#title is pulled from the lyrics of still/the neva flows (reprise) from Anastasia the musical

[the-sound-of-her-wings]

We Have the Past to Bury

❀ Premise: A traumatic figure from your past reappears, causing you to reveal yourself as an Inferni to the Crows for the first time. They try to comfort you after you win the fight. Based on this ask. ❀ Pairing: Fem!Inferni!Reader x Kaz Brekker ❀ Word Count: 2,211 ❀ Content Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Nightmare Sequence Involving Fire, Death by Fire, People being burned alive, Angst to Fluff

Everything is on fire. The floor, the ceilings, the walls. You are in the center of it, wailing, trying not to catch fire. You stumble to the floor. A flaming beam falls next to you and you scream. The fire begins to slowly encircle you, growing ever closer. You bury your head in your knees, too scared to move. Suddenly, there is a loud wooshing sound, followed by footsteps.

You hear some adults talking but you don’t recognize their voices.

“It’s okay, little one.” You hear.

You look up and see kind, dark eyes looking into yours. The man has crouched down to your level in order to make you feel comfortable. He holds out his hand to you, and you take it.

You gasp for breath as you awaken from the nightmare. Thankfully, the tent you share with Inej is already empty. You take a few deep breaths to slow down your heart rate before preparing yourself for the day ahead.

“You’re up rather late today, something keeping you awake at night?” Nina asks with a wink and a sly glance at Kaz.

“Just needed more rest,” You lie.

Kaz gives you a look, but you just shake your head. You'll talk about it another time.

“I saved you some breakfast,” Inej says, throwing you an apple.

“Thanks,” You reply, catching it.

“We’ve got one more day of travel until we reach the intercept point,” Kaz states, gesturing to a map laid out on a table in the center of camp.

“You know, it’s a little unfair that we have to travel on foot when Alina gets a horse and carriage,” Jesper comments.

“Horses aren’t good spies,” Matthias retorts without elaborating.

“She needs to be obvious. We don’t,” Nina adds.

“Doesn’t make it any less fair,” Jesper says.

“Wylan, is our path clear?” Kaz asks, ignoring the conversation.

“Kaz…” Wylan says, his binoculars showing the number of troops vastly outnumber their small team, “I think the Darkling’s army took a detour.” He did not pack enough explosives for this.

“He’s here?” You ask, your stomach dropping.

“Does anyone know how to defeat the Darkling without the sun summoner?” Jesper asks.

“We don’t need to defeat him. We just have to stall.” Kaz replies, taking the binoculars from Wylan and taking a look for himself.

“Can we ambush them?” Matthias asks.

“There’s too many,” Kaz says.

“Do they know we’re here?” Inej asks.

“The heartrenders do. There are at least two of them- they appear to be guarding the Darkling,” Nina says.

“Do we have to engage?” You question, swaying back and forth to try and quell your anxiety.

“We don’t have a choice,” Kaz states.

You grip the lighter in your pocket- the lighter they don’t know about- and release it, “Okay,”

It starts with an explosion. Wylan’s able to wipe out about a third of the Darkling’s forces before the battle even really begins. You, Inej, and Matthias all run in ahead of the others. You’re able to take out about ten people on your own with just your knives. Everyone tries to hold their own, but there are too many people.

The Darkling walks toward the group, leisurely. His two heart renders have a hold of the group, attempting to knock everyone unconscious to make them easier to kill.

“Pathetic,” He says.

The others aren’t sure what happens at first. There is a flash of light, so bright, so hot, they're not sure they saw anything at all. When it fades, the two heartrenders are lying on the ground, covered in black soot. You are standing in front of the Darkling, sleeves completely burnt off. You storm towards him, putting up a circle of fire around the perimeter, preventing him from leaving and any of your friends from getting in.

“Y/N!” Kaz yells after you. He backs away from the flames, knowing there’s no way to reach you now.

“Hello, y/n.”

“You do not get to speak to them like that.” You reply, dagger pointing towards him.

“Oh, get rid of that silly thing,” He rips it from your hand with his power. “You’re much more powerful without it.”

“Am I?” You retort, “Or am I just more useful to you like this.”

“You shouldn’t repress your nature. It’s unhealthy,” He says.

“Why are you doing this?”

“They have taken everything from us. They have abused us and used us, and hated us for far too long. The Otkazat'sya deserve nothing.”

“As if you have not used me. As if you did not use Genya. As if you have not sacrificed thousands of us in pursuit of your justice. Can you even call it that, with everything you’ve done?” You taunt, drawing out the lighter you keep in your pocket for emergencies.

“Freedom doesn’t come without sacrifice. Every choice I made was for the betterment of the Grisha.”

“Do not justify yourself to me,” You say, thumb pressed against the lighter, ready to light it at any second. “Do not think you can win me over with your words. Our people have suffered because of you.”

“They would have killed all of us,” The Darkling says. “This is the only way to show them we are stronger. That they should never dare to lay a finger on us.”

“You’ve lived so long and you are still trying to rule with fear. Grisha die every day. They are abused every day. And you think the solution is to make them hate us more?”

“They will hate us regardless.”

“You are a fool, Aleksander,” You say. The world around you erupts in an explosion of flames and darkness. When the dust clears, all that remains are the charred remains of the people you killed.

You put out the ring of fire, and see your friends still fighting. They are holding their own, those left behind being abandoned by their leader, but you don’t care.

The bullet Jesper had intended to kill the person he was fighting melts before it can hit them. The person is also gone, turned into ash. He stares after you when you walk past him, having never seen you do anything like that before.

The Grisha surrounding Nina aren’t as lucky. They erupt into flames, despite a tilemaker being among them. The air is too hot to hold any humidity. You have made the air hostile to water. The Grisha scream in agony, begging you to put out the fire as their flesh becomes rilled with burns- you ignore them.

