#time travel: and no touching this outside of lying about the movie's main plot and premise to push frigga's death on that main character

[blindtaleteller]

It isn't just that moment either; it's the seconds after that the camera lingers on him. That film was and remains severely under-rated for what it SHOWED and didn't just tell: including that contradiction of emotions in him.

Because it wasn't just that realization that hit Hiddleston's expressions: that and a lot more was there and in his tones. There was the hope she crushed still at it after 1500 years, the disappointment and hurt, the quieter recognition of those things and resignation, and the full realization that no, she did not care enough about him to truly try past the last 1500 years of lies about him, their relationship, or the fact he wasn't even the same species with extremely differing traits outside of backing solitary confinement lasting three thousand five hundred, to four thousand years over immediate execution (which in itself is a whole other level of wtfery when you start asking questions he probably had an inkling about like: how did they know the details of the supposed deal made and not know either the goal OR under what threat:) and in the last moments there was also the very clear wish none of that was the case... he wanted to trust her, and there simply was no grounds on which to do that at this stage.

Add in the clear thought that.. he doesn't know who his mother is any more than we the viewers do: or how honest even Odin's account is either. The likelihood is for us that Loki isn't aware of though: Odin very probably killed her and many others on his way into the temple he was still bloody from fighting his way into, to find Loki at all.

And TDW pulled that scene off so damned well in literal seconds long scenes with more expression than dialogue.

^That was just one of them, but definitely one of the best.

...also tags.

God the moment in TDW when Frigga asks Loki "Then am I not your mother?" is so fucking painful and sad.

Like Loki was hopeful that he still had Frigga as a mother, that he still had some family that actually loved him, that she was still the good person he always thought she was, but then she starts to manipulate him like Odin, defending Odin's actions, and basically saying "you can either have both of us or neither of us". And he decides that he's not taking it anymore, he already took enough from Odin, he's not taking it from her. So, he responds, realizing that he has no one left, "you're not".

And oh my god just seeing the realization on his face makes me cry

[sugasweetsubs]

the world is cold and life’s not fair, baby [Yoongi x Reader] pt.1

1 | THE WORLD IS COLD

Demon!Yoongi x Reader - Angst

Rated M (for violence, blood, strong language*)

*more warnings will apply in future chapters

Words: 6.7k

Pt.1 of 4 (next)

       Curling up inside a dusty wardrobe and struggling to maintain steady breathing despite fear bubbling up with every noise is not how Y/N pictured the day going when she woke up this morning.

       One particularly loud creak just outside the door sends a spike of panic through Y/N's chest. She tries to make herself even smaller in the pitch black darkness of the wardrobe, but thankfully the footsteps wander close for only a moment before they fade away into another room. Y/N risks a soft sigh of relief, the ridiculousness of the situation almost forcing an incredulous laugh from her as well.

       How did this even happen?

       The thought rises suddenly, a welcome line of focus to keep her from worrying over the softest of sounds. Finding the answer to this question takes her thoughts back all the way to the beginning of this mess: searching for her brother, meeting Yoongi, tracking down the tiniest of leads--it had all been building to this moment whether they realized it or not, and Y/N finds that the further back she takes her thoughts, the more she feels her breathing slow. Chasing after the calming effect of the distraction, Y/N allows the train of thought to continue.

       Her brother’s disappearance was the start of everything. Even when they were teenagers, it wasn't uncommon for Y/N's brother to vanish for a week or two, off on adventures of both the legal and illegal variety. Over the years the adventures have ranged from sudden road trips without telling anyone beforehand to free solo climbing anywhere and everywhere; therefore, her brother’s most recent stint with club fighting came as no surprise to anyone. The vanishing acts were a constant source of concern for their family and their only consolation came from the phone call Y/N received exactly two weeks after his departure. Whether it was from his phone or from a stranger's, the call always came. Always. Even when Y/N would rat him out to their parents, her brother never failed to let her know that he was alright. So when a month passed with no call after his most recent disappearance, Y/N was certain something wasn't right.

       Y/N tried to convince herself that the call was just late and it would come eventually, but one week past the one month point she couldn't wait around any longer. Searching his apartment, tracking down his travel buddies, bribing the waitress at the cafe he frequented whenever in town--she did everything she could to find him.

       Everything led her back to the same place: his fight club.

       Y/N knew that her brother was in town and actively fighting, so finding betting slips and a planner full of fight dates in his apartment was to be expected. What she didn’t expect to find was a notebook full of detailed investigation notes about an organization’s plot to murder the owner of the fight club and take over his business. Getting involved in feuds like that is a quick ticket to the top of every blacklist in the city, and Y/N could only hope that her brother was involved with the arranged fighting alone rather than the underground secrets that went with it.

       This is how Y/N came to know the notoriously violent boss of the largest illegal fighting operation in Chicago.

       Yoongi: impatient, rude, and amazing in the ring. Y/N hated him when they first met; sitting in his office while he talked down to her took ten years off her life, but it was oh-so-satisfying when she surprised him with the promise of information he couldn't risk turning down.

       Yoongi agreed to help track down her brother on the condition that Y/N would give him all of the information that she had discovered regarding the plan to murder him. Their business relationship started off rocky to say the least. Yoongi was abrasive and cruel--holding no regard for others and often pitting his fighters against each other, even outside the ring. He barely spoke ten words to Y/N in the entire first week she spent working in his office, and more than half of those were him snapping at her to not touch his belongings. She was certain that his temper would snap and he would kick her out before long, but it turns out that tracking down a missing person and trying to get a step ahead of murderers can really bring two people closer together. It wasn’t long after that first week that they formed an uneasy bond and Y/N went from hating every minute of Yoongi’s presence to tolerating their time together to no vaguely worrying about his safety ever since they split up earlier that evening.

       The morning started off like it always had for the past month and a half, with Y/N bringing in two coffees to Yoongi's office and settling in for the tedious work of pouring over fight records and betting receipts. However, this borderline clinical, monotonous routine was interrupted by an unexpected discovery early in the afternoon. The find took them out of the office and across the city to a series of small shops where they attempted to track down a ring owned by Y/N’s brother that had been pawned and resold several times a few days ago. The first few shops claimed that they had no record of any transactions matching the description, but the final shop confessed that the customer insisted that the records be destroyed, even offering him a cash bribe to do so. The owner admitted to lying to the customer and keeping the records intact; "he was a very suspicious man. I don't need to be bothered by the police for faulty records over such an insignificant item," the man had said when he showed them the receipt.

       The address on the credit card record led them to a building that appeared to be the headquarters of a pharmaceutical company, but a quick look around inside revealed it to be abandoned. Y/N had worried that this would be the dead end to their lucky break, but Yoongi surprised her by proving to be impressively talented at convincing people to help them. A quick trip to the post office--armed with shiny rings on their fourth fingers and a flimsy story about being newly engaged and in desperate need of the company’s new address in order to invite a few friends to the wedding--and suddenly they had a forwarding address and many well-wishes from the sympathetic man behind the counter.

       "Pretty stupid of them to leave behind a forwarding address if they're trying to stay hidden." Yoongi said when they left the post office. He returned Y/N's borrowed ring before opening the driver's side door of his car. With a new address in hand, they hoped to find a more solid lead at the end of this wild goose chase.

       Y/N responded with a shrug, "I guess even bad guys need to get their mail."

       The second address brought them to a house that looked just as run down as the first building, though this one showed signs of it on the exterior as well. Scaffolding framed the entire right side of the large brick home and the overgrown garden gave it just the right touch of 'dilapidated horror movie set' to raise goosebumps across Y/N's body.

       Being one of the most influential men in the city must make someone feel pretty invincible, because Yoongi appeared very unconcerned while breaking through the back door so they could "get a better look inside." The interior of the house was neater than the outside would suggest. It looked much closer to a family home than the possible center of operations for a group planning a murder and coup combo, though a few of the things left lying around hinted at the darker side of the house's occupants: a stray pair of clean surgical gloves left next to a suspiciously dark mechanic's rag; a loose floor board that Yoongi opened to reveal a staggering number of perfectly banded stacks of cash; dozens of unopened boxes of bullets. The quickly dying light of the sunset cast uneven slants of gold on the walls and floors, creating harsh shadows that gave the rooms an eerie but beautiful glow as Yoongi and Y/N hesitantly began their search.

       The first few rooms revealed nothing of interest, merely a scattering of takeout receipts and empty food containers to match. It wasn't until they reached the last room on the main floor that they actually made a promising find. A brand new, locked filing cabinet stood out among the otherwise antique and wooden furnishings of the room. Once again, Yoongi proved his usefulness by taking care of the lock. In just minutes they had access to exactly what they had been searching for this whole time--records of weapon transfers, blueprints for the building Yoongi's club operated out of, and even a copy of a report detailing Yoongi's every movement for the past two weeks.

       "These assholes have been watching me for weeks?" Yoongi asked, stunned. He didn't take the news of his stalker well. It took Y/N several minutes to calm him down enough to continue their search, but before they could get to the next cabinet drawer they were interrupted by the sound of the front door crashing open and the echoes of multiple voices down the hallway.

       "Shit." Yoongi immediately grabbed the papers Y/N had been holding and pushed her toward the heavy wooden wardrobe in the corner of the room. "You need to hide." He shut one of the doors even as she was still climbing in, leaving no room for interruption. “Do not leave until I come back."

