#thus he stopped believing in finding true love and didn't expect anything good to ever happen to him

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hello Dani.

I wish I were here with some cute Malec fan arts to show you instead of what I'm about to say. But I'm not. I guess I just need to talk to someone. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you. You don't have to answer me. I guess the fact that I was comfortable enough to tell you these helps me enough. To at least know that I'm no longer the only person who knows these anymore. To know that it isn't a secret I have to bare alone. Cause I'm fucking tired of it.

Ok, here's the thing. Here, in my country, students attend a national exam at the end of elementary school. Just before entering middle school, at 11. The results of this test show whether you can enter some special schools that are built to guide and educate the students who got accepted. The students society thinks are smarter than the others. As far as I can remember, I knew I should take that test and get accepted. When I was a child my mother told me about a long time ago, when she and my father were at high school. My father had wanted to become a doctor at the time. He'd tried and studied hard and eventually gotten accepted at the medicine school. But back then, it had been very important for the students studying important majors at university- like medicine- to have a good social image and other people's opinion about them mattered a lot. And at that time, my father's family had had some kind of quarrels and fights going on with some neighbor families, and thus when those people were asked about my father personality, they've talked shit about him and he got rejected. He had to become a teacher instead. I was just a child back then, but even as a child, I could see how my father always yearned for what he'd lost. The way he talked about how good of a job it is, how doctors can help people a lot, and how if I'm smart and hardworking enough, I can become a doctor one day. Long story short, from a very young age, every one told me that I was intelligent and should become a doctor. It would make my family and my family name proud and I knew it. So I tried, I studied and I got accepted at that special schools at 11( cause it has always been part of the path I was shown ). I not only got accepted, but also got the best marks at the test in the town. That day was the only day I remember my father looked very proud of me. I always did good at the exams, but there was always something lacking for them, like, although I become a top student, I didn't become the best, or although I became the best, some of my marks still could be better. So there was always some criticism waiting for me, no matter what result I gained. The only time that there wasn't any, was that one time that I got accepted in those special schools at 11. That day I only saw appreciation. After that, I always kept trying but I guess I was never hardworking enough. My parents used to say it was because I couldn't put my complete focus on studying. Because I used to draw, and play soccer, and also attend English classes. I loved all of those activities, but I dropped all of them when I entered highschool. Because everyone said they were distracting me from my purpose that was becoming a doctor. That I needed to study biology and math and not waste my time with arts and sports. So I did it. And I was ok with it, or at least I thought I was. Untill I wasn't anymore. Until suddenly this pandemic started one year and a half ago, and I no longer could go to school. And I started struggling to keep up with my lessons and studying. I understood that I didn't enjoy it, it had become like a chore. I didn't understand how much my friends, my teachers and my school meant to me and how much it affected my willingness to studying till I lost it. And it took me even longer to find out the reason I needed them so much. And I hate that reason. I totally hate it. But it was true. I needed school because they gave me the appreciation and approval I always yearned for. I found out that one of the reasons I studied well was that I liked everyone appreciating me. I like the looked of awe in their eyes when I solved math problems or when I answered a biology question no one knew of. And I no longer had those. I was all alone with my family, since school were closed. And I knew- I know- my family loves me, but their tactics for helping someone or something get better has always been criticizing the wrong things, instead of praising the good parts. And it helped, or it used to do, at least. But just as long as I got the praise and approval I needed from the others. But I didn't

