but I realized something… I wanted to be more like him,” I confessed.

“I thought everyone felt that way about him… Well-. Not Cissie, but almost everybody. I’m behind everybody maturity-wise, but I’m catching up quickly. He’s the oldest and the coolest in the group, so it’s only natural,” Bart replied. I grinned.

“You’re right… And-. Bart, let me text my mom. It can’t hurt for you to spend the night at my house-.”

“I can’t sleep,” Bart confessed. It seemed like a big deal. So, I grabbed his big head and kissed the top of it.

“If you still can’t sleep, we’ll stay up all night talking. We definitely have to talk about your gender,” I smiled. Bart nodded.

[bluejaysandblackbats]

The Juice Box Jubilee

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam, YJ98, Titans

Summary: A mysterious girl walks through heroes' nightmares, and they band together to figure out why.

Chapters: 1/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, Cassandra Sandsmark, Bart Allen, Tim Drake, Conner Kent, Cissie King-Jones, Grant Emerson, Roy Harper

Relationships: TBA

Additional Tags: Dreams and Nightmares, Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergent AU, First Person POV, Mystery Character(s), Confession(s), Found Family, Healing

Chapter One: mommy's hugs (Jason's POV)

I couldn’t see past the smoke, but I could hear her struggling and choking. “Mom!” I shouted. I tried to stand but couldn’t move anything below my chest. My stomach felt strange, like a foot that fell asleep. I dragged my body across the ground, screaming for her. “Mom!”

It was always the same. I couldn’t see my mom, but I could hear her. I wanted her to say my name and acknowledge that I was there. I wanted to hold her… But it was always the same. The smoke overtook me, and I’d wake up choking. I turned on my side, hacking until I could breathe again, and sometimes it got so bad I’d throw up. This time, though, I didn’t wake up. I felt a hand wrap around my fingers. “What do you want?” the little voice asked. I turned to see a girl in orange flower pajamas.

“Huh?” I asked.

“Why are you crying? What do you want?” she asked as if she were talking to someone younger than herself. What struck me wasn’t her presence. It was her question. I wasn’t crying at all.

“I want my mommy,” I answered. I covered my mouth at the sound of my voice. I sounded like a little boy again. And I was crying. I wasn’t on my stomach anymore. I stood a little shorter than the girl holding my hand… And she wasn’t holding my fingers anymore. I held hers. “I can’t find my mommy.” I hiccupped through my tears. I was so frightened that I’d forgotten I was an adult moments before.

“It’s okay… We’ll find your mommy,” she replied. She waved her free hand until the smoke vanished. I could see my mom in the corner of our apartment, sitting on the fire escape, and I let go of the little girl’s hand, running toward my mom at full speed with tears in my eyes. My mom caught me and held on tight.

“Jason,” Mom whispered as she showered me in kisses. I cried joyfully, weeping as she cradled me in her arms. “It’s okay, Jason… Mommy’s here.” I didn’t want to let go. I hid my face in her chest, and I could almost smell her.

I woke up in bed, a hand on my chest as I stared at the ceiling. “Fuck,” I breathed the word out. I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. “Okay… Okay.”

I couldn’t shake the little girl’s face from my memory. She was so deeply concerned. Getting out of bed felt impossible. I had to force myself to get up… But it only made me feel worse. I sat up and immediately started to sob into my outstretched palms. It was the worst I’d felt in years. I couldn’t catch my breath.

I cried myself sick. It felt like I lost my mom all over again. But worse. I got to see the best version of her. I could almost smell her perfume. It was the same perfume her grandmother wore. Once I calmed down, I climbed out of bed and showered. The cold water shocked me awake and cleared my head, and I let the water trickle through my hair. I focused on my skin prickling with goosebumps under the icy water, letting it pull me out of despair. My phone rang, and I ignored it. I couldn’t get out of the shower. My dream shook me up in ways I couldn’t explain.

I sat at the edge of my bed, staring at the wall as I slipped a sweatshirt over my head. My limbs felt heavy. I wanted to call someone and talk about it, but I didn’t know what I would say. My recurring nightmare finally had a happy ending, and I can’t shake the feeling that it shouldn’t have ended that way. I knew what everyone would say. They’d say I was finding a reason to be unhappy. Dismiss my real fears. My phone rang a second time. “What?” I snapped.

“Someone’s in a mood,” Barbara replied. I exhaled through my nose, trying to conceal my embarrassment.

“Sorry… I thought you were someone else. What’s up?” I asked. “Wait, why are you calling me from your cell?”