       "Wait, what the fuck?" Y/N's protests were cut off when Yoongi shut the second door, plunging the wardrobe into darkness save for the small crack at the bottom where orange sunlight steadily leaked inside. "Yoongi! You can't just leave me here!"

       But Yoongi was already gone.

       And this is where Y/N is still hiding now. She’s debating between leaving to find Yoongi so she can kill him herself or waiting in hope that she isn't found until he returns.

       When Yoongi leaves Y/N in the wardrobe, he has a precious few seconds to find a way to circle around the intruders that had entered the house. A connecting door in one of the sitting rooms takes him right to the front of the house, where he’s able to tuck himself behind an open door. Not the most secure hiding place, but it does give him a nice view of the three people in the room across the hall.

       Three against one--it’s not the greatest odds, but Yoongi has had to deal with worse. Each intruder is holding a paper bag of what smells like food. Yoongi waits until two of them are distracted before he makes his move.

       The three of them put up a decent fight, but there is only so much they can do armed with just knives. They don't last long.

       Yoongi lets the last body fall to the ground, standing  to take in the carnage around him. It’s not his smoothest work, but it will do. Yoongi spots the color red in the peripheral of his vision and glances down at the blood soaking his now ripped dress shirt. His lips sink into a frown as he fingers the ruined material, but he doesn’t waste time on something that can be changed. He instead focuses on searching for some of the more subtle clues lying around the house that would be more...difficult to explain with Y/N hovering over his every move.

       A drawer on the second floor leads to the discovery of several blades set carefully next to a vial of Daffodil oil and a rag that reeks of the flower's extract. Another drawer holds over a dozen cases of bullets that smell strongly of the same scent. The heavy smell is dizzying, causing nausea to settle uncomfortably in Yoongi's stomach; his expression sours at the thought of the plans these people must have for such specialized equipment. A quick series of thumps coming from the main floor grabs his attention away from the weapons.

       When Yoongi reaches the bottom of the stairs, he realizes that the sounds are coming from the wardrobe where Y/N is still locked inside. He approaches quietly, attempting to wipe most of the blood covering his hands onto his pants before pulling the key from his pocket to unlock the doors.

       "You fucking locked me inside?" Y/N bites out, wasting no time in exiting the wardrobe to glare at Yoongi.

       "Just in case you tried to do something stupid like leave before I came back." Yoongi says it simply and drops the key to the ground without a second glance before walking toward the exit.

       Y/N doesn't have a chance to tell him off before she notices the blood soaking his clothing, causing her to pause mid-step and stare. "Holy shit. Are you alright?"

       Yoongi waves her concern away without turning, "Most of it isn't mine. I ran into the people who came into the house and they weren't exactly happy to see me."

       "Most of it," she echoes, "are you hurt?" Y/N follows Yoongi to the door and starts grabbing at his arms to check for injuries. Yoongi takes a sharp breath when her fingers graze one of the deeper gashes on his forearm; he glares before knocking her hand away.

       "I'm fine."

       Y/N frowns at the dismissal and eyes the wound, but she has known Yoongi long enough to recognize when he doesn’t want to talk about something. "What happened with the people who came in? Did you just run away or-" before she can finish the thought, the door in front of them opens.

       A woman steps through. The stranger looks just as shocked to see them as they are her, but recovers much faster. She has a knife in her hands before Y/N can blink. Yoongi is faster; he dodges the blade expertly while exchanging blows with the woman, but the knife grazes his chest after a misstep on his part and he hisses--though he seems more annoyed by the weapon in the woman's hands than concerned about the injury that is now steadily bleeding.

       "I see you came better prepared than the others." Yoongi ducks under another swing and uses the lower vantage point to grab the woman by the waist and knock her to the ground. He moves just as quickly as before, but his breathing is labored now as he wrestles the woman for the knife. When the blade finally goes skidding across the floor, Y/N snaps out of the daze she had fallen into at sight of the sudden violence and rushes to snatch up the weapon. She tries to ignore the slick blood coating the hilt and instead wonders what could be the source of the strong heady scent wafting from the blade itself.

       While Y/N is preoccupied with the knife, the woman manages to escape Yoongi's hold and launches herself at Y/N with a second one. Too shocked to act on anything more than instinct, Y/N jumps back just in time to avoid a serious wound and is instead left with a shallow cut across her cheek. Before the stinging pain can even register, the woman is coming for a second attack, but this time Yoongi is there. The time it takes to shove Y/N out of the way leaves no time for Yoongi himself to dodge and the woman’s blade sinks into his side. Y/N watches in horror as even more blood spills onto Yoongi's already darkened shirt. She yells his name, but he is too busy gasping for breath to register the sound.

       Fearing that the woman will catch Yoongi by surprise while he recovers from the blow, Y/N reaches for one of the lamps on a nearby desk and holds it up with shaking arms. Her resolve almost falters until she catches a subtle nod from Yoongi. When the lamp shatters against the woman's skull it creates a sickening thud that Y/N feels all the way down the length of her arms. The woman falls limp to the ground.

       The remains of the lamp fall from Y/N's grasp to the ground. She lets out a shaky breath and turns to ask if Yoongi is alright, but he is already moving. His eyes, unusually wide and dark, are locked on the unconscious body at their feet. It could be the shadows or the blood loss, but the skin under his eyes is so dark it looks badly bruised. Not understanding what he is going to do, Y/N simply watches as Yoongi picks up one of the knives that had fallen to the floor during their altercation. It isn't until he moves to stand over the woman that a cold, heavy realization hits Y/N.

       "Wait!" She jumps forward to grab Yoongi's raised arm before he can strike, "You can't just kill someone! She's already unconscious. Let's just get out of here."

       Yoongi falters. His eyes fall to Y/N's hands on his arm before turning back to the body. He frowns, but lowers his arm.

       "If you insist." He drops the knife, "I have everything I need. Let's go."

       "Yoongi, you just got stabbed." Y/N grabs at him again when he tries to walk away. "Don't you need to sit for a second? Should I call an ambulance?"

       Yoongi rolls his eyes at her concern. "It isn't as bad as it looks."

       "Bullshit. You're bleeding everywhere and I saw the knife go into your side." Y/N stares pointedly at his shirt, which is dripping crimson on the floor.

       "The blood must mostly be hers. Look." He lifts his shirt to reveal what should be a deep stab wound, but is instead a relatively shallow slice that has already stopped bleeding.

       "What the hell?" Y/N steps closer, "I swear I saw the knife go all the way in."

       "Must have been a trick of the light." Yoongi is unconcerned with the disbelieving look on Y/N's face. He walks out the door without checking to see if she will follow.

       "But still, those aren't little wounds. You need stitches at the very least." Y/N nearly trips over an abandoned takeout bag in the middle of the hallway in her rush to catch up.

       "I'm telling you; I'm fine. I've had my fair share of cuts and scrapes. Believe me when I say these don't need stitches." He stops without warning to wave a manila folder in her face. "Besides, we have plenty of information to follow up on now and I want to get it back to my office immediately."

       Y/N grumbles at his lack of concern for his own well-being, but drops the issue. She quietly follows him to the car.

       The drive is tense. Y/N sits carefully in an unsuccessful attempt to keep her bloody clothing from staining the seats of Yoongi's expensive car, but Yoongi himself seems unconcerned about the mess. The night rushes by in a inky blur, lit only by the occasional streetlight for what feels like hours until they hit the city.

       It isn't until they’re stopped at a particularly long red light that Yoongi breaks the silence.

       "Go ahead."

       Y/N pulls herself away from the window to give Yoongi a look. "What?"

       "You obviously have something on your mind." He pauses to turn left when the light goes green. "Go ahead and talk about it."

       Y/N stays silent for a moment and watches every new light they pass under turn Yoongi a different shade of blue, red or green. She lowers her gaze to the dried blood on her hands. "I was just thinking about what happened back there. I mean...you were going to kill that woman."

       Yoongi's eyes stay on the road, but his grip on the wheel tightens. "She was trying to kill us first. Was I supposed to just stand there?"

       “Well, no.” Y/N frowns, “I understand that she was the one coming at us, but we were able to take care of it without killing her. It’s just--you seemed so calm, I guess. Even now, when you’re bleeding all over the place and just stabbed someone, you’re driving like nothing happened. I know you’re used to this as a--a fighter, or something, but fuck if I am.”

       They reach another red light. Yoongi takes the opportunity to stare out his window and watch a laughing group of people leave a bar they’re stopped beside. "It's not exactly my first time in a fight like that. I've got practice staying calm under my belt."

       The light turns green. The car lurches forward. Y/N says nothing.

       It's easy to forget who Yoongi is when he dresses in nice suits and wears glasses that slip down his nose while he does paperwork. Y/N almost didn't believe the violent rumors swirling around the city about him when they first met, because Yoongi--with his fancy cars, blunt manner of speaking, and self-righteous attitude--seemed no different than the other spoiled rich kids turned adult that she had met in the past, even if he did have a sadistic streak.

       That all changed when she saw him fight for the first time. Something changes when Yoongi steps into the ring: his eyes darken and his entire demeanor shifts into something that doesn't feel totally human. He has never lost a fight, and the two times Y/N has witnessed him win, the scene has been exactly the same: his opponent lying unconscious at his feet and his face splattered with their blood. The most chilling part comes when his arm is held high above his head to signal his victory--there is no victorious smile, no smirk, just a wild, wide-eyed look into the crowd as if searching for someone to be next.