get them anymore cause I was all alone with my family now. I just had them. And the criticism become harder and unbearable. Studying was like a burden, a chore. And it didn't help that with the whole staying home situation, I had more time to think and I realized how long it had been since last time I drew anything. Or played soccer. Or read my favorite novels. I realized I never once stopped to think about what I wanted to do. My life path had always been described for me. I'd always known what I was supposed to do, or what I was supposed to be. But I was no longer sure if it was what I wanted. And I was confused and lost and absolutely terrified. I didn't know what to do. Whether to continue my path, or change it. I tried to speak to my parents. But they didn't get it. They didn't get why I was suddenly hesitating and told me I was just ruining all those years of trying, for nothing. So I stopped talking about it. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't help feeling like I've always lived for others. Like, why the hell should I need my teachers and classmates appreciating and praising me? Why should not having that anymore make studying boring for me?? Why did I never thought about my future as a choice, not something that was always set to happen?! I was angry at myself but most of all, I was lost, I didn't know what the hell to do. And no one could understand me, so when my parents asked me how I was preparing myself for the national exam of universities acceptance, I lied. I lied and told them I was doing ok, while I totally wasn't. I couldn't tell them, I didn't want them to blame me, cause I blamed myself enough. I hoped it will get better by the time. But it didn't. Everyone thinks I'm a fucking Christopher Lightwood, while honestly, I'm more a Alastair Carstairs.

And now, here am I, not knowing what the hell to do. The exam for universities acceptance is in less than a month and a half. I know I still have time, but I no longer know what I want to do. And I no longer believe in my abilities. I think my parents were right, I think I just wasted my time hesitating and questioning myself. Maybe becoming a doctor doesn't make me happy, but isn't it worth it?? That at least it is what my father wanted for me all along? That I can at least make my family happy and proud?? Cause I don't know what makes me happy. And now, it's too late to think about it and find out. Cause I'm scared to find out. I'm scared that I make my family disappointed, like I made myself disappointed. I'm afraid it's too late and no matter what I do, I'm gonna make them disappointed. That while everyone thinks I'm gonna get accepted at the best medicine school, I won't get accepted at all. I wasted so much time questioning everything. If only I continued my path, at least my family would be happy. But now, I'm terrified that I make them disappointed and remain unhappy myself. Cause even if I was living a lie, even if I one day got up and see I didn't like my life, at least I still had a life. A life in which nobody had expectations from me any longer. And even if I didn't like my life, I was at least alone to do whatever I want with it. But at the moment, I just want to become a doctor, and pay off what I've always felt I owe my family. My father. That was the only thing he ever wanted from me. ( And it pays handsomely, sure. It's just, I was never sure if I enjoy doing it, not just its payment.)

But I'm now terrified that I've ruined my chance for even having this. I think I should've never questioned my life. It didn't help that I found out I wasn't happy. I can't help but think I fucked everything up. I always tried to be open to changes. To be brave, just like Alec was. But how can I do that when I don't know what I want? How can I even choose another job when I was practically raised to become a doctor since forever? How can I change my path when I sacrificed lots of things that I loved for it?? All those soccer games I didn't attend, all those drawings I didn't draw, just to have time to study! How can I do it?? And what if my family was always right, that becoming a doctor is best for me? What if I've had fucked up my chance of becoming a doctor even??

And more than anything, I'm tired of keeping all that a secret. I feel guilty as hell whenever I see my parents cause I lied to them, and it's making it all hard to breathe. I'm really really tired. I'm lost. What am I supposed to do? What should I do???

Hello, darling.

Thank you for trusting me with this. I'm glad you wanted to talk to someone. Whatever you feel, it's out now. You no longer have to worry this is a secret. I hope that helps you a little. I hope it lightens the burden you carry on your shoulder.

As always, I cannot tell you what to do. It's your life - something I do remind yourself more often. It helps. I promise.

But I can tell you what I think.

1. I think you are very smart. Like VERY smart. So, if you are worried about changing your academic course or career path, I would say you have nothing to worry about. If you can study biology, trust me, you can find your way through any other subject. It's nothing to be afraid of. Every subject is hard. But you seem like a relentless little fighter to me. So, you will figure it out.

2. I think the reason your father wants you to be a doctor is because he still feels the pain of not achieving his dream. If he doesn't enjoy teaching, then he knows what it's like to live a life of regret. Your father wants to spare you from that. But irony is cruel. Because that very effort has pushed you into the same path. I think someone *cough* you *cough* needs to remind your father that even if you become a doctor, you will not be happy. And while your parents might not be able to see it clearly as you do, it's what they want too. Success doesn't necessarily mean happiness. So, maybe you should tell your father that. Tell him that even if you become a doctor, it wouldn't make you happy. So, despite all their prayers and efforts, your parents would still fail. Because you would be living a similar life as your father had to.