“Y/N?” Nina calls.

Inej looks up, removing her knife from the last Grisha she had been fighting. She watches as a man tries to attack you, but you simply put up your hand- and then his head is gone. Matthias sees it too. He knows the power you are exhibiting is the reason his culture hates witches. Inej glances back at Nina, Jesper, and Wylan who are staring at you, concerned.

The knife in Kaz’s hand melts as it goes into the skull of the last standing Grisha. His glove catches fire slightly, but you put it out instantly. You do not put out the last Grisha.

“Please… please..” He pleads.

“You were made from dust. Return to it,” You hiss. His ashes float away in the wind.

You offer your hand to Kaz, who stumbled backward once the knife was melted. He takes it, and when he stands, he gets close to your face. You immediately drop his gloved hand and begin walking away. You give yourself a light one more time and scorch the earth behind you with the symbol of the crows.

“We’re done here,” You state, making your way back to camp. Tears begin to roll down your face as you walk.

XXXXX

You stare deeply into the fire, holding your knees to your chest. Inej and Nina sit on either side of you.

“You’ve done that before,” Matthias states, sitting on the opposite side of the fire. Nina shoots him a look.

“Many times.” You reply, “You never get used to the screams.” You feel Inej’s hand on your shoulder, but you are too tired to shrug off her affection. Nina tries to pick the ashes that still remain out of your hair.

“You don’t,” He agrees.

“Do you remember the first person you killed?” You ask.

He nods. They don’t say it, but Nina and Inej remember, too.

“Do you regret it?”

“No. Do you?”

You say nothing, just stare deeper into the fire.

“They would have killed us. It was self-defense.” Matthias replies, unsure of how to comfort you. No one’s really sure how to comfort you, but they are all trying their best.

“I know,” You say.

“Are you sure you don’t want something to eat? Jesper and Wylan made a soup for us,” Nina asks.

“It is edible,” Inej adds. It was distinctly not edible the last time they tried to make something, so you appreciate the addition.

“I’m fine, thank you.” You respond.

“Well, we all know that’s a lie.” Nina retorts. “Eating might make you feel better.”

“It won’t. But you’re right, I should eat.” You relent.

Nina gets up from her seat and pours you a bowl of soup. It is decent.

“Thank you,” You say, partially uncurling from your position to allow you to eat easier.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Inej asks.

“Not particularly.” You respond.

“Oh, are we wallowing in despair over here?” Jesper asks, mildly drunk, holding a mug of vodka in hand. Wesper is attached to him at the hip, considerably drunker. You reduce the size of the fire just in case one of them might hurt themselves.

“Maybe a little,” You state. “Thank you for the soup.”

“You melted one of my bullets. It was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.” Jesper compliments.

“The wall of fire was pretty cool, too,” Wylan adds.

“Uh- thanks?” You reply.

“I think we should celebrate. You kicked ass today,” Jesper says.

Wylan nods in agreement.

“It wasn’t just me.” You say, reducing your own contributions.

“Then there’s even more reason to celebrate! We sent the Darkling running.” He cheers before taking a big swig.

“There’s always time for a little dancing, isn’t there?” Nina says, smirking at Matthias.

“A drink wouldn’t hurt,” Inej comments, trying to convince herself to participate.

“I think I’ll just get some rest. I’ll celebrate tomorrow,” You state, standing up. You place the bowl on the table and head to your tent, not paying attention to whatever’s going on behind you.

Kaz is waiting for you when you enter. He’s holding all the knives you left in people’s skulls on the battlefield- the one’s that he thought were your only weapon until you started turning people to ash.

“I’m sorry.” You say, reflexively. You’re not really sure what you are apologizing for. Sorry I didn’t tell you I was an inferni this entire time? Sorry I didn’t tell you that I know the Darkling? Sorry I burnt your glove and melted your knife?

“We all have our secrets.” He dismisses. “I wanted to make sure these got back to you.” He says, handing you the knives with the hilt pointed toward you.

“Thank you, Kaz.” You say, putting them in your pocket.

“You haven’t treated your wounds,” He states, noticing cuts and scrapes on your arms and the ash built up around your fingers.

“It’s nothing,” You reply, “Nina took care of the most severe one’s already.”

Kaz glances behind you outside of the tent to see the others dancing with no music. Nina is teaching Matthias how to Waltz, while Wylan and Jesper are taking turns twirling each other. Inej is swaying back and forth, supportively.

“They seem to be in a good mood,” He comments.

“I suppose they’re just happy to be alive.” You state.

You stand in silence, not really sure what you want to say to each other.

“I don’t like using the small sciences.” You say.

“I won’t make you use it,” Kaz replies, even though it’s the wrong option strategically. Everyone saw how powerful you were.

"The Darkling used to make me use them. He used to make me do all sorts of things I didn't want to do. He said they were necessary. He said-" You ramble.

"What he said doesn't matter. You're not under his control anymore. You're not his." Kaz retorts, making a fist.

"He said we were pathetic. And it made me so angry. I don't want to be that angry ever again." You vent, tears in your eyes. "I almost hurt you."

"You didn't." He states.

"But-"

"Y/N, you didn't hurt me. You didn't hurt any of us." Kaz interrupts. He takes both of your hands to try and calm you down.

“I’ll get you another dagger. To replace the one I melted,” You promise as he lets go. You wipe away the tears from your eyes with the back of your hand.

“You’ll need a new dress.” He responds. “You burned the sleeves off of this one.”

“Thank you,” You say.

Kaz nods and walks past you to leave.

“Kaz? Could you stay here tonight?” You ask. “I don’t… I don’t think I want to be alone.”

“Then you won’t be,” He replies.