       After that, the rumors of the vicious man who ran the most violent operation outside of the mafia didn't seem so far fetched--Y/N just forgets until something like tonight reminds her.

       Yoongi can't blame Y/N for her silence. She doesn't seem like the type that has witnessed a lot of violence in her life, so tonight must have come as a shock--and she doesn't even know that he killed the others. Unfortunately, he isn't well equipped to handle delicate feelings like shock, so he tries to think about what they would be doing if this was one of the action movies that are always playing in the club lobby. He almost laughs out loud at the first idea that comes to mind, but decides it can't hurt. He just hopes that Y/N is too lost in thought to notice when they drive way past their exit.

       He waits until they're less than ten minutes away from the place he has in mind before he opens his mouth. “Hey--um, you hungry?”

       The friendly words feel awkward on his tongue. Y/N must notice, judging by the 'did you hit your head?' look she gives him.

       "I am" she says, her eyes returning to the dark buildings surrounding them, "but I'm not sure there's a whole lot open at one in the morning."

       "I actually know a place." Y/N raises a brow at the statement, but laughs and agrees anyway. Yoongi is shocked at how well his imagined movie plot is applying to real life.

       Things are quiet again until they pull up to a small diner with a glaring red neon sign declaring that it is open twenty-four hours. The faded checkered floors and tarnished chrome accents portray a fifties feel that Y/N isn’t entirely sure is planned.

       Y/N is pleasantly surprised by Yoongi's choice in venue and gives him the same, astonished look from before. Under the weight of her questioning stare, Yoongi just shrugs. "I used to live around here and I tend to have a lot of late nights. This place has become a favorite of mine over the years."

       For some reason the fact that even someone like Yoongi has a favorite restaurant--and the fact that it's such a modest diner--makes Y/N smile.

       “What’s with the smile?” Yoongi asks.

       Y/N just shakes her head. "It's nothing, but we do have a bit of an issue." Yoongi’s head cocks to the side in question and she nods at his destroyed clothes. "We might draw just a little bit of attention if we walk in there like this."

       Shutting off the ignition, Yoongi settles back into his seat for a moment in thought before reaching down to fiddle with something beside his seat. The unexpected sound of the trunk unlocking makes Y/N jump. She tries to calm her erratic heartbeat while Yoongi exits and walks around to the back of the car. A few seconds later he returns with a large duffel bag in hand. He leans his hip against the open car door while searching through the bag, then promptly pulls a few pieces of fabric out before dropping the bag in his seat.

       "My gym clothes," he explains before tossing something gray at her face. "Might not smell the greatest, but it’s better than being covered in blood. He carries his own clothing around to the back of the car, Y/N following his reflection in the rear view mirror blindly until he pulls his shirt off in a single motion. It suddenly becomes very obvious that Yoongi intends to strip down in the middle of the parking lot.

       Not wanting to intrude on his privacy, she returns her attention to the garment in her hands--a simple sweatshirt bearing the Chicago Cubs logo across the front. The well-worn cotton is incredibly soft against her skin and a welcome contrast from the cold, sticky mess that her own shirt has become.

       She is in the process of wadding up her soiled shirt and tossing it to the floor board when Yoongi returns, once again leaning his hip against the door. For a moment, Y/N thinks that a stranger wandered up to the car because of how different Yoongi looks in sweatpants and a faded band t-shirt, even if the ensemble doesn’t stray from his usual black theme. He even has his hair pulled back under a black baseball cap to hide the dried blood caked onto his fringe.

       Y/N has only ever seen Yoongi in his immaculate business suits, so seeing him like this...He looks younger, normal. It's even harder to imagine him as the criminal that he is.

       "Yoongi; how old are you?" It isn't the question that she meant to ask, but suddenly she has a desire to know. Even with all of the time they have spent together, she has never thought to ask his age.

       Yoongi's lips twitch upward on one side before he answers, and it is the closest thing Y/N has seen to a smile from him. "Twenty-four." He watches Y/N's reaction with amusement on his face, but there is something else in his eyes that she can't read. "Surprised?"

       She hesitates, "No, not exactly." She tilts her head, studying him. "I knew you couldn't be much older than that, but it seems odd that someone so young is already in charge of...such an interesting business. Especially if the rumor that you've only been in the city for a few years is true."

       His eyes narrow ever so slightly. "I've been wondering for a while now if you had heard any rumors about me before you came barging into my office that first night. I guess this answers that question." He shifts to lean more heavily on the car door and folds his arms across his chest. "It's true that I've only been living in Chicago for a few years, but this is far from my first time coming to the city. During my visits in the past I made some valuable contacts that came in handy when I entered the fighting scene.” He shrugs. “Maybe that's the reason for my quick success."

       The explanation comes as a surprise to Y/N and a meek "Oh" is all she can manage. Yoongi has never shared so much about himself with her before.

       "Ready to go in?" Yoongi asks. He shuts the door and walks away before she can answer.

       Y/N scrambles to follow after him, but she finds that he is waiting outside the front doors for her. As she walks into the light coming from above the entrance, he takes in her appearance and gives a small frown.

       Y/N glances down and starts to inspect her clothing. "What, did I miss some of the blood?"

       Yoongi stops her by stepping forward and tilting her face up with a few fingertips on her jaw. "No, I just didn't realize you had been cut." Y/N is frozen, not even breathing as Yoongi examines the slice on her cheek with unreadable eyes. The pad of his thumb ghosts over the already scabbing wound. "It's shallow, and if you keep it moisturized it shouldn't scar." With that, Yoongi steps away and enters the restaurant.

       The waitress who seats them is uncharacteristically cheery for someone working the graveyard shift, and urges them to stay for as long as they like. She gives the cut on Y/N's face an odd look the first few times she passes by and dotes on Yoongi so often that he starts rolling his eyes behind her back. Around the sixth time this happens, Yoongi sends a pleading look to Y/N over the woman's back as she leans dramatically in front of Yoongi to refill his water that he hadn't even sipped from in the first place. Y/N takes a long sip from her drink and raises an eyebrow at him over her glass, her enjoyment of the situation evident in her eyes. Yoongi flips her an insulting finger in response and Y/N has to cover her snort and consequent laughter with a coughing fit.

       "Oh my, can I get you some water, dear?" The attention of the waitress is finally off of Yoongi and he sags with visible relief.

       "You know, I actually feel a bit of a sore throat coming on." Y/N throws in a painful sounding cough for good measure, "May I have some tea, please?"

       "Of course! You poor dear!" The waitress brings a hand to her chest, "Give me just a few minutes."

       "Thank you so much." Y/N continues with her over exaggerated coughing until the woman passes through the kitchen doors.

       Yoongi pinches the bridge of his nose, his eyes closed. "Holy shit."

       Y/N makes no attempt to hide her laughter, "I think you have an admirer."

       "This waitress has served me before and she always flirts a little, but she has never been like this."

       "Let me take a wild guess: you've never brought anyone to eat with you before, have you?" Y/N waves a hand in her face trying to calm herself after laughing so hard.

       A look of confusion furrows Yoongi's brow, "No, now that you mention it, I haven't."

       Y/N responds with a raised brow and a pointed look; it takes a few seconds, but then Yoongi tilts his head, looking amused. "You think she's jealous? The woman doesn't even know me."

       "I can't say for sure," Y/N shrugs, "but it sure looks like jealousy to me." She then stands and spins her menu in Yoongi's direction. "I have to use the restroom, will you order this for me?" She is already walking away before he can even think to respond.

       He watches her make her way through the isles and shakes his head, a wry smile forming. He sometimes thinks he bit off more than he can chew by agreeing to work with this woman. If her information wasn't so important he never would have considered such an arrangement, but--despite all the hassle--he finds himself enjoying the strange change of pace she has brought into his life. The excitement of running his club and fighting humans lost its novelty a long time ago; playing detective and running around the city with Y/N broke the dangerous monotony his life had fallen into.

       Yoongi’s thoughts are interrupted by the return of the waitress and she launches back into her act of trying to catch his attention, though it seems less intense in light of Y/N’s absence and he manages to order their food with relative ease.

       Upon returning to the table, Y/N finds that her tea has been delivered and Yoongi is absentmindedly tapping away at his phone, only looking up when she takes a seat.

       "What are you d-" Y/N's question is interrupted by the arrival of their food and another amusing display from their waitress. The smell has Y/N's stomach rumbling; she hadn't realized how long it had been since her last meal and digs in immediately.

       "I hope you don't mind, but I just have to say that you two make an adorable couple!" The waitress is very obviously faking the sincerity in her voice, but Y/N smiles indulgently. "How long have you two been together?"

       "Oh, we're not-" Y/N begins to explain, but Yoongi interrupts.

       "It’ll be one year in July," Yoongi says, flashing Y/N a startlingly convincing loving look.

       The waitress obviously hadn't been expecting this answer and her eyes darken momentarily before the false cheer can cover it up. "Oh, how lovely!" She places extra napkins on the table and makes a quick exit, "If you two need anything just shout! I'll be in the kitchen."

       "Um, what the fuck was that?" Y/N levels a narrowed glare at Yoongi.

       "Oh come on, you have to admit the look on her face was worth it." Yoongi butters his toast, unconcerned. "Besides, maybe now she'll leave me the hell alone."

       Y/N sighs, "Fine." She raises her water glass, "A toast, to our almost one year anniversary."