3. One and a half month sounds like a very short time. But here is the thing. I feel like if you put your mind to it, you can get through this exam. But what about your heart? Where does it want to be? What does it want to do? For me, it doesn't sound like a problem of "can I do this?". Yes, you can. It's more a question of, "do I want to do this?". I don't know the answer to that. You are smart. Figure it out.

4. The best advice I've gotten in life is this "do what makes you happy." I know that many don't have the luxury of following that advice in every possible way. But you have the chance. do it. If something or someone is bringing you unhappiness, you should have the liberty to say "no fuck off." It takes a lot of courage to look at something and say 'no'. We haven't been taught to say that enough. Learn to say 'no'. If you take away anything from this response, it should be that.

5. You don't owe anyone anything. Just so you know. Not your family. Your parents. Not your school. No one. Nothing. But you owe it to yourself to be happy.

6. I have met many people like your father - and perhaps yourself - who have told me that "I couldn't follow my dreams. But when I have a child one day, I will do everything in my power to make sure they get to achieve their dream". It's truly a beautiful sentiment. But all I can think is...If it's possible for us to fight for an unborn child of ours, then why can't be fight for ourselves. If we are willing to fight in the future, then why not now?

I know you want your parents to be happy. I know you don't want to let them down. I know a lot of us think that way. So I ask - Why can't we show the kindness we are willing to show the ones we love to ourselves?

7. I don't know what you are going to do either, my love. But I know you will survive. So, even if these words get washed away and even if the confidence you feel is momentary and even if you end up taking the exam and do biology, I hope you remember that it is never, ever, ever too late to choose yourself. To follow your dreams. To stand up and say no.

8. You told me you are more like Alastair. So, I'll leave you with this.

"If you choose that for yourself, it is your choice, but you cannot choose for me”

All my love,

Dani x.

[phantaloon-books]

(some) Riordanverse characters (bc I never read TKC) and which Hogwarts House I think they would be in

Warning: this is a long one

Nico: the dude is definitely Gryffindor without a doubt. Like Sorting isn't about some traits and some characteristics, it's about core personality. He may have gone through some of the roughest stuff when he was 10-12, and he was resentful and bitter, but he was brave and bold af throughout everything he did. From learning about his powers, to using them relentlessly despite knowing how exhausted he is afterwards, to his willingness to do whatever is necessary to do what has to be done, because it has to be done. You can't change my mind that he's Gryffindor lol.

Grover: Do I even need to explain why he's Gryffindor? He's a satyr, and even if we're shown strong satyrs, they're not really supposed to be brave fighters. Yet he is one of the strongest, bravest nature spirits we've ever encountered in the Riordanverse, and one of the bravest in general. Like he's so passionate about doing what is good, he's a hero, and the only thing he doesn't match with common Gryffindors is that he's humble and as far from arrogant as could be possible, but it doesn't take his courage away.

Hazel: She's Gryffindor, and core personality-wise, she and Nico are very much alike. They don't ever think about themselves, like Hazel really always does what has to be done, no matter the cost, I mean she literally died preventing Gaea to rise the first time, and she freed Thanatos while believing he would take her back to the Underworld. She's brave af, and she has one of the most strong willpower we've seen in the Riordanverse. She's a passionate hero, and she's the closest thing to a real knight in shining armor.

Lester: I'm gonna place him in Gryffindor because I don't think he fits in in the other houses lmao. That said, as Apollo he's very shitty, but as Lester, he's one of the most courageous people. He's grown so much, he's so willing to actually do stuff now, and sacrifice everything to do what's right, including his life, even if he doesn't know he's gonna survive. Hell, he really went most of TTT with an incredibly painful wound that nearly turned him undead, and he cared more for the future of Camp Jupiter than his own life. Additionally, he's a bit arrogant and cocky, but he truly means well, I love Lester so much.

