#tis worth it 10000x over though | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

darktributary · 4 years ago

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Love Story 1

kelsy

The last day of 5th grade I asked Cody McDonald to ask Kelsy Mygrant to be my girlfriend. She was cute, and super sweet. She wanted me to ask her myself, hahaha. I liked her. I called once at least over the summer, i believe i called one parent, and they told me to call the other parent which i did. i remember sitting on the floor of my room at Hauenstein apartments talking to her on the phone. 6th grade came and i didn’t have an ounce of knowledge of what it meant to be a boyfriend. i didn’t even talk to her, i couldn’t build up the nerve. how could i? she dated braydin. he got me kicked out of cross country because of our kelsy related dislike for each other, lol. i punched chad champion in the face when i heard he cheated on kelsy. he punched & indian burned my arm. worth it. kelsy was a fairy tale all throughout middle and high school. one of the girls that not a single person could say they didn’t want to be with or like, the beautiful, lovely, prestigious, down to earth, kind, empathetic, never would i ever give you up if i had you type. the type that you knew would make something of herself while also making something of you if she chooses. held in the highest regard among all.

JUNIOR YEAR was a dream come true. english with you. remember at the beginning of the year when i had allllll those hickeys on my neck from fucking lindsey. you n mikhala made fun of me while sitting at a table in the library across from me. i can’t even fathom how you could look at me and think i’m cute after that. it wasn’t until near the end of the year when i realized that you weren’t just a figment of my imagination. valentine’s day maybe. you weren’t the royal who could never be touched but could, maybe, possibly be my love story. words can’t describe how happy you made me then. staying up all night on my floor, seeing you get out of the car at HU’s bball court, calling on you to take care of my bad-tripping ass. i cherish these times more than anything. i tried as hard as i possibly could to be “cool” and to let you do your thing. i didn’t want to scare you away but i was falling down the longest staircase of you. you did keep me at a distance. i picked up on that and i reciprocated 😔. i tried to keep things going but i couldn’t keep up the effort alone.

SPRING BREAK senior year

when everything came rushing back. such strong feelings. i couldn’t help myself. i was drowning and you saved me. i owed you my love, but i couldn’t give it all to you. i wanted to give you everything, i knew i couldn’t but i did what i could to keep you there. i knew that you were forever and that emma wasn’t. kelsy was perfect in every way i could imagine, but for some reason my heart still hurt more for emma at the time. that feeling of love mixed with pain, it’s depth. it pulled me in the wrong direction. i couldn’t get myself to let either of you go for quite some time. back & forth, back & forth i went. finally after almost killing myself at the beginning of COLLEGE, i always knew that kelsy was 10000x better for me, i chose. i couldn’t tell you why it still wasn’t enough. i kept a keepsafe/photo vault with a handful of pictures of emma and i, a nude or two, and a few pictures of girls i screenshotted from twitter/instagram. your perfection made me do everything i possibly could to hide my bad sides. i lied and told the half-truth so many times involving that story because i couldn’t face the truth, that i had pictures of other girls on my phone that i was hiding from you. i have this dark side of me that i could never ever tell you of, and you nearly found it. i was never straight up completely honest about that, i’m sorry.

that little blonde girl from the tower... she made me very nervous whenever i saw her because i had thoughts of cheating with her. i didn’t. we sat on the 2nd floor of the tower and talked for a bit, flirted a little bit, i did not mention having a girlfriend, and i did tell her which dorm i lived in. she slid her number under my door and i threw it away. you were out of town for a funeral. i pushed the limit and i lied about it. i also danced with a girl at a halloween party that brenden and i went to. she gave me her snapchat and asked if i wanted to hang out. i don’t think i would’ve done it, but it would’ve been more difficult to say no if i hadn’t been with you in person at the time. and when we broke up, it didn’t take me longer than two days to go back to emma. i was desperate for love attention & affection. in come summer.

mother’s day. i slept with two women. i loved them both. there was no malicious intent. i wanted to be with one, and i wanted to say goodbye to the other. and i’m also a disgusting pervert who had sex whenever i got the chance to. i am cruel for this. i am disgusting for this. it’s actually the worst thing i’ve ever done in my life aside from lying about it to your face multiple times. i was certain that you’d never give me another chance if you knew. i almost told you when you asked, almost a year later in the Lockfield parking lot, but i still couldn’t face it. hell i still haven’t faced it.

this was though, the very last time i ever saw Emma as more than just a friend. the fizzling out love that i felt for her had finally gone flat, but that just made it easier to never tell you the truth about that night.

we sat at the park in your truck outside of huntington on your birthday until 6:30 am. 2016. lots of crying. i don’t remember us ending things. but i do remember reuniting with a simple “do you wanna listen to music with me” - something along those lines - on our UTEC assembly line. that moment sticks out to me a lot. it felt incredible. movie like. it was sad to leave for indy. even more sad, when we reunited fall of sophomore year, i told you i hadn’t been with any girls at all. you seemed pleasantly surprised. it was true, but then i went and slept with savanna. i convinced myself that it was okay because you and i weren’t “getting back together” just yet. but when we did decide to get back together, i was all in. i was scared, and i didn’t know myself and i didn’t know how to love you the right way, but i loved you so fucking much and only you. i cut all my ties and all i wanted was to be with you. but it was too late. the damage i caused was irreversible. and ever since then i’ve been damned with hope that i could fix things.

i pushed things too far spring ‘19. i had no idea what i was doing, i had very little clue about myself, still. all i knew is that i loved you so much that there was no way it didn’t mean something. i wasn’t ready and it either pushed you away or you never felt anything in the first place. maybe you tried but realized later, & didn’t know how else to tell me. it’s all okay. i forgive you, although it doesn’t seem necessary, i don’t think you could ever hurt me enough to even things. i can only hope that you forgive me one day.

& present day, my dislike for myself stems from the way i treated you, and the things i’ve never told you. it’s difficult to see the right when i’ve done so much wrong. you are still who i think of when i remember what being in love feels like. i want that feeling back so badly. everyone is telling me to move on, to give myself a chance to be happy again. i’ve very rarely listened to anything other than my heart when it comes to love, but that gets me into trouble. i’m going to listen this time. i don’t want letting you go to be what i need to love again, but it is.

i’m sorry, for every single bit. i love you. i will always.

- River ♥️

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