       Yoongi smirks and raises his own glass. "Cheers."

       The rest of the night passes quickly. Y/N learns that Yoongi enjoys music and sports and his story about how he came to own the cubs sweatshirt she's wearing leaves her in tears from laughing. In return, Y/N shares that she also enjoys music and that she normally works as an elementary school teacher, but has taken an extended leave to search for her brother.

       "What's with that look?" Y/N huffs at Yoongi's raised brows.

       "Nothing, you just don't seem like the teaching type." Yoongi takes a sip of his third glass of water. The two of them have been talking for well over two hours now, but neither of them have felt particularly inclined to call the waitress over to clear their empty plates.

       Y/N scoffs, "And what is that supposed to mean? I'll have you know that my kids love me."

       "I'm sure they do." His eyes shine with amusement, "It's just that you swear an awful lot for someone meant to be instilling proper morals into America's youth. Aren't teachers supposed to be patient and sweet?"

       Y/N answers with her middle finger raised. "Fuck you, Yoongi."

       They both burst into laughter, and Y/N marvels at the sound of Yoongi's reserved chuckle. The hardened man she has spent weeks working beside seems a million miles away and she can't help but think that Yoongi wouldn't be all that bad if he smiled a little more. Though--not even seconds later--Yoongi stops suddenly and grabs at his side, looking pained.

       "Is your injury bothering you?" Y/N peeks over the side of the table like it will help her see what's causing him pain, but Yoongi just shakes his head.

       "No, it isn't that. I’m not sure what it is, but it hurts like a son of a bitch." He continues to rub at the area for a few moments before shaking his head, "It's gone now, but that was weird."

       Y/N moves to stand, "Do you want to go? We should both get some rest."

       He nods, but seems unfocused. "Yeah."

       The drive home is even less talkative than the ride there, but now the silence is comfortable and filled in by the radio. The first actual words come when they are just minutes away from Y/N's apartment.

       "Oh." Y/N doesn't mean to make the sound, but she rolls with it and continues her thought out loud. "I can't believe I just remembered this, but wasn’t there a group of people that came into the house earlier? You never explained how you got away from them to come get me." She shifts in her seat so she can read Yoongi's expression. He looks tense and reluctant to speak, a rare sight considering Yoongi is always so blunt with his words. She frowns, "I already saw you fight and almost kill someone tonight. I think I can handle hearing about the rest."

       "I wouldn't be so sure about that." Yoongi's voice is barely audible over the music so Y/N reaches for the knob and turns it down to a soft murmur in the background.

       "Come on, Yoongi, I'm too tired to drag it out of you."

       "If you insist." The tendons in his jaw flex as his grip tightens on the wheel. There’s no preamble as he admits, "I killed them."

       This isn't the answer Y/N was expecting and she doesn't process it at first. "You—you what?"

       He glances away from the road to look her in the eyes. His voice is low and even, "I killed them, Y/N." He catches her horrified look just before he returns his eyes to the road. "Don't act so shocked. I know we just had a cute heart to heart, but don't forget who I am." His turns around the corners get a little sharper as do his words. "This isn't a fairy tale story. I won't have a sudden change of heart just because a beautiful woman walked into my life. They attacked me, so I fought back. I knew they wouldn't stop until one of us was dead, so I made sure that wasn't me. Simple as that."

       "Simple?" Y/N's voice catches on the word and she feels sick to her stomach, "Yoongi, how the hell can you be so okay with taking lives like that?" A tightness in her throat stops her from saying more, but she moves to the edge of her seat to get closer to the window, to get farther from Yoongi.

       "Because I don't go by the same set of morals as you, Y/N. I left those behind a long time ago." He releases a deep sigh and his fingers start to tap an impatient rhythm on the steering wheel. "Look, I know the thought is upsetting to you, but it really was in self defense." The words are true in this case, but his memories turn to all the deaths where the same couldn't be said.

       "That may be the case, but you shouldn't be so casual about all of this!" Y/N doesn't realize she is shouting until she is faced with the suffocating silence that follows her outburst--even the radio has stopped playing.

       Yoongi is quiet for a long time after that. He doesn’t see the point in arguing about his nature and other things he can’t properly explain to her. He doesn't speak again until they pull up to her building, and neither of them move once the car is stopped.

       "I don't have any excuses to give you to make you feel better." Yoongi turns in his seat to fully face her. "I don't regret it. Maybe I am too calm about it, but when you live a life like mine, death stops feeling so monumental."

       Instead of replying, Y/N simply exits the car, hesitating for only a moment to say, "Don't expect me to be in your office tomorrow. I need time to think." before walking into her apartment building without a backwards glance.

A/N *This fic was written as part of a collaboration in celebration of Bangtan’s 4th anniversary and you can check out the other fics here. There will be roughly three parts to this story and I plan to update once every 1-2 days! Thank you for reading and feedback is very welcome ^.^ Happy festa~♥*

And I have to give a HUGE thank you to Lu and Ben (@nottodayjeon and @daeguk) for helping me brainstorm and edit this fic!!*

Masterlist | Mobile Masterlist

[hextual]

Podcast Recs

The following recs/summaries may contain light-to-moderate spoilers, though I try to keep things vague and rot13 the more specific stuff! Here is an abbreviated spoiler-free rec list, for the sensitive among you.

Night Vale Presents

The three non-WTNV shows have all finished their first seasons (and Alice Isn't Dead just started its second). They're relatively short and contain complete story arcs. 

WTNV: The ur-podcast, the light horror fiction narrative that kicked off the trend. Y'all know it or you don't. If you've somehow never heard it and don't want to start from the pilot, I recommend trying Episode 13; it's a stand-alone episode in a slightly different format than the rest, but it gives a good sense of WTNV's general aesthetic. Also it's just really really good.

Alice Isn't Dead: A surrealist horror roadtrip about a trucker searching for her wife Alice, who isn't dead. She's got nothing to lose and a lot of dangerous road to cover.

Orbiting Human Circus: Bizarre and magical and a little bit heartbreaking, like all good circuses should be. Julian is the janitor of a heavily fictionalized Eiffel Tower, and he desperately wants to be part of the Orbiting Human Circus show that he cleans up after every night.

Within the Wires: Dystopian sci-fi 1980s AU, told through a series of 'relaxation' cassettes. More grounded in reality than the others, though that's not saying much. The medium is also foregrounded much more in the narrative.

Hiatus

Wolf 359: SUPER dark, though you wouldn't know it from the first dozen episodes. However, the inflicting-trauma to coping-with-trauma ratio is low enough that I listened to the whole thing and will almost definitely listen to Season 4 when it's released starting this June. Also, no queerness whatsoever (making it unique on this list).  

Eos 10: Spaceship sitcom. Less artistically ambitious than most of the others on this list, which is not necessarily a point against it. 

Airing

The Strange Case of Starship Iris: Newer sci-fi podcast that I absolutely love; it ticks all my very specific boxes (including medium-as-message) and is also just really well constructed and executed. I adore every single one of the main characters. There are only 4 episodes but I'm so hyped about it. 

The Bright Sessions: Audio files from a therapist to teens and young adults with superpowers. Everything I ever wanted X-Men to be: light on the fight scenes/explosions, heavy on exploring what it means to have superhuman powers and how that might affect your life/relationships.

The Penumbra Podcast: Cyberpunk noir pastiche that sometimes gets a little too broad for me but is generally good fun of the Thrilling Tales! variety.

Ars Paradoxica: Time travel in one of its more complex interpretations. Paradox is a major plot element. Kind of sci-fi historical fiction?

Now for the more detailed writeups, including overviews of queerness and genre. As I said before, potential spoilers are rot13′d...but Here There Be Dragons etc.

Night Vale Presents

All of these are incredibly solid shows with an otherworldly feel to them that I love, despite being otherwise quite different.

All main characters are queer; WTNV has queer side characters (including nonbinary characters), but afaik the only other explicitly queer characters in AID/ORC/WTW are love interests of the MCs. That's pretty understandable, though, given that the casts of the three non-WTNV shows are exponentially smaller, and they've aired significantly fewer episodes.

I want to mention something in a totally value-neutral way: none of the shows feature homophobia or directly discuss queerness (lowkey exception for one episode of WTNV). I actually enjoy that, personally; it's usually very restful to spend time in worlds where queerness is normalized and unremarkable. Occasionally, however, I do want a slightly more direct approach, so I wanted to make a note in case you're in that kind of mood. 