Clarisse: Look look, all I have to say is that no one could have pulled off less than half the stuff Clarisse has done, she's so Gryffindor it hurts. She's reckless and impulsive, but she's driven by her passion to do good, even if she's the daughter of war, and was bullied by her own father. She's daring, she's bold and she is the hero. She's also arrogant and thinks she can solve everything by herself, something characteristic more of the canon Gryffindors in the books, rather than what the fans have shaped. In fact, she's very much like Gryffindors in the books, who are actually very rude to other houses and think they're the best. Still, at heart, she's in this house.

Alex: I'm in a huge dilemma about where to put them, but I reckon they'd fit pretty fine in Gryffindor. Not only are they daring and courageous, they're proud of who they are, but not in a too full of themselves kind of way, rather in a 'I am who I am, and if you can't accept me, fuck off' kind of way. They can get carried away rather easily though, and very arrogant, thinking they don't need anyone else, when they do in fact need some company. They are one of the kindest and at the same time most ambitious characters we've met, but they are brave beyond understanding in a very personal way, thus, Gryffindor.

Percy: I think it's fair to say he'd be Hufflepuff, because loyalty is literally his fucking fatal flaw, and he is the kindest sweetheart to all those who deserve it, he goes out of his way to help those who need help, whether that be mortals, halfbloods, gods, magical creatures or even his own enemies. He's too good for this world, and even if he's grown a bit bitter, he always looks to fight justly for what is right, and never loses faith in others. That, and the fact that he turned down immortality so that the olympians were more inclusive of minor gods, and their children were treated better. He's just a lovely soul, he's like 80% Hufflepuff so that's enough for me. All that and he's stubborn as hell.

Jason: Hufflepuff. Just, undoubtedly Hufflepuff. Like he seems to be this cold and self centered hero with a superiority complex (bc of all the son of Jupiter stuff) but he's the softest guy there is. Not only is he hardworking, open minded and kind, he appreciates justice but he doesn't seek for revenge or anything, he makes sure people are treated fairly and wants everyone to be accepted. Proof of that is how he continued Percy's job of including more gods, and made sure Nico felt comfortable with who he was. He truly has a heart of gold. (He deserved better btw)

Meg: God I can't decide between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, but I think I'll go with the former. She's so strong, my baby, she's faced so much wrong, but she's still so kind and understanding of others, especially those who deserve kindness. She puts up such a hard facade, but she's so patient and warm and inclusive. She's brave and strong (as strong as the big three kids, if not stronger), but she's also so loyal to her beliefs despite how she was forced someone else's beliefs for years, so I'll keep her in Hufflepuff. Also, she's stubborn af, and she can be lazy, so that settles it.

Will: I KNOW some people will say Will could be in other houses that are not Hufflepuff, BUT I won't have it any other way. Will is literally the warmest person ever. He is kind and sympathetic and enthusiastic and patient and inclusive. Like Helga Hufflepuff would take one look at him and lose her shit screaming "mine". He's the guy who saw the son of Hades so many people were scared of and immediately grabbed his hand and transfered him some warmth and didn't let him go ahead and get himself killed. He's also the one who everyone loves and likes, so much that Clarisse gets along with him and he can calm her down. He's the ideal Hufflepuff, you can't change my mind.

Magnus: I mean, what else can you expect from the son of the god of summer? He's literally a guy who heals others with warmth. He's also the guy who spent years on the street with the most difficult situations, and accepts every single person the way they are. He's inclusive af, and tolerant of everything. He's the guy who's closest include a deaf elf, a Muslim valkyrie, and a black dwarf, and he's dating a genderfluid person. Yes he's brave, and he's kinda smart, and he's ambitious, BUT none of those qualities overpower his Hufflepuff nature.

Piper: Kinda debated whether Gryffindor or Ravenclaw fits more, but in the end I went with Ravenclaw. Even though she isn't a fighter, she's very very brave, yet her bravery isn't compared to her wits. Like others in the PJOverse, she wins her fights by outsmarting her opponents, but unlike others that's one of her strongest traits. She's witty and creative and a little on the negative side, she really struggled to work in a group rather than by herself. On another note, she's able to keep calm in crazy situations and come up with the craziest most unthinkable solutions (I'm talking borderline ridiculous) that always somehow work. She's not booksmart, but she knows so much about everything, and she's lifesmart you know?