“It’s a personal call. Checking in,” Barbara replied. I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to pull myself together.

“Do you still have the number of that therapist?” I asked. I ran a hand over my face, anticipating Barbara’s following questions.

“Yeah… I’ll send it to you right now,” Barbara replied, “I’m not going to ask why you want it. I am going to ask if it’s urgent.”

I sat with my thoughts for a moment, trying to figure out how to answer. “It feels urgent right now, but I had a bad morning. I should get off the phone-.”

“I get it… Bye, Jason,” Barbara replied. She hung up before I could reply to her.

I called the number Barbara sent me and held my breath when it started to ring. “Good morning, Dr. Andersen, speaking,” she introduced herself. I considered hanging up. “Hello?”

“I’m-. I’d like to make an appointment,” I whispered. The words made me feel sick.

*

Dr. Andersen was a few years older than Barbara. She had a pixie cut. Nothing too trendy or modern. It was more vintage than anything. I fiddled with an old toy clock sitting on her desk. I didn’t look at her directly. I studied her with a few calculated and indirect glances. I couldn’t tell her about my dream, so I started with my background. “I didn’t know my stepmom wasn’t my birth mother until I was fifteen years old. She passed away when I was twelve. My father passed away around the same time. They had a tumultuous marriage, and my mom was-. My mom was addicted to drugs. I couldn’t help her. So, I went into foster care, and then I got adopted. The adoption was-. I found out about my birth mom. Then, I met her, and she died too,” I explained.

Dr. Andersen nodded. “Which parent or parents are you having the nightmare about?” Dr. Andersen asked. She saw right through me.

“The stepmom,” I answered. I tried to be as impersonal as possible about it. Dr. Andersen saw through that, too.

She wrote something down. “How do you feel about that?” Dr. Andersen questioned.

“I’m usually fine. I have a few nightmares about my mom here and there, but the other day-. It was different. The nightmare was strange, too. I cried in my sleep, and when I woke up, I started sobbing. I couldn’t stop. I had to shower to clear my head,” I answered. The thought of the nightmare got caught in my throat, and I swallowed it like bile. “I should tell you about my nightmare and why I feel guilty… Shouldn’t I?”

I met eyes with Dr. Andersen. Her eyes were a cloudy color as they studied me. I could tell her mind went about a hundred miles per hour. “Did any of your parents have a funeral?” Dr. Andersen asked. I froze. No one ever asked me about their funerals.

“I’ve-. No,” I stammered. I wondered if it could’ve helped me process my pain. It wasn’t something that I talked about. But I found myself thinking about how strange it was that I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to any of the people I lost. I couldn’t hear anything she said after I answered. My ears rang, my stomach ached, and I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t ground myself. It was like I fell into a pocket of grief. It was the first time I’d felt normal in over a decade. I felt like shit, but it made sense to feel like shit. I hated that it took twelve years to sink in, but it was a relief to know I felt something.

[bluejaysandblackbats]

The Juice Box Jubilee

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam, YJ98, Titans

Summary: A mysterious girl walks through heroes' nightmares, and they band together to figure out why.

Chapters: 3/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, Cassandra Sandsmark, Bart Allen, Tim Drake, Conner Kent, Cissie King-Jones, Grant Emerson, Roy Harper

Relationships: TBA

Additional Tags: Dreams and Nightmares, Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergent AU, First Person POV, Mystery Character(s), Confession(s), Found Family, Healing

Chapter Three: safe grownup (Grant Emerson's POV)

I usually sleep fine. Except when I don’t. And tonight was the worst night of sleep I’d had in years. It was a dream I’d had before, but it always varied. I was little. Maybe I was five or six because I had a teddy bear. I always had a teddy bear in these nightmares. Tonight, I carried my bear through the fog. I rushed through the haze, not getting far on my little feet. I walked until I saw an adult in the distance. “Mister, I—! Mister, I need help!” I shouted. They didn’t answer, so I got close and grabbed the man’s arm. He turned toward me, and I gasped when I saw the freakishly realistic animal mask he wore. The man didn’t speak but approached me in a way that made my blood run cold. I turned to run, but my legs felt heavy. The fog lifted, and I grabbed a woman’s wrist, tugging her sleeve until she turned. She didn’t have a mask on. But stained adhesive bandages covered her face.

I recoiled, dropping her hand as I ran away again. It usually went on like that until they caught up with me. They always caught me, surrounding me with their frightening masks. After that, I’d wake up alone in my room. Tonight was different. I hit a dead end and crouched in a corner. I closed my eyes, but I could feel them closing in. A little girl stooped beside me. “Not all grown-ups are bad,” she whispered, “Don’t you remember?” I shook my head.