Welcome to Night Vale The first and only podcast I listened to for about a year. Honestly, do I even need to say anything about WTNV?  I do want to mention that I think it's gotten a little bogged down in continuity over the last year. AFAIK it wasn't conceived as a long-running narrative arc, and a lot of its early charm came from the total lack of context. After Year 2, I feel like it did start spending a little too much time explaining things and filling out backstory for elements that, frankly, didn't need them. YMMV ofc, and I still listen to/enjoy every new episode, but I'm not madly in love with Year 3 the way I was with Year 1-2. Queerness: Queer af! The main character gets a full same-sex romance arc; V'q pnyy vg 'unccl-raqvat' ohg vg'f fgvyy batbvat nf n ybivat naq urnygul eryngvbafuvc, juvpu vf rira orggre. Multiple side characters are queer, including a few nonbinary characters who use they/them pronouns.  Genre: tucking into a short stack at 2am in a diner in the American Southwest, slowly realizing that the woman behind the counter called you by name even though you've never been here before, and also you can't quite remember how you got here in the first place. Alice Isn't Dead Beautiful, creepy, and acted by the brilliant Jasika Nicole. I'd place this more firmly in the horror genre than the others, so if you're sensitive to that kind of thing, take note; there's some suspense and a little bit of violence. That said, I am usually MASSIVELY sensitive and can't even watch trailers for horror movies (I have made my peace with never ever seeing Get Out), and I was perfectly fine with it. Queerness: The main character is a woman married to Alice, who isn't dead. It's like the opposite of the Bury Your Gays trope. Genre: driving along a nameless interstate late at night, the world around you narrowed to the section of road thrown into sharp relief by your headlights, and the occasional glint of animal eyes. The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air ORC is the most fanciful of the Night Vale family. The other shows seem like they take place in realities just a shade off from ours, but ORC completely throws any pretense of realism out the window. There's no real sense of a world outside the Circus, and why should there be? The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air has an infinitude of fantastical delights: singing saws, a bird that can mimic (almost) a full orchestra, tap-dancing mice. There's no trick or sleight of hand involved, not even a dusty tome of magic spells. ORC simply presents a world in which these wonders exist in hidden corners. The story is sometimes melancholy, and there are regular hints of a deep sadness underneath the surface, but the main character is defined by his determination and...well, 'optimism' would be too strong a word, but he has an unyielding sense of hope. He doesn't actually think things will turn out well for him (and he's so often right about that), but he clings to the hope that this time, maybe it might. Queerness: Gur znva punenpgre nyyhqrf gb na rk-oblsevraq bapr. This is one of the lighter touches of queerness in the Night Vale family. Genre: peering through a dusty velvet curtain just offstage, while brightly-costumed creatures dance to a tune you haven't heard since you were a child. Within the Wires While all Night Vale Presents shows have some kind of narrative conceit framing the audio medium (community radio station, trucker radio transmissions, broadcast wish fulfillment), those tend to be vehicles for the story and stylistic flourishes, rather than core elements of the story itself. WtW is presented as audio cassettes on full-body relaxation, and the cassettes themselves become key actors. This is not a story that could be told in any other medium, which personally I freaking love. This is also a more sci-fi show than the others, despite being set in AU 1980s, and more blatantly dystopic. The world-building's a little more evident, which is neither a good thing nor a bad thing; I think it's a side effect of being more sci-fi than fantasy. Everything feels like it has an explanation, even if the explanation is not provided, and it all fits together smoothly. Also: the narrator has a mild kiwi accent, which I find incredibly soothing. Queerness: Yep. Gur znva punenpgre unf n pbzcyvpngrq ohg qrpvqrqyl abg cyngbavp (s/s) eryngvbafuvc jvgu gur jbzna gur gncrf ner vagraqrq sbe.  Genre: lying quietly in a sensory isolation tank until you inexplicably start crying for the first time in years.

On hiatus

Wolf 359 So, there are a couple voice actors in Wolf 359 that don't do a whole lot for me, performance-wise. I don't want to get more specific because YMMV and I'm also just a really picky audio consumer, but there you have it. Mostly it's not an issue, though. This is also one of the darker shows I listen to, although it starts out with more of a zany sitcom vibe. There's a fair amount of murder, murder attempts, and general people-being-horrible-in-ways-they-believe-to-be-justified. It's not something I think I could sit through again, but it is a captivating story told well. There's a lot of focus on the emotional arcs and characters dealing with trauma, which I am All About in sci-fi. 

Queerness: zero. Zip. Zilch. It doesn't feature any romance arcs at all, though, so...I found it tolerable. Honestly, if it hadn't come so highly recommended, I probably would not have given it a shot. Genre: placing your hand on a rusty, unmarked door that wasn't in the ship schematics, and knowing you must step through—you must step through. Eos 10 After my first pass at this write-up, I realized that I was being really negative—far more negative than this show deserves. So I want to be clear: I listened to and enjoyed every extant episode of Eos 10, and I'm looking forward to Season 3, whenever it's released. It's a pleasantly entertaining space sitcom and I've gotten attached to the characters; the writing's solid and the voice acting is generally pretty great. It's just not quite tailored to my specific tastes. Ok, back to what I originally wrote: This podcast feels a lot more mainstream/conventional in its tropes than the others. Unlike most of the podcasts I listen to, the medium is invisible to the characters: it's not pitched as a radio show or a voice recorder or a series of motivational tapes. To me, this adds another layer of remove between the audience and the story. It's fine, it's just very straightforward in its presentation, with no medium-specific conceit or anything. It’s not really outsider art in any sense, and could legitimately be a TV show if it had the budget. That's a pretty good description of the show as a whole, honestly. It makes no pretense at being high-concept, it just does what it does. Queerness: This one...is not very queer. One of the side characters is gay but it doesn't really come up a lot. There's also a gay minor character that gets mentioned but never appears, and it's kind of a running gag that the gay character has a thing for the main character, who insists he's straight. It's a gross trope and I kind of winced at it, but it's usually framed by other characters as "are you sure you're not interested, because [gay character] is way out of your league and you're really not going to do better," which mitigates it somewhat for me? Also, gurer ner uvagf gung gur znva punenpgre zvtug npghnyyl or vagrerfgrq va gur tnl punenpgre, but only time will tell whether it's queerbaiting or not. Look, it's not an ideal situation. If it’s a dealbreaker, I totally understand, especially since there's no clear answer to the "is this queerbaiting" question and due to some unfortunate creator health issues, we might not get one for a while. Genre: ducking out of the way as a harried-looking man in a lab coat and stethoscope pelts down the hallway, yelling "GET ME FIVE UNITS OF ALIEN SEX POLLEN, STAT!"

Airing

The Strange Case of Starship Iris

I love this show a disproportionate amount, given that only four episodes have aired. This is a newer podcast, and one I stumbled on completely by accident! I wasn't expecting much, but it was sci-fi and the main character's last name was Liu, so I decided to give it a shot. And then it turned out to be not only awesome but also totally queer! I think I actually said "HAH! YES!" out loud when the queerness was canonized within the first few minutes. (This is why I live alone.) Plus, this is a small thing from a throwaway line, but...the main character weighs roughly the same amount as I do. Do you know how often that happens with Asian characters? Never, is how often. For possibly the first time in my life, I feel like I can legitimately headcanon a main character who looks exactly like me. I'm definitely going to do some incredibly self-indulgent fanart at some point. Unprecedented overidentifying with the main character aside: honestly, it's like this podcast was tailor-made for me. MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 1 (and kind of 2): Vafrpher ovbybtvfg wbvaf ent-gnt perj bs fzhttyref jvgu n sbhaq-snzvyl ivor naq nyvra phygheny pynfurf, nyy senzrq va n fvavfgre zrgnaneengvir gung hfrf gur zrqvhz nf n cybg qrivpr, CYHF cbgragvny ebznapr orgjrra na Rnfg Nfvna jbzna naq n Fbhgu Nfvna jbzna? Um, sign me the fuck up.  The only downside is that this has definitely raised my expectations for new podcasts by an unreasonable amount. Every new podcast I've tried since Starship Iris has been vaguely disappointing. My podcast standards are way too high now, and it's all Starship Iris's fault.

Queerness: YES. The main character is a queer woman, there's a nonbinary alien species and the alien crew member uses they/them pronouns, and there's a trans guy. Also, this is wild speculation, but V guvax/oryvrir/ubcr gung bar bs gur bgure srznyr perj zrzoref vf orvat frg hc nf n ebznagvp vagrerfg sbe gur znva punenpgre. There's some explicit discussion of gender identity in a non-traumatic way which tbh is like water in the freaking desert.

Genre: ??? it's too new and I love it too much to assign it a genre. 

The Bright Sessions

As I said in the spoiler-free summary: this is everything I wanted X-Men to be. Hell, it's everything I ever want superhero stories to be, and it's why I've been drawn to superhero stories since I was a teenager. The Bright Sessions deals with the complex consequences of, e.g., having empathy powers as a teenager while learning how to manage your own emotions and maturity. The main character is Dr. Bright, a therapist specializing in people with superpowers, which naturally provides the perfect angle for those people to get really navel-gazey about their lives. There is an actual overarching plot with a shadowy government agency, of course, but that's definitely not what I'm here for and luckily that’s clearly just a vehicle for the feelings.

Queerness: One of the main characters has a m/m romance arc; another main character is asexual; a side character (who may soon be considered a main character?) is bisexual. Because the conceit is therapy sessions, Dr. Bright does inquire delicately about how her patients may or may not be coping with emerging/existing queer identities, but none of them find it traumatic.

Genre: telekinetically fiddling with a desk puzzle limned in afternoon sun, as the doctor asks: "And how does that make you feel?"

The Penumbra Podcast

I'd had the Penumbra Podcast on my radar/subscriptions list for a while, but I'd never quite finished the first episode...until the remastered/rewritten first story was released. The difference is astronomical. The creators talk about audio quality etc. in their reasoning for recreating the first story, but for me, the main distinction is the skill in storytelling and the confidence to create noir without relying on questionable tropes to signal "hard-boiled!!!" I sometimes think the writing and characterizations are a little broad, but that may be down to genre. Penumbra doesn't really go for 'subtle' or 'realistic.' An important format note: there's a main character with episodic adventures, but in between the two-part adventures, there are one-shots in various genres. I actually skipped most of the one-shots because I'm not great with horror or kid stories.

