#time to journal I guess 🤷♂️
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Having complicated aromantic feelings but also nobody to really talk about them with 😔
#time to journal I guess 🤷♂️#idk idk I’ve ID’ed as some level of aro since middle school but I still can never tell if it’s forced or something#because I can feel a crush (or at least I used to before getting My Disorder)#but even when that happened and I tried dating it felt suffocating#like I’d much rather have friends who I can kiss sometimes#and the idea of telling people I’m dating someone feels awful#but I’ve been forcing myself lately to look at people romantically. I think just bc im lonely in a new town#but it feels socially pressuring to do that ‼️‼️‼️#but I’m no longer as comfy as I used to be with the idea of being single my whole life#so I gotta come to terms with myself again (sigh)#if you read this thanks 🫡#vent#personal
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man. getting a little sick of being everyones 15th option for everything. when is it my turn to be someone's first choice :^[
#or even second tbh I'll take it#i had a couple old friends from college msg me recently to tell me what theyve been up to#which is sweet and i care abt them n wanna hear it! but they dont ask after me or show any interest in how I'm doing#and it makes me feel like I'm just their journal or smth. a brick wall they happen to be standing near#don't get me wrong I love to be useful. but when ppl only ever interact w u bc they need smth from u. well.#rly not doing anything good for this complex im developing where my self worth is directly tied to my usefulness to other ppl lmfao#i dont want to be ppls fucking dog!! or not any more than i already am but whatever thats all im good for i guess!!#and i desperately want someone to be my fave person rn bc all my energy is going nowhere + im at my best when im at my most devoted#so ppl treating me like this rn is just making me incredibly vulnerable to being taken advantage of.#like yeah i am eager to please and ill follow anyone around and do whatever for a crumb of attention but maybe#if you're actually my friend u shouldnt be encouraging that behaviour. even if it makes u feel good like cmon thats not so cool man#or if you ARE going to encourage it then maybe u should acknowledge the power dynamic ur creating + try not to abuse it. idk 🤷♂️#urgh idk maybe im just saying words rn im very tired#I just feel like all the friendships etc I have atm are slipping into that dangerously unbalanced zone + becoming v one way#and I don't know what I'm doing wrong I'm trying the best I can and I guess its just not enough for anyone and that really really sucks#I'm doing better mentally rn but I dont currently have a support system + there are a lot of destabilising forces in my life#so im just. worried abt the direction things could take if I lose this foothold I've dragged myself onto yknow.#and I wouldnt have to be so worried abt that all of the time if I just had someone literally anyone I could rely on or even trust#but oh well. it is what it is. doing all I can to take care of myself so hopefully it won't come to that anyway.#sorry for rambling on so much if u read this far I'm giving u a kiss on the cheek don't worry abt me honey I've got this#anywayy goodnight#.vent#.diaries
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Man I’ve been having a Shit Day remembering how my life has been these last few days, readig old journals from a few years back and going WOW that fucking sucked. Time to have a sad wank and go to sleep I guess 🤷♂️
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3, 14, 24?
3. 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of? 14. what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do? 24. what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?
3. oh man. uhh, Nope, Star Trek Beyond, and Free Willy lmaooo this is a strange collection of films but 🤷♂️
14. i guess like submit some work for an indie journal or zine's call for submissions? i gotta like get over my anxiety and just *do it* lol
24. hmm. i suppose sharing something w my therapist that i've never rly talked about in a therapeutic setting before. (when u have a hard time being vulnerable etc. lmao)
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Some Of The Things That Made My Childhood Great (P4)
The gameboy camera, infamous in my household. Why? Well I guess you could say I took my first nude on this ridiculous thing. My mom was playing it one day and found the nude and it was a total shit show lol. I’ll never get over the embarrassment, good times. I was 11 🤷♂️
Password Journal, a voice activated private journal, I had to have it. It’s biggest shortcoming was being by a company called GirlTech, which pretty much said hands off to young boys. Except not me lol, I trotted this thing everywhere even school. And most people thought it was cool, and it was
I was the only one of my friends to get this. I liked the idea of collecting cards and unlocking games and I think it had some kind of cross play with Animal Crossing on GameCube.
The GBA adapter for the GameCube. A game changer, could finally play pokemon sapphire on the big screen!
Honestly looking back this wasn’t so great but at the time it was awesome. I had a school trip to Washington D.C and had this during the long trip and it made it go by like a breeze. Of course I had spongebob on deck, though I did get tired of people asking me what it was, and for some of my Rollitos(this was a thing, and they were delicious)!
My favorite birthday gift, this opened up a whole new world to me, it had a DVD drive and could burn CDs! These were still things back then. I remember fondly discovering the mobile and heroic world of torrents via stolen WiFi, because no one locked their networks back then and it was glorious, of course it was people like me using hundreds of thousands of gigabytes of data and bandwidth that made people wise up. Still, glorious 😇
A glorified VideoNow, but with mp3 playback. I’m not sure why I wanted this so much. By then Sony was releasing movies in UMD for PSP, and Nintendo had rolled out Game Boy Video, actual tv shows on game cartridges. This thing was obsolete before it ever even came out, not to mention I had just gotten that claimshell VideoNow which I never used. But again I had to have it.
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Day 0,000 of 1,000 7/4/2022
1:35 AM - Hello My name is Justino but everyone calls me Tino. I am a 33 year old 🌈 man. I am starting this blog because I am hoping it would motivate me to journal this journey to loose weight, and also, look and feel great. This goal is set to be finished in 1,000 days. Doing this because I have been informed that I have diabetes. It has passed pre diabetes and I want to better myself. If this goes beyond my imagination first and foremost I want to apologize for my past. I am only human, I was young, it was retaliation on being bullied. <YTV> Its hurtful stuff and I again, apologize sincerely. I don’t want to delete them because I want to not be that person again, and do something for myself and maybe help someone grow and show them we all make mistakes. All this time I have been super unhappy and maybe now and finally willing to do something for myself. I DESERVE to be happy. I am currently at 235 lbs. and my goal weight is 175 lbs. I would also love to have the body if my dreams beefy muscle. Why not make it a goal? Everything and anything can happen if I just DO IT!. ok well here goes nothing. So today Fourth of July 🎆, I guess is when I’m doing this for whatever reason 🤷♂️. Anywho Today I:
10:20 AM - ok so today not a great start but I had 2 scrambled eggs and two mini waffles. Then laid in bed and so now just writing away….. its a journey so don’t expect the beginning will be easy… or really any part of this I think is not going to be easy.
11:12 PM - So. I wanted turkey burgers with cheese, bread, ketchup, may, and mustard…. But supposedly there was no turkey patties… so we had beef… again rocky beginning but Im not going to lie and say I started healthy because it was an easy beginning or and easy journey. Besides its only my first day. But here’s to better days.
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