Reyna: Why are some of these so hard? Deeply debating whether she'd be Ravenclaw or Slytherin. In the end I'd go more for Ravenclaw though. Reyna's smart as hell, she's strong and sharp, and she always sees the best way out of a situation. She's witty and observant, being able to keep her cool in battle and lead others in the best direction. She's always looking to grow, and she prefers to do things on her own, but she's a great leader. She has some Slytherin qualities, and she's not learning as learning oriented as others, but she's definitely Ravenclaw.

Sam: Let's face it, Sam has the only active neurons in all of MCGA, she's definitely Ravenclaw. I'm gonna be honest though, I've only read MCGA once, so I can't remember much of their personalities, but Sam is witty and clever, pretty much the only one who can come up with competent plans, while the others rely mostly on luck and whatever plan they can cook up in 5 seconds. She's loyal and true to who she is, and she's extremely courageous and proud of who she is, but her sharpness is what she stands out for me, which is why I put her in Ravenclaw.

Annabeth: I know the obvious option is Ravenclaw, but I genuinely think she's also Slytherin. Yes she is booksmart and wise like Ravenclaw, but her personality matches Slytherins' ambitious, cunning and resourceful nature. She's smart as fuck, but she's calculative, she always finds a way to end up winning, and while she does so by outsmarting her opponents, she wouldn't need to outsmart them if she weren't so competitive. I feel like there's this 40/60 odds on Slytherin rather than Ravenclaw, but it's that small difference that counts. Plus her leadership skills are so powerful that people don't ask, they just know she's the boss.

(Also just picture the sweet and loyal Hufflepuff boy with the strong and cunning Slytherin girl, like it should be as opposite as it is with Poseidon and Athena, but they're so cute)

Leo: Idk what you can expect that's not Slytherin. This boy is the embodiment of ambition and determination. Reminder that not all Slytherins are bad btw (I'm slytherin myself), but like he's life smart and cunning, and he can analyze situations faster than anyone else. He's charismatic and talented, and there's no one to stop him from triumphing. I don't have much to say, I just know he'd be in Slytherin.

Rachel: She's kinda a difficult one, and I struggle between Gryffindor and Slytherin, and tbh I'm still not sure. But I think I'd place her in Slytherin, because even if she's brave af (especially since she was a mortal fighting in a war out of her power), her main trait is her determination. When she's set on something, she gets it done. You can't tell her she can't do something, because she will find a way to do it. She's kind, and she's only a mortal, but she still has incredible power unlike any other. I don't think I can really name it, but I think she'd be put on Slytherin with much difficulty from the Sorting Hat.

Luke: Where else could Luke possibly go? On the meaner side Slytherins have created themselves, Luke would be part of those misled by who preceded them, by those who want to take advantage of their mistreatment (bc let's face it, Slytherins are mistreated by both students and Hogwarts staff), and turn them cold and bitter. Luke is ambitious and manipulative, being manipulated himself, and it comes easily because of his natural charisma and talent. He's very freaking determined and cunning too. He'd fit right into Slytherin, but he'd be viewed as one of the rotten lot.

Thalia: I don't have much to say about this, but Thalia is the girl whose fatal flaw is their desire for power (or smth along those lines), just like most Slytherins. She's ambitious, she's smart, she's truly talented, she stands out between the rest, and she knows it, and she actually kinda likes it.

(Also I put Annabeth, Thalia and Luke in the same house because they're all kinda similar, even if their beliefs and postures are different.

Frank: Ngl I'm having more difficulty with Frank than anyone else. I'm kinda torn between Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. I literally can't choose. He'd fit perfectly in any of them lmao, I just can't decide where he'd go. You decide this one yourself.

Please keep in mind, this is my personal opinion and my take on the characters, and not all of you will agree, and that's fine! You can let me know what you think (kindly please, don't come at me), and if you want to, send me an ask on a character you want me to do the same as these (as long as it's not TKC, I'M SORRY I haven't read those) go ahead, don't be shy!