Queerness: The main character of the main story is queer (jvgu na qryvtugshyyl rzbgvbanyyl pbafgvcngrq z/z ebznapr nep gung'f abg va n terng cynpr evtug abj), as are numerous side characters. It's a noir pastiche, though, so the main character is pretty self-sabotaging in all areas of his life; a 'happy ending' doesn't seem incredibly likely. One of the stand-alone stories is a queer Western, which I found delightful. It's also one of the few stand-alone stories that has a bonus follow-up episode.

Genre: taking a long, slow drag on a cigarette as the rain blurs the neon lights and filth of the alien city below.

Ars Paradoxica

Ars Paradoxica shares a producer with The Bright Sessions, which is why I tried it! Like all decent time travel stories, Ars Paradoxica is meticulously planned with a lot of moving parts. The worldbuilding is intense and requires actually paying attention, which can be challenging for me since I typically listen to podcasts while multitasking.  Frankly, it moves a little slow for me...which is odd to say about a show that regularly has timeskips of months or years and literally involves time travel. I guess I feel that way because there's a lot of attention paid to the action and plot, but less to the emotional character arcs. And obviously my narrative preferences run a certain way, so I'm only really paying attention to the character stuff. Which, to be fair, certainly exists and is carried through well—it's just not in my preferred proportions. Plus, the cast is quite sprawling compared to most other podcasts, and the tone is almost Crapsack World but not quite. 

Queerness: The main character is explicitly asexual and briefly explains it, and there are a handful of queer side characters. It's semi-historical, and there's some discussion of managing visibility etc. 

Genre: staring into the dusty gears of a massive clock running backwards as the minute hand slowly approaches a blinking red light.

[shortywiththebuttons]

This bouta be one long ass typo filled vent.

First and and foremost I just added HELLA people specifically People from my African diaspora on this. I’ve had it since high school so 2010 I’m in University now . nice to meet you all 🤷🏿‍♀️✊🏿😝 my name is Ro . I’m super open to conversation questions whatever.

I added mad people because I organize ,politically im no pro or anything,I don’t even know what I’m doing 1/2 the time I just do what’s in my heart and he’ll I guess every small step I make makes a difference.

I’m currently in the process of getting a sexual assault resource center built in Isla Vista California which is an unincorporated area behind the University of California Santa Barbara ...I want all contractors to be from marganilized backgrounds and ultimately I’m gonna have this project be a community collective.itll be a long term project and it’s currently in the beginning stages and the meetings are going well but given I attend a PWI I’d like outside support and more energy from my people to continuously push for this to be created . Scrolling my page you’ll kinda see the shit I’ve been dealing with and where this comes from. However I’m currently slowing down THIS video BELOW ...making it onger and more detailed

https://youtu.be/c-yKepzDwzY

But editing is depressing triggering and frustrating and I’m on some Kevin gates Aint shit gone make me sad today type stuff so it’s not going well. I currently just need to add audio to the lengthened version and I’ll be fine to share it.. But audio means watching it and choosing a song and perfect timing so yeah...I hate reliving the stuff .but eh I hope you like the video I’ll post the update ASAP . I actually move out of CA soon APRIL so it’ll be before I leave to embark on this random traveling experience I have planned 👌🏿🙆🏿‍♀️

My main goal socially is to be as real and open as possible up until around May 2017 I was mad timid to speak up but once the shit happened it just did .

(I was drugged and raped by someone who knew me and was invited over and nah he wasn’t white he was in our diaspora. Despite being on video drugging me ,admitting I wasn’t conscious during his acts and all this other sick shit that is in the video posted as well as the slowed down version...Santa Barbara did not TOUCH THIS SICK FUCK . Specifically he lived on the same street as the foot patrol and they never even went to question him . Never went over evidence so never caught the drugging I had to analyze my own evidence see my drugging send it in turn in all physical evidence myself because she never went to the crime scene and some more dumb shot . He’s on surveillance pushing me into my house because I can’t move and he’s also on surveillance attempting to touch me and I fight back . He admits I bit him in resistance and bleh I’m getting trigger ...well look they had all of this PLUS WAY MORE evidence and nothing 🤷🏿‍♀️ .. the gag is until I had a sit in months after my rape we FINALLY got a sexual assault detective on Isla Vista ..THIS MEANS WE NEVER HAD ONE THEREFORE THE PERSON WHO WAS ON MY CASE WAS NOT A DETECTIVE TRAINED IN SEXUAL ASSAULTS. That’s why he did shit ass backwards and didn’t get evidence or blah blah . He did a pretext for a confession and still didn’t make an arrest or attempt to question this rapist . So I had to go public . 😒

The system did me even grimier and in addition so did the African men I spent a lot of my time around before this incident who just happened to be the idiot rapists housemates . The story is actually pretty sick.

Like niggas was like” we weren’t really friends like that “ “you just met is” and some more shit ,but drove or rode in my car got they hair done by me niggas cooked together went wherever niggas dead ass all ran together the only difference was I’m a female and I was the one who was drugged and raped . Lol I knew that house a good 5 months . And when you serving 4 years in college that’s a long time especially when y’all all seeing one another tops 5 days a week . But it’s cool lol I swear that shit happened and fucked my mind up for a while . Until I got over the fact that Im a protector , I’m used to protecting people . Even after being raped I tried to protect this individual from the system but seeing myself be drugged in my house as someone sickly plots and has all the sickest reasons as to why ..

I had Inglewood out there and we ain’t lay a finger on ANYONE and EVERYONE WAS HOME and available but I wasn’t trying to see anything happen .protector ...some call it dumb ... but honestly any reaction that would’ve deviated from what I did up to now would chance my current circumstance ...and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t fine RN. 🤷🏿‍♀️ ptsd depression here and there but honestly IVE BEEN KICKINGASS , saving and changing lives as well as I don’t have any fuck people around me . It’s so easy for me to cut people off now and keep people I feel ANY KINDOF way about away from me ...and I’m more open basically I PROTECT ME MORE AND ...that’s what’s great for me ...so I needed it all to get where I am so eh.

A: I don’t forgive or have any care for the person who drugged and raped me . That’s the only place I didn’t grow . People say I should work on that ...I literally have dreams of killing him though so eh🤷🏿‍♀️ it’s the whole premeditated buying a drug putting it in a drink and handing it to me at the specific time I was distracted and the entire plot really . Walking me in public drugged to make you seem like a saviors and saying you noticed it hit 😒 staying after raping me , like moving my body from a living room to my room like dragging me or whatever the fuck you dieting afterward and only moving after I post the video publicly like you really wanted to live your life regular as a rapist after attempting to ruin mine . In all honesty as you said your first thought was you thought the drug was going to alter my feeling for you and make me like you ..it only knocked me unconscious and inhabited my brain from having any memory and you stilllllll decided to be sick . .

-the best thing for me is I have no memory of being raped , I don’t even have a memory of me leaving the house only waking up and asking all the questions I had getting the answers I needed and reporting so that’s why I’m so open about it ....it hits a sensitive spot as far as anger and disgust but I would literally be dead if I was conscious or aware of the encounter .

Alll of that I added in the end it was the vent I guess .)

and yeah . Whatever so socially I’m tryna educate Africans not to feel obligated to be a savior but to look out when shit like this happens. Because not reacting not doing anything and really any thing else

I never asked anyone to pick sides , never asked anyone for help. But acting like you ain’t know someone you seen on a daily and being fearful or whatever it’s not and never was that deep. I don’t see how anyone has a mother and can let or be aiight with shit like this happeneing and not be proactive .

But I’m alive you’ll see from my blog that worse shit has happened since then and even before . so I focus my pain elsewhere and my energy into activism and advocacy. Shit no one handed to me when I needed t most ✊🏿☝🏿

http://endrapeoncampus.org/centering-the-margins

Here’s my story

http://www.theburningspear.com/2017/12/RoShawndra-VS-the-University-of-California-Santa-Barbara

It’s also more stories about whatever white people wanna say about me in Santa Barbara newspapers and my case and what I’m doing , but this is the one I approve of because it was written in the Burning spear and this is such a monumental and important news paper in our community so yeah.✊🏿❤️ I really love US.

Periodically I post videos call campaigns calls to join political organizations (that are grassroot orgs and funded by our people) and yeah that’s basically my public professional appeal. I use a lot of profanity idk why but yeah I curse like a sailor I was introduced to grown folk conversations at a young age cursing was apart of my male dominated upbringing so 🤷🏿‍♀️ shiiiit I just curse a lot from time to time .

I’m a member of the African National Women’s org. Or ANWO and we’re an organization that was created by request less than half a decade ago to bring African women into the political atmosphere. Our one goal is FREEDOM . UHURU to any comrades or future comrades reading this , I hope in your daily struggles you see the symptoms of colonialism and mobilize to dismantle this colonial system .