“I can’t get away… I can’t get—.”

She sat down and squeezed my hand. “What’s your teddy’s name?” she asked as she reached for it. I curled around my bear, hiding it from her. “Grant. What’s his name?”

She knew my name, but I didn’t know hers. I had no choice but to believe she was trustworthy. I looked at the foot of the little bear in my arms, and I smiled at the name. I didn’t have a bear like that one growing up. Especially not one named Roy. “I don’t—.”

“He kept you safe. Didn’t he?” she asked.

I nodded with tears in my eyes. “Yeah… He did,” I replied, “But I can’t go back. I left. I left the reservation. I left the team. I left him.”

“You’re scared to talk to him. Why?” she asked.

“You don’t know me—.”

“I want to,” she interrupted. Her tone was painfully sincere.

Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I turned away, scowling as I forcefully wiped my face. “What if he doesn’t want anything to do with me? A lot’s changed since then. I’ve done things and said things that—.”

“Most grownups who care don’t stop caring… They might get mad, but they don’t usually give up on the kids they take care of,” she replied. Before I could say anything else, my alarm woke me out of my sleep, and I sat up with my face in my hands. I grabbed my phone and sat in silence… And I contemplated the meaning of the dream I had. It didn’t feel like a dream toward the end.

I couldn’t move until I found out if she was right. I called Roy’s number, hoping it was still in service. It rang twice before I got an answer. “Hello?” he answered. I didn’t know what to say. So I didn’t say anything. “I promise I don’t bite. Who is this?”

“Roy… Roy, this is Grant. I don’t know if you remember—.”

“Of course, I remember you! How are you? I haven’t—. I haven’t heard from you in a while. How’ve you been?” Roy asked. I could hear his smile over the phone. I laughed as tears streamed down my face.

I hyperventilated as I tried to speak. “Roy, I-. It’s nice to hear your voice. I felt sick to my stomach when I thought you died. I just—. I didn’t think you’d want to talk—.”

“I’ve wanted to talk to you since you left… But, you were with the JSA, so I figured you were in good hands. Hey, are you still in New York?” Roy questioned.

“Yeah… I am,” I replied.

“Sick, do you wanna get a bite to eat? A lot’s happened since you left. My treat,” Roy offered. It sounded nice. A lot better than being on my own all morning waiting for something bad to happen. I was a walking nuke. It wasn’t like I was in high demand for emergency calls. I dreaded their calls for that reason.

“Sure. I’d like that,” I smiled.

“Hey, before I let you go… Why’d you think to call me?” Roy asked.

“Um… You were in a dream I had,” I answered, “Kind of.”

“I can’t wait to hear more about it over breakfast… I’ll text you the time and place,” Roy replied before he hung up.

*

I got there late. I thought Roy would chew me out, but he was happy to see me. We went through the regular niceties, and I sat across from him at the table. “I didn’t always like you or agree with you but—. But you were the first safe adult—. You were the first person that ever made me feel completely safe,” I confessed. I had to say it before I had the chance to chicken out.

“That’s a huge compliment, Grant. I’m glad you felt safe,” Roy smiled. Sincere.

“I haven’t been safe since I left… I’ve got a clean slate and everything—. It doesn’t mean anything to me. I haven’t felt safe in so long that it’s like—. I just—. Roy, I didn’t have any say in the things that happened to me. I had to be raised by the Emersons. I had to have superpowers. I had to become a superhero. I didn’t want any of it… But I did want one thing once I realized it was too late to go back. I wanted to be part of your family,” I stammered. Roy didn’t look away. He sat silently, waiting for me to finish.

“Hey, Grant. That’s all you had to say. I already saw you as my kid. I probably shoulda told you that you were welcome to come home whenever you felt like it, but so much—. I was so focused on getting you somewhere safe to deal with your trauma that I didn’t realize it looked like I was giving you up. That’s not—. I’m sorry,” Roy apologized. I shrugged it off. “Grant, I should’ve checked in. Plain and simple. I’m sorry that I didn’t reach out when you left.”

“It’s okay… Um—. How’re you?” I asked.

“I’m alright. Lian’s alive… That’s been interesting,” Roy replied, “I’m trying to fit back into my life.”

“I get that… More than you know,” I whispered. The waitress came and took our orders for breakfast. Still, in the back of my mind, I couldn’t think of anything but the little girl. I wished she was real. I wished I could thank her.