I have NOT AND DONT PLAN on watching black panther . It’s not apart of my agenda rn but If my job requires me to take my residents to the movies it’ll probably happen ...I’ll get to the job stuff later. . Basically from my current understanding the villain in the film had “political views” similar to Malcolm or Huey or Marcus Garvey and it should be known by us ALL THAT THESE MEN WERE ONLY AEEN AS VILLIANS HISTORICALLY BY WHITE SUPREMACIST AND COLONIZERS AS WELL AS THOSE COLONIZED PEOPLE WHO REFUSED TO RESIST ...so I’m not spending a dry penny or sitting in a theatre to watch some bull shit . Wakanda must fall dear . THERE is no freedom in a colonial system and we can’t move with our colonizers PERIOD. We have been tricked throughout history into being complacent and waiting on an European created GOD to come save us and give us our Paradise in death. Therefore we accept what we shouldn’t and given I’m not about to be apart of that complacent movement ...(ps I’m a religious studies major) I decide I’m going to struggle and win. Period ✊🏿

https://youtu.be/LIQioGRD1Sw

White folks need to pay reparations so yeah share this link also if you don’t mind

https://www.uhurusolidarity.org/

White solidarity with black power 💕

Some talks/events I’ve participated in or held

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPFDFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MWRqeFhkZ2RiUEx4WpjQiVNCw8SGGbKJP7IkRiwM1SuoQnT-Oar94sFnraqo

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPjzFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MVJER2xuVkVhbWd4TBAgTafg3086N-ST4efXtgBbzFU6VOSI9yuHJ4V1dmE8

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPzTFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MW5BS0VXblZNUmxKTClihPl8eVewKBG7TwSC2FcIZkc0BiJcYgkAkLrQX_7Z

[vsplusonline]

Sports stars and adventure enthusiasts offer tips for a proactive routine during the COVID-19 lockdown

New Post has been published on https://apzweb.com/sports-stars-and-adventure-enthusiasts-offer-tips-for-a-proactive-routine-during-the-covid-19-lockdown-2/

Sports stars and adventure enthusiasts offer tips for a proactive routine during the COVID-19 lockdown

PV Sindhu

Meditation, innovative fitness regimen and onion pakodas! For badminton champion PV Sindhu, the current lockdown is proving to be an unusual experience. While she still focusses on fitness, this phase is also helping the shuttler dabble in new things, such as cooking. And, yes, cleaning the house.

The 24-year-old insists that it is important to be patient and stay positive. “I have been trying to prepare snacks like onion pakodas,” she says. “My mom (P Vijaya, a former international volleyballer) is giving me invaluable tips.” Despite the pakodas, Sindhu is still fairly disciplined about her diet. “I am not supposed to eat much even if there is mutton kheema which I like a lot. Occasionally, I manage to taste it now,” she laughs, adding, “I am also helping my mom keep the house clean.”

To keep fit, she follows a fitness app, issued by her trainer VM Srikanth, under the guidance of her father (PV Ramana). “There are fitness routines using terra bands, weight jackets and dumbbells of different weights,” says Sindhu, adding “I do meditation thanks to the guidance of Sri Ram Chandra Mission (Hyderabad).” And what about practice? “I have to stay in touch with the sport and my father conducts wall-practice sessions for 45 minutes which maintains the desired reflexes.”

The champion performer says she also gets to spend time with her nephew Aaryan now, besides listening to music and watching Netflix.

Can sports be a priority now? Sindhu says, “No one can think of anything else except fighting the virus. It is the responsibility of every citizen to respect the guidelines of both the Central and the State Governments which are doing a great job.”

-VV Subrahmanyam

Sathiyan Gnanasekaran

When international table tennis star Sathiyan Gnanasekaran, 27, usually returns home to Chennai after a long tour, his mother says in jest that he is back at his guest house. For, like many professional sportspeople, his visits home are sparse and short. So, even a quotidian affair, like a family dinner, becomes special. The COVID-19 lockdown, in this regard, has been an unasked-for boon for Sathiyan. He has been eating home-cooked meals, watching Malayalam movies (he mentions Trance, Kumbalangi Nights and Ustad Hotel) with his mother, and restarted a hobby he had abandoned after college: reading. (He is currently reading Usain Bolt’s autobiography, Faster Than Lightning and Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life.)

But Sathiyan understands he is not in the middle of a summer vacation. “This is an unprecedented situation and it’s been tough for all of us,” he says, “You got to keep your mind and body active to not lose track of your game and fitness.”

He wakes up early morning every day for his fitness routines with trainer Ramji Srinivasan (who has had a stint with the Indian cricket team as well). “I head to the terrace and via video call, I work on my fitness with him. I do some jumps, strength training and exercises with some equipment I have.”

In the evenings, he plays table tennis against a remote-operated robot (Butterfly Amicus Prime for advanced players) that he had recently imported from Germany.

He has also taken to yoga and visualisation techniques. He spends the rest of his time talking to junior players and his fans on social media. With the lockdown now extended till May 3, Sathiyan is planning to take up gardening, too.

-Praveen Sudevan

Sajid Chougle

Mumbai-based Saijid Chougle’s joy in life is to jump off cliffs or aeroplanes. A BASE jumper and a sky diver, he travels all over the world exploring new spots to dive from. This includes cliffs in Norway, Chikmagalur in Karnataka and Konkankanda in Maharasthra. “I started skydiving in 2011 when I was in Philadelphia and in 2017 I got hooked on to BASE jumping,” says Chougle.

Now at home, he satiates his adrenaline rush with videos. One of his latest Instagram videos shows him strapped up in safety gear, a helmet and a backpack as he prepares to launch off what looks like a folded rug. He then glides through air, on the way encountering squeaky toy ducks and paper flying past. Shot in his bedroom, the whole sequence was recorded with him lying on the floor as he enacted movements that normally happen during the course of a jump. “The camera was tied to the ceiling fan,” laughs the 37-year-old. “I dragged my mother to help me with the deployment sequence. She had to pull the parachute,” he adds. His latest video shows him leaping out of a plane and landing on his bed.

Chougle is also keeping himself busy with regular abdomen exercises and a stretching routine. “I do three sets of crunches, cycling, wind shields and planks. I use an app called Splits Training to improve my flexibility and get to full splits,” he says.

-Priyadarshini Paitandy

Sunil Chhetri

With football and all other sports coming to a standstill around the world, India and Bengaluru FC (BFC) star Sunil Chhetri is doing his best to keep himself occupied. He tried his hand at cooking, but it didn’t go as planned. The experiment ended with Chhetri being kicked out of the kitchen by his wife, after he somehow managed to get a small bowl stuck inside a bigger one. The normally supremely-fit footballer is not ashamed to admit that he has let himself go a little bit. “I’ve lost the plot at the moment — chole-puri, samosas, vegan pizzas are being demolished at an alarming rate,” Chhetri posted on Twitter a few weeks earlier, accompanied with a ‘gif’ of a man stuffing his face with food.

With cooking out of the picture, Chhetri is back to the more familiar routine of reading. At the moment, he is reading best-selling science book Cosmos, written by astronomer and Pulitzer Prize winner Carl Sagan. “I’m spending time reading, catching up on some fantastic shows on TV, and keeping myself fit. There are household chores that I’ve slowly become very good at. I’m also turning to games of Ludo online every day with a few of the lads on the team. I have to keep the competitive edge alive,” Chhetri says.

Chhetri does miss being on the football field, but he is aware that there are bigger issues to tackle. “What’s made this a little bearable is that we just got done with our season. But I will be honest, football is the last thing on my mind at the moment. It’s easy for us sitting at home to talk about what we miss doing. We’re fortunate. There are so many out there who are struggling to get meals and don’t have a roof over their head,” says the 35-year-old.

-Ashwin Achal

Issack Koshy

24-year-old Isaack Koshy misses his team mates. In this case, two beautiful horses named Unique and Ricardo. He’s been training with Ricardo for eight years and with Unique for six years. Koshy, a former national level equestrian and currently the chief trainer at the Madras School of Equitation, Guindy, is accustomed to the outdoors, starting his day at 4 am with horses. He rides Unique and Ricardo and then trains children in the fine art of equitation. Then by 9.15 he’s at his workplace — Chola Wealth where he is part of the Digital team.

But the recent lockdown has turned his schedule topsy turvy. He now wakes up at 8 am and by 8.30 starts his office work from home. “I miss training, teaching and interacting with students. That is my passion,” says Koshy. The junior and senior instructors whom he has trained reside within the premises of the riding school and they send Koshy videos of the horses. “I give them a weekly plan for the horses. This includes free schooling and lunging,” he explains. In order to make up for the break in training and keep abreast of what is the latest in the world of riding, he watches videos on Show Jumping Clinic, a website where top level riders upload content of what they do.

Earlier, evenings were spent going for long walks. But Koshy now prefers to remain indoors. “In the evenings I do a 100 each of pushups, squats and crunches. On some days, I also do Tabata workouts,” he says. He confesses he used to be meticulous about his diet, usually two boiled eggs for breakfast. Lunch would be rice, vegetable, dal and chicken; and chicken soup for dinner. “Now I eat whatever mom’s cooking,” he laughs.

-Priyadarshini Paitandy

Prajnesh Gunneswaran

Sports, in these unprecedented times, is inessential — despite millions of us missing it, longing for its return, hoping to watch our favourite stars in action once again. For some of the athletes — especially the accomplished stars — the lockdown is perhaps an unforeseen vacation. But for many, who are still building their career, this is temporary unemployment.

This is especially true in the case of tennis. It’s tough to earn points and money if you are ranked outside the top-50. The lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic for Prajnesh Gunneswaran, ranked 132nd (second-highest Indian in the ATP ladder), is understandably an undesirable situation. But he acknowledges that his struggle pales in comparison to millions of underprivileged people across the world. “Tennis, at this moment, isn’t that important. The main concern should be safety, putting food on the plate,” he says.

Being confined to his home isn’t new for Gunneswaran, a few prior injuries had done this to him. But there is a risk of getting stuck in a rut if the players are fit but aren’t playing. Gunneswaran acknowledges this challenge. “You have to keep your mind sharp and the body fit. So, I do some basic exercises everyday.”

A fan of Tamil movies, Gunneswaran is catching up on the ones he had missed. “Like most Tamilians, I like Rajinikanth. I recently watched Darbar. And, I watch a bunch of shows on Netflix. Money Heist is something that I am currently watching.”

-Praveen Sudevan

Source link

[vsplusonline]

Sports stars and adventure enthusiasts offer tips for a proactive routine during the COVID-19 lockdown

New Post has been published on https://apzweb.com/sports-stars-and-adventure-enthusiasts-offer-tips-for-a-proactive-routine-during-the-covid-19-lockdown/

Sports stars and adventure enthusiasts offer tips for a proactive routine during the COVID-19 lockdown

PV Sindhu

Meditation, innovative fitness regimen and onion pakodas! For badminton champion PV Sindhu, the current lockdown is proving to be an unusual experience. While she still focusses on fitness, this phase is also helping the shuttler dabble in new things, such as cooking. And, yes, cleaning the house.

The 24-year-old insists that it is important to be patient and stay positive. “I have been trying to prepare snacks like onion pakodas,” she says. “My mom (P Vijaya, a former international volleyballer) is giving me invaluable tips.” Despite the pakodas, Sindhu is still fairly disciplined about her diet. “I am not supposed to eat much even if there is mutton kheema which I like a lot. Occasionally, I manage to taste it now,” she laughs, adding, “I am also helping my mom keep the house clean.”

To keep fit, she follows a fitness app, issued by her trainer VM Srikanth, under the guidance of her father (PV Ramana). “There are fitness routines using terra bands, weight jackets and dumbbells of different weights,” says Sindhu, adding “I do meditation thanks to the guidance of Sri Ram Chandra Mission (Hyderabad).” And what about practice? “I have to stay in touch with the sport and my father conducts wall-practice sessions for 45 minutes which maintains the desired reflexes.”

The champion performer says she also gets to spend time with her nephew Aaryan now, besides listening to music and watching Netflix.

Can sports be a priority now? Sindhu says, “No one can think of anything else except fighting the virus. It is the responsibility of every citizen to respect the guidelines of both the Central and the State Governments which are doing a great job.”

-VV Subrahmanyam

Sathiyan Gnanasekaran

When international table tennis star Sathiyan Gnanasekaran, 27, usually returns home to Chennai after a long tour, his mother says in jest that he is back at his guest house. For, like many professional sportspeople, his visits home are sparse and short. So, even a quotidian affair, like a family dinner, becomes special. The COVID-19 lockdown, in this regard, has been an unasked-for boon for Sathiyan. He has been eating home-cooked meals, watching Malayalam movies (he mentions Trance, Kumbalangi Nights and Ustad Hotel) with his mother, and restarted a hobby he had abandoned after college: reading. (He is currently reading Usain Bolt’s autobiography, Faster Than Lightning and Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life.)

But Sathiyan understands he is not in the middle of a summer vacation. “This is an unprecedented situation and it’s been tough for all of us,” he says, “You got to keep your mind and body active to not lose track of your game and fitness.”

He wakes up early morning every day for his fitness routines with trainer Ramji Srinivasan (who has had a stint with the Indian cricket team as well). “I head to the terrace and via video call, I work on my fitness with him. I do some jumps, strength training and exercises with some equipment I have.”

In the evenings, he plays table tennis against a remote-operated robot (Butterfly Amicus Prime for advanced players) that he had recently imported from Germany.

He has also taken to yoga and visualisation techniques. He spends the rest of his time talking to junior players and his fans on social media. With the lockdown now extended till May 3, Sathiyan is planning to take up gardening, too.

-Praveen Sudevan

Sajid Chougle

Mumbai-based Saijid Chougle’s joy in life is to jump off cliffs or aeroplanes. A BASE jumper and a sky diver, he travels all over the world exploring new spots to dive from. This includes cliffs in Norway, Chikmagalur in Karnataka and Konkankanda in Maharasthra. “I started skydiving in 2011 when I was in Philadelphia and in 2017 I got hooked on to BASE jumping,” says Chougle.

Now at home, he satiates his adrenaline rush with videos. One of his latest Instagram videos shows him strapped up in safety gear, a helmet and a backpack as he prepares to launch off what looks like a folded rug. He then glides through air, on the way encountering squeaky toy ducks and paper flying past. Shot in his bedroom, the whole sequence was recorded with him lying on the floor as he enacted movements that normally happen during the course of a jump. “The camera was tied to the ceiling fan,” laughs the 37-year-old. “I dragged my mother to help me with the deployment sequence. She had to pull the parachute,” he adds. His latest video shows him leaping out of a plane and landing on his bed.

Chougle is also keeping himself busy with regular abdomen exercises and a stretching routine. “I do three sets of crunches, cycling, wind shields and planks. I use an app called Splits Training to improve my flexibility and get to full splits,” he says.

-Priyadarshini Paitandy

Sunil Chhetri

With football and all other sports coming to a standstill around the world, India and Bengaluru FC (BFC) star Sunil Chhetri is doing his best to keep himself occupied. He tried his hand at cooking, but it didn’t go as planned. The experiment ended with Chhetri being kicked out of the kitchen by his wife, after he somehow managed to get a small bowl stuck inside a bigger one. The normally supremely-fit footballer is not ashamed to admit that he has let himself go a little bit. “I’ve lost the plot at the moment — chole-puri, samosas, vegan pizzas are being demolished at an alarming rate,” Chhetri posted on Twitter a few weeks earlier, accompanied with a ‘gif’ of a man stuffing his face with food.

With cooking out of the picture, Chhetri is back to the more familiar routine of reading. At the moment, he is reading best-selling science book Cosmos, written by astronomer and Pulitzer Prize winner Carl Sagan. “I’m spending time reading, catching up on some fantastic shows on TV, and keeping myself fit. There are household chores that I’ve slowly become very good at. I’m also turning to games of Ludo online every day with a few of the lads on the team. I have to keep the competitive edge alive,” Chhetri says.

Chhetri does miss being on the football field, but he is aware that there are bigger issues to tackle. “What’s made this a little bearable is that we just got done with our season. But I will be honest, football is the last thing on my mind at the moment. It’s easy for us sitting at home to talk about what we miss doing. We’re fortunate. There are so many out there who are struggling to get meals and don’t have a roof over their head,” says the 35-year-old.

-Ashwin Achal

Issack Koshy

24-year-old Isaack Koshy misses his team mates. In this case, two beautiful horses named Unique and Ricardo. He’s been training with Ricardo for eight years and with Unique for six years. Koshy, a former national level equestrian and currently the chief trainer at the Madras School of Equitation, Guindy, is accustomed to the outdoors, starting his day at 4 am with horses. He rides Unique and Ricardo and then trains children in the fine art of equitation. Then by 9.15 he’s at his workplace — Chola Wealth where he is part of the Digital team.

But the recent lockdown has turned his schedule topsy turvy. He now wakes up at 8 am and by 8.30 starts his office work from home. “I miss training, teaching and interacting with students. That is my passion,” says Koshy. The junior and senior instructors whom he has trained reside within the premises of the riding school and they send Koshy videos of the horses. “I give them a weekly plan for the horses. This includes free schooling and lunging,” he explains. In order to make up for the break in training and keep abreast of what is the latest in the world of riding, he watches videos on Show Jumping Clinic, a website where top level riders upload content of what they do.

Earlier, evenings were spent going for long walks. But Koshy now prefers to remain indoors. “In the evenings I do a 100 each of pushups, squats and crunches. On some days, I also do Tabata workouts,” he says. He confesses he used to be meticulous about his diet, usually two boiled eggs for breakfast. Lunch would be rice, vegetable, dal and chicken; and chicken soup for dinner. “Now I eat whatever mom’s cooking,” he laughs.

-Priyadarshini Paitandy

Prajnesh Gunneswaran

Sports, in these unprecedented times, is inessential — despite millions of us missing it, longing for its return, hoping to watch our favourite stars in action once again. For some of the athletes — especially the accomplished stars — the lockdown is perhaps an unforeseen vacation. But for many, who are still building their career, this is temporary unemployment.

This is especially true in the case of tennis. It’s tough to earn points and money if you are ranked outside the top-50. The lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic for Prajnesh Gunneswaran, ranked 132nd (second-highest Indian in the ATP ladder), is understandably an undesirable situation. But he acknowledges that his struggle pales in comparison to millions of underprivileged people across the world. “Tennis, at this moment, isn’t that important. The main concern should be safety, putting food on the plate,” he says.

Being confined to his home isn’t new for Gunneswaran, a few prior injuries had done this to him. But there is a risk of getting stuck in a rut if the players are fit but aren’t playing. Gunneswaran acknowledges this challenge. “You have to keep your mind sharp and the body fit. So, I do some basic exercises everyday.”

A fan of Tamil movies, Gunneswaran is catching up on the ones he had missed. “Like most Tamilians, I like Rajinikanth. I recently watched Darbar. And, I watch a bunch of shows on Netflix. Money Heist is something that I am currently watching.”

-Praveen Sudevan

Source link